Snips and Snails Excellent Adventure

by thewaffler

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Snips, Original Character, Snails, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 8927

It's a loose parody of the classic time traveling comedy only this time staring Snips and Snails.

It's been years since we last left Ponyville and two immature colts named Snips and Snails had grown up to become even lazier immature young stallions. You'd never believe that they were destined to bring upon peace everlasting through the shear power of rock and roll and light medication. This is their story. The story of two best friends, time travel, drugs, rock and roll and a quest to save the future.

Authors note:
I plan on not following the movie 100 % More like 60%
I plan on introducing older versions of characters like the CMCÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½s, Peppermint Twist, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon and Pipsqueak as the school jock and of course the mane six.
There are OC's that only serve as historical figures like star swirl the bearded, parents, students and teachers.
I will also be mixing bits and pieces of other shows and movies as I see fit.
comments are appreciated and this is my first story so be harsh.
I hope if this goes over well, so I can make more movie and television parodies.

Published 2011-11-02 23:30:23 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-29 19:46:22 UTC

Late for School

It had been many years and what were once two goofy foals have grown up into two hard working teenage stallions. Scratch that last part, what I mean is to say is had grown up to be two lazy stallions with temperaments that hadn’t changed all that much in the ensuing transition into the early stages of adulthood. Yes, still goofy albeit with the stench of bong resin and salty snacks. The sad part is that these two numbskulls who had been friends since before they could even read were destined to bring everlasting peace to the world in the near future. It’s rather funny when you think about it. Who would have guessed that what seemed to be two lazy stoners, whose latest conundrum was a debate on who you would fight if you could fight anyone in history? Yes, they were that baked and here they were the saviors of the world. Oh, Celestia have pity on me.

Where do I fit into story, I know you’re dying to know. Well, my job has many responsibilities, but if you’re into titles for the sake of brevity, then you could say I’m a guardian and it’s my job to protect these two and make sure that the utopia that is tomorrow exist. Yes, I come off cynical, but keep in mind in another dimension, this story is fiction and I’m portrayed by a raunchy standup comedian George Carlin. Well…I think I’ve given enough exposition to start you off and now to our story.

It was 9:15am in the suburbs of Ponyville and slumped over in bed was a tall gangly teenage unicorn stallion who had a mustard yellow coat with a teal mane, who would have been up about a hour ago had instead of hitting the snooze button had decided a better option was to take said alarm clock and throw against the hard wood floor of his disheveled bedroom. A room so filthy that roaches wouldn’t even be dignified living in it and that was an accomplishment in and of itself.

Standing outside staring up at the open window of the second floor of the house was a shorter and slightly portlier unicorn with a blue coat and dark orange mane.

“Snails, get down here. We’re late for class for the twelfth or was it thirteenth time this month,” yelled the blue unicorn at the window.

“Immanaaah,” mumbled Snails incoherently as he was still half asleep climbing under back under sheets.

“Dude, we got that history test in second class today,” exclaimed the blue unicorn.

“Oh, crap, crap, crap” yelled Snails as he jumped out of bed, getting his right back leg caught in the comforter laying on the floor, and slamming head first into the adjacent dresser while rushing to get ready.

Listening to the calamity from above and not noticing the opening of lower window on the first floor then a green coated and thirty something year old earth pony mare spoke.

“Snips it's great to see you, won’t you come in for a bite while you wait for Snails.”

“Uh…I guess I could ma’am,” said Snips hesitantly.

See ever since Snips had grown up Snails mom kept looking at him funny and it made him rather uncomfortable to be alone in the same room as her, she was barely old enough to be his own mother mostly due to fact that Snails parents had to get married early into high school as Snails had once put ever so delicately. It didn’t help that their marriage had been on the brink of collapse for years and his dad was never around as he was a member of the Royale Guard.

In the kitchen of the house Snips had pulled up a chair in the breakfast nook still waiting for his partner in crime to get ready and hearing the occasional curse, yell and bang from the floor above. Snails’ mom brought over a bowl of Crazy Quaker brand oatmeal and sitting on the oats were apple slices placed in the shape of a heart in the center. Snips gulped and took a breath.

“Th…thanks for the breakfast mm…ma’am.”

“You’re welcome and please call me Mint,” she said softly
.

“Um okay Mrs. Mint.”

“I’ve been sooo lonely,” Mint whispered in Snips’ ear as she placed a hoof on his shoulder causing him to jump banging his knees against the table.

Just then Snails walked into the room and seeing as this was his chance to break free Snips got up from the table not even touching his food threw his pack on his back and grabbed Snails by the back of his mane ran out the door, confusing the buck out of Snails.

“But Snips I’m hungry, couldn’t we have had something to eat before bolting out the door.”

“I needed, err we needed to get the buck out of there. I’ll explain later. We’ll find an apple cart on the way to school.”

About ten minutes later they almost at their destination after procuring some fruit from a Sweet Apple Acres apple cart and paying a still slightly disgruntled AppleJack. She was still pissed off at the two for sneaking some hash into the cake mix of Granny Smith’s birthday cake. They had though it was going to be a welcomed and harmless prank, but little did they know that it had been laced with LSD by the dubious dealer. They surely didn’t expect to be seeing Granny Smith tripping out, climbing to the top of the roof of the barn and singing a medley of ABBA and ZZ Clop songs. It’s a good thing nopony got hurt.*end flashback*

“…then I’m like, yeah the pony from history I’d like to fight is Gandhi,” said Snips in a mixture of sarcasm and triumph.

