Chapter 1: Where's my car?
And then, I was falling. Falling. Falling. Falling... Wait, I'm falling!
In my hand, I still had my AR. Figures... I instantly had a flash back of DDAY+7, of me parachuting behind enemy lines. I thought I was in it, for a while. I imagined the dying men around me, the shells, the parachute ripping, the Nazis who welcomed me to the ground... Yea that was a bad day. As I saw the ground getting closer, I looked around for my car. He was also hurtling towards the ground. I scrambled towards him. I popped his trunk.
"Common... There has to be some type of parachute!"
Then I remembered, most of the time, he always has a Plan B. We were shopping at a Military Gear warehouse when...
"Why did you get a parachute? Are you going jumping with your friend, the Red Bull car?"
"No, it's just another Plan B preparation. Recently, I had a vision of me being struck by lighting, and me going dead. Like in BTF part 2, and this time, I was high up. I don't want the crap to happen to me again, so it's just a precaution mate."
(http://youtu.be/raFNhdKE5cI) (I know its in Spanish, the only thing that matters is the first 35 seconds)
Turns out, he would need it. Even though he was knocked out, his emergency auto-detection systems were still operational.
*Beep!* "Rapid Altitude Height Decrement has been detected. Deploying Parachute":*FWOOOP!*
I grabbed ahold of him. He was on lockdown, so I couldn't get inside. It was smooth sailing until a hundred feet in the air. A blue streak came thundering towards us.
*FUUM BOOSH!*
And as it hit us, It made a sonic boom. It hit us hard, all 3 of us going in rapid directions. Blowing me off, and I was thrown far into a forest. I fell, snapping bones. Then bam, I hit ground floor on this insane elevator to hell. Thank God. And thank God I passed out too. Because was I in some pain when I woke up...
Waking up, I looked around, but wait, there were bandages on my face.
"What the hell? Where am I?"
No answer. I reached down to my chest, and startled clawing at it. (Will be explained later.) I need a knife. Also, I'm an idiot. Why would you let the enemy know your awake? It's more simple and fun to kill an enemy when they are surprised. I started to take off the bandages.
"Hey your awake!"
Said a female voice. If a female voice woke me up in an unknown area, then I must be at an Aperture facility.
"If I do all your stupid challenges, I better get my damn cake this time!"
"What are you talking about? You must hit your head a lil' too hard."
I wasn't thinking straight..
.
"Who is this?"
"All will be revealed to you, when you heal."
"Atleast let me take off my face bandages."
"My friend, if you do that, your in for a shock..."
"Look lady-" I said as I started to unravel the bandages.
"I have woken up in Prison, The Kremlin, the DMZ, the Fuehrer bunker, rook islands, vault 101, Kino Der Toten, Krispy Kreme, and even hell itself. I assure you, I won't be shoc-"
As the last bandage came of, I saw... Her... A pony.
She was a white unicorn, with electric blue hair, a musical note on her hide, and red shades. She has a hyper smile on.
"Hey how's it going?"
"Heh, I know this is all a figment of my imagination..."
Then she punched me.
"Can figments do that?"
I sighed, then looked down, with the last bit of sanity dripping away. Is this really happening?
"I have 5 questions."
"Ask away."
"Are you real?"
She punched me again.
"If you felt that, then yes, yes I am."
"Am I dreaming?"
She was about to slap me when I said that wasn't necessary.
"Am I dead?"
"Your heart rate seems normal."
"It's not a heart rate, it's a bomb."
"What?"
"Long story. Am I wearing oculus rift?"
She raised her hoof to punch me again when I said,
"Obviously not... Alright, final question, have you seen my car?"
"Is it the DeLorean engulfed in flames?"
"For the love of..."
I got up and went to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"I got to get my car, before he falls into the wrong hands!"
"So your afraid he's gonna get scratched up? He's just a car."
Thinking, I had to explain to her that he is more than just a car.
"That car is more than just a car."
Success! Victory! Slam dunk on the Easy Button, because I can explain things!
"Let me guess, he's a collectible."
Damn it.
"No, he is a time machine, that can destroy the past, present, and future. If he is misused, his Flux Capacitor can meltdown, tearing a hole in the space and time, destroying everything!"
"Woah, your more crazy than I am, even when I'm blazing!"
"Say an enemy of yours hates you. He can take him, to go in the past, and kill you as a baby. He's already fell into the wrong hands a couple of times, and he would kill me if it happened again."
