One Day at a Time

by draconis72000

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Original Character
Length: 4778

A nameless limousine driver is suddenly transported to Equestria and makes snap judgements about what he has to do to survive.

A nameless limousine driver is suddenly transported to Equestria and makes snap judgements about what he has to do to survive and hopefully gain his eventual freedom.

Rated teen for some inappropriate humor and the fact that most of the characters walk around naked.

The number of fanfics I've written before should not affect how much you enjoy the story, but this is my first. I ask that you please read this with your lowest expectations and keep your criticisms concise and constructive.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy it.

Published 2014-10-13 11:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-16 10:11:13 UTC

Chapter 1: Oh God, my innocence!

My name is… huh? Well that’s inconvenient. Driver? No, that was my title. Let’s just put that to the for now. Not long ago, I was a young man happily wrapped up snugly in my bed drifting off to Dreamland™ after a hard days work. Fate seemed to take issue with my contentment, because suddenly my blankets and mattress disappeared and I found myself falling a few feet onto what turned out to be a polished hardwood floor.

What the hell?! I thought as I quickly sat up trying to get my bearings.

After frantically looking around the room, I noticed I was in a windowless basement lined with bookshelves and a few small pieces of furniture. I also found, to my great embarrassment, that I was completely naked. I had somehow lost my favorite PJ's along with my bed and my room and my- you know what I’m getting off track.

I sat with my legs together in an attempt to be decent without losing the use of my hands. If I’ve just been kidnapped, I need to find a weapon before... unpleasant things happened to me. Just as I was about to reach for one of the larger books and a small desk, a feminine voice seemed to pass through the wall behind me. I turned toward it as I listened.

“See, I told you I could control where it appeared to within 10 hoof lengths” stated the smug voice through a large painting of a white horse-thing with wings and a horn. In my hasty search for weapons, I hadn’t noticed the painting or the small door it hung next to.

Oh thank God it’s a woman! I thought as I let out a breath. It isn’t that much better, but if my innocence is to be stolen, I’ll take what mercies I can get.

“I know you’re great at magic Twilight, but you need to finish reading the warnings on your spells before you try them out. What if the summoning caused a giant explosion when it grabbed the thing.” replied a childish voice.

Oh my God! What kind of sick freak brings a child along to- Wait, Magic? Spells? Summoning? I wondered for a moment. Oh no, I’ve been abducted by a cult! I’m gonna be sacrificed to the devil by his hippie girlfriend and her illegitimate child!

“Spike! I’ve told you before, that only happened once and it was because Rainbow Dash swapped my spell books halfway through without me noticing.” said the voice now identified as Twilight. I noticed as the voice shifted position behind the painting, I could hear the clip clop of hooves. “Anyway, this spell was far too exciting for me to sit and re-read the standard conjuration warnings again.” I heard the voice named Spike grumble something, but couldn’t make it out.

“What is this thing anyway? Is it some kind of hairless m-monster?” asked Spike with a slight tremble in his voice.

“What? No. The spell was designed to bring creatures from another dimension into ours, so it has safeties built into it. It has to be a common species on its world with limited intelligence and strength. As an extra precaution, I restricted it to non-magical creatures.”

Wait a tick, did she say another dimension? How- What does she mean by ‘limited intelligence?!!’ I may be a high school dropout, but I am no idiot. I huffed internally. Wait, that isn’t important. I was abducted by aliens! Oh God, I'm right back to being anally probed against my will! My internal screaming was cut off as Twilight spoke again.

“We still need to figure out just how intelligent it is though. It shouldn’t be any smarter than a rabbit or at most a dog. We need to make sure we can train it well enough that it’s safe to let it interact with other creatures or ponies.”

So, she wants me as a pet? It looks like being too smart or too dumb will make her think I'm dangerous. That doesn’t make a bit of sense, why not just buy a normal pet?! What happens if they decide I'm dangerous? My mind filled with visions of being put down by the aliens in increasingly horrible ways. No, that's not gonna happen. I can play along with the best of them.

“Hey Twilight, is it just me or has it been staring at us since we got here?”

“What? It shouldn’t be able to see us through the one-way painting… Oh! It can still hear us! It looks scared, it must be frightened by close noises is can’t locate.”

“Or maybe the talking painting is scaring it?” offered Spike with a hint of sarcasm.

“What could possibly be afraid of the image of Princess Celestia?”

