Chapters You Put The Lime In The Coconut
Iron Galley was truly a god amongst men, that can not be denied. His gifted powers of adminness made him all the more awesome. His daily routine initially seems like that of every Mexican, he'd brush his teeth, take a shower and eat breakfast. But after that was done, he proceeded to begin his daily duties of admin stuff, which I have no clue about because I'm not the admin of any group and that makes me feel unloved.
Admin patrol was no different than previous days, until he caught wind of a thread title "HAWT SEXY PONY PORN CLICK HERE MOFO" posted by none other than CastleRock. Ed had always despised that man for being a nigro. After clicking on the thread his eyes were greeted to the sight of a naked pony fisting herself. Ed projectile vomited all over the walls and banned CastleCock... FOREVER!
With that taken care of, there were more important matters at hand...
CastleCock couldn't believe it. He had been betrayed by the most shifty of all Mexicans. Fortunately for Castle, he had a trick up his sleeve, a pointless Mac Guffin put in here to progress the story. An interdimensional transporter device that would rid the world of the poo poo stain that was Iron Galley. Though Ed wouldn't be dead, he would definitly be gone for good, as the Mac Guffin is a one way trip.
He entered the secret elevator and pushed the button for a secret floor revealing a secret room full of secret science people. Castle licked his lips in anticipation as he entered the chamber of science and spoke with his head technician, Nicholas Cage. "How long until I can wipe that man off the planet?" Asked Castle, who was growing more impatient by the second.
"It's ready to fire now, we just need everyone to enter the safe zones and follow proper procedures..."
"NO, I'M SHOOTING THAT SHIT NOW!!!" Castle yelled, he shoved Nicadimus Haratio Cage III to the floor and pressed the nearest big red button he could find. The Mac Guffin roared to life as the room began to distort and have a bunch of wacky effects like a looney toons episode. When the machine finished firing, the only thing left of his scientists were corpses on the ground. This was of little importance, for this was only a small step in achieving his ultimate goal: WORLD DOMINATION!
Ed was preparing his taco like any good stereotype would, until he felt a sudden tingly sensation in his gut. At first, he ignored it, but as he progressed into the later stages of the tacos life it began to hurt. A lot. Ed was now on the floor screaming in pain when everything went black.
He thought he was dead, until he realized he could think. Maybe this was the afterlife? A light appeared in the darkness. First, the light was no bigger than a pin head, but it began to grow quickly. He realized that the light was ground, and it was coming fast! He couldn't do anything but watch as the ground came in direct contact with his face.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders couldn't believe their eyes. A creepy flying thing crashed right in front of their clubhouse and was bent in ways no creature should. They had been poking it with a stick for a while now, but that just made it twitch. Applejack had been staring at it as well but went off to get Fluttershy's animal expertise to help. That was ten minutes ago, this creature's probably dead, the CMC thought.
After a few more minutes of stick poking the creature made a strange gargling noise, which stunned the CMC. Maybe the creature was still alive? Not long after, Applejack and Fluttershy emerged from the woods and stood infront of the creature. "Oh my, it looks like a diseased monkey! You poor diseased monkey, we'll get you some help. Applejack, help me carry this thing!"
"I'mmmm wwwaaaaaalllkkkkkkkkkkiing onnnn sssuuuuuuunnnnn shiiiinnneee..." The weird thing mumbled in an almost drunken state of sleep. He'd apparently been knocked out cold from the crash and probably had brain damage. But Fluttershy had little time to dwell on that matter, all she could focus on was getting it to a hospital.
When Ed was coming back to reality, he was greeted to the sounds of a hospital. This was good news as it meant he survived the fall yet bad news because he could be permanently fucked up for life.
"Is it gonna be okay Doc?" Asked a suspiciously familiar voice that belonged to a young female. Ed was sure he heard it before, but with his mind racing at a thousand miles per hour and with his eyes glued shut out of tiredness, he didn't have time to think about it.
"I don't know. We know nothing of it's anatomy." Said the doctor. Did the fall mess him up so bad he looked like an alien? Because they sound as if they've never seen a human before.
"Ooh, ooh, when it gets better can I throw it a party?!" Asked a squeaky feminine voice. Wait a minute...
Mustering all of his strength, he opened his eyes and let the blur get out as he finally caught a glimpse at the creatures.
And he freaked the fuck out.
Now, when I say freaking the fuck out , I don't mean freaking the fuck out as in 'Oh, I left the oven on at home, guess I'm gonna have to go back.' I mean freaking the fuck out as in 'Oh lord, there are 30 scorpions in my fucking shoes and they have freaking bombs strapped to them.' Ed did what any sensible man would do while freaking the fuck out, he beat them in the heads with a mother fucking table using his super Mexican strength.
The ponies backed up to the wall with bruises and cuts covering their faces. The mentally traumatized Ed was getting ready to swing, when a cum colored pony walked in who was at least twice the size of the normal ponies he brutally beat to near death. He remembered her from the show, it was Celestia. She had the kind of look on her face you get when you're really fucking pissed. Ed dropped the table and pointed a finger at the doctor, who was huddled up in a corner and shaking with fear. "He did it." Ed said bluntly. Celestia didn't fall for it as she made her way towards the main six to comfort them, all while keeping her venomous glare on Ed.
After Celestia tended to the ponies injuries, she sent them on the way to their homes, but stayed behind to talk with Ed. "I can't believe you! These ponies saved your life and this is how you repay them? Swinging tables at their faces? What is your species, a race of morons?" With the last sentence, Ed popped his knuckles and sent a hearty 'I love you too' note to her in the form of a fist to the fucking mouth.
