Baths are Supposed to be Relaxing
View Online

Chaos is Cherry Ice Cream and Bathtubs

Baths are Supposed to be Relaxing

Chapter One:
Baths are supposed to be Relaxing.

The warm embrace of the water slowly enveloped each aching inch of my body as I lowered myself gently into it. The usual nine to five at my greatly fulfilling job had done its toll as it did every day.

“Fucking old hag,” letting out a content sigh the words mixed in with the building steam. I turned and wiped a smear of fog off the sliding bathtub glass door. The tired face that reflected back sported a healthy looking black eye and matching dark grimace.

“Serves me right for trying to reason with the bat,” turning away as the steam covered the glass backup I rolled my eyes, the swollen one somewhat painfully. Sinking into the tub I let the water cover my ears and the thoughts of the day wash back over me in quite echo of the water.

“Hey newbie, get over here.”

I grumbled up from the new order of Darbie Dream Castles I was busy stocking for the fourth time today thanks to last group of unsupervised kids.

“Now,” Susan pointed a finger down at the ground as her foot tapped impatiently.

“Yes, boss.” God I hated her. Twenty-two year old manager who thought she was ruler of the fucking place just cause daddy owned the store; I rolled my eyes at her without thinking, mistake.

“What the hell was that?” Felt like she practically spit the words at me. Crossing her arms over her chest she leaned in closer to me. “I asked you a question, newbie.”

“I, uh, well…” Shit, come on don’t let her push you around this time. Susan leaned in further till our noses were almost touching.

“Well what,” her hot breath hit into my senses causing a small tingle to spark from somewhere as her eyelids fluttered suddenly. “Tell you what,” Susan’s frown melted into a smirk, “I was just coming over here to check on you, newbie.” She tossed her hair back and winked at me. “Since you’re cute I won’t report that little display just now.” I let out a strained sigh, the job was shit but I needed the money.

“However…” fucking wonderful, a however. “We seem to have a very upset older guest in aisle six,” that smirk went into overdrive on the last two words. “I was trying to decide who to send to assist her but you’ve just made the choice for me, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” my body slumped down slightly.

“Yes what, newbie,” she arched an eyebrow.

“Yes, boss.” Content, Susan turned and left me to my punishment. Aisle six, the home of this and last year’s most popular line of toys: Pretty Pink Princess Pals. Passing the other store customers, mostly parents and their kids, I made my way closer to the land of blistering pink. The closer I got the denser the customer base was with young women- the unexpected target audience and cash crop of Playtell Toys. There, surrounded by the empty shelves and rain-check notices was a rather pissed off ancient looking specimen. Her eyes drifted from the notices and blank spaces to the young women picking off what remained of the stock; I couldn’t tell which was setting her off more but I would soon find out. Between looking at the barren space the dolls would have been and the rather large breasted twenty something year old holding the last one gleefully- she saw me and my Toy World vest complete with the large “Can I help you” button. Fuck my life sometimes, honestly.

“You,” she pointed at me with venom, “where are all the dolls?” The twenty something blonde skipped by hugging her find nestled between those massive mounds. The old hag’s face grew even sourer with each following bounce her eye motion traced.”

“I’m afraid we are currently sold out, ma’am.” I tried my best to sound as calm and reassuring as possible. “We are expecting a new shipment next week and if you take one of the provided notices we will gladly offer up to twenty percent off on your future purchase.” Smooth, I should really be selling cars.

“Listen, Sonny,” she poked me in the stomach with her cane, “I need one of those dolls today for my great granddaughter’s birthday, not next week.” She slammed the rubber end of her cane back down to make her point.

“Ma’am, the store is currently sold out and I apologize but the shipment is next week and not sooner if I could-“A redhead walked by from the back lay-a-way clutching a pink Princess Cake Fancy doll. The old bag’s eye twitched.

