Pony World Problems

Chapters

Lethal Whinny
Rush Horse
Neigh Hard
Kindergarten Colt
Trotter and Hooch
Bad Bucks
Trotting Day
Stallionsky and Haytch
Mareami Vice
21 Jockey Street
Hot Fuzzy
Shoot to Clop

Lethal Whinny

"Zzzzzz-zznkkkkt-Shnorrrrrrrrrrrrr!" The Sheriff slept against his desktop, drool collecting across his thin, papery mustache.

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry stood side by side in his office. The two guards were dead silent.

"Shnorrrrrrrrr-Crkkkkt—zzzz... Shnorrrrrrrrr!"

Shining Armor blinked.

Flash Sentry squirmed, his shoulderplates rattling as he glanced at a three-month-late calendar hanging crookedly from the wall.

"Shnorrrrrrr—Hrmmmfff... nngh... Fleur Dis Lee... th-that's right... don't stopppp-shnkkktt—Shnorrrrrrrrrrr..." The Sheriff bore a sleepy grin as he nuzzled the edge of the desk.

"Ahem." Shining Armor leaned forward. "Sir?"

The officer kept snoring.

"...Sheriff, sir?"

More wood-sawing.

"Hey!" Flash Sentry smiled, pointing at a poster on the wall. "They're holding the Summer Sun Celebration here!"

"Lieutenant, it's October," Shining droned. A beat. "And this year's Summer Sun Celebration was in Stalliongrad."

Flash Sentry winced. "Oh."

"See if the Deputy knows what's going on here," Shining ordered.

On quiet hooves, Flash Sentry trotted to the adjacent wall and opened the appropriate office door. The sound of snoring breaths immediately doubled. Grimacing, Flash turned and looked at the Captain with a shrug.

Shining Armor face-hoofed with a sigh. When he looked up, he was frowning. "Sheriff?!"

The aged stallion answered with a brief snort, but kept slumbering.

"Lieutenant," Shining mumbled. "If you don't mind—"

"HEY!" Flash hovered above the desk, bellowing like a drill sergeant. "WAKE UP IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL GUARD!" He banged the wall with an iron-plated hoof.

"Waaaaiie!" The Sheriff shot up in his stool, bleary-eyed. "Honey, I-I dunno how those magazines got under the mattress! I swear!" He blinked, then leaned forward. "Captain Shining Armor?"

"Good morning, Sheriff." Shining glared. "At least... it will still be morning for another three hours—"

"EXPLAIN YOUR HYPERSOMNIA TO THE CAPTAIN THIS INSTA—"

"That's enough, Lieutenant, thank you."

"Er... y-yes sir."

"Hah!" The Sheriff stifled a yawn and leaned back in his stool with a happy grin. "The Captain of the Royal Guard! Right here in Ponyville! Who'd a thunk it?!"

"Actually, sir, I was hoping you would have 'thunk it,'" Shining said. "The Lieutenant and I have arrived from the Crystal Empire, courtesy of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, to oversee the official protection of this town in the absence of Princess Twilight Sparkle throughout the course of the day."

"Eh..." The Sheriff reached into his desk and slapped a pair of glasses over his nose and mustache. "Twilight Sparkle? You mean she's a princess now?"

"Sheriff, did you or didn't you receive the Royal Memo?!" Shining growled.

"You betcha!" The Sheriff reached deep into a hideously large wad of papers labeled 'Inbox' and pulled out a single sheet. "Got it three weeks ago, as a matter of fact! Says here that your armored flank's scheduled to visit a town called 'Alliahuod!'" He winked. "And here you thought you could catch us Ponyville peace-keepers with our saddles down!"

"Sheriff, there is no such town named 'Alliahuod' in all of Equestria."

"There ain't?" The Sheriff blinked, then blinked again. He looked down at the sheet, then with two graying hooves he spun it around one hundred and eighty degrees. His face instantly paled, and within seconds he was jumping up to his hooves, saluting. "Welcome t-to Ponyville, C-Captain!"

"Look..." Shining sighed, waving a fetlock. "All we wish is to be briefed on the duties required of us, where our patrol is supposed to take us through town, who we're supposed to talk to. That sort of a thing."

"Oh... I-I can do that!" The Sheriff fidgeted with his gold badge. "I think."

"Would you mind waking your Deputy—?"

