Hitched

Twilight Sparkle groaned as she sat in front of the mirror in her bridesmaids dress. “Oh, I can feel my heartbeat in my face,” She said.

The girls were getting ready for the wedding in one of the powder rooms in the Wonderbolts trainee area. Fluttershy, who sat next to her, gave her a pat on the back. “Well, you did have at least six shots of cider last night.” She turned to Rainbow Dash who was in the middle of getting her makeup done by Rarity. “How are you feeling?” The shy pony asked.

“Good.” She opened one eye with a smile as Rarity applied eyeshadow. “Well, considering. I guess I just needed a little me time. The truth is… I never panicked, not even once… not because I’m cool like that—although I am—I knew that Soarin was gonna have my back. And then, it hit me! Soarin’s always gonna have my back. And I never have to worry about losing him.”

“Unless his flank gets shot,” Fleetfoot said from the back of the room. Spitfire threw her a glare. “But y-you know what, but that’s why we’re wearing those new bullet proof vests now,” Fleetfoot said quickly.

The Captain of the Wonderbolts rolled her eyes, and smiled at Rainbow. “You have to know you make him… so happy. I’ve never seen him this full of life and… hope.”

Rainbow smiled at her mentor.

Princess Cadence, who had come in to see if everything ran smoothly, was braiding Pinkie’s hair. She looked up and smiled. “Look, it’s going to be hard,” She said truthfully. “I mean, there will be days that you just want to hop on a chariot to the south of Prance, and meet a young winemaker on a bicycle.” She started to stare off into space. “Oh, and all he wants to do is cook for you and make love…”

She stopped, and looked around the room, noticing the strange looks that the others were giving her. She cleared her throat.

“But… then… oh…” She smiled softly. “There will be those days when you are sick in bed, and he’ll rub your hooves. Or he’ll try to make you eggs Florentine from a recipe that he got from a book…. Oh, or that day when he walks into your hospital room holding your newborn foal, and he will lay him gently on your chest. And he tells you that you look beautiful even though you know you look like Tartarus frozen over.”

The mares laughed at this.

“…And it’ll all be worth it.”

Rainbow sniffled, and hastily wiped away a tear. “D-Darn it… now you got me actin’ all sappy, and the wedding hasn't even started!"

Rarity moaned. “Rainbow Dash! Don’t touch your face, you’ll ruin it! Now hold still!”

“Don’t stick that in my eye!”

“I’m not stick—here, look up? Yes, right there, don’t move. Luckily for you, I thought to bring waterproof mascara.”

Pinkie pie, after her hair was finished, yanked on the zipper of Applejack’s dress. “Er.. oh! It’s stuck!” She huffed.

The farm pony groaned in discomfort. “Unghh… I don’t think this is gonna work, sugar cube... Neh!”

Pinkie repeatedly tried to get the zipper to go up. “Yes it will… oh… suck it in, A.J.!”

“I’m… ugh… tryin’! Ow!”

“Come on, A.J., don’t give up on me!!!”

Rarity looked at them, and shook her head. “Take a short break, Rainbow,” she said. The Pegasus sighed in relief as Rarity went over to her two struggling friends. “Step aside, Pinkie,” She instructed. Pinkie sighed and moved away from the zipper as Rarity took a hold of it.

“Now let me see… uhh… Applejack, suck in your stomach!”

“I am! Oww! Hey, not so rough, now!”

“Well, if you haven’t eaten that whole buffet, this wouldn’t be a problem!”

“I can’t breathe!”

“One cannot breathe, one cannot eat!!”

Just then, Rarity’s phone rang. She let Pinkie take over while she looked at the caller I.D. She groaned. “How is my parole officer calling when I’m trying to put ponies’ faces on?” She said with a whine. She put the phone to her ear. “What do you want, Clarisse?”

Outside, the Stallions were getting ready inside of the party bus. Soarin was going over his vows. “And I promise never to clone your cell phone. My princess.”  He finished.

Spike chuckled in approval. “There it is,” He said with a grin. “Now it sings.” He stood up, and clipped a rose to Soarin’s tux.

“I hope you drafted a preen up,” Herbal said to him.

“Shut up, Herb,” Soarin said. “If you knew the pure, universal love that I have surrendered to, you wouldn’t worry about money.”

“I thought I knew that love,” Thunderlane said, straightening his mane in the mirror. “Turns out I mistook it for a soulless concubine who cheated on me 12 times with ten stallions.” Everyone looked at him strangely. “What? I have a natural part. Why fight it? Besides, I think Rarity might be in to me. You think she’s in to me?”

The others shrugged and turned back to their activities.

