Saving Princess Skyla

by Between Lines

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Length: 11840

It can be hard being a draconequus, especially when you have to behave yourself during your perfect (read: obnoxious) cousin is getting married. It can be even harder after you may or may not have gotten her kidnapped.

Pandora is a remarkable creature, the union of two souls nopony in a million years would have bet on. Naturally, it can be frustrating when the rest of the world fails to acknowledge this, instead choosing to fawn over simple, run of the mill ponies.

Like precious princess Skyla and her precious little wedding.

It's understandable that, being a draconequus, one might be instinctively inclined to wreak a little havoc in such a scenario.

Too bad that havoc has such a habit of getting out of hoof, and maybe turning into a surprise kidnapping of the heir to the Crystal Empire's throne.

But hey, it's all good if you save her in the end.

Right?

Published 2014-10-14 17:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-14 17:10:05 UTC

Mostly an Accident

Author's Note

A big thanks to Lopoddity for creating such an uproariously fun character to write for.

Mostly an Accident

Pandora was a draconequus of many talents. She could shapeshift, fly, teleport, conjure, and even abjure if she really put her mind into it. She was trained both in fine Canterlot manners by her mother, and the joyous mysteries of chaos by her father. In many ways, she was the most remarkable creature in all Equestria.

“I can’t believe this.” Pandora muttered sullenly, giving a desultory tug at the dress she’d been squeezed into. All the powers of a demigod, and here she was being dressed up like a child. “I bet Skyla doesn’t even want me there.”

“Pandora, you shouldn’t be so hard on your cousin,” Twilight chided, fussing gently over her daughter’s look. “I know you two don’t always get along, but this isn’t just an important night for her. Tomorrow could go down in Equestrian history, and ponies will write about how even noble Pandora made an appearance.”

“Hmph.” Pandora flicked her tail, settling into the last minute adjustments. In all fairness, the dress was a lovely shade of purple, and it made her already slender figure look absolutely ravishing. If histories really were going to be written about tonight, at least she was going to look the part. “I still don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”

“Pandora, in all the years of the alliance between Griffonia and Equestria, there has never been a marriage between the royal families.” Her fussing slacked off as she began to recount the volumes of history she’d accrued over the years. “Despite the demonstrated existence of hippogriffs and even the recognition of inter-species unions by Tyr Windhelm in the fourth century, old taboos have dominated the relations between noble houses. It wasn’t until Prince Varkus proposed to Skyla last month that the prospect was even truly entertained!” Twilight smiled fondly. “It was so courageous of her to accept! She could well solidify griffon-pony relations for centuries to come!”

“I’m sure the disgusting amount of fanfare didn’t hurt any.” She stopped to grunt as Twilight gave a chastising tug on her corset.

“Don’t be petty, it’s unbecoming.” Twilight gave another rib-crushing tug on Pandora’s dress.

“You sound like aunt Rarity,” Pandora grumbled, wincing as the dress cut into her ability to breath.

“And you sound like your father,” Twilight quipped back, finally releasing Pandora from her silken torment. “There, that should pass muster. Now, please, if you love me at all—”

“—don’t start any trouble or make a mess.” Pandora finished, squirming slightly to see if her dress could achieve anything resembling comfort. “I know, mother, you can count on me.”

“Thank you.” Twilight smiled and hugged her daughter close, despite said daughter being half-again as large as herself. “Don’t worry, we’ll do something fun after it’s done.”

Pandora immediately perked up. “Oh! Can we visit aunt Pie’s bakery?”

“...less fun.” Twilight amended, earning a groan from Pandora.

“Alright.” Pandora gave one last wriggle and sighed. “Am I free to go?”

“Yes, you are,” Twilight answered with a roll of her eyes.

Pandora didn’t need to be told twice. Like a particularly slippery bolt of lightning, she slid out the door and made a beeline for the exit. In her wake echoed the startled yelps of passing waitstaff as a river of eager draconequus rocketed past. It didn’t take her long to get outside and find the pony she was looking for, given that said pony was the only one who didn’t jump a foot in the air as she whizzed up.

“All done, boss?” Cupcake asked. True to form, the brown earth pony didn’t even flinch at Pandora’s approach, instead opting to survey her antics with her typical dour stare before returning to her tea. Around her, the rest of the open air cafe froze for several seconds, before awkwardly going about their business.

“Uuuuugh, yes.” Pandora snapped her paw, conjuring up a haphazard purple throne for herself. Her dad had taught her the trick, though she’d found his own design a bit bland. Flopping into it, she rolled her eyes dramatically. “I swear, twenty two years and she still treats me like I’m a little filly.”

“I wonder why.” Cupcake deadpanned, taking another sip from her tea. “Your aunt was nice enough to offer me a position catering the wedding.”

“Fantastic. Now I’ll forever associate your cupcakes with this vomit-fest.” Pandora pulled a face. “I’ll need you to learn to bake something else. I’m thinking crullers.”

“I’ll get right on that, sir.” Cupcake hoofed over a page of her newspaper. “Perhaps cookies. I can bake gingerbread Skylas for you to bite the heads off of.”

“Yes! Exactly! Now there’s a treat I can get behind.” She lifted her paw to her lips, and whistled, a few of the crystal flagstones cracking under the sound. “Waiter! Can I get some service over here, or do you not serve royalty?”

“That depends on one’s definition.” Pandora’s hackles stood on end, and she twisted her head around excorcist-style to glare at the speaker. Behind her, a neon pink pony snorted in distaste while the griffon beside her took a half step back. “Must you make such nightmarish displays in public?”

“I could ask you the same, Skyla. That fur makes my eyes bleed.” For emphasis, Pandora’s eyes did in fact leak blood, only for her to wipe up the tears and lick them off her paw. “Mmmm, ketchup!”

“Ugh. Varkus, dear, meet Pandora, Equestria’s resident draconequus.” She said the word the way one might pronounce the term ‘pustule.’“Here to grace us with her… antics.”

“It’s uh, a pleasure?” Varkus glanced nervously between Skyla and Pandora, clearly uncertain where decorum ended and his fiancee’s distaste began. “I’ve never met a draconequus before.”

“Well, can’t say I’m surprised,” Pandora said, her demeanor warming at the prospect of a first impression. “The best things in life are often rarities.” Admittedly the line was stolen, but she wasn’t going to waste fresh material just yet. “Have a seat!” She snapped her paw and a plush divan with red velvet cushions appeared from the ether. Her eyes flicked to Skyla, and her distaste returned in full. “Oh, and I suppose you’ll want a throne.” She snapped her paw again, and a bright pink toilet appeared beside the divan. “Is porcelain good enough? Or don’t you touch the royal rump to anything less than diamond?”

“I’m sensing some—” Varkus began, before Skyla trod right over him.

“Oh, very funny Pandora. I was hoping you could put aside your crass vendetta for a day or two. Clearly I overestimated you.” Giving a dainty sniff, she shot a glare at the toilet. “Guest or not, I refuse to play these games with you.”

“Princess Skyla can’t take a joke, typical.” Pandora snapped her paw again, dispelling both of the seats. “You know, maybe if you played a game once in a while, we might actually get along.”

“I’d prefer you just learn to mind your station.” She flipped her mane dismissively. “Come along Varkus. We’ve a wedding to prepare for.”

“Oh, uh, yes, Skyla. Pandora, it was, uh…” He groped awkwardly for an adjective, before realizing Skyla was leaving without him. With a panicked squak, he took off after her, leaving Pandora to slump back into her seat.

“What a gigantic tool.” Pandora sulked, briefly shooting a glare at the rest of the cafe patrons who were staring in shock. “Oh, what? She is and you know it. And where’s my damn menu?”

“You really shouldn’t let her get to you like that, boss,” Cupcake muttered, having watched the whole exchange in silence. “You know she’s going to tell Twilight.”

