Twilight Sparkle Exports Herself Repeatedly
The kitchen table had eight stacks of papers on them.
Each stack had its own little label, carefully pressed onto a wooden nameplate. One stack for each of her five closest friends, one stack labeled ‘other princesses’, and one stack labeled ‘aaaaaaaaaagh’ in the worst possible hornwriting in the history of ever. Rainbow Dash’s stack took up six separate piles, easily beating out the next contender in the form of Princess Celestia’s stack, which was only a mere four piles large.
That was about as far as she’d gotten before she’d given up trying to count in terms of precisely measured stacks. The rest had been piled in a thoroughly disreputable manner in the vague stacks bearing their names, in much the same way that the newspapers, magazines, and broadsheets that now arrived at her doorstep by the pile would be organized. Which was to say, not in the least bit organized and making her begin to seriously rethink her stance on burning things like that.
Regardless, the pile was getting bigger every week that had passed since her ill-considered ‘press conference’ with Sweetie Belle. Granted, the Foal Free Press had just purchased their own building near the middle of Ponyville and was now employing actual trained journalists in their relentless pursuit of the truth. Truth here meaning things that ponies enjoyed reading without actually hurting anypony close enough to care, as Editor-In-Chief Sweetie Belle was cunningly aware how important it was to be inoffensive to the locals.
Which included being nice to her and NOT running one of the brand new stories which had taken over the headlines seemingly from coast to coast of Equestria. While the exact content of the headlines varied wildly, the theme was almost as cartoonishly similar as the last one of these she’d mocked. Nothing but headline after headline after byline after third-page lurid think-piece about her and just who she was supposedly in love with.
Though Twilight was not one to attempt to quantify differing disaster situations by comparing them with one another, she was pretty sure this was worse than them following her mundane life. No longer did press reporters exult over her choice of hayburger topping or sandwich filling. Now they endlessly and gleefully fed nation-wide speculation as to who the next “Prince” of Equestria would be. Stallion, mare, or otherwise.
Twilight wanted to bang her head against the desk, but the last time she’d done that she’d broken her favorite writing desk. Apparently, her earth-pony magic was finally coming in, and she would need to be more careful with her furniture. Alas, it would not be the last piece of furniture that would suffer from her displeasure at this new turn of events. Six doors, four coffee tables, and one very unfortunate sofa had also been obliterated by her moments of unthinking frustration. Thankfully, Mister Davenport had known an excellent carpenter, (and had replaced her sofa at a good price.)
It was maddening. What was worse was Princess Celestia had only regarded the new developments with intense laughter. Princess Cadence had been worse, making sly suggestions of her own before Twilight had fled the room in terror that she might actually be serious. Her and Big Macintosh? Granted, Big Macintosh was a fine stallion, and he’d make a loving husband someday, but that was plain absurd. He got nervous around anyone with even the merest hint of an official title.
A cursory glance at the stack as she hauled the new stuff grudgingly into her ‘news room’ had suggestions of equal absurdity. Mayor Mare was married for pity’s sake! Flash Sentry was… She didn’t even really want to go there, though she would looooove to know who’d been taking pictures in the Crystal Empire that day so she could have them banished to the moon for reminding her of that whole debacle. She'd probably banish him too, come to that. And why in Equestria these papers from the Crystal Empire were obsessed with the idea of her becoming some kind of third-wheel for Cadence and Shiny were just a shade too close to insane for her to not wonder at the mental states of the writers.
And then there had been the Discord stack, which blessedly had been completely poofed out of existence by an incredibly irate Discord wearing a yellow and pink sweat-shirt. Twilight had elected not to ask him about the sweatshirt, but she had sent him a thank-you basket. She’d even gotten a thank-you card in return. It’d had a lot of bad puns on it, but it was still nice.
But that was the crazy stuff. The completely non-sensical, the creepy, the weird. That, she could all dismiss without worrying too much about it and move on. It was everything else, the other few suggestions that came dangerously close to some of her own confused hopes and dreams that really got under her coat. Stuff like- “Another load, Twilight?” asked a humorously weary Spike as she slammed the pile down on the table. He looked quite dashing in that bowtie, and had taken to wearing it when he wasn’t doing anything around the castle.
Fortunately for her, Spike had been her anchor during all of this hard stuff. Blessedly, it seemed even the lurid writers of the Equestrian gossip scene weren’t about to suggest she get into a romance with an underaged dragon she’d been raising since he was a baby.
Plenty of suggestions that she was brutally enslaving him for her own ends as some kind of lethal pet though. But Spike had actually taken to outright liking those letters. Apparently, the idea that he was so dangerous as to be considered some kind of evil-villain level pet made him feel cool. He even had a scrapbook for his news-clippings now, which made Twilight oddly proud of him. At least he was taking interest in something other than comic books.
He grinned at her and reached up to squeeze her shoulder. “It’s not all bad, Twi. I mean, at least they’re not interrupting your study time anymore to try to take pictures of you!” And that was absolutely true, even as she wished he didn’t look so cheerful about that. No, now they were trying to grab pictures of her whenever she went out to spend time with her friends. Especially if she got within six inches of ANY of them for anything beyond casual conversation.
They’d all been understanding, of course. Dash had taken it best, using the opportunity to drive media frenzy about herself of course. She enjoyed the attention, though it had taken only Applejack wearing a very specific hat to keep her head from getting too big about it. Rarity had taken it upon herself to be Twilight’s official ‘media manager’ when she wasn’t busy at the boutique, doling out boilerplate messages to the paparazzi to throw them off the trail of whatever they might be doing that day.
She glared at the papers, headlines pouring over the wrapping twine. She’d taken to leaving hefty tips for poor Ditzy who had to deliver the pile of the things once a week. The headlines were getting sappier and sappier, spinning nonexistent tales of unrequited love and heartbreak. It was far past the ‘annoying’ stage and had skipped straight to outright smoldering anger. She needed something to get them off her back for a while. She needed-
This time, the idea came to her slowly. Not some lightning bolt from the blue, but a slow and cunning and nasty idea. The last time she’d managed to get them off her trail by hurling a massive spate of nonsensical questions at the entire industry and forcing them to all look like fools. But this time, they were going off of absolutely nothing BUT speculation. She couldn’t just blind them with science, she needed something craftier than that this time.
She needed to - as the princess had put it - confuse them. And as for that, she was pretty sure she knew exactly what to do. “Spike,” she began with a slow smile. “Would you be so kind as to send some notes to the girls? And I’m going to need you to take a letter to Celestia.”
~~~~~~~
Everything hinged on two things.
She needed to be believable, and she needed to make sure somepony reported on it. The first was hard, the second was even harder, but she had a plan, oh yes. She knew where they would be looking and knew what they’d be looking for and so she would give them exactly what they were looking for… to a point, anyway. She wasn’t about to start randomly kissing her friends on the lips; she was much more of a lady than that.
So she had to go about this in a bit more of a subtle way. Trying to go straight to the press wouldn’t get her anywhere; she needed to shut this nonsense down, not add to it. There was only one solution for that, but in order to pull it off… she’d need the cooperation of some very special someponies. Someponies who might not be terribly thrilled about the idea.
“Y’all want us to what.”
That wasn’t even a question. The ‘what’ had been so flat, Twilight could have stacked books atop it. “I know this sounds crazy,” she began, then stopped and pinched just below her eyes on her snout. “Okay, it is crazy, but I’m not going to put up with this anymore. I can’t just randomly assign myself to somepony, or I’ll create a political firestorm. There are pathetically few ponies I can…” She hesitated, gulped, and tried her best not to let her nerves enter into the equation. “Be with, so to speak, without riling up somepony somewhere.”