“Then where in tarnation are all these young bimbos getting them,” she slammed her cane back down and glared at me...I swore I heard Susan laughing.

“Ma’am, these customers came in last week, presented a rain-check notice, and placed a hold on this week’s order.”

“So you’re saying that you do have some then,” dagger eyes right there.

“Those dolls are already paid for and I cannot-“

“Can’t or won’t,” I wiped the spittle of her words from my face.

“Ma’am, I’m very sorry but…” just then another blonde walked by and kissed her prize before bouncing away with a giggle. I never the saw the cane coming.

Breaking the surface with a gasp, I left the day behind me under the hot bath water. Smiling to myself broadly at the fact that before the old bat was escorted out of the store I had discarded a few open cans of play slime in her handbag.

Amusing creature you are.

My eyes snapped open wide as I looked hastily around the sparse apartment bathroom.

“Who the fuck is that,” I shouted into the empty space. My roommates weren’t due back till far later.

My dear boy, I am more of what than whom really.

“Mike, are you playing another fucking prank on me,” I yelled in anger, “I’ve had about enough shit today already!”

Vulgar little thing aren’t you? Well no matter, suppose that makes things even more enjoyable. The voice sounded like it was coming from everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

I shuddered, still desperately trying to find the source. An echoing snap burst from all around and my bath water instantly grew ice cold. I raised my hand up in shock as rich red dripped slowly from my fingertips and back down into the goo that replaced the water.

“Oh God, what the hell is happening? Is that blood?”

God, what a decidedly boring fellow; no, I’m something far more entertaining.

I fought hard to remove myself from the goo but the sticky shit held fast as glue against my growing anxiety.

Dear boy, relax, its cherry ice cream. The voice echoed in laughter around my ears. But I digress we have work to do and far little time to be done. The snap issued again, only louder, and I watched in horror as the bathtub drain shot up from under the red and grew into a gnashing maw- complete with teeth and waggling tongue.

“Holy shit, what the fuck is that thing,” I cried out in a rather feminine shrill. Trashing and fighting harder against the ice cream but to no avail. I watched as it began to “drink” it all; my feet growing closer with each gulp.

Into the breach one must go but never the same as a rabbit hole.

The drain mouth enclosed itself around my feet as a loud sucking noise resounded from it. I cried out into the room as I was quickly sucked down into the mouth.

The moon it speaks and pleads to me, that you, dear boy, are what we need.

Another tingle erupted from somewhere inside of me as the room burst out a deep bluish light on the dying fade of my screams.
The time has come the spell is done now hold on, dear boy, and ready for fun. Bah, enough of that. How that stripped swill slinger keeps that up, oh never mind.

The gnashing mouth inhaled on my head at last as the sticky pink rushed me down into darkness. I swore, before everything faded, I heard a cackling laughter followed by a satisfied burp.

Birds, the word slammed into the black emptiness of my mind as I shot up. My eyes opened into the blinding flash of light that greeted them and I was sure of it now. I was outside. A blue jay sang at me, almost as if giggling, from a nearby perch on a tree. The bird pointed a wing at me singing and then pointed away to my far right. I followed the motion out of dumb founded surprise and what I saw my mind refused to describe.

“Well, would ya go an look at that,” a rich southern voice sprang from the mouth of a small horse looking right at me. Her large eyes focused on mine and then traveled down to my crotch.

“How-dey Bit, look at the thing it’s got swinging there too.” She chuckled lightly and turned. My locked gaze followed and greeted another pony, I think; bearing a much more piercing gaze. Her muzzle turned up in a very expressive and worrisome grin as a small fire seemed to light in her eyes.

“Indeed Plum, I believe we have made quite the unexpected find.” She focused on the sticky red that still covered my body and appeared to notice it for the first time.

“Oh my, Plum,” she pointed her hoof at my still prone shocked body, “that appears to be blood is it hurt?”

