Hitched

by Summer Dancer

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Dark, Romance, Thriller, Mystery, Comedy
Length: 12157

Rainbow Dash and Soarin are getting married, but things can get pretty dicey when a new threat appears and Spitfire and Fleetfoot are forced to join the other mane six as bridesmaids.

Fast forward a couple of years or so.

Rainbow Dash and Soarin are getting married, but things can get pretty dicey when a new threat appears and Spitfire and Fleetfoot are forced to join the other mane six as bridesmaids.

Spike is throwing Soarin a bachelor party. Things can only go well.

Psych based, and I'm taking no prisoners.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-08 23:43:40 UTC

Save The Date

“We just got a big break in our pursuit of local crime boss Axe Ritzo, A.K.A. ‘The Axe stallion.” Spitfire announced. The Wonderbolt headquarters was particularly busy today. Spitfire and Fleetfoot stood at the front of the conference room, while the other Wonderbolts hung on to every word their captain and co-captain said.

Spitfire gestured to the projection screen beside her, which displayed pictures of Ritzo and his crew.

“Now, Ritzo’s long-time accountant, Herbal Pollack, has reportedly fled the organization with a sizable amount of Ritzo’s cash and copies of all his financial records, which means that if we can get to Pollack before Ritzo does,” She smiled. “We’ll have all the evidence to put this low life away for a very long time.”

She then noticed Soarin enter the conference room with a spring in his step. “Oh! Soarin, we were just discussing the fact…”

Soarin held up a hoof. “Bup, bup, bup! I’m not here,” he declared with a grin on his face. “I took the day off to do my wedding planning, remember? I don’t wanna be bothered with any more work business.” He then noticed the picture up on the projection screen. His eyes widened. “That’s Axe Ritzo and his accountant!” He said in surprise.

“Who just fled the organization.” Fleetfoot added.

Soarin’s eyebrows shot up. “What? That is huge news!” Spitfire and Fleetfoot nodded.

Soarin snapped out of his surprised stupor. “Which I will deal with tomorrow. When I return to work.”

“You’re doing all your wedding planning in one day?” A trainee asked.

Soarin smiled. “Yep. When you’re marrying the fastest flyer in all Equestria, you gotta pick things up a bit. Here, check it out, I already have the ‘Save the Date’.”

With that, Soarin started to pass out the cards to everyone in the room. “One for you, one for you… I don’t know you… one for you, and one for you.”

Fleetfoot read the card and looked up. “Uh, Soarin?”

“Mmm-hmm?”

“It says you’re getting married this Saturday.”

Soarin nodded. “2:00 p.m. sharp. Now, be on the lookout for the actual invite which should be arriving in three, two, one..” He held up a bunch of flyers from behind his back. “Hey-oh! There you go..”

He started to pass out all the flyers around the room, much to everyone’s amusement.

Spitfire raised her eyebrow as she read her invitation. “It says to RSVP by noon today!”

Soarin shrugged. “What can I say? Rainbow and I’ve got one speed, and it is full throttle. Plus, there was a last-minute cancellation at the Gryphon Kingdom.” With that, he flew out of the room.

Spitfire shook her head and smiled. “Okay, so I feel like my briefing is done, thank you, everypony, you are dismissed.” Everyone quickly cleared the room, and Spitfire and Fleet foot  sauntered  into Spitfire’s office.

“I still can’t believe it,” Fleetfoot said, sitting in a chair. “Our goof ball getting married? And to Rainbow Dash? Who would've thought, huh?”

Spitfire grinned. “Yep. Time sure does fly.”

As if on cue, Soarin flew in with a big grin on his face. “Spit! Fleet! Rainbow’s inviting her Ponyville friends to Cloudsdale, and her friend Pinkie Pie is organizing a bachelorette party for her the night before the wedding, and Rarity is going to design your dresses. And I know Rainbow was hoping you two could make it. “

Spitfire’s eyebrows furrowed. “Uh, first of all, I would prefer to wear my uniform to the wedding, and second of all, didn’t Rarity do time for killing a mare at a sale at the mall?”

“Uh, paralyzing a mare at a sale at the mall. I heard it was just a big misunderstanding. And she’s rehabilitated now.” Spitfire and Fleet foot looked doubtful. Soarin smiled softly. “Come on, it’ll be fun! It’s going to be at the Agua Verde Hotel and Casino in Las Pegasus, that place is first class all the way.”

Fleet foot tilted her head to the side. “Isn’t Bulk Biceps doing part-time security work there?” she asked.

Soarin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Alright, you got me. Most of the way. What do you say?”

“Uh..”

“Great! I’ll give Princess Twilight your phone numbers! Rainbow’s going to be so excited!” As soon as he flew out of the office, he immediately bumped into Spike.

“Hey, Soarin!” The baby dragon greeted.

Soarin blinked in surprise. “Spike! How’d you get here… and how are you walking on clouds?”

Spike smiled. “Twilight  performed the cloud walking spell on us ahead of time so she could organize everything right away.” He rolled his eyes. “I already wrote the checklist, and it’s a mile long. Oh, and the girls are already here, and Rainbow’s at your house.”

Soarin beamed. “Sweet!” he scooped up the princess’s number one assistant and placed him on his back. “Hop on, buddy!” He zoomed out of headquarters, and head towards where the Wonderbolt  dorms were.

“So,” Spike began. “Where’s your bachelor party gonna be at?”

Soarin frowned a little in thought. “I dunno. There’s so much to do. With everything going on, I didn’t even think about the bachelor party.”

Spike was stunned. But then he thought of an idea. Don’t worry Soarin, Spike thought with an evil smirk forming across his face. I’ll take care of everything.

Later, Rainbow Dash and Soarin stood in front of his place, saying their goodbyes, at least until the wedding day. “Just think,” Soarin said while nuzzling Rainbow. “In less than 29 hours, you are going to be Mrs. Rainbow Soarin.”

Rainbow smirked. “Really? I’m thinkin’ Mrs. Rainbow Soarin Dash. I’m keeping the Dash.”

Soarin laughed. “Alright fine.”

The cyan Pegasus raised an eyebrow at Soarin’s attire. “What’s with the robe?”

Soarin looked down at himself and grinned. “Like it? Its 100% cotton.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, and waved her hoof at the robe. “This is embarrassing.”

“This was on sale! Admit it, you’re gonna miss this.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes again. “Yeah, yeah.” The two then gazed at each other lovingly, and leaned in for a kiss.

HONK HONK!

Both pegasi jumped as the rest of the main six pulled up in front of Soarin’s place in a jeep with Spitfire and Fleet foot in tow. “COME ON, DASHIE!” Pinkie yelled.

Soarin grinned. “She’s comin’!” he called.

“Why don’t you come say hi to everypony?” Rainbow suggested.

Soarin looked over at Spitfire and Fleet foot, who were giving him death glares from the back of the jeep. “I would love to, but I’m not armed.” Soarin said simply.

“Come on, Rainbow, let’s go!” Twilight yelled. “We’re on schedule!”

Rainbow smiled and ran over to her friends, lugging her suitcase. “Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming, settle down!” She tossed her suitcase to Fluttershy as she hopped in the jeep, and slammed the door.

“See you at the wedding, Soarin!” Rarity called.

“Let’s get this show on the road!” Applejack said. “Punch it, Pinkie!” Nodding, Pinkie slammed on the accelerator, and with a loud SCREECH the mares sped off into the distance.

Soarin smiled as they left, and he was about to head back inside, when he noticed a newspaper in the driveway. Soarin looked left, right, then left again. He was in the clear. He walked out front, and grabbed the newspaper.

Then he had the feeling he was not alone. Soarin scowled. Now was not the time. “Note to whoever’s out there,” he said loudly, his eyes darting back and forth. “Step to me, and I whip out the enormous piece I have under this robe!” He then noticed the scrawny mail pony looking at him strangely.

Soarin blushed. “Heh heh… morning, Sherman.”  Sherman waved slowly, and flew off.

Soarin headed back to his place, when he heard a twig snap. Soarin looked up. “Sherman?”

Just then, a hood was placed over his head. “Sherman?!”

“Welcome to your bachelor party, Soarin!” He heard Spike declare.

“Eeeyup!”

All Kinds Of Wrong

The main six, plus Spitfire and Fleetfoot sped down the road at accelerating speed. Excitement was in the air. “Oooh, I can’t believe our Rainbow Dash is getting married!” Rarity cooed, hugging the bride to be.

Fluttershy wiped away a tear. “Oh, it feels like only yesterday when we were little fillies, and you believed that boys had cooties!” The others laughed at this. Rainbow blushed.