“Ha Ha, my goddesses you are so funny,” said Snails as he wiped a tear from his eyes from laughing so hard. “Buddy you wanna talk about why we ran out of my house so fast,” still stifling laughter.

“Dude, your mom needs to stop hitting on me, it’s really creepy. Not to mention I don’t feel like being gutted alive by your dad.”

“Come on dude, she’s just being friendly, just like with my swim coach, my dentist, the homeless colt who yells at squirrels and eats from our trash.”

“Uhhh Snails I hate to break it to you, but your mom is…kind of a predator and she’s collecting bones in more ways than one.”

“Huh”

“Never mind broseph, we’re here,” said Snips trying to drop the subject. “Good goddesses he’s slow, then again all the clover, beer and partying ain’t helping,” Snips briefly thought to himself.

They stood before the massive building which was still fairly new as five years prior students would have to be bused to out of town high schools in neighboring cities. It was now a quarter to ten and they were an astounding forty five minutes late, which was new record for them. But they had to be wary of the assistant principal and general hard flank, Strict-Land.

Next Time: Wild Stallions*air guitar*

Wyld Stallyns

The two had snuck out around outside to the biology department where they had a plan on getting into the school. They had been lucky so far, which for them wasn’t a good thing as that usually meant something bad would happen to balance it out, charma if you will.

The plan itself wasn’t very clever; it mainly consisted of Snails trying to get the attention of his marefriend Peppermint Twist, while the teacher’s back was turned. Once that was accomplished, phase two was to get her to open the door from the inside and thus letting them in and avoiding...

“Uhmm,” coughed Strict-Land.

The three looked behind themselves

“Damn,” said the idiot twins in unison. While Twist just glared at the two for making her an accomplice.

“Well, if it isn’t Snips and Snails making a new personal best and showing up an astounding fifty minutes late, but what’s this looks like we have new friend to join you two in detention. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I expect this kinda crap from these two slackers, but not from you Miss Twist,” said Strict-Land moving from tones of very heavy sarcasm to disappointment then to slight irritation and finally ending on mild disappointment. He then turned to the three and giving them slips of paper and walked away.

“Well not that I don’t enjoy spending time with you, but I need to get back to class or what’s left of it as it’ll be over in ten minutes,” said Twist to Snails as she starting walking back to class.

“Oh and remember you promised to meet my parents for dinner tomorrow night,” she said while walking down the hall back to class.

“Um…Yeah, I didn’t forget and I’ll see you then,” Snails yelled out nervously.

Meanwhile, Snips just stood here fiddling with his locker. “Come on you cheap piece of crap open up,” he muttered to himself.

Snails banged on it with his one his front hooves and it opened, slightly annoying Snips.

“What are you, Fonzy?”

“No, he’s teaching shop at the other end of the school.”

“It was rhetorical,” Snips said rubbing the bridge of his muzzle in slight irritation.

The bell rang for the end of first class and thus effectively ending this conversation that was going nowhere fast. They got to their world history class just as Professor Spike was handing out the test. Snips being normally cocky was now sweating bullets after glancing down at the questions below, which might as well be written in another language. At the same time Snails looked at his test and said, “screw it” under his breath and decided to just wing it, being mostly multiple choice he was bound to get something right even if it was by accident. Thing about Snails is contrary to popular belief wasn’t a total moron and the subject he excelled in was biology especially in the subject of gastropods. Whereas Snips was pretty good when came to applied mathematics. History on the other hand as the old saying goes, “Those who don’t learn from it, are doomed to repeat it.” Truer words haven’t been spoken in their case as it would seem.

After fifty-five minutes Spike collected the test and paid close attention at two tests in particular. The thing is after grading about thirty or so test from the previous class, he had basically memorized the answer key and noticed a great many things wrong them. The bell rang signaling the end of class.

“Okay, class remember your oral presentations on What Would Historical Figures Think of Modern Day Equestria is due this Friday and is worth forty percent of your grade. Oh, and Snips and Snails I’d like to see you after class immediately,” Spike called out to his class as they were leaving. The two unicorns hadn’t been fortunate enough to leave prior to Spike’s request for an after class conference.

First and foremost Snip and Snails had been good friends with Spike when they were little, but Spike was seven years older than them and was now twenty three years old. The two upon seeing as it was their old friend as their teacher had thought this class would be easy and that they would be given special treatment. Oh, how wrong they were. The situation was because he was a new teacher and wanted to be taken seriously by both the faculty and his students, Spike needed to be harsh with grades and even stricter with these two to keep anypony from suspecting favoritism.

“You probably know why you two are here.”

“Well, I’ll admit our grades aren’t the best, but…,”said Snips before being interrupted by the furious adult dragon who was clenching their test papers in his hand.

“…Joseph Stallion invaded Gallop during the Blitzkrieg Bop?!? That was a short answer pulled from your test Snips. Oh, here’s a gem from Snails’ test; Jolt Delorean invented the carriage and was arrested for drug trafficking. Still wrong, but at least the second half of it makes sense. Do you two have any idea where you rank in my class? Before you answer that question, I’ll let you know it was rhetorical. Let’s just say that oral presentation is your only hope of passing at all,” said Spike in a harsh tone.