I took this little exchange as my queue to stop staring and behave more like an animal. I remembered that our old dog Cody would hide under my bed whenever he was afraid. He also usually spent a week under it every time we moved apartments. I looked around for a bed to hide under… nothing. All that was in there with me were the overloaded bookshelves, a couple cardboard boxes and the small desk I wanted to use as a weapon earlier. No bed, really? What kind of owner doesn’t even prepare a place for their pet to sleep?

I thought back to Cody for inspiration again. He would sometimes grab our old magazines and make a little nest in the laundry room when we left him alone for too long. I figured this was as good an idea as I would come up with. At least it will show her I need more than a floor to sleep on.

I walked around the room like I had seen monkeys and gorillas doing at the zoo. I pretended to sniff at the few things scattered around. My embarrassment at being nude had subsided after I figured the creatures holding me probably didn’t even recognize what were or weren’t genitals on a human. I grabbed a few books off the shelves and looked them over, I quickly found that while their spoken language was the same as mine, their written language was incomprehensible to me.

“It seems to have gotten used to our presence. It looks curious about its new environment now. Go grab my clipboard, I want to record how it behaves in a new, unfamiliar setting.” directed Twilight. The order was followed by the sound of scratches quickly retreating and then coming near again.

I began grabbing larger books and used them to make a small two foot retaining wall around a section of floor in the corner. The sectioned off space would be just big enough for me to lie down inside it comfortably.

“Aww, look at that, it’s making a book fort, how cu-“

*RIIIIIIIIIP*

*CRUMPLE*

*TAP* *TAP* *TAP*

*RIIIIIIIIIP*

*CRUMPLE*

*TAP* *TAP* *TAP*

*RIIIIIIIIIP*

*CRUMPLE*

*TAP* *TAP* *TAP*

“KYAAA!!! What is it doing to my precious books?!!!” shrieked Twilight.

Her screaming instantly stopped me from tearing out book pages to make bedding. These were precious? Why would you leave anything of value near an unknown creature, or even a new untrained pet for that matter?! I quickly weighed my options and decided to hightail it to the corner farthest from the door and my attempted bed.

The door slammed open just as I reached my destination and put my back against the wall in case I needed to fight them off. A small purple horse-thing galloped into the room, followed by a smaller purple lizard-thing with green spines running on two legs. The horse-thing cried out in a voice that I recognized as Twilight from behind the painting.

“Oh Celestia, what have you done?!” She looked at me glaring with tears in her eyes. I was both ashamed and scared of what she was going to do to me.

“Twilight calm down, it doesn’t know what it did wrong! It was probably trying to make a place to sleep, or a nest to lay its eggs or something. That’s what animals do, it doesn’t know what a book is.” pleaded Spike. I vowed right then and there, that I would never speak another word. If she found out I did it on purpose, she’d kill me… or worse.

“You’re right Spike,” she said as her shoulders sagged a bit, “I shouldn’t have left these in here anyway.”

Common sense has finally made an appearance! I did a little jig inside.

“Not to mention, I haven’t provided it with anything. Its going to need a place to sleep and- Oh no! I don’t know what it eats or if it needs water or if anything we have will be poisonous to it!” I was amazed. She was clearly alien, but her features were very human-like and even the way she expressed her emotions was almost human.

“It’s fine Twilight. I’m sure a creature of that size can go a night without food.”

Hey, what are you trying the say? I thought.

“And Fluttershy can probably tell us what it eats tomorrow. As for water, we’ll leave a bowl out tonight, if it drinks it we’ll know it needs water.” continued Spike, heedless of my internal indignation.

By this point, I had calmed down and pulled my aching back away from the wall. Twilight agreed with spike and seemed to be calming as well. When Spike left to go get me a bowl of water, I saw a light shine on Twilights head. A horn above her forehead was glowing and I noticed the pages I tore out of the books did the same. By the time I processed what was going on, the pages floated back to their original books and seemed to heal back into place. I was shocked by the display and Twilight noticed my expression.

“It’s ok, I won’t hurt you. I’m not mad anymore.” She raised her right foreleg and reached a hoof towards me pulling it back in an attempt to coax me towards her.

I’ll be honest, I was more than a little hesitant. From the sound of it she could make things explode with her mind. I kept my eyes glued to her horn as I slowly approached her. That was when spike walked in with what looked like a mixing bowl full of water. Twilights horn lit up and I instantly jumped back to the corner. It wasn’t until I realized she was grabbing the bowl that my heart rate began to go down.

“Whoa! I think it’s afraid of magic. Did you see how it reacted when your horn lit up?”

