The Adventures of Binks' The Human

*Binks' POV*

    Around noon on my noble mission to Griffonia, I stop for a water break and a Slim Jim. Every time I eat a Slim Jim or a can of sardines or anything prepackaged, I think, Well, there's one less of that in the world. ...Well, that was only if I didn't have a magical bag that resupplies every 3 days or so. Magic is so fucking amazing even if I didn't understand a lickity split about it.

   But, one of these days, I swear to Mother Teresa's holy ass that I'm going to catch a chicken and wring it's delicious neck. I would kill for a cheeseburger. Or chicken nuggets. Honestly, If I had come across someone eating a cheeseburger I'd seriously kill them for it (Not really but, you get what I mean). There are plenty cows that I've seen while traveling the countryside. I would shoot one and milk it's utters for milk to make the cheese and then carve it up. I would have no problem slaughtering a cow. (Hey, I see you looking at me like that, don't judge If you went 6 months without any meat you'd be pretty desperate too). I mean sure I had Slim Jim's but, having to constantly eat them for months on end got tiring ,real fast and the bag only resupplies basic supplies meaning no steak, cheeseburger, or chicken nuggets. My only problem would be whether it was sentient or not because I'm not eating ANYTHING that can talk no matter what, goes against my principles and besides It'll be hella awkward. And considering that there are talking pastel-colored horses I'm pretty sure that cows and other animals would be sentient as well and if cows are as skittish as these ponies then I honestly didn't want to deal with it, I don't need to attract the attention so, for now I will have deal with the mundane life of eating Slim Jim's and canned sardines.

   A shadow shoots across the grass in front of me. I jerk my head back, knocking it hard against the side of the tree I was leaning against while I enjoyed my mundane snack. It was a bird, a familiar one at that, skimming along with barely a flicker with it's blue, outstretched wings.

"Oh it's you Twitter.. goddammit, you nearly made me bust my head against the tree!" I snapped, rubbing the side of my head.

"Chirp!" the bird squeaked happily, without a hint of remorse.

"You know an apology would be appreciated, Twitter." I said

The bird tilted it's head almost as if saying "Bitch please".

"Fine, be like that then" I replied.

Birds suck.

I sat up and dusted of my old, denim jeans and looked around the clearing as I did so I heard a strange squeaking noise coming from the woods to the east.

"Chirp." Twitter chirped.

"Yeah, I hear it too...let's go see what it is" I said as I hoisted my bag over my shoulder, next to my banjo with Twitter perched on my other shoulder. I walked into the forest trying to find the source of the strange noise. As I walked closer and closer, I realized it wasn't squeaking but...crying? I approached the clearing in the middle of these woods, I was presented with the sight of a small pony. A filly I presumed (because she was obviously too small to be a mare or stallion and to delicate looking to be a colt), she had a blue and yellow mane, with fur covering her body as she sat on her hunches balling her eyes out oblivious of me watching her(that sounded creepy... I'M NOT A PEDO!). I edged closer trying to get a closer look but, thanks to the universe being the huge dick that it is I just so happen to conveniently step on a branch. Fuck me! The filly's ear shoot up and turned her head towards the noise as we came face-to-face with each other. We both stared at each other in awkward silence as I gazed into her crystal, blue eyes. My thoughts was interrupted as she...

"AHHHHHHHHHHH/EEEEEEKKKKK!!!!" she/I screamed at the same time.(And by scream I mean a manly yell of course. Heh) I fell back on my ass as she scampered away behind a tree.

"P-please don't eat me! I don't taste all that good r-really, I taste like bad candy!!" pleaded the little filly.

"Ughh....ow my ass.. Chill I'm not going to eat ya, Kid." I said rubbing my ass.

"I'm n-not a goat I'm a pony a-and how do I know you won't eat me... AND YOU CAN TALK!" she screamed the last part. God, this pony had a pair of lungs on her.

"Yes I can talk and no, I won't eat you so, why don't you come on out."

