A heavily-armed, shark-riding velociraptor in Ponyville

by Razalon The Lizardman

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Gummy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2392

The citizens of Ponyville react about how they should when the town is visited by a pair of armed, carnivorous predators.

A pair of apex predators is visiting Ponyville. Absolutely nothing bad can/will come out of this. No siree, nothing whatsoever. Zilch. Notta. Complete lack of things going wrong, messing up, and/or pandemonium.

Just another regular, peaceful day in Ponyville, this is . . .

Published 2014-10-23 22:30:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-23 22:30:09 UTC

The Only Chapter

“The horror! The horror!” Daisy chanted, hooves pressed to her cheeks.

“It’s awful, simply awful!” Lily followed, holding a hoof to her forehead dramatically.

“It’s a total disaster!” Roseluck declared, on her knees, eyes shut tight in repulsion of the travesty before her.

“Girls, could you please stop making a scene?” Carrot Cake pleaded with them. “They’re just chocolate scones for Celestia’s sake!”

The three flower sisters righted themselves, continuing to stare at the empty plate in the display. Their eyes threatened to burst into tears as they turned around and headed out of Sugarcube Corner. Along the way they passed by Pinkie Pie, stopping to give her, as well as her company, a brief smile before heading out the door.

“Poor girls,” Pinkie said, watching their retreating forms. “It’s always a sad thing when you can’t get your favorite pastry.”

“I suppose so,” Geoffrey said. He reached his small, reptilian hand to the plate of chocolate scones on the table between them, grabbing one for himself. “Still, the level of theatrics they just exuded puts the Canterlot Opera House to shame, and all over these things.” He wiggled the scone a bit, then proceeded to take a dainty nibble, careful to avoid mangling it with his sharp, carnivorous teeth.

“Yeah, it was a bit too theatrical, but that’s what the flower sisters are always like,” Pinkie explained. A smile crossed her muzzle. “That’s what makes them stand out in Ponyville, and, to be honest, it’s kinda endearing.”

Geoffrey shrugged. “If you say so.” He then broke off a large chunk of scone and tossed it over his shoulder to Bridgette. The smell of freshly baked pastry woke the great white shark from her snooze, and she happily gobbled the whole thing in one bite before proceeding to rest again on the linoleum floor.

“Hey, Geoffrey, I’ve been meaning to ask you⋯” Pinkie pointed to the aquatic predator. “⋯How come Bridgette can breathe without water?”

“Ah, a fine question, Miss Pinkie,” Geoffrey said, smiling. “I’ve stockpiled oxygen enchantments over the course of my travels, and I use them, whenever needed, to allow Bridgette the ability to breathe on land. Otherwise, she could never be my trusty mount.” After taking a moment to straighten the collar of his brown trenchcoat, he grabbed his coffee cup and brought it to his mouth. He drank a bit from the cup, then licked his lips in satisfaction. “Ah, coconut always hits the spot.”

Pinkie frowned. “Seems like an awful lot of work, though,” she mused.

“I assure you, Miss Pinkie, that it isn’t any trouble,” Geoffrey replied. He turned around to watch Bridgette resting peacefully on the floor, fins splayed out, and her eyes shielded by their white cover normally only used when claiming prey. The sight brought a warm smile to Geoffrey’s face. “And even if it was, it’s worth it to keep Bridgette by my side.”

Pinkie’s frown lifted into a more appropriate smile. “Keeping a friend with you at all times is a great thing,” she stated. “But how’d you meet her?”

Geoffrey chuckled and turned back around. “Very well, I’ll tell you⋯” Pinkie pulled a bag of popcorn seemingly from nowhere, which shocked Geoffrey for a moment before he shook his head free of stupor, and began telling his story.

“Many years ago, when I was just a lad of twenty, I was a rebel fighting against the seapony menace in the Pegacific Ocean War of 981. Things were quite hectic for me and my comrades in arms back then. With every battle we fought, the question of 'Will we make it back with our sanity intact?' was always on the forefront of our minds, or at least before deployment, whereupon we became preoccupied with staying focused on the battlefield. And yet, many a raptor fell victim to the seaponies’ abysmal singing. Some of them I knew personally, and seeing it in their faces, that wide-eyed look of terror, while they mumbled that dreaded ‘shoo-bee-doo’ crap—” Geoffrey growled in disgust, “—I’ll never forgive those aquatic monsters.

“Anyway, during a raid off the Fillyppines coast, I stumbled across a great white shark in shallow waters during our march to the beach. The poor thing was struggling to keep afloat in the water, and it looked to be on the verge of suffocation. Retreating temporarily, I brought it back to the boats for treatment. Turns out, the water along the beach was polluted with various seapony makeup products, which had been clogging Bridgette’s gills, preventing her from breathing. The doctors were quick to remedy the problem, and before long, Bridgette was healthy again.

