He's Toast

by Synt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 1077

It's nearing Valentines Day. Therefore, it is only appropriate to have a date for such an occasion. Problem is, Twilight is getting desperate. Ergo, somepony needs to be there to catch her when she falls. This somepony is Rarity.

It's nearing Valentines Day. Therefore, it is only appropriate to have a date for such an occasion. Problem is, Twilight is getting desperate. Ergo, somepony needs to be there to catch her when she falls. This somepony is Rarity.

Published 2014-10-14 20:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-14 20:20:06 UTC

Brown Bread

It was a calm day in Ponyville. The birds were singing their usual songs, the buzzards were buzzing their usual buzz, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were up to their usual antics.

All was as it should be.

Deep within the confines of her boutique, Rarity hummed contentedly as she fed silk through her sewing machine. The alabaster unicorn had all but situated herself nicely within her usual rhythm of turning and feeding piece of fabric after piece of fabric, occasionally undoing errors and mistakes, with not so much as a grunt, grumble or growl.

Surely, this was to be a nice, quiet, peaceful day.

Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle burst through the door with a crash, tumbling as she went, and landed in the middle of the room, tears streaming from her eyes like a cascade of horrible dampness. Rarity, for her part, didn't even bat an eye. For this was a usual occurrence at this time of year, as it was nearing the dreaded 'Hearts and Hooves Day', or as Rarity called it, 'Singles Awareness Day', 'SAD' for short.

Huffing a most lady like huff, Rarity flared her horn. This caused a vast array of furniture, such as a mahogany table, a crimson sitting chair and equally crimson sofa, as well as some crockery and a half empty teapot, to come sliding into the room and arrange themselves neatly and quietly in the center of the room. They knew better than to not do as they were told. Especially after what had happened last time. They were crimson for a reason.

Twilight also knew the drill by now. She immediately stopped crying, wiped her eyes and lazily crawled onto the sofa, pouting. Rarity, however, took the time to finish up on the fabric she was currently sewing. Twilight was not going to ruin another dress with her escapades of failed romance. Again.

Eventually, Rarity, along with everything else, was in place. Rarity stared expectantly at Twilight and Twilight stared miserably back at Rarity. The battle of boredom and bereavement had begun.

"Well?" Rarity asked.

"I can't even..."

"What?"

"I can't even."

"You... can't even?"

"I can't even!" Twilight shouted hysterically as she descended into sobbing.

"I see," Rarity said as she rubbed the bridge of her muzzle with her hoof.

About five minutes later, Twilight had gathered most of her composure and Rarity had poured each of them a cup of herbal tea.

"Now," Rarity began, "tell me what happened, from the beginning."

"I-it all started this morning, at breakfast. I came downstairs and he was just sitting there, at the table."

"Was he a friend of Spike's?" Rarity asked carefully.

"I guess... I don't know."

"I see, no matter." Rarity then flared her horn once more and dropped a couple of sugar cubes into her cup. "What did he look like, exactly?"

"He was brown."

"Just brown?"

"Yeah, but he looked pretty healthy to me."

"That's good, I suppose." Rarity took a small sip, noting the strangely bitter taste. "What was he like?"

"A bit dry and crusty, to be honest."

"Hmm, I know the type," Rarity shivered slightly. "Was he... attractive?"

"Yeah, he was pretty hot."

Rarity sputtered on her tea and set the cup down, spilling some of it's contents onto the table. "Twilight, dear, you can't just date somebody for their looks, it never works out."

Twilight just looked down and sniffled, sobbing quietly. "I know, Rarity. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, dear. What happened next?"

"We talked. He wasn't much for conversation, but he was a good listener."

"That's nice."

"Mmhmm, I even buttered him up a little and he was completely modest about it."

"Oh, such a gentlecolt," Rarity swooned.

Twilight nodded, but that same, bitter frown still stuck to her lips. "A-a-and then we kissed..."

"Oh, really? That's marvelous! I don't think you've ever gotten that far before," said Rarity, clapping her hooves together.

Instead of joining in on Rarity's excitement, Twilight just starting sobbing louder, adding in the occasional ear splitting whine to punctuate her sorrow.

"A-and then I had to go to the little fillies room, and when I-I got b-back..."

Twilights speech then descended into incoherent mumbling and blubbering, causing Rarity to groan loudly and stand up. Rarity then mumbled some obscene profanities under her breath and made her way to the kitchen for something to eat. Soon after Twilight had calmed down, Rarity had come back with a bowl of custard creams.

"Right.. so, you just came back from the little fillies room, what did you see?"

"H-he..." Rarity cut off Twilight's soon-to-be blubbering with a hoof and narrowed her eyes. Finally, Twilight lowered her head and softly, dejectedly said:

"There was another mare..."

A pin dropped but could not be heard amongst the cacophony of silence. Rarity slowly squared her jaw and narrowed her eyes further.

"What?" she growled.

Twilight didn't raise her gaze, a few stray tears broke from their dam and dropped to the floor pathetically. "She was all over him, rubbing up against him, everything..."

Rarity didn't say anything more. She just gave an apologetic smile to Twilight, turned around and slowly, calmly, walked out the front door.

It was a calm day in Ponyville. The birds were singing their usual songs, the buzzards were buzzing their usual buzz, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were up to their usual antics.

All was as it should be.

Deep within the confines of the Ponyville library, Spike hummed contentedly as he scooped the final portion of scrambled eggs on toast into his mouth, savoring the combined flavors of eggs and wheat, without so much as a grunt, grumble or growl.

Surely, this was to be a nice, quiet, peaceful day.

Suddenly, Rarity burst through the front door crash, splinters flew from the door as it slammed open, and stopped dead in the center of the room, smoke fleeing from her ears like a missile of raw, concentrated mare fury. Spike, for his part, didn't even bat an eye. This was a usual occurrence this time of year, as it was nearing the dreaded 'Hearts and Hooves Day', or as Spike called it, 'Singles Awareness Day', 'SAD' for short.

"Where is he?" She seethed, absolutely livid.

"Where is who?" Spike asked, picking a strand of lavender hair from his teeth.

Rarity simply growled at him, narrowing her eyes at the empty plate on the table.

"Because when I find him, he's toast."