Royal Pain

by chief maximus

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Gilda, Other, Slice of Life
Length: 2792

After taking in a Wonderbolt show to patch up their friendship, Gilda lets Dash in on a little secret that would change the way she looked at her foalhood friend forever.

After her brief stint as a bodyguard, Gilda decides it's time to settle down into the family business, as her father kept insisting. She had thought about it often enough, but now that she and Dash are tight again, Gilda decides to let her oldest pal in on a little secret she's been hiding since they met.

Her father is the ruler of the Griffon Empire.

And Gilda is next in line to ascend to the throne.

A buddy comedy with Gilda and Dashie.

Published 2014-11-02 23:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-02 23:40:06 UTC

Gilda's Gilded Cage

Alright, so after the whole 'bodyguard' thing, Dash and I managed to patch things up. She admitted that the pink one was being a little clingy, and that while losing my shit on her friends wasn't the coolest thing I could have done, everything that happened wasn't entirely my fault. She felt pretty bad for just tossing me on my tail like that too, so all in all, we decided to forgive and forget. So we found ourselves outside the Cloudesium after the Wonderbolts show. It was awesome, as I knew it would be, and it was great to hang out with Dash just like our old times.

In fact... working odd jobs and depending on my own two talons gets old after a while, so I decided to let her in on a little secret I'd been keeping from her and... pretty much everyone else for a long time. That, and I recently got a letter from my Dad. He's not as young as he used to be, and he's been getting kinda sick lately. He wants all these 'assurances' that I'll take the throne when he passes it on or whatever, and to be honest, I've been putting it off.

"So, Dash... there's something I need to tell you."

She stopped mid-sip of her soda and stared at me. "...What?"

How do you even tell someone this? I mean, this definitely isn't something everybody goes through. "Well, it's something I've been hiding from you for a while, so I don't want you to get mad at me for keeping a secret, but it's time you knew the truth."

She searched my face before dropping her soda. "Aw, c'mon, you aren't coming out are you? Gah, why does everyone always come out to me? I mean, just because I have the sweetest mane ever and—"

I closed her mouth with a talon. "I'm not gay! And even if I was, I could get a much hotter mare than you."

"Pfft, you wish," Dash replied after I let go of her muzzle. "Anyway, what's the big secret? Are you a secret agent or something?"

Heh, well she wasn't far off. I do have secret agents that work for me. Well, technically for my Dad, but whatever.

"Well... I'm actually... royalty."

She laughed. I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't?

"Seriously? Quit playin'."

"I'm not playin'! My Dad is Emperor Syrell the sixteenth!"

"Right, and I'm Soarin's personal fluffer."

This part was always a pain in the ass. There were two ways to prove myself. The easy way, and the hard way.

"See this dagger?" I pulled the one my father gave me from between my primaries. There's only one of it, and if I showed it to any griffon, they'd know exactly what it means. Ponies though...

"Yeah, so what? It's just a fancy knife."

Only one option left, as usual...

"Okay, so do you promise not to get mad about how I'm going to prove to you I'm the Princess of the Griffon Empire?"

She narrowed her eyes at me, one eyebrow arching. "... yeah..."

"Cirrus!" I shouted as loud as possible. From an alleyway, two griffons in suits came flying in, blowing past ponies and knocking over carts and stuff... I forgot how fun it is to watch them do this sometimes!

They tackled Dash and checked her for weapons.

"Hey! Get your mitts off me!"

"Alright, that's enough." They stood her up as she ripped her legs away from them and ruffled her feathers back into place.

"Your highness, please try and only use the distress word in an actual emergency," sighed one of the agents.

"You let me worry about when I say words. Now, go back to being stealthy." They took off as I looked to Dash. "Well? Believe me now?"

"I mean... I guess getting tackled by strangers is evidence of... something." Her ears perked up. "Wait, so you did all that crazy stuff with Rarity, and your bodyguards just let you get your ass beat and almost die by changeling?"

I admit, just calling for my bodyguards would have made my previous adventure a lot easier, and a heck of a lot less painful. "Nah, they kinda lost track of me for a year or two in Canterlot. I bet my Dad was freaking out!" Yeah, as it turns out, more than a few bodyguards are in prison for not being able to find me during my little vacation... but hey, past is the past, right? It's not like me pardoning them would get them out of the dungeon! Well, I guess it would... anyway, long story short, they caught back up with me and are now back to stalking me.

"Anyway, the reason I wanted to tell you all this stuff, is that I kinda have to go back to the Empire, and I wanted to know if you would come hang out for a bit while I get settled in."

She looked at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead for like, five seconds.

