It wasn't raining.
The weather ponies had provided a sunny day; calm, with just a hint of a breeze. Had Celestia asked for that, so that the sun could see?
Spike's mind kept catching on such inconsequential thoughts.
Trivialities were safe. The sunlight was something to think about besides the fresh-turned earth before him, besides the headstone, besides the name written there. Spike hadn't read it. He didn't want to read it. Reading it would make his loss even more real. It was already too real for him to bear.
Luna presided over the service. Spike almost wanted to put his hands over his ears and not listen, but he didn't. He sat, wings tucked against his sides, and listened as Luna shared stories of Twilight's life, and still her death wasn't real—something his mind knew but his heart refused to accept—even as huge, hot tears trickled down his cheeks.
The service finished just as the sun set, and the deepening twilight that gathered as the crowd slowly departed only brought more tears to Spike's eyes. He laughed, one short, almost hysterical bark of sound, at the thought that a terrible pun was making him cry. Yet he sat beside the grave through the dusk, long after most of the mourners had left, until the last of the light had gone and the stars were all out. He didn't look at the stars, either. They too were only reminders of loss, now. She had loved to watch them...
A touch at his shoulder, as high as a pony could easily reach on him now, broke him from his thoughts, though it did not clear the tears from his eyes.
"Are you all right, darling?"
He looked down to see Rarity standing there, as lovely and elegant as ever, though gray threaded through her mane now, and she wore it in a simple bun and not the more elaborate curls she had formerly favored.
Spike wordlessly shook his head. No, he was not all right.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Spike shook his head again.
"I'm here if you do want to talk," said Rarity gently. "Why don't you come back to the tower with me? The girls are all there."
No they're not, thought Spike, with a sudden fresh stab of grief and pain, but he nodded and rose to his feet, trailing after Rarity across Ponyville to the crystalline, tree-like Tower of Friendship. The big double doors of the tower were large enough that he didn't need to duck, even now. Inside, he saw the same circle of chairs that had always stood there, including the tiny chair next to Twilight's. Tears flooded his eyes again as he remembered all the times he had sat there beside her. He walked up to the little chair and put his hand on it. Then he looked at the larger one, with Twilight's cutie mark on the back of it.
It was suddenly too much to bear. The tears came faster, and he found himself sobbing, his body shuddering with grief. Rarity hugged him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, enough though she had to stand on tiptoe on her hind legs to do so. He hugged her back, as tightly as he dared, and cried until his eyes ached.
"Feel better?" said Rarity, when he finally let go of her.
"A little," he said. Which was true, but although he felt a bit lighter, as if the tears he'd shed had been made of lead and not merely salty water, there was still a knot of pain at his core that hadn't gone away. He wasn't sure it ever would.
Rarity led him past the chairs in what they'd always called the throne room,—the title half serious and half a joke—and into another room beyond, where they'd often gathered in past years for less formal occasions. It was full of ponies. Pinkie Pie was there, so there were balloons and streamers and punch and cupcakes. A banner said "Goodbye Twilight," and though Spike knew that Pinkie was just dealing with her loss the only way she could, he still felt another stab of pain to see it.
Applejack was there too, with a cluster of other Apples, including Apple Bloom and AJ's own three daughters. Fluttershy was in a corner, quietly leaning against Big Mac. Rainbow Dash was there as well, hovering just above the floor, as reluctant to come to ground as always, even though white now streaked her rainbow mane. Though this time maybe it was because flying put her at eye level with Princess Luna, who was also present, and who was chatting with Dash quietly. Cadance was there too, and Shining Armor, the pair as close as if they were literally attached at the hip, comforting each other as best they could. The whole room was a strange mixture of celebration and sadness, of smiles and tears, as the gathered ponies spoke of their missing friend.
Spike had to duck just a bit to get through this door, but there was room enough for him among the crowd. He edged along one wall, finding a corner of his own, and sank to his haunches. He was not entirely sure he should be here. He knew perfectly well that saying goodbye in the company of his other friends might make him feel better in the end, but he still didn't want to face Twilight's death. He wanted to just wish it away. It shouldn't have happened. She should still be here. Any minute now, she would walk into the room and say hello to everyone, with a special greeting for her number one assistant. Any minute now.
"How you holdin' up, sugarcube?"
Spike looked down at Applejack and shrugged. "All right, I guess," he said.
"You wanna' talk about it?"
Spike frowned and shook his head. What was there to talk about? Twilight was gone, no amount of talking could fix that.
"Well if there's anythin' I can do for you, sugarcube, don't hesitate t' let me know, okay?"
Spike nodded, not knowing how else to respond to that. There wasn't anything that anyone could do. There wasn't anything I could do. I couldn't even be there for her...
