Man, Equestria Is Weird Sometimes
“Um… Mister Night Light?” Cadance put down her teacup and looked at her father-in-law. They were in a place called the Crystal Café, because crystal ponies had exactly the amount of imagination one would expect from a bunch of walking, translucent rocks. At least the drinks were fine. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You just did!” Night Light replied, smiling. “But you can ask me another one anyway, if you want.”
Cadance smiled back and took a peek around. The Crystal Café was almost completely full, the sound of ponies talking and ordering drinks creating a cozy atmosphere that also happened to be loud as heck. Perfect for a private talk. “I’m going to be honest,” she said, looking back at Night Light, “I asked you to take a walk with me for a reason.”
Night Light arched an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes.” She sighed. “I think of you as a father, Mister Night Light, and—”
“Oh, you do?” Night Light beamed. “That’s amazing! No need to call me Mister Night Light then! I can go by Mister Dad if you want.”
Silence.
“…That would be unnecessarily creepy, so no, thanks.”
“Well, it was worth a try.”
Cadance waved a hoof. “The thing is, well, being a princess makes it surprisingly hard to ask for advice. Or for anything, really. They always think I’m being rhetorical and wise like my aunt, and after a thousand years of slavery my subjects are not really good with existential crises.”
Night Light frowned. “Huh. That explains the waiter’s behavior five minutes ago.”
“Oh, hello, Princess! And companion, of course.” He nodded at Night Light. “It’s always an honor to have you here!”
“Hahah. Yeah.” Night Light grinned. “I’m pretty awesome.”
The waiter nodded. “What would you like to drink?”
“Hmmm…” Cadance frowned and tapped her chin twice. “Do you have tea?”
Silence. Then the waiter became wide–eyed. “Do we? Can we have tea? Can a pony truly have anything?! OR IS IT ALL A LIE WE TELL TO OURSELVES TO ESCAPE FROM THE ABSURD REALITY OF OUR LIVES?! WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING AND ONE DAY WE WILL BE ALL DEAD!”
“I just wanted to know if you serve tea, or—”
“I’M NOT READY TO DIE YET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—”
Night Light squinted. “I wonder where he went,” he said. “Fella was fast.”
“He probably ran back home to stare at the mirror and cry whimsically for a couple hours,” Cadance said. “They always do that.”
“You should ask them not to,” Night Light said. “I’m pretty sure it would work.”
“Ask them not to what, exactly?”
“To stop having existential crisis every time you ask them something.” Night Light smiled. “I’m sure it will work!”
“I think their heads will explode, rather.”
“Only one way to find out!”
Cadance rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she said, “I need some advice, and I think you’re an excellent role model, so…”
“Of course! Say whatever you want!” Night Light winked at her. “I’m at your disposal!”
Cadance chuckled. “I’m glad!”
“So, what did you want to ask?”
“Well…” Cadance frowned. “I guess both you and Twilight Velvet know that Shining and I are thinking about having a foal, right?”
Silence.
Night Light blinked. “Oh my. Really?”
“Well, yes. We’re already married, after all.”
“Huh. Grandchildren.” Night Light took a sip of his tea. “That would make me a grandfather. It’s… Well, I’ll be incredibly happy for you, I guess!”
Cadance smiled. “Thanks.”
“Will the foal call me Mister Granddaddy?”
“…No.”
“Worth a try. So!” Night Light clapped twice. “A child! Those are great news! Have you told anypony else? Or I’m the first one?”
Cadance licked her lips. “I tried to tell Twilight,” she said.
“Hey, Twilight! I need to tell you something!”
“Does that something have anything to do with you having sex with my brother?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, not listening.”
“Well, to be honest, you are a little bit monothematic, Cadance.” Night Light shook his head. “I guess it helps avoiding awkward silences, but I have to say that Velvet’s birthday dinner was a little bit uncomfortable this year.”
“Ah.” Cadance blinked. “Talking about Twilight and her inexplicable lack of will to hear me talk about my extremely traumatizing intimate stories with her brother—where is she?” She took another sip of her tea. “Velvet said she couldn’t come, but you never really explained why.”
“We don’t really know the reason,” Night Light said, shrugging. “Princess Celestia sent her a letter while Twilight was staying with us. Apparently the princess is very busy, and she had to talk with Twily as soon as possible. It was now or never.”
“Oh, so she’s staying with my aunt?” Cadance frowned. “Wow. I wonder what they’ll talk about.”
“Twilight,” Princess Celestia said the moment Twilight opened the door to her chambers, a warm smile on her face, “I’m glad you could come today. I’m really sorry you had to postpone your visit to the Crystal Empire for this. I know you wanted to see your sister-in-law again.” She lowered her head. “I hope you can forgive me.”
“Oh, no, no, you don’t need to worry, Princess!” Twilight ran towards Celestia and gave her that awkward kind of wing-hug that always seemed to be too intimate or way not intimate enough, depending on the situation. “It’s no big deal, it’s only Cadance! Whatever you have to say, no matter how trivial, is far more important.”
Cadance blinked. “Oh. Weird.”
Night Light frowned. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know, but for some reason I feel extremely insulted right now.”
“I’m glad you think that way, Twilight,” Celestia said, letting her go. “I too think this is more important than anything Cadance has to offer, if you excuse my boldness.”
“No, seriously. Offendedness levels through the roof here.”
“What’s happening, Princess? Why did you call me here today?” Twilight frowned a little. “Is anything threatening Equestria again? It’s been a while since that happened.”
“Twilight, it’s been less than two weeks.”
“Which means the next threat is running thirteen days late.” Twilight squinted. “We can’t let our guard down.”
Celestia sighed. “Worry not, Twilight. There’s no threat towards Equestria.”
“Yet.”
“Yet,” Celestia said, nodding. “No, this is a conversation about you, and about what it means to be a princess as well.”
Twilight blinked. “Oh,” she muttered. “I see.”
“I thought it was about time we had this discussion,” Celestia said, looking at the window. “Cadance is the one who gave me the idea, actually.”
“She did?” Twilight asked, cocking her head to the left. “How so?”
“She spent three hours talking about how she was going to have sex with your brother in the most detailed and traumatizing way possible.”
Twilight blinked, then slowly smacked her own forehead. “Yes, she does that a lot.”
“And after hearing that, I immediately knew I had to talk to you,” Celestia said.
Silence.
“Wait,” Twilight said, “are you going to talk about having sex with my brother too, Princess? Because if that’s the case I would prefer to skip the conversation entirely.”
Celestia shook her head. “I swear I won’t mention your brother’s nether regions at all, Twilight.”
“Dear heavens, that’s the most reassuring thing I’ve heard in ages,” Twilight said, sighing. “Having a sister-in-law that bears the title of Princess of Love is way tougher than expected.”
Celestia smiled. “I know.”
“Well, I guess she’s your niece after all,” Twilight said, “but being in my position—”
“Twilight,” Celestia interrupted, raising a hoof, “believe me: I know.”
"Good morning, Luna," Celestia said with a smile when her sister opened the door. "How was your night?"
"Ugh, horrible." Luna shook her head. "I had the worst nightmare ever."
Celestia blinked. "Really?"
"Yes. We need better prostitutes, sister."
“Sisterhood is way harder to bear than what I thought at first,” Celestia said. “I can’t put into words how happy I am Luna is back with us, but now and then I remember why I sent her to the moon in the first place.”
“Because she wanted to kill everypony?”
“…Let’s go with that, yes.” Celestia shook her head. “However, we’re not here to talk about our siblings’ uncomfortably public and detailed intimate life, but about you. More specifically, about your leg.”