“Mom knows she’s a whiny little nag. At most I’ll get a speech.” She snatched her menu from the waiter’s grasp, glancing over it with an irritated intensity. “So long as I don’t set anything on fire for the wedding, it’ll all be forgiven in a week.”

“So you’re not planning to set anything on fire during the wedding?” Cupcake asked.

“...no. I’m not.” Pandora sighed, finally handing back the menu. “Gimme a mocha, extra chocolate.” She steepled her paws in front of her. “Don’t get me wrong. I’ll think of something, but it’ll have to be… subtle. Something that really shows everypony what a prissy brat she is.” She started tapping her chin. “Maybe I could make her vows leak ink, watch her throw a fit in front of everypony. Oh! Maybe I could make Varkus’ vows leak! Ohhh, chewing out her new hubby in front of everypony!”

“Assuming she wouldn’t have the presence of mind to hold her tongue,” Cupcake pointed out.

“Hmph, you’re right. She can’t realize she’s being watched.” With a snap of her paw, Pandora produced a clipboard, pencil, and appropriately studious glasses. “First we have to figure out just where she thinks she’s safe. Maybe the bathroom?”

“Or you could bide your time for the perfect opportunity, preferably one that won’t end in your exile?” Cupcake took another sip of her tea. “Just a thought.”

“But I’ve been patient!” Pandora threw her implements in the air, where they promptly grew wings and flew away. “Every year it’s the same. Oh, let’s all fawn over prissy little Skyla, and her prissy kingdom of prissdom. You know, I don’t think she’s done a single useful thing since I’ve known her!”

“As opposed to your own exploits of infamy and renown,” Cupcake said.

“Hey, I saved that town! Shady Hollows would be nothing but zombie ponies if not for me!” She nodded assertively. “Who else would have realized that zombies can’t swim in chocolate milk?”

“Of course, boss,” Cupcake said. “And leaving that ancient idol out where it could get knocked over was completely their fault.”

“Completely,” Pandora agreed, glancing away as a flush heated her cheeks. “Anyway, Skyla’s had it coming for years now. Her wedding would be the perfect opportunity to finally settle the score.”

“If only everypony didn’t automatically assume you had it out for her.” Cupcake simply sipped her tea as Pandora instantly fell into a sulk.

“You’re right, they’d blame me no matter how clever I was.” Pandora reached over and absently took her mocha, snapping her paw and conjuring a pile of bits onto the waiter’s platter. She sipped it and winced, snapping again to plop in a bar of solid chocolate. “Not sweet enough.”

“Excuse me?” Both mares looked up as a newcomer approached their table. She was an unassuming tan pegasus with a short cut black mane. Despite her demure approach, her posture exuded confidence and control. “You don’t care for Princess Skyla?”

“Maybe I don’t,” Pandora replied, setting down her cup of coffee flavored chocolate with purposeful slowness. “You got a problem with that?”

“Maybe I do.” The mare replied, slipping into a seat beside them. However, as she did so, she gave Pandora a surreptitious wink. “I can’t imagine how anypony could hate such a perfect princess.”

“Maybe she isn’t so perfect,” Pandora offered, guarded curiosity on her face. “I think the people deserve to know what she’s really like.”

“That’s some big talk. You’re gonna need proof to back it up.” The mare glanced at Cupcake for a moment, sizing her up before turning back to Pandora. “Then again, I doubt anypony would believe such a vocal detractor.”

“Are you saying that I’d need a third party?” Pandora asked, her eyes beginning to glitter with mischief.

“That’d be a start.” The mare glanced up, looking at some pony across the cafe. “I have to go, but you really shouldn’t discuss things like that in public. You might just upset somepony.” As she left, one of her wings shifted, dropping a scrap of paper onto the ground.

“Well that was convenient.” Cupcake muttered, reaching down and picking up the paper. “Kind of cliche too.”

“I liked it. Gutsy.” Pandora took a slurp of her chocolate. “Nice to know I’m not the only one who sees through her act.”

“And that this totally isn’t some sort of setup,” Cupcake added.

“Oh hush. So is there a secret message on there?” Pandora reached over and snatched the scrap for herself.

“Address, time, and it’s written on a receipt for a vinyl recorder,” Cupcake said. “I wonder what it could possibly mean..”

“It means, my friend,” Pandora declared, ripping up the paper into confetti gnats, “that the game is afoot!”

“Joy.” Cupcake said.

The time on the receipt was just after sunset, when the last glow of dusk still lit the sky. Clad in a dark brown overcoat and heavy fedora, Pandora slipped from shadow to shadow, Cupcake following at her usual pace. After a few minutes, Pandora held up her paw and hissed for silence.

“I didn’t say anything.” Cupcake said.

“I just said shhhh!” Pandora hissed again, eyes shifting between the shadows. “This was the time, right?”

“Yes,” Cupcake said.

“And the place?” Pandora asked.

“Yes,” Cupcake said.

“Then where is she?” Pandora grumbled, glancing at her wrist before remembering she didn’t wear a watch. With a snap of her paw and a quick scribble of a marker, she rectified the situation.

“She’s here,” Announced the mare they’d come to meet. With barely a whisper of noise, she darted down from a nearby rooftop, running clean down the wall of the building instead of choosing to fly, likely because of the hefty pack affixed to her back. “Maybe if you kept it down to a dull roar you’d hear her.”

“I don’t do quiet.” Pandora huffed, lifting a paw to snap a few party cannons into existence, before thinking better of it. “So what’s your angle? What have you got against Skyla?”

“Me? Nothing but a paycheck.” The mare shrugged. “Wedding goes up, so does my bank account. Figure slander’s the easiest way to do that.”

“I’ll buy that.” Pandora folded her paws in front of her. “So where do I come in?”

“Everybody knows draconequui are some of the most magical creatures in the world,” the mare said. “Well, I need a little magic. You get me in, I get you your disaster. Everybody wins.”

“Seriously?” Pandora blinked, before letting out a snort of laughter. “You just need in? Done.” She snapped her paw, and the mare disappeared with a flash. “Easiest vengeance ever.”

“Boss,” Cupcake began, uncharacteristically uncertain in her tone, “I’m not sure that was a good idea.”

“Probably not, but don’t worry.” Pandora lifted her fedora and winked at Cupcake with an empty eye socket. “I’m keeping an eye on her.”

“I’m serious,” Cupcake continued, starting to chew her lip. “When was the last time you heard a pony use ‘everyone’ like that?”

“What do you mean?” Pandora tilted her head. “It’s a normal term.”

“Yeah, but…” Cupcake shook herself. “You ever get a vibe from somepony? Like there’s something off about them?”

It was Pandora’s turn to shoot Cupcake a deadpan stare.

“Okay, wrong girl to ask, but. Look, boss, I really don’t like this.” For one of the rare instances in her life Cupcake shot Pandora a pleading stare. “Please, call this off.”

“I… fine.” Pandora huffed and readied her paw. “But when this goes hooves up because of you, it’s my turn to lord it for once.” She snapped, and suddenly they were surrounded by a heart shaped hellscape of pink. “Ooohh, I’m gonna be sick.”

“Where’s the mare?” Cupcake asked, surveying the room.

“I saw her move into the bedroom.” Pandora reached up onto a shelf and collected her eye, dusting it off before popping it back in her head. “Probably just digging out Skyla’s diamond dog porn.”

“Well, we should hurry and--” There was a crash from the bedroom, and the two shared a momentary glance before rushing in.

Within, there was a scene of total bedlam. The once immaculate bed lay in disarray, the rest of the room covered in stuffed animals and broken picture frames. Beside the window, the mare stood, her bag open on her back, revealing some sort of winch system within. The entire apparatus whined noisily as it’s cable spooled out the window, the mare turning to grin at them as she held the motionless body of Skyla as though she were about to fly off with her.

“Unhoof her!” Pandora declared, snapping her paws and flashing a massive squeaky hammer into existence. The gesture was about as intimidating as one would expect, until one noticed the squeaky bit of the hammer was clearly solid iron.