“We’re going to have the best time, Dashie!” Pinkie exclaimed, suddenly appearing beside the Pegasus. “Look! I brought Jell-O!“

Fleetfoot was alarmed, and was about to ask who the heck was driving, until she saw Pinkie’s tail steering the wheel. Spitfire shook her head and sighed. Why, out of all of these ponies, is Pinkie Pie the one who’s driving? She thought.

Rainbow Dash nudged her arm. “I’m glad you two could come to the wedding,” she said with a grin.

Then she turned to the rest of her friends. “Now, I do have to say, though, things cannot get too crazy tonight. I am getting married tomorrow, and my whole family’s coming out, so --I can’t believe I’m saying this-- but no funny business. Like, for instance, slipping me weird substances, like they did in The Hangover.”

Pinkie chortled. “Okay, first of all, that was a movie, and not a very realistic one! I mean, only crazy ponies do that kind of stuff!”

Applejack grinned. “Uh, I’d say we were far from normal, sugar cube.”

Rarity stood up and tapped a glass she was holding up with her magic. “Ahem, attention, everypony, attention.” Everyone stopped their conversations. Rarity raised seven glasses filled with sparkling cider and levitated them to each pony on the jeep. “A toast,” she said. “To our very own Rainbow Dash, who we know and love, and that she may get every bit of love and happiness she deserves.”

Everyone cheered, including Spitfire and Fleetfoot, as the clinked their glasses together.

Suddenly, Twilight’s eyes practically bulged out of their sockets. “PINKIE, WATCH THE ROOOOAAAAD!!!”  Everyone else quickly turned to see about 15 pegasus high school students in gym clothes flying right towards them.

Everyone screamed as Pinkie quickly jumped behind the wheel, and turned it with all her might, missing the students in the nick of time. Pinkie sighed in relief, and turned to look back at the passengers. “Everypony okay?” The girls were all sprawled out in the jeep, and were piled against one another, letting out low moans of discomfort.

“We’re… good.” Said Applejack, her voice muffled. The others finally found their voices again.

“Twilight, get your butt out of my face!”

“Sorry.”

“Ouch! That was my tail!”

“Pardon.”

“…Um… who’s sunglasses are these?”

“Spitfire, watch the mane!”

"Oh, my pancreas.."

“Dear pony who is sitting on my head… would you be so kind as to GET OFF!!!”

Pinkie smiled sheepishly at the group. “Heh… sorry about that.”

Spitfire groaned as soon as everyone had managed to untangle themselves, and  she retrieved her sunglasses. This would be no easy task. These mares were more excitable than she thought. However, she truly was honored to be accompanying Rainbow Dash for her bachelorette party. She would try to make it work, despite the current circumstances.

Rainbow rubbed her head gently. “Ugh… could somepony tell me why Pinkie’s driving again?”

Pinkie scoffed indignantly. “Well, you wanted to go fast, didn't you?” She turned back to face the road with a determined grin on her face. “Now, buckle up, every pony. We’re almost there!”

Everyone’s eyes popped out of their heads, and Pinkie slammed on the accelerator, the sound of the engines drowning out the chorus of protests.

“WAAAAIIIIIIT!!!!”

After almost losing their lives about four more times, the girls had finally arrived at the hotel. They opened the door to their new suite, which looked like a step up from Buckingham palace.

“Oooh, this is going to do just fine!” Rarity marveled, trotting around the room with stars in her eyes.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie immediately went to the huge sofas and jumped up and down on the plush furniture excitedly. “Wheeee!” Pinkie shouted.

Applejack went over to the fruit basket that sat on one of the coffee tables. Twilight and Fluttershy walked over to the windows, admiring the spectacular view.

Spitfire and Fleetfoot casually had a look around, and the captain stopped at the bedroom. She turned to the others, and lowered her sunglasses. “Hey, I see that there’s only one bed? Not to be a pain or anything, but I’ve got back issues, and cot is not an option.”

“Ditto for me.” Rarity said, poking her head out from the bathroom.

“Who said anything about sleeping?” Fleetfoot said mischievously, pulling out her suitcase.

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity called, pulling out her dress making material. “Come with me, I need to double check your measurements for the wedding dress.” Rainbow stopped bouncing on the couch, and flew over to Rarity. “I think you’re going to like this one Rainbow.”

The Pegasus beamed. “Sweet!” The two mares went into the bedroom and closed the door behind them.

Pinkie Pie hopped down from the couch. “I’m gonna check out the casino!” she said cheerfully. “See you guys later!”

Twilight blinked. “Wait, are you even old enough to…” The pink pony had already hopped her way out the door.

Applejack quickly wiped her mouth with a napkin and ran after her hyperactive cousin. “I better make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.” She said nervously, as she left the room.

Fleetfoot pulled out a number of flashy dresses, and tossed them out to Twilight and Fluttershy. “Let’s suit up!” She said, grinning. The two mares gawked at the choice of clothing.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy murmured.

Twilight let out a series of nervous giggles. “Ha ha… did an escort lend these to you?” Twilight said jokingly. Fluttershy giggled along with her.

Fleetfoot lowered her glasses, and gave them a serious glare. “No,” she deadpanned. “They’re mine.”

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged horrified glances. Twilight then quickly looked down at her dress. “Oh, well, uh, n-now that I… look at it,  I mean..”

“Yeah.”

“This is exactly the kind of dress that I would love to buy myself but that I wouldn’t…”

“Wouldn't have the guts..”

“Right, t-to buy it m-myself!”

“Right.”

Fleetfoot continued to stare at them, while Spitfire sat on one of the couches with her eyebrows raised. Fleetfoot then broke out into a grin. “Girl, I’m just messin’ with you!”

Twilight and Fluttershy broke out into a fit of nervous laughter. “Ha Ha… good one, Fleetfoot.” Twilight chuckled halfheartedly.

“You sure got us!” Fluttershy giggled unconvincingly.

Spitfire pulled out some drinks from the cooler. If they were going to be here, they were at least going to have a bit of fun. “Alright girls, let’s do some cider shots!” Fleetfoot gave a whoop of appreciation.

Fluttershy gulped. “I, um, have to go to the little fillies room.” She zoomed inside the bathroom and slammed the door shut before anyone could say anything else.

Spitfire turned to the lavender alicorn. “That leaves you, Twilight.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Yeah, um, I don’t really do cider shots. In fact, I rarely drink, unless it’s sweet Apple Acres cider, and that's pretty light.”

“Oh, come on, Twi!” Fleetfoot pleaded.

Twilight shook her head. “Oh, no, no, no, no. Really. It’s just that, no, it’s not a great idea.” Spitfire walked over to Twilight with a drink in her hoof.

“I mean… I’m in charge of planning the wedding!”

Spitfire smirked and held out the drink, her eyelids lowered. “And I’m in charge of making Princesses do shots.”

Twilight gasped, and glared at Spitfire. Then she smirked, and accepted the glass from the captain. “Alrighty then,” She said, squinting her eyes. “See you in the ER.” With that said, she lifted the glass to her lips, and downed the entire drink within seconds.

Spitfire smiled approvingly. “Alright!” She took the glass from her, and went back to the cooler, while Twilight let out a raspy sound, and flexed her shoulders.  “Twenty more, girl, twenty more!”

Down at the casino, Pinkie Pie and Applejack exited the food area with drinks in their hooves, the cups glowing at the rims. Pinkie Pie balanced cheese fries on her back. Applejack shook her head. “I still can’t believe you lied about your age like that,” she said disapprovingly.

Pinkie took a big sip out of her drink. “Well, I’m almost twenty-one, Applejack, so technically, it’s not lying.”

“Your birthday isn’t ‘till next May. You’re not even close!”

“Details, details! Look at all those ponies, wasting their bits like that!  But if we…”

Applejack gave her a look of warning. “Pinkie Pie…”

The pink pony sighed, and rolled her eyes. “I know, I know. We can look, but we can’t touch.”

“It’s for the best.” The farm pony said, taking a slurp out of her own drink. “Hey, Isn’t that Soarin?”

Pinkie turned her head and saw the future groom, strutting through the casino. Pinkie beamed and picked up her pace. “Let’s go say hi!”

Applejack nodded as she leaned over and took a bite out of Pinkie’s cheese fries.

“Whoo! Soarin! He’s movin’ his hips, workin’ the room!” Pinkie giggled.

“Somepony’s havin’ fun!” Applejack chimed in.