“Come on cut us some slack,” said Snails.

“Trust me if I didn’t think of you two as my friends I couldn’t care less for two lazy stallions in class on the road to self-destruction, but because I care I’m extremely strict with the both of you. You aren’t like Pipsqueak, Diamond Tiara, or Silver Spoon whom will either get out by a hoofball scholarship or just being rich. I see potential in you guys, just very little drive. That’s all I have to say, I’ll write you a pass for third class and please remember what I said.”

The two left the classroom in a defeated mood.

“Anyway Snails, we’ll meet after school at your house for band practice.”

“Yeah, no wait actually we need to go your house my dad’s coming home today.”

They two went to their respect classes. The rest of the day seemed to speed up as there was no real incident and before they knew it school was over. After school they had one tiny errand to do as they met up with the massive hoofball quarterback ironically named Pipsqueak who for playing such an Equestrian sport spoke with a thick Trottingham accent. The only thing they actually hated about the stallion other than his cocky self righteous attitude was that he basically lucks out when it comes to any actual exams and school work because of his school status as Celestia’s gift to sports.

“Aye, blokes I can’t thank yea enough for spicing up that party at me house while my parents were out and as promised here’s the agreed sum,” he looks back and forth to make sure no one sees the sack full of bits he’s pulling out from his pack and tosses it to Snips, before darting off.

“Sweet, now we can go get that new amp for my guitar and some new strings,” exclaimed Snails.

“We wouldn’t need to get a new amp for you if you hadn’t stuck your hoof threw your old one.”

“But who suggested I play like a rock god?”

“I didn’t mean for you to smash everything like the bucking Who,” Snips said trying to make his point as they walked to Fender’s music shop. A store for whom the two were frequent customers and would go to when they needed the advice of the owner and proprietor a kindly old griffon named Dem Fender.

“Hey, guys what I can do for you today,” asked Mr. Fender quietly.

“Well we need a new guitar amp, a cheap one preferably and some guitar strings,” Snails whispered matching Mr. Fenders tone. “Oh and why are we whispering?”

Mr. Fender pulled a basket from behind the display case and placed it on the counter.

“Because I’m babysitting today as this little one’s mother is in Manehattan for a fashion exhibition and her father is going be staying late at work for a meeting,” Mr. Fender spoke softly as he revealed the odd looking sleeping infant whom had just started to bellow smoke rings in her sleep.

“err… anyway how much will that be” inquired Snips

“Normally your total would be sixty bits, but because I scared of what will happen if this child wakes up and because you two are regulars and are extremely accident prone. I’ll sell them to you guys for forty bits just to get you out of the store. However, the cost means you will have to take a refurbished amp.”

“Sold,” Snip said as he placed the bits on the counter and thus lowering funds received from earlier down to ten bits. Snails meanwhile grabbed the amp and guitar strings and headed out the door, but not before accidentally slamming it. In the background were the sounds of a panicking griffon who was two weeks away from retirement and the roar of fire from a very cranky baby dragocorn.

They proceed to walk back to Snails home to get his guitar from his room. Snips reluctantly decided to wait outside, which was probably the smartest thing he’d done all day. Little did he and Snails know that waiting inside was Snails’ dad Sergeant Mollusk who was on leave and very pissed. Luckily Snips was outside and avoided the impending shit storm. A few moments after Snails went inside the yelling commenced. The only pony anyone heard was the Sergeant.

“GODS DAMMIT SNAILS!”

“WHAT’S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU SLACKING OFF IN CLASS AGAIN AND FOR WHAT SOME CRUMBY LITTLE GARAGE BAND!?”

“DON’T KNOW YOU? I DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOU, ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS I THAT SUPPORT THIS FAMILY AND IT’S MY WAY AND THAT’S FINAL!”

“IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND START GETTING BETTER GRADES, I’M SHIPPING YOU OFF TO THE CANTERLOT MILITARY ACADEMY MYSELF!”

“WHAT? YEAH. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

Snails walked out of the house pretty steamed and without his guitar.

“Dude, you alright,” asked Snips in concerned voice.

“We’ll forget band practice and go back to my house, get some herb, hang out with my cousin Dinky and eat some frozen pizzas.”

“Forget him, bro and thanks but now I really want to get some practice in today,” said Snails with determination in his voice.

“But, I’ve only got one axe, I mean yeah there’s Dinky’s drum set, but you’ve admitted that you aren’t very good with those and I can’t think of too many other options.”

Snails glanced up saw that the window to his room was still open and got an idea. Using his unicorn magic felt around his room till, “I think I’ve…got it.” Snails levitated the instrument out of the window, but not without banging it into walls several times on the way out only to elicit a yell from the Sergeant.

“WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT , GODS DAMMIT?!”

The two galloped down the street and several minutes later were in front of Snips house or rather his aunt Ditzy Doo’s house seeing as he had been living there since he was nine following the off screen deaths of his parents in a tragic barbershop incident. They were greeted by Snips' over enthusiastic cousin Dinky who was running out of the small cottage towards them.

“Hey, guys, so are you two going to practice? Can I watch,” asked Dinky as she spotted Snails’ guitar case and Snips holding the bag with the new amp from Fender’s music shop.

“Alright you can chill with us, but only if you throw some frozen pizzas into the oven,” said Snips to his younger cousin to which she nodded.

