To Find a Rainbow

To say I panicked after that was like saying the sun is a little warm.

The second what I’d said registered in my head, it felt like a rock dropped into my stomach. I bolted upright, at least as much as I could do with my arm trapped under both of their heads, and looked them both over as my thoughts ran wild.

Why did I say that? I don’t have feelings for either of them. Rainbow is my best friend. My bro! …who I occasionally sleep with, sure, but that doesn’t mean I love her! And I can’t love Scoots. I mean, it’s Scoots for fuck’s sake! Rainbow would kill me for even thinking about it!

I just… love them as dear friends, right?

Scoots chose that exact moment to give a whimper. She scrunched her eyes up and gave a little kick of her hindlegs, like she was having a nightmare and trying to run away. It happened again, and this time Rainbow let out a groan and wrapped her forelegs tighter around her. Scoots instantly calmed back down as Rainbow settled around her. I found myself smiling at the sight. My hand was halfway to brushing the mane from Rainbow’s face when I stopped.

Oh god, I’m in trouble.

I needed to get out. I had to go do… something, anything to clear my head. As gently as I could, I slid my arm out from underneath them, shaking it to subside the numbness and got up. After getting dressed, I left a note telling them I had to run out and that I’d be back soon and took off.

I barely paid any heed to the early morning sun as I walked the streets of Ponyville and even less to where I was going. I just picked turns at random, letting my legs wander while my mind was lost in a flurry of thoughts.

My surroundings only asserted themselves on my conscious mind once again when I sat down. To my surprise, I found myself on the little hill that Carrot Top’s house sat on, leaning against the tree that overlooked her farm as well as Sweet Apple Acres and the majority of town. With the beautiful view, it made a perfect spot to zone out and think, which at the moment was exactly what I needed. I wondered what Carrot Top would think of me being on her property without her knowledge, but in the end I didn’t leave. I needed somewhere to be for a while, and I was sure she’d forgive me.

So, Rainbow and Scoots. My two, and really only, best friends. Where should I even start?

I couldn’t –I couldn’t– have feelings for Scoots. Yes, she was fun to be around; yes, I always felt comfortable talking to her; yes, I think she’s awesome and exciting and she makes me feel good, but I couldn’t love her. She’s too young for me. What would other ponies think? What would Rainbow think? Sneaking around with her sister –her little sister– I would be betraying her and the trust she has in me! Once she’d finished killing me, Scoots’s dad would find some way to bring me back to life so he could kill me, too.

And having feelings for Rainbow was hardly a better alternative. She’d already made it clear that she wasn’t interested in dating me. Trying to push the issue would just drive her away, wouldn’t it? At the very least we’d have to stop seeing each other, but what if she wanted to stop hanging out altogether? The very idea sent a wave of ice through my veins.

No, I needed Rainbow in my life. But that didn’t mean I loved her, did it?

“I love Rainbow Dash,” I said. An annoying flock of butterflies started flapping in my stomach before I even got to her name. I shook my head to clear them out.

“I love Scoot–”

The sound of a door slamming made me jump nearly out of my skin. Carrot Top came trotting down from the front porch before turning in my direction. As she approached, I noticed her bushy mane looked like it hadn’t been brushed, leaving her with a serious case of bedhead. I waved as she stopped in front of me.

“I’m not paying you to sit around and look pretty,” she said, scanning me with narrowed eyes.

“It’s Saturday. You aren’t paying me anyway.”

“Damn right I’m not.” She searched me up and down. “So what are you doing on my land?”

“Sorry. I just needed somewhere to think for a while and stopped here. I kinda thought you’d still be in bed.”

“So you were trying to sneak around?”

I looked up to her, ready to apologize when I saw she sported a small grin. I wondered if it strained her face to show so much emotion at once. But then it disappeared and her bored frown was back as she trudged over to me and sat by my side.

“So, I was thinking next week we’d be working in the south field,” she said. Together, we glanced toward the field in question. From my amateur estimation, it did look like it was about ready for picking. “I’ll probably get started on it this weekend, though. ‘Bout… three or so tomorrow afternoon they’ll be ready.”

“You can guess down to the hour?”

She turned to me with a half-grin, squinting in the sun. “Wouldn’t you love to know?”

I shouldn’t have expected a straight answer out of her. Even worse, I wasn’t sure if she was actually pulling my leg or not. When it came to ponies and the weird stuff they could do with their magic, very little surprised me anymore.

“Do you like strawberries?” she suddenly asked.

“Uh… They’re okay, I guess,” I said.

“I was thinking about growing some. It’s a little late to start them, and they’re annoying to grow out of season, but I bet I could pull it off. I’ve never done it before, but Writty really likes them.”

