Princess Luna reclined in her throne, and to the visible horror of the noble currently petitioning her, turned sideways to rest on one elbow, hindlegs hanging off the edge of the throne.
The noble at the foot of the stairs leading to the throne hesitated, the flow of carefully accented complaint ceasing for but a brief moment as the noble decided what was more important - being offended, or airing concerns. His sense of indignation was great, but his desire to get something done about the export tax on grapes was greater, and Luna struggled to suppress a groan as the drabble drabbled on.
Her two comrades in suffering, the identically-uniformed-but-distinct Captain Riot Shield and Major Claystone stood at her side, as always, the night guards doing their best to not look at their princess askance.
Luna waited, and still the drabble did not cease. This baron talking at her... he was very handsome, and very rich. Possibly very smart, too, thanks to a good education. The main problem was that Jumping Jack was a self-centred, odious little prick. Nopony cared about the export tax on grapes going up by point-zero-one-two-five for the first time in the last sixty years! But Luna was bound to listen, for this was the Night Court, and as Princess of the Night, it was her personal responsibility to listen to the grieviances of those who came to her in her domain. And according to ancient laws she apparently cosigned a millenium and a half ago, non-delegatable. Oh, the follies of youth.
"Enough!" Luna declared loudly, flopping over the armrests of her chair as Jack produced a large graph with aid from two rather dapper looking stallions.
"Enough of this ridiculous tax hike?" Jack asked.
"Enough of this blather!" Luna exclaimed, sitting up and squaring her shoulders. "You are whining about a barely noticeable increase in tax, the first increase in your lifetime and likely your father's lifetime! Is this something you believe to be worth my time?"
"I'm not whining," Jack said sulkily. "I'm complaining."
Luna shot Jack a look that would have withered a dragon. The noble was protected by a hefty layer of ego and natural ignorance of danger, and so turned his nose up in the face of this most perilous threat.
"And of course it's worth your time," Jack said bluntly. "This is something that could change the face of the Equestrian grape market for centuries to come! This is a long-term concern!"
“I have lived for over two thousand years!” Luna declared hotly. “And frankly, I will in all likelihood live for another ten, at least! I have undertaken tasks that have required decades of planning and preparation to bear a single, crucial fruit, and succeeded!” Luna glared at Jack. “I understand ‘long-term concerns’ better than you could know!”
“Then you see how important this is, Princess?” Jack asked, remaining oblivious to just how close to boiling point the most-violently-tempered princess was getting.
Luna ground her teeth, and her guards looked at her, tensing up as they prepared to deal with whatever command she gave next, no matter what. Luna stood tall, and regarded the moderate gathering of late-night nobility, who looked back at her with alarm, standing not generally being part of the Night Court proceedings.
"Is there anypony here with an actual problem that cannot be endured or tolerated?" she asked of the crowd.
In response, at least one hoof belonging to every noble was raised. Luna snorted and her eyebrow twitched.
"Actual, urgent problems that cannot be solved prudently by other means?" she tried. No hooves so much as wavered, let alone lowered.
"Is there anypony here who is, say, dying because of their problem?" Luna pressed. "A problem that can only be remedied by a boon from myself or my sister? Life threatening injuries sustained by fighting a basilisk, perhaps? Vampony outbreak? A plague of Parasprites o'er the land?"
Hooves tentatively went down, save for those belonging to a few brave individuals. Luna glared at those resilient hooves, and they too joined their brethren until there was not a single hoof in the air. Luna nodded grimly.
"That's what I thought. Captain?"
"Yes, Princess?" Riot Shield said, saluting with one leg, his illusory hoof clipping through his forehead a little as the salute was made with his peg leg.
"Remove these ponies from the court, Night Court is adjourned for tonight. And it will remain adjourned until further notice."
"B-but you can't do that, can you?" Jack complained.
