Welcome to Hell, I'll Be Your Guide
"Man, this sucks. College is so boring, the classes are always full of hourly snooze long lectures. My job is a dead-end that barely pays the bills, I have no girlfriend, no lifelong goals....THIS IS HORRIBLE! Man, I wish that something exciting would happen!" Dustin shouted, his eyes darting around in suspense. "Well, yet again life has failed me. WHY LIFE! WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL, YOU EVIL WITCH!" he shouted into the clear blue sky. The passerby's just stared at him in awkward silence, their scuttling feet breaking the quiet tension looming in the air. With a sigh, Dustin departed home, hoping that writing and maybe a decent show on television would help his mood.
With night approaching and his body weary, he yawned and slipped into bed under the sheets. After setting the alarm on his clock, he plopped his face into the soft pillow, the cool fabric molding around his face. Dustin fell asleep, dreaming that he was in a whole new world, complete with excitement, dungeons, and scantily clad women. Chuckling in his sleep, he tossed and turned at the glorious events unfolding within the depths of his mind. The clock read 3:33, the ticking ceasing to a halt. A swirl of shadows emerged next to his bed, revealing a dark and handsome figure.
This figure donned a black top-hat with a black trench-coat, the ends of the fabric flickering with dark smoldering flames. He held a long crooked cane adjourned with a skull atop of it. His hands were smooth and refined in the moonlight which shone through the window. His pants were ripped in various locations, chains spilling out of his pockets and resting along his sides. With a slight tap on Dustin's head, the figure awaited Dustin's response. When Dustin merely grunted and farted, the figure groaned in disappointment.
"Do I really have to do this? Is he really worth it?" he asked aloud. "Hey, dingleberry wake up."
Another grunt from Dustin was his response.
"Oh for the love of- WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU MORTAL TWAT!"
"AGGJFJGFJHFDJH," Dustin sputtered, confused and scared as what was happening.
"Good, you're awake. Now we can-"
"Who are you?! Oh my glob I' being robbed!" Dustin interrupted.
"Look calm down, I am-"
"Aaahhh! I know kung fu man! I-I'll beat your ass with my bare hands!"
"Look, I'm here to-"
"Help! Someone! Police! Fire!"
"WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" the figure shouted, his form twisting into a fiery demon. "Now then, I am Eternal. My full name is Eternal Cries, your personal advocate at your service. Here's my business card," he replied, a card appearing in Dustin's hands. "Now then, you have a wish, and I am here to grant it. So, do we have a deal?"
"Wish? What wish?"
"An exciting life. So deal?"
"What? Hold on. 1st, how did you get here? 2nd, why should I make a deal with you? 3rd, what's the price?" asked Dustin.
"I got here because you summoned me when you yelled at the sky. Now the other two questions. The price is half of your life span in the afterlife in addition to being my slave. You really should make a deal with me because I'm at least an honest demon. But wait there's more! Act now and you get beatings, a third of them gone from the afterlife! Agree within the next ten minutes and you will have your wish fulfilled, no questions asked!"
"Honest?"
"I just answered all three questions truthfully and even gave you my business card. Look kid you have, like 20 seconds to accept, otherwise I'm out of here and reporting you."
"Reporting? For what?!" Dustin demanded, his cheeks flared in anger.
"For summoning a demon and denying him service. Because the summoner has refused the service offered before him, he or she will now be permanently banned for future wishes from both heaven and hell counterparts as underlined in section 10 paragraph 3 of the Code of the Living Justice," Eternal stated, handing him an open book with the paragraph in highlights.
"Well, you got me there. So, the wish right?"
"Yep, anything you want. Remember, you can have that one or change it however you desire. Go nuts, the sky's not the limit!" exclaimed Eternal.
"I wish...I wish for an exciting life, one where I'm appreciated for me being me, a world where no one knows me, but I know all of them. A world where I can live in happiness and harmony."
