Why does death got to be so… welcoming..? Why do I want to just take it’s hand and give up sometimes..? The colt thought to himself as he laid in the only place he felt true to himself, his bed. His room was the only place he felt he didn’t have to mask anything. He could finally be who he was and could think clearly to himself.
His gaze towards the ceiling, he thought about so much. He thought about school, his friends, his family and everything in between. Each time he did this, it would always come back to overwhelming questions that had been with him for years. Why was he alive? What did he have to fight for? Does anything matter? Does he himself matter?
“Dinner!” A call came from downstairs. The colt didn’t move, but listened as a couple other ponies went down to enjoy the meal. He could hear chatter going on below him where the kitchen was located. Everypony seemed to be having a pleasant conversation. He sighed as he rolled over to look out the window. He saw his father’s knife stuck in the wall, right beside his bed.
As he removed it, he rolled back onto his back. He examined it multiple times in the past in the same way. Made for survival… This could definitely cut skin. He thought as he put the blade up to one of his hooves. Just a little force and I’d be bleeding… He didn’t move, just holding the blade still.
A dark stain in the bed was right below his hoof and blade. Mixed with the colour of the bed, the blood from previous experiences made itself very well known. He saw the stain and pushed down on the blade a little, tempting it to break skin.
Not like anypony would know… Not like anypony would really care either… He thought as the blade shook a little as he tried to hold still. His eyes began to water as he made a cut across his hoof. His tears weren't from any physical pain, but his emotions. As he watched the first bit of new blood begin to climb out of the wound, he began thinking about what he was even fighting for.
The first thought was his little brother. Recently, the colt had fought with his mother about how she was parenting his little brother. It had built up over a while, but it got to the point where his brother needed his mom to really do anything. She turned it on him but eventually she told him that he was the only one who had control of his sibling.
Since then, every day he has been trying to make sure every little thing was going right for his brother. Helping with homework, having serious talks, dealing with anything that needed to be dealt with. But most importantly, he treated his brother as a somepony and his equal.
Recapping their whole life together, nothing made him think that his brother was treated fairly. He hated himself for not seeing it before, he planned to see that at least somepony would. That somepony had to be him, everypony else seemed to be incapable of treating his brother not like a child, but as somepony. Granted his brother was only thirteen, but that still didn't excuse everypony to treat him like a small baby.
Only three years younger than me, but he's still treated like a five year old. He’s already seen the most things everypony is hiding from him… I want him to see everything, not just the hidden but the whole picture… He thought as the blood slowly began to run down the side of his hoof. He moved on, thinking next about his school.
On the outside, he seemed cheerful, happy, and doing really well. An almost all A student too. It seemed like he was doing really well. But deep inside, he had failed himself and his goals. All A’s had been what he worked hard for since third grade. It was third grade, when he saw that school was the only thing that he could hope for being good for. His whole family always in trouble and doing things that he thought was stupid. He realized that maybe if he could become a high honor student that he could become something. Just to prove to everypony that he could.
However, each and every progress report or report card, he would die a little inside as he didn't make it again. He was always called smart by his few friends and family members, but he never believed it. He couldn't believe it if he wasn't capable of doing something as simple as getting an all A report card even once in his life.
“You’re so smart…” “Keep up the great work…” “Good job…” I’m not smart, I’m just somepony trying to be what he can’t… I’m not allowed to be smart… Not allowed to achieve my goals…” He watched as a stream of blood ran down, almost to the stain now. His eyes narrowed as he thought about the next subject; the house he lived in.
He lived with multiple ponies, half not being related to him. He lived with his mother, little brother, big sister, sister-in-law and niece connected to his family tree. Everypony else wasn't connected to him in any way but were family friends. He didn't know who he cared for and who he didn't. He was also confused on who cared about him.
His little brother was connected by the same blood father as him. His brother was the only one who had been there for him, would stick up for him and the only one who could love him unconditionally no matter how bad things seemed. Thinking back on it, the colt hated some of the things he had done that upset his brother. He hated himself for being the way he used to be. He didn't deserve any of that… A tear began to roll down the colt’s face.