Silence.
Twilight blinked. “My leg?”
“Your leg.” Celestia pointed at Twilight's front left leg. "That one. It will probably fall off in a month or so."
Silence.
"What?!"
Celestia smiled. "But don't worry, Twilight; it will grow back."
Twilight frowned and looked at her leg. “…It will?" she said.
Celestia nodded. "Of course. And the leg will grow a new Twilight."
Silence.
"What?!"
"Asexual reproduction," Celestia said, that warm smile of hers still on her face. "I'm pretty sure you know how it works. You'll get a new you!"
Twilight made the exact same face one would make after discovering a leg can grow a new you. It’s not a situation that allows many comparisons. "You... you're being serious?!"
"Of course."
"You mean I'm like some sort of...” Twilight blinked. “I'm a starfish pony?!"
"What?" Celestia frowned. "Well, not really. You have almost nothing to do with ponies anymore. You're a pony-shaped starfish, rather." She nodded. "It's not the same."
"But...! Do you mean this happens to you too, or...?"
"Hmm?" Celestia nodded again. "Yes. Just make sure to drop the leg in a pit of acid or something and it will do the job." She shrugged. "Or, well, you can keep it, it's your choice. Cadance's live in her castle, for example. Luna likes to force hers to fight each other to see who becomes the alpha. It's about choices."
Twilight didn't say anything. She just stood there, staring at Celestia in disbelief.
"You can still reproduce the pony way, of course, but it will take you a lot of tries," Celestia continued. "And only if both you and your partner really want it. You know, magic and whatnot."
Silence.
"That's... That's a lot to take in," Twilight said. "And... You said that Cadance has to go through this too? That means Shining Armor..."
"...lives constantly surrounded by a harem made out of multiple clones of his insanely hot wife, and he will never get her pregnant unless he tries a lot and feels like having one, yes," Celestia said.
Night Light’s ears perked up. “Huh,” he said. “That’s rare.”
“What’s the matter?” Cadance asked. “You’re feeling insulted too?”
“No.” Night Light frowned. “But for some reason, I really feel like hoof bumping my son right now.”
“That’s weird indeed.”
“Anyway, we got sidetracked,” Night Light said, taking another sip of his tea. “You said you want children, and you want to ask me for advice?”
“Yes,” Cadance said, nodding. “Shining and I are thinking about it, and seeing how our nights go, the moment we make the final choice I’m getting so pregnant I’ll make all bunnies on Equestria jealous, because, hah, Shining sure knows how to sh—”
“Cadance?” Night Light interrupted.
“Yes?”
“No need for details.”
“Oh. Sorry.” Cadance shook her head. “Anyway, yes. Children. We’re talking about children, not children-making.”
“A huge difference.”
“To be honest, I’m a little nervous about the whole issue,” Cadance said, blushing a little. “Having a foal is a big responsibility. That’s why I think you’re the best one to ask for advice on this matter. After all, the two children you fathered have turned into royals on their own, so you had to do something incredibly right while raising them.”
“I’m pretty sure your foal won’t have any trouble turning into royalty,” Night Light said.
“By blood, yes.” Cadance sighed. “But I have so many doubts! For example: how did you manage to name Twilight and Shining so well?”
Night Light blinked. “What? Name?”
“Yes!” Cadance nodded. “I mean, I like my name, but… Mi Amore Cadenza? It doesn’t really sound like I’m a pony, does it?”
“It… does sound more like the name of a yacht, yes,” Night Light said. “In fact, when Shining first told us about you we thought he had suddenly become enamored with the idea of being a sailor.” He frowned. “Made the sex talk unnecessarily awkward, if you ask me.”
“See? Nothing but trouble. That’s why I prefer ‘Cadance’.” Cadance sighed. “But Twilight and Shining have such amazing names!” She smiled and rested her head on her hooves, her smile like that of a poet’s that just discovered he’s rich so he doesn’t need to write poetry anymore. “‘Twilight Sparkle’ is poetic, and thoughtful, and wonderful, and makes you think about magic—just like Twilight herself! And Shining Armor has rescued me many times, and he didn’t just wear the golden armor—he turned into the Captain of the Royal Guard!”
“Hmm…” Night Light took a sip of his tea. “I guess you’re right.”
“And it’s not just a matter of looking for a pony-sounding name,” Cadance continued. “It has to do something with the pony, but how can you do that if the poor thing is not even born? I know a lot of ponies who have that problem, and it looks like a horrible thing to bear.”
Night Light blinked. “You do?”
“Yes.” Cadance nodded. “I even asked some of them about it.”
“Mister Fancy Pants?” Cadance frowned as she looked at the stallion. “If you don’t mind my asking, how come you never wear pants when your name is, well, ‘Fancy Pants’?”
Fancy Pants squinted. “Because I don’t believe in fate, or destiny, or any idea that implies I’m not in absolute control of my own life, choices, or ideas.” He turned around and looked at his flank. “Also, because hiding my buttocks behind some trousers would be nothing less than a crime, my dear! Have you seen those things?!”
“He was clearly traumatized about it.”
“I don’t know, it sounds like he was just proud of his flank.” Night Light arched an eyebrow. “And to be honest? Any self-respecting stallion should do the same. Love your life, love your family, and love your butt. That’s my motto!”
“I guess that explains why it’s written on your front door with glowing letters,” Cadance said. “I always wondered how Twilight Velvet reacted when she saw them for the first time.”
“And this will be our new house!” Night Light said, pointing at the building he had bought with all his savings. “What do you think, honey? Amazing, isn’t it?” He elbowed Twilight Velvet. “Eh? Eh?”
Silence.
Velvet squinted. “I’ve been married to you for fifteen minutes and I’m already regretting it.”
“Joke’s on her, we had been married for three months by then!” Night Light said, grinning. “She didn’t notice because she was too busy writing a book at the time.”
Silence.
“…Twilight Velvet sounds like an, uh, interesting partner,” Cadance said.
“Oh, it’s like being married to a cat: she ignores you, attacks you for no reason now and then, and whenever she wants to snuggle she tries to make it look like she was just in the same room as you by chance.” Night Light smiled. “I find it adorable!”
Silence.
“…I see.” Cadance looked to the side. “Anyway, even if Fancy Pants is proud of his, ah, nether parts, that still doesn’t change the fact that his name doesn’t really fit him.”
“It doesn’t,” Night Light admitted. “Although I never thought about it, to be honest.”
“So, how did you do it?” Cadance asked. “How did you choose such good names for your children?”
“Well, to be honest?” Night Light shrugged. “We didn’t do anything. We didn’t really know what to name them. We just used something related to the baby in some way. For example, for Twilight…”
“Night Light?” Velvet said, walking into the kitchen and poking her husband on the side. “I think we should go to the hospital.”
“Uh?” Night Light shifted a pan away from the fire and untied his apron. “How so? Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to call a cab so you don’t need to walk? We can leave Shining with the neighbours if you feel like we’re going to spend the night in there.”
“No, no, that’s not it.” Velvet frowned and pointed at her stomach. “I think I’m pregnant.”
Silence.
“Well.” Night Light blinked. “That’s a big one.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Not really, but when I got up this morning I felt a little more pregnant than usual.” Twilight Velvet shrugged. “It’s a hunch.”
“So you think you’re a little pregnant, then?”
“Yeah.”
“Huh.” Night Light threw his apron over his shoulder, turned off the fire, and grabbed Twilight Velvet by the shoulder. “To the hospital then. Shining! Come here, we have to take a cab!”