Soarin smiled as he watched his friend spray cologne on himself. The, he walked over and sprayed some on Soarin. He coughed. “A-Alright. *Cough* thanks… I-I’m good *Cough* "

Thunderlane straightened Soarin’s tie. “Sorry about what happened, man. I had way to much cider last night. I already apologized to the girls, but for some reason, they were already cool with it.”

Soarin smiled as he patted him on the shoulder. “There’s nothing to forgive, man. Besides, I think some of the girls had a few problems with the cider too.”

Thunderlane nodded. He gave him a slap on the back. “I’m proud of you man.”

Soarin chuckled softly. “Thanks dude.” They exchanged a double hoof bump.

“What I’m asking for here is a favor,” Spitfire said, holding Rarity’s phone to her ear. “I mean, Rarity is one of the maids of honor.”

Rarity huffed. “What kind of a parole are you, Clarisse?” Rarity yelled beside Spitfire. “I could have lied my tail off— " Spitfire moved away from the furious unicorn while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash held her to the couch. “You’re just jealous because I’m a full-figured pony! You’re starving, you’re hungry!”

Spitfire continued to try to negotiate with the parole officer on the other side of the phone. “Now, as I was saying, I can personally guarantee that she will not leave my sight or touch another designer purse for the remainder of the evening…” She scowled. “Well, what is good enough…” She lowered the phone from her ear, and glared at it. “Said the Captain of the Wonderbolts!”

Outside, the stallions were on the fake lawn where the wedding was going to take place. The altar was set, the musicians were rehearsing, the guests had arrived, the tables and chairs were up, and the food was almost fully prepared. Soarin however, was panicking.  Braeburn and Cheese Sandwich were with him, along with Herbal, still hoofcuffed to a piece of the bedpost.

“The priest isn’t answering his phone,” He moaned. “Apparently, no one has seen him since May Day! What am I gonna do now?” Both Braeburn and Cheese shrugged.

“I’m licensed,” Herbal said.

“Zip it! Wait what?”

“I’m a licensed justice of the Peace. I could marry you.”

Soarin frowned. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Because you keep telling me to shut up and you hoofcuffed me to a bedpost and a pole.” Herbal said a matter of factly.

Soarin grinned. “I could kiss you right now.”

Herbal shrugged. “Alright.”

Soatin gleefully took the bedpost that he was chained to. “Come with me!” He said, dragging him away. Cheese and Braeburn watched them go.

“Fortuitous.” Cheese commented. The Appleloosan nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

An hour later, the guests were seated, and the musicians started playing. The wedding was about to begin. Most of the guests were Wonderbolts, and others were from Ponyville. Rainbow’s Mother sat in the front. Celestia and Luna were near the back so that others could see. Even Discord attended, looking bored already. Twilight Sparkle raced down the stairs that were behind where the guests were sitting, when she bumped into Bulk Biceps. “Bulk!” She exclaimed. “Why are you still wearing that?”

“I had to come straight from my other gig. Nice day, huh?”

Twilight nodded, then looked around. “Where’s your marefriend?” She asked.

The muscular pony bit his lip. “I didn’t get a plus one.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow as they made their way to the altar. “Huh.”

Herbal stood at the front of the altar chained to the gate behind him, with Rapidfire standing beside him. A white blob fell from the sky, and landed on the shoulder pad of the Wonderbolt’s suit. Herbal looked at it, disgusted. Rapidfire glanced over at him. “What?” Then, he noticed the mess that was splattered on his shoulder. His face immediately turned green. ”Oh, son of a…”

Soarin and the rest of the stallions walked over to them, taking their respective places. Sorin raised an eyebrow at Rapidfire’s tux. The white pony simply shook his head. “Don’t even ask.” The CMC hopped down the aisle, throwing pedals at all directions, waving to everyone as they passed. By the end of the aisle, Sweetie Belle still had a lot of pedals in her basket. She groaned in frustration, and dumped the rest of the pedals on the carpet where she stood, and shuffled away.

The bridesmaids came next. Fluttershy and Twilight strolled down the aisle elegantly. Pinkie simply bounced the whole way. Applejack had managed to fit in the dress, but walked inch by inch, looking constipated. Fleetfoot strutted down the aisle, still wearing her sunglasses.

Rarity and Spitfire were last, wearing fake smiles as they walked side by side. “Okay, here we go,” Spitfire whispered, grinning at everyone they passed.

“Is this really necessary?” Rarity asked through her teeth with a wide smile.

“Just smile and we’ll get through this,” The Wonderbolt replied. Both mares were cuffed to each other by Spitfire’s left hind leg, and Rarity’s right hind leg.

“She’s not even here,” Rarity grumbled.