“That’s… great,” I said. I wasn’t really sure why she was telling me this. “I guess that’s as good a’ reason to grow them as any. I didn’t think it was possible to grow things out of season, though. I thought you needed certain amounts of sun and temperatures, or something.”

“Maybe for some namby-pamby unicorn or airheaded pegasus,” she scoffed. “They don’t know how to feel the soil under their own hooves. They can’t breathe life into it and get it to yield when it shouldn’t. Even Writty, the poor fool…” She trailed off, looking wistfully towards the house. “He’s always walking around with his head in the clouds. Maybe he has some pegasus in his family somewhere. He has no mind for growing things. I can do it, though. So I will.”

“Nice of you to do that for him.”

She shrugged. “The happier he is, the less he nags me. Oh, and the more sex he gives me. That’s always nice.”

I could only roll my eyes at her incorrigible attitude. Every time I talk to her, I can’t tell if we’re having a genuine moment or if she’s just messing with me. It’s infuriating, and yet every time she… yup, she gives me that wry little grin right on cue and I can’t hold it against her.

The sound of the house’s front door opening drew our attention. Written Script came ambling out, a tray loaded with breakfast balanced precariously on his back while his green magic helped hold it in place. He was wrapped in a light purple bathrobe with a fuzzy collar and matching slippers. His mane was in a similarly disheveled state to match his wife’s.

“Good morning, Will!” he said jovially as he approached. He lifted the tray off his back and placed it on the ground before taking a seat on Carrot Top’s other side. “Care to join us for breakfast? I made plenty!”

Sure enough, a third plate fit to spill over with hash browns, scrambled eggs and toast lay on the tray, and I took it happily. There was also a steaming coffee pot as well as an extra mug. I thanked him for it all, and before long we were all eating.

“Oh!” Written Script suddenly said through a mouthful of hash browns. Swallowing, he looked to Carrot Top. “Did you tell him the good news?” She just shrugged and he sighed exasperatedly. Turning to me, he said, “We’re going to be having a foal!”

He was practically glowing with pride and shaking with excitement as he said it. It was like Princess Celestia herself had come down from the heavens to tell him that he’d won the lottery; that’s how happy he looked. And I couldn’t help but feel happy for them.

“Aww guys, that’s amazing! Congratulations! How far along are you? Do you know if it’s a filly or a colt yet?”

“Almost five months! And no, we’re going to let the gender be a surprise. We don’t really care about that, do we, sweetie?” he practically sang, leaning over to nuzzle Carrot Top. To my amazement, and I swear I’m not messing with you, she was actually blushing. Her attention was still focused on her plate and otherwise she betrayed no emotion, but she couldn’t hide the cherry-red on her cheeks.

“That’s really great, guys. I’m really happy for you!” I said. I really meant it. I just had a feeling they were going to be awesome parents. “Have you been trying for long or…?”

“Always trying to pry into our sex life,” Carrot Top said over her coffee mug. She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were interested in joining us.”

“Yeah, you wish,” I said at the same time Written Script said, “Sweetie, please…”

“What?” she asked, looking at her husband. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had two stallions double-teaming me. Don’t tell me you haven’t missed it, too.”

“Sweetie! Now is not the time!” Written Script exclaimed, aghast.

“Oh, he’s obviously fine, Writty! He can take a little teasing!”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he mumbled, rubbing his brow. But my mind was elsewhere.

“What do you mean? Of course, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.

“Uh… well, you see…” Written Script stuttered nervously. Carrot Top just sighed.

“This worrywart over here saw you moping under the tree and assumed something was wrong. I told him you were fine, but you know how he is; he made me come out here to check on you.”

“Sweetie, you were the one that wanted to have breakfast outside this morning,” Written Script said, glaring at her. His expression softened. “But I suppose that’s not important. As long as you’re okay, that’s what matters. It’s just that it’s not every day we wake up to find someone sitting in our yard.”

Wow, putting it like that made me realize how creepy it was. “Sorry. I needed somewhere to think for a bit and kinda just… found myself here. Didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Anything you’d like to talk about? We’re quite good listeners! Of course, I’d understand if you didn’t. We are just your bosses…”

“Technically, I’m his boss,” Carrot Top interrupted.

“The point is that just because you’re our employee doesn’t mean we don’t consider you our friend. If we can help, we’d like to.”

Once confronted, I’d expected all that panic from earlier to come flooding back. But it didn’t. Somewhere between discussions of strawberries, breakfast and babies, I had actually calmed down quite a bit. Yeah, I was still worried, but it didn’t seem like the end of the world anymore. Maybe it was the distraction, maybe it was Written Script’s earnest kindness, or maybe it was even Carrot Top’s teasing. I couldn’t tell, but whatever it was, it had me actually feeling a little better.