“But what about that guardspony, what’s-his-name…” Rainbow Dash began in a casual voice, only to… “Brad Splash, or somethin… like…” She gulped and slowly trailed off, likely because Twilight was giving her the best evil eye she could. “Right. Not an option. Sorry, Twi.”
Rarity spared a scathing look for Dash before cocking an eyebrow at Twilight. “This seems like quite the gamble, Twilight. I realize you’ve been flustered lately, but doesn’t this seem a bit… rash?” She nervously tapped her hooves together. “I mean, it’s not like being considered for a Princess’ consort isn’t the sort of thing I wouldn’t… I mean…” She trailed off herself into distant mutters that Twilight was quite glad she couldn’t hear.
She took a moment to size up the table. Applejack looked like she was still trying to process her plan. Fluttershy was hiding half under the table. Dash looked amused, Rarity’s cheeks were steadily growing redder, and Pinkie Pie looked… Pinkie Pie was eating cupcakes and looking oblivious. Right, like she’d care about something silly like romance.
The other two ponies she needed the assistance of had written back to her with vague indications of support, though she got the impression from Celestia’s letter that she didn’t expect this to end well. Twilight really did not care how it ended, so long as it ended with the end of these stupid news reports. She was not going to wait a century for this nonsense to die down. It would end today, if she had her way about it!
She crossed her hooves over her chest and steeled herself for the onslaught of opposition. “I never said this was reasonable, Rarity. But then, dumping an entire storm front onto the unicorn hills because of a grass fire isn’t exactly low-key either, but that doesn’t make it any less necessary.” She blew out an exasperated breath. She was going to be calm, cool, collected. She was not going to go off on a rant like a hormonal teenager. “I am tired of having to dodge cameras every time I want to come visit you girls. My life has been changed enough in the past year. I am not going to lose what little I have left to look forward to on a daily basis.” Okay, maybe she was going to rant like an old maid instead.
And all at once, every single set of eyes looking at her softened and a lot of the hostility ran out of them. “Alright, alright, Sugarcube,” Applejack said soothingly, reaching over to grasp her forehoof and squeeze it. “We get it. How can we help ya?’
Twilight took a deep breath and forced her best smile. Once this was over, she swore to Celestia’s butt that she was going to take everypony she loved on vacation. Somewhere nice and warm where she could throw on a disguise spell and blend in for a while. Las Pegasus maybe. “Like I said. There’s only one way I’m going to get these stories to end. They need to think I’m in a relationship now.” Then a slow smile spread across her face. “But I know how that ends. They’ll just obsess over what’s going on in that relationship. So we’re going to do what Celestia suggested in the first place.”
All eyes locked on her, and she could not suppress a slightly mad giggle. “We’re going to confuse the dickens out of them.”
~~~~~~~
Rainbow Dash was first.
Only because her stack was the biggest, and not because Twilight had been looking forward to bringing her this thing anyway. Nope. No other motive there. When the package had arrived - two weeks late - she’d wondered at the astonishing good timing of it showing up after Tirek had blown up the library. But given the source of the package, well... Twilight had long wondered just how much of Daring Do’s books were fiction and how much were fact.
Whatever. She had bigger things to worry about than ridiculous coincidence; she needed to get this task done so she could hurry over to the Boutique. Dash herself was… napping. Of course she was napping and not ready and waiting for her to get this absurd little plan of hers underway. She was napping very adorably atop a little cloud puff she’d dragged to the ground, and if Twilight wasn’t so bloody busy today…
Grr! Why did Dash have to be so calm? This was nerve wracking. If this whole plan of hers went wrong, she’d end up with an entire nation of gossiping busybodies trying to figure out her motives rather than the peace and quiet she wanted. And Dash was slacking off on her end of things! Whatever, adaptation and improvisation had always been necessary when dealing with a crisis, so she’d just have to do those things.
She cleared her throat on approach, but Dash did not budge. So instead she slipped in much closer, hoping that physical proximity would do what noise had not. No dice. Dash was really deep into it. She got within touching distance and spoke quietly. “Dashie, can you wake up for a second?” She kept her voice low, hoping that the use of Dash’s most hated nickname might rouse her to full wakefulness.
Instead Dash cracked open an eye, leaned in, and kissed her.
Somewhere behind her, Twilight could hear a faint gasp and a rapidly snapping camera. Twilight herself could only find herself stunned and unable to react much to that, except to wonder why the kiss had tingled. “Morning to you too, Egghead.” She half whispered with a sly, devilish grin on her face. “Did you like that?” There was a subtle, suggestive tone in her voice and… and Twilight could see exactly where she was going. Ugh. Dash and her love of attention.
Still, in for a bit… “You are incorrigible, Dash” She growled softly and was rewarded with a pair of rosey cheeks for her efforts. The subtle click of a camera in the background at least told her the plan was working. Time to pour on the good stuff. “I brought you a little special something. Just because.” She couldn’t keep the real enthusiasm out of her voice as she hoofed over the wrapped book. As exasperating as Dash could be sometimes, it was always wonderful to see someone take as much joy in a new book as she did.
Dash looked a little puzzled, but unwrapped the package with gusto. At first, her brows knit in confusion until she cracked open the cover and spotted the all-important signature, and her eyes went as wide as teacups. Twilight couldn’t keep the grin off her face as Dash’s mouth worked silently. “I gotta run, but I’ll see you later, Dashie.” And off she ran at top speed. That little scene ought to be enough to make a few someponies’ heads explode!
~~~~~
“Hold still, Darling.”
Twilight bit at her lip, but did as she was told as Rarity slowly worked the needle through the fabric to pull the two scraps of cloth together. Rarity was also awful, awful close to her… almost pressing against her body as she tugged the sewing shut. “Really, dear. Thank you ever so much for taking a few moments to help me with this project for Princess Cadence.” Rarity’s glittering smile and arch tone nearly made Twilight giggle. “I was going absolutely mad trying to find somepony who could help me visualize things properly since poor Fluttershy has been so busy lately. There, all done.”
Rarity’s magic flicked the seemingly random assortment of cloth off her body in a single pull and settled the bizarre creation onto a ponyquin. “Why couldn’t you just use one of those?” Twilight asked, eyeballing the blank white eyes of the oversized dolls Rarity often used to show off her work.
Rarity tisked. “Much as I do like my little darlings here for my showroom, nothing can substitute for a living and breathing pony. And since you move and stand in much the same way as Princess Cadence does, I can make certain there’re no flaws in the design which might cause her discomfort.” Rarity giggled softly and nudged her body against Twilight’s. “Besides, I do sort of enjoy ordering around a princess once in a while. Even if she refuses to be called one.”
She stuck her tongue out at Twilight, and Twilight returned the gesture before laughing. “I’m never going to feel like a Princess, Rarity. It’s just too… weird, I guess.” She shook her head, hopping down off the dais. She’d done what she needed to do here, assuming all the right pictures had been taken. She really ought to hurry along. “I suppose I ought to get going then; you’ll want to finish that dress.”
“Twilight…” Rarity’s voice tripped over itself, hesitant and quiet. Twilight turned around, feeling vague surprise. Was Rarity having second thoughts about this? “Maybe I could help you feel like a princess sometime? You know, actually give you a taste of the full royal treatment.” Rarity’s smile was tremulous but very warm. “I think it would be good for you, with all the stress you’ve been under lately.”
Twilight considered that, then put on a warm smile of her own. “I think that’d be fabulous, Rarity. I gotta go catch up with Fluttershy first, before she completely loses her nerve. We’ll talk more about it later!” And off she went again, hoping that her hurried flights across town weren’t sending the wrong message.