"Heck yeah I will! That sounds awesome! It'll be just like old times!" Nice. Glad she was down, because the palace can get pretty lonely when your Dad is never around and the only paternal figure you have is an old griffon with a Jamarecan accent that made you help keep her ancient feathers straightened. Blegh.

Now all I needed to do was get on a train to the Empire without a huge deal being made out of it. Which is impossible for me, in case you were wondering. Why do you think I've been hanging out in the pony lands so much?

So... yeah. One of my oldest pals is the heir to the biggest empire in the sky or on the ground. Not exactly How I thought this Wonderbolt show would end, but still, pretty cool! I mean, I know I've spent time in palaces and crap with the pony Princesses, but the Griffon empire? Those dudes never come out of their palace! No wonder G didn't want to go back. I wouldn't want to be stuck in a stuffy mansion my whole life either.

Anyway, I was on board for the trip, all I had to do was see if I could get my hooves on the latest copy of Daring Do for the train ride over, and I'd be all set! So, as usual, I stopped by Twilight's.

"The Griffon Empire? Our occasional rival and skirmisher?" I hate it when she talks like this.

"Uh... I guess?"

"This is a perfect opportunity for you to learn as much as you can about their culture! They hardly let any ponies into their territory!" Is she just a broken record with all this 'learning' noise or what?

"I'm not going there to study Griffons. I'm going to rage with my friend, and that's pretty much it." You'd have thought I just run over Spike with an applecart if you could see her face. "Alright, I'll try to bring you back... something."

Now she looked like the goofily happy Twilight I remember. "Thank you, Rainbow! Try to get something from the palace, maybe some sensitive documents, or anything with the word 'secret' written on it."

That's not like her, but... "Sure, I'll try and do... that."

Yeah, Twilight can get kinda weird when she's trying to do the whole 'princess' thing. Apparently, she isn't just the princess of friendship. She's also the princess of reading too many secret agent books and thinking she's some kinda spymaster. I'm sure it's just a phase.

Anyway, next stop was my newest best friends place. I'm sure Applejack has some choice words for me wanting to hang out with my old pal who was less than nice to pretty much everyone in town.

"Howdy, Rainbow, what brings ya by?" She asked after I swooped down like an eagle from the heavens. Sorry, I've been getting someone's animal planet magazine in the mail and I've just never corrected the mailmare.

"Well, I ran into an old friend today."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you'll never guess who," I said as she lined up a tree behind those freaky powerful legs of hers.

"Gilda?" she laughed. Smarter than she looks.

"Actually... yeah." If the 'record skip' sound effect wasn't so played out, that would have been perfect here. She actually missed the tree with one hoof!

"What in tarnation are you still hangin' around with her for?"

I figured I'd have to explain this like a thousand times, so I might as well start from the top. "Look, she's not a bad griffon, she just had a rough day and went off when she shouldn't have. If you want more proof, talk to Rarity."

She adjusted her hat and scoffed. "Rarity?"

"Yeah, save the story for a rainy day. Anyway, you'll never guess what Gilda is."

"A jerk?" Smartass. Though she's got a point. Gilda can be kind of a bitch.

"Besides that." I paused for dramatic effect. I don't usually get down on the whole dramatics thing, but it's fun every now and again. "She's royalty."

"Pfft, land sakes, that's the best joke ah've heard all day!"

"Seriously! She's like the Emperor's daughter or something!"

"I'd buy royal pain, but royalty? Sounds like a stretch there, RD."

Well, this wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I know first impressions are the most lasting, but c'mon, what about second chances?

"I'm for real! She's been avoiding it for some reason, but she wants me to head back with her to help settle in! How dope would it be to live in a castle for a few weeks?"

"Dash, we can stay in a castle any time we want. Shoot, Twilight lives in one!"

Alright, she had me there.

"Yeah, but not a castle run by your best friend!"

"Uh... yeah, Twilight runs her own castle."

Shit. Since when was AJ this smart?

"Alright, screw it, I'm going to hang with Gilda."

"And you came all the way out here just to tell little old me?"

"You and one other pony." She knew who I was talking about. I hated that she had this dirt on me, but I can't pick who I want a piece of! Stupid sexy stallion.

"Geez, Why don't you just talk to him for more than five seconds?"

"Me?! I can't get him to talk! Why doesn't he say any words?"

"Because he likes you." She smirked. Sweet Celestia was she smug when it came to this stupid crush of mine. One it took her all of three seconds to figure out, by the way.

"Then I guess he likes everyone else in town too, because I never see him talking to anypony else."

"How often do you see him? You been followin' us to market or somethin'?"