“I’d love to, but...” the mare gave a pump of her wings and hopped out the window. Pandora and Cupcake rushed over just in time to see a distinctly bizarre sight. As the mare dropped to the street below, the cable to her winch reached straight up into the sky, lifted by some sort of rocket. Without a sound, a massive shape swept over the city, intercepting the cable. In an instant, the mare was rushing back up, passing just close enough to finish her one liner as the shape carried her and Skyla out into the night. “...we’ve got a flight to catch!”

The two could only stare dumbfounded as she raced off to the horizon.

“That did not just happen,” Pandora said.

“As a matter of fact,” Cupcake corrected, “it did.”

The Cities in the Sky

It took Pandora a moment to break out of her stupor. Her face morphed into a feral growl, and she grabbed up Cupcake in one paw.

“We’re going after them.” She declared, readying her other to snap.

“Boss, I--” Cupcake began, before the world flashed to one of black steel and roaring engines. “--have absolutely no say in what we’re going to do.”

Around them, heavy steel girders laced a large cylindrical room. Circular portholes opened out onto the rapidly shrinking fields of the Crystal Empire, the entire horizon going at a slant as the ship began to ascend. Pandora quickly scanned the room, only sparing a moment to grab Cupcake as she started to slide down the floor.

“Well, well, well, look who joined the party.” From a door at the far end of the room, the black-maned mare appeared, though she looked different than she had before. Gone was any hint of demure self-control, replaced by an almost feral gleam in her eyes. “And here I was, getting bored.”

“You!” Pandora hissed, setting Cupcake on a girder, and snapping her squeaky warhammer back into existence. “You’ve got a lot to answer for.”

“And you,” the mare grinned, slapping a button on the wall beside her, “have a long way to fall.”

Behind them, a low buzz droned out, audible even over the thundering engines. The back of the room began to open up, revealing the now distant land of Equestria below, laid out like the world’s most accurate map. For a moment, everyone present simply stared at the sight, before the black-maned mare glanced behind her.

“Is this thing broken?” she grumbled, giving a kick to something in the room she’d come from. “Why aren’t you being sucked into the vacuum of space?”

“The what of space?” Pandora and Cupcake shared a glance. “There’s no vacuum in space.”

“Of course there’s a vacuum in space,” the mare bit back. “We should have already cleared the mesosphere, and you should have been decompressed straight into freefall!”

“Moron. If there was a vacuum in space, how would the moon creatures survive?” Pandora grinned smugly as the mare gawked. There were advantages to being Twilight’s kid.

“I… just…” The mare shook herself. “I hate this place. New plan.” One of her wings reached beside the doorway, and pulled out a strange device that crackled with luminescent blue energy. “Die.”

“Look out!” Pandora grabbed Cupcake out of the way just as a blaze of searing blue melted away the girder she’d been on. Another dozen shots streamed past the pair, Pandora contorting wildly to dodge each and every one. As the last fired, the device let out a searing gust of blue from a set of vents in its side, prompting the mare to curse and drop it, letting it tumble out the back of the ship.

“Hated that thing anyway,” she grumbled, flaring her wings with a savage grin. “Call me a hands on girl.”

“Actually--” Pandora smirked as the mare leaped at her. A quick snap of her paw conjured a massive strip of fly-paper between them, which the mare smacked into with a sound whap! Disoriented and tangled, she could only flail and curse as she tumbled right out the rear of the ship. “--I’ll call you later.” Pandora then whipped out a pair of sunglasses, and placed them on her nose.

“Yeaaaahhhhhhh,” Cupcake deadpanned. “Boss, can we save Skyla now?”

“If we must,” Pandora sighed, carrying Cupcake along as they explored the ship.

There really wasn’t much to explore. Most of the ship consisted of the chamber they’d been in, along with a few boxes strapped securely to the sides. The room at the head seemed to be some sort of control room, similar to what an airship would have. Pandora began to reach out for a leaver, before Cupcake cleared her throat.

“Boss, when did you learn to fly?” She asked.

“Pffft, can’t be that hard. Besides, I’ll save you if we crash.” She started reaching for the controls again.

“And Skyla?” Cupcake asked.

“...hmph.” Pandora folded her arms, and stalked back into the cargo hold. “Fine. I’ll find her, then we can crash.”

“Wonderful idea, sir.” Cupcake watched as Pandora surveyed the first box. After a moment, she snapped her paw and produced a jackhammer and hardhat, bracing the blade against one of the seams. What followed next was a din to make even the immortal DJ P0n3 wince in agony. It was also completely useless.

“Damn, what did they make these out of?” Pandora snapped her paw again, this time opting for a blowtorch and welder’s mask. Once more, she went at it to no effect. “Maybe a concrete saw? I’m thinking concrete saw.”

While Pandora occupied herself with increasing degrees of effort, Cupcake took the chance to stare out the windows. By now, the curve of Equestria was visible, the world below curving like a globe rather than a flat surface. Around them, the naked stars shone clear as night, even as the sun began to peak over the curve of the world. And that’s when Cupcake saw it.

“Uh, boss. You should see this.” Ahead of them, a rectangle of light sat floating in space, growing larger as they approached.

“What?” Pandora stuck her now smouldering head in, wisps of smoke curling from her eyebrows as they climbed in surprise. “Well that’s new.”

As they watched, the ship flew itself into the rectangle. What lay on the other side was a vista beyond description. Before them, a small sun shone within the interior of what could only be described as an inverted sphere. Where one would have expected the sky to be, there instead ran endless fields and even cities, all thriving beneath the light of the tiny star at its heart.

“Woaaaaaah.” The two intoned at once.

Under no direction of their own, the ship carried on its own course, slanting to race along the surface of the world-sphere. This close, it was clear that the cities below them formed a bizarre patchwork of styles. Some shone with gleaming steel and flowing curves, while others belched black smoke from towers of jagged scrap. Still others seemed made from rivers of light itself, flowing into intricate designs of impossible beauty.

One shape in particular, however, drew their attention. Dead ahead, a massive spire rose up from the world, its monolithic edifice drinking in all light. It’s lines were clean and impossibly square, until even looking at it almost seem to hurt one’s eyes. Pandora, naturally, pulled a face.

“Gah, how… orderly. Of course this is where we’d be headed.” She almost reached for the controls again, before Cupcake cleared her throat. “Right, Skyla. Always Skyla.”

Slowly, the ship flew further into the impossibly symmetric interior of the tower, settling inside a hanger so perfectly fitted to the scale of the ship that its wings brushed the walls by the barest margin. The moment it slid to a halt, a series of brilliant white cubes flitted in the back, quickly arraying themselves around the boxes, and beginning to lift them out.

“Hold up!” Pandora dashed out, Cupcake in tow as the cubes made off with the boxes.

Each one was deposited just outside, where a large, rectangular claw systematically popped the tops off each. Moving in order, it extracted various items from within, tugging out everything from random junk to royal artifacts before setting each and every item atop its own floating rectangle. The entire affair proceeded at a clockwork pace that made Pandora’s claws itch, at least until the claw dove down and pulled Skyla’s limp form from the last crate. “I’ll be taking that!”

“Boss, wai--” Cupcake found her warning cut short as a flight of cubes suddenly bound her by her hooves and waist, squeezing tight.

“What is it Cup--Cupcake!” Pandora nearly dropped Skyla where she stood, her other paw wielding an umbrella to fend off the now decidedly persistent claw as it struggled to regain control of its cargo.

“I’m okay, boss!” Cupcake squirmed about even as more cubes flocked to her and lifted her up, beginning to carry her off. “Save the princess first!”

“Oh, buck no.” Pandora immediately released Skyla, leaving the claw to put her on her own platform as though nothing had happened. Instead, she took off after the rapidly retreating Cupcake, a snap of her paw leaving her brandishing a hefty stick of butter. “I’ve got this!”

