A Butler Dark as Night

by Philosophysics

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Length: 2408

Sombra was dead. Banished. Alone. Angry. What happens if a bored God decides to make him a butler?

Hello! Philosophysics Here! I always found the ideas of butlers being awesome! So here it is SOMBRA THE BUTLER!

I mean seriously, he's just like Sebestian from Black Butler.

Of course, he's just as likely to kill me. But hey! You never know! Actual description now.

Sombra did many unspeakable things in his life. When he returned his victory was short–lived. Now through a series of uncontrollable events such as landing in the office of a bored God, he is now the butler to Sweetie Belle. Absolutely nothing can go wrong now! (Can it?)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-20 03:33:12 UTC

Prologue

So close... He was so close to destroying that vile crystal heart! If only that accursed princess wasn't there! If only he thought to used the black crystals to stab all surrounding him! He should have.

No he floats in this place. This accursed place full of silver smoke. He stands in front of two doors. One black and one white. The black door emanates a black miasma and the white door emanates a hopeful aura.He stands at a crossroads.

He thinks," So they want me to decide which path I choose. Hmmph." He walks over to the black door and examines it. He then checks the white door. He looks to the back and sees nothing. However, he notices a third path, one he can see. So he does not choose and continues to walk on that path.

He passes windows, but does not look through them. Eldritch beings roam outside. Phantoms of the past dance to the tunes of the future. Quite simply put, if one were to look into the madness, they themselves would find they themselves have failed to keep their sanity.

He continues to walk past all these things.

God is bored. To be fair, he's not really God. Being God makes him seem like he is all-powerful. He's not. He is not all-knowing. He is simply a fragment of God. When God made all the multiverses, he did the most convoluted delegation ever.

Splitting himself into an infinite amount of pieces to split up his infinite knowledge, infinite power, and infinite presence. He then delegated each God to a universe. These God fragments then split themselves into even smaller fragments which they delegated the small stuff to.

This particular God ( Lets call him Philosophysics) is one of the lazier ones. He delegated everything going on in this version of Equestria. Recently its been boring as hell, so he's been reading the reports from other universes such as Hayate the Combat Butler and Kuroshutuji universes. They conveniently come in manga and anime forms.

Philosophysics sighed," I'm bored!" He throws the book against the wall. His servant picks it up and says,"Maybe if you were actually doing your job. Wait... You delegated all the fun jobs to your angels."

He glares at his servant."My version of Equestria is boring as hell Falco! I mean nothing interesting ever happens! Its going exactly the same way as that TV show on that planet whachamacallit Earth! Hellfire! I wish I could put something in it! But dammitall, I'm a nice guy and I don't want to mess up their peaceful lives."

"Maybe you shouldn't have created the alicorn species."

"Oh come on, that was fun! I mean look at that immortal family drama that popped up!" Philosophysics spins around in his chair."Ponyville was fun... Maybe I should add something else, but what?"

A knock on the door. Philosophysics glances at Falco," Whose that?"

Falco checks his tablet," None of the other Gods are coming over for a 'meeting' as you guys like to call it."

Philosophysics groans," Tell Loki I demand a rematch in that game of Poker. I know he cheated!"

Another knock.

"Should I open it?"

"Sure." Philosophysics ducks under his desk. Falco approaches the door which explodes into a large black crystal.

"I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE I AM!!!!!!!!!!" Sombra bellows.

Philosophysics looks at the unperturbed Falco who has landed lightly next to him. "Is that Sombra?"

"It appears so. Somehow he skipped the choosing of light and darkness."

"Damn! He only got five lines in that show on Earth!"

"Silence!" Another crystal shoots out to impale Philosophysics.

"MY MANGA!" Philosophysics jumps up.

"I knew you were slacking off again." Falco says.

"But this is good!" Sombra finds himself unable to move. Surrounded by a antromorphic falcon and a human in robes, he threatens,"Release me!"

"Well, technically I am God of this universe. AND you're going to be a butler!"

"What!?" Sombra bellows.

Philosophysics places his face right in front of Sombra's face. "Now. Now. Be a good little pony and hear me out."

Sombra spits in his face."Never!"

"Falco, Open up the hatch back to Equestria for me!" Falco proceeds to open up the slot that says,"Chute to Equestria", Philosophysics begins to stick his head in the chute looking for someone innocent to reform Sombra. He finds one almost instantaneously."Ooh, Found one!"

Sombra struggles to get away from the madman."Let me go!"