"I-I still don't know if I can trust you" said the filly. Well, the kid has some common sense  at least.

"Well, true enough I guess I'll just take my leave you all alone in this dark, scary forest all by yourself filled with who knows what types of creatures....Well, good luck!" I said started to walk off.

"Wait!!"

Hook. Line. And sinker

"Please wait! I-I'm sorry I'm just.." the filly trailed off.

"It's okay Ms..?"

"Poppy...my name's Poppy" said the filly.

"Ok Poppy so, tell me why are you out here by yourself ?"

"I'm on an adventure!" she said with enthusiasm.

"Oh, really now? and....where are your parents exactly?" I asked.

"Doesn't matter where they are, it's not like they care anyway!" snapped the little filly. Whoa where did THAT come from?

"Umm ok never mind then, so where exactly are you heading on this little adventure of yours?"

"Hmm I don't no yet but, any where's good enough for me!" Poppy said happily.

"I see.. I'm on an adventure myself" I told her.

"Really! Can I come?" asked the enthusiastic filly.

Hmm..should I really bring along a underage filly on my adventure that would no doubt be filled with danger and violence putting her life at substantial risk? The answer was obvious.

"Sure you can I could use the company" I said.

"YAYYYY! I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!!! Are we going to fight pirates or outlaws  *gasp* maybe we'll fight both of them at the SAME time!! OH MY CELESTIA!!"....Jesus this kid is hyper.

"Calm down, Poppy seriously" I exasperated.

"Oh, sorry.." she said, blushing lightly. " It's just sometimes I can get a bit excited." she explained. No kidding.

"It's okay, Poppy" I said as I got off the ground, dusting myself off.

"Oh, I forgot to ask.....What are you, exactly?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, I'm a human. Binks' The Human, to be specific." I replied. A chirp could be heard from behind me as a bluebird perched itself upon my shoulder. " And this here, is Twitter."

"Chirp!"

"A Human? Never heard of one."

"I doubt you would but anyway, I got to ask where is your house exactly?"

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"So that we can avoid it at all cost of course, I mean we wouldn't want to come across them they would stop you from going on your amazing adventure, right?" I said with the most convincing smile I could muster.

"You're right!" she pointed her hoof eastward. " It's that way, to the east, it's a small cabin in the woods you can't miss it!" she said. Well, so much for common sense. Ponies are so friggin' gullible.

"Ok then, let's avoid it at all cost then. Well, let's go then" I said as I began walking back towards the trail.

"Wait for me!" shouted Poppy.

       Two hours. Two hours of hearing Poppy talk about pirates. Two hours of hearing Poppy talk about outlaws. Two hours of her talking about clowns on unicycles (Don't ask) and two hours of.... OK, you get the point, I was getting pretty irritated with the little filly that being an understatement. I was pretty fucking annoyed with the little pony and I was this close to to having a friggin' aneurysm and even closer to ditching the little filly. But, I was above that I was a human for God's sake, part of the most annoyingly successful species in existence I wasn't gonna be bested by some pony. Never!

"Hey, Mr. Human, what do you think the outlaws will do to convince the pirates to get to Candy Island?" asked Poppy. And with that one comment humanity had lost.

Well, Humanity can't win them all I suppose...The official crown for most annoying species goes to Ponykind and it's all thanks to one filly...Congratu-fucking-lations ponies!

"Ok! Poppy wanna play a game?" I said slapping my hands together.

"Oh, a game! I love games!" said the filly.

"It's called the Silence Game, all you have to do is be quiet and not talk and you win! Think you can do that?"

