The Ballad of the Brony

The planet Earth, a dirt ball full of monkeys trying to fuck and kill each other for reasons that escape most other animals, who are more sophisticated in their killing and fucking. Within the confines of humanity lies the rare brony community: a almost-considered-terrorist group comprised of many fans of the animated show My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. This massive orgy of rainbows and polarizing colorization had done something no other show could do: get grown men to love bestiality.

One such man was David Wilhelm, a British brony who was born on a Monday when his mother ran away from the abortion clinic due to a cross-eyed doctor with a hook for a hand; his mother practically feared pirates. She looked over her shoulder and screamed—whether it was the doctor or the pain from her rather large, lengthy umbilical cord that was still connected to her baby she did not know—but that was not important. What was was the safety of her baby as she scooped him up, holding the cord tightly to ensure the safety of her child. She ran quickly on the cobblestone road to avoid hearing the abortion doctor's manic and horrifying renditions of the well-known musical hit: Singing in the Rain. She couldn't deal with him, nor did she want to. She just wanted her baby; not this bloody abortion. But that's a whole another story…

David Wilhelm is by all accounts a terrible man who has no idea his pathetic status within human society, thus he gravitates to the brony community in hopes to become the Lord of the Clop. His ultimate fantasy is being with Princess Celestia, his one true sun that he praised like a moron who stares at a glowing ball of gas. Her round supple plot shining like a condom floating in that playful winds in a swampy meadow. Her long beautiful neck reminding him of the lubricant bottles he uses from Wal-mart. Celestia was his and his alone but would always be out of his reach.

One day, David was polishing his custom-made Benjamin Franklin flesh light when a large purple ball of magic appeared in his apartment bedroom. David’s white underpants turned blood red at the sight of the orb as it spun around like a Polish sex toy. The ball vanished leaving a floating creature in its wake. Discord, the spirit of chaos, appeared to the man-child with a wicked grin on his muzzle.

 “Well if it is not the Brony_Fan_King123 himself…” Discord says as he approached the bloody diapered mess.

“How do you know my FiMFiction.net account name?!” Mr. Wilhelm hollers, the blood in his undies swishing and swashing like he had leftover water still back there after he wiped.

Discord laughs, his claw gently wrapping around his neck and resting upon Wilhelm’s left shoulder. “I know many things little brony, especially your love for Princess Celestia’s huge plot.”

“What to you want with me?!” screams the man as his blood from his ass started to make a pool of blood and scat around him, the puddles of brown and red causing Discord to spray magical air freshener; the bloody mess dissipates into the smell of Davy Jone’s locker.

Once the freshening was done, he wiped the sweat—which was unknown to him at the time, and still was as the moisture collected onto his claw. “I’ve come to you to make your dreams come true. I’m taking you to Princess Celestia.”

David almost slipped on the blood and scat that was still dripping from his ass in surprise. His dream could finally come true and he would lose his virginity to a cartoon horse that he loved so dearly. David quickly rose and packed his suitcase with various horse themed sex toys and some of his fan fiction involving red and black alicorn OC’s. Once ready, he stood in front of Discord with a dumb smile plastered on his is even dumber face.

Discord snapped his fingers and the two vanished in a purple cloud of smoke. David opened his eyes to see that he was in the throne room of the Canterlot Castle, surrounded by various high society ponies with white, milk mustaches on their faces. David turned around to see Celestia sitting on her throne wearing a red velvet drape while sucking on a red ice pop. David quickly pulled his pants down and prepped himself for his dream pleasure.

Celestia opened her back legs to reveal her massive vagina that he dream about for ages to come. Except a few minor misnomers: a large mass of tentacles as white as snow with razor sharp teeth jutted out, a foul smell almost like a dying animal radiated from it, and he swore he could hear it say something. David was beyond shocked as his piss mixed with his blood in a pool of foulness that he fell in. Celestia’s vagina spoke with a German accent as two large tentacle arms launched out, grabbing David’s piss covered legs and ever-so-slowly pulling him closer.

“Don’t worry, David, you won’t die. In fact, this is the start of your new life! How do you think the other bronies who came here become my pony slaves?” Discord laughs heartily. “Do you think you are someone?” He bends down to see the cowering shell of Wilhelm being devoured by the legs. “You will never be,” Discord utters softly into his ear before turning away.

David was sucked into Celestia’s talking vagina, which is a terrible fate as he traveled through her various internal organs. As he neared the end of his meager life, Celestia had one more thing to do. She created a large lurgy-like ball from her mouth and spit it onto the floor of the throne room. From the ball came a brown earth pony with the number two-hundred on his flank. David was now a pony, doomed to work at Sugarcube Mines for the remainder of his pathetic, not-so-brony-but-now-a-pony life.

David awoke in his London Apartment to his relief. It was all a dream. However, it made him think: I am really fucking horny. David rose from his bed with a large erection and began to polish his flute to a picture of Sonic on an art website.

“Fuck you, Narnia,” said Sonic.