“Just some relationship troubles. I had a realization this morning that I might have feelings for not one, but two of my friends. I don’t know; I haven’t really figured it out yet. I don’t know if I just really like their friendship or if I want something more or… Well, even if I did, it doesn’t matter. One isn’t interested, and the other… I can’t have a relationship with her.”

“Why couldn’t you?” Written Script asked.

“Well, she’s… kind of my best friend’s little sister. Even if she were okay with that… Well, she’s quite a bit younger than me. I don’t know if I’m even okay with the idea of having feelings for her, let alone a relationship.”

Looking back, that may have not been the best way to word things. Any pony other than those two might not have taken it quite so well. Written Script was the only one of them to even react, and to his credit, he looked more cautious than morally enraged. So, that was a plus.

“When you say, ‘younger than you,’ how old exactly are we talking…?” he asked slowly.

“She’ll be eighteen in… two months, I think?” I said.

He let out a massive sigh of relief, smiling as he wiped his brow. “Oh, okay. When you said young, I’ll admit you had me somewhat worried!”

“You don’t think it’s wrong?” I asked.

“Of course not! She’s practically an adult; she can make her own decisions about who she wants to be with. It’s not like another two months is going to suddenly make her more mature or capable of handling a relationship. If the two of you want to be together, then that’s all that matters.”

“That’s hardly all that matters,” Carrot Top cut in. She was idly inspecting a hoof as she mused aloud. “First there’s the fact that she is still underage. Morality aside, it’s still illegal. At the very least you should wait the two months before making your move. And that’s not even getting into what other ponies will think. What do you think everypony in town will say? What will her family say? What would Rainbow Dash think?”

I had to admit that she had a point. While I wasn’t exactly ostracized from town, I wasn’t a pillar of the community. If rumor got around town that I was into foals or something, it would destroy what little trust they have in me. Just the thought of ponies thinking that about me made me sick to my stomach. And of course, Flip would kill me, as would…

“Wait. Who said anything about Rainbow Dash?” I asked, trying to hide the sudden unease I felt. I was fairly certain Carrot Top wasn’t psychic, but who knows with her.

“She’s the only pony you ever talk about while we work. It’s kind of annoying, actually. So when you say you have feelings for a friend, it can only be her. Which means the sister you’re talking about is Scootaloo.”

“Oh, she’s a charming young mare,” Written Script said. “I remember when she and her little friends used to cause such havoc in town. What did they call themselves…? Right, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They were such darling fillies.”

“They weren’t so darling when they ruined an entire crop from my south field trying to get pyrotechnics marks,” Carrot Top groused.

Written Script leaned in to lovingly nuzzle her. “Oh, sweetie. It was an honest mistake. Nopony could have known that rogue firework would fly halfway across town! And we only lost one field’s profits. We recovered.”

Carrot Top just gave a noncommittal grunt. Written Script’s expression fell as he turned back to me, though.

“She does make a point, I’m afraid. If you decide you have feelings for her and want to act on them, you’d have to keep all that in mind. You said you may also have feelings for her sister?”

“Yeah,” I said, looking down. “Rainbow was one of the first ponies that gave me a chance. From the very beginning, she treated me just like she did any pony. And I like being with her. Every time we’re apart, all I can think about is what we’re going to do next time we’re together… Or about that dumb smirk she’s always wearing; the one that says she thinks she’s the coolest person in the world and you know it. And then when we’re alone and she actually lets her guard down a little…” I realized I was rambling and blushed.

“Well, those sound like feelings if I’ve ever heard them,” Written Script said, leaning over to smile warmly at me.

“Celestia, he sounds just like you when we first started dating,” Carrot Top grumbled, rolling her eyes. “Will, tell me you’re not going to start writing her poetry. Please!”

Written Script looked like she’d slapped him in the face. “I thought you liked my poetry…”

“They were sappy nonsense! ‘Your eyes smolder like emeralds in a forge,’ or ‘even the Dawn’s light pales before your golden radiance.’ It was quite overdone.”

His head drooped like his whole world had been shattered. But then he looked back up at her in confusion. “Wait… I wrote that for you nearly thirteen years ago. You still have it memorized?”

She pointedly ignored him and turned to me. “So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I have to figure out what I want before I can do anything else. Then once I get my shit in order, I’ll have to talk to them. Find out what they want and go from there.”

“Not much of a plan,” Carrot Top said.

“But probably the sensible thing to do,” Written Script said. “Worrying over flights of romance and displays of affection will do little good if they don’t return his feelings. And even if they don’t, I’m sure if they’re half as good of friends as you say they are then things will work out.”

“Does that actually work? Do things really go back to normal between friends after something like that happens?” Carrot Top asked him.