Applejack walked off, leaving Spike alone with his thoughts.
"Hello, Spike."
He looked up to see Princess Celestia standing beside him. "Celestia," he said, giving her a little nod.
"I'm glad you were able to make it to the funeral," she said, speaking gently, softly.
"I... thanks. I just wish... I..." Spike found tears choking him once more, and tried to blink them away. How long would it be before every thought no longer made him start crying? "Never mind," he choked out.
Celestia hugged him, the one pony here who didn't need to stand on tiptoe to do so. "If you want to talk about it..."
Sorrow flashed to anger in a moment, and smoke began to curl from Spike's nostrils. "Why do ponies keep asking me that? What good will it do?" he said, his voice starting to rise. "Talking can't bring her back!"
Celestia glanced around, seeing that several heads were already turning towards the sound of the huge dragon's voice. She also saw the smoke coming from him, and knew that fire might well soon follow it. A golden glow of magic folded around her, and a moment later she and Spike were standing elsewhere, in a nearly featureless place, where the floor was misty and indistinct, and the sky above was strewn with stars in constellations Spike had never seen before.
"Talking can help," said Celestia, stepping back from him. "Sometimes there are things that need saying. And sharing stories of her isn't a bad way to remember her."
"I don't want to remember her. Remembering hurts. Remembering just reminds me that she's gone. I had... I had a future with her, Celestia. There were so many things we were going to do together..."
"Spike... you surely know that you were always going to outlive her," said Celestia softly, gently.
"Yes I know!" That was nearly a roar. The smoke from Spike's nostrils thickened, and a lick of fire came from his mouth as he continued to shout. "I'm not stupid! Even if I were stupid, she told me! She... she..." the smoke died, and he slumped. "She wanted to be sure I understood. I was just eight, but she thought I was old enough to understand. She was only sixteen. She... she was always so aware of her responsibilities, even then. She told me that unicorns don't usually live much more than a century, and that she might live a little longer, because her magic was strong, but that I was going to outlive her all the same." Tears were in his eyes again, and his voice was choked, but he pressed on. Suddenly all the things he hadn't wanted to say needed to be said. He had to get the sorrow out, somehow, even though he knew it was futile. "She talked to me about it again, when she became an alicorn, just so I'd understand that she wasn't like you, that she still wouldn't live forever. I'd accepted that.
"But we were supposed to have decades left! She was supposed to see my children, Celestia. I... I met someone, this last migration. We'd started making plans. We drew blueprints for our cave, and there was a room there for pony visitors. I put it in, just for her, so she could come see our hatchlings. She was going to help teach them about ponies. I was going to help her write that book about dragons. I was going to do so many things with her! I... I knew I'd lose her, but not so soon. I wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I was going to hold her hoof when she was so old she'd gone all gray, after we'd said goodbye together to the rest of our friends, and it would have been sad, but I would have been ready! I didn't even get to hold her hoof at all, she was gone before I got here. It's not right, Celestia! It's not fair! She wasn't even sixty! She was supposed to outlive all of us except you and me, and now she's gone." He started sobbing again and collapsed to the ground.
Celestia lay down next to him and spread a wing over him. "I know Spike. I know."
"How do you deal with it? How do you make it not hurt?"
"I don't. It does hurt, Spike. Every time. All you can do is keep on."
"How long does it take before everything stops reminding you?"
Celestia shook her head slowly. "It never entirely goes away. I still get moments when I remember somepony from centuries ago. It does stops hurting quite so much eventually, though that never goes away entirely either. But Spike... would you really want to forget about her completely?"
Spike heaved a deep sigh, his closed eyes once again starting to leak tears. "No."
"That's good. I know right now it's not very comforting, but you and I will remember her more or less forever. We can tell future generations about her, about how wonderful and kind and smart and amazing she was. Someday your hatchlings will grow up on stories of her, and my future students, and ponies all over Equestria. She will be remembered for centuries. I can't help but think that that's a good thing."
"Yeah," said Spike, sniffling, "I guess it is." He sat up slowly. Celestia hugged him again, tightly, folding her wings around him. He hugged her back as he began to cry again, tears trickling down his snout and falling on Celestia's shoulder, but this time he felt better when he finally let go of her.
Celestia gave him a small, sad smile. "Ready to go back to the party?"
Spike sniffled again, but nodded. "Yes. Let's go remember her together."
Author's Note
I realize that this story is pretty much made of nothing but sad, and doesn't really tell much of a story. I wrote it to express what I am currently feeling. Disrespectful comments will be deleted. Sometimes dark topics can be funny, but right now, to me, this is not.