“Boss, I don’t thin--” Whatever else Cupcake was going to say was drowned out as she got smacked with the massive butter stick. Slathered in slippery gooeyness, Pandora immediately grabbed her hooves, pulling her out from the cubes with an audible sluuuuurk. Cupcake could only blink for a moment. “I didn’t think that would work.”

“And that’s why I’m the boss.” Pandora boasted proudly, before another flight of cubes swept past and engulfed Cupcake. “Hey! I was winning here!”

“ILLOGICAL.” Boomed a massive, buzzing voice. “YOUR CHANCES OF VICTORY ARE ZERO.”

“Shows what you know!” Pandora shouted at the air, already racing after her friend. “You can’t count to one hundred percent without two zeros, and that’s us!”

“Inspiring stuff, boss,” Cupcake mumbled through her prison.

“Okay, so it needs work.” Pandora hopped atop the cube cloud, then snapped her paw to produce a massive backpack vacuum. “I’ll show you vacuums in space!” Kicking it into overdrive, she started to suck up all the little cubes, rapidly freeing Cupcake from the swarm, only for the vacuum to immediately suck up her mane and get stuck on her head. “Oop, sorry.”

“Nothing I’m not used to, boss,” Cupcake said as Pandora pulled the vacuum off her with a pop.

“COUNTERMEASURES INEFFECTIVE.” A massive cube raced past, immediately slamming into Cupcake and punting her down a distant hallway. “ESCALATING RESPONSE.”

“Lay off her!” Pandora shouted, frantically taking off after the still airborn Cupcake. “Pick on somepony your own size!”

“ILLOGICAL. A PONY MY SIZE WOULD BE UNABLE TO SUPPORT ITS OWN WEIGHT.” The voice replied.

“What is with everypony today?” Pandora grumbled as she tossed a massive flan cake ahead of Cupcake, leaving her to land with a messy but survivable splat. “Seriously, lay off!”

“VERNACULAR INTERPRETATION. I CANNOT DESIST PENDING OUTSTANDING OBJECTIVES. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DESIST IN MY STEAD.” The floor suddenly dropped away, leaving Cupcake to plunge into unknown depths. “LOGIC DICTATES THAT THE OPTIMAL SOLUTION IS THROUGH PROVIDING YOU WITH A SUPERIOR OBJECTIVE TO PURSUE.”

“You sound like my mom after a barrel of cider!” Pandora slipped down the shaft that had opened up, following the sound of Cupcake’s sliding as the shaft began to tilt. She snapped her paw and whipped up a nice layer of snow and associated snowboard with which to ride down after Cupcake. “Simple words!”

“I DESIRE YOUR ABSENCE. THIS CAN BE DONE BY MAKING YOUR FRIEND ABSENT.” At that moment, the shaft emptied out into open air, leaving Cupcake sailing through the sky like a missile, and Pandora shredding a sick 720 flipkick after her.

“This isn’t over!” Pandora shouted to the sky, airbording after Cupcake in a deadly race with the ground.

“I really hope not, boss!” Cupcake managed to shout back over the rushing wind. “I was really looking forwards to catering your next birthday!”

“Oh, you’re going to cater my birthday,” Pandora growled, narrowing her eyes as she dove down to get closer. Around them, buildings began to rush fast, their descent carrying them down into the much lower city that sprawled around the black tower. In contrast to its imposing edifice, the buildings rushing up to meet them seemed almost normal as they emerged from a gentle sea of fog. It was a measure of how close they cut it that Pandora’s paws wrapped around Cupcake just as the swirling mists swallowed them up.

Snap! SPLUUUURRRRRRRRT!

“You know,” Cupcake mumbled through a mouthful of flan, “I don’t think I like this dessert anymore.”

“Beats concrete,” Pandora muttered, massaging her paw as she extricated both of them from their messy landing pad. “I’m gonna start getting calluses if this keeps up.”

“Hey, boss?” Cupcake trotted a short distance away, to where a building loomed from the foggy soup around them. “Does this place seem… familiar?”

“What are you… talking… about?” Pandora found her own words trailing off. Before them stood none other than Sugarcube Corner itself, plus maybe thirty years of neglect. Red rust and grime clung to the corners, and the windows were dark with dirt. Even the paint seemed faded, worn, and forgotten. Beside it, other staples of Ponyville stood swaddled in darkness and decay, the skeletal shadow of Golden Oaks itself bringing a chill to Pandora’s heart.

“Boss,” Cupcake said, “I think there’s something seriously wrong with this place.”

Author's Note

WHO LIKES SILENT HILL?

Also, fun image of a dyson sphere for an idea what the world they're in looks like.

Saving Princess Skyla

Twilight paced back and forth in her guest room. Across the floor, once ordered sheafs of paper lay strewn like a fresh carpet, a few scribbled grades becoming increasingly illegible as Twilight trod upon them for the hundredth time. Across from her, Discord slumped lazily on the couch, his eyes following her the way one might a particularly garish wagon rolling down the street.

“You know, dear, none of your students are going to pass at this rate.” He reached over and plucked up one report that had been reduced to confetti. “Though I suppose this would make a passable report on chaos theory.”

“Discord, just… not now. Okay?” She managed a strained, wan smile that promised an ocean’s worth of maternal fury beneath. “Pandora’s missing, Skyla’s missing, and nopony has any idea where!” She gave a sharp huff, flicking another stack of papers against the wall. “I told Shining to step up security! I’ve sent him papers on reforming the crystal guard! Why does nopony ever listen to me!”

“Because, darling,” Discord cooed, reaching out and massaging between her wings. “If everypony listened to you, they’d go just as crazy.”

“I’m not crazy!” She snapped, flaring her wings in anger before melting a bit into his rubs. “They’re all crazy. If they’d just listen to me, none of this would happen.”

“And I suppose if they’d listened to you about Nightmare Moon, then you never would have had to befriend those pesky mares and wind up ruining my fun.” He stopped to tap his chin. “On second thought, maybe everypony should listen to you.”

“Hush.” She whipped his nose with a wing, before taking a deep breath. “She’s my little girl, Discord, and she always finds her way into trouble. It feels like the minute I look away she’s in another mess.”

“Sounds almost like another mare I know,” Discord teased. “Or maybe all the mares I know.”

“I… but… oh stars.” Twilight’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Was this what my parents felt like every day? Oh stars, I’m a horrible daughter.” Tears started to well up in her eyes before Discord booped her on the nose.

“There you go again, worrying too much. You’re far from perfect, and that’s why we all love you.” He gave her a pat on the head. “Now, as much as I adore your crazy schemes when you’re frazzled, I’m afraid I have to play the adult this once.” He pouted. “You know how I hate doing that.”

“I’m well aware.” Twilight sighed again and scrubbed her hooves across her face.

“Don’t worry, darling, I’m sure she’s fine.” Discord smiled broadly, and struck a pose. “She does take after me, after all.”

Twilight managed a small smile, but a sincere one. “You’re right. Wherever she is, I’m sure she’s fine.”

“I’m sensing some sort of subtext in our surroundings.” Cupcake said as she shoved a rusted wire mockery of Pandora’s childhood bed against the filthy ruin of her door.

“Oh really?” Pandora shot back, her eyes flicking about frantically as she tightened her grip on her fire axe. Another unearthly moan cut through the rusted metal of the walls, and the door rattled threateningly. “What gave you that idea?”

“Well the giant purple vag-” Cupcake began, before Pandora cut her off.

“I know what they look like! I know what the buck they look like!” The door gave an inch, and there was a glimpse of twisted lavender flesh writhing on the far side. “I figured it out the first time they tried to eat me!”

“Have you considered having a talk with your mother?” Cupcake asked.

“No! I am never talking about this ever! With anypony! Not even with you!” The door gave another inch, and with a terrified shriek Pandora swung wildly at the growing gap, her attacks greeted with spraying sparks and a moist gush of ichor. “It’s bad enough that this place is going to live on in my nightmares forever!”

