The Next-Gen Nine

by The Dankest Meme

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Adventure, Crossover, Zecora, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3791

Eighteen mercenaries. Seven ponies. One dragon, and one zebra. Their opposition: a seemingly endless army of robots bent on destroying them all. Survival is key, but nobody said it was top priority.

Gray Mann, third son of Zepheniah Mann and brother of Redmond and Blutarch Mann, holds power over a massive legion of robots that will obey him without question. What does he plan to do, you may ask? Oh, nothing at all.
Except destroy all things Mann Co.

*Crossover with Team Fortress 2.*
*If anyone wants to do a piece of coverart, I will gladly accept it, as long as it is relevant to Mann Vs. Machine in some way. I have no idea who made this one.*

Published 2014-10-14 00:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-10 17:31:47 UTC

Meet The Mercs

Chapter II: Meet The Mercs

"Didn't ya hear me, Spy?" a man with a decidedly Australian accent asked. "My rifle can blow yer brains out before ya even get close enough to use that little knife o' yours!"

"That is true," Spy retorted, "but how will you know if I am a doctor or a killer? I can simply disguise myself as someone else, and you will never see me coming. Who knows? Any single one of us could be that insipid RED Spy!"

"Man, I hate that guy."

"Listen to me, Scout," Spy sneered, brandishing his knife, "have you ever even seen another Spy like me? We are a deadly race, one of both brains and brawn. We can kill you before anyone sees us, then slip back into the shadows unnoticed, leaving behind only your body for your teammates to ponder the death of while we pick them off one by one."

"Whatever. Those Spies're nothin' but dime-a-dozen, backstabbin', lowdown scumbags. No offense."

"Do you not remember what the RED Spy did to your mother?"

"I told ya t' never bring that up again! I can already barely deal wit' Soldier and Heavy talkin' 'bout it all the time!"

"Once we die, you won't have a care in the-" a massive boom cut off Soldier's reply, forcing the nine of them to gather their weapons.

"Nine enemies have entered the base!"

"Where are we?" Rainbow Dash stumbled to her hooves, trying to make sense of where she and her friends had landed. Directly above her, she noticed a holographic sign with the word "BLU" printed on it.

Wow, whoever lives here really doesn't know how to spell.

"... Five more minutes..." Spike wearily stood up beside her, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

Two explosions echoed on both sides of them, sending two men onto the ground. One of them wore a blue jacket and held a rocket launcher on his shoulder, while the other was dressed in red, waving an empty bottle at the man in blue.

"Looks like we meet again, Tavish."

"Yer gonna regret ever callin' me that, ya bleedin' idiot!"

"What the heck is going on here?" Rainbow stared blankly at the BLU Soldier, cocking her head to the side in confusion.

"Who the hell're you?" a seemingly teenaged boy in red bolted to the Demoman's side, grasping a baseball bat in his hand.

"I'm Rainbow Dash. Who are you?"

"They call me Scout. Do you even know who you're talkin' to? Basically, kind of a big deal."

"You look pretty fast. Care for a race?"

"Oh, you're on!"

"Wait!" the Demoman's shout went unheard. They ditched the other two mercenaries, leaving the Soldier and Demoman facing each other down. The BLU Soldier looked over the eight creatures that had been dropped into their territory, almost expecting them to do something. Instead, they just stood there, trying to figure out what was happening. Finally, he noticed the two unicorns in the crowd.

"Look, you two, no matter what, stay away from either one of our Pyros."

"What's a Pyro?" Twilight levitated a scroll and quill in front of her, waiting for his explanation.

"You better put that down before I do it for you." he pulled out a shotgun, pumping it once and aiming at her head.

"Sure. So, what's a Pyro?"

"You really don't wanna-"

"MMPH, MMPH, MMPH!" a strange humanoid figure in a blue flame-retardant suit charged towards them, burning the RED Demoman to a crisp with a flamethrower. It nearly turned its weapon on the others, but the Soldier stopped it.

"Pyro, don't! They haven't done anything yet!"