"Your wish is GRANTED!" Eternal shouted, his body glowing with green symbols. The symbols melted off of his body and burned themselves into Dustin, the Greek letters searing into his flesh before vanishing.
"That hurt! You didn't tell me it would hurt!"
"You didn't ask. Oh, and by the way, that whole justice thing was made up. Man, I'm good," Eternal chuckled.
"B-B-But there was a book, and highlights, and the whole speech."
"All made up on the spot. Pretty good huh? Look kid, you don't get to live this long without some tricks up your sleeve. Got me?"
"So how old are you?"
"Well that's rude to ask. No, I ain't telling you. Just wait."
"Wait for what?"
"Your wish to activate. It takes time, moron. It ain't a toaster strudel. I have to wait for the deal to go through y'know. The paper has to be routed up through my chain of command, it has to be copied and signed, yada-yada."
"Paper?"
"Your skin, dufus. The searing flesh is used as the paper and the letters replace the missing pieces, like a skin graft but instead with magic. Oh and you never specified which world by the way."
"You don't mean-"
"A world with torture, a world full of pain. I have a found a world that will torment your soul, your inner being crying for death."
Dustin's heart sank as he was so sure he had made the most concise wish possible.
"I am taking you into Ponyville, Ahahahahaha!!" Eternal laughed, lightning cracking sharply outside the window.
"OH YES! OH THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" Dustin shouted.
"Huh? Wait....Are you one of those?" Eternal replied, his fingers making air quotes on the last word.
"A human?" Dustin replied.
"You're not the sharpest tool in the shed are ya kid? A b-oh wait. A br- oh my, wait. A bro- aaaa no, no I got this. A brooooonnnny," he said, his face elongating the letters while his face scrunched in agony.
"Yeah, so?"
"So you like the ponies and like buy the stuff?"
"Yesss."
"And you like write stories of them and stuff?"
"Well yeah sometimes."
Eternal blinked a few times, his mouth occasionally opening before shutting close. "If you make a story of this I swear I will come back and just kill you. I don't care what happens to me, I'll just do it. I will have uhhhhh, who's the like big strong one on the farm there?"
"You asking me?"
"No, I'm asking your girlfriend who it is. OF COURSE I'M ASKING YOU!"
"Oh, well that would be Applejack."
"No, the red one."
"Big Mac?"
"I think so, anyways I will-"
"Babe? Are you not done with this twerp yet?" asked a woman standing behind Dustin.
She had two bright yellow horns jutting out of her long, slender purple hair. The dark purple haze outfit contorted to her body, revealing off all of her luscious assets. She was playing with a green collar around her neck while her tail sashayed back and forth behind her. She glanced at Dustin and smiled, her perfume filling his nostrils.
"Hey, I'm huuungry," she complained.
"I know, I'm almost done here. I will be there in like 2 minutes."
"But I'm hungry nooow," she whined.
"Look, I'm getting things settled. The paperwork is almost done, ok? Just be patient." She pouted and sucked her left cheek in, glaring down at Dustin.
"I'm just gonna feed off him ok? You won't mind right? It is my job after all," she firmly stated, her words toying with Eternal's head.
"Alma, I swear."
"Swear what? You're working right? And he's about to go away right? So why can't I have a little fun, hmmm? Hey, there, you seem kinda lonely. Want to feel the warmth of me for awhile?" she asked, her top teeth grinding along her bottom lip in anticipation.
"Paper's done! Finally! Bye kid! Time to go!" Eternal shouted, a hole opening up next to Dustin. Dustin glanced over at this new rip in space, his body being forcefully pushed into it. "Oh and since you pissed me off, now you arrive with no clothes and an erection! You never specified you didn't want one! Enjoy!" he shouted, the dark figure disappearing out of Dustin's sight.