An hour later, they were talking with a doctor. He was a white unicorn, wearing a white robe. “Ah, a family of unicorns?” he asked, smiling. His teeth were also white. He was probably invisible in the snow. “That will make things much easier!”
“Oh?” Night Light arched an eyebrow. “It will?”
“Indeed! We got a new machine the other day that allows us to detect the magic of unicorn fetuses.” The doctor smiled. “Seeing how you’re all unicorns, we can detect if there’s another source of magic inside of you, ma’am. It will only take a couple minutes.”
A pause.
“Well, in the best case scenario, I guess. I’m not going to lie: your child could be anything. Pony genes make absolutely no sense. The other day I helped give birth to a griffon, and his parents were a unicorn and a donkey, so there’s that.”
The machine was a giant white thing with a lot of beeping lights, wires, buttons, and little screens everywhere. It looked ominous.
“It looks ominous,” Shining Armor said.
“Sssh. Don’t state the obvious, dear,” Night Light said, patting his son’s head. “Anyway, is that the machine?”
“Yes! Ma’am, do you mind coming here? Thanks. Anyway, we get this electrode and put it here…” he did as he said, gluing the sensor on Velvet’s stomach, “and this one here… and this one… And now we’re done!”
Velvet looked down. “Weird,” she said. “I feel like a robot.”
“It’s just three electrodes, ma’am. Robots have at least four of them.” The doctor’s horn glimmered and he shot a small, green ray at the machine, which started buzzing. “Okay, now the machine will read your magic, ma’am…”
The machine went ding.
“…And now,” the doctor continued, “it will try to look for another magic source. Usually unicorn fetuses have barely any magic, but the machine is very sensible, so in fifteen minutes we should—”
The machine went ding again.
Silence.
The doctor blinked. “Well, that was fast,” he said. “You got lucky today, ma’am! The machine detected the magic pretty quickly!”
“So then I’m pregnant?” Velvet asked. “I knew it.”
“Yes, you—”
The machine went ding again, only this time it was louder.
More silence.
“…Does that mean two foals?” Night Light asked. “Because that would be pretty big.”
“Two foals?” Shining Armor frowned. “Won’t they cry a lot?”
“I was thinking about that, yes.”
“It doesn’t mean two foals,” the doctor said, frowning. “It gives a different sound every time it detects a different source of magic. I… I honestly don’t really know what to—”
The machine went ding again.
Shining Armor blinked. “The babies are multiplying!” he said, poking his father’s leg. “Dad! Do something!”
“Okay,” the doctor said, “this is definitely weird, and maybe we should start getting a little worr—”
The machine went ding one more time. Far louder.
“So I’m pregnant or what?”
“Ma’am, apparently you’re very pregnant, and I think we should get you away from that thing,” the doctor said. “Either it’s faulty, or you’re so pregnant you’re off the charts.”
Night Light frowned. “Honey? Should I feel proud of that comment?”
Velvet raised an eyebrow. “Are you gonna give birth to it?”
“No.”
“Then you can’t.”
“Okay, that makes sense.”
The machine went ding. And then it went ding again. And once more. It was louder than a church bell now.
“Mom, stop being so pregnant! You’ll break the machine!”
“Shiny, believe me: if I could, I would.”
“Ooookay, the machine is definitely broken, and we should—”
DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING—
“—RUUUUUUUN!”
Luckily for them, Velvet could take the electrodes off and run away before the wires started sparkling, which is something wires should never do. And it’s not like they were stopping either—in fact, there were more and more little sparks everywhere, and the machine got hotter and hotter, dinging through it all…
Until it finally exploded and destroyed half the room.
Taking cover under a table in the corridor, Shining Armor looked at Twilight Velvet with a horrified expression. “Just how much pregnant are you, mom?” he whispered.
“…So that’s the story,” Night Light finished, taking another sip of tea. “The ‘Twilight’ part comes from her mother, of course. The guy at the Canterlot Names Archive said ‘Twilight Explosion’ was already taken, so we went with the second most logical option.”
“Huh.” Cadance blinked twice. “That… That wasn’t the kind of story I was expecting, actually.”
“I guess little Twilight had far more magic than expected,” Night Light said, shrugging. “Makes sense, seeing how she is now, right?”
“Yes…” Cadance looked at her teacup, and then back at Night Light again. “So it was a coincidence?”
“Eeyup. Sorry, but I can’t really give you any advice here.”
“Hm.” Cadance arched an eyebrow. “And what about Shining Armor? Was it a coincidence too?”
“Uuuuuuh…” Night Light ran a hoof through his mane. “Well, yes. Kind of. The story is a little different, though.”
“Hey, honey! Look at what I found!” Night Light said, opening the door of Twilight Velvet’s office. “It’s that old Royal Guard Nightmare Night costume from five years ago!”
Twilight Velvet didn’t even bother looking up from her typewriter. “I spent that Nightmare Night with my mother, Night Light.”
“Oh, you’re right.” Night Light walked towards Velvet. “But look! It still fits! Although it’s a little tight on the shoulders.
Velvet sighed and finally gave a look at her husband.
Then she looked back at the typewriter.
Silence.
She looked back at Night Light, her eyes the size of plates. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out of it.
“What do you think?” Night Light asked, turning around and showing Velvet his flank. “It even has tail decorations! My friends used to tell me it made my butt look amazing. Although it’s a bit warmer than I thought, I’m sweating a lot.” He flexed his back legs a little, his muscles tightening and relaxing in an almost hypnotic way. “Aaaah, that’s better.”
Velvet had still the same expression.
Night Light frowned. “Honey? Are you okay?”
“Take me,” Velvet whispered.
“What?”
PLAF!
“Woah!” Night Light yelped as Velvet tackled him to the floor. “Hey! What was that for?! Wow, wow, wow! What are you doing?! That’s not how that part is supposed to be—oh. Oh, hey. That’s actually pretty nice!”
“Aaaaand that was the night Shining Armor was conceived.” Night Light shrugged. “Now I put the shining armor on every Hearts and Hooves day. Still works as a charm.”
Cadance squinted. “…Did you just describe your own muscles as ‘hypnotic’?”
“I don’t believe in false modesty.”
“Well, that story was, uh, interesting,” Cadance said. “And I think it actually explains a couple things…”
“Cadance!” Shining Armor said, opening the door to their house, “I’m home!”
“Oooooh!” A young Cadance, still a couple years before their wedding, trotted down the stairs to meet her fiancé with a huge smile. “Welcome home! How was your first day as the Captain of the Royal Guard?”
“Great! Although It’s more tiring than what I thought.” Shining sighed and took off the helmet, his mane flowing in the nonexistent wind in what really looked like slow motion. “Aaaaah. That’s better.”
“Huh.” Cadance let a naughty smirk creep on her face. “You know…” she said, slowly leaning against Shining and placing a hoof on his chest, “I really like how this armor looks on you…”
“Uuuuuuh…” Shining Armor gulped and took a step backwards. “Um, can I take it off before we get all lovey-dovey? This is making me feel pretty Freudian right now.” A pause. “And I don’t even know what that means.”
“Oh, dear," Cadance said, right before leaning in for the kiss, “that makes it even hotter.”
“Cadance?” Night Light interrupted.
“Yes?”
“What did I tell you about stories involving sex and my son?”
“Oh.” Cadance blinked. “Oh, my. I did it again?”
“Yes.”
“Oooopsie. Sorry.” Cadance coughed. “So… You can’t really tell me anything about the names, then?”