In one fell swoop, the Sheriff picked his stool up and tossed it into the next room. Crassh! "Hey Carl!" he hollered. "Wake the buck up! Captain Shining Armor's in town!"

"Augh! Larry?! What gives?!" A voice warbled from inside. "And what's a 'Shining Armor?'"

The Captain facehoofed. "Luna, spare me..."

Flash Sentry leaned in. "M-maybe it's Discord clouding their minds...?"

"Lieutenant, shhhh!"

"Oh!" An even older stallion waddled in, a stool hanging loosely off his wrinkled neck. "So that's a Shining Armor!" The Deputy smiled tiredly and shook Flash Sentry's plate-capped hoof. "Pleased to meet you, Captain. Wow... they sure roll you out of Whinny Point super young, don't they?"

"Uhhhhhhh..." Flash Sentry winced, sweating.

"Does this town..." Captain Shining Armor fidgeted. "...have a mandatory retirement age?"

"I dunno, does it?" The Deputy glanced around, then rubbed his chin. "Hmmm... I should ask one of my neigbhors when I return to the retirement home tonight."

"Oh goddess..."

Meanwhile, the Sheriff strolled up, resting a proud hoof on either guard's shoulders. "Carl, these royal guardfolks have come to look over the town while Princess Twilight Sparkle's gone."

"Twilight Sparkle's a princess?!" the Deputy gasped.

"I know! Ain't it spiffy?"

"Hmmm!" The Deputy folded his bony forelimbs. "Heh! As if! Next thing you'll tell me that the library blew up!"

"Please, we're eager to get started with our patrol," Shining Armor grumbled.

"What's the hurry, young'n?" The Sheriff asked, grinning. "Ain't like the town's gonna start flying off its roots!" He blinked, then rubbed his head. "'Cept for the one time that dragonequus fella did it."

"Oh yeah." The Deputy nodded. "What was his name? Steve?"

"And it's not like some evil sorceress is gonna saunter on up and put our whole village beneath a giant glass jar!" The Sheriff smiled, then blinked. "Wait..."

"Look..." Shining Armor held his hooves up. "Let me make this simple." He stared firmly at both officers. "Just tell us what you two normally do on patrol, and we'll start from there."

Rush Horse

Cl-Clank!

"There ya go, dearies!" Cup Cake smiled over a plate of fresh doughnuts. "Would you like some coffee to go with them?"

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry stood behind the front counter at Sugarcube Corner. The Captain's eyes narrowed. "Really? This is it?"

Cup Cake squirmed slightly, then put on a plump smile. "I-I've got muffins too, if you prefer!"

"Uhm..." Flash Sentry pointed at the middle of the plate with a tiny smile. "I like the rainbow sprinkles! They're so... nice and colorful!"

"Why thank you, dear!" Cup Cake laughed merrily. "It's all the rage! Especially since we got the new Tree Palace in town!" She sing-songed. "Let the Rainbowwwwwwww remiiiiind youuuuuu—hmmm-hmmm-hmmm..." She blushed slightly. "Oh... uh... I-I guess I'm still struggling to learn the words. It was just last season, after all." Another giggle.

Flash Sentry smiled at her, then at Shining Armor. Upon seeing the Captain's frown, the Lieutenant cleared his throat and hung his head.

Shining spoke up. "I know that the following question may seem incredibly out of place, Ma'am—"

"Oh, 'Ms. Cake' will do just fine." The mare waved. "It's what my husband calls me, at least when he's not using 'Fun Buttons.'" She blinked, pupils shrinking. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Ms. Cake, do you know where the town's police officers commonly patrol?"

"Oh, well, c-can't say that I do!" The mare blinked with concern. "Perhaps you should consider asking either Larry or Carl!"

"Ma'am, we've met Larry and Carl." Shining Armor clenched his teeth. "I'm sorry to say that they... leave a little bit of something to be desired when it comes to the standards of law enforcement."

"Ohhhh... they're just a couple of swell stallions who mean well," Cup Cake said with a giggle. "We let them have the positions because it makes them feel important."

"Well, aren't they?"

"Aren't they what? Swell stallions?"

"Important positions!" Shining Armor exclaimed. "This is a fairly bustling town of three thousand, after all—"

"Three hundred."

The Captain's eyes twitched. "I beg your pardon?"