Dustin traveled through this portal, different vibrant colors slowly passing his field of view. He saw the various degrees of the hexagonal plane, the different layers of the mighty moon worm all lied bare before him. He saw the realm of shadows dance before his eyes, the various darkness swirling around his fragile frame. And just as slow as time was passing, it slowly sped up. Feeling like he was stuck in the tunnel at the Wonka factory, Dustin started to panic...and not just screaming. He screeched like a howler monkey, his limbs flailing about in horror. It also didn't help that he was still rock hard while all of this was going on around him. What seemed like an eternity Dustin's vision was blinded by a white hot piercing light.
Dustin merely groaned, his groggy state fully enveloping his body. He still couldn't see very well with his vision still blurry, the images wavering back and forth. He felt something very soft in his hands, almost like a fleece pillow. He couldn't quite make out what he was holding, his tender palms making small circles around the area. It seemed really soft and he relished in the fact that hopefully it wasn't something trying to kill him. His hearing apparently was also affected by the transportation process as he heard small distorted words.
"Me?"
"W-What?"
"I said......me?!" the voice asked sternly.
"I'm sorry I can't see or hear very well. One more time?" asked Dustin, hoping he could hear her clearly.
"I SAID ARE YOU TRYING TO MOUNT ME?!" screamed the mare.
Dustin's vision regained its glory, a small lump of flesh in his hands. He saw a tail that stuck out sharply past his right thigh. He traced the end of the tail back to its base, where it seemed that-
"OH HOLY CRAP I'M SORRY!"
What Dustin failed to realize sooner is that he was holding a soft, supple flank in his hand. The small circles he was making turned out to be him rubbing the buttocks of the mare before him, now staring angrily at this bizarre creature. And to make matters worse, Dustin's lower head was still excited. All of this combined into one moment of time made Dustin now wish that he was dead. Oh this cannot be happening he thought to himself.
"Sis are you alright?" yelled the filly from the next room.
"I'm all right Sweetie Belle, it's under control," Rarity replied. "Now who in the hay are you? And what were you doing back there?" she demanded.
"U-U-Uh well, first, I'm deeply sorry about that," Dustin stuttered. "And secondly, I was transported here through a portal from another plane of existence. Why I was put in that situation I will never know. But, I'm deeply sorry again for my hands. I couldn't see and I was trying to figure out where I was."
"And the reason you were, ahem, ready?" she scoffed, limply waving her hoof at Dustin's nether region.
"Eternal cast a spell on me and made me like this."
"Who is this Eternal?"
"He's an interesting character, a demon."
"Oh? Demon?"
"Long story, anyways, you have a towel or something to wrap my self in?" Dustin asked bashfully.
Rarity thought about giving him a towel, but then an ingenious idea struck her mind. Here is this creature, naked, scared, and totally in her control. He doesn't have any clothes and what kind of proper lady tosses a poor creature out the door, even if it was repulsive and grotesque. So, why not give him clothes that look styling as well as comfortable? A sparkle emerged in her eyes, Dustin wincing in response. With her hoof in the air and muttering, "One quick sec," Rarity hurried herself into work mode. Dustin just stood in the room bare, his hands covering his manhood. Sweetie Belle walked into the room with her head tilted sideways and a sickening look on her face.
"Siiiiis, why is there a nude creature in the room?"
"He's from another dimension and needs our help. Don't touch him please!" Rarity singsonged, a sewing machine whirring in the background.
"Is he the one that tried to mount you?" she yelled back, Dustin's gaze wavering along the ground.
"SWEETIE BELLE! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?"
"From you ok? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!" Sweetie Belle shouted back.
"Oh, right. And no, he didn't," she replied.
"Did you want him to?" Sweetie Belle smirked.
"WHATUFHDGKHHFM," Rarity shouted angrily.
"Nothing, just I haven't seen you with a stallion in like foreeeeeever," she toyed, walking past Dustin and up the stairs.
"That little," Rarity snarled through her gritted teeth. "Here, put this on!" she demanded.