Is she psychic too? Oh, and by the way, no, I wasn't following them to the market or whatever, if that's what you're thinking. I just happen to have the same weather patterns on the same day at the same time. Except on weekends when he has off.

"I'm not following you, just tell him I said hey and that I won't be making the showers for the orchards this week."

"Ah, well, I won't have to tell him, here he comes now. Tell him yourself."

Oh Celestia, she wasn't kidding! He's pulling that cart like there's nothing in it! And it's full of apples, for the record. "Catch ya later, RD."

No! You jerk, don't leave me alone! I swear she does this on purpose just to amuse herself. In no time at all, he was on top of me.

Not like that... unfortunately.

"Hey, Mac!" Oh no, I sounded like an idiot! Every. Single. Time I talk to him this happens!

"Howdy Ms. Rainbow."

Good, first hurdle cleared.

"So... uh... listen I won't be, uhm, bringing the clouds and making it rain for a few days..."

Making it rain?! As awesome as that would be, Mac is not a pole dancer! Why do I always forget how to talk around hot stallions! This exact same thing happened to me at the Gala with Soarin!

"Ah see. Well that's a shame."

It's a shame? As in, he would prefer the rain if I brought it? I knew it! I knew he wanted a slice of this! I mean, who could resist a well toned bod like this? Exactly, no one.

"You alright, Ms Dash?"

Oh no, what is it now?

"Alright? Yeah, I'm fine!"

He smiled. "You just look a little red, is all." Sweet Luna on the moon, that smile could melt an iceberg. Still, I needed to bail before I made an even bigger ass of myself.

"Well, anyway, I gotta... uhm... go." I took off before he had a chance to reply. Still, I think good progress was made. Thankfully, AJ is the only one who knows about my thing for Mac. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. 'Rainbow, you're supposed to be awesome at everything, how can some stallion turn you into Fluttershy in five seconds?' Well smartass, the answer is... I dunno. I just don't, okay! You know what, enough of your questions, I'm passing this back to Gilda.

...Okay, anyway, so fast forward a few days and Dash I are waiting at the train station. "So, I get the train station thing, but why didn't we need tickets?" She asked. Oh Dash, you ignorant slut. Yes, before you ask, that's a term of endearment.

"We don't need tickets because that's not our train." I said, pointing to the dull, sickeningly colored and heart shaped train that pulled out of the station pulled by a team of stallions, even though it had an engine at the front of the train. Ponies are weird.

Anyway now that the horse train had left, my train pulled into the station. And yeah, when I say my train, I mean my train. Another thing ponies may not realize about griffon culture is that we do love pageantry. But not in the way ponies like pageantry. More... military-ish.

The train pulled into the station, the steam from the engine covering the platform as my bodyguard regiment jumped from the train, clearing the platform of everyone but me and Dash. From an outsider's perspective, I could see why diplomatic relations with my country could be a bit intimidating.

Once the steam cleared, they had Dash on the ground at spearpoint, again. These guys can be such dorks sometimes.

"Let her up!" Yeah, so I'm gonna have to work on that with them. According to Pop, there's been some minor unrest in the empire lately. Leave it to him to overreact and send tons of heavily armed soldiers to come get me from a train station in the middle of nowhere. "Sorry about that, Dash." Say what you will about RD, but she's a good sport.

"Yeah, well I usually only expect rough treatment after they've taken me to dinner."

"Your grace, your train is ready." A nameless and faceless guard said. Before you get all indignant, they don't wear nametags, and their helmets cover their face. Anyway, now it was time to introduce my best bud to the reason I bailed on this whole thing in the first place. We stepped up the stairs and into the first car. The edges of the walls were plated with gold, one of those fancy chandeliers hung in the center of the car, and a bar fully stocked with every kind of liquor imaginable, the bar itself made of trees so rare you've never heard of them because we killed them all to make bars out of.

The couches in the car were stuffed with Doose down. What's a Doose? A cross between a duck and a goose bred specifically to stuff the royal couches.

"Dude... Gilda, this train is awesome!" Dash said, finding the shortest path to the bar.

So, this is where the crappy part comes in. There are guards at each door, and at least two undercover agents, which defeats the purpose of them being undercover, since they were the only two griffons in the train car. Now, I know that doesn't sound so bad, but watch what happens when I try to hit the can.

"Hey, I gotta hit the head."

"I must accompany you, your grace," one of the faceless ones said. No, he didn't actually follow me into the bathroom.

But you see where I'm going with this.

"Why?"

"By order of the emperor, he believes your life may be in danger."

You've got to be kidding me.

Assassins are jerks.