~~~~~~~~~
Levitating the last block into place, Twilight stepped back to regard the new stone enclosure with a certain amount of satisfaction. Whoever the heck had decided to ship this thing without sending somepony to assemble it was going to get a nasty letter from her later. “Oh, Twilight.” Fluttershy’s voice quietly gushed, her hooves pressed into her own chest. “Thank you so very, very, very much. I was so worried I wouldn’t get this up before winter…”
Twilight shook her head and smiled. “No problem, Fluttershy. I’m just glad I could help.” She leaned in and nuzzled her cheek to Fluttershy’s, unable to keep a smile away from all the blushing she was doing. “Are you sure you don’t want me to put up the wooden bits too?” The pile of boards and insulation was rather daunting looking, if she said so herself.
But Fluttershy just shook her head. “No, I can get Discord to help me with that. But he says he can’t build things with stone.” She shrugged her shoulders and Twilight couldn’t help but shrug back. Discord was confusing at the best of times.
Then Fluttershy went stiff as one of those wooden boards. “Ohmygosh, I almost forgot!” She squeaked and skittered off toward her house. For a moment, Twilight wondered if maybe she should just call this one a lost cause and go… but Fluttershy was back moments later with a bundle of vibrantly colored flowers in her forehooves. “Theseareforyouthankyousomuchtalktoyousoon!” she blurted out all at once before dashing back inside with her cheeks as bright red as apples.
Twilight took a deep inhale of the flowers and nearly staggered at the incredible range of scents. She’d never smelled - or truth be told, seen - any flowers like these before in her entire life. Where had Fluttershy gotten them? The Everfree Forest? They were beautiful.
A little niggle of worry crawled into her skull, and she banished it just as quickly. She’d worry about the meaning of these later, when she’d gotten her life back.
~~~~~~~
The sun hung low in the distance, sending a riot of colors through the treetops of Sweet Apple Acres. The leaves glowed in the warmth of the sunset, and Twilight half wondered if every morning and evening was like this here. She had never really spent a great deal of time on the farm, despite her close ties with Applejack. It just wasn’t her sort of scene, really. “Bit fer your thoughts, Twilight?” Applejack’s coat and mane were both shiny and wet from a fresh washing, a daily ritual for the hardworking farmpony.
Twilight tilted her head and shook it slowly. “I really wish all this nonsense wasn’t necessary. I’d never even thought about what I was going to do for a mate before, and now I’m worried I’ll never be able to do it without frightening the good ponies off.” She dropped her head into her hoof and huffed out a breath. “Why does everypony have to be so obsessed with seeing me married or whatever?”
Applejack chuckled richly. “Cuz they think they’re bein’ helpful without knowin’ what they’re doin wrong. Works the same in a big family.” She leaned against the wooden fence next to her… and the next thing Twilight knew, the faint weight of Appleajck’s hat was weighing down her mane. “I know how ya feel if it helps some.”
Twilight blinked at Applejack, who had a faint smile on her face. “Folks’ve been askin’ when me n’ Mac were gonna get special someponies so we could start on the next generation. Nevermind me an’ Mac ain’t got the time for that right now.” She shook her head slowly and laughed. “But the questions ain’t gonna stop, so I suppose we’d best be thinkin’ of what we’re gonna do. But I’ll tell ya what, Twi.” She poked a hoof into her chest firmly. “Don’t let anypony tell you who you oughta love or not oughta love. You find somepony you love, you go after ‘em. Ya hear?”
Twilight couldn’t help but smile at that. “Thanks, AJ.” She pulled off her hat and redeposited it on Applejack’s head, where the thing belonged. ”And nice thinking on the hat thing, that should be more than enough.” She kept that one to a whisper, and Applejack just grinned back at her.
“Well shoot,” AJ muttered. “An’ I was hopin’ t’ get some sugar like Dashie did.”
Twilight blushed. This was getting ridiculous.
~~~~~~~
Pinkie Pie was technically the last on her list, though there was one last game to play before she could call this one a night. Pinkie was last for reasons that would’ve been obvious to anyone who knew her, but Twilight still needed her to complete her set. Moreover, she needed her to be at her absolute Pinkiest or else none of this would come off as genuine. So she steeled her nerves and sat down in front of Sugarcube corner as evening began to swallow Ponyville. The shop’s windows were already lit up by candle and lantern light, and all around her the business of the night began to come to life.
Pinkie appeared a few moments later as Sugarcube Corner officially ‘closed’ for the day, and somehow she had found the time to change into a slinky purple dress with fishnet socks. It was… unnerving, to say the least. Especially since she’d also done her mane up quite nicely and had applied a generous dollop of makeup as though she were getting ready for a night on the town. Which, given Pinkie Pie, she might very well run off to do as soon as they were done here.
“So, what’d you have in mind, Twily?” Pinkie cooed in a spectacularly husky voice that sent a little nervous twinge up Twi’s spine. Surely Pinkie hadn’t decided to take this seriously. Had she? Pinkie giggled faintly. “I mean, we gotta put on a good show, right? So how about it?” She waggled her eyebrows at Twilight, still faintly giggling under her breath. “I mean, you could sweep me off my hooves, and we could go upstairs and-”
“Pinkie!” Twilight burst out then threw her hooves over her mouth. Pinkie was laughing and it was getting really hard not to start laughing herself. “Do you want to give-” She stopped, and realized this was exactly what she’d wanted. She wanted to give everypony the wrong idea.
Pinkie winked at her. “I suppose we could go back to your place. I’ve got this cute little teacher outfit I made for you. It was supposed to be for Nightmare Night but I bet it’d be fun to-” Twilight shoved her hoof into Pinkie’s mouth, but was unable to do much but muffle the ridiculous suggestions that were now coming out of her head.
Twilight started laughing, and Pinkie followed along with her. She collapsed against Pinkie with helpless giggles and a soft foreleg hugged her close. After all of this stress with the press, she really had needed this. If only she had looked up to see the look in Pinkie’s eyes…
~~~~~~~
Princess Celestia poured the tea.
The cheap little tea set sat proudly in the middle of her table, a grave insult to the opulent surroundings of Twilight’s castle. But this was the first tea set she’d shared with the Princess when she came to Canterlot, and she was not about to give it up for all the fine glassware in the universe. No matter how much guff Rarity gave her for it. “It’s a cunning little plan, of course.” Celestia spoke with a faint note of pride in Twilight, which was more than enough to reinvigorate her in spite of the long and busy day. “But you may not have considered all the possible consequences again.”
Twilight snorted. “I spoke to all of my friends. They were all pretty dismissive of any possible problems.” She sighed softly. “Even Rarity was pretty sure that she could handle any scandal, and that was more than enough for me.”
Celestia nodded. “I suppose so. Still, not what I am concerned about.” She sipped her tea out of the chipped blue cup and smiled faintly. “Rarity’s been buying your tea again, I see. And do I detect some of Pinkie’s cinnamon sweetie cookies?” Her eyes sparkled, and Twilight hid a grin. Celestia was legendary for her discerning taste in sweets, but even she was incapable of resisting Pinkie’s best.
Twilight shook her head. “Everypony’s been so kind to me lately, after all this nonsense with the press. I don’t know how I could’ve made it without any of them, and especially you.” Celestia’s smile became much warmer at that, and Twilight grinned. “And don’t give me any of that nonsense about me doing this all myself. I’d be absolutely lost without your letters.”
Celestia’s cheeks colored a little, and she busied herself with her teacup for a moment before speaking. “You have done so much more than I ever could’ve hoped for, Twilight. I’m proud to have been your teacher.” She beamed at Twilight, setting down her cup. “Things have been calming down in Canterlot lately for myself. Perhaps I can place Luna in charge for a time, and we could finally tackle that research project you proposed to me before you left for Ponyville.”