His big sister had been there for most of his life. Being there for him, not so much. He didn't blame his sister, just she always had something to do. She also had her own friends, she didn't have much time for the colt. He thought that at least the past couple years, she was there. It hurt to feel that way, but it was what he saw as the truth behind the matter.
His sister-in-law had been in his life for about only a year or two now. She was weird in some cases, but one of the coolest ponies to come into his life. She had some interesting conversations to say the least, but he liked that. He could always use an interesting fact or funny story to hopefully get a laugh. It didn't always work though.
His niece sometimes was the only reason he felt good even once on some days. Playing with her, watching her, just taking care of her made him feel good. She always smiled when she saw him, he would always be able to calm her and she would sometimes run over to him and get him to pick her up. He felt like he had at least been doing something right for her to love him this much. However, she didn't know what the colt thought he was.
His mother was the one he didn't care for much. Things she had done to other family members behind their backs, to the family and overall everything seemed so wrong. He knew the truth behind his mother’s act. She had cheated his father, didn't seem to accept his sister, treated his little brother like the littlest baby and always talked badly about his sister-in-law. He hated it so much. He felt no love from her like he did all those years ago. It hurt him to think how it could have all been a big act the whole time. Thinking about it, he’d believe it after everything that has happened. She doesn't know how to love. She doesn't love me, she’s just using me… She’s always just been using me… And complaining about everypony while she drinks her life away… It’s always for one thing or another that she doesn't like and can’t accept… I hate her... The blood began to hit the bed as the colt began to feel tense just watching it. Nopony who knows what they’re doing loves me… That’s how it should be… They only need me for one thing before tossing me aside every time… That's fine…
He began to think of his father. His father had done some things wrong in the colt’s life. Fights in the past, getting serious and having to see and hear his older siblings stop anything physical between his parents. There was a time when he stepped out to stop it, when he was only about nine or ten himself. Nothing happened that night that caused a real fight, but he knew he’d have to be the one to do it since at that time nopony else was around to.
But after learning the truth behind why everything was the way it was, the colt’s hatred for alcohol grew the deeper than it had ever been. Alcohol mixed with several types of conflicting medicines… What the hell were they thinking? It’s no wonder he was like that… Especially after everything he went through… He thought about what his father had told him. His father had lived through far worse in his lifetime. I’m just so childish… Tears began to roll down his face freely.
He knew for a fact his father cared though. After everything began to change, things got clearer in what was happening for both him and his father. His father and mother got divorced, which was predicted years before it happened. But it still hurt, as the colt sat on the roof and watched his father leave. The only one he knew that loved him at the time had been forced to leave. Why did it have to be Dad who left? Why can’t I just live with him and everything else stay the same too..?
His Dad left for a while, but returned to a nearby area so the colt could see him again. But the catch was that he could only see his father once every two weeks. Every other weekend, he would go over to his father’s place. He would see his father and stepmother, and for that time, he felt like he had some family. The feeling was always short lived though, as he left just a day and half later. His father and stepmother loved him, he thought about why did they get to see him the least. It just isn't right... He thought as everything began to take over his mind at once.
What’s the point anymore..? He thought, staring at the cut. The blood was still dripping out of the wound. All am I is just a lie… My goals, dreams, thoughts… Everything about me is a lie…
He rolled the cut over so it would bleed directly into the bed. He took the knife with his other hoof and held it towards his chest. One thrust of this and I’d almost surely die… He thought about how his mother told him that she hated when somepony committed suicide.
"A permanent solution to a temporary problem..." Let her hate me all she wants… In fact, she’ll then be the first not to try and hide it anymore… Congrats to her… He pushed the blade up against his chest and thought about what his father said and did when he found out that the colt was ready to say goodbye.
His father was hurt, but it was the truth. He remembered hugging his father, tears in his eyes. It hurt to think about, but the scene continued to play out in his head. I’m sorry Dad… I don’t even know how I got this far… I should have been dead a couple years back now… I hope you won't hate me as well...
