Everypony is Drunk and Speaking Russian For Some Reason

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Main 6
Length: 1500

Four short one-shots about random events in random pony lives.

1. Trixie visits England, Briefly: A mispronounced word by a showmare lands her in rural England, during a traditional English sporting event.

2. Everypony is Drunk and Speaking Russian for some Reason: A gift to Rainbow from a foreign pegasus turns out to have an unanticipated side effect when consumed.

3. Fluttersaurus Rex: She just wants a hug.

4. The Tragic End of Maregellen: Never trust a globe that was a gift from Chancellor Puddinghead.

Reading by AShadowOfCygnus

Published 2014-10-15 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-15 02:50:01 UTC

1: Trixie Visits England, Briefly

Trixie Visits England, Briefly
Admiral Biscuit

The Great and Powerful Trixie paced in circles around the Slightly-Less-Great and Slightly-Less-Powerful-even-if-she-did-have-wings-now Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle. Her pounding on the door had gone unheeded by even that small green and purple monkey or whatever it was that Twilight kept around as a servant.

That Twilight Sparkle was absent was obvious. When she would be back . . . that was not obvious. And so Trixie paced, occasionally knocking on the door or otherwise making a nuisance of herself, until finally Trixie was forced to admit defeat. She sat down in front of her foe's door and began to pen a note.

Conveniently, Sugar Grape happened to be trotting by, and saw the unicorn. “She's not there,” the pegasus offered.

“Trixie knows that.”

“Did she tell you?”

“Who?”

“Trixie. Did Trixie tell you that Twilight was gone?”

“Trixie is Trix—never mind. When will Sparkle be back?”

Sugar Grape shrugged her wings. “Dunno. She went through a mirror-portal thing in the castle in order to go to some weird bipedal world and save Equestria in a rock concert or something. There was a public announcement, but I didn't really pay attention.”

“Well, Trixie will go, too.”

“Suit yourself.” The mare wandered off, never to be heard of again.

As soon as she was gone, Trixie got out her Foal's First Lockpicking Set, and began working on the doors.

An hour later, she discovered they'd been unlocked all along.

The mirror-portal thing was easy to find. It was thrumming away happily in the center of a room, pulsing and throwing odd little bits of energy here and there. Beside it was a huge book labeled “Instructions for Mk I ~~Star~~Magic gate.”

Trixie skimmed past ten pages of warnings, before finding the spell which activated it. Fekk skade på sin eigen hestefot? Trixie's lips formed the strange words. She'd kind of slept through most of her incantation classes, and mispronounced 'hestefot' as 'Gloucester.' The portal pulsed happily anyway, and without any further ado, Trixie stepped through.

The first thing she noticed in the new world was Cooper's Hill, which was crawling with dozens of running, stumbling, and tumbling bipeds, all headed in her direction. The second thing she noticed was a nine-pound wheel of double Gloucester cheese, moving at about sixty miles an hour, when it struck her squarely in the chest.

She tumbled backwards through the portal, followed by the cheese.

And that is how Trixie won the Gloucester Cheese-Rolling competition.

Author's Note

Yes, the Gloucester Cheese Rolling Competition is a real thing. First prize is you get to keep the wheel of cheese.

2: Everypony is Drunk and Speaking Russian for Some Reason

Everypony is Drunk and Speaking Russian for Some Reason
Admiral Biscuit

Twilight, as was her norm, had her muzzle tucked in a book, while her five closest friends chatted around her. She would normally have paid them better attention, but she had become distracted by the glass bottle full of a clear, antiseptic-smelling liquid that was in front of her. Everypony had had a drink—Rainbow had gotten it from a friend of hers. Everypony, that is, except Twilight. She was determined to solve the mystery of the label, which was written in a strange script of all capital letters, some of them backwards.

The script, she had already learned, was Cyrillic, but the translation was proving more elusive. She was sure it was hidden just beyond what she was reading.

She flicked her ears in annoyance at a loud, quite unladylike snort from Rarity.

“Hey, girls, can you keep it down a little bit? I'm trying to read.”

“Не будь скучной” Fluttershy said, and giggled. Don't be boring

Rainbow leaned towards Twilight. “Выпей водки.” Drink the vodka

Twilight blinked at them in confusion.