Soarin turned around and grinned. “Oh, hey, gals! Yeah, I’ve got to say, it is good to be here. I mean, you won’t believe this, but I get so caught up with work, and opposing the health care law at a grass roots level, that sometimes I just forget to you know, cut loose and have some fun!”

Pinkie nodded. “You always need to have time to have some fun! By the way, where’s Spike?”

Soarin chuckled lightly. “Spike couldn’t get in. He didn’t pass the age restriction, but he is allowed where the water attraction is, so we decided to have the bachelor party there. I just thought I could hang out here for a while with my buddies.”

“Aw, that was real nice of you Soarin.” Applejack complimented.

“Thanks.”

“Hey Soarin!” The ponies turned their heads and saw Thunderlane waving from the Slot machines. “Dude, I just scored 20 bucks!”

Soarin rolled his eyes and shook his head good naturedly. “I’d better make sure he doesn’t spend too much money on that thing. Catch you later, girls.”

“Bye!”

“See you later!”

Applejack turned her attention to a large cuisine at the far end of the casino. “Be right back.” She said, transfixed.

Pinkie smiled and shook her head as her friend left. Then something caught her eye. A grey earth pony, just a few aisles down. She had seen him before! Weren’t the Wonderbolts on the lookout for this guy? Pollack something? Something inside her brain suddenly clicked.

Holy pickles. He’s here!

Back at the hotel suite, Spitfire, Fleetfoot, Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Rarity were all wearing those… interesting choice of dresses, laughing, drinking cider, and having a good time. They had bonded over the last hour.

The mares were hanging out on the couch, having fits of laughter, when Fleetfoot got up, and walked behind the couch. “Hey, girls, girls, girls! Is it just me, or has it gotten hot up in here?”

Before anyone could answer, a whistle blew, and music started blaring from the stereo.

A muscular pony dressed in a police outfit came out of nowhere. “You have a right to remain silent!” He declared, jumping on a coffee table in front of them. All of the girls screamed as he started dancing. Rainbow fell backwards in a fit of laughter.

“Shake it, baby!” Fleetfoot hooted.

The stallion grinned, as he started throwing his equipment aside. “Oh, my!” Rarity and Fluttershy said in unison with very different expressions on their faces.

The pony started shaking and shimmying. Spitfire laughed while she drank. “That is not okay!” Twilight shouted, pointing her hoof at the stallion, grinning from ear to ear. “That is illegal!”

Then, she got a better look at his face, and frowned. It couldn’t be. The pony stopped, and really looked at the mares for the first time. He slowly removed his sunglasses.

The cheering stopped, and everyone’s jaws practically fell to the floor as they looked up at the pony before them. Fluttershy gasped in horror.

“Bulk Biceps?” Spitfire said in disbelief.

The muscular pony  had an extreme look of guilt on his face. “I- I can explain!” he stuttered.

“I am sober now.” Twilight said.

Bulk looked over at Rainbow Dash and grinned sheepishly. “Congratulations.”

Rainbow simply raised her eyebrows as she sipped her drink.

Shots Fired

Pinkie Pie let out a frustrated sigh. “What is this straight to voice mail nonsense?” she grumbled, still clutching her phone to her ear. She was pacing up and down the hallway of the hotel, trying to get a hold of Soarin or any of her friends, but with no answer. “Ugh! Somepony call me back!”

As she hung up, Applejack came stumbling towards her, looking ill. “Applejack!” The party pony exclaimed, running over to her friend. “What happened? I thought you were eating at the buffet place thingy!”

Applejack swallowed. “I did,” she moaned. “I really did.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “You ate that whole thing??”

The farm pony blushed as she brushed passed Pinkie. “It wasn’t all me!” She defended. “Other ponies ate too. Just… not as much as I did, that’s all. Now I’m startin to feel sick.” She pushed a button to an elevator and waited.

Pinkie placed a hoof on her shoulder. “I’m sorry Applejack. But we’ve got much bigger issues than that!”

Applejack looked at her, confused. “What?”

“Herbal Pollack is here!”

Applejack blinked in surprise. “Axe Ritzo’s accountant? The one that the Wonderbolts have been lookin’ all over for?”

Pinkie nodded in affirmation. “Mmm-hmm. What are the odds, huh? We’ve gotta warn the Wonderbolts and get Soarin out of here before he has to throw himself into working again!”

The elevator dinged, and the doors slid open to reveal Soarin holding on to Pollock himself tightly in his grasp. Soarn grinned. “Oh hey, guys!” He said cheerfully. “Look who I found.”

“Hello,” Herbal said.

“Shut up.” Soarin growled.

Soarin stood proudly next to the captured criminal who was hoof cuffed to a pole, looking forlorn. “I rule.” Soarin said with a grin.

“Some party,” Spike grumbled. They were all on a party bus that was supplied by the Wonderbolts themselves, and Pinkie and Applejack had to come with, along with all the other best stallions.

“Where’s Thunderlane?” Asked Cheese Sandwich, the planner of the reception party.

“Somewhere disappointing Jesus.” Applejack said a matter of factly, resting her chin on her hoof.

“Ah, come on gang, cheer up!” Soarin said brightly. “We’ll jump right back in to the party as soon as we drop this schlub  off at headquarters for safekeeping.”

“Why didn’t you tell Spitfire and Fleetfoot about this?” Spike asked.

“I didn’t want to worry them.” Soarin replied. “They shouldn’t be pulled out from their bachelorette party for this. And we’re coming right back.”

Herbal spoke up. “Well, you realize that I’m no good without the flash drives, right?” He said bluntly. He looked at Soarin. “You think I just walk around with hard copies of a mob boss’ taxes? They’re all on a couple of drives back in my apartment.”

“So, we’ll drop you off to the local brethren and come back for them later.” Soarin said with a shrug.

“Okay,” Herbal said, with a slight smirk on his face. “Well, that is, assuming that Ritzo doesn’t get to them first.” He gave an exaggerated sigh. “One does not get to be a ruthless crime lord without being persistent. Look. My condo is in Baltimare, not too far from Cloudsdale. I’ll run in real quick.”

Everyone in the bus looked at Soarin. This pony did have a point.

Soarin huffed. “If you’re messing with me man, I will punch you in the face so hard….”

“Look I want to put him away too! That way, he won’t kill me.”

Soarin gritted his teeth. “Darn it to heck. Big Mac, make a right!”

“Mac, make a right.” Braeburn said, lying on his stomach.

The stallion swerved to the right, making everyone lurch over.

At the hotel room, things had calmed down quite considerably over the last thirteen minutes. Fluttershy stood in front of the door with Bulk Biceps who was still wearing his police uniform. “You said you were working security here,” Fluttershy said, still a little disturbed about what happened.

Bulk held up a hoof. “No, I said I wore a security uniform here. Which is kinda true, thought this one is a tear away.”

Fluttershy sighed, and pressed a hoof to her temple. “How long have you been doing this? You should know better.”

The muscular pony lowered his gaze to the floor. “A couple of months. My roommate and I are saving for a new condo and we really need the extra cash. You know, plus it’s a great group of guys and we really support each other. And I never really go nude, I just strip down to the—“

“Bulk, Bulk!” Fluttershy held her hooves up, not wanting to hear anymore.

“Oh, this is awful, isn’t it?” He sighed. “I’m gonna get fired, aren’t I?”

Fluttershy looked over and saw Spitfire lying on the couch groaning, and Twilight asleep on of the floor.  She turned back to Bulk. “Not if you leave right now.”

The stallion took the hint, and backed out of the door. “I was never here,” he whispered.

“Okay.”

Once he closed the door, he opened it again. “Forgot my boomer.” He said sheepishly, and closed the door behind him for good.

Fluttershy sighed in relief, and went over to the dining room table where Rainbow Dash was sitting, looking depressed. “Rainbow?” Fluttershy questioned. She sat next to her friend. “What’s wrong? If you want, we can get another… I mean, I’m not really suggesting it, but if it will make you feel better..”

Rainbow Dash lifted her eyes and stared at Fluttershy. “What if I can’t go through with it?” She asked quietly.

Fluttershy stared into her eyes, and knew exactly what she meant. “Oh Dash… w-wait, what happened?”

The cyan Pegasus buried her face in her hooves. “It’s all just happening so fast… and I like fast, but… I mean, I love Soarin. I do. But.. what do I know about being a wife.. a wife!” She blew her bangs out from in front of her eyes. “I know he’s going to want kids some day. I like kids, but how can I be a mom? What if I mess up?”