(Sparing those who haven't seen BTF, here's an example. http://youtu.be/AUGLl1anR40)
"Do you even know where he is?"
"I'll follow the smoke trails."
"It's dangerous to go out into the Everfree at night! TimberWoves, Changelings, Sea Bears..."
I had already assumed that I was in the world of MLP. But right now, I had bigger things to worry about.
"Timber wolves, I'll kill them."
"They will just reform."
"I have incendiary bullets. They can't reform when they are small neat piles of ASH. I'll kill the changelings, and if there's a sea bear, I'll just draw a circle."
I saw my AR-15 on the table. It's amazing that I held on to that thing. But then again, they taught us in paratrooping school, to hang on to your weapon, because when and if you land, it's the only ally you got.
Vinyl came up to me.
"Listen, I know where your from. And I know who you are. I know you should also try not to be seen."
"Why? How will the locals react?"
"Well, with the strange shit that has been going on recently, it's likely that they will blame you, lynch you, and kill you..."
"They can't kill me! As long as I got this bomb, I can't be killed. I can self heal, and even set this C4 to explode and still live for 24 hours. But if I get a C4 in my chest before my 24 hours ends, I'll still be rockin' it."
"Yea ok, let's see if your little Call of Duty mentality will let you respawn after a magical decapitation..."
*Gulp.* "Alright, I'll go stealth. See you later."
"Wait, let me go with you. I know this town, and generally know my away around the Forest."
"The last time I took a guide with me to a wooded area, it was the jungle, and the guide worked for the enemy, and before you knew it, Vietcong jumped out of the trees and attacked my platoon."
"Look Kamikazee,"
"How do you know my name?"
"TF2 forums, V.S. is the Best. ."
"That was you?"
"Yup. I know where your car is, I will take you to him."
She gathered some supplies, and injected a liquid in her arm. She took some pills, and slid on a hoodie.
"Ms. Scratch?"
"Don't call me that. Call me Vinyl."
"Right, you said the forest is dangerous at night right? Well shouldn't you take like a gun or something to defend yourself?"
"Guns? We don't have many of those. I mean, the guards do. Not too long ago they were banned in Ponyville, until the "Right to Hoove Arms" act. But I don't have any bullet poppin' weapons. What do you think this is, Call of duty?"
"Just saying that if a hound starts to munch your ass, it's not my fault."
"Don't worry, I have weaponry...."
She trotted to a panel and skreamed "SKREAM ME SOME MORE!"
A wall opened. Inside were computers, weapons of some type and wub machines.
"What's all this now?"
"It's my musical mutilation armory!"
"Is that a-"
"Bass Cannon? Yes. It is. It's too heavy to drag along, so I'll just go with something lighter."
A Gun in a glass case caught my attention. Vinyl Scratch opened it, and lifted it up.
"A Dubstep Gun? Holy spit!"
"A working model, yes. It can be set to Party, Stun, Kill, and Obliterate. Currently, I'm working on a death rave setting."
"What is this? Saints row?"
"Nope it's my little pony."
Strapping on the contraption of wonderful chaos, she turned to me and said,
"Lets go find your friend."
PROLOGUE: (Wait wait wait! Did you read the long description? Ohh you did? Great! Continue!)
It was a sunny day. Then, bullets cam in my direction. Crouching, I yelled to my companion, Flashback, the Time Traveling Delorean.
"Cover my rear!" I yelled.
"I can't, I'm pinned down!" Replied Flashback.
"Well I guess it's every man for himself!"
I raised my Ak-47, and fired upon the enemy. Those who were stupid enough not to duck, got instantly shredded. Then, the worst possible thing happened.
*Click Click Click!* "Shit! I'm out!"
"Use your machete! I'm almost to you!"
I unsheathed my Machete, then charged. Taking a few bullets before I reached them, I started hacking. Flash came up to me and with his Spas-12, started blasting.
"We are gonna make it!"
Then, from afar, a person from an RPG took aim. Then I noticed him. It was too late when he fired. The whole thing happened in slow motion. I flew back, and hit the ground. Hard. Flash was trying to stand up, but he was down. He was already dead. Everything was going white. I was dead, he was dead, it was all over now. I worked so hard this life too...
I threw my controller down.
"Damn it! We were so FRICKING close! This is the last time I'm playing FarCry 3 co-op with you?"
Flashback only scoffed and said,
"Well it ain't my fault I was trying to save your ass! If I was still in my position, I could have revived you! But NOO.... You got overrun by a bunch'a berserkers!"
