Those Who Need A Friend

Sane trotted down the well worn path of the Everfree forest as the sun began to rise above the treeline on the horizon. While there was already a warm glow in the sky the forest was still dark from the shadows of the tree wall. There was enough light to see where he was going however.

He had picked a time when he was least likely to run into anypony. He wanted to avoid everypony so he could be himself. To escape their judgmental gaze and criticizing views.

There was nothing wrong with Sane... Physically at least. Your average run of the mill Pegasus. Tan fur, and a short brown mane with matching brown eyes. In his own opinion rather plain but that was alright. In a world of all colors of fur, manes and eyes plain was unique. His muzzle was a little longer than most stallions as was his tail but really no reason to fret.

He was healthy...ish. He had a sloppy diet but a fast metabolism had saved him from becoming overweight. He kept himself in decent shape, flying and running almost everyday after dinner. He was not consistent but he visited the gym frequently enough. All in all his efforts earned him a modest build that was fairly toned. Nothing impressive.

No, nothing was wrong with him physically at all. So why did he prefer to avoid other ponies? He wasn't so delusional as to think that everypony actually took time out of their days to judge him with any significant thought. Yet for some reason he could not get the thought out of his head. Though in this matter he was hypocritical. For he judged everypony he met. He didn't mean to. It just happened. If they did something good they were good. If they did something bad they were bad.

Nothing was ever gray for him, always black or white. Again not something he meant to do. In his conscious mind he knew that just because somepony lied that did not make him or her a bad pony. However he could not help but to think this way and he hated it. Always having to rethink something just to make sure he had not judged a situation to lightly or to rash.

Social anxiety was as much a plague to him as the common cold might be to anypony else. He read too much into details that never really mattered, then based the mood of the environment off of what he saw. The problem being he focused on the bad details more than good because he didn't have to worry about the good.

For instance, if he were talking with somepony, and the conversation was a nice lighthearted one, but he said something to make the other pony sigh, or look away... He immediately felt as if he had ruined the whole experience. Which only made things worse. From there he would freeze up, stutter or say something completely off hoof or unrelated to what the conversation was about.

Another bad habit he had while trying to be social was overcompensating with jokes or being too playful. He was never really thinking during these times and often annoyed the group he was with. A few bad experiences later and he nixed this approach.

In all actuality he knew that nothing could be perfect, and a difference in opinion or a mistake does not ultimately ruin anything. Yet the thought was there. That negative view always there. He didn't have a chance to rationalize anything during the moment because he was always too worried about how he had fucked up said moment.

In lamens terms every problem became a train wreck.

He was no stranger to the feeling of alienation. Because of the way he saw himself he felt as if he could never relate to anypony else. He'd tried to explain his problem to others but they never seemed to understand. This he could not fault them for. Nothing about his problem was rational... Or so this is what he had convinced himself to be true.

After a while his social awkwardness and black and white view of the world led to depression. Even in the presence of all these ponies he still felt so alone, so lonely. He couldn't bring himself to trust anypony. The fear of betrayal was too great. One of his negative views.

He had once tried to drown his problems in alcohol. See if that would silence the pessimistic voice in his head. Not a real voice in his head of course, a hypothetical one. Fortunately and unfortunately he did not find much appeal in the activity. Especially the morning after. A few bad experiences later he had quit all together.

He sat in his room when he wasn't working. His room was pretty much the same as any other young stallions. He had a TV which as of late he rarely used for anything more than background noise and a game console that saw even less use. A full sized bed with a plain blue comforter, pillowcase, and sky blue sheets. On his dresser there sat a few candles that he lit on the occasions he chose to write. An activity he often took solace in since he was a young colt. That only object that shared the space on the dresser on a constant basis was a baseball from his colthood. The only thing he had kept from his younger years.

He was good at the sport. Almost too good. It was the only thing that ever mattered to him then. The smell of a fresh cut field, the sound of bats against balls and the cheer of the crowd when you sent one into the outfield and your hooves trampled the clay to first base and beyond. Sometimes he went to the park with nopony but his father and brother and practice just for the hell of it. His brother, being younger was not as good as himself but he seemed to enjoy it just as much.

At a time when he was too innocent too understand his condition. He didn't understand it and therefor, gave it little thought so it did not affect him then. He was able to focus on things like sports, friends and school. Until... The day he found out the truth about his mother and his father had left he and his younger brother alone with her. We'll get to that later.