Fluttershy was silent for a minute, and then placed her hoof on her friend’s. “Look. This is a huge step for Soarin too. You two are crazy for each other. Soarin loves you Rainbow. All of you. And you love him too. You’re wonderful with kids. Scootaloo can vouch for that. She looks up to you. She’s always had, and always will. You’re going to be a great mom. You’ve protected me from all those bullies, and you’ve protected the girls from all sorts of things.  The filly or colt you raise will be a great pony, I promise you.”

Rainbow smiled softly, and gave her a hug. “Thanks Flutters.” Then she released her, and stretched her wings. “I’m just gonna get some air. My wing's still stiff from the car ride.” Fluttershy nodded, and went over to the bathroom to see if Rarity was still sick.

The Wedding posse had arrived at Herbal’s place, which wasn’t all that bad. “The flash drives are in my bedroom,” Herbal said. “I put them in a hollowed-out book!”

Soarin rolled his eyes. “You think I give a Yankee dime where it is? Go get it!” Herbal frowned and marched off to his bedroom.

Pinkie Pie was poking around his stuff, under the supervision of Breaburn. Applejack had stayed behind on the party bus, refusing to snoop in someone’s house even though they had permission… sort of.

Pinkie held up a flyer. “Lookie here! This guy has the receipt for a ticket to a Sapphire Shores concert!” She slipped it into her mane.

“Why would you take that?” Breaburn asked. “Doesn’t your friend Rarity know her?”

Pinkie giggled. “Because it had a picture of Sapphire Shores on it! Duh!” The pony sighed and shook his head. He would never be able to understand that girl.

Herbal was struggling to find those flash drives when he heard noise coming from the other room.

Fifteen love.

Herbal walked over to the room and opened the door. Two ponies were playing the Wii, a tennis game apparently. Both stallions swung their controllers at brutal force. “I told you I had a master backhoof.” The first pony said.

Thirty love.

The two ponies suddenly stopped, and looked over at Herbal, who was smiling nervously. The henchponies glared at him murderously.

After fifteen seconds of this, Herbal slammed the door. "RUN!”

The others jumped, and immediately scrambled for the front door. Cheese Sandwich was outside, buying party drinks for the reception. “Battery acid… I’ll take a case,” He smiled, casually sipping his drink from a fancy looking glass.

“Okay,” Said the sales mare. Just then, Breaburn, Soarin, Pinkie, and Herbal burst from the door, screaming.

“Go, go, go!” Breaburn yelled.

“Big Mac, fire up the bus!” Soarin screamed. Big Mac, who was standing in front of the bus, immediately jumped in.

"Come on, Cheese!” Pinkie yelled, grabbing his hoof, and yanked him across the lawn.

“Why are we running?!” Cheese squealed. Bullets rained down all around them, just barely missing the ponies. Cheese let out a girly scream.

Soarin stood outside the bus, making sure everyone got in. “Come on!” Cheese instantly shielded Pinkie from the gunfire as Applejack pulled her inside the bus. Soarin shoved Cheese in the bus, and jumped in after him.

The doors closed, and the bus sped off while the henchponies kept firing at them until the bus was out of range.

One of the henchponies’ phone rang, and he quickly answered. “Uncle Axe!”

“Tell me you two numb skulls found Pollack.”

“Well, we did. But the Wonderbolt with the stupid voice got him.”

“Soarin? What the hay’s that goon doin’ up in Baltimare?”

“Getting married, apparently….”  On the bus was a big sign that said

RAINBOW DASH AND SOARIN

Last fling before the ring!

“..To some broad named Rainbow Dash.”

Axe hung up the phone. He was getting his hooves polished in a salon. He had to get back to work. “Skip the paraffin, Daffodil. I gotta bounce.”

At the casino, Twilight watched a spinning wheel, mezmorized on how pretty the colors were. Fluttershy flew over to her side and landed next to her. “Twilight!”

The lavender alicorn beamed, happy to see a friendly face. “Fluttershy!” she said cheerfully.

“Have you seen Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight frowned a bit and held up a hoof. “I have not.”

The Pegasus sighed, and started to walk around, with Twilight following her.

Fleetfoot came up to the girls, and started walking with them.”There’s no way she left this casino,” she said, sounding a little concerned. “She couldn’t have.” She smirked. “Not in those clothes.” Twilight laughed.

Just then, Thunderlane walked up to them, not looking like himself. “Excuse me,” he said loudly. “Do any of you three have boys downstairs? Because I failed to ask that of the last esc—“ Fleetfoot punched him in the face, knocking him out cold. The Wonderbolt kept moving as if nothing had happened.

Twilight’s eyes widened, and opened her mouth, as if trying to say something, when Fluttershy grabbed her hoof. “Let’s go,” she said urgently, pulling the baffled princess away from the bizarre scene.

Soarin and the others had finally arrived outside of the Wonderbolts headquarters just as the moon started to rise. Everyone started piling off the bullet ridden bus. “Well, ya'll have any idea where she is?” Applejack asked. She was on the phone with Fluttershy. “Okay.” She hung up.

“Who was that?” Pinkie asked, hopping up to Applejack.

“Fluttershy. She said to meet up in our room as soon as we get back.”

Soarin was holding on to Herbal while he struts across the parking lot. “Okay! Let’s dump off this loser and get back to stumpin’ up the jam!” Just then, Soarin’s phone started to ring. “Ooh, hang on.” He said, as he reached for his phone. He looked at the caller I.D. “Who’s this?” He answered. “Hello?”

“Soarin!” Said a overly cheerful deep voice. “It’s your old friend, Axe Ritzo.”

Soarin grinned. “Well, speak of the devil!” He exclaimed. “How ya been, scumbag? Funny you should call. I happen to be standing with a buddy of yours. Oh, hang on, he wants to say hello!” Soarin narrowed his eyes at Herbal. “Say hello.”

“Hello?”

“Bam!”

Applejack, Spike, Pinkie Pie, and Cheese started to titter.

“You my friend are going down for a long time.” Soarin said triumphantly.

“Is that right? Well that should be interesting. ‘Cause you see, as luck would have it, I’m hanging out with an old friend of yours too.”

Before Soarin could ponder what he was talking about, a brash female voice came over the line.

“Drop dead, dirtbag.”

Soarin’s heart stopped. “…Rainbow?”

Saving Private Dash

Tension was at an all time high. Soarin and the others had retreated to the girl’s hotel room to figure out what to do. Spitfire had quickly recovered and flew over to headquarters to take control and to make sure no one did drastic measures, at least until further notice. The others sat around the room, very grim, and very distraught.

Soarin Sighed. “He proposed a straight-up swap,” He said, his voice sounding a bit hostile. “Rainbow for Herbal. That’s the deal.” Everyone looked at Soarin sadly. He sucked in some air. “I have one weakness in this life, besides pie, and he has her.” Unshed tears welled up in his eyes. “She’s probably scared to death and I’m not there to help her!” Fluttershy gently rubbed his back.

“Oh, let her go, Dawg,” Rapidfire said from the couch, watching T.V. It was apparent that he had drunk too much cider. “There are, like, three billion chicks out there that need dudes like us. And that’s just in the Ukraine.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Said Braeburn.

Soarin shook his head. “I can’t risk it.” He turned to the others. “I won’t. I have waited too long to tell Rainbow I love her, and I am going to marry my fiancée tomorrow! I’ll put that greasy scumbag Ritzo away some other day. Soon. We make the swap, we make it now.”

“Uh, what about Princess Twilight?”  Fleetfoot asked with her eyebrows raised.

They looked over at the lavender alicorn, who was slumped in her chair, half her body lying on the dining room table. Spike was next to her, rubbing her back in comfort with one hand, and holding a bottle of water with the other. “Come on, Twilight, you need to try and hydrate.” He coaxed.

“I can’t feel my skin,” Twilight moaned. “I haven’t done cider shots since college, and I just didn’t want to be the wet blanket.” She said with a soft whine.

“I know you didn’t.”

“Spike… What’s stuck to my lip?”

“…It’s a peanut shell, Twi.”

Pinkie nodded. “I believe Twilight’s okay with this plan.” The others agreed unanimously. “Let’s grab Herb from the bedroom!” As they started towards the bedroom door, Rarity stumbled out with a towel wrapped around her body.

“We’ve got a serious problem!” She gasped. “Oh, of all the worst things that could happen, this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!”

Braeburn frowned. “Uh, why are you wearin’ a towel?”

Just then, Thunderlane emerged from the same room, and he was also wearing a towel with a sailor hat made out of newspaper on his head. “Oh, you guys are going to be so mad..”

“Rarity!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

Rarity shook her head. “Oh, no no, no, we were just cuddling, honestly.”