“Maybe it has a natural predator that uses magic like unicorns do? I’ll have to keep my magic to a minimum until it gets used to me.” said Twilight with a sigh. “That means I can’t take it over to Fluttershys cottage, she’ll have to come here to the library.

Library? That explains all the books. There’s no way one person would have this many books without having some serious issues. I thought. So that horn glowing thing is their “Magic” huh? I guess the term unicorn fits though. My thoughts were interrupted by a yawn from Spike.

“I’m getting tired, can we finish all this tomorrow?”

“In a moment. I need you to distract it for a minute. I want to teleport the mattress and bedding from the guest bed down here. I also need to move the more delicate and expensive books upstairs for safety. I don’t need it to freak out due to all of that magic happening at once.”

“Sure thing.” he said as he walked over to a wall away from Twilight waving his little arms. “Over here- Wait, what do we call this thing?”

Twilight thought for a second and said “N. E. One,” at Spikes confused expression she continued, “Non-Equestrial One or ‘N. E. One’ for short.”

Spike shrugged his shoulders and called, “Here Eny, look at me.”

Even with Spike doing his best to distract me, I clearly saw the purple flashes from around the room. I ignored them as best I could, after a minute Twilight had the basement in order.

“Alright Spike, I’m done, lets write a letter to the princess with the information we have and head to bed.” said Twilight as she trotted out the door. As soon as Spike exited, the door closed and I heard the tell-tale click of a lock.

I looked around and noticed that about a third of the books were gone. The desk remained, but in place of my retaining wall was a small futon style stuffed mattress with a few pillows and a quilt of some kind piled on it. I couldn’t sprawl out on it, so I curled up with my head on one pillow while hugging the other and wrapped myself in the quilt. Before I had a chance to ponder my situation, I was taken by a dreamless sleep.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed reading so far.

I will be completely honest with you. I am making this thing up as I go along. It is totally unplanned, at best I have vague ideas of scenes I want to see in it.

Thank you and have a wonderful day. :)

Chapter 2: This might be a problem.

I awoke to the aches and pains associated with sleeping in an unfamiliar bed and position. As my mind slowly slipped from the embrace of oblivion, I found myself in the not quite familiar, windowless room. Despite there being no immediately identifiable light sources, I could see just fine. I would have pondered this, but my mind suddenly caught up with the events of the previous evening. I did what any rugged man in my situation would have done. I curled up into the fetal position, started to hyperventilate and had a panic attack.

Oh my god, I’ve been abducted by some crazy alien horse intent on keeping me as a pet! How am I going to get home? Can I get home? I don’t want to be an alien love toy!

She can blow you up with her mind, who says you’ll have a choice?

Maybe there’s an alien PETA. If I can escape, they’ll send me home, or at least release me into the wild.

I don’t know, your survival skills are a couple decades out of practice and this place might have man eating mushrooms or hordes of zombie chickens or something.

Zombies aren’t real… Wait, who the heck are you and how did you get in my brain?

You are panicking so hard that you are about to pass out from hyperventilating, madness is a hairs breadth away and you are worried about who the voice in your head is? Also, why do you assume it wants you for sex? That’s probably not a normal assumption to make in this situation.

Um-, with that elegant rebuttal, I was out cold again.

I awoke again an indeterminate amount of time later. This time I felt calmer and more collected. Thank you subconscious! My throat was dry and made breathing painful. I looked around for a faucet or some other kind of water tap, but all I found was the bowl of water Spike brought in last night. I figured it was a good idea to drink it before they decided that I could live without water. I drank it down, slowly letting the water soothe my parched throat. After a small coughing fit, I finished the water and sat on the mattress to think.

I can’t stay here. Even if I could keep this act up, it wouldn’t help me find my way back, or would it? I need to find the machine or portal or whatever Twilight used to bring me here and use it to get home. A weak plan began to form in my mind. If I watch her closely enough I may find out what she used. I may even be able to steal it and use it. It was at this point I heard the sound of hooves approaching the door. I quickly assumed a less dignified pose and waited for Twilight to enter.

To my surprise, Twilight was not alone or with Spike. Another small alien like Twilight followed behind her. This one was colored differently. It was yellow with a long pink mane and tail, as opposed to Twilights various shades of purple. It also had wings on its back and no horn that I could see. A male maybe? A different race or perhaps subspecies? Maybe a servant or slave caste? I thought. Its demeanor gave me the impression it would do what ever was demanded of it for fear of abuse. My heart instantly ached for it, at least, until it turned its downcast eyes towards me.