"The city's population is only three hundred, dearie." Cup Cake smiled, then tongued the inside of her mouth. "Well, more like three hundred and two... again, thanks to my husband." She held a hoof to her plump blue cheek and giggled.

"But..." Shining Armor narrowed his eyes. "On the sign at the train station, it says—"

"I'm afraid we've been meaning to take that extra zero off for years now." Cup Cake rolled her eyes. "It's just that nopony ever gets around to it."

"Nopony gets around to fixing the village's population sign?!"

"Uhm... Sir..." Flash Sentry glanced aside. "I-I saw the sign too. The... uh... the last zero was hanging off at an awkward angle."

"And you didn't mention this before, why, Lieutenant...?"

The pegasus gulped. "I-I did not wish to interrupt your lecture."

"Lecture?" Cup Cake blinked, then gasped. "Oh! You're Twilight Sparkle's brother!"

"Look, that's not important." Shining Armor slapped the counter with his hoof, making the plate of doughnuts rattle. "What matters is that this town is in terrible danger with the Princess away!"

"It is?" The mare cocked her head to the side. "Since when?"

"Ma'am, honestly, what further evidence do we need than the fact that two thousand and seven hundred earth ponies tragically died or migrated to other townships in the last few years alone?!"

"Oh... that?" Cup Cake giggled. "No, no, honey dear, the town's sign was put up by the town's mailmare." She smiled bashfully. "And mathematics has... mmm... never truly been Miss Hooves' forte, among other things." A slight giggle.

Shining Armor simply stared at her.

"Uhm, ma'am?" Flash Sentry leaned forward, smiling. "If you don't mind my asking... boys or girls?"

"Oh, both!" Cup Cake beamed. "A unicorn and a pegasus! We call them Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake, respectfully! Heehee! We're so proud!"

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Flash Sentry said. "Congratulations!"

"Couldn't be raising them in a safer village, don'tcha know!"

Flash Sentry grinned wide at her, then at Shining Armor. He took a bite out of the rainbow doughnut. "Mrmmmff... hrmmf... thfmmrff gfffd!"

Meanwhile, Shining Armor sighed and said, "Where's the best street corner to get a view of the action in this town?"

Cup Cake instantly blushed. "Oh, I'm afraid this place is just as clean at night as it is before sundown, sir. Perhaps if you were visiting Las Pegasus instead—"

"Of the citizens, I mean!"

"Hmm? Oh! My best bet would be Fifth and Mane Street!"

"And how far away is that, exactly?"

Neigh Hard

"Hah hah hah hah hah hah!"

Mayor Mare reeled in her chair.

"Haaaaaaaah hah hah hah hah hah!"

She teetered forward, slapping the desktop. A long wheeze, and she still continued to giggle uncontrollably.

"Heeheeheehee!"

At last, panting, she looked up, wiping the tears from her eyes before putting her spectacles back on. The gray pony blinked a few times, and then suddenly her smile faded.

"Oh... w-wait..." She gulped. "You're serious."

Flash Sentry bit his lip and glanced at Shining.

"Mayor..." Shining's eyes narrowed across the office. "With the Princess gone, surely you must understand the gravity of what's at hoof."

"Uhhhh..." The pony blinked, adjusting her neckerchief. "We have to p-put a hold on library check-outs?"

"Excuse me?"

"But... then again..." The Mayor smiled. "Ever since the previous treehouse blew up, every household in town graciously donated their books to the new archive—which was no small feat, I'm telling you!" She chuckled, waving a hoof. "That crystal tree palace is almost larger than the appendix I had removed last year! Whew! Some ponies call it an eyesore! Personally? I call it a cash cow in tourism! I mean... every place deserves a landmark! It's like... y'know... that water tower in Hollywhinny Studios at Disneigh—"

"Are you telling me that you have absolutely no crime in this town?" Shining remarked.

The Mayor folded her forelimbs atop her desk, squirming. "Well..." She gulped. "I-I'm only prepared to tell you this because you represent the authority of the Crystal Empire and all..."

Shining Armor leaned forward. "Yes...?"

She bit her lip. "I... h-have a few unpaid wagon parking tickets."

Shining Armor's eyes glazed over.

"But... uhm... c-considering that they're parked out in front of that abandoned skating rink that I'm having razed down to be replaced with a community greenhouse next year—"

"And what of the dangers from outside the town?"