The door that led to his closet had a full body mirror mounted to the outside of it. If he chose to groom himself, put on his socks or go to the gym he took the time to admire himself. Though he'd never admit it to anypony. If he was afraid of ponies judging him from nothing he couldn't imagine what they would say if they found out about that.

There was one large window on the far side of his wall that overlooked a great deal of Ponyville. A great view really in which he indulged in often during sunsets.

Last but not least his leather black roller chair he pushed himself around his room in.

All in all there wasn't much to his room, there did not need to be. He wasn't going to try and replace a relationship with material possessions. He considered this shallow. This was a positive aspect  to his way of thinking yet did little to make up for the bad.

He did occasionally buy himself a treat, like a game once in a while or a new pair of unique socks to try on. His infatuation with the garments alluded even himself yet he wasn't going to question it. On one occasion he bought himself a flute for the simple fact he used to play in elementary school. Mediocre at best but not without talent. He had actually brought the flute with him on his trip through the woods and he intended to play it once he stopped.

For now however he continued his self reflection. He took times like these to think back and analyze himself in hope that he would find the secret to his problem within himself and therefor, solve it.

Things only got worse with time.

Another thing he had taken an interest in was the world around him, and the evil that occupied it. The things he did not understand furthered his frustration. Why there was such things as disease, murder, death and a variety of other curses. Then there was the cruelty of some ponies. For example the ponies that picked on the gray mail mare. A Pegasus with unaligned eyes and bubbles for a cutie mark. He hadn't ever seen her initiate a confrontation but seemed to be the subject of many.

It had crossed his mind more than once to attack the ponies that mocked her but he knew that in the end. it would only make things worse for her. Besides... She seemed to take it well enough, pretending she did not hear the unjust criticism. He envied her.

In an attempt to replace one evil with another he picked up the habit of cutting. He'd picked up his craft razor meant to cut straight edges on paper and brought it to the inside of his right hind leg. He knew full well what he was doing and the general bad publicity of the stunt but he did not care. He already thought everypony judged him and it wasn't like he was going to tell anypony he had done it.

No pony would ever see it either unless they were poking around in places they shouldn't and even if they did, he would tell them he got caught on a fence or something with a loose wire.

So he brought the blade to his skin through his fur, took a deep breath and pulled the razor across.

To his relief and horror the feeling was good. Even as he watched the blood leak from the cut and eventually paint the floor with little red drops. He wasn't bleeding profusely, just enough to notice. He felt he had control at that moment. This was something he could control, his blood. He could make himself bleed. An overwhelming since of calm had taken him. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, bathing in the feeling he rarely experienced.

He wasn't irresponsible about it, besides the fact he did it to begin with. He cleaned the wound with alcohol and bandaged it properly. He was sure an infection wouldn't be as pleasant. He hadn't considered it a bad habit. He wasn't doing this for attention, he wasn't hurting anypony else, and he wasn't causing any permanent damage besides the two scars that were barely visible due to their location and his fur.

To save face he never cut anywhere other than over the two scars. His goal was not to see how many lines he could draw in his skin with his blade.

This wasn't something he did too often either, one because he knew somewhere in the back of his mind this was wrong, and two, if he frequently practiced cutting he would soon become used to the feeling and it would no longer provide him with the comfort it gave him the first time. No, this was something he saved for rainy days.

He wasn't going to pretend that he had never thought of misguiding the razor to a more vulnerable part of his body, or cut just a little deeper. He never did though. He was afraid of that last breath he would take, the last flurry of panicked thoughts as his body lost the battle of self preservation. Afraid that the last thought would be the answer to his problem. Most of all, he was afraid of the divine punishment of eternal damnation for the crime against nature. The sweet release from his mind was tempting but not worth the risk.

He was not always miserable. The pessimistic voice wasn't always so pessimistic. Juts more often than not.

There were times were simple things would fill him with unexplained joy. He fought the urge to analyze the reason seeing as it may ruin the emotion for him. He could not afford to have any of the few things that brought him happiness ruined. Be it a good book, a cute pair of socks, or a brainwashing game. Anything that took his mind off the troubles of the world.

Where it all started he couldn't be sure. Sane had gone for help before, seen a few psychiatrist and a couple of therapist. They had done little but attach a label to his deficiency.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Other than that they did nothing but explain to him what he already knew. That ponies with the disorder typically saw the world as black and white, were vulnerable to mood swings, constant change in opinions, and a mess of other problems.