Thunderlane nodded.

“You see… uh… Herbal got away. I mean, the little weasel just jumped right out of the window! We tried to stop him of course, but well… you know…”

Soarin’s expression darkened. “Is this some kind of joke?!?”  He seethed. “This is my life! Pollack!!” He darted past the two stunned ponies and he flew into the bedroom.

Applejack gritted her teeth at her friend. “Rarity! What in Sam Hill happened? He was hoofcuffed to the bedpost!”

“He ripped himself from it!” Rarity cried. “I mean, he gnawed his arm like a wolf!”

“Thunderlane...” Fleetfoot groaned.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “But she smells like my step mom.”

Rarity smiled and nuzzled her companion. “Oooh, thank you darling.”

Soarin flew out of the bedroom with a number of bed sheets knotted together in his hooves. He looked like he was about to cry. “What am I supposed to do now? Somepony tell me what in the hay I am supposed to do now!? Fleetfoot?!” He whimpered.

Fleetfoot rushed forward and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Come here. Sit.” She instructed, easing him onto the couch. “Breathe. It’s gonna be alright. Just sit and breathe.”

“I have an idea!” Pinkie said suddenly. Everyone looked at her, some surprised, some already scared. “Hope is not lost!” She declared. Thunderlane pumped his hooves in the air. She looked at Soarin. “How much do you trust me?”

The next day, the party bus wheeled in the huge parking lot where they were supposed to meet. A little black car appeared, and both vehicles came to a stop, the bumpers mere inches from each other. Soarin got out with a stallion in a suit with a hood over his head. Axe and his two nephews stepped out of their car pointing guns at the Wonderbolt. One of the nephews brought out Rainbow Dash with a hood over her head, as well as a robe on her body.

Soarin scowled. “Why is she in a housecoat? If you so much as breathed on her…”

Axe rolled his eyes. “Oh, relax, nopony touched her. Now give me my rat.” At the same time, Soarin pushed the pony towards Axe, and the nephew pushed Rainbow towards Soarin.

“This way, babe, there you go.” Soarin said soothingly, guiding Rainbow behind him.

“Hope you said your prayers, Herb,” Axe taunted.

Soarin turned back to the mobsters. “Hey, just remember. He ends up in a ditch, I will have you by the plums for murder. I mean, don’t you think your little buddy Herbal there made copies of those files? If I were you, I’d give him a raise and take him out to dinner and a show.”

Axe scowled. “Don’t you try to tell me about my business,” He said darkly.

The pony in the hood blurted out a series of unintelligible shrieks, and ran into the other nephew, who grabbed the pony by his suit. “Man, have some respect for yourself,” He groaned.

“Good luck there, Herb,” Soarin said with a grin. “You’re on borrowed time, dirtbag!” He told Axe.

The mobster chuckled as he backed up into his car. “Yeah. Catch me if you can, hambone!”

“Take it to the bank! There you go, hon.” Soarin said, easing Rainbow onto the bus.

Everyone piled into their vehicles, and started to reverse into separate directions.

Ten seconds later, both vehicles screeched to a halt, and drove back to their previous positions. Soarin furiously leapt out of the bus, and Axe and his nephews got out drawing their guns.

“You double-crossed me, you little rat!” Axe roared.

“Look who’s talking, you son of a sailor!” Soarin shouted.

Axe’s face flushed in anger. “Who the hay is that!?!” he yelled, pointing at Granny Smith in a suit.

“Granny Apple Smith, ya whipper snapper!” She declared proudly. “My cousin Apple Dumpling busted yer Uncle Sal in ’83, so go ahead, punch me in the face as hard as you can, I dare ya!”

“I knew I couldn’t trust you,” Soarin growled. He moved aside and gestured to the mare behind him. She had a green coat and a blond mane. Her feathered earrings were in contrast with her masculine features. “That is not my future wife!” Soarin yelled.

“No, but I could be,” She said in her deep voice.

Soarin’s face twisted in anguish. “Jesus of Nazareth.” He turned back to Axe. “Where the hay is my fiancée?” He demanded.

Axe sighed. He scratched his cheek. “Alright, look,” He said quietly. “Your gal got the drop on my idiot nephew Tito back at the hotel.” He admitted. “See, it turns out he ordered a companion up to his room, sight unseen. She shows up,” He gestured to the mare behind Soarin. “The boys come out, your gal seizes the moment, and Bob’s your uncle.”

Soarin grinned.

“I gotta hand it to you, Soarin. You are marrying one tough broad there,” Axe said genuinely. “She even busted out some Muay Thai in the hallway before she flew out the window.”

“That’s my gal,” Soarin said proudly. “Ironically, your boy Herb slipped through the hooves of my best man and one of Rainbow’s recently paroled maids of honor.”

Axe nodded. “Alright, so what you say we just pretend it never happened?”

Soarin nodded in agreement. “Yeah, fine by me. You’ll be behind bars within a week anyway.”

“Fat chance. I’ll see you in your nightmares, Ponyboy.”

The party bus was once again cruising along the streets of Cloudsdale, in search of Rainbow Dash. “Wait just a gosh darn minute,” Applejack said, trying to process all this. “Are you tellin’ me Ritzo had the exact plan we did?”

Soarin sighed. “Yeah. Which means my fiancée is still missing.”

“Don’t worry. We’re going to find her.” Fluttershy reassured him.

Granny Smith sighed in content. “Ooh, I’ve got to tell ya, I haven’t felt this alive since I almost landed in that little pool of water when Flim and Flam came back to town!”

Breaburn frowned. “When you almost died?”

“Exactly! Team, thank you for getting me back into the game.”

Applejack sighed. “Well, I’m glad that’s over. But when we drop you off at Ponyville, we need to keep lookin’ for Rainbow Dash. And never, under any circumstances, tell anypony about her disappearance… at least not yet. Especially not the Cutie Mark Crusaders. We don’t want to cause a panic and all before we know exactly what happened to her.”

Granny Smith nodded. “Now don’t you worry, youngin'. My lips are sealed. I’ll get the girls and the food ready and all that jazz. Y’all just be careful, alright?”

“Hey, are we gonna party or what?” A deep voice said.

Everyone looked over and saw the green mare hanging upside down on a pole. Groans filled the bus.

Big Mac pulled over in front of a church, and Applejack pushed her out.

Later, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich stood outside of the building where Rainbow was previously held. Soarin poked out of the fifth story window that Rainbow had jumped out  of. The glass had been shattered.

“That’s impossible!” Soarin shouted. “There’s no way she could have jumped out of this window with a cramped wing! It’s too high!”

“Hey, Soarin, that ledge actually turns the corner and runs along the side of the building towards the fire escape!” Pinkie called.

“That’s it!” Soarin exclaimed. “She must’ve gone through the window onto the ledge, tight roped her way around and made her escape!” He grinned. “Our kids are going to be SEAL Team 6 Members!”

“Wait a second,” Cheese said, bringing a hoof to his chin. “If Rainbow’s just walking around free as a… Pegasus… why hasn’t she called?”

“Maybe she got hungry,” Soarin shouted back. He frowned. “Or….Or maybe you should just shut it, Cheese!”

“It’s a valid question, Soarin!”

Fluttershy gulped and spoke up timidly. “Soarin, there’s something you should know…” She gave a deep sigh. “Rainbow and I…”

“WHOA, silence, woman!” Pinkie shouted suddenly. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, I’m.. getting something…” Random parts of Pinkie’s body started to quiver. “Scratchy back, eye flutter, knee twitch, itchy nose… what does that mean?”

Cheese placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Maybe it means--!”

Suddenly, hundreds of images flashed through their minds at whirring speed, all sorts of sounds and words echoing throughout their brains.

“You are marrying one tough broad there. She even busted out some Muay Thai in the hallway before she flew out the window…window…window…”

Rainbow dropped kicked several guards in her way, and threw a chair out the window nearby. Next to her, she noticed a garbage chute that would guarantee that nopony would think to look for her there.

Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich gasped.

“WHOA!”

“Oh my GOSH!”

“Now THAT was a doozy!”

“A SPECTACULAR doozy!”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Soarin called. Fluttershy looked equally confused.

Cheese looked up at Soarin and then at Pinkie. “I think we just had a… vision of some kind! It must have been her Pinkie sense and my Cheesy sense combined! It must have been the wedding vibe off of Rainbow that triggered my sense, and I guess it exploded when it came in contact with Pinkie’s!” He exclaimed.

Soarin scratched his head. “In English?”

Pinkie squealed happily. “We know where she is!”