"The... dangers from... o-outside...?"

"Diamond dogs. Parasprites. Ursa Minors." Shining Armor gestured. "My sister's written about all kinds of things!"

"Oh! You must be Princess Twilight Sparkle's brother! Of course!" The Mayor giggle-snorted. "I knew I smelled 'worrywort' in your blood! Heheheh!"

"Heheheheh—" Flash Sentry began chuckling, until Shining shoved the pegasus' helmet down over his muzzle. "Mrmmfff!"

"Mayor, I'm serious!" Shining Armor exclaimed, his face bright with concern. "The things that Twily—er... Princess Twilight Sparkle wrote about were no small potatoes!"

"Pffft! Please..." The Mayor waved her hoof, smiling. "I've read her speeches for major events myself. Her Majesty certainly... does enjoy inflating things."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, for instance, she likes to use big words for unnecessarily dramatic effect. I suppose you could extend that quality to the way in which she recounts the most ordinary of events."

"Are..." Shining Armor gritted his teeth in anger. "Are you calling my little sister pretentious?!"

"Mrmmmf!" Pop! Flash slid the helmet back up with a gasp. "Captain, sir, c-calm down, please!" He stepped between him and the Mayor's desk. "There's nothing wrong with being pr-pretentious!" A beat. He glanced over his shoulder. "Is there?"

"Heehee... Celestia, no!" The Mayor smiled. "We all love Twilight Sparkle dearly. Especially after all that she's done for this town!"

"Which includes doing battle with all sorts of diabolical elements, right?" Shining growled.

The Mayor nodded with a bright-toothed grin. "Sure, why not?"

Shining simply glared.

The Mayor gulped. "Okay, let's be honest. I... d-don't see a whole lot of anything." She fidgeted. "There's just so much darn paperwork in the way."

"You're kidding me...?"

"Heh, I wish." She ran a hoof nervously through her frazzled mane. "I swear. Somepony could drop an Apple Bomb two blocks away and I'd feel no more than a tiny flutter through all of my notebook folders." She cleared her throat. "Erm... by the way..." The Mayor adjusted her spectacles with a sideways glance. "Tirek was defeated... r-right?"

"I simply do not believe this," Shining groaned.

"Captain, if you want something to do for the good ponies of Ponyville, then—by all means—I can provide you with something to do!" The Mayor stood up with a bright smile. "And—I promise you—it will be something both helpful and protective of the town's best interests!"

"Oh?" With renewed vigor, Shining looked up, grinning. "Name it!"

Kindergarten Colt

"Okay, colts and fillies!" Cheerilee slapped her hooves together and grinned at the gawking classroom. "I want you all to give a warm welcome to today's special guest speakers, Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard and his loyal Lieutenant Flash Sentry!" She twirled around, smiling with glee. "All together now, my little ponies..."

"Hello and Welcome, Captain Shining Armor and Lieutenant Flash Sentry!"

Shining Armor took all of his professional composure not to groan.

"Heehee!" Flash Sentry grinned wide, waving with an orange wing. "Hiya, boys and girls! Who here loves the militaristic implementation of broad executive power?!"

The room was a mix of giggles and drowsy mumbles.

Flash squee'd, rattling in his armor. "Aren't they just the cutest things ever?" He smiled aside at Shining. Upon receiving a glare, he cleared his throat and stepped back, waving a hoof forward. "After you, Captain."

"Ahem." Shining took two steps forward, holding his helmet beneath a foreleg. Tilting his nose up, he spoke loudly and broadly to every foalish head in attendance. "Per the request of Mayor Mare, my Lieutenant and I have agreed to speak here today. But, I'm fully aware that your young learning minds belong to young antsy bodies. So, rather than risk boring you, I figured I'd open the classroom to any and all questions. I'm sure you're just bursting at the seams to know more about the Equestrian Defense Ministry." His lips curved slightly. "I certainly was when I was your age! From a wee little blank flank, I wanted nothing more than to protect Equestrian interests, even if it meant putting my grown body on the line!"

Flash Sentry heard a happy gasp from the side. He glanced to his right.

Cheerilee was fanning herself, nodding with a smile.

Flash blinked, smiled awkwardly back, then returned his attention tothe classroom at large.