About fifteen minutes later, Snips, Snails and Dinky were relaxing in the garage, well not so much a garage but more like an old tool shed with a couple of bean bag chairs, a water pipe, an old radio, and some band posters haphazardly thrown on the walls. Following their arrival the room was filled with smell of pizza, the aura of smoke and the sounds of three unicorns laughing while reminiscing about how each of their respective days had gone.

“…then he was like I don’t need to know you and I’m like forget you and we bolted not before really pissing him off,” said Snails giggling as he recounted the final moments before arriving at the shed.

“I think it’s time we got some practice in today,” said Snips trying to free himself from his bean bag prison. Snails agreed, but was also having trouble because like hammocks bean bag chairs are impossible to get out of without causing harm to one’s self. Meanwhile Dinky just sat there watching and laughing at the spectacle of two grown stallions trying to get enough leverage to free themselves. A few minute later they were finally free and began setting up. Snips got his guitar out and began tuning it as Snails was stringing his guitar and getting the new amp ready. Confident they were ready Snips let out a solid guitar riff, soon followed by Snails although his axe still needed minor tuning, they began to fill the room with the sound of somewhat random guitar tabs from various artists as neither of them knew what to play.

“PLAY FREEBIRD,” shouted Dinky in a slurred voice still slightly out of it from this afternoon’s activities.

The two looked out in front of them and they were no longer in a tiny shed outside Snips home with an audience consisting of one very high unicorn, but now they were in a packed arena with screaming fans as far as the eye could see with lights and giant speakers. They looked down at the crowd and grabbed their mics and shouted.

“It’s great to be back in Hoofston and WE’RE WILD STALLIONS” they screamed to crowd in unison.

Time Traveling Phone Booths

The two had begun their 80’s power metal mind trip as the crowd begged for more, the pyrotechnics blasted to the beat of a steady baseline and the stage lights moved around the crowd of thousands. It was a glorious spectacle and was only rivaled by Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Queen at Live Aid. However, switching back to reality the situation was quite different; during their shared delusion of grandeur they were in actuality incoherently shouting into their mics, strumming a cringe inducing hodgepodge selection of notes and not to mention Dinky had long since left the room roughly ten minutes into their performance which at this point was fifty minutes ago.

They only stopped when the power to the shed had been cut by Snips uncle Whooves whom had had just returned home with Ditzy from their trip to get his cousin Sparkles settled in her dorm at The University of Mareami. The reason for the power outage however was quite simple he needed some peace and quiet after the long trip. The two decided to leave their amazing and powerful day of practice behind and head into the house to put away their school bags and instruments.

“We should probably work on that presentation since its due in two days. I mean it’s not like we actually pumped much worked into it anyway and I think Spike’s gonna know if we BS’d our way through it,” said Snails as they walked back to the house.

Meanwhile, Snips aunt was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen and his uncle was sitting in a recliner reading the mail received during their absence. As they walked inside the brown earth pony nodded his head behind the letter he was reading as a signal of acknowledgment of the two colts and went back to the task at hoof. They proceeded to put their bags upstairs in Snips room as they were going back down the stairs Ditzy called out to them.

“Hey, Snails are you staying for dinner?”

“I think we’re going have to give you guys a rain check on the food, we kinda need to head to the library to get started on the presentation,” hollered Snips back to his aunt.

“Oh, okay if you two are still hungry when you get back just check inside the microwave,” said Ditzy as the two walked out the door.

The two spent the next three hours mulling over books at the library. Even though they spent so much time there today, little actually got accomplished and scattered on the table were several books ranging from powerful wizards and leaders, to ancient vampires to the heroes of the wild west.

“Need any help guys,” a recognizable voice called out from behind them. It was Twilight whom was still acting as the local librarian and with her was her new assistant Harry the Bear. Who needed a job after being let go from job as tour guide and spending six years at San Quentin for accidentally eating some of the tourists. Twilight was reluctant at first, but… since Spike had moved out she had desperately needed an assistant with fingers she had no other choice.

“This is tough. How are we supposed to know what a bunch of dead guys would think of the place? I mean it’s not like we can ask them,” said a very exhausted Snips.

“GRRRR RAHHHH AGHH ASCHH GWWW,” roared Harry and pointed to something across the room to which the others slightly panicked and back away before he stopped and let out a defeated groan.

The translation of what Harry was actually saying is as follows.

“Ello gents thars some new encyclopedias that just came in this morning, I hope that helps.”

They backed away slightly alarmed.

“This sucks I’ve already done my time. They told me it would be this way on the outside. Can’t anyone speak bear,” were Harry’s thoughts as the three reacted to his speech.

Now back to the plot.

“Sorry I couldn’t be of more help to you guys, but it’s getting late and I need to close up shop sort to speak,” said Twilight with a small smile as she was locking the book return slot and putting away the sign out logbook. As she walked them out the door she wished them good luck with their assignment.

“Well, it’s only seven dude, you wanna hit the Circle C and grab some nachos and a slushy.”

“Eh? Why not it’s like I’m in the mood to go home and get yelled at by my dad,” said Snails in a tone of slight apathy.