Under the hotel, The three ponies, along with the janitor neared the door that led to where the garbage chute lead. The janitor pony turned the key, and started to open the door. Soarin stopped him. “That’s okay, I—I got it from here, buddy. I—I’d like my face to be the first thing she sees.”

The janitor nodded, and waved to them as he left. Soarin dramatically opened the door with a broad grin on his face. “Baby!” He was immediately decked in the face. “Ohh,” he moaned, as he fell to the floor. The ponies behind him winced.

Rainbow Dash gasped, and immediately helped Soarin up. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

Soarin blinked as he stared into Rainbow’s concerned face. “..Was that… a spinning back hoof?”

Rainbow shrugged. “Yeah,” she said casually.

Soarin gazed at her intensely. “My God I love you.” He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her passionately.

“How’d you know I was here?” Rainbow asked when they broke off.

Soarin smiled. “Pinkie and Cheese,” he said fondly, looking over at the two smiling party ponies with immense gratitude. “They had a doozy. And I gotta say, it was a pretty spectacular one.”

“Aww, shucks!” They said in unison.

“Looks like I owe you guys one,” Rainbow Dash chuckled.

“I’m never letting you out of my sight again,” Soarin sighed.

Rainbow poked a hoof at Soarin’s chest. “Deal. But not before the wedding.” Her eyes widened. “Oh my gosh! What time is it!?”

Fluttershy nodded. “We’ve got less than two hours, and we have a lot of work to do.” She grabbed Rainbow’s hoof. “You’re coming with us..” She turned to Soarin. “See you at the Academy!” With that, the three mares bounded down the hallway.

“Guard her with your life!” Soarin called after them. “That’s not hyperbole!” He walked over to Cheese and wrapped his arm around d his shoulders. “Thanks, man. I owe you one.”

“Aw, no need. It’s what friends do.”

Soarin grinned. “Let’s go grab the fellas and suit up!”

Soarin rode the descending escalator in a crisp white tux, feeling pretty smooth. One by one, each best stallion descended their way to the lobby wearing black tux’s… except for Cheese Sandwich, who came down last, wearing nothing but a bright red speedo and some floaties.

“Judas Priest, Cheese!” Soarin exclaimed as the rest of the ponies waited for Cheese to come off the escalator. “What the hay are you wearing?!”

Cheese blinked. “Oh…When you said, ‘Suit up’, I immediately thought of the pool near the wedding, and I thought you meant…”

Soarin threw his hooves in the air. “Why would I possibly mean that?”

“Well, my ‘suit’ suit is on the bus.”

Soarin grabbed Cheese as soon as he stepped off the escalator. “Change on the way, come on!”

Cheese felt a shiver run up and down his spine. He looked at the future groom. “Oh, by the way, I think I might know where Herbal is too…”

Herbal was sitting in the first row of the theatre where Sapphire Shores was supposedly having a concert. It was cancelled at the last minute, so the place had three or four ponies wandering the theater.

A shadow fell over him. He looked up to see Soarin, of all ponies, standing over him wearing a white tux. “Did you miss me?” Soarin smirked.

“Not particularly!”

Soarin grabbed the piece of wooden plank that Herbal was hoofcuffed to and dragged him outside. “Y-you know, I really gotta pee,” Herbal stammered.

Soarin rolled his eyes. “Well, try not to think of a warm summer’s rain.” With that, he pushed him inside the parked party bus. “Big Mac, take me to my wedding!” He said happily.

Little did the Stallions know, Axe’s two nephews were watching them from a distance. The first nephew smirked as he spoke into his phone. “Uncle Axe? Get ready to be happy.”

I Now Pronounce You...

Twilight Sparkle groaned as she sat in front of the mirror in her bridesmaids dress. “Oh, I can feel my heartbeat in my face,” She said.

The girls were getting ready for the wedding in one of the powder rooms in the Wonderbolts trainee area. Fluttershy, who sat next to her, gave her a pat on the back. “Well, you did have at least six shots of cider last night.” She turned to Rainbow Dash who was in the middle of getting her makeup done by Rarity. “How are you feeling?” The shy pony asked.

“Good.” She opened one eye with a smile as Rarity applied eyeshadow. “Well, considering. I guess I just needed a little me time. The truth is… I never panicked, not even once… not because I’m cool like that—although I am—I knew that Soarin was gonna have my back. And then, it hit me! Soarin’s always gonna have my back. And I never have to worry about losing him.”

“Unless his flank gets shot,” Fleetfoot said from the back of the room. Spitfire threw her a glare. “But y-you know what, but that’s why we’re wearing those new bullet proof vests now,” Fleetfoot said quickly.

The Captain of the Wonderbolts rolled her eyes, and smiled at Rainbow. “You have to know you make him… so happy. I’ve never seen him this full of life and… hope.”

Rainbow smiled at her mentor.

Princess Cadence, who had come in to see if everything ran smoothly, was braiding Pinkie’s hair. She looked up and smiled. “Look, it’s going to be hard,” She said truthfully. “I mean, there will be days that you just want to hop on a chariot to the south of Prance, and meet a young winemaker on a bicycle.” She started to stare off into space. “Oh, and all he wants to do is cook for you and make love…”

She stopped, and looked around the room, noticing the strange looks that the others were giving her. She cleared her throat.

“But… then… oh…” She smiled softly. “There will be those days when you are sick in bed, and he’ll rub your hooves. Or he’ll try to make you eggs Florentine from a recipe that he got from a book…. Oh, or that day when he walks into your hospital room holding your newborn foal, and he will lay him gently on your chest. And he tells you that you look beautiful even though you know you look like Tartarus frozen over.”

The mares laughed at this.

“…And it’ll all be worth it.”

Rainbow sniffled, and hastily wiped away a tear. “D-Darn it… now you got me actin’ all sappy, and the wedding hasn't even started!"

Rarity moaned. “Rainbow Dash! Don’t touch your face, you’ll ruin it! Now hold still!”

“Don’t stick that in my eye!”

“I’m not stick—here, look up? Yes, right there, don’t move. Luckily for you, I thought to bring waterproof mascara.”

Pinkie pie, after her hair was finished, yanked on the zipper of Applejack’s dress. “Er.. oh! It’s stuck!” She huffed.

The farm pony groaned in discomfort. “Unghh… I don’t think this is gonna work, sugar cube... Neh!”

Pinkie repeatedly tried to get the zipper to go up. “Yes it will… oh… suck it in, A.J.!”

“I’m… ugh… tryin’! Ow!”

“Come on, A.J., don’t give up on me!!!”

Rarity looked at them, and shook her head. “Take a short break, Rainbow,” she said. The Pegasus sighed in relief as Rarity went over to her two struggling friends. “Step aside, Pinkie,” She instructed. Pinkie sighed and moved away from the zipper as Rarity took a hold of it.

“Now let me see… uhh… Applejack, suck in your stomach!”

“I am! Oww! Hey, not so rough, now!”

“Well, if you haven’t eaten that whole buffet, this wouldn’t be a problem!”

“I can’t breathe!”

“One cannot breathe, one cannot eat!!”

Just then, Rarity’s phone rang. She let Pinkie take over while she looked at the caller I.D. She groaned. “How is my parole officer calling when I’m trying to put ponies’ faces on?” She said with a whine. She put the phone to her ear. “What do you want, Clarisse?”

Outside, the Stallions were getting ready inside of the party bus. Soarin was going over his vows. “And I promise never to clone your cell phone. My princess.”  He finished.

Spike chuckled in approval. “There it is,” He said with a grin. “Now it sings.” He stood up, and clipped a rose to Soarin’s tux.

“I hope you drafted a preen up,” Herbal said to him.

“Shut up, Herb,” Soarin said. “If you knew the pure, universal love that I have surrendered to, you wouldn’t worry about money.”

“I thought I knew that love,” Thunderlane said, straightening his mane in the mirror. “Turns out I mistook it for a soulless concubine who cheated on me 12 times with ten stallions.” Everyone looked at him strangely. “What? I have a natural part. Why fight it? Besides, I think Rarity might be in to me. You think she’s in to me?”

The others shrugged and turned back to their activities.

Soarin smiled as he watched his friend spray cologne on himself. The, he walked over and sprayed some on Soarin. He coughed. “A-Alright. *Cough* thanks… I-I’m good *Cough* "

Thunderlane straightened Soarin’s tie. “Sorry about what happened, man. I had way to much cider last night. I already apologized to the girls, but for some reason, they were already cool with it.”

Soarin smiled as he patted him on the shoulder. “There’s nothing to forgive, man. Besides, I think some of the girls had a few problems with the cider too.”