"I am fully charged!" a voice rang out from nearby, holding an apparently German affectation. In a few moments, two men stepped out from around the corner, one of them a hulking beast of a human winding the barrels of a gigantic minigun, while the German who stood behind him trained a laser-like object on his body. Both of them dressed in red. Immediately, the Medic pulled a switch on his Medigun, giving his body a bright red sheen. Before he could realize what was happening, the Heavy's clothing turned blue. He quickly stepped behind the Medic, disappearing while he looked around for the Spy. Finally, the ÜberCharge dissipated, allowing the Spy to stab him in the back with a small knife.

"Smooth." Soldier remarked, twirling the shotgun around on his finger.

"Not exactly. I have blood on my suit."

"Speaking of your suit," Rarity interrupted, "where did you get it? I must know!"

"Who are you?"he drew his revolver, holding it to her forehead.

"My name is Rarity. There is no need for such a violent reaction!"

"Why would you say that? There is a chance that you could be another Spy, or an enemy period. To quote my mortal nemesis, "Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.". Despite his underhanded tactics, he is quite wise. You would do well to follow his wisdom."

"Another Spy? Who's the other one?"

"Me, you insipid horse!" Rarity's eyes flashed with pure rage.

"What... did you just call me!?"

"A horse. You are clearly a horse, therefore I called you one."

Rarity pulled the Spy's gun from his hand, blowing a hole through his head with a single round.

"Don't call me a whorse, or you will rue the day you were born."

"That's some skill right there." the Soldier commented. "How'd you like to work for the Builders League United, little lady?"

"No, thank you. I will not have anything to do with the place that he came from."

"Fine. Any of you maggots wanna work for the side that's tryin' to save all our sorry asses?" three hooves rose into the air at once.

"Looks like we've got three new recruits!"

"Eeyup!" Big Macintosh and Applejack replied simultaneously.

"Blue is my favorite color!" Pinkie announced, bouncing around his feet.

"I have a feeling that you and Pyro are gonna get along real well.

Now," he cracked his knuckles while the Pyro hefted his flamethrower and cheered, "I'm givin' the rest of you worthless bastards ten seconds before we blow you to bits, or in his case, force you to die a horrible, flaming death."

"Hang on!" Spike cried. "I'll join you!"

"Good choice, kid."

"Do I get one of those?" he pointed at the Soldier's rocket launcher.

"I've got three little weapons with your name on 'em back at the base. For now, take this." he chuckled, passing the young dragon his shovel and shotgun.

"Wow, thanks!"

"Don't mention it, bud. As for you five, get the hell outta here unless you want your friends here to tear ya apart limb from limb."

Black & BLU

Chapter III: Black & BLU

BLU Base: Well, 11:15 AM

"I'm back," Soldier called, "and I brought us four more fighters!"

"Alright!" Scout cheered, spinning a baseball around on his fingertip.

"Excellent work, mein freund!" Medic praised, taking a look at the latest additions to their team.

"Now, we just need to find someone to teach them the ways of war. Dibs on the little guy." he rested a hand on Spike's recently aquired helmet.

"Line up, maggots!" seven of the other eight men stood in a straight formation.

"Now, go ahead and see who you wanna work with!"

"He looks happy today!" Pinkie remarked, rushing to the Pyro's side. It handed her a suit and a flamethrower, mumbling some form of instructions that she was seemingly able to understand.

"You seem like a man of strength," Heavy said to Big Macintosh, "why not come with me? Heavy could make you stronger than the rest of your tiny baby friends."

"Eeyup." the earth pony pounded a hoof against Heavy's open palm.

"Ah'll go with any a' y'all that're willin'!" Applejack joked, waiting for a response.

"C'mon." Engineer beckoned to her. "Ah'll teach ya a thing 'r two."

"Hey, where's Demoman?" Scout scratched his head in confusion.

"They're gonna bury what's left a' ya in a soup can!" a voice erupted from the basement, followed by multiple explosions.

"Someone's sappin' mah Sentry!" Engineer shoved them all aside, Applejack galloping beside him as they ran to the basement, finding Demoman standing over the corpse of a RED Spy.

"Thanks, pardner." Engineer said, removing the Sapper and repairing his Sentry Gun.

"T'was nothin'. I was glad t' get 'im out of our sights."

"This here's our new Assistant Engineer. Go on 'n introduce yerself, sugarcube."

"Guess Ah'll hafta find a new catchphrase." she turned her attention to Demoman.

"Name's Applejack, but ya c'n jus' call me AJ."