"I am the Princess of the Night," Luna said loudly, eyes glowing a little as she loomed over the cowering noble, an aura of shadow forming behind and around her. "The night I cannot dictate what happens in my court is the night I am no longer Princess! Guards!"
"Alright, everypony," Claystone said, stepping forward with his spear clutched under his wing. "You heard the princess, please make your way to the exit. Court is adjourned for tonight."
The nobles protested, and pleaded for their case to be heard, but their pleas fell on ears that either didn't want to hear it, or took more pleasure at finally being able to herd the pompous twits out of the room for the night. After all, a happy princess was a happy work environment.
Eventually, the doors swung shut, and Luna was alone in the throne room at last, and once her stallions stood still once more, there was not a sound. Only silence.
Glorious, glorious silence.
Until there was a tentative knock on the door, and Luna groaned loudly, wondering if she should humor whatever courageous noble that dared cross her at this point, running the odds on them being too stupid to recognize a princess who had Had Enough.
“Enter,” she called out, exasperated.
There was a creaking of doors once more, and a uniformed head poked itself through the now slightly ajar doors, torchlight glinting off his midnight steel helm.
“Princess?” the night guard asked, concerned. “Is everything alright?”
Luna recognized the voice, and relaxed when she realized she didn’t have to deal with nobility, beckoning the guard in.
“Come in quick, Luggage,” she said. “Close the door.”
“What happened to the Night Court, princess?” Luggage Check asked, doing as he was bidden.
“The nobility happened,” Riot Shield said, from his new position near the main doors.
“Oh,” Luggage said, nodding as he acknowledged his superior officers.
“What news, Corporal Check?” Luna asked.
“We have a bit of a situation,” Luggage said, approaching Luna and bowing briefly before drawing a scroll out of his armor. “The Day-Night Guard-”
“You mean Celestia’s Guard?” Claystone asked.
“No,” Luggage said quickly. “I mean the daytime branch of the Night Guard.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” Claystone argued, looking to Luna. “Princess, what the hay?”
Luna didn’t get a chance to argue her point before Riot leaned over and hit Claystone on the head with his spear, hissing something only the two of them could hear next to the doors. Luna raised an eyebrow, but Claystone shook his head.
“Apologies, Princess,” he said. “Corporal Check, continue.”
Luggage cleared his throat irritably. “As I was saying... the Day-Night Guard’s surveillance has turned up a potential threat,” he said. “I am given to believe that this threat is facilitated by a traitor in the Royal Guard, so I have come to you first.”
“A traitor?” Luna asked. “How?”
“At approximately one o’clock, post-meridian,” Luggage rattled off, “A package was sighted in the posession of what appeared to be an ordinary deliverypony, who bypassed the castle gate by means of a staff permit.”
“All mailponies have that permit,” Luna said. “That’s how they deliver mail straight to the sorting room.”
“He had no mail,” Luggage said. “Just the one parcel, which he carried directly into the castle proper, bypassing the sorting room. Our agents tailed him from the shadows and witnessed him conceal the package behind a bust of your sister in the left gallery hall, before departing with haste.”
“The left gallery hall?” Luna asked. “How did he get there?”
“There is a significant hole in security,” Luggage said. “Patrols are structured in such a way that it is possible to reach the hall without being seen by any of them, and this courier did such a thing.”
“What of the courier?” Luna asked.
“We are still looking into him,” Luggage said. “He is a slippery individual. The parcel itself was unidentifiable, nondescript brown paper, and it was retrieved by a single, surreptitious-looking guardsmare. We attempted to identify her, but her IFF rune was disabled or non extant, and we could not.”
“Clever...” Luna muttered.
“The package was taken to the Solar Wing,” Luggage went on. “A spare room not far from Princess Celestia’s room. The guardsmare entered, and although we waited, she did not emerge. We investigated the room, and found it to be empty, devoid of mare or package.”
“She did not escape outside?” Luna asked.
“We are certain she did not,” Luggage said. “We had the room surrounded and under surveillance, and we did not detect any cast spells.”
