Colgate Runs out of Toothpaste
It was a good day for Colgate. She had eaten plenty of mints, (the sugar free kind, naturally) so her breath smelled fresh as a winter wonderland. Not like her filthy roommate Fleetfoot, who never flossed and always had food stuck in her teeth. She made the Wonderbolts shows impossible to enjoy. Colgate was seriously thinking of writing a complaint letter. Boy howdy, if not for the fact that she was a unicorn, she would fly right up to Cloudsdale, bang on Spitfire's door and give her a piece of her mind.
But enough about that, nothing would distract her from her fourth favorite part of the day - preceded only by brushing in the morning, brushing in the afternoon, and "accidentally" locking Fleetfoot out of the house. She focused her magic on the brushing implement before her. The toothbrush was enveloped in a blue-tinted white glow and it rose to her face. Now, she turned her attention to the tube of toothpaste, and began to raise it with her magic.
"No." She placed it down. The magic was too impersonal. She wanted to be closer to her beloved toothpaste. To feel the bumps and ridges on the tube left by all the past times the toothpaste had sacrificed a little piece of itself to make her stronger. It was a selfless companion to an undeserving parasite like herself, and to reciprocate its affection was the least she could do. She pressed on it deeply, feeling the connection between herself, and that which would soon be part of herself. But her provider was nearly spent, she could feel that this April December relationship was drawing close its end. There was only so much it could give before it finally gave up the ghost; a husk of its former self. She took her hoof away and picked it up with her magic as she first intended. There was no sense in getting attached. She knew from the very start how this would end.
"This must be what it feels like when Princess Celestia falls in love with a mortal," thought Colgate. What had she done to deserve this curse of outlasting all her lovers? How could a benevolent deity bestow great fortune upon the wicked & slovenly Fleetfoot, while the fair and innocent Colgate received such a cruel lot in life?
She discarded such thoughts as she squeezed the tube with her magic. "What will be, will b-". An unexpected complication had arisen. Nothing was coming out of the tube. That was impossible - there was enough left for two more brushing sessions - or one if you mangled the tube instead of being delicate with it. Fleetfoot always squeezed out toothpaste in the way one would crack a walnut with one's hoof. And then eat said nut and leave little pieces stuck in one's teeth.
Sighing, Colgate opened the drawer where she kept her spare tubes of toothpaste. But to her great shock, the inside of the drawer was completely empty! Well no matter, Colgate knew what to do in situations like this. She used her magic on the back end of the toothpaste tube and began to roll the tube on itself. She could swear that as she coiled it tighter and tighter, that she could see a slug of toothpaste begin to creep out. But that promising feeling began to fade as she crushed it, tighter and tighter still, until it was practically small enough to fit through a drinking straw, and received nothing.
"Ok, Colgate, don't panic. I'll just go to the store and...." she was cut off by a loud hollow BONG! She peered out into the hallway, knowing very well what that sound meant, but knowing she had not the strength to face its meaning. The grandfather clock stood resolute in the hallway, its two hands spread wide like the jaws of an alligator ready to devour a helpless victim. Eight o'clock was already an unsavory time, because it was when Fleetfoot and her filthy mouth typically arrived home, but today, it also represented closing time of all the shops in Ponyville.
"No! This can't be! This can't be!" She clutched her face. In the mirror, her reflection changed to Fleetfoot. "Nooooooo!" Fleetfoot smiled a wide smile that showed all her teeth, rife with cavities, plaque, and food scraps. "I'M HIDEOUS!!!!" wailed Colgate. "Toothpaste, toothpaste! Need toothpaste!" She began tearing the drawers right out of their divots and shook each one upside down. She tore apart her dresser- nothing. She tore apart the attic - nothing. She tore apart Fleetfoot's room - nothing, but that felt cathartic. Finally beginning to fatigue, she paused. She was breathing heavily, feeling mentally and physically defeated.
She trudged down to the kitchen, sobbing quietly. Might as well start gorging on sweets now that her teeth were a lost cause. Feebly, she magicked open the cookie jar, when suddenly a thought occurred to her. "Baking soda. That's an ingredient in toothpaste, isn't it?" She rifled through the kitchen cabinet until she found the box she was looking for. Excitedly, she snatched it up and galloped back into the bathroom.