The green haired pony, Plum –my mind reeled- trotted over and lowered her head to me. She gave a few experimental sniffs before a smile crossed her muzzle and her tongue suddenly darted out leisurely licking my face.

“Nope, that there is ice cream,” she paused as her muzzle worked a little, “cherry flavored too.” Plum proclaimed happily as she continued to lick from my face.

“Someponies and their sexual preferences I unfortunately can understand but to just leave him here; Celestia, I swear.” Bit shook her head and turned away from me trotting off to -holy shit- is that a fucking train? Yes, an extremely pink small train sat idle on the tracks and in front of it was a spread out cloth with a basket resting on it.

Two pony girls having a picnic and a train the size of a very large U-Move-it truck; where the hell was I?

I promised you fun and here I provide, my dear boy, why would lie? The dark sing-song voce sprang from inside my thoughts.

You, the thought raced in anger, my fear surprisingly gone.

I have a name….oh how rather rude, it appears I never told you. The voice chuckled lightly as if deeply amused. The name I was given is Discord, my boy.

My anger was broken suddenly as I realized Plum was done with my face and had moved down to my chest. I attempted to cry out but even though my lips moved with the words none came out only a loud moaning grunt.

“Liked that did ya sweetie,” Plum purred as her tongue grazed over a sticky portion on my nipple.

My voice, the thought flooded my mind. What the fuck happened to my voice?
“Plum,” Bit cried out from the train, “What have I told you about testing the future merchandise?”

A fun little side effect of the magic used, dear boy. Such eldritch spells often come at a price.

“Darnit, Bit hadda go an spoil,” Plum gave one last long lick and stopped with a huff.

“Plum, please come over here and assist me with the net.”

Net!? What the hell do they need a net for!?

Oh you truly are entertaining, my boy. Laughter filled my mind to the brim with echoing bellows. Here’s a free bit of advice for amusing me so.

I watched, stuck to the ground by the unrelenting pink goo, as the mares returned holding said large net in their hooves. I struggled in vain as it was tossed around me, the ice cream deciding to give way easily only at their tugs, and I was hauled away to the truck train.

Not all hunting wolves have fangs for just meat, my little sheep.

“Oh, will you just cease with all that already,” Bit stomped her hoof on the soft grass. She turned her head around to face my constant struggling form. Her gaze focused hard on mine as I couldn’t help but stare into those golden eyes; however, light flared out from above her and suddenly blackness retook me on the howling laughter that filled my mind once more.

Poke.

Poke. Alright already, God! I’m up. My mind echoed internal fuming as the new surroundings were met with bleary vision.

Oh fuck me, what the hell is that!?

The…thing that poked me awake smiled broadly as its overly long arm extended back into its neighboring cell; I was in a cell, fucking wonderful. I shook what little sense my brain decided it wanted to give out with a quick knock against the friendly steel bars in front of me. The now slightly blurry creature continued to regard me with the same large smile but as the focus returned back over it I noticed something in shock. This, thing, appeared to be almost human. The face was close but the lips where far too long and flat. The body hair that covered it would’ve given even the furriest of hillbillies a shameful blush and those hands. No, this creature was almost human but it was far, far from being human. My grade school trips to the zoo came back to me in a surge and reminded me that what I was looking at resembled a mountain gorilla –far smaller mind you- but not a complete human. Hell the damn thing looked like nature started to do something with it and then decided, “Fuck it. I’m done here, time to move on.” I nervously waved at the large beast and surprisingly it waved back with an overly happy looking grin. Oh goody, my first friend.

“Rise an shine there sweeties,” Plum’s voice echoed off the small walls with the approaching clanging of rapping metal on metal. She appeared out into the dim light of the room, passing sunlight from the holes in the damaged walls and roof highlighting random areas of her dark purple fur. I watched my new pony capture for the first time without the blinding anxiety or shock twisting my brain in oh so pleasant ways. She had her front legs resting on the handle of a metal cart as she pushed it slowly down the rows of barred cages. Plum would stop at one of the populated cages, grab a metal tray off the cart with her mouth, and with a flick of her head toss it perfectly between a small gap in the bars and to a waiting…monkey-human-thing; shit I got to give them a name or something I suppose since I seem to be friends with one. Her pace never slowed till she came up to the metal bars of my new playpen.