"Ok, but here's the deal!" Philosophysics rubs his hand together giddily." You'll now become the butler of Sweetie Belle! You'll follow all her orders and resolve to keep her safe. You'll be a nice pony right?"

"NO!"

"Do it for your wife," Philosophysics says.

"What right do you-"

"Every right. No right. I'm just an overseer whose bored. Also the overseer whose giving you a chance to make up for your sins."

Sombra is silent. "Good, you agree to the contract!"

So saying, Philosophysics chucks Sombra in the chute. Falco closes it and turns to Philosophysics."Are you sure that was a good idea?"

"Nope. But the best results often come from the worst ideas! Who knows? Maybe, he'll help get Discord under control." Philosophysics stands nodding sagely.

Falco looks at him." And its not because you were just watching butler manga?"

Philosophysics shrugs,"Well, that too."

Sweetie Belle is outside studying her magic. She attempts to cast a simple levitation spell from a book she borrowed at Twilight's library. If she had looked closely, the title would have read,"Guide to Summoning". To be fair, it was right next to "Guide of Levitation".

If the order of things did not happen the way it did prior to this event, a number of things could have happened. One was that she summons something that eats her. Another is that she survives, but the Elements of Harmony are needed. But the things did happen, so a tornado of black crystals appears in front of her.

Normally, she would have to draw the two pentagrams, one to entrap the summoner, one to protect herself, until a contract could be made. However, unknown to her a contract was already made prior.

The black crystals coalesce into the form of a unicorn missing its horn.

Sweetie Belle steps curiously forward wondering who that is.

Sombra laying on the ground opens one eye.

Sweeite Belle asks,"Who are you?"

"Sombra."

"Som-bra?" Sweetie Belle pronounces cautiously.

"Yes." Sombra wants to attack her, but can't.

Rarity comes out and checks on Sweetie Belle."Are you okay, Sweetie?"

Sombra stands abruptly,"YOU!!!" and pounces on her.

A single shrill voice shrieks," STOP!!!!!!!"

Philosophysics chews on a piece of popcorn,"Well that escalated quickly."

Falco whacks him on the head."Hurry up and turn off the TV!"

"But its just getting good!"

"Well, here!"

Falco dumps a large stack of papers on Philosophysics desk. Philosophysics groans.

"Oh, well. Sombra will get used to it." As Philosophysics gets to work, he forgets something important.

He didn't tell the alicorn species what's happening. To be fair, he's never actually contacted them ever. But still...

I'm the Butler

Sombra leaps up to attack Rarity just as Sweetie Belle screams,"NO!"

Sombra freezes mid-leap seemingly defying the laws of physics,but Philosophysics enjoys impossibility, so he lets him float. All three wait for him to fall. When it doesn't come, Rarity asks," Umm... What are you doing?"

"Attacking you!" Sombra snarls.

"Don't threaten my sister!" Sweetie Belle shouts. What follows is a rather amusing scene.

Imagine Sombra in mid-air facing Rarity. He attempts to threaten her multiple time, but just contorts his face into strange shapes. Rarity laughs. She waves Sweetie Belle over who also laughs. Sombra contorts his face more and more in an attempt to make even a single noise. He gives up and hangs dejectedly. Looking up again, she sees Rarity holding her stomach and pointing at him. He glares and then makes a hoof gesture. A gesture that suggests Rarity is something... less than respectable.

Rarity's face hardens. She shoos her sister into the house, closes all the windows, and locks the door. She comes back out with a face that looks like it would make Tartaraus freeze twice over. Sombra gulps.

A long high-pitched scream is drawn out.

Philosophysic's ear twitches. "I have the bizarre feeling I am missing something entertaining right now." He looks up at Falco at another desk quickly. He's busy. Philosophysics quickly ducks underneath and pulls out a small laptop.

He giggles silently and opens it up preparing to watch the show going on right now. "Hello, Shouldn't you be at work?" Falco's blue feathered face glares at him.

"ARGH!!!!!!!"

Rarity drags... something... into the house. Sweetie Belle squeaks,"What is that?"

"That's Sombra, Sweetie. Now watch him, as I go get Twilight and the others please."

Rarity leaves the tied up Sombra alone with Sweetie Belle. Sombra glares at Sweetie Belle who squeaks and hides behind a potted plant. For the first time in a thousand years, Sombra feels something he shouldn't feel. Guilty pleasure.

Well, it's a start...