Within sixteen minutes they were at the familiar convenience store on the outskirts of town. The Circle C was essentially the first and last stop for anypony leaving or entering Ponnyville from Canterlot. It wasn’t special or anything, but its magic florescent lighting hummed 24/7, 365 days a year making it popular for anyone looking for a few groceries, lotto tickets or even a midnight snack. The only living thing in store at night was the manager and lone grave yard shift worker an earth pony named Sure Shot Stevens a very miserable middle aged Stallion who believe it or not was a highly decorated soldier in the Royale Guard before he was dishonorably discharged for giving the code red on Santiago. Add the fact that he spent seven years in prison for it, his wife leaving him and the effects of forcing himself to work every night without a day off and it would be safe to say he wasn’t all there.

Meanwhile, the two were getting their salty cheesy snacks and headache inducing ice drinks and went to the counter to pay for their supplies and stopped before listening to Sure Shot talking to himself.

“Why do they come to me to die,” Sure Shot said twitching his jaw slightly.

“Huh? Who,” said Snips frightfully confused.

“Wha…oh, it’s nothing, what can I do for you boys tonight,” he says shaking his head violently trying to regain his composure. He looks down at the nachos, slushies and Funyuns

.

“Will that be all? Your total is seven bits.”

With that purchase they had basically blown through the funds they had received earlier today. They had left the store and sat to eat their bounty on the sidewalk and were bathed in the glow of its lit up sign flickering as a bulb was about to burn out and the soft white light of the florescent fixtures from the inside of the Circle C.

“Bro let me tell you Sure Shot gets crazier every time we see him,” said Snips as he shook his head and started to gorge himself on the warm cheesy goodness.

“He’s not that bad,” said Snails as he looked back at Sure Shot in the store only to see him repeatedly slamming his head inside the microwave and flailing his front legs around.

“Oooohkay, you may have a point.”

“Anyway we only have a day to finish that report or we’ll flunk History and my dad will send me to the Canterlot Military Academy,” said Snails sounding very worried because he figured that he had the most to lose.

“We could…” Snips was saying as he was interrupted by a large roar and it seemed to be coming from an ominous looking cloud.

All of a sudden a large flash of light and smoke appeared before them and once it settled the rectangular shape before them was that of an old Phone Stable and the unclear shape of a pony on the inside. They blinked with their mouths ajar and turned to each other.

“Duuuude,” they said slowly in unison still reeling from the shock.

Still bellowing a wicked looking fog, the doors of the box opened up and the figure stepped out. It was an older looking unicorn with an ashy looking midnight blue coat and a graying blonde mane with a short white beard. He was wearing what looks to be a tan trench coat and sunglasses. Then he spoke.

“I know, what you’re thinking because I’ve been through this before and yes it does look like a crumby old phone stable and as for why I’m here let me say that the future solely depends on you two morons finishing that presentation and passing that class,” said the stranger in a single breath that would even make Pinkie envious.

“Huh? Wha,” said the two dumbfounded trying to process the information given to them; meanwhile the mystery stallion rolled his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his snout.

“Okay, let me give you guys the skinny. My name is Rufus. The phone stable over there is a time machine and I’m a guardian of time and as well as the peaceful utopia of tomorrow. You see time is actually inconsistent and deteriorates eventually and it’s up to Time guardians like me to mend the tears in the fabric of time. Thanks to you guys I’m also apparently a giver of exposition.”

“Yeah, well let’s say we actually believe you and that you aren’t a shared delusion gained from smoking a bag of bad clover then what does this have to do with us,” said Snips in a mix of sarcasm and confusion.

*heavy sigh* “I told you it’s to save the future. Oh, you want me to elaborate? Your band Wild Stallions and its music are responsible for bringing peace to the world in way you can never truly comprehend. Still don’t believe the time traveling part,” asked Rufus before looking at his watch and started to count down. “7…6...5…”

“What are you doing dude,” asked Snails hesitantly.

“…2…1,” Rufus said as another phone stable seemed to materialize up from the ground. As the smoke cleared the door opened and out popped another pair of Snips and Snails.

“Whoa,” the two said as they saw themselves appear from the clear box. They look at their doppelgangers with amazement and hesitation.

“Yes, what Rufus said is true and that is one radical future,” said the other Snips.

“If you’re really us, then how many hooves do I have behind my back,” said Snails.

“One,” said the other Snips and Snails in unison.

“Whoa, Awesome,” screamed our Snips and Snails before strumming air guitar.

“Ahem, guys,” said Rufus impatiently as the four looked at him.

“This phone stable can take you to any historical figure listed in this phone book and you can get their by riding the circuits of time.”

Our Snips and Snails are about to get inside the clear box and their counterpart waved to them, but just before they get inside the other Snails calls out.

“Dude, don’t forget to set your watch for 12:30pm!”

Rufus turns to them and says, “be careful the future depends on you guys and remember to party on dudes.”He then leaves in the flash of light after saying something about visiting his grandma while in this time period. The two just shrug their shoulders.

They get inside the machine, open the book and make their first decision based on the tried and true method of picking a page and name at random. The name Snips hoof lands on is William McWalrus, the walrus that united the other sea mammals and freed them from the tyranny of the seals.

The First Historical Guest: A Violent Warrior King

A/N: This chapter has excessive gore in relation to a battle scene, that is all.