“I like to think so. Love, even the love between friends, will always win out in the end,” he said. I could tell by the look on her face that Carrot Top shared my skepticism at his idealistic outlook. In the end, though, I didn’t argue. Maybe I didn’t want to be rude after they were both being so nice to me, or maybe I just really wanted to believe that he was right. I don’t know.

“Next week is when you’re taking off to go to Cloudsdale, right?” he suddenly asked.

“Yeah. Rainbow, Scoots and I are all heading up to her parents’ place Friday night. The auditions are on Saturday, but we’re going to stay the whole weekend. Give Rainbow some time with her parents and maybe do some sightseeing.”

“Ugh. An entire city up in the sky,” Carrot Top said, shuddering.

“I think it sounds like fun,” Written Script said. “And it will give you plenty of time to spend with them. Maybe help you figure things out. Good luck, Will. Let us know if there's anything we can do, okay?”

Carrot Top murmured something indecipherable that I decided to take as agreement and gave them my thanks. We started packing away the remains of our breakfast and Written Script left to take them back inside. Carrot Top and I both stood, but we didn’t seem to want to leave yet and remained standing side-by-side, staring out over Ponyville.

“Sounds like you got a big weekend coming up,” she mused. “Better not screw it up. I’m not giving you time off work if you go and get your heart broken.”

I laughed at her deadpan delivery. “Alright. I’ll try to keep that in mind while I’m trying to keep my life from blowing up in my face.”

“Good.”

A moment of silence passed. She huffed impatiently and pawed at the ground but made no move to leave and I was enjoying the company too much to either.

“Carrot Top, congratulations about the foal. Are you excited?” I asked.

“Pffft. Am I excited to squeeze a six-to-ten pound crying, poop-factory out of my vagina? What do you think?”

I smiled. “You’re going to be a great mom, Carrot Top.”

“Whatever,” she said, shrugging. “Writty’s going to be doing the parenting. Speaking of, he’s going to be worrying all weekend about how things are going for you now. You better be ready to tell him all about it on Monday.”

“Sorry to worry him. But thanks for the warning. I sure hope he doesn’t make you listen to all the details, afterwards. I’d hate to bore you,” I said.

“Oh, don’t worry, he will. He’s an incorrigible gossip, you know.”

“I’ll try to make sure something interesting happens, then. How does that sound?”

She pursed her lips and hummed in thought. Finally she shrugged. “That’ll do, I suppose.” Then, without another word she turned and trotted off after her husband.

“Later, Carrot Top,” I called out and she waved over her shoulder before disappearing inside.

As I made my way back towards town, I thought it all over. Things had definitely gotten complicated between Rainbow, Scoots and myself. I couldn’t believe that I’d said ‘I love you’ for nothing. But that still didn’t answer the question of ‘who.’ And however much I didn’t want it to be true, I knew it was because I’d said it to both of them.

They were both fun. They made me feel good to be around. And I knew I could rely on either of them for anything. If I were in trouble or depressed or anything, there was no one else I would turn to before either of them. What more could I want than someone who made me happy and would support me?

Though, did that mean I wanted a relationship with either of them? Talking to Rainbow about her emotions was like pulling teeth. Would we have to fight like we did last night every time we needed to talk about something important? And what if she made it onto the Wonderbolts? Would we be walking right into a long-distance relationship?

As for Scoots… Well, part of me still wondered if she was ready for an adult relationship. Yeah, she was fairly mature for someone her age. She’d been far more understanding and comforting than I’d expected when we talked about Sarah. But I didn’t know if she had the world-experience necessary for a long-term relationship. I didn’t even know what she wanted to do after she got out of school. Would she be ready to settle down anytime soon? Get married? Start a family?

And by the time she was ready for something like that, would she still even want to be with me?

I had to stop myself there. It was really a moot point since I wasn’t even sure if I wanted that yet. I did want a family eventually, but it’s not like I was ready to run out and adopt tomorrow.

I should probably worry about dating before long-term commitment.

But how was I supposed to pick between them? It’s not like I could just turn off my feelings for one of them so that I could see the other. Nor did I particularly like the idea of seeing both of them, even assuming they would be okay with something like that. I don’t want to be bouncing back and forth between two different relationships. I wanted something that could last; something that I could maybe one day build a life around.

So I hadn’t come to any concrete answers, but that didn’t surprise me. If it were going to be that easy, I doubt I would have freaked out in the first place. At least I wasn’t panicking anymore. And I had plenty of time to take it slow and think things over. Maybe Written Script would prove right and the time away in Cloudsdale would be just what I needed. If nothing else, I could at least worry about everything after we got back.

I decided to stop by Sugarcube Corner before I went home to pick up some doughnuts and coffee. I probably had two hungry mares waiting for me, anyway. As I made my way home, I was left with a most peculiar thought that just wouldn’t leave me alone.

I had the strangest urge to plant some strawberries.