He was surprised how effective that was, considering she was practically the sun god, she was now on her haunches and holding her bleeding jaw in an effort to soothe the pain. "Fuck you too." Ed muttered. He knew after that fiasco, he was a wanted outlaw. No one really takes it kindly when you beat up six of the most powerful people in the country and when you make their god whine in pain. He'd have a lot of explaining to do when the police caught him, he just had to make sure he could hide from them long enough to find a way out of this place.
He heard approaching hoofsteps coming up the stairs and assumed it was likely Celestia's royal guards looking for him. So he went out through the only escape route he could think of, the window. The glass hurt, but the fall wasn't too much. His legs were sore from the crashlanding so he had to limp his way to safety. The forrest wasn't too far, just a little closer... Suddenly, Ed felt a surge of pain through his back as he collapsed to the floor. Someone stabbed him with a spear.
Ed awoke to the sound of hoofsteps, eight sets of them, he counted in his head. He ignored his body's plea for sleep and began to inspect his surroundings. His fears were confirmed, he had been taken to a dungeon. They also took his t-shirt and put bandages on his back. He guessed maybe they did care about his bad case of spear-to-the-back syndrome. The sound of trotting hooves grew louder and louder and he knew another face-to-face meeting was inevitable. He tried to make himself look as appealing as possible to try and get on their good side, though that might be hard after the events in the hospital.
From around the corner he saw them, the main 6, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Princess Celestia tried to remain optimistic about meeting him, she smiled as wide as she could with her jaw bandages. The main 6 on the other hand were either horrified of his presence or very angry. Luna was the same, no doubt she wanted answers to why a diseased monkey with the fabled strength of the Mexicans was swinging a table at her subjects, and why he had the nerve to punch her dear sister in the jaw.
An awkward silence ensued. "So... Hi?" Ed said awkwardly.
"HOW DARE THOU ATTACK MY SUBJECTS AND HARM MY DEAR SISTER! WHO DOTH THOU THINK THEY ARE?!? Yelled Luna in her royal Canterlot voice. Ed, the ponies and Celestia had covered their ears from the sheer pain it caused.
"Ahem," Celestia said in an effort to calm her sister down. "I believe your actions against us can be justified. You're certainly not a diseased monkey as we first thought you were, but instead something entirely different. May we ask your name?"
"Ed. And I already know yours, no need to tell me."
Twilight cocked an eyebrow, "How do you know our names?" She asked. Ed was unprepared for a long talk explaining what tv is and saying how some guys are probably jerking off to them right now.
"It's complicated..." Ed replied, dodging the question as well as he could.
"Ah, so you are a psychic as well!" Said Celestia.
"No, I'm not a psychic."
This answer only seemed to cause Twilight to ask more questions rather than keep her mouth shut. "I must know how you can read our minds without being a psychic! This can be used for the benefit of-"
"Maybe next time." Interjected Ed.
"If you choose to be so secretive, so be it, you can keep your secrets then, you are also free to leave the dungeon at anytime, we have a guest room prepared for special guests such as yourself. But I still must ask, would you like to join us for royal dinner tonight?" Celestia asked.
The offer surprised Ed, he punched them in her in the face and now she's asking him if he wants dinner? He still wouldn't let down the offer, he was famished. "Sure, why not."
"Great, meet us at the dining hall at six o'clock. We have a wide selection of freshly plucked flowers!" Celestia replied, she sounded almost happy to hear that he said yes. "And here is that strange piece of clothing you wore, sorry about what my guard did to you, you're lucky he was to scared to stab you any deeper, you might have been paralyzed if that went further! A gaurd is waiting for you at the entrance to the dungeon, he will escort you to your room."
'Great,' Ed thought 'I hope they have tacos...'
The Ed Head was being lead (le ebben rhymes :D) through the elegant halls of Canterlot castle. The walls adorned with beautiful paintings and breathtaking designs among other things.
But none of that had Ed's attention, what truly captivated him was the fact that the guard who had been guiding him through the picturesque halls kept walking in a way which allowed his massive horse dick to constantly dangle into Ed's view. Each time it did, Ed held back his vomit. He fortunately hadn't to withhold the sight for long, as it was a quick walk to Ed's room.
Ed stood with his jaw agape. The room was beautiful. The bed had dark blue sheets on the mattress and pillows, a white blanket which was so white the KKK would be jealous, the night stand to the right side of the bed was made of wood, had two drawers and, surprisingly, when Ed opened them he found ready made clothes, human clothes. Though he had to admit they were a little overly fancy. He made a mental note to ask Celestia about them during the royal dinner, even though he was pretty certain it was Rarity's work, he wanted to make sure.
The walls were pained dark blue like the sheets and the book shelf opposite to the bed had already been stacked with many books, mostly about cooking for some reason. The bathroom had jewel encrusted toilet paper, which made him worried to take a shit, jewel encrusted sink knobs and an elegant mirror with a golden frame.
All in all, he was pretty pleased with the room. He plopped on his bed, expecting not to fall asleep, but quickly found his fatigue getting the best of him.
_________________
Castle Rock's cock was as hard as the rock he had in his castles, and those were pretty hard rocks. "This Applejack porn is pleasing, see to it the creator is compensated well." He said to his royal laptop holder, who nodded in response and closed the laptop for him, before quickly leaving the room.
Castle sighed and spun his pimp chair playfully. His dark reign over the lands grew every day. The president of Murica was on his knees, begging for mercy.
If only Iron Galley was here, he'd ban him to the next dimension for his power over the lands. The whole of Earth would soon be his.
He was abruptly awoken from his daydream when Nic Cage the science mage busted into his room.
"We found it." He said, panting. "We found the portal to Equestria."