*Dr. who theme starts playing* The phone stable materializes down into the ground as if it were an elevator, meanwhile the two friends closed their eyes tightly and were screaming in a fashion not too dissimilar from two five year old fillies. As several seconds passed they managed to open their eyes and what they saw was a kaleidoscope of colors and sound as they passed through the time vertex.

The only phrase either of them could utter was a simple, “Whoa!”

All of a sudden the machine materialized up from the ground behind a tree as if the phone stable knew to hide somewhere inconspicuous. The two got out and observed their surroundings.

“Dude what’s that smell? It smells like rotten fish and salt water,” said Snails in disgust.

“Well, it did say we chose William McWalrus and he was the guy that united the other sea mammals to defeat the Seals, so as for the smell I think it’s low tide.”

They then heard the sound of yelling, chanting, and finally the sound of swords and shields impacting together. They proceeded hesitantly over the hill they were situated near to observe the massive battle taking place in a rather large muddy inlet. In the middle was a gigantic Walrus sporting a plaid kilt and chainmail tunic while wearing blue war paint and mane of grimy brown locks. The creature then let out a massive hearty battle cry.

“They can take our lives but they can never take, OUR FREEDOM!!!”

They both lay on the top of the hill downwind of the battle in shock as they watched this massive creature cleave a broad sword into the skull of a lightly armored seal infantry soldier. They saw the fluid motions as this Walrus juggernaut dredged warm vicious grey matter from his weapon and proceed to bash his wooden shield into the jaw of another one of his foes followed by him taking a hand axe from his waist and ramming it into the blubbery chest cavity of a wounded seal who begged for mercy that would…NOT COME as the poor creature wrenched blood from his oral cavity. The two buddies watched his scene in horror, but could look away as if some unknown force glued their eyes to the gory scene. This battle was not entirely one sided as what the seals lacked in valor, they made up for in pure numbers. McWalrus tripped getting caught in the flippers of a dying foe and fell backwards. All seemed lost as a seal heavy arms soldier trudged towards him and McWalrus without a weapon thought back to his dead family and that losing this battle ruin everything he fought to accomplish; he bit his lower lip and using a combination of the ground and his front flippers as leverage ripped out his right tusk with a massive scream and a fair amount of blood and jammed it into the exposed jugular of his charging enemy.

The battle lasted till nightfall and the victor had been named in the final few hours of dusk. A tattered and proud Walrus United flag hung in the now shallow water mixed with bodies and blood from both sided as the tide had finally come in. They two friends to say the least were shaken up by what they had witnesses, but relaxed that was until they felt spear tips poking them.

“Yea two up! Spies are to be dawn and quartered once our leader has passed judgment on yea,” snarled a very angry and armed to the teeth sea otter guard.

“But we haven’t done anything broseph,” said Snails trying to charm their way out of trouble.

“Exactly, that how spies work, they need not do anything they just need to find weaknesses in our defenses. Why am ay explaining this to the likes of yea? McWalrus will decide if you’re innocent or not.”

'Oh, great we’re doomed, that monstrous barbarian I doubt will listen to reason after all that blood rage,' Snips thought to himself.

The two were walked into camp by their spear welding chaperone. They were greeted by a mixture of sights, smells and sounds. Their eyes were drawn to a massive eight foot bond fire, but instead of logs they we’re using the corpses of their defeated foes which to say the least made the two gag in disgust. The smells of death, cooking fish and burly soldiers filled the air and sounds of males screaming from receiving medical care, laughter as the tales of the day’s battle was shared, the sound of an accordion playing to a long lost melody and the grunts of soldiers showing off their machismo comprised the music for the scene. They were brought before the hulking mono-tusked warrior king.

“My liege I have found these spies on Briar’s Hill outside the camp,” the sea otter bowed before his king.

“Cidrick I think these creatures are not spies,” McWalrus chuckled a deep laugh, which shocked the two ponies after seeing him cause so much mutilation and death this afternoon and now seeing the same being acting in such a polar opposite manner was the least to say a bit jarring.

“My Lord forgive me for saying so, but how can yea be so sure?”

“Well, commander for one these creatures are from Equestria and are ponies which given their herbivore nature are prone to pacifism. Second if they meant us harm they could’ve used magic being as they’re unicorns. Last just look at these beings they wreak of fear and their bodies look lacking in any combat experience,” McWalrus pointed at our protagonist and laughed deeply again, for once Snips and Snails were glad to be insulted for being wimps. The king then dismissed his commander and looked at the two unicorns and spoke.

“What brings thou to my lands if I may inquire?”

“Ummm…sir we are um scholars from a distant future and simply request your assistance in providing your insight about the future we have achieved,” said Snips whose mind was on the verge of catching fire due to partial B.S. overload. Meanwhile, Snails still terrified from today's events simply nodded in response.

“So, yea lads are from the future and just want aye to give me opinion on it,” said McWarus in a skeptical tone.

“Yes, King dude,” Snips said in response.

“Well, aye see nothing wrong with your quest and aye find something noble in it, so aye will go wit yea.”

“Excellent,” said the two in unison and strummed air guitar.

“Huh,” replied a very confused walrus warrior king.

“That was, err nothing it’s just a thing we do,” remarked Snails.

“This way to the time machine,” the two chimed in.

Upon arriving at the familiar clear box and explaining things to very bewildered sea mammal, decided that they could use some more history beings.

“Mr. McWalrus we need to make a few more detours to pick up more guest to observe our time,” said Snips.