"Uhhhhh, ok," Dustin acknowledged, putting on the pair of boxers first. He donned a pair of tight blue pants, the seams perfectly stitched alongside the outside of the trousers. The v-neck design in the crotch allowed for comfort of the boys, while still maintaining the outline of a bulge. The shirt was plaid with white and red cross stitching along each row of the shirt. Rarity was pleased with the outcome, but it felt she was missing something.
"How could I forget? Shoes!" she shouted, her body jumping off of the ground. "Oh wait, but it's sooooooo boring to shop alone. Oh wait, I'll invite someone, hold on real quick. She really could use a new pair of shoes, let me tell you."
Rarity sprinted out of the room, a confused and now moderately dressed Dustin sitting down on the soft, scotch-guarded couch. While Dustin sat there, admiring his wardrobe, he pondered at what he would do next. This whole situation already sounds like a poorly written fanfiction Dustin thought to himself. It's like someone was extremely bored with their sad, pathetic lives and started to write about me. Dustin started to question his existence when Rarity came back into the room.
"Darling, my friend will be here in 3....2....1."
Loud, furious knocks came from the front door. Rarity opened the door and greeted her friend before a pink blur burst through the door and was staring at Dustin, her eyes fixated on this new creature.
"Ooooo, who's this?" Pinkie asked.
"That would be Dustin, he needs a new wardrobe. The only thing he needs now is shoes," replied Rarity as she strutted boastfully towards them.
"Um, you're kind of in my personal space," said Dustin, his eyes mere centimeters from Pinkie's.
"Woops, my bad," giggled the pink cotton candy pony.
"Where did you get the cotton candy pony?" asked a confused Dustin.
"Darling, it's not best to ask questions. It's just better to accept that you're alive and move on," replied Rarity, her eyes lowered in agitation.
"Well I guess it's better than her breaking the 4th wall," laughed Dustin.
"Oh you mean this?" asked Pinkie, punching a hole into space itself, a fragment falling onto the floor. Codes of 1's and 0's were running rampant in the background while Dustin's jaw fell wide open.
"Pinkie! How many times must I tell you to stop breaking things?" Rarity questioned, scorn in her voice.
"Pinkie, come help us! We need your help; Neo needs your help!" a voice shouted from the vortex.
"How many times must I repeat myself? That game is boring!" shouted Pinkie, quickly patching the hole with quick cement before tossing the spreader out the door. The hole now fully sealed slowly vanished from everyone's sight. Dustin just sat there, his brain exploding into perfect pint-sized pink particles.
I'ts Pinkie after all. As long as I'm with Rarity I should be fine. If I'm with her, I will surely die he thought.
Rarity's telephone rang, signaling her departure from the room. Pinkie merely rolled on the floor, giggling the entire time she did this strange act. Dustin quivered in fear, his mind racing and praying that he wouldn't have to be with this pony. He knew that Pinkie was funny and crazy, but holy hell he was not prepared for a first person encounter.
"Sorry dear, but it seems a rush order for a complete bride and bridesmaid's dresses are in order. Pinkie, can you bring him downtown and find him a nice pair of shoes? Oh and while you're at it, why not grab a pair for yourself?" asked Rarity, her voice sinking Dustin's heart into the pit of his stomach.
"Okie dokie lokie! Let's go Dustin!" yelled Pinkie, her hoof grabbing Dustin's hand and pulling him out of the house. In all sense of the word it really wasn't a pull as Dustin just floated through the air while Pinkie sprinted through town. I am really going to die. This is it. This is my end now thought Dustin as he just listlessly wavered above the ground.
Author's Note
Chapter 1 is now officially done! Chapter 2 under construction. Oh and I have a message from Eternal.
"I hope you enjoyed your stay in hell. Come back again, I'll be waiting. PS I'm stalking....Splorch!??!"
Uh-oh
Pinkie reached her destination, a shoe outlet called Shoe Strike! Their motto on the sign read, "Looking for shoes? Strike up your chances for success today!" Dustin just looked at the store and was amazed he was still living. Being dragged inside forcefully, Pinkie sprinted up and down the aisles, eyeballing various shoe styles and colors. When she returned, the boxes were above her head.