“Well, morning there handsome,” she giggled and ran her eyes up and down me quickly; spending a longer time hovering over my crotch. I blushed and attempted to cover myself by sitting cross-legged.

“Aw, ain’t that just the cutest thing,” smiling down at me she removed one tray from the top and flicked it down in front of me. The metal tray skidded to a halt, slopping some of its contents over the side and dribbling down to the hay covered floor. The food, I use that term as loosely as a five dollar whore, looked like fermented green oatmeal a moose puked up; smelled about that too. I turned to face my new friend who was busily inhaling his portion but he still stopped to wave excitedly at me and make a few primitive eating gestures. Yah, thanks but no thanks there my monkey man. I kicked the tray away with a mild grunt as it merrily skidded back to Plum and knocked against the bars with a ring.

“Not ta ya liking Ah take it,” she chuckled lightly and removed another tray from under a much smaller rack on the cart. “Well, Ah might’a thought that would be the case an brought ya something more fittin.” She spoke while holding the tray out with a hoof so I could see it behind the bars. How she was holding it, well hell if I knew or cared. What I did care about was that oh so familiar scent that came wafting up like a pleasant old friend, eggs. The tray held a plate that was piled high with scrambled eggs, a fucking donut of all things, and even a few pieces of buttered toast next to a glass of what strangely looked like orange juice. My stomach let out a ravenous gurgling roar at the sight.

“Oh, so ya’ll do want this then,” Plum teased waving the tray back and forth with my eyes following every gentle sway. I nodded slowly. She showed a moment of surprise before shaking her head and continuing to tease. “Well than ya’ll are going to have ta earn it, ya know.” Plum took the tray in one hoof and grabbed the key swinging idly around her neck with a quick movement of the other. She pushed the key into the lock and as it clicked over I found myself scooting back slightly in the tiny cell.

“Aw, ya’ll don’t need ta worry none sweetie.” She swung open the door and slowly set the tray down just right inside. “Ah promise Ah ain’t ever gonna hurt ya like some mean o’l handler might.” Plum slowly walked up to where I had scooted back against the wall and sat down with a peaceful sigh.

“Ya’ll really are quite the cutie,” a hoof came up gently and pressed against my cheek. The hoof was cool and warm all at the same time… somehow. I think I should’ve been scared but hell in this whole ordeal she was being strangely calming to my nerves instead. I couldn’t help it, I smiled. She lightly giggled again and moved her hoof to my hair to tussle it, “never seen one like ya’ll fore.”

I grunted, which seemed so far to be the extent of my vocal range.

“Ah know it’s odd but there is just something about ya,” her hoof began to slide slowly down from the top of my head and to my chest. “Ah think it’s those eyes, they just seem brighter; ya know?” Her smile slightly widened as she leaned in and gently kissed my lips. Fuller, softer, and so very warm, those lips didn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought they would. Plum pulled back and looked at my face hard for a moment before giggling and pointed a hoof at me.

“See, there it is again,” her hoof clopped against the wooden floor in excitement. “Ah think am gonna like you,” she stood up and turned around facing away from me. A strange salty but sweet scent filled the air in a gliding breeze with each flick of the green tail swishing in front of me. “Hurry now; fore ya food gets any colder or this darn heat burns me up.”