“Have you considered that perhaps that’s the point?” Cupcake commented, helping shove the bed back harder against the failing door. “If this entire place is based off your inner demons, then maybe you have to confront them?”

“No! I’m already being attacked by… by things!” Pandora hissed, backpedaling as the door’s top half caved in, treating her to a horrifyingly clear look at her assailant. “Do you have any idea what’s going to be down there? What… what could down there?”

“Down there?” Cupcake crawled on the bed, trying to prop the top half of the door back up into its frame. “Boss, do you know where we have to go?”

All color drained from Pandora’s face.

“I do.”

Twilight lay on her back, the sun and her husband having both dropped off hours ago, staring silently at the ceiling. The silence might have been an oppressive were it not for Discord's deep snores. Just the same, she was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed it when it happened.

The familiar tingle of chaos magic crawled across her spine, as well as the tiniest hint of something familiar. The smallest tinge of herself. She sat bolt upright and raced to the bathroom just as the scrying spell took effect.

“Pandora!” She cried, as her daughter’s face swam into view. “I was so worried, where are you?”

“I… can’t really answer that, mom.” There was something strange to her aspect, a distance to her gaze and a depth to her expression that looked alien on her face. “Myself might be the right answer.”

“You’re in… yourself?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What, like, botched teleportation, or chaos magic? Oh, you didn’t…” She stopped as Pandora held up a paw.

“No, I mean…” She trailed off.

“Metaphorically.” Cupcake offered from somewhere out of sight.

“Yeah, that’s a good word.” Pandora smiled, the expression wan and pale in a way Twilight had never seen on her daughter. “Thanks Cupcake.”

“Honey, what’s wrong? You don’t seem like yourself.” Twilight reached out a hoof, trying to feel her daughter’s face on reflex.

“I don’t feel like myself, and maybe that’s a good thing.” She took a deep breath, and looked Twilight in the eye. “There’s some stuff I still have to do, but… I’ve seen some things, things that made me think about our... relationship.”

“You mean the giant purple v-” Cupcake began.

“We are never to speak of those again!” Pandora shrieked, momentarily regained of her old intensity.

“Giant purple-” Twilight almost asked before Pandora cut her off.

“Something we’ll discuss later, mother. Like never. Ever.” Pandora took a calming breath. “Look, I’ve got things under control, but… I wanted to call. This is something I have to do, by myself, but… I know you worry. I know, and I don’t think about it, and I just wanted to say… sorry.”

“Honey…” Twilight wasn’t sure what to do. For all her independence, it was strange to see Pandora stand her ground and assert herself like his. “You’re scaring me.”

“The last few hours have been pretty scary, so maybe that’s appropriate.” She shook her head. “Skyla needs my help, and we’ll have time to talk about this later.” She lingered for a moment, then smiled. “And mom, I love you.”

The scrying spell ended abruptly, leaving Twilight somehow more worried than she’d been before.

“That was sweet of you.” Cupcake commented as Pandora dropped the shard of broken mirror. Around them, the pseuo-Ponyville was just as decrepit as ever, but the malignancy of the decay was gone. Now, everything simply seemed old.

“It was something I had to do.” She shivered from head to hoof, quickly shaking out her mane. “Thanks, Cupcake, for pushing me.”

“Just doing my job, boss.” Cupcake took a moment to dust herself off and fix her mane. “You still going to have nightmares?”

“No.” Pandora turned and stared at the husk of Golden Oaks. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Then maybe it’s time we saved Skyla.” Cupcake suggested.

“Uuuuuugh.” Pandora groaned, her old theatrics returning. “I can’t even have a powerful, personal revelation without that slut screwing it up. Come on, let’s save old princess bubblegum.”

“Because she’s pink.” Cupcake observed.

“Precisely.” Pandora sighed. “Yeah, that one needs work too.”

The two of them set off, the black tower easy to find without the omnipresent fog and nightmarish horrors. In fact the journey bordered on anticlimactic, the two simply walking up to the sheer wall that was its base. Pandora began to approach, when that loud, buzzing voice blared out.

“YOU SURVIVED THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE. THAT THIS IS ITSELF INCOMPREHENSIBLE POSSESSES A TROUBLING SYMMETRY.” Before Pandora could fire off a quip, it continued. “REGARDLESS, OUR OBJECTIVES ARE NO LONGER AT ODDS. I AM NO LONGER RELEVANT TO YOUR AIMS.”

“I…” Pandora paused. “What?”

“YOUR PRINCESS SKYLA IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE. I WILL PROVIDE CONVEYANCE, AS THIS WILL PROVE LESS DISRUPTIVE FOR MYSELF.” A large rectangle emerged from the glossy surface, awaiting the two to stand upon it.

“Seriously?” Pandora stared askance at the ride. “You seriously expect us to believe you’re just going to give us a ride?”

“YOU SEEK TO TROUBLE ME ON THE WAY TO YOUR GOAL, SO I WILL INSTEAD GIVE YOU ANOTHER WAY TO PURSUE YOUR GOAL. THIS IS LOGICAL.” The voice said.

“I think it’s telling the truth.” Cupcake offered.

“Hmph, fine.” Pandora stepped onto the platform along with Cupcake. “This whole place is insane.”

“CORRECTION, IF ONE PERCEIVES ALL REALITY TO BE INSANE, THEN BY DEFINITION ONE IS INSANE INSTEAD OF REALITY.” The voice said.

“Shut up before I drown you in chocolate milk.” Pandora grumbled.

“THAT WOULD BE LOGICAL.” The voice announced, and said no more.

The rectangle lifted them up into the sky, racing away from the tower. Below the two, more vistas swept past, each one holding a new poignancy after their experience in the faux Ponyville. Pandora idly dangled her hooves over the edge, while Cupcake sat beside her.

“You know, Cupcake, I don’t get it.” Pandora finally said, watching a desert of broken glass glitter away below. “Why Skyla? If this place cares about some stupid wedding, then I’m Equestria’s most popular princess.”

“I dunno, boss. I guess we’ll just have to find out.” Cupcake shrugged, seemingly unaffected by the sights below her.

“Maybe there isn’t an answer,” Pandora mused. “Look at this place, it’s completely insane.”

“Even you have your reasons.” Pandora glanced at Cupcake, then chuckled.

“I suppose you’re right.” She settled back down, content to watch the journey ahead.

It was a while before a destination started to become apparent. It was a large, squat building made of solid slabs of iron. Chipped paint adorned its surfaces, while dozens of figured moved into, out of, and across it. As their rectangle approached, a few glanced up, but most simply continued about their business. As they set down and stepped off, Pandora drew in a breath.

“Mortals! The great and mighty Pan-” Whatever else she’d planned to say was lost as a mighty blast of crimson light punched her clean off her hooves. For a moment, she sat smouldering on the ground before she picked herself up. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Yeah, it is.” Said the black maned mare, or possibly her sister. Where the original had been more or less normal, the new mare was covered in geometric lines, her hind legs and wings replaced with mechanical prosthetics. “I should probably thank you, that other body was garbage, but pride dictates you gotta die.”

“You can try.” Pandora grumbled, sweeping the scorch marks off herself like a stain. “I spent half of today nearly getting eaten by things I’d rather not think about. I doubt you can do better.”

“Watch me.” The mare replied, again hefting the massive device she’d blasted Pandora with before. She let fly another blast, but this time Pandora was ready.

“I know it’s supposed to be lightning in a bottle, but…” Pandora whipped out a glass bottle, and caught the laser beam in it, quickly corking it up. “I suppose this’ll do. Catch!”

“Son of a-” The mare dove clear of the returning bottle, just as it smashed on the ground where she’d stood. A blinding flash, and all that remained of the spot was a bright gold pool of molten iron.

“Tia!” Boomed a voice over a scratchy intercom. “What the hell are you doing? This isn’t a registered combat area!”