“Our friendship grew from there over the war’s course. Eventually, we became full-fledged partners, and vowed to always stay together no matter what. Even now, as mercenaries for hire, we never leave each others’ side, even under the most dire of circumstances.”

Having finished his tale, Geoffrey took another scone and split it down the middle, tossing one piece to Bridgette while idly chewing on the other one himself. Pinkie stared in awe at him, her mouth open in amazement at his story.

“Woooow.” Pinkie brought a hoof to her forehead, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. “That’s amazing.”

“Oh, not really,” Geoffrey said dismissively. He popped the last of the scone into his mouth, waiting until he finished chewing and swallowed before continuing. “Wanting to help a wounded creature is a perfectly normal urge.” He shrugged. “Nothing worth being amazed over, really.”

“Well, yeah,” Pinkie said, “but still, it must be really cool to have a shark for a best friend.”

Geoffrey smirked slightly. “It does have its perks, like being protected from street gangs and other uncouth ruffians.” He lifted his cup back up to his mouth, and was about to take another drink when he felt a sudden pressure on his leg. Looking under the table, Geoffrey frowned at what he saw.

“Pinkie?” he said. “Why is there an alligator chewing on my leg?”

Pinkie gasped, and ducked under the table. Sure enough, she saw Gummy clamped onto Geoffrey’s leg, futilely attempting to chew it off.

“Gummy!” she shouted. “That’s not very nice, not to mention dangerous!” She quickly pried her pet alligator from Geoffrey’s leg and set him atop the table. “You could’ve set Bridgette off!”

“I assure you, Bridgette isn’t one to overreact,” Geoffrey told her. He downed the last of his coffee and set the cup back on the table. “Though, I must say, a baby alligator is certainly an interesting choice for a pet.”

“I got him as a birthday present,” Pinkie explained, patting Gummy on the head before turning her attention to Geoffrey. “He was hatched the day before I got him, so we celebrate our birthdays back-to-back.” Her eyes lit up. “Which is so totally rad, because that’s double the parties, which means double the cake, the candy, the pin-the-tail-on-the-pony, the—”

“I understand the point you’re trying to make,” Geoffrey interrupted. He gave the party pony a pointedly stern gaze. “Just remember, Gummy’s toothlessness won’t last forever, so you’d do best to discipline him if you plan on keeping him, lest he maul somebody when he grows up.”

Pinkie let out a horrified gasp. “Gummy would never do that to anybody!” she said. “How could you even suggest he would!?”

Geoffrey raised an eyebrow, then casually lifted his arm, from which Gummy was dangling with his toothless jaws clamped around it. Pinkie’s horrified gaze morphed into one of sheepishness, and she, once again, pulled her pet off of Geoffrey’s person. A few feathers were ripped off his arm in the process and slowly floated downward while Geoffrey winced in pain.

Noticing this, Pinkie said, “Ooh, I’m so sorry, Geoffrey.” Instead of setting him down on the table, Pinkie put Gummy in her mane so he couldn’t cause any more trouble. “I’ll do my best to discipline him, Pinkie Promise.” She made the motions for said promise.

Geoffrey was too busy recovering from his pain to pay attention to it. “Yeah, that’s swell,” he said with no enthusiasm, while rubbing the spot on his arm where the feathers were plucked.

A few minutes of silence passed between them after that as Pinkie and Geoffrey whittled down their shared plate of scones until, eventually, none remained. A few customers entered the bakery as they ate in silence, never once paying the duo any mind as they completed their transactions, either staying to eat there or leaving to do so elsewhere.

The silence was eventually broken by Geoffrey. “Pinkie, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Pinkie replied with a smile. “Ask me anything.”

Geoffrey clasped his hands together, and stared down at the table for a moment, collecting his thoughts. When he lifted his gaze back up to Pinkie, he held an expression of curiosity mixed with, to Pinkie’s confusion, thankfulness, while speaking.

“Since I arrived here with Bridgette, I’ve been astonished at how well we’ve been received by Ponyville’s populace. I am grateful for that, of course, but I’m still curious as to why this is?”

Pinkie cocked her head. “What makes you think we wouldn’t welcome you two here?” she asked, giving him a curious stare in return.

“From my understanding, Ponyville is more or less unaware of my race's existence.” He shrugged. “Most people would sooner panic over two creatures which can tear them to shreds with ease than welcome them with open arms.”

“Oooh, I see what you’re getting at,” she said. “Yeah, there was a time when just the sight of a velociraptor, let alone one riding a shark, would have everybody hiding inside their homes like scared little foals, except they’d be scared big grown-ups instead.”