She couldn’t possibly mean, my mind spun and rolled under everything that had happened since this morning; before it was greeted with newest transgression to my rapidly dwindling sanity. She raised that twitching tail proudly up and high into the air. The scent, which was once a faint breeze, had now become a thick fog in my mind. Sweet didn’t do the term justice, no, this was something entirely different. My gaze focused on the softly dribbling source of that delicious aroma. I was staring right at those pulsing pink folds, surrounded by the beautiful deep purple skin that traced it, before I even realized I had moved closer. The fog covered all other thoughts as I watched another small droplet leak out and fall silently down to the stale hay below.

“What are ya doing back there,” Plum’s question sounded so distant to me. “Ah know ya’ll are a tall fella but work it out sweetie.” She wiggled that shapely purple ass and it felt like something popped then snapped inside my head. I pushed forward and buried my face into that alluring pink hole.

“Oh, what, what are ya’ll doing,” Plum squealed in surprise as my tongue pushed past both mine and then her tender lips. Her taste filled my senses as I continued to bury it as deeply as it could go into her sticky pussy. Fruit, my driven mind managed, oh shit she tastes like fruit. I felt her hind legs shudder while thick rivulets of her wonderful juice ran down my cheeks and dripped off my chin.

“Goddesses, ya’ll aren’t supposed, Ah never known,” Plum’s voice rattled on a sharp intake of gasping air. “One of ya ta do this!” Her hind legs shuddered and buckled but I caught them with my arms in a wrapping embrace. “Am gonna, oh, Ah can’t hold much more,” Plums head turned sliding on the hay covered floor to stare back at me. I watched her from beyond the shaking jiggle of her purple rump with each shudder that hit. Pulling my tongue roughly out of her twitching pussy, Plum squealed out another high pitch moan but before it even faded from her lips I clamped my mouth back down around her again; burying my sight into her beautifully soft mounds.

“Ah can’t, no, oh Goddesses,” her last words filled the air in a satisfied wail as her juice erupted out and coated my face in her sticky pleasure. She let out a weaker moan when I finally pulled my face gradually back from her weeping hole. Thick strands of her honey threading the connection back as far as they could before snapping back against us. Her eyes watched every movement in clouded wonder while I finished collecting every drop of her delicious nectar I could find with my fingers.

“What was that,” Plum gasped quickly as a post orgasm wave hit her. Tracing the last large dollop of her juice from her trembling folds I popped it into my mouth and smiled. Somewhere deep inside my mind a flicker of rational thought screamed something at me but the moment, the scent, and this mare were all that was truly filling my mind; and I was far from done. I knelt up on the soft hay and brought the strained, throbbing, and pre-cum leaking head of my cock to her heated entrance. Plum’s pleasure dulled eyes widened, “Bigger,” her words fell out from stunned lips. She brought her gaze to meet mine, “Ya’ll get even bigger?” I only grunted happily and smiled again. She watched with gasping moans while I coated what juices my tongue hadn’t lapped up from her slit.

“Hay now, Ah may be an Earth Pony but ya’ll still need ta give me a…” the rest of her words melted into a low moan as my dick penetrated deeply into her. The warm folds of her pulsing pussy wrapped so tightly around my throbbing dick that what little rational thought remained in me burned up in her fiery heat.

“Buck,” Plum yelled out biting down on one of her hooves. Her eye’s continuing to watch with glazed attention as I pulled back on her whimpering moans till only my tip remained caressed by those glistening honeyed lips. With a devilish smile I brought down my free hands and pushed her silky purple cheeks as close as they could get.

“Oh, Celestia,” She let out a throaty scream while her head shot up towards the ceiling.
A tattoo of some kind of fruit, how did I missed that a fried neuron managed to ask another, rode on the jiggling wave of each tender cheek every time I slammed back into her. Plums eyes shut while another moan escaped past her clamped teeth.