“Sorry, but I don’t think so.” Night Light shrugged. “Look, the names of your children are a very personal thing. Both Velvet and I did what felt natural. The moment you see the foal, you just… know it.” He chuckled. “It sounds cheesy, I know, but being a parent means being cheesy now and then.”
“I’m going to be honest: that would be far more beautiful if it wasn’t by the fact that you named your son after your favorite sex toy.”
“And judging by how you speak about your daily life, naming my son after a sex toy was so spot-on that it actually scares me,” Night Light said.
Silence.
Cadance chuckled, took her teacup and raised it. “Touché,” she said.
And they had a toast.
“Ah.” Night Light looked at his teacup after drinking from it. “I finished it.”
“Me too,” Cadance said. “Shall we ask for another round?”
“Of course. My treat,” Night Light said. He looked around, squinting a little. “Do you see any waiter?”
“Hmm…” Cadance got up from her chair and raised a hoof. “Ah! There! Excuse me!”
The waiter, a green crystal stallion, trotted there immediately. “Yes, princess?” He nodded at Night Light. “And companion.”
“Um, could you please bring us another chamomile tea? And… Black tea, right, Mister Night Light?”
“Indeed!” Night Light said.
“That! Can you—” Cadance blinked. The waiter was trembling, and his eyes were open wide. He was whispering something impossible to understand. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”
“Cadance!” Night Light said, poking her shoulder. “Remember! Ask him not to!”
Cadance blinked. “What?”
“I… C-can I bring you that? Can anypony really do anything?” The waiter grabbed his head. “Or is everything an illusion?! LIFE HAS NO MEA—”
“Ah! Right.” Cadence tapped the waiter’s head. “Um, excuse me? Can you… Can you, uh, not have an existential crisis right now? Please?”
Absolute silence.
The waiter stopped trembling immediately. Slowly, very slowly, he released his head and closed his eyes, then took a deep breath.
There was another pause.
“Better?” Night Light asked.
“…Yes,” the waiter said, his voice weak as a fallen leaf in autumn. Then he cleared his throat and repeated, “yes,” this time louder.
“Good!” Night Light smiled. “Now, can you bring us our drinks?”
“Of course, sir. Princess.” He nodded at Cadance. “If you excuse me.”
Night Light and Cadance watched him go. He walked funny, but otherwise he looked quite okay.
“Well,” Cadance said after a couple seconds, “that was actually amazing. Thanks, Mister Night Light.”
“Oh, you’re welcome.” Night Light chuckled. “You’d be surprised at how much can a simple polite question do—”
BANG!
Both Night Light, Cadance, and every single pony in the cafe yelped at the sudden sound, and at the same time many pieces of glass flew in all directions, covering a small part of the floor.
“Don’t worry!” one of the waiters said, carrying a sweeper, “don’t worry! The head of one of our waiters just exploded, it’s nothing to worry about! We’ll clean this mess immediately! Sorry for the inconvenience!”
Cadance sighed. “Well, I guess that didn’t really wo—woah! Mister Night Light, are you okay?!”
Night Light gulped. His face was pale as can be, and his pupils were the size of peas. “Well,” he muttered, “that was, ah, pretty traumatic, I think.”
“What? It was just a pony exploding.” Cadance frowned. “He’ll be better in a couple days.”
A pause.
“He will?”
“Yes. As long as they get most of the pieces, anyway.” Cadance waved a hoof. “This happens all the time. They’re made of crystal—they’re bound to break now and then, so don’t worry. Nothing bad happened.”
“Phew.” Night Light rested his head on his hooves. “Dear Celestia, that really scared me.”
Silence.
“Wait, does that mean we need to ask for tea again?”
“I think so.”
“Huh.” Night Light frowned. “Well, let’s try not to accidentally destroy one of your subjects in the most gruesome way imaginable this time.”
“That’s what I tell myself every morning, and yet here we are.”
Author's Note
That waiter had an existeantial crisis.
But Then Again, That's Why We Like It So Much
“So. The crystal ponies explode.” Night Light took a sip of his tea, which had thankfully been brought without any kind of crystal pony casualty this time. “That’s something I didn’t know.”
“They don’t really talk about it, I think,” Cadance said, looking at the waiters clean up the crystal mess they’ve caused. “I for sure didn’t know it when I came here.”
“And how did you find out?”
“Well…”
“Now, I know this looks bad, and I know that you’re mad,” Shining Armor said, frowning at the crystal mess on their bedroom floor, “but you have to understand: we were playing hoofball. I always noogie my friends after playing hoofball. It’s a tradition!”
“Shining. There were three guards in here.”
“Well, yes.” Shining Armor nodded. “Yes. But, like, after the first guard exploded, I thought ‘woah, that was weird! I gotta make sure the noogie is not what killed him!’ and then…”
Silence.
Cadance squinted. “What about the third one?”
“Eh, I didn’t really like him that much, to be honest. Do you think our toilet can flush this mess down?”
Night Light blinked. “Wow.”
“I know.” Cadance sighed. “I love Shining Armor with all my heart, but he can be a little bit of a doofus now and then.”
“I was actually surprised at how you’d managed to tell a story involving him that doesn’t turn into a sex tale at some point.”
“If it’s of any consolation, the make-up sex afterwards was amazing, if only—”
“Okay, this time it was my fault. I mentioned it first,” Night Light interrupted. “Still, please?”
“Oh.” Cadance covered her mouth with a hoof. “Sorry.”
“Anyway, that’s how you discovered the crystal ponies can break easily, but how did you notice they got better?”
“Well, they appeared in the sewers after two days or so,” Cadance said, shrugging. “We asked them, and one actually managed to answer before running away to cry in front of his mirror.”
“Oh, right. They do that.”
“So that’s the story.” Cadance sighed. “Now, the make-up sex was amazing—”
Night Light rolled his eyes.
“—but it took me a while to forgive him.” She frowned. “Which actually worries me a little.”
Night Light smiled. “Cadance, it’s perfectly natural for a married couple to argue now and then,” he said. “I think it’s healthy, too. As long as you know how to forgive and let it go, of course.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Cadance replied. “Velvet and you are amazing! I’ve never seen you argue! Whereas Shining and I…” She bit her lip. “I love him dearly, but… Maybe we are a little too quirky to raise a foal properly. We’re not a normal couple, after all…”
“Cadance.” Night Light frowned and grabbed her hoof. “Listen to me: there’s nothing wrong with being both quirky and a parent. Absolutely nothing wrong.”
“But—”
“Look at me in the eye and tell me Twilight Velvet isn’t quirky.”
Silence.
Night Light let Cadance’s hoof go and shook his head. “The important thing is that you and Shining Armor love each other. And, uh, love the kid. That’s important too, of course. A couple fights are not going to destroy a foal’s childhood.”
“But…” Cadance sighed. “What if we’re not able to do anything?”
“I actually asked myself the same for a long time,” Night Light said. “Did you know that Twilight Velvet didn’t want any children?”
Cadance blinked. “She didn’t?”
“No. At least when we were younger.” Night Light shrugged and took another sip of tea. “I think it has to do with the way we met for the first time.”
It was a chilly autumn morning, the kind of morning that gets drunk poets misty-eyed and drunk musicians even more drunk. The sky was blue, the clouds were white, the sun was yellow, and overall everything was colored the same way as usual.
“I’m gonna be honest: I never understood why Velvet starts all her books with the words ‘the sky was blue’. Kind of obvious, if you ask me.”
It was, then, a very beautiful morning. However, nopony really cared about how pretty it was, because that morning just happened to be a Monday, and seeing how Mondays were and still are the most hated thing ever, the mood was kind of gloomy.