“Interesting,” Geoffrey said, resting his chin on his hands, propping his elbows on the table. “What happened to make Ponyville ‘lighten up’ as the saying goes?”

“A whole lotta freaky-deaky stuff, that’s what happened,” Pinkie replied, exasperated. She began listing off examples. “Let’s see, there was the parasprites, the ursa minor, Twilight’s 'Want It Need It' spell, the time I cloned myself en masse, Trixie and the Alicorn Amulet, Twilight’s Cutie Mark screw-up, the plunder vines, Tirek’s rampage, and I stopped keeping track after that last one so there’s probably a few more I’m missing.” Pinkie ended her long-winded list with a gasp of air to fill in the breath she’d been holding.

Geoffrey was speechless as a result of her revelation, his mouth hanging open dumbly as his eyes widened like saucers. Pinkie noticed this, and asked, “Are you all right, Geoffrey? Oh my gosh, I didn’t break you, did I!? Shoot! Mrs. Cake, get the paddle!”

“I’m⋯fine, Pinkie,” Geoffrey said. His features relaxed a bit, and he proceeded to soothingly rub his temples. “I just⋯never would’ve thought so many incidents could occur to a single town, much less one as isolated as Ponyville.”

“What’s even weirder is that it didn’t start until after Nightmare Moon’s return, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a really strange coincidence,” Pinkie said. She shrugged. “Anyway, after all those things, Ponyville’s pretty much learned to shrug off and accept anything bizarre and new that happens, unless buildings start blowing up, then they’ll be screaming and running around in circles.”

Geoffrey snorted a laugh in response. “Well then, I suppose I’ll have to make Ponyville a frequent stop in my travels.”

“Really!? That’s so cool! I need to⋯” Pinkie stopped herself when a sudden realization crossed her mind, and she gasped loudly. “Oh my gosh, I just remembered why I invited you over! I need to know what you and Bridgette want your obligatory ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party to be like!” Reaching into her mane, Pinkie pulled out a notepad and pen. “Now, what’s your guys’ favorite color streamer?”

Geoffrey blinked in surprise at the sudden topic change, then shook his head and spoke.

“I assure you, Miss Pinkie, that there’s no need for a welcome party.” He smiled. “Just the simple fact that we’re not being seen in a negative light is enough of a welcome for us.” He tapped his chin. Granted, they don’t know about my machinegun and dynamite.

“Aww,” Pinkie pouted. “Well⋯okay, I guess, if you really don’t need it.” She stashed the notepad and pen back into her mane.

Geoffrey laughed. “Trust me, I’m more than satisfied with my experience here.” Suddenly, his watch began beeping. Bringing it up to his face, Geoffrey’s eyes practically bugged out of his head. “Bloody feathers, that’s the time!?”

“What’s wrong, Geoffrey?” Pinkie asked.

Geoffrey sighed and stood out of his chair. “My apologies, Miss Pinkie, but I’m needed for a very important date right now.”

“Oooh, really?” Pinkie asked. “Who’s the velocirapette you’re dating?”

“‘Velocirapette’ isn’t a word, Pinkie,” Geoffrey stated, rolling his eyes with a smile. “And the kind of date I’m referring to isn’t the romantic kind, but nonetheless I mustn't be late for it.”

“I’m sad to see you go so soon,” Pinkie said, her eyes downcast as she frowned before perking up a bit. “But, I’ll look forward to whenever you decide to drop by. There’s so many things I didn't get to show you, and so many ponies you just have to meet.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Geoffrey replied, winking at her. He pushed his chair in and headed over to Bridgette, waving behind him at Pinkie on the way. “Bye, Pinkie.”

Pinkie waved back. “Bye Geoffrey. Bye Bridgette.”

Geoffrey whistled once, instantly getting Bridgette’s attention, and she positioned herself so Geoffrey could straddle her comfortably. Once Geoffrey had mounted her, he reached into his trenchcoat and pulled out both his machinegun and a stack of dynamite.

“Tally-ho!” he called with unbridled enthusiasm.

Bridgette reared back and, in a blatant disregard for both biology and physics, rocketed outside through the bakery’s entrance. They continued onward down Ponyville's main street, ponies dodging out of their way as they careened through town.

Pinkie stared at their retreating forms for a few seconds, feeling the warmth of friendship spread through her heart, which was joined by a soft pressure on her leg. Lifting it up, she saw that it was Gummy biting her again.

“I know, Gummy,” she said, lifting her gaze back to the doors, a wistful smile crossing her muzzle, “I’m anxious for them to come back too.”