“Ah never felt like this,” Plum wailed. “Ya’ll ain’t,” she turned her head, covered in matted hair from the sweat, back towards me. “Ya’ll ain’t like them,” Plum pointed a shaking hoof at my new friend. He, for his part, was bouncing in place while making a happy hooting grunt. His hands clasped palms together and slapping into each other with each bounce. I smiled at the hooting fellow and turned my attention back towards the purple pony smacking against my cock. Her juices were spilling from around my penetrating member with abandon as her slick wall spasms became stronger and tighter. Plum’s eyes unfocused and shifted to a distant place. The shuddering build up from within each vise grip hold cascading wave after wave as her dripping pussy clamped down around me. The beautiful pony mare let out one last long echoing moan before slumping down to the floor completely. The delightful pop of my dick pulling out around her soaking hole sent another shock of pleasure to my brain. The fog erupted out in a burst of mental clarity and I finally saw what had just transpired; I had just fucked a pony, my friend hooted approval at me with a wave, and it was in front of company.
Plum sluggishly turned onto one side and focused those hauntingly attractive emerald eyes to me. A smile inched across her muzzle while she used what strength she had to pull herself over and rest her head onto my chest with a long loving nuzzle. She sighed and brought a still shaking hoof up to my cheek to give it a tender caress.

“Ah normally don’t go this fast, even with the blasted heat, but how we found ya and…well, just how ya are Ah suppose.” She snuggled up and gave my stomach another nuzzle. “Ah suppose Ah don’t regret it one single bits worth either.” Plum suddenly giggled to herself, “Even if that prude done thinks otherwise of me but playing around lil never hurt nopony,” she finished with a small satisfied nod.

I didn’t care. Plum was unbearably cute, pony girl or not, most women I knew wouldn’t compare. Her head tilted up while her tongue lazily nudged out between her grinning lips and gave my cheek a slow lick.

“Ah can feel that there thing still poking in ta mah back, ya know,” she let out a lusty giggle. I watched in awe as her strength recharged enough for her pull herself up and push each of my legs apart with a hoof. Plum looked down at my still erect cock before lowering her head. Her hot breath washed over my throbbing dick and each exhale she playful did caused it to twitch slightly.

“Aw ya poor thing, Ah done got ya so dirty.” Plum glided a cool hoof up my shaft and collected some of the copious amount of mare juice she had left. A smirk crossing her lips as a small droplet formed and dripped down from her upheld hoof in front of me.

“Well now,” she moved the hoof near her mouth and sucked the remaining fluid off with a soft smack. “Ah don’t think it would be right of me ta leave ya in such a predicament,” her eyes sparkled with a gentle hoof poke to the penis aching beneath her touch, “do ya?” I shook my head in awe of the sultry mare. Plum paused in thought before another soft grin return over her; lowering her head the last few inches down till that pretty face was eye level with the prize she was after. Slowly her mouth opened up, those shimmering eyes locked to mine, and her tongue inched out and hovered just above my throbbing head. I managed a small whining grunt before she suddenly engulfed the entire member down to the base. My body let out a sharp spasm on the sudden contact with another intense spark emanating from somewhere; then she did something no human woman could ever dream of. Plum wrapped her tongue completely around the entire shaft nestled warmly in her wet mouth. I felt her giggle against my tingling flesh as the next grunting moan that escaped me was loud enough to silence the other cages. Plum slowly brought her head up till only the tip remind buried in her wet mouth but all the while her tongue kept its loving hold of my burning member. Then, without any hesitation, she began pumping her mouth quickly against my throbbing dick. The fog rushed back so quickly that my vision even blurred out completely; the only thing I knew was the ecstasy of her mouth and the wet smacking sounds emitting with each of her powerful thrusts. My hands instinctively came down and gripped her bouncing mane in an effort to hold onto something but the tugging only seemed to spurn her on further. Plums tongue managed to slide slowly up and down my entire shaft with each quick push of her head and never faster than its constant gentle pace. The combination was far too much for my already stressed sex and from within the thick fog that clouded my mind a powerful bolt of electricity formed and erupted outwards; but it wasn’t just confined to the strange fog in my mind, on the throbbing throes of my orgasm it left me and sought out the nearest target…Plum. Seed escaped from my throbbing dick in large gooey gobs as her throat worked furiously to take it all but as the last drips of semen began dribbling down her muzzle; the bolt hit her. Plum’s eyes shot wide as her head pulled back on a high pitched wailing scream but not of pain. My excess semen spurted from her open mouth and fell down against her matted fur as a large puddle of juice formed under her trembling hind legs. Spasms rocked her smaller body as she involuntarily leaned forward, my arms instinctively circled around her, and collapsed. The growing puddle finally stopped when the last vestiges of trembling spasm ceased from her exhausted body. Plum weakly raised her head up and focused her tried but shimmering eyes to mine.

