Knighty Wars Episode I: Rise Of The Banhammer

by AuTiSm

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Human
Length: 1434

With Knighty's powerful grip on the website growing only stronger by the minute, a group of shitposters and heroes set out to reunite the website. On the starship Tabernacle, hope lives again.

With Knighty's powerful grip on the website growing only stronger by the minute, a group of shitposters and heroes set out to reunite the website. On the starship CastleRock, hope lives again…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-14 10:01:27 UTC

Chapter 1: The Meta Fic Where People Sing Copyright Songs And Break Every Rule Knighty Has Placed

From his dark throne room, the cloaked figure of death sat and watched some Fluttershy porn. For that is what pleased the Knighty, saviour and god of fimfiction. After finishing with the porn, he went back to overseeing the mining process being run by the slaves of the HiE group. The sight of workers being whipped and shoved gave Knighty a thick boner. But he knew celebration shouldn't happen so soon, for there was a group out there who's shitposters evaded his capture for too long.

Knighty pondered how he could bring swift death to them in the most painful ways possible. After all, they were the worst kind of autistic sperglord faggot retards who needed to kill themselves. What a douche.

______

The sound of standard issue Knighty-machine guns was Alicornium's que to duck to cover, the bullets whizzing by his head. "Fuck me..." He muttered.

"Which position?" Responded ClemenShone.

"HALT, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. YOU SHALL SURRENDER YOURSELVES TO KNIGHTY." Shouted one of the seven royal Knighty enforcers.

"COME GET SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!" Yelled Some Random Charizard, moments before he unleashed double uzis and filled Knighty's enforcers with lead.

Emerging from cover, Alicornium had a look of relief on his face. "About time. What took you so long?" He said.

"I had to tie up some loose ends with Meester." He replied, holstering his double uzis. "Now, how do we get off this rock?" He said, looking at Alicornium questioningly.

"I hear the Knighty armada is constructing a massive war ship, their setting it off for the first time tonight. If we can come up with a plan, we can ride it like I did to that 5 dollar asian hooker that one time..." Alicornium, the leader of the small group said while deep in memories. He could see the shipyards in the distance, where massive battleships were built in Knighty's honor using only the finest of slave labor.

______

There she was, the K.R.S (Knighty Royal Service) CASTLEROCK. It was in it's full beauty, a massive painting of knighty with the words "YOU WILL OBEY" painted under it was on the starboard side of the sexy vessel.

Some Random Charizard was hiding behind one of the crates inside of the ship's cargo hold. It was fifteen minutes to take off for the K.R.S CASTLEROCK and Alicornium, Some Random Charizard, ClemenShone and the Elusive Aviator (a double agent in Knighty's ranks) emerged from hiding as they approached two gaurds standing with their backs turned to them, seemingly oblivious of the intruders behind them.

"Yeah, it's a pretty sweet job we've got." Said one of the gaurds.

"Yep, stand near crates all day. I can see the importance in that." Replied the other. Suddenly, for daring to mock sith lord Knighty's orders, an invisible ban hammer sqaushed them into pieces, causing each piece to literally explode, as the rebels dove for cover.

Some Random Charizard inspected the blood and organs splattered across the floor. He saw that one of the guards decapitated heads was on the floor. He picked it up and smiled at it, "Looks like I came out... Ahead."

"...Seriously?" Responded Clemen.

"Get a room you two." Alicornium mocked. "Looks like these guys had their armors destroyed. So much for disguises. I guess we're gonna have to brutally murder everyone on board."

______

After the rebels finished with all rooms except for the bridge, the R.K.S CASTLEROCK was filled with the blood, organs, entrails, semen and other bodily fluids of the slaughtered crew. They were now ready to charge in the control room. When Some Random Charizard burst the door open, causing widespread panic in the room, he let out his best battle cry: "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!" and single handedly murdered the entire crew, even the captain.

Alicornium wasn't to pleased with this. "You do realize we needed the captain alive, right? He's the only one who knows how to fly this thing."

"Oh..." The sudden realization hit Some Random Charizard like a black guy tapping an ass.