“Hmmm.”

Ponies looked on curiously, but smiled nonetheless.

The two ponies stood beside the other mares as the musicians started playing the wedding march. Everyone stood. Rainbow Dash appeared, beaming. Soarin’s breath caught in his throat. She looked absolutely… stunning. Her wedding dress looked like it was made out of clouds with golden accents. Her mane was braided to the side, and her wedding veil blew softly in the breeze on top of her head it wasn’t the kind that covered up her face, and Soarin was glad that it didn’t. There wasn’t too much makeup on her face, which looked so natural on her. Her magenta eyes popped, and her face seemed to be glowing. She beamed at Soarin as her father walked up next to her, looking very emotional, but proud.

Soarin’s grin disappeared as quickly as it came when he saw dark figures emerging behind Rainbow. “What the hay?” He quickly reached into his left wing, and pulled out his gun. “Everypony get down! Rainbow, hit the deck!” Some of the guests started shouting in alarm.

Axe Ritzo and his crew appeared, guns drawn. Rainbow tackled her Dad to the ground just as the mobsters started shooting.

It was chaos.

The guests from Ponyville dropped to the ground, covering their ears. Granny Smith crouched over the CMC, who were screaming. Thunderlane yelled at Braeburn, Cheese, and Big Mac to get down, to which they gladly complied. Spitfire quickly brought Rarity and Fluttershy to the ground while Fleetfoot stood in front of Applejack and Pinkie Pie, shooting her own gun. The other Wonderbolts did the same, which included the musicians and the bakers. Even the trainees started firing.

Twilight leapt out in front of Spike, and started firing magic, along with Cadence, Luna, and Celestia. Herbal shrunk back, and trembled against the gate. He closed his eyes. “I’m not here. I’m not here.” The war raged on behind him. “I’m in my happy place. I’m in my happy place. I’m in space camp!”

Discord laughed, and conjured up a stack of Pies with the snap of his claws. “Now this is a wedding!” He cackled, throwing pies into the Hench ponies’ faces.

“They’re all drawing!” Shouted one.

“Of course they are!” The other yelled back. “It’s a Wonderbolt wedding!” Several Hench Ponies were taken down. Soon, they were outnumbered, and stopped shooting. Multiple guns were aimed at them.

“Don’t move, put it down!” A Wonderbolt shouted.

The first nephew put down his gun, and raised his hooves. Axe growled beside him. “You coward,” He spat.

“Freeze, Ritzo!” Soarin shouted from the altar. Ritzo paused, and started to run. “Biceps!”  Soarin shouted.

“I got him!” Bulk said, racing after him. As he bounded up the stairs, his pants ripped off. Several guests exclaimed in horror.

“Great Caesar's ghost!” Soarin gagged.

Cheese squinted his eyes as he and his friends got back up. “That’s… that’s happening.” At the top of the stairs, Bulk easily tackled Axe to the ground.

“Call me!” A mare shouted. Applejack was laughing uncontrollably. The security swarmed over Axe, apprehending him. Rainbow Dash and her dad emerged from some bushes.

“You guys okay?” Soarin called. Rainbow gave him a hearty nod. Her Dad smiled shakily as he straightened his suit and exhaled. He nodded.

Soarin grinned as he looked around. The guests seemed to have recovered. The CMC were now laughing, saying how awesome that was, mainly Scootaloo. “Now,” He said. “Where were we?”

“Rainbow Jennifer Dash,” Soarin said minutes later, staring into her eyes. “You have given me something to believe in, even stronger than the NRA’s code of ethics. You’re awesome. I love you. Now, and for all eternity.”

Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich smiled at them from their seats. “I hope there’s an open bar,” Granny Smith mumbled.

Applejack glanced over at her Granny. “Bar? Shoot, I’m hungry.”

“Soarin,” Herbal said. “Do you take Rainbow Dash to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Soarin grinned. “I do.”

“And Rainbow Dash, do you take Prince Soarin to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“You bet your flank I do,” Rainbow smiled.

Herbal grinned. “Then by the power vested in me by an online course I took last year doing jury duty, I now pronounce you mare and colt. You may kiss the bride!” Soarin started to lean forward, but Rainbow practically tackled him in a passionate kiss. Everyone cheered, clopping their hooves on the ground. There was a clash thunder overhead.

Rainbow revved up the motorcycle that she and her new husband were on. Before she took off, she threw the bouquet of flowers backwards before speeding off into the distance with Soarin holding onto her from behind.

Rarity and a handful of other mares leapt for the flowers, but Braeburn quickly snatched them up. Everyone gave him strange looks. He looked around. “What? There’s a girl I got my eye on, I’m not taking any chances!”