Twilight sat straight up. No way. She couldn’t possibly… “You mean…” She groped at the words, and Celestia’s smile turned into a cheeky grin. “Oh, sweet Celestia, Yes!” She exclaimed, then double facehoofed. Celestia hated it when ponies used her name like that. The absolute last thing she needed now was to put the Princess in a bad mood...
But Celestia was just laughing happily. “Oh, Twilight,” She cooed warmly in a voice that was suddenly far too close to have not moved. “You can yell my name anytime you like. With you, it’s not annoying at all.” There was a gentle… something there that Twilight couldn’t immediately identify. A warmth of sorts.
Twilight looked up and smiled at the bright eyes and gentle smile of her mentor. “Thanks, teacher,” she half whispered and leaned against Celestia. Thank goodness the day was over. Hopefully, this would be the end of this romance nonsense and she could get back to her normal life.
~~~~~The Next Monday~~~~~
The Equestrian newspaper stack was back to telling stories from all ends of the continent. Only a few back-page mentions of the highly confusing relationship dynamics she’d thrown into the millworks of the Equestrian Press showed any evidence of her former problems with the press. The princess had said it would be months, if not years before anypony felt ready to start speculating again. Hopefully by then she’d have this whole thing settled.
Of course, it wasn’t going to work out that way.
It started, of course, with notes. A note from all of her friends. And Celestia. And Luna too. The notes from her friends were puzzling enough - warm words of admiration for her strength through hard times alongside subtle suggestions of things they could go do together.
Applejack wanted her to attend a tasting of their Apple brandy, Rarity wanted her to come with her to Manehatten to see Coco. Pinkie was going to a baking competition and it’d be so-much fun if a princess could join her, and Rainbow Dash was going to be doing a special training session with the Wonderbolts and needed a partner… and Fluttershy? Fluttershy wanted to go out to dinner with her. Out to dinner. Fluttershy. Just the idea of the poor shy pony willingly putting herself into a vibrant social situation was enough to break her logic circuits.
The notes from Celestia and Luna were worse, though. They were full of casual language and familiarity and… and other stuff. Stuff that made her blush and stare in frank astonishment. Luna was making rather arch suggestions about the important qualities of all of her friends as mates while Celestia was suggesting they go on vacation to Los Pegasus together this summer. Just to enjoy some together time, like they used to. Never mind that they’d be staying in the Royal Suites together… alone…
Twilight sunk her head into the desk. She was all too sure what had happened, and she just KNEW that in her zeal to bring an end to the speculation she'd created a monster. “So to keep everypony else from shipping you,” she muttered to herself, glaring at the stack of notes. “You ended up shipping yourself with everyone else. Great.”
Twilight Sparkle Exports Herself Repeatedly
Author's Note
Note that I make no promises as to how funny you will find this stuff. It's probably way more adorable and heartwarming than funny. Those of you with heart conditions, be ye warned.
And yeah, Im probably going to do another one of these stories at some point.
Cargo Cults
A gentle paw shook her awake. “Twilight, you can’t stay in bed forever.” Spike’s mild rebuke made her crack an eye open to regard the fiendish little assistant with no small amount of stubborn disbelief.
“Says who?” She retorted and tried hiding herself in her cocoon of blankets and her fort of pillows. It was a very excellently constructed pillow fort, easily capable of repelling the worst ghosts and goblins with the power of books, science, and pillows.
“Says your extremely annoyed assistant.” Spike growled, planting his talons on his hips. “And If you don’t get out of those blankets in the next ten minutes, I’m going to make you get out.” He continued, and something about his tone of voice told Twilight that for once in his life, Spike wasn’t kidding.
Then he hopped off the bed and trundled into her private bathroom. The sound of running water hitting a bucket was enough to convince her of Spike’s intentions, and by the time he trundled back out with the bucket in his claws she was extracting herself from the last of the pillow fort’s scattered walls. “That’s better,” Spike said with a toothy grin. “Now, you’re going to take a shower while I clean up this mess and you’re going to go downstairs and deal with the other mess.”
She opened her mouth to deny that she was about to do any such thing, when Spike raised the bucked and narrowed his eyes at her. “And if you try to whine at me about it, I will personally lead everypony into this room and let them do whatever they want to you.” And with that, he began busying himself with bundling up the smelly sheets and carting couch cushions to the door where a trio of flight servant ponies waited with curious eyes.
Twilight bit her lip for a moment, then sighed and turned to the shower. Spike was right, she really needed to wash up and deal with this before it got any more ridiculous than it already was. Of course, the fact that it was already ridiculous was a testament to the fact that she had once again leapt into a plan without thinking about the unseen consequences of her actions.
Of course, it hadn’t helped that she’d accidentally tapped into desires and feelings she had never known existed until a fateful morning just a week ago. The grandeur of her bathroom was ultimately ignored as she strode into the room, turning the tap to a nice reasonable heat before slumping down in front of the shower to wait for the magic to kick in.
If this had been some kind of story, she’d probably be sitting here wondering how in Equestria she had ended up in this situation. Of course, that was a very silly question to be asking since she already knew the answer: She had thought of nearly every possible contingency except for one minor detail. She had never, ever considered that the ponies closest to her might actually be falling in love or already in love with her. Or were they even in love with her to begin with?
Ugh. It was giving her a headache just thinking about it. Fortunately, a nice hot shower was an excellent cure for such a headache and as she stepped under the streaming and steaming water, the ache began to subside almost immediately. Unfortunately, as she gazed up towards the ceiling as the water poured over her body, she also realized she was no longer alone. “Hiya.” Chirped Rainbow Dash, who was perched atop the curtain rail with catlike grace.
Twilight took a deep breath and counted to ten. She grabbed her bottle of orange scented shampoo and worked a lather into her coat as thoroughly as she could while equally thoroughly ignoring Dash. Dash appeared to be okay with this, so Twilight continued washing up while doing her level best to not encourage her.
When all the soap was washed away and her mane was no longer a disaster area fit to be cordoned off and condemned, she grabbed her towel and brush and went to work on getting herself moderately presentable. During which time, Dash had hopped down to the floor and had taken up position on the stubby wooden stool Twilight often used when getting more elaborate clothes on. “You need any help?” Dash asked quietly, still keeping her gently friendly demeanour up while suspiciously lacking in her usual blunt-headedness.
That set off about eighteen different warning bells in Twilight’s head, and after about two and a half seconds of consideration shook her head silently before trying to speed up the drying process with a tiny bit of her magic. “Twilight… Okay, I want you to know that I’m sorry we all kind of…” Dash’s words were hesitant, but since Twilight was still determined to get out of this bathroom without throwing something she had lots of time to get her courage up. “Um… Piled on you like that. Look, we’ve been talking about this for a while and I guess we kinda all thought…” Dash was rubbing at her foreleg, glancing down at the floor. “Yanno… now or never?”
Twilight paused just long enough to carefully put her favorite comb down and toss the towel over the curtain rail in a move guaranteed to make her housekeepers lose their tiny minds. “Out.” She said shortly, pointing to the door. Dash complied, and Twilight followed in her wake out to the main hallway. There, the scene she had left behind four days ago seemed to still be in full swing.
Celestia stood at the head of a short square table with her hooves planted on top. Discarded teacups on saucers littered nearly every flat surface that could accommodate one, and where teacups did not reign there were plates of half eaten sandwiches and cookies that her house keepers were apparently rotating out for fresh ones as quickly as they could reasonably manage. On the table itself were sheafs of papers, scrolls, ink pots, quills and quite a bit of other detritus, including what Twilight swore was a whisky bottle.