"Yup, I sure can"

That was another thing about Poppy...she had no type of social common sense or etiquette whatsoever. I mean I wasn't the most social of people but, I had common knowledge on what to say and when to say it.(Not that I gave a flying fuck about any of that.) But, Poppy on the other hand, lacked that social etiquette. From what I inferred is that she lived in that cabin in the woods for her whole life, with little to no outside contact with ponies other than her parents. Due to this she failed to pick up on things people..er ponies would be able to easily identify. Like for example, if someone who was I don't know...annoyed with said pony, that pony would most definitely fail to read basic body language and shut the hell up! And the fact that she knows little about the outside world didn't help either I mean I knew more about Equestria than this kid did and I'm not even a fucking pony! Her parents were probably the type that wanted to 'shelter' or 'preserve her innocence' from the scary, scary outside world. I mean I heard of parents sheltering  their kids but, keeping them locked in a cabin and completely closed off from their own kind is a bit extreme. But, who I'm I to judge someone's parenting skills? Hell, I'm not a parent (Thank God!) but I still couldn't help but, feel sympathy for the kid I can kind of understand why the kid left to go on an... "Adventure" being locked up like that must be tough.

"Mr. Human, I have a question?" asked the dyssemic pony.

"Goddamit Poppy! I hasn't even been 2 minutes!" I snapped becoming aggravated again.

"But, it's a really IMPORTANT question." emphasized the filly.

I sighed "Fine, what is it?"

Poppy walked up to me (a littletooclose I might add) "W-would you be m-my-"

"Speak up kid can't hear ya" I cut her off.

"M-m-m-my frie-"

"Huh, what is it kid?" I said getting irritated.

"Chirp." Twitter chirped also getting impatient.

"WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND!?" she screamed/squeaked out.

"..Why?" I asked.

"W-well I never had a friend before and I-I never really talk to other p-ponies so I figured you would w-want to..-" she was cut off by me gently rubbing the top of her head as she stared up at me .

"Poppy, of course I'll be your friend." I said simply.

"R-really?" she questioned.

"But, of course I am.. hell, I thought we already were friends Poppy."

"I-is that true?" I answered her question by giving the most genuine smile I could muster. Poppy then crashed into me by giving me a bone-crushing hug.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you..." said Poppy as she cried.

"Hey, Poppy why are you crying?" I asked worried.

"I-I'm just so happy...I finally have a friend.." Poppy said as she cried tears of joy. My heart ached at just how lonely, how... desperate this child was to have a friend.

"It's ok kid, I'm here" I said soothing her.

"Thank you, Mr. Human"

"No problem, Kid"

"I'm not a goat" said Poppy.

"Pony, filly whatever." I said

"Mr. Human...what's a stripper?" asked the filly.

"WHAT!?" Where the hell that question come from?

"I saw it written in your journal inside your bag." You went inside my bag? Dafaq Poppy?

"OK, me and you need to talk about boundaries."

"But, seriously what's a stripper?" asked the curious filly.

"A stripper is someone or somepony who gets paid money for showing off their...goods."

"Ooohhh like candy!?"

"Yeah...something like that."

"I can get paid bits for showing off my candy! I want to a stripper when I grow!" Poppy said with enthusiasm.

"Wait, Poppy-"

"Chirp." Shut up, Twitter!

"*gasp* Maybe I'll get a stripper cutie mark!"  The filly was already trotting along the trail chanting 'I'm gonna be a stripper' as I felt another headache coming on.

Oh boy...

After spending the last hour or so trying to convince Poppy about her new future 'career' choice, I managed to persuade her not to be a stripper but, I may have a little trouble with trying to convince her about her new career as a lumberjack (don't ask) but, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Sundown was fast approaching and I had no idea where to set up camp and I was fairly low on supplies as it is and then there was Poppy...

"Hey, Mr. Human?" asked the filly.

"Yeah?" I lazily replied while rummaging through my bag.

"Are cats suppose to be really big?"

"Some are"

"Do they have big fangs?"

"Well, that depends-"

"And bat wings?"