"Tavish McGroot. They call me Demoman. Technically, we're not supposed t' know each other's names, but things eventually get out in the open, y'know..."

RED Base: Well, 1:00 PM

"I see," the RED Spy replied to Rarity, "but how can I be sure that you actually killed him?"

"Well, his blood is on my coat, which I need to clean as soon as possible. If you won't let us join you, then could I at least use your shower?"

"Perhaps. But first, I have an assignment for you to carry out.

You, the blue thing!"

"My name is Rainbow Dash!"

"Did I ask for your name? You, the stripy one, and a group of us will head to the BLU base. Stripes, speak to Demoman. He will give you the necessary weaponry. Blue, find Scout. I'm not sure exactly where he went, but you seem fast enough to catch up with him. Whatever your name is, the white one, follow me. After that, come back here. We leave in an hour and a half."

"I will find the person of which you speak, and you will know that I am not that weak." Zecora saluted, trotting away to search for the Demoman.

"Before you leave," Spy aimed his revolver at her, "you'd better drop the rhyming, or you will never speak again."

"But there is no reason to my rhymes. They simply happen at the most constant of times."

"What did I just say?" the Frenchman pulled the hammer back.

"Yes, sir!"

"Good."

RED Base: Well, 2:30 PM

"Sniper, what can you see?" the RED Sniper held a mirror underneath the closed door in front of him.

"Second floor, one Sniper, a currently Level 1 Sentry Gun in the corner, and a Spy disguisin' himself. First floor, one Heavy and a Medic chargin' up, with a Pyro 'round the corner."

"Shouldn't be too hard. What kinda weapons they got?" Soldier began loading his rocket launcher, while Spike waited in place with his Black Box ready.

"Sniper's packin' a Machina and some Jar-Based Karate, so we might wanna send Spy in after 'im. Engineer's got a Jag and that dang Frontier Justice. I'll take out the Medic. He's got a Kritzkrieg, so he won't be invincible, but dangerous nonetheless. I think I saw an Ambassador on that Spy's belt. Go long for the Heavy, since he's bustin' out a Huo-Long Heater. Steer clear a' the Pyro altogether. Bloody Phlogistinator."

"How do you know all that?" Spike stared in awe at his briefing.

"A good assassin knows how t' observe his enemy's weakness and find their ace in the hole, so he c'n figure out a way t' counter it to the greatest effect. Speakin' a' which, ya might wanna switch that Black Box fer a Direct Hit, with an aim as good as yers. Scout, Winger and Atomizer, 'kay?"

"I'm hittin' this outta the park!"

"Rainbow, same fer you, 'cept I want ya takin' that Soda Popper."

"They're about t' get 20% Deader!"

"Pyro, I'm givin' ya one-time permission t' use yer Rainblower."

"Mmph..."

"Spy, give 'im Your Eternal Reward."

"Excellent idea."

"Hang on, there's a Demoman comin' in on the second floor. Spy, use yer Dead Ringer and that chunk a' sharpened ice."

"You mean... the Spy-Cicle?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, jus' get out there and kill 'em. Heavy, Medic, we're gonna need yer 'special delivery'."

"This is the curtain call." Heavy laughed, pulling out his Iron Curtain.

"The Iron Curtain call!" Medic corrected, a wicked grin spreading across his face as he switched his Medigun for a Quick-Fix.

"I'm gonna crack open the birthday present mum gave me and get up inta my usual perch.

Spike, on your call, we unleash hell. Got it?"

"You can count on me!"

BLU Base: Well, 2:15 PM

"Listen, AJ," Engineer started, "Ah'm about t' teach ya one a' the most important skills any Engineer worth his salt should know: how to remove a Sapper."

"Ya gonna tell me, or are ya gonna jus' sit there 'n wait fer me t' do it muhself?"

"Good idea.

Now, all ya gotta do is take yer wrench..."

"Eeyup."

"Then smack that Sapper hard as yer arm c'n hit!

After ya remove th' red 'n green wires, 'n tune the Sapper's frequency to KZQ-10z!"

"Huh?"

"Nah, Ah'm kiddin'. Jus' whack the dang thing, then take yer shotgun 'n blast the big mean Mother Hubbard that put it there in the first place."

"Y'know, Ah think Ah could get used t' this."