She poured a good amount of the white powder onto her brush, the baking soda nestling itself in between the bristles. She ran it under the tap, causing the baking soda to unappealingly clump up like wet sugar. Still, desperate times called for desperate measures, and though this seemed like a stupid idea on paper, she knew in her heart that in truth, the plebs like Fleetfoot just couldn't comprehend her ingenuity. Hesitantly, she brought the toothbrush to her mouth.
"Ack!" she gagged, as her mouth began to fill with the taste of aluminum, "ok, bad idea, bad idea!" she conceded, as she continued to cough and sputter. "Mouthwash!" She fervently dug through the mess on the floor, until she found the bottle of clear blue liquid. Tearing off the cap, she began to chug. The proper way to use mouthwash was to gargle and spit, and Colgate was well aware of this. However, given today's ordeal and the ongoing predicament, Colgate surmised that she needed the alcohol - the rest of the bottle's worth, in fact.
"Ah" she sighed as the last drop slid down her throat. She discarded the empty bottle into the wastebasket. Something seemed off about the wastebasket, but she ignored it - there were more important things to deal with right now. "Guess I should clean up this mess," thought Colgate, her angry energy spent, "don't want Fleetfoot to think she got a rise out of me, but...." she paused. That trash can was nagging at her like a toothache. She had to see what was the matter with it. Peering in, she noticed a gnarled strand of dental floss. "This isn't mine" she mused, "but if it isn't mine then.... Oh my Celestia."
The front door clicked open. "Colgate?" called Fleetfoot, "you there? I made a copy of our house key." She noticed suddenly that their house looked like a tornado had swept through, "Colgate, what the heck happened here???" Out of the corner of her eye, through the open bathroom door, she saw Colgate hunched over. "Colgate! Are you all right?" She hurried to her roomate's side.
Colgate looked up at her, her face stained with tears, but a warm smile on her face "I'm better than ok! I'm great! I feel like a new mare!"
"O..kay. Why?"
She held up the floss, "oh Fleetfoot! I've gravely misjudged you! I thought you were a monster! But I was wrong, you do care!" She wrapped her arms around Fleetfoot's knees, "won't you ever forgive me-e-e-e?"
"Sure, I guess"
"Thank you Fleetfoot! I'm just so happy I could kiss you!"
"Come again?"
"Please Fleetfoot! Let me show you my gratitude!"
"Well... your mouth does smell pretty good. Alright sure, what the hay."
The end?
Colgate Runs out of Toothpaste
Another Fate Worse Than Death
Twelve years ago was when my life changed forever. I was a happy pegasus filly with dreams, hopes, and a fast track to joining the Wonderbolts. That all changed on one fateful day. If you ask the average pony who the most evil unicorn stallion in the world is, they'd inevitably, naively, say "King Sombra." (The cat lady in the clothing store said 'Prince Blueblood.' Guess he had a son I didn't know about.) It must be so nice living such a sheltered life. When I was just a little filly, I made the acquaintance of the real mastermind of evil. His coat was blue like the sky, and his mane was white like a fluffy cloud. But don't be fooled, he wasn't anywhere near as nice a either of those things. His name was Dr. Colgate, better known as the pony that gave me braces.
I had to submit, what choice did I have? For I was fleet of foot but small of stature, and his gilded "MD" made him the authority figure. I was powerless to stop him from dooming me to a life of ridicule and stigma. The other ponies in my flight camp tormented me endlessly. They would innocently ask what kinds of music I liked, and then, instead of actually taking interest in my musical preferences, follow up with, "I bet you like heavy metal." Gilda said I was too dweeby to join the Wonderbolts. So I made a declaration. I swore, that even if he did take my braces off two years later, and even if I did make it into the Wonderbolts the year after that, I would have my vengeance on my tormentor. That's not stupid. Shut up.
After years of planning and plotting, I finally came up with the perfect plan. I would conceal a huge mallet under my wing, casually stroll into the dentist's office, and when let his guard down and showed me his jaw, WHAM!
I strode confidently into the dentist's office and approached the receptionist's desk. I gave her an innocent looking smile, being careful not to show my teeth - no doubt this gatekeeper was trained to recognize disgruntled customers when she saw her boss's handiwork. "I'm here to see Dr. Colgate. It's an emergency."