It was like a switch had been flipped. Its face instantly lit up and all traces of hesitation vanished as a small smile quickly spread across its features.

“Oh my, I’ve never met a creature like this before. It shares a lot of features with the apes in Southern Equestria, but it lacks facial horns and shoulder plates. I’ve also never seen an ape of any kind that has two different types of paws before.” She, her voice told me she was female, hovered around me excitedly as she prattled on about how strange and exotic, yet familiar my physiology seemed. As she did so, she made clear hoof gestures that compelled me to pose and move as she wished.

“Yes Fluttershy, I’m aware it is a unique specimen,” cut in Twilight after a few minutes, where I found myself laying flat with my back on the floor, “but I was hoping you could give me some information on how to care for it. I don’t even know what to feed it-”

“Him.” corrected Fluttershy.

“What?” asked Twilight, causing Fluttershy to better resemble her name for a moment before she perked back up.

“It’s a male.” She said as she reached out and spread my thighs a bit with her hooves to better show my genitals.

I immediately snapped back to reality and felt a rush of embarrassment course through me. I scrambled away from her wandering hooves as fast as my flailing limbs could carry me. Vile molester, I won’t be taken so easily! I screamed in my mind. The blush radiating from every capillary in my body would have made a cherry jealous. After I hit the wall, I curled up into the best position I could find that hid my shame.

“Oh no!” exclaimed Fluttershy with all the volume of a phone set to vibrate. “It’s ok, I won’t hurt you!”

“What was that?” asked Twilight.

“Ohh! I was so excited about meeting a new creature, that I forgot animals without sheathes are very defensive about their genitals.” answered Fluttershy as she tried to coax me away from the wall. “He’s so upset. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me.” she said, as tears began to well in her eyes.

I don’t know why, but the look on her face broke my heart. It was like looking at a hundred sad, big eyed puppies, slowly being pulled away by train toward a hard labor camp in a coal mine. Before I knew it, my body had already crawled over to her and I began petting her in a consoling manner. That just isn’t fair. She sniffled a bit and a very small smile showed me she had calmed down. Our tender moment was ruined when Twilight cleared her throat.

“Um, ok, I won’t be making that mistake.” stated twilight with a clear blush on her face. “I hate to hurry you Fluttershy, but he hasn’t eaten for at least 20 hours and while I’m kind of worried about his health, his fangs also worry me. I’m concerned he might try biting somepony out of hunger before too long.”

“Oh, yes, of course.” replied Fluttershy as she started making those commanding hoof gestures again. She had me open my mouth and eyes, then had me posing like before. This time, as I posed, she was looking at me more like a doctor would look at a patient. She ran her hooves along my muscles and bones and rested her head against my chest and back, presumably to hear my heart and breathing. She seemed to pay particular attention to my hips and knees. When it came time to examine my more intimate regions she slowly and carefully moved her hooves in a way that screamed “Non-threatening” and “Stay calm.” After about a half an hour of poking and prodding she turned to Twilight who was busy floating a feather quill around her 40th piece of paper. She nuzzled my shoulder and used one of her forelegs to gently rub the nap of my neck. Twilight looked up as Fluttershy spoke.

“I've given him a full physical examination. He seems to be an omnivore, so you’ll need to make sure he receives a varied diet.” she said with confidence. “Exactly how varied it is, I can’t say for sure. I recommend that you prepare samples of several different foods and allow him to find what is suitable for him through instinct. I can make you a list of foods to try.” She shifted and directed me to lie against her side as she continued various techniques to soothe me.

“Ok.” said Twilight. “Can you tell if he would be safe to have among other ponies?” asked Twilight. Ponies, is that what they call themselves? Trippy. I thought.

“Oh yes.” Responded Fluttershy as she stroked my back with one of her wings. Why can’t I be Fluttershys pet? I’d gladly stay here! “His eyes are not those of a predator and his canines would likely break if he tried to pierce a ponys hide. I’ve never encountered a creature so fragile before.” Fragile? I’m not fragile. I’m even in pretty good shape.

“What do you mean by fragile? asked Twilight. “Is he sick or injured?”

“No, he is just very soft.” At Twilights confused look, Fluttershy continued. “His bone density is very low, the same with his muscles and other tissues. He’s quite light and even softer than Angel Bunny.”

“Great, his species must be a snack for the predators of his world. No wonder he’s so skittish. I summoned the extra dimensional equivalent of a squirrel.” Grumbled Twilight, followed by a sigh.