"Try tellin' me that when this mission's over." he replied darkly. "Now head down t' the Intel Room 'n set up that Sentry." there was a certain coldness to his voice that made her shiver a bit.

RED Base: Well, 2:20 PM

"Everyone ready?" Spike called, readying his weapons. A black pickaxe with a wooden handle dangled from his waist, clinking against a grenade and adding an edge to the eerie silence. The Demoman flipped up his grenade launcher's sight while the Medic absentmindedly turned the chamber on his syringe gun. In that moment, he realized that these men had been scarred by the horrors of war, and they could never recover or escape from it.

A set of eighteen people, all stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting for a cause that had no true objective behind it, since it was known that nothing would ever change.

Their lives had become a living hell, and Spike was determined to save them, no matter what.

"On three." the doors began to lift up.

"One..." sunlight streamed through the doorway.

"Two..." the BLU Sniper gave them a warning shot.

"Three!" with a number of unintelligible shouts, the once strangely calm arena known as Well turned into a warzone. Rainbow Dash and the RED Scout leapt over trailers and into the base, while heads exploded from seemingly nonexistent bullets, thanks to the Snipers. Spike charged across a set of train tracks, allowing the BLU Pyro trailing him to be flattened by a passing train. He fired a rocket at the ground behind him, launching his body through the sky to blast the Sniper with his shotgun from point-blank range and tumble into the window. The young dragon rolled away as three stickybombs detonated. He tossed his Escape Plan at the wall, causing it to rebound through the hall and plant itself in the Demoman's functioning eye.

"Sorry, buddy, but your face was blocking my throw!" Spike pulled his weapon from the Demoman's skull, quietly walking up a short ramp with his shotgun ready. Luckily, all he found was a friendly Scout. Upon closer inspection, he noticed that the Scout was moving slower than normal, and trying to get behind him.

"Spy!" he spun around with unbelievable speed, blowing the Spy's chest apart with a single pull of the trigger.

"Dude, you got blood between my scales! You know how hard that is to clean!?"

"Bombs away!" a jar filled with suspicious yellow liquid flew out of the doorway, completely missing Spike and landing outside the window.

"Dammit, Twi!" the BLU Scout shouted. "I told ya t' watch where ya throw that stuff!" Another jar filled with milk impacted against the glass in front of Spike's target.

"Twilight? You're working for them?"

"Spike? What happened to you?"

"Classified." the young drake muttered angrily, lunging after her with his pickaxe. Twilight wrapped Spike in her telekinetic grasp a moment before his attack succeeded.

"Let me go!"

Wait. The Mad Milk didn't break!

"Look! Your Jarate hit Princess Celestia!"

"What!?" he broke out of her grip, picking up the milk and dousing her with it.

"You ready to give up, Twi?"

"Nope. You might've gotten me just then, but I have a few advantages. First of all, I've got magic. If I wanted to, I could throw you out that window and be done with this. Or I could just toss you through this hole and splatter you against the floor. Furthermore...

I have a bigger gun." she aimed a highly decorated rifle at Spike's head. He recognized the weapon from the RED Sniper's explanation on the physics of Jarate.

A Sydney Sleeper? I thought he said there was only one in the world!

"You've got a gun, but I have a rocket launcher. How's that for an ace in the hole?"

"If you shoot me with that, you'll kill us both. I can't believe you didn't think about tha-" a bullet imbedded itself in her throat, courtesy of the Hitman's Heatmaker. A cyan pegasus skidded to a halt against the ledge.

"That was close! I didn't see the hole there." Rainbow noticed the body on the floor.

"Spike, what did you do to her!?"

"It wasn't me! It was the Sniper!"

"... Fine. But be careful. There's a Spy lurking around here."

"Not anymore. I just took him out a few minutes ago."

"Good. I'll be back in ten seconds flat."

"We have taken the enemy Intelligence!" Rainbow was back before the alert finished, a bright blue briefcase strapped to her back. The Scout followed her, diving through the pit and bolting across the field.

"Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass!"

"We have secured the enemy Intelligence!"

"I'm not even winded!"

"I got it, I got it!"

Of Puzzles & Pieces

Chapter IV: Of Puzzles & Pieces

RED Base: Well, 3:00 PM

"What's in here?" Rainbow Dash pored over the large briefcase, wondering about its contents.