Sweetie Belle then does something unexpected. She asks," Do you want tea, Mie--Mister Sombra?" Albeit a tad squeaky, but she offers him tea nevertheless.

Sombra just gapes at her. Never did he think that people would offer him tea again. Not since his wi- Not going there. Nobody sane ever offers overlords that cause entire kingdoms to disappear, tea.

"Would you like some scones too? I think we have some in the fridge." Before Sombra can respond, Sweetie Belle goes to the kitchen.

Rarity runs to Twilight's library and knocks on the door. She waits patiently.

Twilight is coming down the stairs to answer the door. Right in front of the door is when Rarity decides to stop waiting. So Rarity bucks the door open, slams Twilight's face, and they both scream in either pain or fear.

"By Nud!" Twilight screams holding her nose.

"Your Nose!"

Spike walks down yawning,"What's going on?" He looks down at the two mares shouting frantically about noses and bleeding. He groans,"One of those days again..." He calmly walks past them and grabs a gem for breakfast. Then he looks for the first aid kit.

Twilight is screaming,"It won't stop!" She tries to stem the flow by bending down and holding her nose. The downward position causes blood to flow more downward. Still... no way should Twilight have stood up and looked like an extra from The Trotting Dead."Is it better?"

Not many know this, but Rarity does not have a fear of blood. She does however highly, very much dislike the Trotting Dead. Not because of the end of the world thing (well, maybe a little), but because of the fact that the well-dressed people die first. Guess who Rarity is.

So she screams. "AHH!!!!!!!!"

Sombra lays tied down in the chair. He thinks about the past hour and what has happened to him so far. He kind of feels bad for scaring the filly now. She was kind to him and she didn't run away screaming!

Maybe he should apologize to-- NO! HE WILL NOT APOLOGIZE!!! He is King Sombra! AND-

Shut up, willya!

Sombra lays still, thoughts suddenly focused in one direction, who is this?"

God! We met earlier. Now you don't have to talk, but I'll play your good conscience here. Just think a question and I, good conscience with slight omniscience thrown i, will answer to the best of my ability and attempt not to throw the balance of the universe to Ragnarok.

"Who are you?"

Seriously, even after a mysterious voice pops in your head, youstill talk out loud? I mean everybody would think that when people get a voice in their head they would try to talk silently to them, but Noooo! They have to talk out loud and make everybody think they're bat-crazy and then they're forever alone... Oh, yeah... I'm Philosophysics! Nice to meet you again!

What do you want?

Good! You're getting the hang of it!

Silence! You answer--

(Chuckle) I'm God! I don' HAVE to answer the questions! You are! So you're a special case! Don't you feel special?

I feel abused.

Well, what do you expect! You only attempted to overthrow Princess Celestia and Luna, my delegated rulers that took Forever! to get them where I wanted them to (Stuck up politicians), enslaved the Crystal Empire with all the cute and shiny ponies in it, and then when everything looked like it would fail, you banished and hid the Crystal Empire to God knows where. (giggle) Get it! Because I'm God.

Silence.

Not funny? I thought it was good. Well, I'm God, till my butler Falco decides he's had enough of my crap and throws me into Equestria. Personally, I might just delegate everything to him and come down myself! As to what I want... Well... That's a toughie...

You mean to say that I was thrown back among the living on the whim of a mad God!

Why, YES! Something like that! I remember now! Well, you escaped choosing the eternal hell door and the white door to being reincarnated to redeem yourself. You broke my very nice door that I could rebuild in a second, but you know, matter of principle. Plus you destroyed my stash of manga! So I got the idea of making you a butler to make you repent and maybe for my amusement?

And who am I indentured to Oh God?

Please call me, Philosophysics! You're indentured to that nice filly whose... whose... bringing you something good to eat! Sorry gotta go! Don't forget you're the butler with a contract that I'll reveal at a later time!!!!!!

Wait what?

Silence. What could have possibly caused God to run away?

Sombra then smells something ungodly. Sweetie Belle brings a platter with a plate of pitch-black scones along with a teapot with steam rising in a toxic skull sign. Sombra squirms to get away from the food of hell. Until a sad, sad little voice pierces through the iron heart,"Do you not want some?"

Sombra speaks,"NO!"

Sweetie Belle looks down cast. This again pierces the iron heart of Sombra. He does the unthinkable and thinks of saying yes. No, that would be suicide to say yes to eating such horrible items.

Sniffles distract him from his thoughts. Sombra looks at Sweetie Belle.

What a dilemma that a man with supposedly no heart should have...