Thunderlane nodded. He gave him a slap on the back. “I’m proud of you man.”

Soarin chuckled softly. “Thanks dude.” They exchanged a double hoof bump.

“What I’m asking for here is a favor,” Spitfire said, holding Rarity’s phone to her ear. “I mean, Rarity is one of the maids of honor.”

Rarity huffed. “What kind of a parole are you, Clarisse?” Rarity yelled beside Spitfire. “I could have lied my tail off— " Spitfire moved away from the furious unicorn while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash held her to the couch. “You’re just jealous because I’m a full-figured pony! You’re starving, you’re hungry!”

Spitfire continued to try to negotiate with the parole officer on the other side of the phone. “Now, as I was saying, I can personally guarantee that she will not leave my sight or touch another designer purse for the remainder of the evening…” She scowled. “Well, what is good enough…” She lowered the phone from her ear, and glared at it. “Said the Captain of the Wonderbolts!”

Outside, the stallions were on the fake lawn where the wedding was going to take place. The altar was set, the musicians were rehearsing, the guests had arrived, the tables and chairs were up, and the food was almost fully prepared. Soarin however, was panicking.  Braeburn and Cheese Sandwich were with him, along with Herbal, still hoofcuffed to a piece of the bedpost.

“The priest isn’t answering his phone,” He moaned. “Apparently, no one has seen him since May Day! What am I gonna do now?” Both Braeburn and Cheese shrugged.

“I’m licensed,” Herbal said.

“Zip it! Wait what?”

“I’m a licensed justice of the Peace. I could marry you.”

Soarin frowned. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Because you keep telling me to shut up and you hoofcuffed me to a bedpost and a pole.” Herbal said a matter of factly.

Soarin grinned. “I could kiss you right now.”

Herbal shrugged. “Alright.”

Soatin gleefully took the bedpost that he was chained to. “Come with me!” He said, dragging him away. Cheese and Braeburn watched them go.

“Fortuitous.” Cheese commented. The Appleloosan nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

An hour later, the guests were seated, and the musicians started playing. The wedding was about to begin. Most of the guests were Wonderbolts, and others were from Ponyville. Rainbow’s Mother sat in the front. Celestia and Luna were near the back so that others could see. Even Discord attended, looking bored already. Twilight Sparkle raced down the stairs that were behind where the guests were sitting, when she bumped into Bulk Biceps. “Bulk!” She exclaimed. “Why are you still wearing that?”

“I had to come straight from my other gig. Nice day, huh?”

Twilight nodded, then looked around. “Where’s your marefriend?” She asked.

The muscular pony bit his lip. “I didn’t get a plus one.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow as they made their way to the altar. “Huh.”

Herbal stood at the front of the altar chained to the gate behind him, with Rapidfire standing beside him. A white blob fell from the sky, and landed on the shoulder pad of the Wonderbolt’s suit. Herbal looked at it, disgusted. Rapidfire glanced over at him. “What?” Then, he noticed the mess that was splattered on his shoulder. His face immediately turned green. ”Oh, son of a…”

Soarin and the rest of the stallions walked over to them, taking their respective places. Sorin raised an eyebrow at Rapidfire’s tux. The white pony simply shook his head. “Don’t even ask.” The CMC hopped down the aisle, throwing pedals at all directions, waving to everyone as they passed. By the end of the aisle, Sweetie Belle still had a lot of pedals in her basket. She groaned in frustration, and dumped the rest of the pedals on the carpet where she stood, and shuffled away.

The bridesmaids came next. Fluttershy and Twilight strolled down the aisle elegantly. Pinkie simply bounced the whole way. Applejack had managed to fit in the dress, but walked inch by inch, looking constipated. Fleetfoot strutted down the aisle, still wearing her sunglasses.

Rarity and Spitfire were last, wearing fake smiles as they walked side by side. “Okay, here we go,” Spitfire whispered, grinning at everyone they passed.

“Is this really necessary?” Rarity asked through her teeth with a wide smile.

“Just smile and we’ll get through this,” The Wonderbolt replied. Both mares were cuffed to each other by Spitfire’s left hind leg, and Rarity’s right hind leg.

“She’s not even here,” Rarity grumbled.

“Hmmm.”

Ponies looked on curiously, but smiled nonetheless.

The two ponies stood beside the other mares as the musicians started playing the wedding march. Everyone stood. Rainbow Dash appeared, beaming. Soarin’s breath caught in his throat. She looked absolutely… stunning. Her wedding dress looked like it was made out of clouds with golden accents. Her mane was braided to the side, and her wedding veil blew softly in the breeze on top of her head it wasn’t the kind that covered up her face, and Soarin was glad that it didn’t. There wasn’t too much makeup on her face, which looked so natural on her. Her magenta eyes popped, and her face seemed to be glowing. She beamed at Soarin as her father walked up next to her, looking very emotional, but proud.

Soarin’s grin disappeared as quickly as it came when he saw dark figures emerging behind Rainbow. “What the hay?” He quickly reached into his left wing, and pulled out his gun. “Everypony get down! Rainbow, hit the deck!” Some of the guests started shouting in alarm.

Axe Ritzo and his crew appeared, guns drawn. Rainbow tackled her Dad to the ground just as the mobsters started shooting.

It was chaos.

The guests from Ponyville dropped to the ground, covering their ears. Granny Smith crouched over the CMC, who were screaming. Thunderlane yelled at Braeburn, Cheese, and Big Mac to get down, to which they gladly complied. Spitfire quickly brought Rarity and Fluttershy to the ground while Fleetfoot stood in front of Applejack and Pinkie Pie, shooting her own gun. The other Wonderbolts did the same, which included the musicians and the bakers. Even the trainees started firing.

Twilight leapt out in front of Spike, and started firing magic, along with Cadence, Luna, and Celestia. Herbal shrunk back, and trembled against the gate. He closed his eyes. “I’m not here. I’m not here.” The war raged on behind him. “I’m in my happy place. I’m in my happy place. I’m in space camp!”

Discord laughed, and conjured up a stack of Pies with the snap of his claws. “Now this is a wedding!” He cackled, throwing pies into the Hench ponies’ faces.

“They’re all drawing!” Shouted one.

“Of course they are!” The other yelled back. “It’s a Wonderbolt wedding!” Several Hench Ponies were taken down. Soon, they were outnumbered, and stopped shooting. Multiple guns were aimed at them.

“Don’t move, put it down!” A Wonderbolt shouted.

The first nephew put down his gun, and raised his hooves. Axe growled beside him. “You coward,” He spat.

“Freeze, Ritzo!” Soarin shouted from the altar. Ritzo paused, and started to run. “Biceps!”  Soarin shouted.

“I got him!” Bulk said, racing after him. As he bounded up the stairs, his pants ripped off. Several guests exclaimed in horror.

“Great Caesar's ghost!” Soarin gagged.

Cheese squinted his eyes as he and his friends got back up. “That’s… that’s happening.” At the top of the stairs, Bulk easily tackled Axe to the ground.

“Call me!” A mare shouted. Applejack was laughing uncontrollably. The security swarmed over Axe, apprehending him. Rainbow Dash and her dad emerged from some bushes.

“You guys okay?” Soarin called. Rainbow gave him a hearty nod. Her Dad smiled shakily as he straightened his suit and exhaled. He nodded.

Soarin grinned as he looked around. The guests seemed to have recovered. The CMC were now laughing, saying how awesome that was, mainly Scootaloo. “Now,” He said. “Where were we?”

“Rainbow Jennifer Dash,” Soarin said minutes later, staring into her eyes. “You have given me something to believe in, even stronger than the NRA’s code of ethics. You’re awesome. I love you. Now, and for all eternity.”

Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich smiled at them from their seats. “I hope there’s an open bar,” Granny Smith mumbled.

Applejack glanced over at her Granny. “Bar? Shoot, I’m hungry.”

“Soarin,” Herbal said. “Do you take Rainbow Dash to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Soarin grinned. “I do.”

“And Rainbow Dash, do you take Prince Soarin to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“You bet your flank I do,” Rainbow smiled.

Herbal grinned. “Then by the power vested in me by an online course I took last year doing jury duty, I now pronounce you mare and colt. You may kiss the bride!” Soarin started to lean forward, but Rainbow practically tackled him in a passionate kiss. Everyone cheered, clopping their hooves on the ground. There was a clash thunder overhead.

Rainbow revved up the motorcycle that she and her new husband were on. Before she took off, she threw the bouquet of flowers backwards before speeding off into the distance with Soarin holding onto her from behind.