“действительно дорогая,” Rarity gave a prim head-toss. “расширить свой кругозор.” Really, darling, expand your horizons

Twilight blinked at them. “I have no idea what you're saying.” She looked brightly at the bottle. “Ooh! Is it a liquid translation spell?”

“более или менее,” Pinkie assured her. More or less

“яблоки яблоки,” Applejack agreed. Apples apples

Twilight clapped her hooves together. She'd heard of such things before. She was more attuned to unicorn casting magic, but she'd begun grilling Zecora about potions—especially since Apple Bloom had an interest in them—and was never afraid to experiment with a new spell. While her friends watched, she brought the bottle to her lips and drank deeply.

As with most potions, it burned like fury when it went down. Twilight coughed lightly, and blinked as the whole room turned slightly off-kilter, before oscillating back to position. Her skin suddenly felt warm, while her hooves had moved an impossible distance down her legs. She focused on the ten expectant faces staring at her.

“это на вкус как ракетное топливо,” she said. This tastes like rocket fuel

Author's Note

the translation was proving more elusive. It was hidden just beyond what she was reading.

Highlight after lines in Russian for the hidden translation.

This particular topic came up at Bronycon. I don't remember the context, and to protect the guilty, I'm not going to go back in my notes and find who's to blame, but it was probably an Equestria Daily Pre-Reader.

3: Fluttersaurus Rex

Fluttersaurus Rex
Admiral Biscuit

She is the loneliest creature in the primordial world. All who see her flee in terror.

Fluttersaurus crashes through the tall ferns, in pursuit of her elusive prey. A little white rabbit is bounding away from her, as fast as his little bunny legs can carry him. He zigs and zags and hops and bops, while behind him the fearsome Fluttersaur blunders forward, saliva dripping from a mouth full of flesh-tearing teeth.

Ahead is a cliff. The rabbit can run no further. He glances from side to side, but there is no escape, short of jumping to his death.

He has a brief fantasy of kicking the horrible dinosaur off the cliff, but of course it would not feel his fury—could not! So he waits for the end as the grasping claws reach for his tender flesh . . .

And stop ten feet away. Fluttersaurus' arms are too short to reach him.

He hops to freedom between her legs, giving her one good kick in passing.

Fluttersaurus watches him flee and hangs her head. Tears drip to the ground. All I wanted was to hug him. Why doesn't anysaur want a hug?

Author's Note

If you read the IDW comics, you'll know Fluttersaurus Rex is canon.

I think it should actually be Fluttersaurus Regina, but I can't be bothered to look it up.

4: The Tragic End of Maregellen

The Tragic End of Maregellen
Admiral Biscuit

On the sterncastle of Her Royal Majesty's ship Trinidad, Commander Maregellen stood next to the helmspony, studying a globe which her good friend Chancellor Puddinghead had given her. They were—by her best reckoning—more than halfway between Equestria and the other side of Equestria.

Everypony had told her that she was crazy, but she was sure she could sail around the whole thing.

“Land ahead,” a pegasus reported from the crow's next. “Shoaling water, and then land.”

Are we there? She trembled with excitement, and turned to her helmsmare. “Bring the ship as close as you can without grounding her.”

Maregellen galloped around the ship, gathering supplies and preparing for a landing party. She was certain this wasn't her final destination . . . but if there were ponies on the land, perhaps she could ask where they were. The globe didn't show any land here, but it wasn't a very useful tool for navigation, in all honestly. Only the largest landmasses were shown.

Presently, she found herself on the strange shore, accompanied by four of her most loyal mares. She stuck a Ponygese flag in the sand, on the off chance that this land hadn't been claimed by somepony else already, and trotted across the rising land, her exploration party on her heels.

By the end of the day, they'd reached the other side of the landmass. There was no ocean there; there was no nothing. Only an empty space, studded with stars.

In frustration, Maregellen bravely went to the very edge, and peered over, hoping against hope to see something below her—some strange land or sea, but there was naught.

She craned her neck over the edge, and got a glimpse of the strata of rock, neatly sliced as if by a cleaver, before the loose topsoil crumbled underhoof. The last thing her crew heard was a diminishing scream as she fell off the edge of Equestria.

The four mares looked around at each other in wide-eyed wonder, before tossing the globe off the edge, too.

Author's Note

A One-Shot-Ober fic

The real Magellan is credited as the first man to circumnavigate the globe, although he didn't make it past the Philippines.