A teenaged Twilight Velvet wasn’t moody at all, though. The moment she opened the door of her house and stepped outside, the chilly breeze that’s been mentioned before ran through her mane, causing it to dance a little. She took a deep breath and, for once, faced the world with a smile.
She made sure she was carrying her saddlebags and then walked down the street towards Canterlot High School, humming a happy melody under her breath, ready to ignore her teachers for six hours straight…
And then a random filly carrying a baseball bat in her mouth appeared out of nowhere and hit her on the right front kneecap.
CRACK!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Twilight Velvet fell to the ground, still screaming and grabbing her leg, and the unknown, random filly ran away, her daily jerk quota filled, never to be seen again.
It was poetic, in a sense. But of course, Velvet didn’t see it that way.
“YOU UNF—nope, not repeating what she said here—ING BRAT, I SWEAR TO CELESTIA THAT I’M GOING TO FIND YOU, YOU F—you get the idea—TUPENDOUS SACK OF RA—uh-huh—S WITH GUACAMOLE, AND THEN I’LL SK—no, I’m not going to finish this one either—N YOU AND BREAK YOUR LUNGS WITH A POINTY STICK, YOU D—why I’m still explaining this? Well, if we’ve got this far—FLANNIGAN NIPPLE!”
A pause.
“WITH ONIONS AND A PINCH OF BEER, YOU PYRRHIC SON OF A F—yuck—R! STUPID BRAT! CELESTIA, MY KNEECAP HURTS!”
“It was truly a magical moment,” Night Light finished with a sigh, his eyes dozing in the distance.
Silence.
“Uh…” Cadance frowned. “You… You just described your wife being assaulted.”
“Hmm?”
“Wasn’t this the story of how you met her?”
“Oh. Yeah, you’re right.”
And while Velvet was swearing like a sailor that just realized her ship was both sinking and on fire, a young Night Light was standing just a couple meters away, completely dumbfounded by the screaming mare.
After fifteen minutes of non-stop insulting, he finally shook his head and walked towards her. “Um, excuse me?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!”
“And your name is?”
“WHY IN EQUESTRIA WOULD YOU EVEN CARE FOR THAT?! HELP ME UP!”
“Hmm.” He squinted. “Your bag says ‘Twilight Velvet’. Is that you?”
“NO, IT’S THE FREAKING NAME OF MY BAG, YOU SEE?!”
“What a pretty name for a bag! You have good taste,” he said. “Anyway, you have a very good vocabulary! You should become a writer.” Then he frowned and checked his watch. “Woah, I’m running late. See ya!”
“WAIT! HEY! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE! I CAN’T WALK ON MY OWN!”
And then Night Light walked away.
Silence.
“YOU SON OF A WH—”
“Oh, it was love at first sight,” Night Light said, smiling. “I fell for her the moment I laid my eyes on her rude, swearing, psychopathic figure.”
Silence.
“…Pretty sure she’s the one who fell,” Cadance said. “Down. Hard. You seriously didn’t help her?”
“Well, I was running late.”
“But you said you fell in love with her!”
“Yes. I was still running late.”
“But…” Cadance massaged her forehead. “But she was helpless and alone! She couldn’t get up on her own! It was your duty as her beloved to do some—”
“Hey, hey, hey, I wasn’t her beloved anything yet,” Night Light said. “Plus, it’s not like she had to remain like that for days, you know? Her mother saw her and helped her just four hours later.”
Silence.
“Four hours later,” Cadance repeated. “Just… just four hours later.”
“Yes!”
“Your mother-in-law never liked you that much, did she?”
“To be honest, she didn’t.” Night Light frowned. “In fact, I’m pretty sure she hated me. I always wondered why. How did you know?”
Cadance smiled. “You know what? Let’s call feminine intuition on that one.”
“Fair enough!”
“So, that’s how you met Velvet. What happened afterwards?”
Night Light grinned. “I was… Well, I still am, but you know what I mean. I was two years older than her, but we still went to the same high school, so it was easy for me to find her again. Then I learned that Twilight Velvet was not the name of her bag, which was quite a surprise.”
“And she was okay with you?” Cadance blinked. “Uh—I mean, of course she was, you’re married! But… But you left her alone in the street? With an injured kneecap? How could she get along with you after that?”
Night Light shrugged. “I never said she did. Velvet didn’t break her knee, but it sure hurt a ton. I know because she never stopped talking about it.” He took another sip and smiled. “Ah… Her face was so cute while she insulted me. Like an adorable puppy trying to tear your eyes away.”
“She… insulted you?”
“Oh, all the time.” Night Light chuckled. “When I saw her for the second time and tried to say ‘hi’ she kind of, uh, exploded.”
“Exploded?”
“Oh! It’s the Twilight Velvet bag mare! Hello, how are—”
BOOM!
“Exploded,” Night Light repeated. “My daughter is not the only one with a lot of magic in the family. Too much rage.”
“Oh.”
“I only got hurt a little, though, so I didn’t mind. Plus, chicks dig bandages and minor head traumas.” Night Light shook his head. “And you don’t know what beauty is until you see your future spouse blow up out of pure hatred.”
“How are any of you even alive right now?!”
“Still,” Night Light continued, “after that I figured that not getting close to Velvet would be better. As a rule of thumb, I always try to pick a path with as few explosions as possible, you know?”
“The fact that in your household that’s considered mere common sense makes me wonder about your survival even more, Mister Night Light.”
“Well, Velvet is Twilight’s mother, although thankfully she didn’t inherit her temper.” Night Light shrugged. “So I thought, ‘Night Light, you handsome daredevil, give that mare some space.’”
Cadance sighed and took a sip of tea. “Did it work?”
“Well…”
“Um, excuse me?” The mare opened the door to the classroom. She shot an apologetic glance to the teacher and then looked to the students. “Is Night Light here? Somepony is looking for you.”
“Oh?” Night Light got up and walked to the door. “Who?”
The mare took a step to the side and pointed. “Her.”
“Oh, hey! It’s you! I hadn’t seen you since you explod—”
BOOM!
“Not quite.”
“So she just… exploded all over you again?” Cadance asked. “Is that how she flirts, or…?”
“Goodness, no. She wasn’t flirting.” Night Light frowned. “In fact, I’m positive she wanted to kill me! Or at least that’s what the letters said.”
“Wait.” Cadance blinked. “She wrote to you?”
“Oh, every single day! Death threats, oaths to drink my blood, entire paragraphs questioning the morals of my ancestors… She really wanted to immolate me, but being too close to me was, uh, unstable.” He smirked. “I guess I was too hot for her, huh?”
“…That sounds like the worst love story I’ve ever heard.”
“Really?” Night Light arched an eyebrow. “I think it was beautiful! Her letters kept getting better and better. She even bought a typewriter to write them in a more efficient manner.”
“Dear Celestia, please tell me that’s not the same typewriter she uses for—”
“The one she uses to write her books, exactly!” Night Light said, smiling. “The typewriter that created all those bestsellers was originally purchased because of this guy!”
“Yeah, so she could threaten your life!”
“It’s the thought that counts!”
“The thought is the biggest problem here!”
Night Light waved a hoof. “Well, that’s how you see it!”
Cadance shook her head. “But what happened afterwards?”
“The letters got better, as I said.” Night Light tapped his chin twice. “But mostly because I kept pointing out her mistakes.”
Cadance blinked. “Mistakes?”
“Grammar, pacing… There were some plot holes here and there, too. You know, the usual stuff.” Night Light shrugged. “I had her address, so I just sent her some feedback.”