The rest of those present in her room were her four other friends, as Dash was standing right next to her, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were apparently going for their tea-making cutiemarks and not doing a terribly great job of it. Surprisingly, Big Macintosh was also present and sporting a spectacular shiner on his right eye. That Applejack was apparently unblemished told her everything she needed to know about his presence here, and she resolved to try and make it up to the poor stallion later.
Celestia didn’t even turn around as she began to descend the staircase, apparently too busy with her rhetoric. “I realize that this might be rather difficult to understand, but I’ve spent too many years silently hoping she might - just might - be inclined to me to back down without some recourse!” She spoke in a stentorian voice that rattled through her living room like a trumpet call. Lesser ponies might have been cowed to obedience by such histrionics, but her friends were made of sterner stuff than that. “She is more precious to me than anypony save my sister! Does that mean nothing to you?”
Rarity snorted derisively. “You’re certainly not alone on that path, Princess.” She huffed, drawing herself up into her most aristocratic pose. “Do you think it has been easy on myself, either? Watching our dearest Twilight grow into the proud, regal and confident mare she is today and becoming ever more convinced that I would stand no chance with such a rising star?” She stomped her own hoof on the table.
Applejack growled out something wordless, and then threw her hooves in the air. “Y’all are crazy. This ain’t gettin us nowhere.” She stood up, and tossed her braid over her shoulder with a look of grim determination. Her eyes caught Twilight standing upon the staircase and nodded shortly to her. “So why don’t we ask the mare herself what she thinks, eh?”
Celestia went stiff and her wings drooped an instant later. “Ah… Twilight,” She turned, her cheeks a bright rosy red and her eyes softened. “Um… How much of that did you hear?” She asked in an almost miserable voice, tapping her hooves together nervously.
For just a moment, Twilight considered giving her a hard time about it. But… No. She couldn’t do that. Not to Celestia of all the ponies in the world, and especially not to a Celestia who’d basically just tapped in to close to a decade of student-teacher love fantasies in a single moment. So instead, she contented herself with sarcasm. “Enough to get a feeling about what was going on since I left you down here,” She paused for dramatic effect. “On monday.” She finished with a certain amount of arched eyebrow and bemused disbelief.
Every single one of the mares at the table had the good grace to look a little embarrassed at that, at least. Twilight rubbed at her forehead a little and hoped the headache wouldn’t re-manifest itself. Dash spoke up before it could, though. She was obviously trying to keep her voice calm. “Twilight, we just don’t wish for this to turn into some sort of backbiting competition…”
Pinkie Pie cut her off. “Right, like you tried to get us all to leave so you could be alone with her.” She huffed, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “I’m on to your wicked ways, Dashie! You were gonna try and teach her the creaming method!”
It took Twilight a few moments to parse that statement. Then it took her a few more to not bury her head in the crystal floor of her castle. Then, she decided to speak instead of turning around and hiding in her pillow fort again.. “Pinkie, stop that.” She wasn’t sure what she was telling Pinkie to stop, but it felt like the right thing to say. “The last thing I want is any of you fighting any of the rest of you over… me.” The way she trailed off at the end… maybe they’d get the point?
The six most important ponies in her life all looked at one another at that and for a moment all was blissfully quiet. With the quiet lingering, she set to work righting the disaster area that was her livingroom. Teacups were carefully stacked on an empty book cart, which Spike quickly set to work taking to the kitchen. For just a second, Twilight began to hope that maybe she’d officially stuck a fork in all of this.
Alas, no such fortune. “She’s right,” Fluttershy said in her usual quiet voice. “There’s got to be a better way to do this. Maybe we could… take turns?” The way she suggested it made Twilight nearly fall head over plot. What on earth did she mean, ‘take turns’? Surely she wasn’t suggesting they tie her to the bed or something! Then again, it was always the quiet ones…
Rarity hummed. “Yes, that could possibly work.” She mused, as Twilight tried to work her jaw into interrupting this mad train of thought before it could go any further. Clearly, some foul magic had robbed her of her speech…. although it was possible that it was Spike holding her jaw shut with a firm paw and a stern look instead. “Still, who gets to go first?” She continued, shooting a sharp look at Celestia. “The easiest way would be to draw lots…”
The room began to buzz with talk of various ‘fair’ methods to decide who would get the opportunity to go out on a date with her. If it hadn’t been for the fact that these were her closest friends, she probably would have blown them all up. Then, a revelation. She’d been having a lot of those lately and this one was especially excellent. “Everypony, be quiet!” She yelled in her best approximation of the Royal Canterlot Voice. It performed the job admirably, getting the attention of everypony in the room and pushing Spike down to his butt so he could not interfere.
She planted her hooves, stuck her head in the air and growled. “If you’re all so bloody insistent on taking me out on a date, then this is how it’s going to work!” Surely, surely she could bring an end to it this time.
Surely.
~~~~~~
Obviously, it had been the flirty teasing for her plan that had given them the wrong impression. All she needed to do was right the ship by making it clear how casual all those encounters were in an actual intimate environment. So, clearly she just needed to present them with irrefutable evidence of their obvious incompatibility with her in order to set things right. Right? Right.
To that end, she’d chosen Applejack first. The last thing she needed was the farmpony getting her dander up and she’d seemed to be the most perturbed by these events. Fortunately, Applejack’s idea of a ‘date’ was apparently home-made dinner and the promise of a relaxing evening. The fact that Big Macintosh and Granny Smith had hauled flank out of the farmhouse before she even arrived was only a trifle worrisome.
Applejack turned out to be a surprisingly excellent chef, albeit one with a distinct practical streak. No fancy plating, no special ingredients, nothing particularly exotic. Just down to earth fare that happened to be some of the best food she’d eaten in years. Fried apples, stuffed red peppers, a fascinating ‘hot’ salad with melted cheese atop hearts of romaine lettuce... “AJ, where on equestria did you learn to cook like this?” She had to ask, fascinated by how she did so much with so little.
Applejack coughed softly and rubbed at her foreleg, looking a trifle embarrassed. “Ah… Aunt Orange insisted I learn a thing or two about cookin’. Said it was important t’ make sure I never got taken advantage of in one o’ the big Manehatten restaurants.” She grumbled under her breath and avoided making eye contact, “Don’t tell Dash, okay?”
“A thing or two about cooking? Applejack, if this is your definition of ‘a thing or two’, then I know a thing or two about magic.” It was hard to keep the incredulity out of her voice, but this was ridiculous. Were all of her friends hiding talents from her?
She smiled just a little, and brushed the crumbs off of her lap. “I know I’m not much fer fancy doin’s, Twi. But I’m dead honest when I say yer somethin’ special t’me.” She paused, then coughed again. “I mean. Like. Extra special. Like a good blueplate special.”
Twilight stared at her for a moment, trying to decipher what in the name of tartarus Applejack was on about. Applejack for her part seemed quite proud of her similie until she got a look at Twilight’s face. Then she facehoofed. “Ah, fiddlesticks. You know what I mean.”
Twilight laughed faintly. Well at least she wasn’t the only one who had no idea what she was on about. “You’re special too, Applejack. All the girls are. I just don’t know… What am I supposed to do with something like this?” She grumbled softly. “I thought love was supposed to be something you figured out over a long time.”
Applejack grinned. “Twilight, love’s like a buckin’ boulder rollin’ down the hill at’cha an’ all you can do is either let it roll ya over or hop out of the way.” She paused. “Except, y’know, you don’t get flattened by it and have to go to the hospital, and, uh, nevermind.” She hopped off her kitchen stool and trotted around to plop down next to her, still smiling. “Twi, I know the last few years ain’t been easy on ya. But ya’ll have shown so much grit I’d plum forgotten sometimes you were a unicorn.”