“This is worrying news,” Luna said, standing up. “Good work, Corporal. I shall investigate this personally.”
“Y- you, personally?” Luggage asked, astonished.
“This problem threatens Celestia,” Luna stated. “Therefore, it is too dangerous for you to investigate further.”
“But what about you?” Luggage asked.
“I am Princess of the Night,” Luna repeated herself. “This night is my domain, and if I should fall in my domain, then naught can save Equestria.”
* * *
Luna pushed the door open, and stepped into the slightly musty room, dust swirling in the moonlight as she moved through it. Canterlot Castle had an abundance of spare rooms, and she couldn’t fathom why. Even if they were to host the Elements of Harmony and their extended family (even Applejack’s), she suspected there would still be spare rooms. What had Celly been thinking?
Luna scanned the room, searching for some sort of clue. The strange pony had vanished just under twelve hours prior, but Luna was confident she could unmask the plot -- after all, Celly had been fine at dinner, so whatever actions had been taken that afternoon were most likely preparatory.
Luna looked down at the carpet, and noticed a pattern of disturbance in the thin layer of dust that covered the floor, and grinned. Hoofprints. She had the spy now. She carefully followed them, weaving between draped furniture and boxes of ornaments to a large stretch of chamber wall.
It was oddly bare, now that Luna thought of it. No furniture rested against it, and no boxes sat near it. A wall bracket for a candle sat on the wall, and nothing else. Luna tapped her chin, and tried pulling the bracket. She was rewarded when it went clunk and very quietly, the wall swivelled slightly. Luna suppressed a gasp. A secret door, and it led into...
Her sister’s closet. Luna stepped through the doorway, and it slowly slid shut behind her, once more concealing itself, the glass-covered display of an old tunic and jacket betraying no secrets about the wall behind it.
Luna grimaced. This plot was dangerously advanced. Did the guardsmare mean to assassinate her sister? She looked around, and spotted a mess of paper. Stepping closer, her moon shone through a small window, lending light to the scene and revealing an empty box in paper. The box looked like it had held something long and pointed, but now was empty.
Luna’s heart skipped a beat. Daggers were long and pointed. She stole towards the door, and her eye fell on something long and white on the carpet just inside the double-doors. She knelt down, and picked it up carefully, squinting as she tried to identify it. It felt like...
And she gasped as she recoiled, cringing as she dropped it. It was a horn. Celestia’s horn! Luna’s ear twitched, and she heard a faint grunt from the next room over. Celestia’s bedchamber! The assassin had already taken her horn! She drew herself up, and readying a spell of dermal inversion, charged the closet doors.
They flew open with a crash, and Luna let out a battle cry as she scanned the room, looking for something to turn inside out. The room was moderately lit, and she easily saw the closed balcony window, the empty bed, and her sister sitting next to the fireplace, hooves on her horn and eyes wide as she stared at Luna, face red.
Luna’s battle cry died down uncertainly as she realized there was nopony else in the room, and faltered a little, mentally backtracking to make sure she hadn’t missed a vital clue.
“Luna!” Celestia exclaimed, getting up as she finally found her voice, more shaken than Luna had ever heard her. “What are you doing in my room?”
“I was-”
“Out!” Celestia urged, running at her sister and with not a bit of subtlety, tried to hustle her out of the room, aiming for the balcony. Luna resisted, and backed up to give herself some space for a moment.
“Hey!” Luna protested. “I thought you were in danger!”
“No danger here, out!” Celestia said, her face now bright red for some reason. “Go!”
Luna resisted her sister’s hustle once more, and scrutinized her carefully. Celly was acting odd. Luna decided on a prompt course of action, and punched her sister in the shoulder.
“Ow!” Celestia exclaimed, backing off. “What the hay, Luna?”
“Sorry,” Luna apologized. “I thought you were a changeling.”
“Well, I’m not!” Celestia said. “I’m me! And I want you to get out of my room!”