“Ooh, Ooh, Snips I know who I wanna meet.”

“Who, Snails?”

“This is gonna make our friend Pinkie very happy,” said Snails as he pointed to a name in the phone book. It read Count Chocula, the great vampire chocolatier.

Next Time: The guys meet up with my favorite cereal mascot.

An Interview with a Vampire.

Once again the doors closed to the stable booth as once again it materialized down to the ground. The two buddies, were find this time around, it was their new historical warrior friend that was freaking out and screaming like a small child. Yes, the same warrior king that just slaughtered over seventy seals and used their corpses as campfire logs was acting like a baby, though the two would never say that to his face in fear of being his next victim. As Snails watched the king’s reaction and the colors of the time vortex, Snips found something in his pocket in placed in his mouth. After thirty or so more seconds later they had arrived at their destination.

The area again was a forest, this time I was night and there was a full moon in the sky. The forest was very different to any of the ones they had been to in the past including the Everfree back in Ponyville. For one thing the trees all looked twisted, gnarled and for a lack of a better word, “dead.” Another thing was the constant fog that seemed to flow in thick waves at knee level. Snips was the first of the three to break the silence.

“Well we’re here,” exclaimed Snips to his friend and his confused historical hostage.

“Great, but when and where are we exactly,” asked Snails as he observed a massive castle in the background.

“The phone thingy says that we’re in 18XX and in Trotzlevania, remember you wanted to get Count Chocula to join us, well here’s our shot.”

“You seem a lot calmer about this Snips, why?”

“When were in the phone stable I found more leftover mescaline in my pocket during the trip here and I AM TRIPPING THE BUCK OUT right now, dude. Everything looks like it’s made out of felt and you guys look like lizard creatures. So, to answer your question I am both high and just going with the flow,” Snips said as he motioned with his hoof the mime of flowing water.

“Okaaay, well we best be off for our quest young scribes,” said McWalrus with a warrior’s flair as he marched towards the castle which was amazing because he didn’t have legs and instead just slithered there like a snake. .

Within the course of ten minutes they were at the rusty gates of the massive property.

“Lads, there seems to be a bell of sorts, mostly likely to get the attention of the master that lives in this fortress,” said McWalrus as he grabbed the rope and rang the bell. All of a sudden a large bat appeared on the other side of the gate and with a poof it turned into a tall pale white pegasus with a slicked back black mane, bat-like wings and a burgundy colored suit.

Out of nowhere balloons appeared and confetti burst over the three of them, and then the strange pony grabbed them up in a quick hug. To say that they were extremely confused would be an understatement.

“I know every living and nonliving thing on these grounds and if I don’t know you then you must be new and what better way to velcome new guest then with confetti and super amazing balloons,” the stranger said in thick accent in a manner to similar to their Pink party pony friend.

“Oh, I’m sorry where are my manners? My name is Count Chucula: vampire, philanthropist, and chocolate maker extraordinaire. ”

“Humble isn’t he,” whispered McWalrus to Snips and Snails.

“You guys don’t seem worried about the vampire part, most ponies run off after I mentioned that little tidbit of information,” said Chocula.

“The thing is me and my yellow friend here are time travelers and know that while most vampires would gore us out and make cupcakes out of our flesh, but history tells us you never did anything of the sort,” said Snips.

“Okie, dokie, lokie,” exclaimed Chocula.

“Oooh, I know you guys should come in and see my chocolate factory, but don’t be disappointed by the lack of singing enslaved midgets.”

“whaa,” the three save a collective dumbfounded answer as they followed their host.

Three hours later.

“…and finally this vhere I make my infamous chocolate toads. They are infamous because they actually move around a bit before you eat them. Once I get them to move around like living toads, I’m thinking about making a deal to have them given out as special treats in the magical kindergartens of Equestria. I bet the little foals vould love them.”

Chocula paused as he heard the roaring stomachs of his guest. They had been the first guest he’s had in over a hundred years since his first wife died, so he did what any gracious host would do in this situation.

“Vould you three mind joining me for dinner?”

Not worried about time, because they had a time machine they accepted his offer of a free home cooked meal.

Within the course of half an hour they were sitting down at a long thirty foot table that could have seated fifty or so guest. On the table several large serving trays were placed. They the silver lids were lifted revealing a wondrous spread. There were three types of vegetable soups, elaborate salads, fresh fruits, and even a tray of fillets from various fishes for our Walrus king.

“Wow you went all out sir,” said Snails as he looked out at the display.

“Indeed, for this wonderful meal aye WILL NOT gut you like the fish given before the likes of me,” said McWalrus as he chuckled to himself.

“Are we waiting for someone, Count,” asked Snips as he noticed the count was silent and not eating.

“Yes, and she’ll be here any--”

“Father,” a voice exclaimed as a mare dashed into the room and hugged the count. Then the two started conversing about their respective days. Snips noticed two things about the Count's offspring. First off she was young about his own age, but then again if she was a full vampire she’d look young and be over three hundred years old. She had the wings like her father, but that’s where the similarities end. Her coat was pale blue, and her mane was ash gray. The second thing he noticed was a lack of an accent as she didn’t pronounce her W’s like V’s as her father has done we he spoke.

“Oh, I’m sorry gentlemen, this is my daughter Malta and she’s a dhampire.”