Rarity and a handful of other mares leapt for the flowers, but Braeburn quickly snatched them up. Everyone gave him strange looks. He looked around. “What? There’s a girl I got my eye on, I’m not taking any chances!”

Epilogues Are For Eggheads

The reception party was in full swing. Rainbow and Soarin held up both of their hoofs as ponies danced through between them. When Rapidfire came through, and was dancing a little close to Rainbow, Soarin tapped him on the shoulder, and jerked his hoof the other way. The Wonderbolt shrugged and continued dancing somewhere else.

Since Rainbow Dash had such special ties with Ponyville, they agreed to have the reception there, so that all of their Ponyville friends as well as their Cloudsdale friends would be able to attend. Twilight had offered up her castle, to which they all agreed. She certainly had the room for it.

So here, in Twilight’s castle, ponies young and old danced to the music, having a great time.

Cheese shimmied down on the dance floor.  He spotted Caramel walk p to Applejack, who was at the buffet table. “Hi!” He shouted over the music.

The farm pony nodded and smiled. “Howdy!” she shouted back.

“Wanna dance?” He asked.

Applejack’s emerald eyes blinked in surprise. Then she shrugged good naturedly. “Sure, why not?”

Cheese grinned as the two made their way to the dance floor. “Come on, son.”

He then spotted Pinkie Pie sitting alone at a table eating chocolate cake, bobbing her head to the music. Cheese quickly walked over to her. “Hey! Nopony puts Pinkie in the corner!”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “Nopony put me here, silly! I like this chair!”

“Then what are you doing here sitting all alone? Will you please Wang Chang with me? Will ya?”

Pinkie pointed a hoof at him. “In a sec. I promise. But right now, I’m eating this cake. I love cake.” Her tone turned serious. “You know I love cake. I deserve this, darn it.”

Cheese nodded. “Well, at least have the decency to wash it down with a fresh flute of…” He pointed to a drink on the table. “What is that?”

“Sarsaparilla. It gives you extra sass.”

“Or three.”

“I accept.” She shivered, and wrapped her arms around her body. “And I’m freezing!”

Cheese blinked, and walked behind her, taking off his jacket, and putting it on Pinkie. “Better put your arms in or you won’t be able to lose them!” He said.

Pinkie gratefully slid her arms in the jacket, and wrapped it around herself. “Thanks, Cheesie!”

Photo Finish, who had been watching, went over to them, and poised her camera. Cheese looked up. “Oh!” He hugged Pinkie from behind. “Pinks! And with absolutely no pun intended—say cheese or something.”

Pinkie noticed the camera. “Oh! Cheese or something!” They smiled as a bright flash of light temporarily stole their field of vision.

Photo smiled. “Oh, yesh. Perfect, you two, perfect. I go!” And with that, she trotted away.

Cheese rubbed his eyes, and sat down next to his partner. “We did good today, didn’t we?” He said with a warm smile.

Pinkie returned the smile, and nodded. “Yeah… we sure did.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sipped their punch next to the refreshments table. “You see any boys you think are cute yet?” Sweetie Belle yelled.

Applebloom shook her head. “Negative. There ain’t enough boys to go around! All the good ones are taken!”

“What abooout… Snails?”

“Bleh! No!”

“Snips?”

“No way, hose!”

Sweetie turned to the young Pegasus beside her. “What about you, Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo made a face. “Ew, no! I’m not risking any cooties! The only boy I’d be interested is a real cool stunt pony with a bunch of gnarly tattoos.” Then she smirked deviously. “What about you, Sweetie Belle? That guy Button Mash likes you a lot.”

The unicorn’s cheeks turned pink. “N-No he doesn’t,” She stuttered.

Applebloom raised her eyebrows. “What makes you say that? I mean, you like him, don’t you?”

Sweetie Belle rubbed her for leg. “He’s kinda cute I guess… and we both like video games… but we’re already good friends, and I don’t wanna ruin that.”

Scootaloo looked out of the corner of her eye. “Well, at least you can talk to him. He’s coming this way.”

Sweetie whirled around. “What?!?” She squeaked.

“See you around Sweetie!” Applebloom sang cheerfully, dashing over to her big brother.

“Yeah, see ya!” Scootaloo said, heading over to the opposite direction.

Sweetie Belle blinked rapidly. “Huh? Wait!” She turned to see Button galloping over to her. “D-oh!”

Scootaloo made her way over to Rainbow Dash, who was slouched on the floor, exhausted from all the dancing. Soarin was a few feet away from her, sleeping on the floor with his head on a few napkins. Rainbow noticed her adoptive sister and gave a tired smile. “Hey, Scoots.” She patted a spot on the floor next to her, and the young filly quickly sat down.

She wrapped her arms around her mentor. “I’m so happy for you, Rainbow Dash! How was your vacation?”

Rainbow looked down at her in confusion. “Vacation?” She suddenly realized that was what someone must’ve told them when she was taken. She smiled. “O-Oh, yeah, my vacation.” She shrugged. “It was so-so. Now that I’m married and all, it’s not gonna change a thing. You know I’m always gonna be there for you, right?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Mmm-hmm.”

She ruffled the filly’s mane fondly. “I’m really proud of you, Scoots.” She playfully nudged her in the shoulder. “Earning your cutie mark and all.” She said with a wink.

Scootaloo beamed, and looked down at her cutie mark, which was obscured from view by her flower girl dress. “Yeah,” She sighed happily. “About time we all got them. I was beginning to think that we’d never get our marks! But now that we have, I’m focusing on other things… like learning new tricks on my scooter!” She said excitedly.

Rainbow nodded in approval, and nuzzled her affectionately. “You’re gonna go far, kid.”

Spitfire, Fleetfoot, and Rapidfire stood together, surveying the party. “I’d say that this was a success,” Fleetfoot announced, sipping her drink.

Spitfire rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t exactly call this whole thing a success.”

“Eh, It coulda been worse.”

“And it could have gone better.”

Rapidfire cut in. “Hey, we’re alive, we’re kickin’, we’re partyin’. I’d say this is a good night. You had fun, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess?”

Fleetfoot pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “I got a sweet present for them. I got them on Survivor.”

Spitfire almost choked. “The-The T.V. show?”

“Yeah!”

Rapidfire laughed. “You are so dead.”

Fleetfoot narrowed her eyes. “Oh, yeah? What did you get them?”

Rapidfire straightened the labels of his jacket. “Money,” He said, obviously very pleased with himself.

Fleetfoot scoffed. “Oh, yeah, great present,” She said sarcastically. “If you were they’re uncle.”

Rapidfire frowned. “You’re a riot, Fleet.” He said dryly. He turned to their captain. “What are you getting them?” he asked.

“I’m getting Soarin a free pie certificate for a year,” She said nonchalantly. “Oh, and I’m making Rainbow Dash a Wonderbolt.”

Rapidfire and Fleetfoot’s mouths hung open. “Seriously?” Fleetfoot  exclaimed.

“Yep.”

The other Wonderbolts grinned. “Well, about time!” Rapidfire laughed.

“Now, that’s a present.” Fleetfoot nodded.

Spitfire shrugged. “Hey, she’s one of us.” She said, walking over to the tables, her crew at her heels.

Rapidfire snickered. “Heck, she’s been one of us!”

“Yeah, what took so long?” Fleetfoot asked.

Spitfire looked back at them, her eyes peeking out above her sunglasses. She smiled. “She wasn’t old enough yet.”

The two ponies looked at each other.  “Ohh,” They said in unison.

Spitfire kept walking. “I’m announcing it at the toasting at 8:10.”

Fleetfoot looked at her watch. “It’s 8:09 now.”

Twilight Sparkle stood up on a table, tapping her spoon on her glass cup with her magic. “Attention, everypony, attention!”

The Wonderbolts smirked at each other. Spitfire adjusted her shades. “It’s Showtime.”

Rainbow Dash looked up as she saw ponies gathering to the tables. She and Scootaloo stood up, and went over to Soarin. Rainbow nudged him. “Hey. Hey, wake up!”

Soarin stirred, and opened his eyes. “Hmmm?”

Rainbow smiled. “Up and at 'em, champ. The toasting’s about to start.”

Soarin groaned, and rose to his hooves. “Why you gotta be so ru-"

“Soarin,” Rainbow said dangerously.

Soarin grinned. “Just kidding.”  He reached down, and scooped up Scootaloo. “Ready commander?”

“Ready, cadet!” Scoots chirped, her wings buzzing. Grinning from ear to ear, Rainbow walked beside Soarin with Scootaloo on his back towards the tables.