“But, I… You let me have the princess!” Tia whined back at the blaring PA. “It was implied I was using her as bait!”

“Maybe implying flies in the other districts, but here we do things by the book. Now disarm and stand down!” The PA cut off with a click, barring further discussion.

“But… I…” Tia howled in rage, kicking the ground hard enough to dent it before rounding on Pandora. “This isn’t over draconequus. Mark my words, I will destroy you like you destroyed me!”

“So, like hitting the ground wrapped in a ball of fly paper?” Pandora asked with a smirk.

“I…” Tia paused, and a dangerous glint entered her eye. “Actually, yes, exactly like that.” Somewhere nearby, machinery ground to life. “Bon voyage~”

“What are you…” A sharp roar cut the air, and a blazing rocket tore into the sky.

“Why do I feel like that’s a bad thing?” Cupcake asked.

“You wanted to bring your princess home?” Tia sneered gleefully. “Congratulations! She’s going back on the express! One-way, of course.”

“Oh, I am going to wreck you so hard for this someday.” Pandora grunted, before grabbing Cupcake and snapping her paw.

Instantly they were surrounded by howling winds fit to strip flesh from bone. Cupcake held on for dear life while Pandora merely stood atop the rocket like it was nothing. Before them, the gap of the rectangle they’d entered through loomed large and black, an almost poetic inversion to its appearance before. Within seconds, they’d passed through it, and back into the empty non-vacuum of space.

“You got a plan, boss?” Cupcake shouted over the howling cacophony.

“Never do, my friend!” Pandora laughed. “I never do!”

Riding a rocket loaded with her worst enemy back to Equestria, Pandora had to admit there were worse endings to adventures. She quickly pried off a panel, and took one look at the circuitry within. Screwing her face up in concentration, she surveyed the layout before finally deciding not to tamper with it. Instead, she turned her attention to the planet itself. Already, it loomed up ever larger, the curve of the globe disappearing as the mountains became visible against the landscape.

“Might I suggest doing something?” Cupcake offered, while Pandora rubbed her chin.

“I’m thinking!” Pandora waved a paw dismissively as she studied the land before them. “I’ve got it!”

First, she snapped her paw to conjure a pack of umbrellas, frowning as the rocket exhaust lit them on fire. Instead she conjured a whole pack of sails and masts around the rocket, along with a second set of rockets to push it the opposite way. She then really got rolling, snapping her fingers rapidly to conjure up a flurry of cotton candy clouds, managing to sugar coat herself and Cupcake as the gooey clouds clung and tore at the speeding missile. Snapping faster than a pair of maracas, even giving herself an extra pair of paws to snap with, she unleashed a hailstorm of flans, puddings, and every thick and gooey confection she could manage. Even working a quickly as she could, she only barely amassed a mountain beneath them before they slammed into it at a sizable fraction of mach 1.

What followed would be known as Custardpocaypse, and would go down in the legends of rural Equestria for eons to come.

“Well.” Pandora paused to cough up a dessert plate. “Any landing you can walk away from.”

“Skyla.” Was all Cupcake managed as she gasped for air.

“Crap!” Pandora rushed over to where the sizzling rocket was quickly sinking into a bog of caramelized sugar. Conjuring up a nice, hefty prybar, she wedged it against the plates, and gave it a mighty wrench. With a pop and a screech, the panel flew off, revealing Skyla entombed in a glass canister within.

“I never thought I’d say this,” Pandora muttered, “but, don’t worry Skyla, I’m coming!” She slammed the pry bar down into the glass and smashed it to bits, reaching in and pulling Skyla out. The fluid wasn’t even done dripping off her before Skyla began to cough, her eyes blinking in confusion before focusing on Pandora.

“Pandora,” she hissed, eyes narrow with venom, “what. did. you. do?”

“This!” Pandora announced, before promptly dropping her in the sea of filthy custard. “You’re welcome.”

Cupcake, fittingly, applauded.

Epilogue: You Just Had to Ruin It, Didn't You?

The sun rose on a sight so long anticipated by those in attendance, none present had ever really realized they’d been waiting for it. The great brown and gold banners of Griffonia fluttered in the breeze alongside the pastel snowflake of the Crystal Empire. Trumpets and flugelhorns cut the air with their noble notes, and great streamers brighter than any rainbow glittered in the morning light.

Before the great foyer beneath the crystal keep, a massive stage stood resplendent in bright pink velvet and rich golden thread. Ponies and griffons filled the hastily erected seats like an ocean of color, the two species almost indistinguishable at a distance. Everywhere laughter and pleasant chatter rang out, until the crystals themselves soaked up the happiness and cast it back in a brilliant cascade of light.

It was amid this all that Princess Twilight fussed with her mane, Cupcake standing stoically beside her.

“She really thinks I mother her too much?” Twilight ran her hooves through her mane for the millionth time, speaking in a hushed whisper.

“Her greatest fear made manifest was getting devoured back into your womb,” Cupcake said, as though discussing the weather. “I’m not sure how many ways there are to interpret that.”

“Uh, wow, it was really that, um, graphic?” Twilight had to pause her fussing as she digested this information.

“It was,” Cupcake stated bluntly.

“Oh, my poor… oh, wow.” Twilight blushed. “Maybe I do mother her a bit much.”

“It’s certainly possible.” Cupcake perked up a bit, which in her case was truly a bit. “Hey, boss.”

“Ugh, I still hate this dress.” Pandora sulked, slinking up to her seat beside the pair. “I feel like a doll.”

“Darling, it’s…” Twilight stopped mid-sentence, chewing her lip for a moment, before finally swallowing her comment.

“Mom?” Pandora raised her eyebrow, glancing between Twilight and Cupcake for a moment before comprehension dawned. She leaned in to cupcake and hissed in her ear. “You told her about the place?”

“She did ask,” Cupcake said.

“How could…?” Pandora sputtered in mortified rage for a moment before noticing something odd. Her mother had gone a full minute without commenting on her behavior. Pandora pondered this before turning to Cupcake with a new appreciation. “Good call.”

“Thank you, sir,” Cupcake said.

“Well! If it isn’t all my lovely ladies in one place!” Discord slipped into the group, his long, serpentine body allowing him to lay across all three of their laps at once. “I’ve heard men get more attractive with age, but this is just ridiculous!”

Twilight rolled her eyes while Pandora did the same, Cupcake opting for her default of stony scrutiny.

“Wow, tough crowd.” Discord snickered and pulled himself back into his seat. “I know my darling wife is letting the proceedings get to her, but you’re usually good for a chuckle, sport.” He playfully noogied Pandora’s mane, soliciting a small grin that she was quick to smother with annoyance.

“I’ve been expressly forbidden from fun, remember? At least until princess sluttbutt gets her hooks in.” She huffed and used her claws to smooth out her mane. “Until then I have to play dress up.” Pandora stopped, an expression of poor horror playing across her features. “Sweet stars, this is what she always wanted. An entire kingdom to play dress up with.” She glanced down at her dress. “And I’m participating, wonderful.”

“It could be worse.” Discord smirked. “At least her dream isn’t of Equestria’s largest statue garden.”

“That was totally justified and you know it.” Twilight muttered, only to blush as Discord leaned across to kiss her.

“I know, you’re just cute when you’re grumpy.” He grinned more broadly as she blushed even brighter.

“Please, guys,” Pandora moaned. “I’m right here.”

“Sorry.” They both said at once, before sharing a sly smirk and a giggle.

“Uuuugh, could this day get any longer.” At that moment, the fanfare blared across the great walkway, and a tall procession of banners could be seen approaching the altar, among them princess Skyla’s personal standard. “I had to open my mouth.”

“She was going to come anyway.” Cupcake pointed out.

“You’re right, you’re right. I’ll just have to suffer through it.” Pandora leaned back, her eyes gazing up into the pale blue sky above. “I hate suffering.”