"Well, that's--wait what are you-" My words was caught in my throat as I stand there frozen in fear as soon as I say it I knew what it was....It was a fucking manticore. The beast had the body of a red lion, a with three rows of sharp teeth (like a shark), large leathery bat wings, and a scorpions tail with dangerous looking spines poking out of it but, worse of all was its eyes they were a sickly-piercing yellow, with slitted eyes. They had a violent and feral look to them, something primal, they made me feel small as if I was simply another meal on this things menu.  If this thing was anything like the myths describe it on Earth, then I knew we we're fucked all kinds of ways. Unless I...

"Hi Mr. Cat, my names Poppy what's yours?" said Poppy as she walk up to the manticore. God dammit Poppy!

"Poppy! No, get away from that thing!" I whispered harshly.

"Awwwww but why I bet he just need a friend right?" replied Poppy with a smile as the gigantic maw of the manticore opened to swallow the filly whole.

"CHIRP!!"

"POPPY NOOO!!!"

CRUNCH!

3rd POV

Time seemed to have slowed as Poppy lay on the ground eyes filled with terror as she realize how close she was to dying. She stared back towards the human as he kneeled with a uncharacteristic serious expression on his face as he held a wooden slingshot with archaic engravings etched into it, holding the grip in one hand and had his other hand pulled back ready to fire again. The manticore stumbled back in shock as it tried to expunge the peanut butter from its enlarged maw.

"Huh, peanut butter eh? Well, atleast it wasn't bubbles this time." said the human he then turned to Poppy. " You okay, Poppy ?"

"N-no.."

"Didn't expect you to be... Twitter I want you to take Poppy and get her somewhere safe I'll handle Tony the Tiger here."

"Chirp." replied the bluebird.

"B-but but..."

"No 'buts' Poppy ya need to get to safety."

"B-but I just can't leave you..."

"Please Poppy do this for me... as a friend" the human replied with a smile. He hated to have to pull the 'friend-card' but it was the only way he knew she would go. "Besides, it'll take more than some cat to take out the Great Binks' The Human." the human said putting on a strong face for Poppy but, in reality was just as terrified.

"O-okay i'll go"

"Good girl. Now go." he replied as Twitter began to retreat into the forest before she turned and said  "Please stay safe, Mr. Human" before funning off into the woods. he smiled and then turned my attention back to the manticore who had begun to become undazzed.

"I hope you enjoyed that you dum cat because that was only the taste of what this bad boy could do. Behold my ultimate weapon, The Super Magical Random Slingshot of Doom! or the S.M.R.S.D for short. " The slingshot was Binks' ace in the hole. The magical item could fire magical pilets that could fire at rapid speeds. But, while it was Binks' ace in the hole it was also his greatest liability. While he could indeed incapacitate an enemy it could just as easily make the situation worse than it is because the pillets are completely random, meaning the pilets could shoot lightning or bubbles almost as if it had a conscience of its own he was playing magical Russian roulette and he had no control over it whatsoever leaving the human understandably terrified of the resulting implications of challenging a literal man-eater. The manticore had finally regained its footing and narrowed its eyes at the human if it wasn't pissed before then, it was definitely pissed now as it growled venomously.

"Huh, you didn't like that eh? Then how bout..THIS!" he fired another the pilet at the manticore only to have it burst into bubbles upon impact."Fucking bubbles...really?...fuck you magic" He thought to himself.

The manticore then roared a loud, trumpet/pipe-like roar that sent a chill of terror through the human. The beast readied its scorpion-like tail as the barbs on the end looked ready to fire its poison towards the human. It's face was scrunched up in anger.  It slowly drew its massive tail slowly, the tail made a hissing whisper as it raised above it's head, dripping from the tip of it's tail was deadly poison ready to skewer the human. The deadly tail came towards the human with lightining fast speed but, the humans natural reflexes were faster as he  sidestepped to the right just enough and the tail passed a hairs breath from his face. Quickly, before the beast could respond with a follow-up, Binks' swiftly jabbed a large tree branch he found next to him and jabbed the manticore in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of the beast, and stunning it for a brief moment.