"That's what we wanna know," Soldier said, "but we can't get the damn things open!"

"Let Heavy try." He pushed Soldier aside, trying to pry the case apart with his bare hands.

"Is not possible. Case has padlock, and we are without keys."

"Ah got an idea!" Engineer pulled out a strange joystick-like object, pointing it at a decommissioned Sentry Gun. The building sprang to life, immediately opening fire on the Intelligence. A few dents appeared, but nothing more.

"Mmph, mmph!" Pyro unloaded his flamethrower on the case, with little results.

"Did any of you guys ever think about this?" Spike pulled an arrow from the Sniper's quiver. His Huntsman had broken quite a while before, allowing him to use the quiver as a decoration. He scraped at the head with his claw until it became an unbelievably narrow, sharp point and handed it to the Spy.

"How'd you do that?" Scout cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"Hello? Dragon? Claws?" Spy slid the arrowhead inside the padlock, twisting and turning it until the mechanism gave way, allowing him to work on the other two. Medic pulled a set of papers from each briefcase, setting them out to read.

"Let us see...

What is this?"

"Looks like a code." Engineer commented.

"Perhaps it is like in the movies, where the numbers equal letters?"

"Well, let's try it, then.

6-5-1-18-20-8-5-5-17-21-5-19-20-18-9-1-14-13-5-14-1-3-5. Medic, what's that translate to?"

"Hold on, I am writing it down...

FEAR THE EQUESTRIAN MENACE. Why? So far, there hasn't been any kind of Equestrian 'menace'. What is there for us to fear?"

"Hold up, there's more.

20-8-5-7-18-1-26-15-14-5-16-12-1-14-19. 16-18-5-16-1-18-5."

"THE GRAY ONE PLANS. PREPARE. I don't understand!"

"Clearly, it's got somethin' t' do with ol' Gray Mann. This is gonna be that real special kinda fun." He pumped his shotgun before turning to the others.

"Look, boys, we got some business t' take care of! We're gonna send someone t' get them BLU soldiers on our side again, 'n we still need t' get ready for the attack. So who's goin' on the peace mission?" A single man stepped forward.

"Spy? You the only one?"

"Nobody else is offering, are they?" He lit a cigarette and continued.

"I am a master of persuasion, am I not? It is only natural that I would be the one to go."

"Alright, then get yerself out there 'n be fast with it. Everyone else, y'all better pony up, 'cause we're 'bout t' be in fer a whole world a' hurt."

BLU Base: Mannhattan, 5:30 PM

"Sentry down!" The BLU Engineer's shout was silenced by a knife piercing his spine.

"What in the hell was-" A well-placed bullet interrupted the Soldier's exclamation as a slight glimmer in the air slipped through the titanic door he was guarding.

"Who are you?" The ghost of an elderly man floated through his office, right before the Spy uncloaked.

"That is none of your concern, Monsieur Mann. I am here to warn you of a great danger to both of our corporations, and possibly all of Mann Co."

"Continue..."

"Your brother, Gray Mann, is going to send his robots after us once more. We must unite and protect the corporations! And if you won't do it for them, do it to honor your father!"

"But Gray was his favorite son!"

"And you are okay with that?" Blutarch's eye twitched for a moment. He looked around, seeing that he had no one to assist him should things go southward.

I guess I've got no choice...

"Well played. You make a good point, my friend. How do I know you're not lying, though?"

"If I was, I would have killed more than two of your men."

"That raises another question. If you were coming here peacefully, why'd you kill them?"

"Do you really think that your employees would appreciate a rival mercenary in their territory, whether he was on a mission of peace or not? The cloning has fried their minds beyond the point of insanity, because you must have a fully-functioning brain to be insane."

Fight Like a Mann

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Afterglow

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Inception

Chapter I: Inception

At one point in time, there were only eighteen mercenaries fighting for each of the Team Fortresses. Soon afterwards, that number increased to twenty-seven, and immediately became twenty-six. Then, due to a certain man's ingenuity, it became twenty-seven once more. The soldiers felt that their lives would change greatly on that day, but they had no idea that said change would come in the form of seven ponies, a zebra, and a dragon, also known as...

The Next-Gen Nine.