That twisted AJ’s mouth into a huge grin, and Twilight couldn’t help but smile back wryly. “Gee, thanks, AJ.” It was hard to be down around Applejack. Somehow, she’d always given an impression of unshakable strength and good humor. Even in the face of tough times, she never let herself get down.
Applejack chuckled and shook her head. “I know this ain’t the way either of us’d like to do this sorta thing. It ain’t fair fer you or me. But since I might only get one shot at this, I guess I’ll jes have to be up front.” She leaned in and nosed against the edge of her wings and Twilight nearly fell off her chair in surprise. “These don’ mean nothin’ to me, sugarcube. All that matters t’ me is what’s in here.” She pushed her hoof into Twilight’s chest, smiling faintly. “I can’t promise ya the world, Twilight. But I can promise ya a warm hearth, good food, plenty t’ do, an that I love ya fer the somepony y’are, not the somepony y’could be.”
“...can you promise me apples?” ventured Twilight. Applejack was blushing at that, and honestly so was she. But… why? Maybe it was because the kiss on her cheek and the laughs that followed after it were all too warm.
~~~~~~
The Blue Note was the closest thing Ponyville had to a proper ‘high end’ restaurant. Oh, certainly, there was Pomme Frites and Shirei-kan no maguro but they were niche places. The former mostly for ponies willing to put up with Allez Cuisine’s eccentricities and the latter for Ponyville’s substantial pegasus population. Blue Note however… Well, it was pretty ritzy by the standards of Ponyville.
Ritzy enough that Twilight had to wonder where Fluttershy was getting the bits for this. And where in the name of Luna’s Plot she’d gotten that slinky green dress? Still, she looked gorgeous in it and the beautiful blue flower tucked behind her ear. “Um, you don’t mind if I order, do you?” Fluttershy hesitated a little as a uniformed waitress waited in silent patience next to the table.
Twilight took one glance at the menu and nearly swallowed her tongue. She’d known this place was pricy, but holy crackers! “Uh… Not at all!” She wouldn’t have even known where to begin with this thing. What were ‘truffles’? Or ‘morel mushrooms’? Or ‘wasabi root’ for that matter? And why was the green salad that much money?
Fluttershy smiled with real confidence at her before turning to the wait staff. “We’ll have the roasted tomato and potato salad and a glass of your Veneighzian white to start.” She paused, rubbing at her chin thoughtfully. “Is Chef Bell Pepper in this evening?” She queried, and at the waitresses nod, she smiled brightly. “Would you ask him to prepare his ratatouille? And his fried leek rings, if he wouldn’t mind.” She blushed, and the Waitress just smiled tolerantly. “And a decent rosè champagne to go with dinner.” Fluttershy finished with an air of sophistication, and the waitress swept silently away.
Twilight stared at her. She had only the vaguest idea of what had just been ordered for her, but it was the manner in which Fluttershy had confidently made the order that had floored her. “Fluttershy I am… Impressed. Where did you learn to do that?” She couldn’t keep the warmth out of her voice. She’d been desperately trying to figure out for years how to help Fluttershy come out of her shell once in a while, and all of a sudden it seemed to have finally happened.
Fluttershy herself was smiling proudly. “I’ve been practicing.” She murmured, then giggled faintly. It was hard not to feel a surge of happiness for her, and… a bit of warmth too. “You… You’re kind of more inspiring than you know, Twilight.” Her smile was broad as the waitress silently ghosted up to the table and deposited two large wine glasses before vanishing a moment later.
Twilight blushed. “Me? Inspiring? Pft.” She shook her head, giggling herself. “Fluttershy, anything you’ve accomplished is because of yourself. Not anypony else.”
But Fluttershy was shaking her head firmly. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it and stared at the ground for just a moment before she did a little jump in her chair and cleared her throat. “Twilight, I’m… Oh, carrots.” She huffed, some of the tension going out of her. “I’m terrible at this. I still don’t know what to say.”
Twilight shrugged. “Well, try just… putting it simply. I mean, that’s what works for me when I’m struggling with something in a report to Celestia.” It was odd to conflate feelings of affection with reports to her teacher, but maybe that was kind of the point.
Fluttershy just nodded once.”Um.. Okay, then. I… I love how you’re so patient with me. Even moreso than Dash is.”
Twilight reached over to touch Flutter’s forehoof. “You’ve been pretty patient with me too, you know. That’s what good friends do for one another, right?” She smiled, and Fluttershy did smile back…
And then she squeezed Twilight’s forehoof. “If I had a bit for every time somepony got impatient with m because of my shyness,” she gently grumbled, “I’d have enough money to buy my own palace in Cloudsdale.”
Twilight opened her mouth to respond to that, when Fluttershy cut in all at once. “I love that you can take charge and not be a meanie about it!” The words poured out of her like a burst dam, and she slapped her hooves over her mouth a moment later… only to pull them forcefully down and keep going. “You’re kind to everypony, and even the dangerous creatures of the forest! When you helped that poor Ursa Minor by putting it to sleep instead of hurting it, I wanted to be your special somepony but I just couldn’t say anything!” And then the hooves went back up again.
If she’d been anyone but Fluttershy, that might have caused quite a ruckus. As it stood, though, she had been so quietly adorable in her rant that no one had heard her but Twilight… whose heart was beginning to thump quite rapidly.
Uh oh.
~~~~~~
Fortunately, the rest of her dinner with Fluttershy had been low key enough. That was a good thing, because now the easy parts were over. Now, she had to deal with Pinkie Pie and Twilight had braced herself for the absolute most ridiculous night of her entire life. A bracing that proved to be entirely pointless.
Pinkie came over just before dinnertime. She’d made sweets, of course, but Pinkie had always made sweets. She laughed and giggled and told excellent jokes, but none of that was out of character for her. She proved to be a very excellent pony to cook alongside even while having no talent for traditional cooking herself. She was, however, a superb assistant. Easily the most competent somepony she’d had working alongside her in a complex capacity in a long time.
But when the dinner was done and the cupcakes were a memory, Twilight was sure she was about to be swept off into the night on some whirlwind tour of Ponyville night life. Instead… instead… “Sit with me, willya Twily?” Pinkie’s volume went down about thirty decibels to the point where she could’ve been mistaken for Fluttershy on a bad day. She was perched on the overstuffed couch in the living room, and looking decidedly less crazy than usual.
Twilight did indeed take the seat next to her, and cocked her ear towards Pinkie in a ‘listening’ pose. “Um… Can I tell you a big ol’ honkin secret?” Pinkie’s voice came up a little louder, though now she sounded kinda nervous.
Twilight nodded solemnly, pulling her in for a comforting hug. Maybe Pinkie had just been going along for the ride? “Um… I’ve… never dated somepony.” Pinkie’s words blurted out, and Twilight felt not quite shocked but definitely surprised. “Like, I know all about making little fillies and colts and stuff!” She hurried on, almost comically. “An’ I know about grownup time and what it means to love somepony but…”
Twilight decided to cut her off there. “Pinkie, it’s okay.” She had to work hard to suppress her giggles. “Honestly? I’ve never really dated anypony either. I mean, I’ve studied it a bit…” She fidgeted at that. Everypony always seemed to find that funny.
Pinkie brightened considerably. “Well, yeah! You gotta do the homework before you can take the test!” She grinned hugely. “I read Princess Cadence’s Guide to looking for love in all the right places. How about you?”