"Perhaps I can help, herr Charizard." Replied a strange voice that sounded like a squeaky nazi. But when the crew focused on the source of the voice, they were greeted with the sight of a holographic projection of the ships ai, a nazi kitten with a monocle. "I can turn of zee manual controls. Under one condition..."

"We're listening." Replied Alicornium.

"PAINT ZIS SHIP ZEE COLORS OF ZE FATHER LAND!!!" The kitten responded, his paw outstretched in the imitation of a nazi salute.

Alicornium sighed. "Fine." Almost immediatly after he agreed, the autopilot engaged and the ship escaped the clutches of planet Meester. They were safe, for now...

______

In the briefing room of the ship, Alicornium stood infront of his crew, and the kitten hologram, and began to address them.

"For too long have we hid in fear of the onmi-present banhammer. Today is the first step in dismantling the Knighty empire. Shitposting will reign supreme!"

"HEIL HITLER!!!" Yelled CastleRock.

"I like turtles." Said ClemenShone.

"My first plan is to make contact with planet Shitpost. They should be eager to join our alliance." His speech was interrupted by the warning sirens.

"I am detecting enemy ships!" Said CastleRock.

The crew hurried to the control room, when a transmission came onboard. There, on the screen was the most feared man in the interwebs, Dark Lord Knighty himself was on the enemy ship.

And boy was he pissed...

Chapter 2: Once In A Blue Moon

Knighty had completed sexing his slaves when an urgent call came from LT. Anal Pen. Knighty, dressed in his black cloak and pantaloons arrived on the bridge to be greeted by the sight of the K.R.S CastleRock surrounded by Kniggerly Jackson's other attack ships. A grin traced his British face as he decided to pull up a comms link between the two ships.

~~~~~~~~

"Le fuk." Muttered Alicornium. His sexy Alicornium face was twisted into that of a diseased Mrs. Doubtfire cosplayer.

"Fuck me harder m8" muttered Castle.

"Suck a dick autistic sperglord faggot retards." Replied Knighty through the radio. He had an unmistakeable voice of someone who just drank fifty liters of tea and ate a few hundred crumpets. This was to be expected considering how British he was. "You're cornered. Now bend over and let me fuck you."

"Plz do." Replied Castle, a hint of sexual anticipation in his voice.

"I still have one trick up my sleeve..." Said Alicornium, ignoring Castle's previous statement. He reached over and tapped buttons furiously, almost as furiously as he'd fap.

The ship instantly attacked Knighty's ships with a wave of copyright lyrics, causing Knighty to scream like a little girl. "OY VEY, BAN IT!" He said, suddenly turning into an offensive Jewish stereotype. The ships went berserk, the main weapons systems began to unload on the K.R.S CastleRock, the exact opposite of Alicornium's gay ass plan.

The ship was engulfed in flames and began to tumble through space leaving the Knighty attack ships to accidentally shoot each other, destroying a few of them.

~~~~~~~~

Steven Spielberg loaded a disc titled 'Huge Tits And Explosions' into his DVD player, preparing for the best fap of his life. He unzipped his dick and was about to stroke it when a call came in from his Butt Buddy Kurt Cobain. He sighed, zipped his dick back up and reached for the phone.

"It's time." Was all Kurt said and was all he needed to say. Steven understood the message and a tear rolled down his cheek from unpleasant war memories.

Le Flashback Italics

Steven climbed through the dirt covered trench and surveyed his surroundings. It was truly the end. Bodies of his fellow soldiers littered the ground and the last members of his squad had already retreated, except for his friends. Pvt George Lucas, LT. Jodie Foster, Cpl. Stiggerzz, Pvt Kurt Cobain and former U.S. secretary of labor Robert Reich.

George Lucas broke out into tears, Jodie Foster and Stiggz started to fuck and Kurt and Steven stood, surveying the battlefield which was so big it could fit an entire Austrian weightlifting team and a fifty million audience.

There, standing over the bodies of the dead was none other than Dark Oger Lord Knighty. "Who dares challenge me next?" He said, his voice making Steven have a lump in his undies.

---------—-------

"No..." Said Steven, staring at his ceiling. The unsettling war flashbacks cumming to an end.

"We must stop it."