“How can there be plot holes in a letter that’s filled with death vows?”
“I can’t stress enough how imaginative those vilifications were.” Night Light took another sip of tea. “Truly amazing.”
“Oh dear.” Cadance took a sip of her tea too. “So you just… kept insulting each other.”
“She insulted me. I just told her how to insult me better.” Night Light sighed. “As the years passed by, the letters got longer and longer as well, till the point where it was easier for me to just go to her house and point out the mistakes right away instead of writing another letter.”
“…What about the explosions?”
“Oh, she had forgotten why she was so mad at me by then. In fact, if she hadn’t spent all her free time trying to imagine new and original ways to kill me, I would say we were best friends.”
“That’s… beautiful?”
“Yeah! It really was. I fell more in love with her every day. Eventually, seeing how I spent so much time with her, everypony thought we were a couple, so we became one. It was easier to explain.”
“…Huh.”
“And that’s how I met her!” Night Light said. “Incidentally, it’s also the story of how she wrote her first novel. It was one of the last letters she ever wrote to me, but with a couple name changes.”
The publisher, an old pony with gigantic glasses, squinted at the manuscript Night Light and Twilight Velvet had handed him.
“And…” he eventually said. “And you say the title is…?”
“Hazardous Nipple,” Velvet repeated.
“We wanted a different one at first, but it turned out to be illegal to write it without Princess Celestia granting you special permission.”
The editor frowned. “And the book is about…?”
“A hazardous nipple,” Velvet said.
A pause.
“And friends,” Night Light added.
“It was deemed as truly groundbreaking by the critics. And I think it got two different ponies into the Canterlot Asylum, which I’ve always interpreted as the book having a lot of passion.” Night Light sighed. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?”
Cadance smiled, sighed, and took another sip of tea. “I surrender. You really love her, do you?”
“You’re the Princess of Love,” Night Light said. “You tell me.”
Cadance chuckled uneasily. “I don’t even need my powers to tell that. You’ve made yourself pretty clear.”
“Yes.” Night Light smirked. “Although I guess by your reaction that’s not how normal couples act during the first years of their romance, right? You weren’t like that with Shining Armor?”
“Well…”
“Aaaah, our second date!” Shining Armor couldn’t help but hop a little before ringing the bell to Cadance’s house. “I’m so excited! I hope she likes the flowers!”
After fidgeting nervously for fifteen more minutes, he finally got enough courage to slooooowly approach the bell, and then sloooooowly raise a hoof, and then sloo—
The door opened. A teenage Cadance emerged, her mane braided in a new style, her lips red like cherries. “Hello!”
“Uh. U-uh…” Shining Armor gulped. “Uhm, I brought you flowers!” he said, and then he displayed the bouquet.
“Oh!” She covered her mouth with a hoof. “Lilies! They’re—”
“Your favorites!” Shining interrupted. “You were looking at them the other day, right? They go well with your eyes!”
Silence.
Cadance blinked, then turned around for a second. The house was completely empty.
She looked back at Shining Armor, who was smiling in that goofy way of his. Then she smirked and grabbed him by the shoulders. “C’mere you handsome devil!”
“Wait wha—aaAAAAAH! CADANCE THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH—oh. Oh, hey. That’s actually pretty nice!”
“Not really, no.”
Silence.
“Ah, I did it again!” Cadance smacked her own forehead. “Sorry.”
Night Light sighed. “Don’t worry, child. It’s… I guess I’m used to it by now.” He paused. “I’m used to my daughter-in-law talking about sexing up my son.” Another pause. “Now that’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever say.”
Cadance blushed and looked at her tea. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, don’t worry. He’s just living up to his name, I guess.” Night Light took another sip. “I’m pretty sure you’re not a good example of a normal couple, though.”
Cadance made a pout. “I know, right? We’re… I guess we’re too quirky after all. Our foal…”
“Your foal will have the best house ever to grow up in,” Night Light said, “because I believe my marriage is weirder than yours, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my children.”
“SPIKE!”
“Woah! Twilight, what’s—”
“MY LEG IS GOING TO FALL OFF!”
A pause.
“What do you mean, your leg is going to—”
“IT’S GOING TO FALL OFF AND THEN THERE’LL BE TINY TWILIGHTS EVERYWHERE AND I’M A STARFISH AND I’M FREAKING OUT!”
Another pause.
“I… I honestly don’t know what you want me to do here.”
“AT LEAST FREAK OUT WITH ME OR SOMETHING!”
“Okay, that sounds fair. Ahem. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Yeah…” Night Light frowned. “Huh. Do you know that sensation when you say something—”
“And for some reason it feels ironic?” Cadance interrupted. “Yes, it happened to me a couple times as well.”
“Weird.”
“Indeed.”
“Anyway, as you said yourself, I have to be a kickass parent, because look at what my children have done!” He chuckled. “Shining Armor was Captain of the Royal Guard, and managed to marry the most beautiful princess in the land…”
Cadance blushed. “Oh, you’re just flattering me.”
“…And I think it would actually be easier to say what my little Twily hasn’t done at this point, because I lost track long ago.” He shrugged. “Raising a kid can be tough, yes, but as long as you try your best, there should be no problem. I know you, Cadance, and if even Velvet managed then there’s no way you can’t do it.”
“Ah.” Cadance blinked. “True! You said Velvet didn’t want children, right?”
“Indeed she didn’t,” Night Light said.
“But why?”
A pause.
“A filly almost broke her kneecap when she was a teenager, Cadance.”
“Oh. Oh, right. I guess that would make you hate children, in a sense.”
“It was one of our bigger fights,” Night Light said, looking at the ceiling, “when we discovered that each other wanted the opposite. I always wanted at least two children, you know? A colt and a filly. And Velvet… Velvet didn’t like that at all.”
“Children?” Velvet frowned. “Ugh, no.”
“Oh.” Night Light blinked. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. No children.”
“Really, really sure? Is that decision final?”
“Yes.”
“Huh.” Night Light shrugged. “Well, there’s nothing I can do, I guess. Wanna go watch a movie?”
Night Light shivered. “It was horrible.”
“…How are we even the same species, I wonder.” Cadance muttered.
“I know, I know. It was so brutal.” Night Light sighed. “I eventually gave up, for the sake of our marriage, but it took me a long time.”
“My, yes. It took you, what? Three seconds?”
“Almost four, which is just horrible.” He shrugged. “Knowing when to hold ‘em is one of the first things you need to learn when you’re married, Cadance.”
“Um, darling?” Night Light coughed. “I know you are busy right now with that book of yours, but the, uh, kitchen is kind of on fire and my leg is trapped under some debris. It would be really nice if you, uhm, got up and helped me here. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Mhmm.” Velvet kept typing. “Busy.”
CRACK!
“Oh, dear. A pit of acid just appeared out of nowhere and I’m holding with one hoof for my life. And the fire is not retreating, huh. Would you look at that.”
“Night Light, I seriously need some silence here.”
“Yes, yes, I know. It’s just that, uh, entropy apparently stopped working, so I could die a little sooner than usual.” He blinked. “Hey, there’s a tiger swimming in the acid. A little help, dear?”
“I said SILENCE!”
A pause.
The acid-tiger purred.
“Okay, you did say that.” Night Light said. “Sorry, I’m being selfish here. I’ll try not to disturb you.”
“Good.”
Silence.
“…Velvet might have a little bit of a problem with it, yes,” Night Light said, smiling. “But she’s trying her hardest, and that’s what matters.”
“Seriously, how in Equestria did you manage to have kids with her?” Cadance asked, frowning.