“I don’t believe so,” said Fluttershy. “He is far too intelligent to be a common prey animal. He may even be smarter than a chimpanzee.” The statement seemed to shock Twilight for a moment so Fluttershy continued. “He can understand even complex direction as well as any pony. Most of my animals require blunt direction in addition to physical involvement to understand what he did with just body language and simple hoof gestures.” Oh crap! I messed up! I am so screwed!

“That... shouldn’t be possible.” said Twilight as she paced back and forth in front of us. “The spell had strict intelligence limits in place. He can’t be that smart. He tried to make a nest out of my books for Celestias sake!” exclaimed Twilight. She then pointed a hoof at me. “What are you?! Are you smart, or are you dumb?!” I shrank away from her. Her mane was beginning to frizz and her eyes were twitching. I could practically hear myself exploding already. Dear Lord, if you can hear me in this far away place-

“Twilight Sparkle!” chastised Fluttershy in a voice that dripped with a mother’s disapproval. “I am ashamed at you, can’t you see you are scaring the poor dear? You calm down this instant and apologize!” Twilight cowed immediately and I was left very confused. I thought Fluttershy was the subservient one.

“I-I’m sorry.” said Twilight to the ground at Fluttershys hooves.

“Not to me.” responded Fluttershy curtly.

Twilight glanced in my direction causing me to shy away a bit. She sighed and said, “I’m sorry Eny”

I guess Spikes nick name is what stuck. I thought as I tried to figure what I needed to do next. Luckily Fluttershy stepped in again.

“I don’t think he understands us Twilight, he probably knows you are talking to him, but he doesn’t know what you are saying. Try petting him a bit, it seems to calm him, so it will let him know you aren’t mad anymore.”

Twilight slowly reached out a hoof and none too lightly, patted a hard hoof against my skull.

I woke up for the third time in recent memory alone inside the windowless room. I had a splitting headache and a bandage wrapped around my head concealing a small bump. It looked as though the ponies had made a small nest with the blanket and pillows and placed me inside it. I looked around the room and saw my water bowl had been re-filled. Now, I also had a large sectioned off tray next to it with little piles of what looked like mostly food in each section. My stomach rumbled fiercely and I took the hint that it might be hungry.

I walked over to the tray and had a look inside. Most of it was full of various fruits, some of which I recognized. There were several sections with vegetables as well. I saw some unprocessed grains and grasses along with flowers and a few kinds of nuts. What got my attention though, were the two sections that had meat. The first almost resembled a small raw steak, but it was too purple and smelled nothing like beef. The fact it had a green bone also pushed me to shy away from it. The second meat was a small whole fish. I have no problem with sushi, but that fish is cleaned and prepared. There was no way I could make the fish appetizing with only my bare hands. My decisions made, I grabbed any fruit I recognized, along with some of the vegetables and nuts, and then I headed to my bed. My stomach let out another growl as I raised a delicious looking red apple to my lips and bit down with enthusiasm… I then yelled out in manly pain.

Twilight and Spike came running through the door as I rolled around on the ground cupping my throbbing jaw and aching teeth. Twilight looked around frantically obviously trying to figure out what happened, while Spike alternated between reaching out to me, pulling back away from me and looking lost. Twilight looked at the apple as I harmlessly rolled over it. She then took hold of it with her magic and brought it up to her face to examine the slight teeth shaped indents in its skin.

I heard an audible click from inside her skull just before she exclaimed, “Of course, our foods are too hard for him! Oh no!” I then felt a surge of what felt like slightly charged water wash over me, as Twilight lifted me in her magic. She gently pulled my hands away from my mouth, pulled it open and peered inside.

“Well, he isn’t bleeding, but it looks like he chipped several of his front teeth.” stated Twilight. Her horn started to grow a little brighter and I felt small pieces of something shift around in my mouth. Then I felt as though a bunch of little pieces slid into place in my teeth and the pain subsided. She set me down and all I could do was stare at her like a fool. I suddenly had the urge to give her the biggest hug ever, and I would have had too, if I hadn’t slipped on a scattering of grapes and brained myself on the small desk.

As my vision blurred and went black, I wondered how common head trauma was going to be for me here.

Author's Note

Sorry for taking so long to get this out. The day after I posted Chapter one, life decided to slap me silly.

On another note, I find it easiest to edit these chapters on my computer, but it seems when I copy them over all formatting is lost and punctuation marks sometimes disappear. I tried to fix it up the best I could, but if you see an obvious errors feel free to let me know. :)

Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful day. :)