"All those for me?" asked Dustin.
"No, silly, these are all for me. Your box is next to your feet," she chuckled, the boxes falling sharply on the floor.
Dustin opened the box to see a pair of open toe sandals. The black band covered the top of his foot, leaving his toes dangling carefree in the open air. He was stunned at the fact that there were normal shoes for him to wear. He thought for sure there would be some kind of like malformity to the shape or size of the shoe. He glanced at the shoe size on the side of the box. It read: Foals Size 8. Dustin's eyes squeezed shut, his soul splintering into more tiny fragments inside of himself. Dustin could feel his life essence slowly fading away, his masculinity the size of a chick pea. Dustin swallowed his pride and just accepted his lucky chance of finding a pair of shoes that fit, even though they were children's shoes. Dustin kept the pair of sandals on his feet while Pinkie finished going through the pair of shoes. What seemed like hours passing, Dustin wavered in and out of consciousness, Pinkie politely nudging him.
"I didn't find anything good. Let's just go check yours and we can go have some fun ok?" asked Pinkie, her cheery smile bringing warmth into Dustin's ice cold, black heart.
Dustin nodded coyly like a five year old, his hand holding onto Pinkie's hoof as the two of them went to pay for the shoes. Pinkie paid 12 bits for the shoes, kindly thanking the elderly stallion as he gazed in wonder at the hideous, befoul creature that now wore a brand hew pair of sandals. As soon as the duo walked out of the store, he threw up his lunch into the wastebasket next to him.
"Well what now?" asked Dustin.
"Well, I have a question, Dustin. What are you?"
"Well, I'm a human. I come from a planet called Earth in another dimension. I am a sentient creature that loves to have a good laugh. My life on that planet was very dull to be honest."
"Hmmm, well, you don't seem like you would case harm. Ok, well, I'm Pinkie! Nice to meet you!" she smiled, extending her hoof out.
Don't say you know her, don't say you know her Dustin thought to himself. "Heh, I know that," said Dustin aloud. That's it I'm outta here! Dustin's brain said, a car driving away inside of his head.
"How do you know me? That's impossible.....unless...you are a psychic!" she shouted, striking a ninja pose.
"No, I just saw a glimpse of you in the dimensional rift, but I didn't know your name until you said it." Alright good save, idiot, I'm back in for the long haul, Dustin's brain said to himself.
"Oh, ok, I was wondering because I've been to other dimensions before. He looked like you...only more fit."
"Hey!"
"Wait wait wait, I wasn't done. He called himself a time lord? I think that's what he was. I don't know, but his wand was all like vshhhh, voooom, pshhhhh," replied Pinkie, making whooshing sounds. "Oh and it was on this like stick thingy."
"Is it a wand?"
"Yeah! That's it! And it glowed green! It was awesome! There were robots, and these little pod things called Daleks, ooh, there was-"
Dustin zoned out immediately, the pink pony's words falling on deaf ears. Dustin couldn't believe what he was hearing. She has gone into other dimensions. She met the Doctor.....the REAL DOCTOR! THE DOCTOR IS REAL! DALEKS ARE REAL! What else is real!??! he thought to himself before blurting out, "SWEET CELESTIA I AM SO PUMPED!"
Pinkie's eyes went as wide as dinner plates, her face slowly changing into a strawberry red. Her eyes drifted from his face down to his bulge. Legend says that it grew three times the normal size that day, an iconic image forever burned into the pony's mind. In all of Dustin's excitement, he didn't realize that he had awoken his sleeping friend downstairs.
"Ummm, Dustin?" her tone going higher with each syllable.
"Yes?" he shouted, still excited.
"Your ummmm, stallionhood has awoken from his slumber," she said embarrassingly, her tail forming an arrow and pointing at the bulge in his pants.
"AAAAHHH COME ON! Pinkie, I need your help!"
"B-But I've never done it before," she replied bashfully, drawing small circles in the dirt.