“Well…”
Velvet sighed and pushed the typewriter away. She had been writing for six hours straight, and her eyes hurt like crazy, and she started to feel burnt out.
“Ugh,” she muttered. Her legs were trembling. “Night Light! I’m done!”
Nopony answered. Velvet frowned, got up from the chair, and opened her office’s door. The sound of running water greeted her.
“Night Light!” she repeated. “Hey! Night Light!”
“What?!” Night Light’s voice was muffled. “Honey, I’m in the shower! What’s the matter?”
“I’m done writing for today!”
“Good for you, honey!”
“I feel tired and my leg is trembling!”
“That’s probably because you have too much energy!” Night Light yelled back. “You’re mentally exhausted, but you haven’t moved a lot today! How many coffees did you drink?!”
Velvet frowned. “I don’t know!”
“Well, there’s that!”
“What do I do now?!”
“You should do something that involves moving! Run, clean a room, take a walk! Whatever!” Night Light answered. “You need to use some energy, honey!”
Velvet’s frown got bigger. “Isn’t it kind of late to go take a walk?!”
“Yes, but by the time you come back dinner will be already made! Think about that!”
Silence. Twilight Velvet, stood there, listening to the running water and frowned. “Something that involves moving, huh…” She blinked. “Night Light!” she said as she walked towards the bathroom. “I have an idea!”
“You do?! Good—woah, hey, don’t open the door! I’m taking a shower! What are you—oh. Okay, I get it now. Hahah. Cool.·
CRACK!
“Wait, now there’s a pit of acid here too? This is definitely weird. Velvet, I think we sho—WOAH! Okay, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter!”
“…well, Velvet was never very shy when it came to, uh, certain things, you see. Plus, I already told you about the armor, didn't I?”
Silence.
Cadance frowned. “You know, you didn’t need to tell me about how you and Velvet got intimate in the shower.”
“You’re seriously not going to question the pit of acid?”
“I’m just saying this is the second time a story of yours ended with you having sex with her.”
Night Light blinked. “It is?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. It felt so natural.” He got wide-eyed. “Oh no. Oh, dear Celestia.”
“What?”
“I think it’s contagious!” Night Light ran a hoof through his mane. “Oh dear, now I’m gonna talk about that kind of stuff twentyfour-seven! I don’t want to share details on Velvet’s back legs!”
Velvet blinked and stopped writing for a second. “Weird,” she muttered. “For some reason I feel like my privacy is being invaded. Sort of as if somepony was revealing intimate details about me in a cafeteria.”
“Really? You too?” Shining beamed. “I get that feeling all the time! I was starting to get worried.”
“So… Shining Armor was an accident?” Cadance frowned. “You didn't plan it? Well, I didn’t know that.”
“Hey, I never said—”
“And I don’t really know what to think about Velvet right now,” Cadance interrupted, frowning. She took a sip of tea and made a little pout. “I’ve always respected her, and I know she’s a very intelligent mare, but…” She sighed. “I don’t know.”
Night Light arched an eyebrow. “My Velvet is amazing,” he said.
“Well, yes, I guess.” Cadance looked at him. “But I can’t help but think that Twilight and Shining wouldn’t have been the same without you. I mean, I really like Velvet, but… she’s kind of…”
“She has a strong character,” Night Light said, “but there’s a reason why I fell in love with her, you know?”
“Because she dragged you to bed every two weeks, nature-defying sudden pits of acid disregarded?”
“Hah!” Night Light slammed the table and smirked. “That’s not love, dear. That’s just dangerous entertainment. Love is when you sacrifice things for the other and you don’t even think about it.”
“Yeah…” Cadance sighed. “I know that. It’s just that, well. The picture you’ve painted of your wife…” She waved a hoof. “She’s always writing because it’s her job, I get that, but she seems to be kind of… indifferent about everything that’s not herself.” She frowned. “That doesn’t sound like a good wife. Or a good mother. Or a good pony.”
“Cadance…”
“Which makes me question a lot of things,” Cadance continued, playing with her teacup. “Twilight and Shining Armor are amazing, and apparently they got it all from you. Twilight Velvet is so self-centered she probably didn’t even care for them!” She frowned. “Shining adores her, I know that, but he told me she spent most of his childhood writing. Now I see you’re the only one who took care of him.”
Night Light frowned. “I never said that,” he said. “You’re getting it wrong.”
“Or am I?” Cadance finished her tea with a big gulp. “You know what I’m seeing? That you’re perfect. You’re the perfect parent, and Velvet is not.” She pointed at Night Light. “You’re kind. You always know what to do. You’re stupidly polite. You never get angry! That’s why your children ended up so well! Because they had a clear image of what to do and what not to do! It’s like being raised by an angel and a demon!” She covered her eyes with her hooves. “I can’t do that! I can’t be perfect like you are! Shining Armor has flaws, I have flaws, and any child we raise is going to have a bad life because we’re not good enough! I can’t—”
“Cadance.” Night Light’s voice got cold. Cadance stopped talking immediately and looked at him. “I know that you’re afraid, and I know it’s your insecurities talking, not you, but dear Celestia shut up.”
Silence. Cadance gulped. “Sorry,” she muttered.
“Don’t be.” Night Light looked at his teacup with a little frown and then directed her gaze back at Cadance. “You know, I’m not perfect. And Velvet is an amazing pony. And your child is going to end up perfectly okay.”
“But—”
“And you’re not making any sense, because you first described my marriage as dysfunctional and then you rambled about me being a saint.” Night Light shook his head. “You made me realize something, though, so I guess that’s good. Do you remember what I told you about the names?”
“You improvised them.”
“Yes.” Night Light smiled. “I told you that we had no plan. And that’s the thing. We never knew what we were doing, but that’s how you’re supposed to raise a child. You have no idea.” His eyes sparkled. “The only truly important thing—and I can’t stress this enough—is that you try. Try your hardest. That you love your child, your entire family, and give everything you can give to them.” He took a sip of tea. “And that’s why I love Velvet so much.”
“Night Light,” Velvet said, sitting on the bed and poked her husband on the shoulder. “Night Light. Wake up.”
“Hnnng.” Night Light opened his eyes just enough to look at the clock. “Velvet, it’s four in the morning.”
“I know,” Velvet replied. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Well, I’m glad. I’ve been sleeping. Maybe we should keep things like that.”
“I think we can have children.”
A pause.
Night Light’s sleepiness disappeared. “Wait. What?”
“If I keep writing books, we have enough money,” Velvet said. “And you can take care of them while I write. You don’t have a job.”
“Uh.” Night Light blinked. “I… guess you’re right?”
“Well then.” Velvet got away from the bed. “That’s a deal. I’m going to put out an all-nighter. I want to finish this book as soon as possible.”
“Wait!” Night Light said. Velvet stopped and turned to him. “Honey, are you sure? You don’t like children. You don’t need to—”
Velvet arched an eyebrow. “Will our children destroy my kneecap?”
“…Not until they’re at least eight years old, I think. That’s the general rule for kneecaps, if I remember correctly.”
“I can deal with that.” Velvet walked out of the room. “As long as you take care of them.”
“But…”
“Shut up,” Velvet said from the corridor. “It’s been ages since I did anything for you.”
“She’s not exactly good with ponies, but she tries a lot.”
“Mom?” Little Twilight Sparkle frowned as she looked at one of the bookshelves in her mother’s office. “What is that?”
Velvet was still typing. Shining Armor and Twilight were the only ones who could be in her office while she wrote. “Yes?” she said.
“What are those books?”