The one thing he wanted to know was whether the problem was developed or genetic. Maybe so he could signal himself or his family as the bad guy. Turns out all of them had unanimously agreed the disorder was could have been passed along genetically or developed. Of course this did not help Sane much.

Genetics is a real possibility for Sane. While everypony on his fathers side was fine as far as he knew... Everypony on his mothers side was diagnosed with one mental disorder or the other. Some of them even treated in mental hospitals for a while. No asylums. They were not psychopath killers just incapable of living normal lives.

Though development was also a theory with promise.

When Sane was ten his father had left them and he hadn't known why. No big deal right? Lots of ponies parents left each other, divorced or simply vanished with little more than an apology note.

His father had left him and his younger brother with his mother... Sane would not find out why until later. It started slow, things he'd never noticed before suddenly sprung to life. His mother had rules... Not the typical rules a mother would have for their young colt. Rules that never seemed to make any since.

There were words you were not allowed to say. Not any profanity or explicit words but normal everyday words. The list changed from time to time but there were a few consistencies. Anything with an x in it. The phrase down town. Any number with a six in it. Nothing could be repeated more than three times in a row. He could spend hours reciting the long list of phrases he was forbidden to speak while in her presence.

There were things you were not allowed to touch. Not like fragile or antiques but everyday items that for some reason considered evil in her eyes. Once it was a microwave, certain brands of items such as paper towels. There was a chair in the trailer that was never to be thrown out but never sat in also. Countless things to avoid that were in their environment.

She seemed... better in public but not well... There was many a time where she would storm off and leave him and his brother in the middle of a store if one of them had broken one of the strange rules. Other ponies would stare and mumble amongst themselves when they saw her stamp away as if Sane and his brother were not her kids.

Sane hadn't any idea how to react. He'd tried chasing her down but she would only turn and spit vile curses at him if he caught her. Leaving him crestfallen as a young colt, sobbing in public while his little brother just stared on, just as helpless as he. Eventually Sane got to the point where he would let her storm away and merely shield his brother from the onlookers.

She'd always come back to find them, only to ignore their questions and guide them back to the hell hole that was their home... No... Not a home, a place he stayed.

Breaking a rule was worse in private. She beat him, beat him until he was nothing but a withering mess on the floor, crying and begging for her to stop. Asking why over and over but never getting an answer. This was often the punishment for breaking a rule. Afterward she would lock herself in the bathroom for hours, only to come out and act as if she had never raised a hoof against him. Sane sometimes wondered if she herself knew she had done it.

Sane would not only take his beatings, but his brother's beatings also... Whenever his mind or body could handle it. Jumping between his helpless little brother and the snarling beast that called itself their mother. She didn't seem to care who she punished.

His brother always scolded him after, telling him he should not have done it. That he could handle it. He was meaner than Sane, less prone to emotion. Sane had no doubt his brother could take the beatings and the mental whips. However if he could help it he would shield him from these experiences.

Sane was no stranger to poverty as a colt. They moved into in a trailer, with a strange stallion his mother had taken a liking to not long after his father had disappeared. You would think he would intervene during her abuse of her foals but he chose to sit and watch. Sane never spoke much to him, nor he to Sane. There was nothing to be said.

There were two rooms to the trailer. The room his mother and the Stallion inhabited, and a much smaller room that had been turned into a closet for all of the stuff his mother refused to trash. So Sane and his brother ended up sleeping in the living room. His brother and the couch and he on the floor with nothing but a pillow and a thin blanket. The walls were thin and half of the windows would not open. No air or heat, and no insulation. Summers the trailer was an oven and Winters like a freezer.

There was no actual flooring in the living room. Just the plywood that had been laid down during its initial construction. If you opened the cabinets under the sink of the bathroom you could see the earth below. More than once animals had crawled through the opening.

The place was infested with roaches, and spiders alike. Sane was disgusted by the roach infestation but feared the spiders. They lined the seams of the house, casting their webs to and fro. For somepony who would not know any better they would think them to be Nightmare Night decorations.

Mold grew in every crevice of the kitchen, bathroom and window sills. The place actually stunk of it. Even as a colt he had wondered how they were able to survive in these conditions.