The colt felt like his body was being drained of all its remaining energy. He wondered how he survived to this point. Empty promises… The colt thought. Empty promises to me, from me, to others and from others… All of them were empty… Basically lies… The knife fell from his hoof, rolling off of his chest as he slowly crunched up into fetal position. And that’s what I am… Just a lie… My whole life has been… Everything I've done, felt and said have only been lies… He closed his eyes, accepting everything that he thought of himself.
What is my reason to continue past this point..? He thought to himself for a few moments. Nothing came up that the colt had already shot down. Nothing, there is no reason to continue… No reason, no feeling… I’m just a lifeless body already… Taking up space and air, with nothing in return…
He thought of what he wanted to do with his life. Deep down, he just wanted to be the reason that somepony could truly feel happy someday. He decided that many years ago. He saw how sad everypony was deep down, so he always tried to make them smile and feel good about themselves. All the while though, he ignored anything he felt about himself, good or bad. He hid his pain so nopony could see it. He wanted to end the pain for everypony around him, how could he if he was the cause of somepony’s worry?
Over the years, it all built up and it became harder to hold it back. So, instead of dealing with it all directly, he made promises to a few ponies that he’d never take his own life. He thought that these promises would hold him through just about anything, but right now all it would seem he wanted to do would be to let go of it all and just surrender.
Why did I think I could be any different..? I’m not special, important or anything like that… I thought I could make it through it all and be the somepony I've wanted to be… Why didn't I just listen..? All around the colt’s life, he had been told that it wouldn't matter what he did. He was bound to suffer himself as well as bring it onto other ponies around him. He didn't want to believe any of it. That is why he decided that making at least a single pony completely happy no matter the cost would be the thing he wanted to do with his life.
He worked hard to complete this later in life. It was the only true reason he had worked so hard in school or why he was willing to be there for anypony. He tried hard to be friendly with almost everypony. They seem to know the truth though… All my friends who just left one day… It was because they found out I was just a fake… A worthless nothing that they shouldn't have to deal with… He concluded.
I’ll never be the reason anypony is happy… Everypony suffers… Why did I think I could ever stop that..? I’m so stupid… He admitted before he started to tremble uncontrollably. He rolled up into the smallest ball he could, crying the whole time to just himself.
Empty Promises… Only lies… No reason… No feeling… Nopony here… And overall, no point in trying to find any of these… I just can’t… It’s too late, I've failed… It’s over, I’m done… He felt as if he was going to scream, but resisted the urge. Instead, he began to reach for the knife again.
He grabbed it and, with his hoof still shaking, held it in front of him. He opened his eyes and through the blur of tears, could see the silhouette of the blade as the last bit of light of day came through his window. After studying it hard for a moment, he lowered it to see just outside his window.
It’s almost winter again… He thought as he recalled it to be the worst time of the year for him. Depression grew, he almost died every year from it somehow. I guess… if I waited a bit longer… it would be better… He let the blade slip from his hoof and onto to floor. If I wait until about the middle of winter… It’ll be better for everypony… I can run off into the woods and die slowly and painfully like I deserve to from frostbite or something… and they won’t find my body until there isn't anything to clean up… No mess for anypony, no worry… And then I’ll be dead… So overall, it’s a win for everypony…
He thought the idea was the best option. He couldn't handle it anymore and now had a plan to end his life. All he had to do was to now wait for winter.
I’m sorry Dad… I’m sorry to everypony… I've lied for so long… He began to think. These few promises will be the last few I ever break… Then after, I don’t have to be there to hold everypony back…
He rolled over to look at the ceiling best that he could. His body was shaking still. After a few moments of thinking to himself, he smiled just a little. He reached his cut hoof upwards towards nothing specific.
“Oh sweet Death…” He spoke as if he was actually talking to somepony else. “Just a bit longer and then I’ll be by your side…” He covered his chest with both hooves, looking almost like he was praying. “I hope you’re as welcoming as I think you are…” He said as he closed his eyes for the night.
Death will help me… I know it will… He thought to himself as he began to drift into sleep.