Ponies; Live and Reloaded: Everypony's Bad Coat Day

by Dragonborne Fox

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy
Length: 1525

A squirrel loses something in a game he's well-aware he's inside of. When he comes to, he sees something doesn't quite fit...

A squirrel, well aware he's in a game, loses a completed save file and passes out. When he comes to, he finds six creatures that literally don't belong in this game world. Commence with the adult-themed joking, money-grabbing, swear-riddled story of a lifetime, because in Ponies; Live and Reloaded, nothing is sacred!

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Conker's Bad Fur Day/Live and Reloaded crossover, with dark, mature, and comedic elements playing out heavily in later chapters. We're all going to die. Props for Solar Flare and BlasterKyubey in Skype for the idea!

Published 2014-10-28 16:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-28 16:00:06 UTC

Intro

Ponies, Live and Reloaded: Everypony’s Bad Coat Day
Written by Dragonborne Fox

A red squirrel with big blue eyes, white gloves, red shoes and a blue jacket sighed and shook his head disapprovingly, resting a cheek on a hand as he leaned to the side of a throne’s arm. He looked around him, golden crown shifting on his head a bit, and the black room with hardly a torch was empty. Even the red carpet extending before him didn’t help matters; the place felt dead. Hand resting on the other arm, he tapped his fingers impatiently.

Eyes narrowing as the doors at the end of the room opened, he found a weasel in armor walking to him with a glass of milk. “More milk, sire?” The weasel asked.

“Not right now, but thanks for the offer.” The squirrel replied, sighing afterwards. “I’ll call you when I want a drink.”

“Alright, sire.” The weasel replied, turning around and walking out. The doors closed behind him, and the squirrel sighed again.

“What am I gonna do…?” The squirrel murmured, blinking as he saw a white hand appear before him, as well as a board depicting letters, numbers, and even time. The hand pointed to the first bunch, which also had the word ‘complete’ marking it. “Oh, I see you’ve played the game a while. You wanna play that save file...alright…” The squirrel murmured as the hand tapped it. Only one word appeared before the board.

‘Delete.’

The squirrel’s eyes widened as big as dinner plates. “Hey, w-what are you doing?! No, don’t hit that button!” He cried, jumping out of the throne chair and rushing to the board. The hand disobeyed, pushing that exact button he didn’t want pressed. “NO! NO!” The squirrel cried, but it was too late.

A flash appeared before his eyes, a sight-numbingly bright flash at that. The squirrel felt something escape him as he passed out, but he was unable to tell exactly what in his unconscious mind.

Chapter One- WHAT THE FUCK?!

The squirrel awoke with a start, the world spinning slowly as he came to. He found himself on a small patch of land with two water streams on either side, and next to him was a fence with tilled dirt and a scarecrow. This time, though, he found himself surrounded by six horse-like creatures of every damned spectrum of the rainbow (with one having rainbow hair to boot!). Two had horns, two had wings, and they even had tattoos on their asses.

The squirrel, holding his head as a headache made itself known, groaned as he stumbled to his feet. He reached into his pocket and produced a small white tablet, and had inexplicably produced a glass of water as well. He dropped the tablet into the glass and watched the water turn a fizzy white. Downing it and feeling much better, he now noticed the horses were all looking at him with concern, and they were a bit taller than he was.

“Okay,” The squirrel started, “I could make a list of some of the weird shit I’ve seen in my days. Flower tits, an alien, and even a literal piece of shit of a bad guy. But this? You horses? This is on top of that fucking list.”

“Oh my,” Spoke one of those with a horn, pristine white coat and curled royal mane and elegant feminine voice, “such foul language!”

“We’re not horses, by the way.” Spoke the other with a horn, purple pelt and eyes and dark blue-purple mane with a fuschia streak present. “We’re ponies.”

“Talking ponies, with more colors than an artist’s paints to boot. Alright, I think I got the memo now. So, who’re you and how’d you get here?”

“I’m Pinkie Pie!” Started one who lacked horn and wing, pink all over her body. “I was playing your game and accidentally deleted a save file! It seems like the programmers brought us here!”

“That...would explain a lot, actually.” The squirrel sighed. “Continue.”

“My name is Rarity.” The white unicorn stated.

“Twilight Sparkle.” Said the purple one.

“Rainbow Dash.” Spoke the pegasus with the colorful mane.