When Sane was twelve his mother had forced him to work. He couldn't actually get a job but he could cut grass. Now Sane never thought this would be a problem... How many ponies wanted a young colt cutting there grass? Well when your mother sends you at sunrise to go door to door in every neighborhood of a city and you can't be home till sunset it turns out there is a lot. So he pushed the lawn mower day in and day out. A small less than ideal machine that made the task so much worse. He often wished for it to break down but it never did.

All the bits he collected went straight to his mother, which went straight to bills such as the trailer rent, water, electricity, food and a variety of other necessities. It was peculiar to Sane how the Stallion never had enough money to pay for anything himself despite his steady construction job and the low cost of living.

To make matters worse his mother bore the child of the Stallion. A filly. A blessing to some, another curse to Sane. His mother would not care for her while she had him or his brother around.

His mother was crueler still. She would not cook for him or his brother, at times even the filly, and what young colt whom had never been taught to cook be able to provide for himself, his brother and sister? They ate out of a microwave, not the one mentioned before but another.

Often times Sane went without eating, saving food for his brother and little sister. They needed it more than he. His brother would often tell him he was full, so that Sane would eat. Sane shot him a warning glance every time that told him to eat. Sane ate only when was necessary or his siblings had had their fill.

On top of the rules, the beatings, forced labor, starvation and so forth, Sane was expected to maintain at least a B average in school. This was one manner in which he had little difficulty succeeding. Grades were not the problem. Everypony knew who he was thanks to the lawn care he provided across the city.

The other colts and foals were merciless. Picking on him from the poorly groomed state of his fur and wings to the fact they could see his ribs through his fur and skin. He had almost no friends. The teachers knew, they had to have known something was wrong. They asked over and over but again Sane lied over and over. He was too afraid of his mother not to. They eventually gave up out of frustration. There was nothing they could do  unless he wanted them to.

One night Sane remembered in particular was one were he had thought he had finally broke. Fourteen at the time. He had locked himself in the closet he was supposed to be sharing as a room with his brother and took an old buck knife he'd been given by one of his customers. He had hid it in his saddle bags when coming back from work so his mother would not take it.

He sat there, knife in hoof... Holding it to his stomach. Crying, willing the knife forward, to spill his blood and end the pain. He sat there and cried. Cried and sobbed until he passed out from exhaustion. He woke the next morning disappointed. Disappointed he had survived the night. Though the experience was not one he cared to relive.

Things continued this way for three more years. Then one night he finally snapped. He'd followed all the rules that day. It was Friday, so it was not a school night. He'd spent the remainder of his day working after school. Had taken care of the filly to the extent of his knowledge. He asked to go to a friends house. One of his few friends for just a few hours. She had told him no.

The word was one he had heard before. This time however it pierced his skull. Drilled it's way into the back of his mind. He snapped. With a string of curses he ran away, taking only the time to apologize to his brother and tell him he would find a way to get him out of here soon enough. He hated to admit it but he had no real emotional ties with the filly. She was too young to remember him leaving anyway.

His brother offered no resistance, actually urging him to go. Sane took refuge at his friends until he was able to track down his father via phone whom he hadn't heard from in years. Not to his fathers fault he realized soon after. His mother had actually burnt any means of communication between him and his father.

His father was speechless when he heard of the horror. He knew she was bad but he never had imagined. He spent a good majority of the conversation apologizing to no end. Sane told him he forgave him but he never really did. Though he still loved him. His father lived miles upon miles away. However it tuned out Sane's grandparents lived not far away at all. His father got a hold of them and instructed them to pick him up until he could find his way to his father's house by bus three days later.

His only regret was leaving his brother behind. Though he was true to his word. Three weeks later his brother joined him in their new home with their father who proved to be a thousand times better than the witch they once called their mother.

For the last three years of his colthood he lived a reasonably average life despite the disorder that plagued his mind. At the age of eighteen he moved away, taking a job as a local guard for Ponyville where he currently resided. Most of that time was spent escorting troublesome foals to their parents or chasing off petty thieves. It was a quiet town for the most part.

He kept contact but barely with his family. He hated to admit it but he had become desensitized to the entire aspect of family. He loved them yes, but not the same as an average colt would love their family. Perhaps because he felt betrayed by the lot of them.