The quick blow had opened Binks' up for another attack and the manticore obliged him, putting a simple sidekick into the manticore’s stomach, doubling the already stunned manticore over. But, as the manticore stumbled towards the ground it extended it's massive wing catching the human off guard. The wing knocked back the human was literally pulled off his feet violently and was thrown across the ground.  He skidded and tumbled along the surface, uncontrolled only to be stopped by a tree as it knocking the wind out of him. groan escaped his lips as the pain from the attack started setting in.

The human looked up and his eyes opened with surprise.

As the manticore stumbled out of it's daze it had bounded off the ground and threw itself into a spin that would have made even the best of Pegasus flyers jealous.  Flattening out in the air like a sideways whirling tornado, so that it's body was perpendicular with Binks’ as he neared the fallen human, the manticore’s spin got increasingly fast as it whipped it's arms in and out, efficiently putting the beast into an almost uncontrollable rotation, arced at Binks'.

"Holy fucknuggets..." thought the human.

Just as the manticore was about to reach Binks', the human threw one of his legs out, shin angled down.  The entire force from the spin was pushed into his leg, dodging just as the creatures massive jaws came down and crushed the base of the tree behind the human, causing a torrent of splinters that rose up around it in the air. Binks' barely had time to breath, let alone dodge.  But, it was a testament to his agility as a whole that Binks' kept the presence of mind to roll to the right in a desperate dodge, towards the dense foliage of the forest.  Just in time.

With the speed of a cat, while the splinters were still hanging mid air, the manticore spun it's body around and swept his foot towards his opponents head.  The attack was so quick that Binks' didn't have time to even register it until a searing pain came down rushing forward like a waterfall causing the human to cry out in pain; it actually pushed the human a foot and a half into the air,  causing him to hit the ground in an uncomfortable position.

"Goddammit! Son of a Bitch!" cried the out the human in pain looking at the claw mark etched across his chest as the blood oozed from the fresh wound. He then looked down at one of his hands and noticed one of his nails bleeding. "Dammit!  I broke a nail! Fuck!" He exclaimed in frustration.

The manticore walked slowly to the human as the human lay in agonizing pain. The human saw this and began to panic as he felt a feeling of dread wash over him. "Dammit, this what I get for being a fucking hero...I'm never being a hero again...that's considering if I survive this.." He thought. Then the thought struck him. The slingshot! it's his only chance. His eyes scanned the area for the as he saw that it was on the ground....right behind the manticore. "Fuck you universe.." thought the human.

As he slowly got up, ignoring the obvious pain he was in as he made a made dash for the slingshot. The manticore saw this and blocked the humans path with his wing.

But, the human anticipated something like that as he scooped up a handful of dirt and threw it into the beast eyes, blinding it. The manticore let out a blood-curdling roar as Binks dove under the bat wing, baseball-style snatching up the slingshot. "Gotcha!" exclaimed the human. The manticore, now unfazed turned to the battered human with hatred, a hatred that I had never seen before in animal or anyone for that matter. It was unnatural what it's eyes displayed as its simmering anger now boiled over, I had made it personal.

At that moment, Binks' realized this wasn't about winning or losing; It was about survival. "Fine, bring it bitch.."He thought.

The hoarse rasps of the human could be heard as he took his pellet from his pocket and readied his slingshot. "Ok, universe don't be a dick this time just this once...don't fuck me over." Binks silently prayed as the angered manticore circled the human as its wings and maw ready to end the human's life.

"Come and get some you overgrown pussy!" shouted the human. That was the last straw for the manticore as it rushed towards the human in a furious dash as it leaped towards Binks its mouth widened as if to swallow the human whole.

The human fired his pellet into the creature's mouth...

KA-BOOM!

Binks felt the explosion before he actually heard it. The resulting explosion caused both the human and manticore were blown in opposite directions, causing the human to collide into a tree as the rubble from the resulting explosion rained down upon him. He lay on the ground as the world around him was consumed by fire.

The last thing he heard was a voice shouting out his name as he faded in unconscious.