Twirek

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Tirek
Length: 1551

Twilight loves a strong, handsome stallion. Or a centaur. She's not picky.

The time comes in every newly-ascended Princess' life when she needs to date a pony or something more becoming of her stature. What could be more appropriate than a centaur?

Audio reading by AShadowOfCygnus

Published 2014-10-11 01:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-11 01:20:02 UTC

Yes, Twirek.

Twirek
Admiral Biscuit

Spike rolled over in his magical crystal basket. His old one had burned in the fire, and while he actually liked the replacement better, he certainly couldn't tell Twilight that. He was sure she was still devastated by the loss of her treehome.

For Spike, it was the best thing that could have happened. A new magical castle meant a whole maze of new corridors to explore, and, better yet, the entire thing was made out of gems. Though of course, that was a mixed blessing: his belly was already distended from a ‘hallway widening project’ he'd devoted himself to earlier that day.

He groaned and rubbed his stomach, then belched out a small gout of flame. No letter came with it, thank Celestia. He didn't feel like getting up and tracking Twilight through the labyrinthine passages of their new home.

But when the castle shifted slightly, he changed his mind. Sure, having a new room all to himself was nice most of the time . . . a young dragon needed space to do his own thing, Twilight had said, and while he wasn't sure what that thing was, he trusted that Twilight had his best interests at heart.

She'd also recently begun to have stallions stay for sleepovers, which was nice. He liked hanging out with the girls, but ever since he'd come to Ponyville, it'd been a constant parade of females. The orange-coated stallion who was in the Guard was especially nice; he played games with Spike outside until it got dark, and even made dinner, which they ate together. Sometime around dessert, he’d mention offhoofedly how tired he was, and Twilight would enthusiastically agree. Then they’d head upstairs together. Spike found this behaviour from Twilight rather unsettling. She usually wouldn't admit when she was exhausted, and more times than he could count, he'd had to throw a blanket over her and move books away from her head so she wouldn't drool on them in her sleep.

Another rattling of gems interrupted his reverie. He listened to them for a moment, trying to figure out where it might be coming from. He was no stranger to the odd middle-of-the-night explosion, of course, but something about this was . . . off. He could feel the disturbance in the forces acting on the castle. With a resigned sigh, he tossed the blanket off himself and headed for the door. Maybe Twilight knew what was going on.

He trudged up the stairs to her bedroom and pushed the massive ornamental double doors open. Twilight was nowhere to be seen.

And so, over the course of the next hour, Spike searched every room in the castle. All were devoid of alicorns. He scampered back to the office, looking around for some way to get her a message. Owlicious blinked at him as he began rummaging through the desk for scrolling paper. Finding none, he slammed the drawer shut as the castle shifted again, then settled into a series of pained groans. From upstairs, he heard a moaning noise.

That sounded like it came from Twilight's room, he thought. He sprinted up the spiraling staircase to the tallest tower, skidding slightly on the slick slate. Owlicious made no effort to follow him.

The massive doors to Twilight's room were ajar, as he'd left them, and he burst through into her private chambers. His worst suspicions were confirmed as his wild eyes came to rest on Twilight, who was encased in a giant red hand. His eyes traced the hand as it turned into an arm, a sinewy, thickly-corded arm that stretched an impossible distance upward until it became a massive meaty shoulder. And just above that shoulder and a little to the left, a face! A long, brutish face, scarred and pitted, the massive nose-ring mere inches from Twilight’s muzzle!

He's trying to eat her!

“Tirek!”

Spike lunged towards the nearest wall and snapped off a particularly scrumptious-looking crystal spine. He whirled in the direction of the lumbering beast and brandished his newfound weapon like a lance. Or a kebab. He wasn’t sure which. "Unhand her, you ruffian!"

Tirek let out a low chuckle that sounded like an orphan being punched. Repeatedly.

"Spike!" Twilight whirled around to face him. "Apologize to Mr. Tirek!"

Conflicting impulses in Spike's brain crashed into each other and derailed in an explody mess. Then, for good measure, they exploded again. He just stood there, mouth agape. The crystal fell out of his nerveless hand and rolled across the floor with a soft plinking noise.