Even his brother had turned a cold shoulder to him once Sane had fulfilled his promise. Now that he no longer needed the shield his brother paid Sane no more mind than he would any other pony. He was cold that way, filled with hate and too smart for his own good. Sane was hurt, but it did not take long for him to all but forget his brother as well. When they spoke they spoke more like acquaintances than brothers.

Now nothing from his past affected him consciously at all. He didn't even remember it unless there was some sort of reference there. It was his subconscious he worried about. The part that seemed to make the decisions about what was good and what was bad in his mind. He honestly did not think his past had anything to do with it but he was not going to be so foolish as to say he was sure of it. Besides genetics it was the best theory he had. Unfortunately his problem grew worse with time.

For now he focused on coping with his problem. Which was another reason he had chosen to get away this morning. He was headed for the lake of the Everfree Forest where he would sit and play his flute. He had found it.

He took his time finding a particularly soft patch of grass close to the water, pulled his flute from his saddle bags that he sat beside him and began to play. He started with a tune he knew roughly to be named as, Lost Woods. A particularly happy tune despite the name. He liked to think it had something to do with enthusiastic adventurers who got lost in the woods and loved every minute of it.

Rainbow Dash soared through the sky at a fast yet leisurely pace for herself, making a game out of dodging the clouds that seemed to race toward her. Nothing to difficult but the exercise was nice. However she had gotten to use to focusing on the clouds and when there were no more she found herself staring straight into the sun.

She yelped, and stopped in mid air. She moved her wings only to keep herself suspended while she rubbed her eyes as she turned away from the sun. When Rainbow opened them she had to blink a few times to get the colors out of her eyes. “Geez.”

Then something caught her ear, a sound native to the forest she hovered above. She was sure she was a couple of miles out of town yet she thought she heard music. Her ears turned as she tried to isolate the source of the sound. Definitely coming from the forest.

With curiosity fueling her she dove down through the tree tops and landed on the forest floor below. She was close. Rainbow picked her way through the tree's and stopped as she spotted the Pegasus on the lake shore. She was to his back but she was sure he was the source. The stallion boobed his head with the tune and seemed to be holding something to his muzzle.

Now that her curiosity was quelled she took the time to actually listen to the sound. He was certainly no professional musician but was still pretty good. However Rainbow wondered why there was a stallion playing a flute in the middle of the forest. Of course he could just be somepony who likes the forest and likes the flute but she was not satisfied with this answer.

Whatever he was playing he certainly seemed drawn into it. Rainbow hadn't made much of an attempt to remain undetected and she was but fifteen hooves from him now. She waited until he seemed to be nearing the end of his little tune at which point she was startled by the sudden spring of his wings and the laughter that followed the last note he played.

“What's up?” Rainbow asked as she revealed her presence.

All in one motion Sane dropped his flute, retracted his wings, and spun to face his unexpected guest with shock on his muzzle. He'd seen this mare before and everypony knew who she was but the fact had yet to register itself in his mind. “H-how long were you standing there?” He sputtered.

Rainbow took a couple of steps back with caution. “Woah woah, calm down a second.” Rainbow replied. “I'm not here  to hurt you.”

Sane took a second to breath, having been startled seeing as this was one of the last places he expected to run into anypony. Slowly he relaxed his posture, taking a deep breath before sitting back in his spot. “Sorry.” Already he felt the anxiety kicking in. The only thing on his mind was whether or not the cyan mare had registered him as a threat with his little stunt just then.

“Hey, don't even worry about it.” Rainbow replied, regaining her lost ground. “I was here for about a minute. I was flying, heard your music and investigated.” The whole while she explained herself Rainbow studied him. She'd seen him before, but couldn't recall his name. She wasn't even sure if she knew it seeing as she had difficulty recalling a time they had ever had an encounter before.

“Sorry...” Sane repeated, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks. “Rainbow Dash, right?”

“The one and only!” She was pleased the stranger knew her by name, bringing one forehoof to her chest in pride. “I'm sure I've seen you before... I don't remember your name though.” Rainbow stated, replacing her hoof to the ground.

“I'm one of the local guards in Ponyville.” He shrugged. “You don't remember my name because you never knew it.”

Once he had jogged her memory she did remember seeing him before, but only in his armor, which was probably the reason she had trouble placing him. “Well... What is your name then?”

“I'm... I'm Sane.” No harm in telling her his name.

“Well heya Sane.” Rainbow took a couple of steps toward him but stopped when she saw him tense up. “Something wrong?”