Dustin's eyes stared in disbelief, his eye twitching in frustration. "No, I need you to hit me, like physical humor! It'll help me from being so pumped up! Please, Pinkie, help me!" cried Dustin, his hands cupped together, begging for her help.
"Well Dustin, what's a hands favorite snack?"
"I don't know what?"
"A knuckle sandwich!" she shouted, throwing a hard right hook into his jaw.
An audible grunt emerged from his mouth, but he was still excited. "Yeah, that's it!"
"What can hurt you even if spoken?"
"Uhhh, words?"
"Correct!" shouted Pinkie, the literal word "Correct" being pulled out of thin air and breaking in half over Dustin's cranium.
"What do you say to cheer a donkey up?"
"What?"
"Buck up!" she yelled again, her hind legs landing sharply into Dustin's stomach, his entire body being lifted off the ground.
"Hehe, yeah, a little....more," he gasped.
It took a full 30 minutes, but Pinkie had finally calmed Dustin down. He lied motionless on the ground, his body covered in bruises, his clothes soiled and ripped. He lie there, battered and still, his sandals still in mint condition. Pinkie was sweating now, her brow furrowed at this new sensation called exercise. She panted to catch her breath, her mane frizzled and matted together with sweat. She exhaled the words "Are you okay?" in between breaths, but no response came. She meandered over to his mangled corpse, his face black and blue from the harsh punishment of one Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie. She shook him frantically, his head rattling back and forth. She stopped shaking him to see a long stream of drool escape the corner of his mouth.
"HE'S DEAD!" she shouted sadly. "I killed him," she sobbed, tears falling on his body.
"Pinkie, I'm not-"
"AAAAAAAHHH, what have I done? I'll be put up for murder. Oh no, Princess Celestia will banish me to the moon! Or worse, I'll be turned into a cylon! No, we can just bury him! Yessss, bury his corpse where no one will find it," she muttered, her hair falling to her sides in silky, smooth strands. Dustin knew all too well what had just occurred in front of him. The innocent Pinkie he knew was gone, replaced by the sinister Diane Pie. I best play dead. If she finds out I'm alive, she'll kill me for real! Dustin thought to himself.
"Now then, where to hide the body? It has to be nearby and some other pony to take the blame. Wait, i know a gullible, weak minded pony. Dear old Fluttershy will take the fall, but how? Hmm, wait, she takes care of animals, right? I can just say she was supposed to watch him real quick while I went out to get some ice cream for both of us. Yes, that'll work! But the bruises. Hmm, what to do? I know! I'll just say that I saw Discord beat him up for fun, Fluttershy tried to intervene, and knocked Dustin out of Discord's grasp, his skull hitting the pavement. It will be death by brain damage. If this was any other circumstance, I would dissect you and study all of your insides. I wonder what you look like on the inside," she moaned, her body quaking with excitement.
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die thought Dustin to himself, his eyes still shut tight out of fear.
Dustin felt his body being carried at a freakishly fast pace. He opened his eyes just a bit to see a very fierce Diane Pie sprinting through the outskirts of town. His body was as listless as a rag doll, his head rolling occasionally from side to side. He felt the movement stop and his body thrown to the ground like a bag of trash. He continued to hear fast hoofsteps and the occasional sound of hammers, drills, and other construction material. He was too scared to open his eyes to find out what she was building. He felt his body carefully being put inside something soft and warm. He felt his arms cross over each other, while an object was inserted into his hands. With one eye opening, he could make out a familiar shape. Widening his field of vision, he saw that a peace sign had been inserted into his hands.
"I'M NOT DEAD!" he shouted, jerking upright.
"AHHHHHH, ZOMBIE! TWILIGHT, HELP!" Diane shouted running away, her hair going back to a frizzle state.
"Well, I guess she's back to being Pinkie. Now then, ow, what now? I can't just walk back can I?" Dustin asked aloud. It took him a full three seconds for him to make a decision. "Yeah, I can just walk back."