"It's no bother, Princess." Tirek nodded at the gobsmacked drake. "Really, you should hear some of the denizens of Tartarus during chowtime." He flashed a mock salute at the still-motionless Spike, leaned forward to nuzzle Twilight again, and then set her down gently on the bedroom floor. "I must be getting back, my dear, but I'll see you next Tuesday."

"I'll miss you." Twilight brushed her cheek against his huge open palm, smiling lazily as his hand retreated outside. She walked to the balcony as he gave her small wave, and blew kisses at his retreating back as he sauntered through Ponyville, knocking over trees and houses as he went. Even the anguished cries of the ponies he left in his wake couldn’t wipe the smile from Twilight’s face. She turned to face Spike with a pixelated look. "Isn't he dreamy?"

Spike fainted, and not in a manly way. His jaw still agape, his eyes rolled up into his head, and he crashed to the floor flat on his back.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The next morning, the two sat at the kitchen table across from each other. A plate of pancakes sat between them, untouched. Spike thought Twilight had made them, and she thought he had, but they were really just a convenient storytelling device.

"So," Twilight began.

"Yeah." Spike scratched the back of his head.

"I . . . haven't been entirely honest with you, Spike."

"No, really?" He poured himself a glass of syrup out of a crystal decanter and watched Twilight for a reaction. She was staring off beyond his shoulder.

"No. And I should be honest. It's one of the five virtues." Twilight almost looked him in the eye, but at the last moment she found a better locus for her attention in the wall behind him. "Spike, I'm dating Tirek."

"Dating him?"

"It's when grown up ponies hang out together and . . . do things."

"Like sleepovers?"

Twilight nodded eagerly. "Yes, just like that."

"Like that orange Guardpony does." Spike nodded. "Do you think he'll get along with Tirek? I mean—"

"Ah. . . ." Twilight rubbed her hoof through her mane. "He won't be coming around any more. I broke up with him."

"Because you're fucking Tirek now?"

"Exactly." Twilight looked over at the pancakes, and levitated half the stack to her plate. "Flash wasn't what I needed. There just wasn't any chemistry there, and since Fluttershy has Discord, I asked Princess Celestia if I could what did you just say mister?"

"Might as well call a spade a spade." Spike broke off a piece of the table and wrapped it in a pancake, then chewed the crunchy concoction, chasing it with a bit of syrup. "Isn't another of the virtues loyalty?"

"Oh please." Twilight waved a hoof. "That ship sank a long time ago, when I discovered that Flash was a one-dimensional character." Her eyes took on a distant look again. "But, I'll admit he was handsome and had a complimentary coat color and good endurance with a strong finish."

"If you say so." Spike broke off another piece of the table and scratched a scale with it. "But don't you think that everypony in Ponyville will be disturbed that you're dating a giant mutant centaur who stole everypony's magic and tried to enslave us all?"

Twilight shook her head. "Fluttershy lives with Discord."

"But they're not—"

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Goddammit."

"Besides,” Twilight added, “I seem to remember that your crush tried to take over Equestria once, too."

"That was only in the comics. It doesn't count." Spike got a wistful look. "Although, Nightmarity was pretty hot." He swallowed, tugged at an imaginary collar, then grabbed another pancake and shoved it into his mouth, drizzling syrup in after. "Maybe I can convince her to dress up for next Nightmare Night."

"And his hands." Twilight pushed her untouched stack of pancakes away, a shiver coursing through her body and causing her to splay her wings a little. "Spike, you can't imagine what it's like to have hands running all over your body instead of these clumsy things."

Spike glanced down at his claws. "I've actually got a pretty good idea how it feels." He pushed his chair back from the table. "If you need me, I'll be at Quills and Sofas. I need to get enough scrolling papers to write a letter to the Princess, then a reply, then a shorter response, and then a suicide note. I hope I don't have to answer the last one."

"Have fun, Spike." Twilight began tracing hearts on the table with her hoof. "Be back before dark, okay?"

Author's Note

A One-Shot-Ober story
Europa made me do it.