“Wasn't expecting to run into anypony out here is all.” He admitted.

“That... That doesn't explain why you are so tense.”  Rainbow couldn't help but imagine the reasons why he would be so. Was he on drugs? Or maybe it was a guard thing. Maybe he didn't like her. He'd already proven he knew her but said nothing more.

“You startled me.” He shrugged. However he didn't know how much longer he could play that off. His breathing had quickened a bit and his ears were twitching with anxiety. She noticed, he could tell by the look of concern and confusion on her face.

“Are you alright?”

“F-fine.” He replied. He couldn't help but to think this conversation would be a whole lot easier if he hadn't spazzed out when she had shown up. Who wouldn't be startled though? It was only natural to be jumpy when you think you're alone and somepony appears to show up out of thin air. However his mind was not concerned with why but what. Right now that what was whatever he imagined Rainbow was thinking about him  at that moment.

“You're not fine.” Rainbow challenged. Her curiosity had evolved into concern. Half because he looked so afraid and half because he was one of the guards in Ponyville.

Now Sane had noticeably shifted his hooves, taking his tail in them and holding it tightly. “I promise you I'm fine.” He said quickly... Too quickly, avoiding eye contact.

Rainbow was not about to accept this as an answer but decided having a full blown debate wasn't going to get him to tell her anything. “Mine if I sit with you a while to make sure. If I leave I'll be worried.” She didn't know him but she wouldn't be able to fly with a clear conscious if she suspected the pony she left in the woods was in some kind of trouble.

Yes I do mind. “No, you can stay if you want to.” He replied although he wished she would just go away. What little he did know about her made him believe she was twenty percent ego.

Rainbow studied him indirectly as she made her way to his side, taking a seat beside him. She figured he couldn't be much older than she herself. Maybe even younger.

Lets try and change the topic “You're pretty good with that thing.” Rainbow gestured toward the flute that lay at his side.

Sane gave it a glance, removed one of his forehooves from his tail and picked the instrument back up. “Thanks.” He muttered. Again he knew his nervous tics were doing nothing but making the situation more awkward. Being stuck in the situation gave him time to think however and he relaxed just a bit but was still unable to look her in the eye. “I don't know too many songs though.”

“Coulda fooled me.” Rainbow smiled, hoping flattery would coax him into giving her some kind of explanation. It wasn't all flattery though. He was good with it. She thought she saw a ghost of a smile cross his muzzle but she couldn't be sure.

As of now Sane couldn't see much sign of nervousness in her posture and that helped relieve his mind. “I just recently picked it back up a few months ago.”

“Even better.” She stopped to think for a second. “What do you mean by back up?”

“I played as a young colt.”

“Why did you stop?” Rainbow tilted her head slightly with false interest.

“I don't want to talk about it.” He placed the flute back down and recaptured his tail, playing with it nervously.

Now Rainbow really was interested but she kept it to herself in favor of a more pressing matter. “What are you doing out her all alone?”

“It's quiet.” This wasn't a lie but it also wasn't the reason. She hadn't even known his name and now she was asking questions he didn't wish to give answers to.

“You don't have to go this far in the forest for quiet. Ponyville is quiet as it is anyway.”

For a moment he considered asking her to leave, or taking off himself. He didn't think she would bother chasing him. Though his mind wouldn't cooperate. Some part of him wanted to explain everything to this mare. She was known as the element of loyalty if there was such a thing. Couldn't do too much harm.

Might do him well to vent for a minute anyway. “I like to be alone.”

“All the time?”

“Most of the time.”

“Why?”

There was a question he could answer but really did not want to. However that would defeat the purpose of venting. He chose his words carefully. “I don't hate anypony... but I'm not really friends with anypony either.

It took a moment to register what she had heard. “Well... Why not?” She had a pretty good idea from what she had seen so far.

“I... I don't really know myself. I just don't get along well with others I guess.” He sighed.

“You fight a lot?”

“No no nothing like that.” He answered quickly, scolding himself for giving that impression. Then he caught himself. Don't start. “I-I just... It's hard to explain.” He waited for her to do something, say something, maybe even leave but she just sat there. “I-I guess I just tend to mess stuff up.”

“Like what?” Rainbow flicked her tail from one side to the other as she studied the Stallion's hard to read features. Something is definitely wrong. Soon it became apparent he was becoming nervous... Of what though? “Sane, what are you scared of?” The question was blunt but not delivered with malice.