While Dustin began to walk his way back to town, Pinkie saw the outline of Twilight's house in the distance. She began to feverishly bang on the door, its solid frame echoing loudly upon the horizon. A few seconds passed before Twilight opened the door in a bemused mentality.
"Pinkie. I just got this house. And now... you're destroying it. Please stop," she muttered, her words calm and disgruntled.
"BUTOHMYGOSH TWILIGHT! THERE WAS LIKE THIS ZOMBIE! WELL HE WASN'T A ZOMBIE, BUT HE TURNED INTO ONE!! IT TALKEDAND-
Pinkie's mouth had been replaced with a zipper, her speech garbled until the pink pony stopped speaking.
"Now, Pinkie, when I undo my spell, will you calmly explain what's going on? I've had a busy day signing meaningless papers, attending dreadful staff meetings, and I can't explain how boring it is to try and explain laws to less than intelligent griffons. Now, will you CALMLY explain what is going on?" asked Twilight, the zipper disappearing off of Pinkie's mouth.
"Well, you see, I went clothes shopping for Dustin. And then afterwards, I helped him with a certain problem. And then, he died from the treatment. And then he came alive in the coffin Twilight! He's a zombie! We need to dismember him!" she grinned, her hair falling to her sides once again.
"Pinkie, did you snort sugar again?"
"What, psssh no," she snorted.
"Pinkie. You have white stuff all over your nose."
"Oh, it's not sugar, I can tell ya that."
"Then what is it?"
"It's uhhh flour, yeah, specially made flour. The kind of flour you need to stop asking about if you know what's good for ya, you little BRIGHT RAY OF SUNSHINE!" shouted Pinkie, her hair going to a frizzle state again.
"Pinkie, it is too early in the week to deal with this right now."
"What day is it?"
"Tuesday, Pinkie. It's Tuesday."
"Oh, would Friday be a better day for the problem then?"
"Pinkie, I just love you so much I want to just strangle hug you."
"Awwww, that's so kind, Twilight."
Twilight stood there, her left eye twitching as steam bellowed out of her ears. While the two of them were spending quality time together, Dustin was attempting to make his way back to town. The problem was that Dustin had zero clue about where he was going. He tripped over various branches, the wet mud sticking to his clothes and face. Various twigs bitch smacked him along his path, his head swirling with pain. This process repeated many times until he lurched through the dense forest, his occasional moaning becoming louder over time. He finally cleared the dense forest and saw Lyra sitting on a bench, a newspaper in her hooves. Dustin approached her from behind and attempted to make contact with her but the only thing he could muster was, "Lyyyrraagghhghgh," his headache intensifying.
"ZOMBIE!!!!" she screamed, running through the town.
"Oh c'mon," Dustin whined.
Loud screams started to emerge from the center of town. Twilight and Pinkie heard them, their conversation ending quickly. The two of them nodded and headed to the center of town, unsure of what to expect. When they arrived, they spotted a hunched over creature, its arms lazily extending outwards. It crept forward on two legs, its moans haunting Pinkie to no end. She clucked like a chicken, Twilight rolling her eyes in response.
"Alright, enough of this nonsense. You there! Halt!" demanded Twilight.
The creature stopped in its tracks before lurching its way faster towards Twilight.
"Alright, I warned you!" shouted Twilight. Her horn glowed intensely with magic, her wings extending outward for combat. She molded the ground around the creature and made a cage, trapping him inside the earth. Grinning, Twilight meandered her way over to the specimen.
"Twilight, I didn't know you could do that!" yelled Pinkie.
"I'm an earth bender. There's many things you don't know about me, Pinkie. Maaaaany things I keep hidden from you all. Now then, creature, what business do you have here?"
The creature tried to form words but only raspy moans escaped its lips.
"Twilight, it's a zombie. It can't talk to you anymore. It's dead, kill it!" screamed Pinkie.