“The forbidden ones,” Velvet replied immediately. “Don’t touch them.”
“But I’ve read everything else in the house!” Twilight said, frowning. “Why can’t I read those ones?”
“They’re not suited for you,” Velvet said. “They’re not good for little fillies. They’ll scare you.”
“But I wanna read them!”
“No means no.” Velvet didn’t move her eyes away from the typewriter.
Twilight made a pout. “Oh, come on, Mom! I’ve read horror before!”
“My word is final.”
“What is going on in here? Why are you shouting?” Night Light walked into the room and looked at Twilight. “Twi, don’t disturb your mother while she’s working.”
“She doesn’t let me read those books!” Twilight said, pointing at the forbidden bookshelf. “I want to read them!”
“No.” Night Light tapped his daughter’s head. “Now go pester your brother. He’s taking a nap, so you can go scribble on his face or something.”
“Good idea!”
As little Twilight ran out of the room, Night Light sighed and looked back at the forbidden bookshelf. “Your own books, huh?”
“I’m pretty sure Twilight wouldn’t like Hazardous Nipple,” Velvet said, finally raising her eyes from the typewriter. “She’s not very fond of nipples.”
“Hmm.” Night Light kept staring at the bookshelf. It was mostly filled with horror and philosophy books. “I guess they’re not suited for Twilight, after all. But it kind of looks like a waste.” He turned towards his wife. “What are you writing now?”
“A children’s book,” Velvet replied. “About bears.”
“Didn’t you hate those?”
“I find them dumb, disgusting, smelly, dangerous, and stupidly obsessed with honey,” Velvet said, nodding. “Bears are bad too.”
Night Light raised an eyebrow. “So?”
“Twilight likes bears.”
“She understands that not everypony is like her, but that doesn't mean she's better.”
Night Light and Velvet waved Shining Armor goodbye as the little colt got on the carriage that would lead him to the Royal Guard school. They wouldn’t see him for two months. By their side, Twilight was bawling her eyes out. On the carriage, Shining Armor looked as nervous as ever, but his smile was big and sparkling.
Night Light was hugging Twilight and chuckling. “Don’t worry, dear,” he was whispering. “He’ll be back home soon! And he’ll be a proper stallion! Aren’t you excited to see how your brother grows up?”
Twilight replied by crying even more. Velvet sighed and kept waving goodbye.
And then the carriage was gone, and Shining could no longer be seen. Twilight’s sobs didn’t seem to stop at all.
Night Light looked at the horizon, where the carriage had disappeared. “Well,” he said. “There goes that.” He sighed. “He’s gone now. We should go home.”
They didn’t move, though. They just stood in there, little Twilight hugging her father tightly, Night Light staring at the road, Velvet doing nothing.
“You know,” Velvet finally whispered, not looking at Night Light, “Shining doesn’t see us anymore, and Twilight won’t notice. You can cry now if you want.”
Night Light looked at her.
Velvet shrugged. “I’m not going to laugh at you this time.”
Night Light lowered his head and bit his lip. “You’re not?” he asked, his voice trembling.
“Your secret is safe with me as long as you don’t fill my coat with snot like Twilight there.”
“You say that she’s a demon, and I guess you’re kind of right.” Night Light shook his head. “But even a demon can raise a child if they really try, that’s what I’m saying here.”
Princess Celestia put the crown on top of Twilight’s head, and on the first row, Night Light and Velvet looked at their daughter with pride. Right next to the princesses, Shining Armor was crying like a newborn.
“Well,” Night Light said as everypony clapped and cheered at Twilight, grabbing Velvet’s hoof. “I guess she’s an alicorn now.”
Velvet’s eyes were wet. “Mhmm.”
“I’m pretty sure this marks the point where you can stop writing books for children.” Night Light chuckled. “If she isn’t an adult by now, she’ll never be.”
Velvet shook her head, and wiped a tear away. “No,” she said.
“No?”
“No.”
“How so?”
“Just in case.”
They stood there in silence, looking at Twilight. Eventually, Night Light sighed. “You just don’t want to accept that she’s not a child anymore, huh?”
“Shut up.”
“You were supposed to despise children, Velvet.”
Velvet shook her head. She didn’t even bother wiping her tears away at that point as they ran freely down her cheeks. “She never tried to break my kneecaps.”
“Truly the most beautiful thing a child can do.”
“There are many ways to be a mother or a father.” Night Light sighed. “Celestia knows Velvet and I are really different. But I don’t think that really matters. And you’re definitely not too quirky for a foal, Cadance.”
Cadance didn’t say anything. She just stared at her teacup, her face unreadable. “I’m sorry for what I said,” she eventually muttered. “I guess Velvet is a good pony after all. In her own, special way.”
“She is.” Night Light smiled, and finished his tea with one big gulp. “See now what I meant? How to raise a child?”
“Do whatever you can, I guess,” Cadance said, nodding. “It’s a nice message.”
“You can ask for help, though,” Night Light said. “Velvet and I are there for you, okay? And Twilight. And even Princess Celestia! She certainly helped us with Twilight.”
“She did?”
“Yeah.” He frowned. “In fact, she helped us in general. If it wasn’t for her, I would still be a plant.”
“What?”
“Long story.” Night Light waved a hoof. “The thing is, you have very wise ponies at your disposal. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. We won’t explode.”
Cadance chuckled. “I hope so. And you’re right, Aunt Celestia looks like a very good pony to ask for help. She never makes mistakes.”
Celestia blinked and looked at the calendar. “Wait,” she muttered. “It’s October? I thought it was September. Uh-oh.”
“Oh, yeah. She’s definitely a very wise pony.” Night Light nodded.
Cadance ran a hoof through her mane. “Well…” she said. “I’m really thankful we had this conversation, Mister Night Light. It was really interesting.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Night Light smiled. “So, are you sure now? Is there going to be a foal?”
“I don’t know.” Cadance shrugged. “I still have a lot of doubts. I would really like to have a child at some point, but we can wait. We’re still young, right?”
“Indeed.” Night Light nodded. “And maybe that’s the wisest decision. There’s nothing rushing you, right? Just wait till the moment feels right.”
“It will be a huge step, yes,” Cadance said. “But you also got rid of some of my fears. I think I’m more ready than before now. Just not ready enough.”
“Sure.” Night Light smiled. “So, should we go? Shining and Velvet have been on their own for too long now, I think. And I don’t want Velvet to waste the entire day on writing. She should enjoy this visit.”
Cadance nodded. “For sure! We can show you the Crystal Library, or the sport fields. The Crystal Empire is far bigger than what it looks like.”
“I’d be honored.” Night Light got up from the chair and helped Cadance do the same. “Wow, I’m kind of tired!”
Cadance chuckled. “Me too. I guess talking about the miracle of life can really wear you out, huh?”
“Yeah.” Night Light smiled. “But it’s such a nice thing, I don’t really care.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAA—”
Plof!
Both Twilight and Spike stopped screaming immediately. Which was kind of understandable, seeing what had happened.
Twilight’s leg had fallen off.
They stood in there, wide-eyed, pale as a ghost. Slowly, veeeery slowly, they both looked at the leg on the floor.
“’ello.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—”
CRACK!
“Ooooooh nooooooooooo.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA—hey, that sorted itself out pretty quickly.”
“I love how chill entropy is when it comes to pits of acid.”
Author's Note
You thought the first chapter was weird? HAH! If anybody was expecting this ending, I'm a talking egg.
Still no Random tag, tho. Hate the thing so much.
Kudos to Selbi for editing this in, like, half an hour. While screaming.