Sane shuffled nervously from side to side, trying very hard not to lose his cool. It was one thing having a conversation with somepony where he might dismiss himself or just freeze up. However this mare was asking questions about the problem itself. She had already stated she wasn't going to leave him here... Would she stop him from leaving though? The option of fleeing seemed real at this point... Where he could go and lock himself in his room and curl up in bed.

Rainbow noticed him glancing off to the side in the direction of the rough path that led to the lake every few seconds or so. She wanted to calm him down, reach out and take his hoof or something, but she didn't dare make a move toward somepony so unstable. She knew she had inadvertently caused this, and that leaving him be might be best... Her conscious wouldn't allow it. She wanted to help.

“Hey, Sane... Look at me. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm not going to try. Just take a deep breath for me and tell me what's wrong.” She suddenly wished Fluttershy was here. She was good with nervous animals, and while Sane wasn't an animal, he was certainly nervous.

She's right Sane... Deep breaths. She's not going to hurt you, probably couldn't if she wanted to. Sane told himself. You're being a little colt right now... Just tell her!

To Rainbow's relief he took a deep breath and sighed. “Good, now... Can you please tell me what's going on? I want to help.”

“I-It's stupid.” He replied.

“I don't care how stupid it is. If its messing with you I want to know.”

“It's complicated.” Sane tried another dodge. No good.

“Dumb it down for me then.” She pursued.

Sane tried for another excuse but couldn't think of one in his state. “I-If I tell you-”

“I'm not going to tell anypony and I'm not going to laugh.” She cut him off, hoping to reassure him.

Sane gave a curt nod before finally making eye contact with her magenta colored orbs. As far as he could tell her concern was sincere. He hugged his own tail in his forelegs before talking. “I have a problem with thinking ponies are judging me. Thinking I'm an idiot or something. Thinking I'm something I'm not. Does that make since?”

Rainbow was both impressed and worried with how quickly his demeanor could change. He wasn't wrong in her case... She had been judging him, but with no hostile intentions. “So you care what other ponies think.” It was more a statement than a question.

“Y-yeah, kinda. I don't mean to but I can't-”

“Can't help it?”

“Exactly. How-”

“I get it, that's how. You know me by reputation right? How do you think I feel when other ponies think I failed at something?” She smiled with victory when Sane didn't correct her. The victory was short lived.

“It's not only that.” He found talking a little easier with his realization that she may actually understand something about what he felt.

“What else is there?” She wasn't exactly surprised there was more to it. She never saw anypony act quite like this. Though she was able to relax now that he looked a little calmer himself.

“I-I'ts a long story.”

“Do you have somewhere to be?”

“No.”

“Well... Neither do I.”

Sane let his tail fall out of his hooves as he looked to the ground. “Do you really want to know?” He'd explained it a hundred times to his psychiatrist and gave a brief explanation to put his guard commander at ease. What would be wrong with telling her?

“Yes.” She replied firmly.

“O-okay.” He took a deep breath before starting. His explanation started out rough, having trouble putting his past into words and all. He started at the beginning, trying his best to keep the events in order by their time development. After a few minutes of repeating some things and stuttering on others he was finally able to just spit it all out. The longer he talked , the easier it got.

He told her about his father, and how he left. About his mother, and how horrible a mare she was. About the abuse and beatings he received for himself and his brother. During the part where he explained how she beat him down, starved him and worked him like a slave Rainbow looked legitimately shocked maybe even angry, but she never spoke up. The suicide incident had her worried. When he got to his mother's special rules and the punishments that followed she looked confused and horrified, as any pony would be who didn't deal with it first hoof.

After he summarized the five year stint he had with his mother in about ten minutes he proceeded to tell her what it was like for him in society. How he viewed everything in black and white without meaning to. How he always thought somepony was judging him. At this point she looked sympathetic but still she sat and listened instead of talking.

How he froze up talking to anypony, even ones he knew from time to time and how he made it worse when he tried to fix it. Sane explained that that was one reason he kept to himself.

He told her how he was desensitized to his family and the reason why. Again more sympathy which made him wonder but he stuck to telling his story. He was relieved to see that she didn't look impatient or upset... Well, upset with the story, not himself.

He left the part out where he still cut himself, seeing as if word got our he might lose his job as a guard. That wasn't the main point anyway.