“F-Fluttershy…” Spoke the other pegasus, butter yellow body and long pink mane.

“Applejack.” Spoke the last one, orange body with blond mane and a Stetson on her head.

“Your name’s Conker, right? I just wanna be sure I’m right.” Pinkie said, grinning slightly.

“Yep. Don’t wear it out.” Conker replied, sighing.

“Conker,” The scarecrow began, catching everyone’s immediate attention. “You know you’re supposed to follow the tutorial first.”

“I would, but it seems the game got buggy with these ponies here. I blame the programmers.” Conker replied, pointing a finger at the six for reference. The scarecrow turned to him, and then he saw what it was he had been talking about.

“I see. Carry on.” The scarecrow replied.

“Thanks, Birdy.” Conker said, waving to the scarecrow who then nodded back. He then threw his hands to the sky and proceeded to shout, “Damn you, developers! Damn you to hell!”

“So...what do we do?” Twilight asked, brow arched.

“Hey, I think I see the narrator over there...I don’t think she’s a programmer, though.” Conker said, pointing to the big blue sky above that was much covered by a cliff.

“What’re you talking about? I don’t see anything.” Rainbow Dash remarked, looking to the sky as well.

“I think that’s just a quirk they gave me. The narrator’s a...unicorn, I think.” Conker sighed, shaking his head.

“I still don’t see anything.” Rainbow Dash sighed, shaking her head as well.

“How about this: you guys complete the levels in my place, and I’ll sit here trying to negotiate with the developers and the narrator to figure out a way to get you guys back to your home. Do we have a deal?” Conker said, crossing his arms.

“Well, seeing that we have no other option, I guess it’s a deal.” Twilight said. “So, where do we go first?”

“Go to the end of the waterfall over yonder, and you’ll notice ledges poking out of the cliffs, similar to a broken winding staircase. On a ledge is a door. Go in there, get the key, get to the giant gargoyle, and use that key to unlock a door beyond the cave the gargoyle guards. From there, let me just say it’s up to you.” Conker answered, pointing to the far-off aforementioned cliff ledges. Indeed, there stood a door beyond one ledge, and above that was a bridge with a big stone gargoyle. How it managed to not break the bridge, given its sheer bulk alone, was a miracle.

“Alright.” Applejack said, turning to the area the waterfall supposedly ended. The current was fierce; it would certainly force any swimmers towards the drop. She looked at Twilight. “Hey, could you make us a boat?”

“Sure thing.” Twilight said, and before Conker knew it, she made a boat appear out of thin air, enough to hold four ponies. The wingless ones of the lot hopped in, and ropes were tied around Rainbow and Fluttershy. The pegasi began flying and they pulled the boat, swaying it to an edge of land near the waterfall before it could pull the boat away. The group either flew or jumped the ledges, going to the door half-way and retrieving the key beyond (after hitting it with a rock because it jumped about in a panic.)

The six then climbed to the bridge, where sure enough, the big (read: chubby) gargoyle waited for them. It looked at them and scoffed.

“You’re not the red squirrel. Buzz off.” It said, smiling. Twilight’s horn glowed, and from thin air came a frying pan that was soon slapped across a stone claw. “Hah! A frying pan!” The creature laughed, slowly leaning to the side of the bridge as it stood up on its back legs. “You stupid little…” Before it could finish, it lost its balance and fell off the bridge, landing smack near the waterfall’s veil.

As it crashed, a big boulder blocked off the cave-hole leading to the next area. Twilight looked at the rock and groaned, her hoof connecting with her face.

“How are we going to get past that rock now?” Rarity bemoaned, eyelids slanting in worry. Pinkie jumped to the rock, then atop it, to get to another ledge made of wood. Waiting for the pink pony was a plunger--with dynamite.

“Hey, I think I found out how to move this rock!” Pinkie exclaimed, pulling the plunger up before slamming it back down with her front hooves. A few second passed before the rock broke into a thousand or so pieces as an explosion occurred right behind it.

Applejack yawned, putting a hoof over her mouth. “I dunno about you, but I’m mighty tired…” She remarked.

Pinkie returned to the group and also covered her mouth to yawn. “I am too.” She sighed.

“Let’s get some shut-eye. We’ll sort this out in the morning…” Twilight agreed, and the group trudged their way to the cavern’s mouth. Before they could cross to the other side, they all collapsed and fell fast asleep.