High above, wispy clouds drifted by, too high for the pegasai to clear away. She found her thoughts drifting to the cities in the sky, probably still floating somewhere out there, lit by the light of their own sun. There were so many cities there, each one more fantastic than the last. Maybe she’d find her way back there someday. After all, she was a draconequus. She had all the time in the world.

For a moment, she even thought she could see that little rectangle in the sky, opening up to release a lone mote of light. She narrowed her eyes, and her heart began to race as the daydream failed to dissipate. Quite the contrary, the mote grew brighter, and she found herself reaching up to her face to pull her eye out into a telescope. Her breath caught in her throat.

“Pandora?” Twilight asked, squinting up into the sky as well.

“Look out!” Pandora shouted, snapping her paw to form a sudden gush of blueberry jam in the middle of the wedding procession. As she'd predicted, hundreds of well dressed ponies scrambled clear of the tide of instant, indelible stainage.

“Pandora! What the buck--” Skyla began, her shrill voice suddenly drowned out by a terrible roaring in the sky. With a thump that cracked the crystal road clean down to the foundation, a massive steel pod slammed right into the center of the blueberry smear, sending up sweet blueberry scented steam as its heated hull sizzled. There was silence for a second, before the side blew clean off and over the procession, and a hulking metal figure stomped out.

“Guess who filed for authorization, bitch?” blared the voice of Tia, still recognizable even through the distortion of her mechsuit’s speakers. It was built vaguely like a pony, though the blunt, artificial lines of its armor destroyed any similarity to a living thing. Where the wings would have been on a pegasus, two massive sparking tubes sat, their openings bleeding an angry red vapor. “You ready for round two?”

“She is ready for no such--” Skyla stopped short as the mech turned to her, before regaining her courage and bravado. “She is ready for no such thing! This wedding has been planned for months and it will not be ruined by the crass antics of her or her compatriots.”

“I couldn’t care less about your wedding.” The mech extended a leg and gave her a shove. “You want a wedding, hold it fifty meters away.”

“She’s got a point, Sky.” Pandora snickered, before one of those cannons fixed on her. Then she gulped.

“I will have satisfaction, draconequus.” The mech barked, before another draconequus transposed himself directly in front of her face.

“Well, I don’t know about this wedding, but I will not stand for myself or my daughter being discriminated against based on our species.” He promptly folded his arms and hovered in front of her. “I demand an apology.”

“You know,” Tia sighed, “there are places where the local area would already be evacuated, and I’d be having a proper fight. I really hate this place.” She looked at Discord. “I apologize for suggesting you be defined by anything other than your decisions and actions.” She then pointed to Pandora. “You. I'll cut the crap, I filed to kick your ass, which means I'm authorized to kick yours, and only yours. So I’ll cut you a deal. You clear out of the meat shields, and I’ll give you something if you win.”

“If I win?” Pandora stood up. “Don’t you mean when?”

“I’m letting you name your price. Hurry up and name it so I can beat your face so hard it leaves a crater.” Some of the guards started to advance, but the mech shot them a cursory glance, and they backed off.

“Pandora, you can’t seriously…” Twilight began.

“Why.” Pandora stated. “I want to know why you took Skyla.”

“Done.” There was a bass rumble, and the mech rocketed off the ground, thrusters in its hooves propelling it over the rooftops.

“Pandora, this is ab—” Whatever Twilight was about to say was interrupted as Cupcake cleared her throat. Twilight glanced at her, and the mettle faded from her expression. “Be careful, dear.” She whispered.

“I will.” Pandora gave her family one last smile, then snapped after Tia, leaving her dress to flutter to the ground.

“I hope that bitch kicks her ass.” The entire crowd turned to stare at Skyla, who gave an indignant huff. “What? I ask for one day and she can’t even do that!”

There were some mutterings of agreement at that.

Tia landed with a thump, rolling her mechanical shoulders as she waited for Pandora to appear. A moment later, she appeared with a snap. In that moment, if Tia’s mech had possessed a face, it would have been grinning.

“So, at last we meet on the field of battle.” Her hooves ground the dirt, gouging deep furrows in anticipation. “Ohhh, I’ve been looking forward to this.”

“Less talk, more—” Pandora snapped her paw, just barely avoiding the blazing stream of energy that lanced at her. Instead, it sliced into the ground, leaving glowing furrows of molten glass where there had once been grass and flowers.

“Careful what you wish for!” Tia cackled, those cannons whipping up into a staccato of thunderclaps as beam after beam lanced out, perforating the ground. Again and again she swept a flashing web of death into the ground, beginning to growl as salvo after salvo missed their mark. “Stop teleporting!”

“Stop missing!” Pandora teased, snapping her paw and conjuring a massive anvil above the mech. Before it could fall more than a foot, those cannons whipped up on their pivots and sliced it into four symmetrical pieces, leaving them to fall harmlessly to each side.

“If you insist!” The cannons blazed to full power, but instead of firing in searing flashes, they started to sweep around like great lawnmower blades. Using her boosters, Tia flipped into the air, turning the whole area into a kaleidoscope of burning death.

“Nice try!” Pandora pushed her snapping skills to the max, flicking from place to place at the speed of thought, the two engaged in a deadly duel of reflexes only one could win. The seconds dragged on like years, until one of them finally made a mistake.

“Son of a--” Tia swore as one of her hooves slipped on a patch of molten earth. She flipped onto her back, and the impact interrupted the whirring of her cannons. The blow knocked one of the beams off course, forcing its blazing path to cut clean through its brother. With a sputter and an arc of electricity, the bisected cannon guttered and died. “Dammit!”

“Well, that’s one way to not miss!” Pandora chortled, as the mech picked itself up.

“This is bullshit. Stars should have to die to fuel that many teleports,” Tia snarled as she righted herself.

“So spill, unless you think you can still win?” Pandora continued to snicker, even as she snapped out of the way of another bolt. “Because, really? I don’t see it.”

“You know, I really wanted to win this straight up. Clearly that’s not going to happen.” The mech started to make odd noises, and it took Pandora’s ears a moment to pick up on the notes of music. Something about the cadence was strange though, like there was something to the beat that made the blood run quicker. She was so distracted that she almost didn’t snap in time for the next bolt.

Only she didn’t teleport.

“Aaaaghn!” The blast kicked her back a good five meters, flipping her onto her back and knocking the wind from her. She gasped desperately for air even as the scent of burnt fur choked her nostrils. “What on…”

“That’s more like it!” Tia crooned, immediately punting Pandora with another blast. “You know, our scientists had heard stories about the relationship between music and magic. They’ll be so happy to hear they’re right.”

“How…? This shouldn’t be possible!” She tried snapping her paw again, but all that greeted her was the sound itself. She only barely dove out of the way of the next blast, the heat of its passing searing along her back. “It’s just music!”

“Not just any music, scrublord!” Tia proceeded to chase Pandora with another sweep of her cannon, cackling like mad as she raced away from the scorching stream. “This is fight music! It revels in the glories of matched combat! And, it seems, it levels the playing field a bit!”

“Damn damn damn!” Pandora frantically snapped her paws, but nothing at all happened, leaving her to suffer another blazing lash across her body as Tia finally caught her. Laying there in the dirt, the agony of a fresh burn along her side, she suddenly remembered the last time she’d truly been struck down.

Skyla sneered down at her, the prim princess’s own blade held aloft as she wore her fencing gear like royal regalia.

“I told you she was too clumsy.” She sneered, even as her father helped Pandora up.

“She’s not too clumsy.” Shining corrected, shooting his daughter a firm stare. “She’s just a little too aggressive.”

“This is dumb.” Pandora pouted, still nursing the welt on her side where Skyla had really gone after her. “If I could teleport, I’d poke you until you were a pincushion.”

“Girls!” Shining chastised, before turning to Pandora. “Pandora, not everything can be solved with brute force. You’re a very powerful filly, Pandora, but that’s exactly why it’s important to learn control. You can’t just snap your way through life. Sometimes,” he passed the foil back to her, “you have to do things the simple way.”