"Dr. Colgate? Why, he took a job in Saddle Arabia years ago." That coward! Clearly, he couldn't face what he'd done, so he fled the country. It looked like all hope was lost, until I happened by the newsstand. I don't know what compelled me to buy a newspaper, call it fate. But as I was flipping through the paper, I happened upon a personal ad that caught my eye.
Roommate wanted
55 Wither Street; 1 bath, 2 bedroom
Ask for Minuette Colgate
It couldn't be! Just as he escaped from my grasp, his own kin drops right into my lap. I was overcome with curiosity. I had to know just how far this apple fell from the tree, so I made haste to the battleground.
She instantly recognized me. Sure, she pretended like she'd never met me before, but I knew it was all an act. I knew, because, she offered me a mint. No doubt she was setting up a sick joke about how fillies with braces can't have hard candy.
"No, thank you," I replied smugly.
"Mmm-hmm," she said disapprovingly. I was a little disappointed to tell you the truth. I thought she'd have something more cunning than the same jokes as my Junior Speedsters bunkmates. When she handed me the leasing agreement, she told me that I'd be covering 60% of the rent instead of the 50% written in the ad, but I didn't care. The thought of fulfilling my destiny, and taking down the spawn of the lab-coated sadist was just too good to pass up. So into the lion's den I stepped.
She played the mint game almost every day, but I stood firm, refusing to be worn out. My resolve was rewarded as the months went by, as she began to show me her true colors. She locked me out of the house, and knocked the cookie jar off the hutch more times than I could count. I knew exactly why she did those things; because she was a klutz. And as I watched her profusely apologize as she used her magic to sweep up the pottery shards and cookie crumbs, I began to develop a plan. If something bad were to happen to somepony as clumsy as her, she'd never be able to pin it on me - any neutral party would chalk it up to her own lack of balance & coordination.
Her shopping list was stuck to the fridge with a goofy smiling tooth magnet. It wasn't a strong magnet, it was the kind that would abandon its post at the slightest jostle. I made a light breeze with my wings, and the ridiculous looking magnet tumbled to the floor, the paper fluttering down after it. I caught it in my mouth and stealthily carried it back to my room. Once my door was shut and locked, I took a fresh sheet of paper, and carefully traced Colgate's hornwriting. If you're a unicorn, then you won't appreciate just what a task it is to recreate the mechanical precision of magic with your mouth. But I was determined, and five hours and several quills later, I had a perfect duplicate of Colgate's shopping list, identical to the original in every way, except with one item missing - toothpaste. Truly it was a masterpiece. It was dismaying that this work of art would get crumpled up and thrown in a trashcan. Colgate never appreciated fine art anyway; this one time, I scored free Wonderbolts tickets for her, and she turned them down!
"Fleetfoot, have you seen my shopping list?"
It was go time. Colgate was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, and it would be impossible to sneak by... were I not a pegasus. The thing about grounder ponies is, they don't look up unless they have a good reason to. And why would they? There's no reason to think that there's a pegasus shimmying across your ceiling like Spidermare, right above you at this very moment, is there?
Made you look, didn't I?
I slipped under the doorframe and dropped the list from the ceiling.The fluttering noise of the paper caught her attention just long enough for her to turn around, and for me to slip back to my room.
"Never mind, I found it!" she called again, all too happy to blame that little mishap on her four left feet. At least the cookie jar was still in one piece - I was in the mood for a victory snack. But first, I had one last piece of business to attend to. I located her sparse-looking toothpaste tube, and with my hoof, gave it a good whack like I was cracking a walnut. A glob of toothpaste splattered into the sink, and I quickly wiped it up. Daintily, I molded the tube into a more intact-looking shape. Now, it looked like there was enough for a few more days, when really, it would be all gone by tomorrow. There was a good chance I wouldn't be home from work in time to see it all go down, but I didn't care. Gleefully, I helped myself to a molassess-nut cookie, a painful deprivation I had suffered when I had braces and an emblem of my fight for justice. I spent the rest of the day practicing being surprised when Colgate told me about her little crisis.