She stayed silent for over a minute after he finished his story. “Wow... I'm sorry you went through that as a colt.” She managed.

Sane waived a dismissive hoof. “Don't be. It doesn't bother me anymore, or at least as far as I can tell.”

“Can I ask questions?” Rainbow was confused about a few things she wanted to clear up.

This was something that Sane registered as good. If somepony, specifically Rainbow in this case, wanted to ask questions then that made him think they were generally interested which made him smile. “I encourage it.”

“Okay...” Rainbow looked down to the ground as she decided what to address first. “If... If you freeze up talking to other ponies sometimes, especially in awkward situations how are you a guard? It's gotta be awkward accusing ponies of crimes or running them off and stuff like that.”

“Well... The job ultimately has a goal. The goal is usually what is on my mind when I am doing anything like that. Besides... A lot of the ponies I deal with while on duty aren't exactly the kind I want to like me. So I don't care if they think something I said is dumb or anything of the sort.” The question was a valid one to him.

“That makes since... I think. Your father... If he knew about your mother, then why did he-”

“I don't know.” Sane shook his head sadly. “I know he knew... He left anyway... He claimed he had other problems he didn't want to drag my brother and I into. I can't imagine what would have been worse than her though.” While his past with his mother did not bother him... The idea that his father had left him there did. It made him feel like he was just given up on.

“I'm sorry... That was probably a little too personal.” Rainbow felt bad for making him re-live everything. She wouldn't have prodded if she knew before hoof.

“No... No it helps to talk about it sometimes.” Sane admitted.

“You don't mind if I-”

“Ask away... You already know too much.” He forced a smile as he looked back up into her eyes. However he realized how his statement had come off when Rainbow shook her head. Damnit. He scolded himself. Think before you speak dumbass.

“If I know too much then wouldn't it be better if I leave it alone?”

“No... No I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you knew a lot now anyway, there wouldn't be any harm in you knowing anything else.”

“You're sure?”

“Yes.”

“Alright... I don't understand your brother as you explained him. Why would he just cut ties with you?”

“I haven't put too much thought into it. I guess he might see me as the last pony that reminds him of his terrible life before we got away. Though... He might just be a cold pony. I don't know and I don't care.” There was a hint of anger in his voice.

“You feel like he abandoned you?” Rainbow asked.

“I did so much for him. So much... I was there for him when nopony else was, not his mother, his father, his friends... Just me. Now that he no longer needs me I am just another pony on the back burner of his life.” He struggled to calm himself, having just noticed he was becoming exceedingly upset. Enough so that the look of caution returned to the cyan mare's eyes. Though she didn't shy away.

“As the element of loyalty... I think I get it. I'd be devastated if one of my friends just up and started to ignore me for no reason one day. Especially after all we have been through together. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it though.” She added the last part quickly, not wanting to feed his negative emotions.

Sane let out a deep breath. “I'm sure he doesn't” He agreed. “Even still... Just one more pony that has pretty much abandoned me. I... I just don't feel like I can trust anypony anymore.” He admitted, his eyes beginning to burn from the tears that welled up inside. He looked away, fully aware she was still watching him... He didn't care. Not a moment later the tears began to fall to the ground between his forelegs.

Rainbow's heart wrenched at the sight. Maybe that's why he was so awkward, and cared too much about what other ponies thought. He was afraid if he got too close to them and he somehow disappointed, angered, or upset them that they would just hurt or abandon him. That would explain desensitization as well. No pony ever stood by his side, and without knowing it he had only made it worse. She took into consideration that she may be wrong however. Either way... He needed a friend.

She smiled warmly with compassion before placing a forehoof on his shoulder. “You can trust me. I'm not going to judge you and I don't care what other ponies think of you. Their opinions are meaningless to me as they should be to you.”

The words mixed with the confidence in which they were spoken enticed him to look back up at her. Rainbow thought she saw the faintest ghost of a smile. “I-I'ts not that simple... I told you how I think, even when I don't mean to.”

Despite his words she could hear the hope in his voice. She removed her hoof from his shoulder and gently wiped a tear from his cheek. “I don't care... I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to show you just how loyal I can be.”

Sane hated himself for it, but he decided to give her a chance... The worst that could happen would be she abandoned him. He replied with a smile. “Do you really mean it?”

She placed her hoof back to the ground and mirrored his expression. “I promise.”