“A what,” asked Snails

“Half-breed, yet proud. I have all their strengths and none their weaknesses and the other thing your wondering is why I don't have an accent is because of overseas boarding schools.” said Malta smugly.

“Vell now hat’s out of the vay, let’s eat.”

The others dug into their meals and they noticed a servant bring over a large goblet of what appeared to be blood to the Count.

“Vhat of you looking at? Oh, this. I assure you guys that this vas obtained voluntarily,” said the Count trying to put their fears to rest.

They had finished dinner and moved on dessert, what was impressive to say the least. The thing was during dinner two members of this shared meal were so much into the food as they were into each other. It was lust at first sight, not really love. Yeah, that emotion could happen, but for now across for each other their attraction was purely based on looks as Snips and Malta shared a brief moment. The thing was while Snails had experienced that feeling, it was new to Snips. All his life the only thing that mattered to him was music, math, and getting skull splitting blitzed. Here he was falling and falling deep with something that was half monster.

Moving on from a story of star crossed lovers separated by hundreds of years. Dessert had gone down extremely well. Once it was over the Count asked the one question he had forgotten to ask his guest.

“I never, asked you gentlemen what your purpose was outside my lovely home.”

“Well, us and by us I mean me and my puke colored compadre are from the distant future and never know what historical figures would think of modern Equestria and we thought what better way than to get the figures themselves to address the issue. That explains our Walrus friends here; he’s a warrior king whose defining moment is saving his people from tyranny. So, would you be willing to take some time off your hooves and come with us,” asked Snips.

“I dunno, I’m kinda busy.”

“Please, if you don’t come then we’ll have to find someone else to come with us and our friend Pinkie has always wanted to meet you,” whined Snips.

“Okay, I vill go with your group as long as keeps you from being sad mopey mopes Just let me get some sun block, my saddle bags and I meet you outside the gate.”

They waited for their vampiric guest outside the gates of the castle. Once the four of them were ready they headed towards the time machine and once again the two explained how it worked, well a least their knowledge of it. Just as they we about to leave a female voiced called out.

“Daddy, can I come too,” asked Malta.

“They assure me I’ll be back at the same moment I left, but I still need somepony to watch they factor while I’m gone just in case something happens.”

“Oh, okay,” she said in a disappointed voice as she looked at her father and to Snips in the machine. She left for home just as the Count had suggested.

“Where to now, Snips, ”asked Snails.

“I think you know where. Who is the greatest wizard in Ponydom? No one other than Star Swirl the Bearded,” exclaimed Snips as he punched the date and location into the phone stable’s phone.

“Hey! I barely got any lines in this chapter! The Walrus guy got more lines than me and he’s a freakin OC. I mean I’m interesting, I have a marefirend and I’m Keanue Reeves in this fic. Why no love for Snails, huh?”

“Oh, shut it. Only two characters are allowed to break the fourth wall and that’s me and Pinkie Pie,” yelled Count Chocula.

Next Chapter: We're off to see the wizard.

The End

This is the the quick ending because this was my first fic and because every story needs an ending.

As Snips and Snails and their historical guest were traveling through the time tunnel just having a good time. Tragedy happened because out of nowhere the TARDIS carrying human Doctor Who and Rose crashed right into them.

The resulting explosion triggered a cataclysmic event that destroyed the space time continuum.

EVERYONE DIED, THE END

But luckily, the damage was only limited to their own universe.

Alternative Ending

Once they convinced Star Swirl the Bearded (he is a filthy hippie that smelled of bong resin) to join their group, Snips and Snails brought them all back to their own time.

First they went back to Snail's house to go get Dinky to help them take care of their guests.

"Dinks can you help us watch over these guys as we go to Snails' house to get a camera?"

"Sure." She had the six creatures follow her before they ran into Sweepy the local hobo and like Gamera friend to children.

"Hey, you wanna help me watch these guys?"

The vagrant nodded. "THE GOV'MENT STOLE MY EYEBALLS!!!"

"But, laddy ye still have your eyes." McWalrus replied in very confused tone.

"That's what they want you to think!!!"

Dinky and the group rolled their eyes, except for Star Swirl. "Duuude, finally someone agrees with me."

Half an hour later the light purple unicorn brought them to The Lone Pine Mall.

"This is a mall. "

The historical figures fucked up the mall, while Dinky and the homeless stallion that eats out of Snip's trash can tried to stop them, but failed miserably.

Snails' dad got pissed and put the historical figures in jail, but our two heroes busted them out with the use of their phone booth.

They did their presentation.

"I created the, the, an-anpro-bib-bib, fuck it... I created the changing spell. I like the future, the future is awesome, man..." Star Swirl said as he munched on some Funyuns he teleported out of a vending machine.

When the other students went silent, Snips ran in to continue the speech and save the day. "...Ponyville high is the greatest high school!!!"

The auditorium cheered and they passed high school and went on to create world peace with their band. Somewhere down the line there were evil robots, a villain, murder, hell, Death, heaven and shlong faced aliens. Wild Stallionz!!!

The ending is essentially the same as the movie: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Author's Note

Is this ending kinda shitty? Yes, but I don't like to cancel stories. There was some sentimental value in finishing it, but as the series went on Snips and Snails got more annoying, so I lost interest in writing a fic where they are the protagonist.

**This was my first story back in November of 2011. It got an ending. BAM!!!