"Next time, I'm playing with Skips!"
I heard my phone rang from inside. We were at my pad, in Orlando FL USA. Just a simple 2 Story house. A real downgrade from my Penthouse up in Steelport that I share with the Saints, but you know, this little house reminds me of the 40's, when my wife and kids were alive.
"I'm too lazy to get that. Put it on speaker dude."
My 38 year old companion, FlashBack said, "I got it. The caller ID says... New Mexico Gravel Co."
"Bull! Who is it really from?"
"Hacking... Wow this technology really sucks. They have a block wall from like the 70's. Ok, ID says... Builders League United? Oh... These guys..."
"Sweet! Another job! Answer!"
"Hello Mr. Dolphin. This is your employer. Blutarch Mann. I am going to require your services again."
"What is it now? Kill more Mercenaries? Capture some control points? Steal some Intel?"
"No, it's not like that this time. The only way to beat my brother at this point, is to completely destroy Reliable Excavation Demolitions, facility!"
"And how are you going to do that?"
"You see, my engineers have developed a incendiary device, capable of destroying an entire RED facility!"
"So you want me to fly a B-17 over, and blow them up?"
"Not exactly. The bomb is the newest in cutting edge, bomb delivering technology. This bomb is to be delivered via cart." I got up, angry at the stupidity of these stupid gravel wars.
"A freaking bomb cart? Are you freaking kidding me? You want me to lead a team to push this thing through countless lines of defense? That is the most retarded, stupid, and straight up bul-"
"Double pay." He said. He knew me well...
"Where's this going down?"
"A facility code named, "Thunder Mountain", New Mex."
"I'll be there! Out!"
I was going in my house to get stuff, when Flashback said-
"Sir, look. I know your a Merc and all, but what's the honor in this? I get that you gotta make a living, but where's the honor in killing a bunch of stupid mercenaries? What happened to the glory days?"
I thought about it.
"There where no glory days. In war at least. I was drafted for some of them, I had no choice. Korea, Nam, and every other war I fought for the USA, Russia, and other contractors, they were either for pay, common good, or revenge. Yea, I enjoyed killing nazis back in WW2, but that was because I was ridding the world of filth. But more importantly, I had-"
"For the love of time, please save it!"
"I was actually going to talk about avenging my wife." Flashback looked away, embarrassed.
"My apologies. Preparing transport." I forgave him. Because I do rant about how the important WW2 was to me.
I went up to my room, and got supplies. Ak, AA, Ar, SASR(M82A3), LAW, and Skorpion. Anything else?
"Well I do need one of my specialty weapons."
I walked into my gun hall, filled with weapons I got from previous history changing battles. I passed by many weapons, my Mosin from Stalingrad. My Springfield from the Pacific Theatre. My Tommy from DDay. My M-16 from Nam' with my helmet. Printed on that helmet, was "Born to Exectute."
I opened another door, leaded to the "Special Ops" of the Cold War and Today. I decided, I haven't used my Commando in a while. It stood there with a collection of photos and docs behind it. I got this gun, when I helped the Seals to capture Dr. Mengele and his followers in Brazil. I thought of the amount of times someone said, "WTF?" On that day, the Soviets were carrying out the same operation, and sent the Spetsnaz. To nab him. It was a time for competition between the two countries, right? Funny day that was too.
"This is a CLASSIFIED United States operation! You can't be here!"
"HET! This is operation is now being completed by the USSR!"
I worked on both teams, so I had to stop the fire. After all, I had to stop the fire, cause' it's always been burning since the world was turning. (CUE MUSIC IN HEAD... NOW!) (And I am not breaking any rules with this reference, it's not the complete sentence!)
"How about we work to together?"
"No! That's a terrible idea!"
"Da!"
Then a Seal spoke up.
"How about we just call this a joint operation, so we can just kill nazis while shooting in the same direction? We aren't exactly working together."
Everybody liked that idea. Even though it means the same DAMN thing. Back to today, I grabbed a pack of Monster and headed out.
"Ready to fly!"
I popped a can, and said, "Lets rock!" As we I jumped in and we flew towards the sky.
Mid-flight, I was watching a particular show.
"Sir, why do you even watch that? It's for like, 4 year old girls!"
He asked me this question often.
"Flash, I don't know why I like this show. It's just like... I don't know, fulfilling? Pleasuring? Enjoyable? It just draws me in. I can't describe it, I just like it."
Pinkie Pie started bouncing all over the place on the screen. I grinned.