“Uh, what,” a shudder shook her, “What’in the name of Equestria was that?” The fog had vanished without a trace and I was once again fully myself…I think, hell I wasn’t sure of anything anymore except one. I gently planted a soft kiss on the tip of her muzzle and offered a wide smile to the mare currently embraced against my chest. Her breathing regained its slower more even pace and the soft tickle of her fur came with each gentle movement from her as I held her tighter.

“Not one of ‘em,” she gestured out a shaking hoof at the neighboring cages,” stands a lick a chance of doing whatever the buck that was.” Her eyes peered in wonder back at me as I only stroked her mane while holding on tight with the other arm.

“What are ya some sort’a stallion sex beast,” she giggled softly as her hooves came over my embracing arms and held against them tightly. I smiled and did the only thing I could grunt happily and nod, what the –what’s it she says- buck. I’m either in some strange drug induced dream from another loaded brownie prank from Mike. I’ve gone completely bat shit crazy and are currently locked away with a friendly hug-me jacket on. Or I drown in the tub and my reward for being such a nice guy was being this pony’s sex toy in some weird ass S&M themed heaven.

Plum surprisingly found a hidden pool of strength somewhere and slowly raised herself from our embrace.

“Well, sweetie, Ah got chores that still need doing an Celestia help me should Bit know ah done dodged em ta stay with ya.” She leaned her head down and placed a long lingering kiss against my closed lips. “Not that ah don’t wanna mind ya.” Plum offered another wide smile before scooting the still somehow warm plate of breakfast back at me with a hoof; thankfully it had been spared from the current mess coating most of my new cage home.

“I’d say ya more than earned that,” she paused with a glimmer in her eyes,” Stallion.”

“Plum, have you finished the paperwork on our new acquisition?” Tapping an inpatient hoof won’t make her open the ruddy door any faster Bit. Letting out a small defeated huff, I gently knocked against the old wood with tap of magic.

“Plum, honestly, are you in there still?” Knocking it won’t do any bloody good either and you know it. “Alright, am coming in then.” Grasping the nob with my magic I slowly opened the door to find…Plum asleep at her desk again. “Oh, you’ve even gone so far as to drool on the documents haven’t you?” Rushing into the small sleeper I desperately try to save the papers before the drool threatened to add a permanent watermark. Grasping them with as much careful haste as my magic could muster, I managed to free them from her slumber without so much as a twitch from her. I’d pride myself on my magical skill but anypony that knew Plumy knew that she slept like a hibernating dragon. Glancing over each of the slightly dampened pages I was relieved to see the majority of it was still mostly legible; well, at least the parts that mattered that is. The overly extravagant gold leafing, courtesy of the royal offices, could do with a few smudges. However, it wasn’t the pages but what was written on them that got my attention the most.

“Plumy,” I looked back to my slumbering partner in wonder. “You can’t honestly be serious with this.” Plum simply snored out a happy muffled dream response at my question while I returned my gaze back to registration document in disbelief.