"No, there is one test." Twilight molded a piece of the earth and smacked the creature in the groin. Dustin held his crotch tightly, tears streaming down his cheeks. "See? Not a zombie," boasted Twilight. Her horn stopped being aglow with magic, the earth merely crumbling back to the ground.
Dustin moaned in agony as he questioned his choices in life. Twilight demanded who he was, what he wanted and why he was terrorizing innocent ponies in town. Dustin pointed to his throat, signaling that he needed water. Obeying his need, Twilight ordered Pinkie to fetch some water. Pinkie returned with a small barrel of water. Dustin drank heavily from it, his dry throat being quenched.
"My name is Dustin as Pinkie can explain. I am from another dimension, your highness. And as far as why I'm terrorizing innocent folk is due to the fact that I couldn't talk. See Pinkie was helping me with a certain condition, which explains the bruises and such. Well, that and I was making my way back through the forest and I fell....a lot....and was smacked by trees. It really hurt."
"Another dimension? That seems to be a problem recently. Anyways, why were you in the forest?" asked Twilight.
"Pinkie was tying toooo-"
Dustin's vision went behind Twilight to a now very angry Diane Pie. Her straight pink hair parting from her dilated pupils. She smiled widely, her head slowly turning in a clockwise motion.
"Help me find food. I wanted some fresh berries and she knew where to get them."
"Why didn't you just ask Berry Punch? She makes her juices from them after all," said Twilight.
"Well, yeah, but I didn't want to be a bother."
"Oh, and where is the spot she took you. Pinkie, you show me."
"Okie dokie lokie!" she smiled, bouncing ahead of the group.
Pinkie led the trio, her bouncing steps leaving small hoofsteps in the soil. Dodging trees and branches, Dustin began to ask Twilight questions.
"What did you mean when you said that people from different dimensions are a problem?" whispered Dustin.
"Well, you humans continue to find a way into our world. You know how hard it is to wipe everyone's memory of a strange creature entering our world is? You know how much magic and time is used? No, you don't. I wouldn't expect you to anyways, it's just a minor nuisance, that's all," she replied.
"Why do you have to wipe everyone's minds?"
"It happened after we met our third human. His name was Jake."
"And?" inquired Dustin.
"It was a horrible spectacle. I'm just glad you arrived here clothed. This human ran around trying to hug everything in sight, causing all of the ponies to run for their lives. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want a 300 pound lump of flesh chasing me around. But the worst part was the fact that he had this orange dust on his fingers and reeked of cheese. I wiped all of their minds to keep their sanity and well being in check. Ever since then, I wipe away all memories, both good and bad, for our citizens' sakes."
"Does that mean she won't remember me?"
"Yes, highly likely. But we first need to find your way home. If it's the same place as the other's it should be easy. I have a portal for this occasion."
"Really? How did you build it?"
"Building it was easy. Using human clinical trials was tricky."
"Ummmm-"
"I still wonder if the first ones ever made it back home with all of their structure fully intact. Oh well, look we're here!" pointed Twilight.
Dustin started to shake, his nerves getting the better of him. When all three cleared the brush, a wooden casket lay next to an open pile of dirt. Inside the casket were various peace signs.
"Pinkie, were you trying to bury him?"
"Noooooo-"
"Pinkiiiiie-"
"Well, I didn't know what to do. I mean I thought I killed him, so I decided to at the very least dig him a proper grave."
"But why the peace signs?" asked Twilight.
"Duh, Twilight, so he could-" Pinkie paused to reveal a pair of dark sunglasses.
"Pinkie, I swear! Don't you dare-"
"Rest in peace," Pinkie responded, donning the sunglasses. An audible YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA could be heard in the distance, followed by a theme song. Pinkie stood on her hind legs and crossed her forelegs in front of her chest.
Twilight facehooved hard, a slap sound reverberating from her face. "Dustin, follow me to the portal. Pray that it works," said Twilight as she walked back towards her house.
Oh this cannot get any worse Dustin thought to himself.
Author's Note
The end
Or is it? 