“Any last words?” Tia leveled the glowing barrel of her cannon at Pandora, leaving her only a moment to think.

“Nope!” Pandora snapped her paw, but instead of trying to teleport, she conjured a shield. Not just any shield, but the strongest shield, one that was as much will as metal. Perhaps coincidentally, what flashed into existence was a dead ringer for her uncle’s cutie mark.

“Technically, nope’s a word!” That cannon lanced out, and for a heart-stopping moment, Pandora thought she was a goner. The shield bucked in her grip, and her hooves dug into the earth as she struggled to hold. Suddenly, the pressure eased. “What? How?”

“You said it was fight music, didn’t you?” Pandora dug in her hooves and charged, that shield rattling like a gong as the cannon tore into it over and over. “Well I feel like fighting!”

“Prove it!” There was an ominous hum, and this time the cannon thundered with force, the gravel on the ground jumping into the air as it ripped at Pandora. It surely would have knocked her over, shield or no, except she held only loosely to her shield. Letting it be torn from her grip, she snapped her paw and conjured a blade just as she had the shield, a mighty side-sword composed of all her courage and determination. Admittedly, it wasn’t as large as she’d have liked, but it’d work.

“Can do!” She swung her blade into the mounting of the other cannon, lopping it off with a screech of steel. Tia recoiled even as Pandora’s followup swing bit deeply into her armor, leaving a deep gash in the pale brown camouflage. “How do you like that!”

“Better!” Tia growled, bloodlust thick in her voice. She thrust out her mech’s hoof and let the rockets tear a roaring gash from the earth.

“Not good enough!” Pandora spun out of the way, possessed of a fighting skill she never knew she had. Twirling her blade with her, she lopped off the leg, and followed with another, leaving Tia’s mech to fall pathetically on its face.

“Ahahahahaah!” Tia crowed, the top of her mech popping open and ejecting her from its depths. “Now this is a fight!”

“You want it, you got it!” Pandora cried as well, rushing up to meet the mare in single battle, caught up in the moment as the music carried her on. Her blade rose as Tia’s razor edged wings fell, and the two met in a glorious spray of sparks amid the scorched battlefield around them. Landing, Tia followed up with twin slashes that Pandora only barely knocked aside before replying with her own.

The two danced for hours, the air echoing with their clashes as their hooves churned the seared earth. Tia was the faster, with a clear advantage in skill, but every time she disarmed Pandora she would simply conjure up another weapon with a snap of her paw. It got to the point where Pandora even let herself be disarmed if only to leave Tia open to a counterattack. Even so, the battle ground to a bloody stalemate, each one giving every knick they received.

“Enough!” Tia barked, causing Pandora to stop in her tracks as the music abruptly died. “There’s only one way to resolve this.”

“What?” Pandora panted, taking a moment to snap up a handkerchief and wipe the drool from her lips.

“We’ve studied magic, on my world. It’s an extension of the will, same as psionics or any such discipline.” She walked up to her mech, a few panels receding away at her approach. Within glittered a light, the color of which Pandora couldn’t properly describe. “They’re all branches of the same tree, sharing the same roots.”

“Get to the point.” Pandora muttered, beginning to notice the ache in her muscles.

“There is a state of being beyond magic, beyond psionics and science and all such things.” She pulled out a canister from which the strange light shone. “It is a state of true being, of self unadulterated. That, is where I wish to fight you.”

“And if I win?” Pandora asked. “That’s it, I win?”

“Is that all you care about?” Tia actually sounded disappointed. “If you win?”

“What should I care about?” Pandora asked.

“The winning should be it’s own reward. I’ve never been here to kill, to hurt.” Tia shook her head. “Just to win.”

“Didn’t seem that way before.” Pandora snarked.

“Well,” Tia smirked, “you were just an annoyance then. Now, I want to crush you for real.”

“Fine,” Pandora grunted. “Let’s roll.”

A sparkle in her eyes, Tia crushed the canister.

And the world dissolved to white.

There was no existence after the flash. And yet, there was only existence. The two of them wavered like flames in the void. Pandora was a sea of violet and white, mirth and mischief mixed with power and pride. Within her flickered twisted endless always-wills and never-weres, an ocean of hidden potential with no bottom and no end.

Tia was a burning plain, so much shallower than Pandora but endless in scope. Ten thousand lifetimes of ten million wars stretched endlessly into infinity. Countless legions of the dead warriors she had once been and always would be stood ready, their blades, hammers, spears and claws forever wet with fresh blood.

They clashed in a way no words could describe. Power against age, desire against determination. They drowned, burned, cut, twisted and died in ways beyond description. Ten billion battles passed in the blink of an eye, every possible permutation and possibility played out at once. The orchestras of war cried their anthems into the void, and oceans of blood washed upon continents of the dead.

And it all boiled down to one moment, upon an empty void that never was and never would be. At one end was Tia, the other, Pandora. Each stood ready, armed with the sum of themselves. They were not blades, not hammers, but weapons in the truest sense. The two of them charged, unstoppable forces coming together in one final clash.

The music rose.

Their weapons met.

And Pandora’s broke.

She sat there on hooves and paws, staring into the churned earth. She slowly turned over her paw, feeling the earth against her pads. She looked up, and there was the scorched wasteland of the battlefield, the fallen mech of her foe. Upon it was her foe herself, sitting and watching her like a sphinx.

“I…” Pandora struggled for words, but none came. It felt like she was a rug, suddenly unwoven and left on the ground.

“I said I’d destroy you like you destroyed me.” Tia shrugged and hopped off the mech, taking a moment to stretch. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not all that dead.”

“What?” Pandora croaked, not even really sure what she was asking.

“What you destroyed was my pride. And so I wanted to do the same to you, to destroy you in a way you could never deny.” She reached over and patted Pandora condescendingly on the head. “The very essences of who we are clashed, and I won.”

Pandora could only stare, kneading the earth in her paws with a strange sense of unreality. It was as though she had died, without dying. As if she’d been run through, and had bid farewell by all she knew, only to carry on anyway.

“But, seeing as I’m in a good mood, I think I’ll give you your prize anyway.” She hopped up on the mech, flicking her tail like a pleased cat. “We never wanted Skyla.”

“What?” Pandora managed, the shock of the revelation finally giving her something to focus on, around which to rebuild her identity.

“We wanted you, dumbass. To see what you were capable of.” She lifted a hoof, and inspected it idly. “Of course, we needed to see you give it your all, so we set you up to take the fall. Then we just let you come to us, and passed back your princess once we were done.”

“Why?” was all Pandora could manage.

“Oh, the higher ups have been bouncing around the idea of a cloning program for a while now. Draconequui can be difficult, but the potential is there. So much more than alicorns. The hardest part is figuring out how to reliably cultivate a creature with only the basest ties to reality.” She grinned. “Though, after the show you put on, I’m sure they’ll be working overtime to figure out how.”

“I...I…” Pandora couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Figured as much.” A black shadow fell over the field. “And that’s my ride! Peace out, keep safe, and the commonwealth thanks you for the unpaid donation of your time.” Heavy grappling hooks fell from above, affixing to the mech and Tia as well. “Feel free to drop by, if you ever figure out how! I’m sure your sisters would love to meet you!”

With a roar of the engines, the ship took off for that distant doorway to a sky's worth of cities around a sun of their own.

Pandora merely sat in the dirt, and stared.

The sun was setting when Cupcake finally arrived with a big tray of her namesake, and a slice of wedding cake. She simply sat down and offered one to Pandora.

“Rough day, boss?” she asked.

“You have no damn idea.” Pandora glanced at the cupcakes, noticing that the frosting was done in a passable impression of princess Skyla’s head. She picked it up and demolished it with a bit of vigorous chewing. “And Cupcake?”

“Yes, boss?” she asked.

“Thanks for everything.” Pandora said, staring off into the sky.

“Anytime, boss.”