Twilight couldn’t help but facehoof. “Oh, Celestia. I remember Cadence giving me that thing when I turned sixteen. I couldn’t get through it, It all seemed so silly!” And just like that, Pinkie was giggling like her normal self right alongside her.
Pinkie shook her head. “Yeah, it was pretty cheesy. But It was the only book Dad would let me have, since he couldn’t say a Princess’ advice on love was immoral or any of that hooey.” She stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry. “But it was all I had to go on, and I really wanted to ask Big Macintosh out. And hooey, was that a bad move.” She rolled her eyes and fell backwards on the couch.
Twilight grinned. “That bad huh?” She teased, gently poking her hoof into Pinkie’s side. “Why Big Macintosh, anyway?”
Pinkie cracked a dramatically closed eye open to leer at her. “It was so bad, I think he was laughin’ at me for once in his life. And seriously, Twily.” Pinkie gave her a decidedly schoolmarmish look. “Every mare who likes stallions in town has tried to get into Big Macintosh’s barn at least once, ifyannowhatimean.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively enough to make Twilight’s cheeks go into full beet-red blush.
Pinkie giggled again and cocked her head to one side. “You know why I asked for this, Twitwi?” She had gone serious again at the drop of a pin, and Twilight was too busy trying to get herself together to talk anyway. “Because you… You’re okay with me. I mean, I know I kinda frustrate you sometimes.” Pinkie’s grin turned sheepish. “And sometimes, maybe I’m a bit too silly. But you’ve never pushed me away because of it, and… and that means a lot to me.”
She hugged Twilight a moment later, smelling faintly of cotton candy and buttercream with forelegs as soft as downy pillows. And Twilight didn’t have to be a genius to see absolutely everything starting to careen downhill at exponential speeds.
~~~~~~~~
Twilight didn’t know what she’d been expecting when she arrived at the Carousel Boutique, but she was pretty sure what she found wasn’t quite it. She’d been wined, dined, and treated with all manner of luxury and pampering by her other friends. But here, she found Rarity wrapped in a fluffy white robe and carrying a bottle of middle-of-the-range red wine with her magic. Inside, a film projector sat behind a large and comfortable looking couch. “Just a girl’s night in.” She insisted a moment later, with that same tremulous smile she’d had a week ago.
“Whatever happened to treating me like a Princess?” Twilight snarked a bit, but she did her best to make it clear that this was exactly the sort of relaxation she needed. She slipped in, dropped her purse to the floor and gladly removed the stifling dress she’d slipped on with the impression that she’d needed it.
Rarity merely chuckled ruefully. “I could not convince Aloe and Lotus to give us an entire day all to ourselves on such short notice. Next time dear.” She winked. “Besides, while I’d love to take you out on the town for an event worthy of a princess, such things take time. I think it’d be better to just… relax. Get to know one another a little better.” Rarity had already fetched a pair of wine glasses and was pouring the deep red liquid. “You know. First date stuff.”
Twilight took her glass with a smile. “First Date stuff?” Her smiled turned wry. “Rarity, you know very well I haven’t done much dating in my life.” She sipped at the tart and surprisingly sweet vintage and plopped herself gladly up on Rarity’s overstuffed sofa. The thing smelt strongly of cinnamon, but not in a bad way. “Besides, I’d like to think I know you pretty well by now.” That was, she hoped, the truth. But she could be wrong.
Rarity smiled bemusedly. “Perhaps, darling. But that doesn’t mean that even among friends one doesn’t have secrets.” She closed the door gently and threw the bolt, then went to work threading the film strip into the machine. “For example, I’ll wager quite strongly that you did not know my father is not unfamiliar with yours.”
Twilight nearly spat out her wine. “What?” She coughed, smacking her chest a little in reaction to swallowing the wine the wrong way.
Rarity’s lips curled up cutely. “I actually hadn’t known myself until recently, but apparently my father was a detective in the Canterlot Guard when your father was a member of the Royal Guard.” She laughed and sat down on the couch next to Twilight, shamelessly snuggling up against her side. Twilight scootched away a little, and Rarity pouted at her. “Come now, darling. Are we really going to play the touch-me-not game?”
Twilight considered that for a moment, pulling her hindlegs up and wrapping her forelegs around them. “I’m still trying to work out how I feel about all this. I don’t… It’s so strange, going out with all of you and wondering more and more if I’ve gotten myself into an impossible situation.” She ducked her head down and laid her chin against her knees. “I don’t want to hurt anypony’s feelings.”
There was a moment of silence before Rarity tsked softly. “Darling, if nothing else, I want you to no longer be afraid of the last bit. While it would certainly be a personal disappointment, I shan’t love you any less as a friend should you decide to reject my advances.” She fluttered her eyelashes coyly. “I am not a mare without means, Twilight. And nor should you worry about our other friends.”
“Even Fluttershy?” Twilight asked in a quiet voice, still thinking about Fluttershy’s little rambling declaration. She was still so very confused about all of this.
Rarity’s hoof gently touched her shoulder. “Twilight, I promise you. The absolute worst reaction you shall inspire in any of us is perhaps a few lonely nights beneath the sheets with naught for company but our imaginations.” Twilight turned her head to see Rarity’s sly smile and barely restrained giggles.
Twilight had run out of patience. “Sheesh, Rarity. Just how long have you girls been… thinking about me that way?” She couldn’t bring herself to say it for some reason, though she was sure Rarity got the hint.
Rarity winked. “Personally? Since you walked into my boutique, darling. Then you became a princess, and things got rather more heated.” She giggled softly and flicked the switch on the projector. “Which reminds me, tonight’s movie shall be an old favorite of mine. A rather risque little comedic romance to help you relax a bit.”
Twilight bit at her lip and scootched back over next to Rarity, laying her head on the other unicorn’s shoulder. “Promise you’ll help pick me up when this is all over?” She half whispered, trying to let the tension run out of her shoulders
Rarity’s eyes twinkled like her jewels. “You’ll never need to worry about that, my Princess alluring.”
~~~~~~~
High above Ponyville in the early morning twilight, one Princess of Equestria and one Future Wonderbolt met one another atop a cloud platform that was typically reserved for preparing fillies and colts for flight training. “You ready for today, egghead?” Dash turned to her, a cocky grin spread across her face.
“What in the world do you have in mind, Dash?” Twilight tried not to dance nervously on the cloud top, but even all these months later she still couldn’t believe she was standing on a cloud just like a real pegasus. Countless years of filly dreams of having a set of wings of her very own were enough to make her a little bit giddy every time she put them to use.
Dash chuckled softly. “See, I look at it this way. You’ve basically been living like an earth pony for a while now, and you already knew plenty about being a unicorn.” SHe cocked her head to one side, her smile growing wider. “But you don’t know jack about being a pegasus. You’ve learned a few things, but you gotta be educated.” She slipped up closer, her eyes gleaming. “So now that all your magic’s getting settled, I’m gonna show you how pegasi court one another. Really important lesson for a proper pegasus to know, yanno.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow at her. “That so? And why in Equestria would I need to know this sort of thing?” She crossed her forehooves over her chest and tried not to think too hard about how far down the ground was.
Dash turned and swished her tail once from side to side, spreading her wings out all at once. She glanced over her shoulder at Twilight with a smoky smile. “Because it ain’t like anything you’ve done before, and I know how much hate not knowing stuff. If you can catch me, I’ll explain everything!” And suddenly she was gone in a blur of rainbow speed, straight up into the dim light of pre dawn.
Twilight stared up at her, mentally chewing over the benefits and costs to actually playing along with Rainbow on this. Ultimately though, Rainbow was right. She really did hate not knowing what was going on. So she stretched out her wings and took flight.