Shining continued. "So then..." He smirked with pride. "What would you future Ponyville citizens and leaders like to know about the Royal Guard and the troubles they face on a regular basis to ensure the freedom and security of this mighty, mighty nation?"

Silence.

At last, a snow-white filly with two-toned hair raised her marshmallowy hoof.

"Yes! You, the young unicorn in the third row?"

Sweetie Belle smiled. "I really like your mane!" her voice cracked.

The classroom filled with chuckles and giggles.

Shining Armor took a deep, deep breath. "I... will most certainly not argue with that," he said. "Though I fail to see what it has to do with battling back monsters of the Arctic Circle to protect the Crystal Empire—"

The filly continued. "Do you use strawberry-scented conditioner?"

"... I beg your pardon?"

"Because that's what my big sister uses all the time!" Sweetie Belle grinned wide. "And it gives her hair that extra flounce! Like yours! And it's shiny and blue like yours! Well, actually her mane is purple, but if it was blue, then I'm sure it would look just like—"

"Sweetie Belle, you dummy!" An orange pegasus next to her hissed. "That doesn't look anything like the work of strawberry-scented conditioner!"

"How would you know, Scootaloo?" The unicorn stuck her tongue out. "All you use on your hair is rainwater!"

"Y'know..." A yellow earth pony with a red bow leaned in, squinting her amber eyes at the two stallions. "It could be strawberry... but I reckon it's vanilla, like my brother uses."

"Pfft! Big Mac uses vanilla hair conditioner?! How would you even know that, Apple Bloom?"

"Heh." Apple Bloom smirked. "Big family. Tiny shower."

"I'm telling you, it's not strawberry!"

"Yes it is!"

"Uhhh..." Shining Armor cleared his throat. "If we could just get back on topic—"

"You think a full-grown stallion would use strawberry scented conditioner like Rarity?!"

"He would if he wanted to smell good, ya dodo!"

"And my brother lurves vanilla! What's wrong with that?!"

"Foals, please," Shining grumbled.

"For real, though! Only strawberry granules could get it looking that shiny and—"

"My wife is allergic to strawberries!" Shining barked.

The class stared at him, all thirty sets of eyes blinking.

"Besides..." With a sigh, Shining muttered, "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza likes the smell of apricots."

The class gasped all as one.

"Whoahhhh!"

"You're married to a Princess!"

"I knew you looked familiar!"

"Duh! We were the flower fillies at their wedding?!"

"Really? I didn't notice!"

"Sweetie Belle, how could you not notice?"

"I was too busy admiring my own skirt, okay?!"

"Unnngh..."

While the children went on, Shining felt a breath wafting across his neck. He glanced aside to see Flash Sentry curiously sniffing his mane. With a grimace, the pegasus shrunk back, staring at the ground. Sighing, Shining glanced at Cheerilee.

The mare nodded, then knocked her hoof on her desk a few times. "Class... students..." She smiled as she silenced them enough to get their attention. "The Captain and Lieutenant here have come from a long way to grace us with their presence! So how about we let them tell us more about their duties?"

The foals and colts nodded in gradual approval.

"A capital idea," Shining said with a smile. Then, without looking. "Lieutenant?"

"Hmmm?" Flash Sentry blinked dumbly.

"The students would like to know about our duties at large."

"Oh... uhm..." Flash gulped. "M-me, sir?"

"Absolutely, Lieutenant. What's the matter? You address large crowds all the time when important dignitaries arrive from neighboring kingdoms."

"Yes... and I-I'm good at writing reports as well. But..." Flash Sentry gulped, glancing nervously at the room full of young faces. "These are foals, Captain."

"Yes. So?"

"I mean... y-you at least had a younger sister! But me? Sure, I think kids are adorable, but I'm afraid of talking to them or else I might accidentally frigh—"

"Lieutenant!"

Flash Sentry stood up straight at attention.

Shining Armor spoke firmly. "Deliver the foals an exciting and informative tale about your time as a Royal Guardspony!"

A few foals giggled at the regimental tone.