The next morning, I was up before Colgate, and I was glad - she might've gotten suspicious if she saw that I had a little spring in my step. As I was making myself breakfast, I happened to feel a nagging bit of food stuck between my teeth. That's when it dawned on me; I should use Colgate's dental floss, I bet she'd hate that. It was a real relief to get that scrap of food out, and the minty flavor felt nice and refreshing. Just for the heck of it, I flossed all of my teeth. As I was finishing up, I heard Colgate's alarm clock ringing. That was my cue to get out of there.
It was basic training day, and while I normally loved yelling at the new recruits while did their sky laps, today I was having trouble concentrating. Even the most brutal war has rules of engagement, and I couldn't help but feel like I'd violated them. A dentist with dirty teeth, why she'd be laughed right out of the Secret Society of Orthodontry, which I assumed was a thing.
"Fleetfoot, pay attention!" said Soarin, cutting off my train of thought
"Huh?"
"One of your cadets just missed a ring."
"Oh, um... say, can you take over for five minutes? I need to get some toothpaste from commissary."
"Sure, I guess so."
I took of like a shot, hoping desperately that they had something in the extra-minty variety. In the distance I heard Soarin sounding off,
"You miss another ring and I'll serve you up a flank-whooping pie with KP crust!"
When I arrived home, I was still feeling guilty about what I did. Hopefully this new tube of toothpaste would smooth everything over. "Colgate, you there?" I called out as I flicked on the lights. It looked like a tornado had swept through. The door to my room was wide open, and it looked like the tornado had paid special attention to my stuff. Something told me I'd need more than toothpaste. "Colgate, what the heck happened here??? It was then I noticed the open bathroom door, and saw a sight that made my blood run cold. Colgate was lying prone on the floor, a discarded bottle of some blue liquid by her feet.
"Colgate, are you all right?!" I ran over to her side, hoping against hope that she was still breathing.
She looked up at me, worse for wear but with a big smile on her face. I'd never noticed it before, but she was pretty cute when she smiled.
"I'm better than ok! I feel like a new mare!"
"O...kay. Why?" It was then I noticed she had a piece of used floss. I kicked myself mentally - leaving evidence behind, I thought I was better than that. "Bonbon came over and she had to floss her teeth, she brought her own floss, I swear." It sounded pretty convincing in my head, but she spoke again before I had a chance to.
"Oh Fleetfoot! I've gravely misjudged you! I thought you were a monster! But I was wrong, you do care!" I flinched as she grabbed my hooves and started sobbing. "Won't you ever forgive me-e-e-e?"
I had no idea where she was going with this, but I figured it best to play along. "Sure, I guess"
"Thank you Fleetfoot! I'm just so happy I could kiss you!"
Now I really had no idea where she was going with this. "Come again?"
"Please Fleetfoot! Let me show you my gratitude!" I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the leftover adrenaline from thinking she was gone for good, maybe it was because I was just now noticing that she was pretty cute when she smiled. All I knew was, I was Fleetfoot, the mare who'd sooner take a bullet to the head than fraternize with the enemy, and in that moment, I was going to kiss my arch nemesis.
"Your mouth does smell pretty good. Ok, sure, what the hay."
She pulled my head down and locked her lips to mine. She teased my lips with her tongue, and I had to admit, she really was a good kisser. As I ran my tongue along her teeth, I picked up a very unusual taste in her mouth. It was grainy like some kind of powder, and it tasted like she... had metal in her mouth! Suddenly it made sense, this whole thing must've been an elaborate plan to get me to drop my guard, an turn the tables right when I thought I had her cornered! That sly devil. I had to hand it to her, she was good. I'd done every play in the book, but she was always one step ahead.
I knew in that moment that I had just one choice. A Wonderbolt knows when to fight, and when to admit defeat, and Colgate had beyond a doubt proven herself the superior opponent. I remembered the toothpaste in my saddlebag. Perhaps I could use it, and an offer to be her lifelong lover, to bargain for a peaceful surrender. Gently, I pulled away from our kiss. I reached into my saddlebag and pulled out the fresh tube of toothpaste. Colgate gasped
"Fleetfoot, did you get this for me? Thank you!!!"
"Colgate," I said stoically, "we have to talk."
"Can it wait a few minutes?"
"I guess, why?"
"Because I have to brush my teeth!"