"That show will make you as crazy as that horse. And those fanfics you read? What is up with those? Sleepless was weird, and what's that other one? Cookie Cakes?"
"It's Cupcakes you dummy. But I'll just say this. Don't hate, what you Don't understand."
"Oh? And so this is your new policy? Well I'll just call up the Furries and tell them you changed your mind. Oh wait, YOU KILLED THEM."
"I didn't understand them yes, but those bastards had it coming to them. They did something sick to me, so I blew up their little convention. It was for revenge."
"Alright, so anyway, Kami- Do you think I could try out my new teleporter? I I still have some small bugs, but it should work."
"Last time we tried that cursed thing, we ended up in Even Horizon." "That was awesome! What a weird dimension..."
"Alright, start it up. And try not to blow us up."
We flew for about 40 more minutes.
"She's all charged up. We are already in New Mex, but we still have a ways to go."
*FWOOSH!*
I was looking out the window, when a bright flash zoomed by.
"What? Hey, did you see that?"
"See what?"
*FWOOOSH!*
"That thing!"
"I don't know!"
"Look. I've spent enough years in Ghan' to know that was a RPG."
"Well, my calculations say that we don't live in a country with a bunch of suicidal maniacs running around. Besides you and me of course."
*FWOOSH!*
*FWIP!*
*FWOOSH!*
"Where are we exactly?"
"I shut down all of my non essential secondary functions like the GPS in order to have enough power to charge the teleporter."
I got my phone out.
*Boo Boop*
"Siri! Where are we?"
*Boop!* "Earth."
"A little more specific?"
"Planet earth, a planet in the Solar System, 3rd away from the sun, in the Orion arm, in the Milk-"
"I mean on earth? Where are we on earth!"
"Somewhere on Earth."
"Bitch!"
I threw her out the window. I got my other phone.
"Ok, Google Now! Where are we?"
"The southern area of New Mexico."
I know this area...
"What is the nearest weapon range?"
"The White Sands Missile Range. (REAL PLACE) Hours are 11AM-7PM. Last hour, happy-hour half at 6 PM. Admission half price. "Bring your own RPG" days are on Thursdays."
Oh God no...
"What's the date and time."
"Thursday, 7pm."
Flash started laughing maniacally in relief.
"It's all good kami! They were just firing their last few rounds."
Then Google cut on.
"An error was made. I forgot to set my clock back for daylight savings time. It is 6PM."
I opened the window, to see a blinding flash of yellow from below.
"FUCK! Flash, use your targeting computer, to dodge these things!"
"That's also a secondary function!"
"You dodge these things manually, but get that tele working! I'll try to shot these things down! Give me my AR!"
"Arming!"
A tray came out with the AR-15. The TV was still playing MLP, even though it's a secondary function. He must have kept it on for me.
"Get that teleporter working!" I said, climbing on the roof.
"Teleporter goin' up!"
"Shut up!"
Blasting these things was not a easy task. We were moving fast, and these things were also moving fast.
"She's at 98% percent! Alright, Destination, BLU industries HQ! Enter!"
The bottom of flashback started to spin in a blue haze. Lighting rippled across the roof. We were going to make it. Then a missile, longer than an RPG, but more sharp, came towards us. It was a stinger. It was on us, like hunter prey.
"Teleport us now!"
But it was too late.
*BOOM!!!! *CRACKAKAKRACKACK!*
Smoke fumed from the insides. Sparks flew everywhere. Gasoline started spurting out, covering my arm in flames. Ouch. I got used to it though.
"Flash! Get us out!"
The TV was still on. But it was going haywire. Electricity surged from it, and shocked both of us. A larger multicolored portal had came from the tele. It made a sphere around us. A view of BLU industries was visible. But the Toshiba had other plans. It shot a bolt of objection, changing the portals colors.
"Kami..." -Groaned Flashback.
The pain must be unbearable for him. His voice was distorted. He sounded like GLaDOS.
"If this is our final trip, if this is our final mileage, I want you to know, that I love you bro."
"Same for me brother."
He put his Window Wiper, (Those are his hands) in my fist. I gripped it. Then we crossed. I didn't recognize it, but the MLP theme song played, in a crazy, mixed up way. The portal was mixed up of rainbows and sunshine. Glitter flowed around us. A barrier of clear stuff, glass, was in front. We shattered through that.
"What is this place?"
"You know? I don't even know... I'll think I will just sleep..."
And as a bright new hole opened up, we blasted right through it. Everything was so bright. So bright, I went unconscious.