“Why would you...” Luna blinked, and leaned forward a little, eyes fixated on Celestia’s face as the solar princess tried to avoid her gaze. “Celly, what is up with your horn?”
Celestia looked up at her own horn, and realized the problem. Somewhere during her brief struggle, her horn must have touched something, because it was now bent at an odd angle, revealing... she quickly reached up and pulled it straight again.
“Nothing,” she denied quickly. “Forget it. It’s nothing. Why aren’t you going yet?”
“Is that a... false horn?” Luna asked, incredulous.
“D-don’t be ridiculous,” Celestia said, the almost legendarily unshakable alicorn, visibly shaken. “W-who even needs false horns? Not me!”
Luna walked forward, and swatted at the long horn with a hoof; it easily fell off, revealing a stumpy little round horn sticking out of Celestia’s head. The solar princess blushed harder and looked at her own hooves.
“What... happened to your horn?” Luna asked. “It doesn’t look hurt... Did you always use a horn extension?”
Celestia swallowed and looked up. “It was a while after you... left,” she admitted. “I kind of let myself go for a few decades... decided to shape up, got into an exercise regime, but... didn’t really get anywhere. So I took some steroids.”
“Steroids? Seriously?” Luna asked, mouth agape.
“Yeah,” Celestia said. “I wanted to bulk up faster, but...”
"You are kidding me."
"Nopony can know," Celestia pleaded. "Please."
Luna looked at Celestia. "You're telling me that my sister, the advocate of patience, master of gambits and greatest tactical genius of several millenia... shrank her horn with performance enhancing medicines because she wanted a shortcut to getting fit?"
"Hey," Celestia said. "When you're chubby, you want results fast!"
Luna face-hooved. "Ye gods. So, the infiltrator in the Royal Guard?"
"Me," Celestia admitted, guessing the pony in question. "And the deliverypony is paid a great deal to lie about what he delivers, no matter what." Celestia took a knee. "I beg of you, Luna. Please, keep this secret. For me?"
Luna lifted her head imperiously, and looked down her nose at Celestia. "Very well, sister mine – I shall keep your secret for you. Nopony will find out."
"Thank you, Luna!" Celestia wept. "Thank y-"
"On one condition," Luna said sharply.
* * *
"Princess Luna," Jumping Jack said. "Thank you for reopening Night Court. Truly your generosity is-"
"Some time today, Jack," Luna said.
Night Court was hushed, quiet, as Luna asserted herself over the diminished royalty. The new rules for Night Court hearings had thinned out a lot of the whiners.
"Very well," Jumping Jack said, a little offended by the expedition of the formalities. "I am here to protest the outrageous grape tax hike. If you have forgotten-"
"I have not forgotten," Luna said, getting up off her throne and rolling her neck as she descended the steps and walked over to the side of the room, where a fine oak cabinet sat. "To win this boon, you must best me at Mortal Kombat."
Jack went pale. "B- But your Highness, I- I-"
"Is there a problem, Jack?" Luna said coldly, opening the cabinet to reveal a cold glow from within. "I'm sure you have been aware of the new rules of Night Court for some time now."
Luna stood next to a cabinet containing a massive screen, upon which a depiction of one transparent, skeletal stallion uppercutting another stallion was frozen, cracks in bone visible. There were two controllers resting on the shelf, one in midnight blue and bearing the symbol of the Princess, and the other, which looked like someone had taken the original controller, gotten creative with the design, and made it out of cheap plastic. The Guest Controller.
The new rules were simple. Best Luna during Night Court at a contest of her choice, and you got to make a law. Nopony had, so far. Funny that.
Jumping Jack looked at his hooves. "Your highness, I've been practicing at Street Fighter, I thought that would be the challenge..."
"Well, then, for your sake, I hope you're going to get good at Mortal Kombat very quickly," Luna said. "I shall give you ten minutes' grace for practice. I warn you, my Scorpion game is strong."