What would happen next would be simultaneously one of the most frustrating and exhilarating moments of her life. From the moment she took to the sky, she felt a subtle twinge of magic in the air that grabbed at her instincts and strummed them like harp strings. She tightened up her flying form, her wings beat quicker and for a moment it was almost like she held the magic of the Princesses of Equestria again. She wasn’t nearly as fast as she’d been then, but she was much faster than she ought to be.
Dash soared ahead of her, and instinct spurred her to try to catch up. Unfortunately, the instant she got close, Dash did a sharp 180 degree turn and tagged her on the back of the head while laughing like a maniac. “Too slow, Princess!” Rainbow Dash egged her on, “You won’t impress anypegasus with that lame flying!”
The gauntlet thus thrown down, Twilight turned her brain onto its maximum to try and out think the skilled flier. She dodged, she wove, she banked, she twirled and spun and did loop-the-loops and still Dash stayed just a hoof length out of reach. Every time Twilight thought she was getting closer, Dash would slip away yet again giggling like a maniac.
It would not be until the sun had fully risen above the horizon that either Dash finally gave up or she finally outsmarted her. Twilight would never be able to say which had actually happened mostly because her head was swimming a little too much with instinctive action and adrenalin.
What she could remember was finally wrapping her forelegs around Dash’s midsection and send them careening into a cloudbank. The fluffy stuff slowed their movement until they came to a grinding halt atop it, both of them panting like they’d just run a marathon. Dash cracked an eye open and was grinning at her, and somewhere between breaths, Twilight managed to speak. “You tell me… what happened… right now… Or I’m going… to turn you… into a newt!”
Dash moved up, wrodlessly trying to press her lips in against Twilight - but Twilight wasn’t going to have any of that right now, shoving her hoof into Dash’s chest and pinning her to the cloud. “Ack! Sheesh, you must be really worked up…” Dash didn’t even seem winded. That was incredibly unfair. Apparently, something on her face convinced Dash to speak. “Um… Pegasi mate on the wing, Twilight. Well, their first time they do. For some reason, flying against a partner kinda… works us up.” She had a slightly nervous chuckle in her voice. “Um… you’ve been so stressed lately I thought… maybe… possibly knowing how good it felt might be a good thing for you?”
Twilight stared at her for a few long moments before punching Dash in the shoulder. Then in the other shoulder. Then she kissed Rainbow Dash square on the mouth before growling in a very low voice. “You are very lucky that I know you’re a good pony, Rainbow Dash, or else I might be very cross with you right now.” And honestly, given how she felt right now she was almost inclined to give in to Dash’s clever little subterfuge.
Dash bit at her lower lip and did not cry out from the smacks, instead turning her head away. “You’re such a loner, Twilight. Even with all of us around, you still don’t seem to get out to do much. I suppose I just wanted to show you how Pegasi have fun.”
Twilight considered that for a moment, her breathing slowly restoring to normal. Then she got a wicked grin. “Okay, Dashie. I’ll make you a deal.” She tapped Dash’s shoulder. “Tag. You’re it. If you can catch me, you can show me some pegasus fun.” She leapt backwards into the air, wondering why the heck she felt so alive. “But if you can’t get me, you’re going to be cleaning my castle for the next week!”
Dash’s eyes lit up. “You’re on!” She yelled… just in time for Twilight to teleport far into the distance. From her new position, Twilight could hear Dashie's distant voice. "Oh, COME ON!"
~~~~~~~~
Twilight quietly glared at her old, battered tea set. “I’m getting deja vu.” She proclaimed to the world, even as the Princess finished off another one of Pinkie’s cookies with obvious relish. The only real difference was that this time, they were actually alone. Spike was gone for the weekend to hang out with the crusaders. Her house staff had been banished from the place by Celestia before Twilight had even woken up. It was the first time they had ever been truly alone together. Even the Royal Guard were utterly absent.
Celestia half smiled, setting down her teacup. “I suppose this is all a little strange,” She muttered, all of her usual serenity and clean wisdom having dropped away to reveal a weary but warm mare beneath the torque and crown. “You’ll want an explanation, I’m sure.”
Twilight hummed and then shook her head. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Princess. I can understand why it would be something you didn’t want to talk about.” She fidgeted with her hooves and tried not to stare at the Princess sitting there as casually as if she’d just woken up for breakfast. “But um… if I can ask when you first started thinking…?” It was a girlish crush sort of thing, but after the insane week she’d just had, she was prepared to indulge in it a bit.
“When you brought Luna back to me.” Celestia replied without a hint of hesitation, a little shimmer of restrained tears in her eyes. “You gave me a gift unparalleled in history, Twilight. One I shall be unable to ever fully repay you for and I honestly do not think I want to. Your courage was sublime and you did everything a teacher could ever expect from her student.” She took a deep breath and bowed her head. “It was then I realized you had become much more than my student, and that your path would one day lead us to be equals. And perhaps even more appealing, you would be like me… but not related to me.”
Celestia had a wicked gleam in her eye, and Twilight couldn’t help herself. She facehoofed. “Oh, for pity’s sake, Celestia. Are you saying you were only attracted to me because I wasn’t your blood relation?” She kept her tone wry, and tossed her mane sassily. “Sheesh, and here I thought you loved me for my brains and brilliant plans.”
Celestia huffed and threw a pillow at her face with a bit of magic, which Twilight easily deflected. “Scamp.” She snapped, and then chuckled richly. “Your brains I’ll grant you, but your plans have been a touch scattershot as of late.” She tilted her head back and sighed. “Twilight, I don’t want you to feel pressured to make any sort of decision. I’ve already spoken with your friends this week, and we all want you to know that we love you no matter what.”
Twilight nodded once at that. Well, at least she wouldn’t have to worry about making rash decisions this time, anyway. Celestia stood, walked around the table and gently nipped at her ear, causing her to tumble rump over snout in surprise at the intimate gesture. “We can be patient Twilight, but not for too long.” Celestia cooed, leaning down. “I don’t intend to lose you to anypony and I shall be fighting most vigorously for your affections. And as my sister would be able to tell you, I can be very...” Her voice turned husky as she leaned in, "Vigorous."
And then she was gone in a flash of twinkling golden light.
Several hours later, Twilight stared morosely down at a stack of warm and lovely notes from the mares of her life. They suggested simple things, every day things, homey things. No date things. Not unless she wanted to talk about those, they promised. Even if Rainbow Dash was not looking forward to wearing a maid uniform for a week. There was just one, teensie, tiny, minuscule little problem. She had no idea which one she could possibly choose to even start dating, because she had terrifyingly come to realize how wonderful each and every one of them was.
In fact, the only possible plan she could come up with would be to take each and every one of them out in extended sequences of relationship actions from the simple to the not-so-simple and somehow pray to Faust that she could figure out which one was the right one before she went stir crazy. But that would probably just rile up the Equestrian press again if they saw her with just one of her friends on an intimate basis.
So she buried her head in her hooves and started laughing. It really was just too impossibly absurd. She no longer had any choice. She would have to somehow ship herself with somepony else over and over again until she found a solution.
Then the doors to her palace burst open, revealing Princess Luna in her royal regalia and bearing several unlabelled bottles of what were clearly some kind of alcohol. “Rejoice, Twilight Sparkle!” Luna spoke in her booming Royal Canterlot voice. “We have felt thy confusion, and have come with a solution to thy woes! What dost thou thinkest of a Royal Harem?”
Twilight stared at her in frank disbelief, and facehoofed. Maybe she should just load herself into a box and ship herself to the griffon kingdoms. That would probably be simpler.