Designation: Handler Third Class Plum Orchard

Site of Procurement: Fox Glen Meadows ten flights south of Manehatten

Process of Procurement: Wild Capture

Method of Payment (Fill in only if Applicable): Large net

Subject Designation: Stallion

*For Subsequent Future Pricing Please Follow Next Section Truthfully Under Penalty Of Royal Trial

Subject Demeanor: Extremely peaceful and helpful

Subject Train-ability: Seems to follow common tongue

Subject Measurements: About two ponies tall, seven hooves wide at shoulder, and cock dick male sex is

about one and one halves horns length normal but three when horny

Subject Estimated Value: There ain’t enough bits in all of Equestria

“This simply cannot be,” I magicked the papers over to the filing cabinet but placed them on top instead of in the proper folder. Bringing a hoof up to my forehead in thought, I failed to realize the absence of Plums soft snores.

“What ya babbling on about now, Bit?”

“Plumy, you’re awake.” I squeak out in surprise.

“Well yah, darling, it’s hard ta sleep with ya pacing around an muttering so,” She turned and popped her neck with content sigh while I cringed at the sound. “Still, damn glad ya woke me.” Letting out a large yawn she stretched her fore hooves towards the ceiling. “O’l desk here can give mah neck such a crick.”

“Never mind that, Plum,” I huff out and snatch the papers back with magic; bringing them in front of her muzzle. “What is the meaning of this!?”

“What, Ah tried extra hard an all to make sure it was,” she placed a mocking hoof to her chin, “Done proper an spelled correctly.”

“Not your messy hoof writing and atrocious spelling.”

“Hay now ya’ll try writing with a darn quill stuffed in ya mouth for once.”

“NO, PLUM,” I slammed my hoof down on her desk, “What you wrote can get us in a lot of trouble; don’t you understand?”

“What cha mean, darling,” She only yawned again and waved a hoof at me as she got up and headed for the bed. “Everything Ah done wrote down is the solid truth an that’s all them stiff wigs care bout.” Flopping down hard onto the bed she managed to knock the blanket up into the air and cover her body as it fell back down. “Ain’t it?”

“Well, yes but,” I stumbled the words out for once, “Plum this can’t possibly be true!”

She yawned again and turned herself to face me, “Well if’in ya’ll havin that much trouble with just what little Ah did write down,” she gave me that damn playful –I know something you don’t for once Bit- smile. “Ah think the best is saved for after Ah wake up.”

“It’s only three.”

“Ya’ll get serviced like a fillyfooler, plowed like a farm field, an then on top a that get some kinda magical cum zap an see how fight’in ready ya’ll are.”

“Aside from me reminding you of not testing our future merchandise,” I lock my eyes to her, “You must be joking, right?”

“Swear on mah great-great grandmares secret pie recipe an that’s not all,” Plum raised herself up on a hoof and looked more serious than I’ve ever seen her. “Ah, Ah think Ah like em.”

“What!? It’s not a “him” it’s a sub-pony creature that we trade and sell for these heat-cursed horny rich mares to buck into next week.”

“Ah know what Stallion is suppose ta be but Ah can feel what he really is,” Plums features softened even despite my shocked outrage at her.

“Plum you can’t be serious.”

“Ah can an Ah am,” she shifted and looked dead into me. “He done treated better than any damn stallion did fore they all up an vanished.” That smile on her muzzle even I saw what that was. “He knows what Ah saying Bit and Ah swear by Celestia’s sun he’s at least as smart as me.” Plum rolled back facing the cracking wall of our combined life savings, “If’n ya’ll still don’t believe me, Sweet, go ‘n see for your own self.”

“Plumy, I-am sorry and I will because I do trust you as much as I love you.”

“Ah love ya too ya big softie now go but am warning ya,” a soft chuckled emanated from the bed. “Stallion done wore me out.”

A refined Chanterlot noble, however very minor, I may be but at those words from that Earth pony…I gulped down a bit of hesitation before shutting the door behind. Out of trained monotony and the distraction playing in my mind, I failed to notice the gentle glow of my horn as it magicked the papers forward to the processing station before I left.