Twilight Updates Ponyville

by Black Month Willem Dafoe

Rating: teen
Tags: Random
Length: 1029

Twilight tries to improve everyone's living conditions.

Twilight tries to improve everyone's living conditions.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-09 11:43:14 UTC

The Story

Twilight took off her cute construction hat and marveled at the brand new Ponyville as she wiped the sweat out of her eyes.

"It's perfect Spike!"she exclaimed,"everyone will be so happy when I open the town back up, I might even get laid for once in my miserable life."

Spike looked at her with an expression of uncertainty.

"I dunno Twilight, remember last time you changed Ponyville? People were anything but pleased."

"Spike, that's because the last time I changed Ponyville I got drunk and smashed everyone's answering machines into little pieces."explained Twilight,"this time I was completely sober, so everything should be fine. Besides, I was up for three days straight doing all of this for them so they should show me mild appreciation at the very least. It's not like they pay to live here.

"That's true, everyone became much happier when you put billboards all over the place and told them that they didn't have to pay their mortgages ever again. Although some of them were less than pleased when they saw the sex toy ads."

"I still don't understand the issue with that, the billboards for the sex toys are very high up so only adults can see them."

"What about children who can fly?"

"What about dragon soup?"

Now that all of her problems were out of the way Twilight removed the magical bubble that covered the town and the entire population of Ponyville came flooding in. Literally. They were actually flooding the streets, drowning a fair few ponies as they galloped to their homes.

One of the ponies approached Twilight.

"Hello citizen, I trust you enjoy the new layout of the town."

" Oh certainly, the layout is much better than it used to be, and I certainly appreciate all the hard work."

Twilight beamed with pride.

"But-"

"But? There can't be a but! You like the new layout don't you?"

"Yes it's great but, it's full of bugs," the nameless citizen pointed a hoof towards a horde of cockroaches happily gnawing away on a small colt to emphasize his point."

"Oh is that all?" Twilight scoffed "Spike eats bugs, so they should all be gone within a week."

The nameless citizen shrugged and cantered off towards his home, apparently satisfied by Twilight's answer.

Twilight was about to go home to her beautiful crystal tree-castle when she was approached by an old made.

"Twilight, I'm having a bit of trouble with the new town."

"Oh? And what might that trouble be Granny Smith?"

"Well I used to have two doors, one of which locked, but now I'm down to one unlocked door. Seems we can't put any of our equipment in the barn because of it."

Twilight simply grinned at Granny Smith.

"Worry not my dear Granny, that too is part of my ingenious design. Now you can have as many doors as you want and you get to choose which ones are locked. You can put anything you want anywhere in the house, even horrible embarrassing things that would make everyone you know and love despise you and nobody will ever know."

Granny chuckled.

"Well gadzooks Twilight, that's one hell of a good idea." Granny said before she gleefully galloped home.

Twilight let out a contented sigh and went home. Finally she could get the rest she deserved.

Twilight was jolted awake by a loud banging sound coming from down the hall.

"What the heck was that?" Asked an extremely groggy Spike.

"Let's go see," replied Twilight happily,"it's probably more ponies wanting to shower me with praise. I tell ya Spike, sometimes I'm too smart for my own good."

Twilight and Spike made their way down the hall to the front door where they saw an angry horde of ponies manically pounding on the front door.

Twilight's eye twitched a little bit as Spike opened the door. Immediately a torrent of insults and complaints blasted Twilight right in the ego.

"My phone doesn't work here!"

"There's still so many bugs!"

"I lit a homeless mare on fire!"

Without a word Twilight pushed everyone out with her magic and ran back down the hall to her bedroom. Spike followed suit, stopping just short of her doorway.

"Twilight what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Twilight turned to Spike with tears in her eyes," what's wrong is that yet again Ponyville has confirmed itself to be full of the worst kind of autistic sperglord faggot retards who should kill themselves that's what's wrong!"

Twilight slammed the door, turned on her radio, got onto her bed and started weeping.

Five days later

"Come on Twilight, please."

"No! I'm never coming out of my room ever again!"

Spike sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Twilight, you've been sitting in your room eating peanut butter pretzels, crying and listening to Five for Fighting for almost a week now. You need to come out eventually."

"No! Nobody cares about me, they hate me and they hate all the hard work I've done."

"Who cares?"

"What do you mean Spike?"

"I mean it doesn't matter if people aren't happy right now, they'll get over it. Would Five for Fighting act like this?"

"I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane," the door opened to reveal a determined looking Twilight Sparkle,"you're right Spike, Five for Fighting wouldn't take this lying down, they'd take action! I'm going to go out and give everypony a piece of my mind!"

And with that Twilight trotted down the hall to the door, formulating a new part of her "fuck you speech" with every step. Finally she threw the door open, only to be greeted with a rather confusing site.

"They're all just going about their daily lives."

"Of course they are,"said Spike,"a lot of people don't like change, but they learn to accept it. Any genuine problems they had have become minor inconveniences to them."

"Wow, you mean-"

"That's right Twilight, you could fill the town with child prostitutes and parrots that scream obscenities and these people wouldn't give a shit."

"Really? Well then, I'm sure they'll love the next update. Mwahahahahaha!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

The end.