"Sir! Yes, sir!" Flash Sentry immediately swiveled to face the students. His ears drooped, but he nevertheless spoke. "My... m-my first time on patrol was a week after my transfer to the Crystal Empire! I was sent with a company of twelve other soldiers to flush out a diabolical party of goblin bandits from the frozen ravine just north of the city! While we traversed the western canyon, we were attacked by mortar fire. One of my close comrades—Stu Leaves was his name—got hit hard by shrapnel. He suffered multiple abominable lacerations as well as a compound fracture to his rear left leg. The medic and I tried to tend to his wounds, but the enemy was closing in too quickly for us to properly patch him up! We considered popping his bone back in so that we could drag him evenly across the blood-stained ice, but there was no time for delicacy. So, out of options, I procured an army-issued shovel and prepared to assist in my first ever field amputation—"

Trotter and Hooch

There was no hearing the school bell from the sheer noise of weeping, sobbing, wailing children. One by one, they limped out of the school building in single-file as their parents and older siblings arrived early to escort them home. Older Ponyvilleans nuzzled and hugged their foals, patting their backs in order to help shake the sobs loose.

"Come on now, Apple Bloom," Granny Smith muttered as she joined the thin group of families trotting slowly home down the dirt roadways. "I'll bake you somethin' super sweet to get yer mind off of it."

"I-I just don't understa-aa-aa-aannnd!" She sobbed, clinging to Big Macintosh's backside and burrying her face into his massive shoulders. "Mrmmmmfff—How could a single pony bleed that much?!" A hiccuping spasm. "And the letters from his children he'd n-never reeeea-aa-aa-aad!"

"There there..." Granny Smith reached over to nuzzle her. She then glared back at the school building. "That's enough homework for the day, darlin'."

"Eeeeyup," Big Macintosh growled, teeth barred as he too glared.

As the last of the families trotted off, Shining Armor and Flash Sentry stood in the doorframe, blinking steadily. Flash Sentry bore an undying wince, and he hid his blushing face behind his helmet.

"Huh..." Shining scratched his head, then placed his helmet over his skull. "Well, I can see that the curriculum here isn't the same as the schools in the Crystal Empire."

"Maybe..." Flash Sentry fidgeted. "...m-maybe I should have stopped at the part where we had to put Stu's intestines back in."

"No, n-nonsense!" Cheerilee wheezed. She teetered a few feet away, leaning against the school building with a sickly smile. "It w-was... most... urp... informative!"

"I'm glad somepony agrees with me," Shining said with a nod. He turned towards her. "Nevertheless, I'm sorry for the unfortunate turn of events. Would you like us to buy you a bite to eat in recompense?"

"Ohdearohdearohdear—!" Wide-eyed, Cheerilee galloped a crescent circle and barreled straight inside the school building, where there emanated a loud, wretching echo.

Flash winced all the harder.

"Well..." Shining Armor cleared his throat as he slipped his helmet back on. "I do believe our work here is done."

"I think we should have just stuck with the apricot conditioner."

"Lieutenant, if those children won't learn the horrible ways of the world from us, just where will they learn it from?!"

Flash Sentry fidgeted, his eyes darting along the horizon. "... ... ...Whinnypedia?"

"Nnnngh..." Shining Armor trudged forward, head hung low. "Perhaps if we're lucky, Nightmare Moon's foalish doppelganger will appear out of nowhere and we'll get to hang somepony from the gallows..."

"Captain, sir!" Flash Sentry flapped his wings and pointed. "Two o'clock!"

"Really?" Shining muttered, fumbling for his watch. "I know the schoolfoals were let out early and all, but—"

"I mean ahead and to the right, sir!" Flash squinted. "Trouble!"

"Trouble?!" Shining Armor raised his head with a bright smile. "There is a Goddess!"

Across the road, a teenage filly pawed at an oak tree, looking worried and anxious.

Both guardstallions galloped towards her, crossing the distance between them. "Ma'am!" Shining Armor panted. "What seems to be the trouble?"

"The trouble is Shelby," the filly muttered with a depressed sigh. "I can't seem to get to her."

"Tell us where she is and we can help!" Shining Armor placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Is your friend Shelby stuck in a well? A cave? An abandoned mine shaft?"

"It's my cat." The filly pointed straight up. "She climbed up the tree and she won't come down."

Shining Armor blinked at the spread branches of the oak tree, then squinted at the young mare. "You named your cat 'Shelby?'"

She frowned. "Well, I certainly wasn't going to name her 'Concepción!'"

"Very well then." Shining Armor nodded. "About what time did your cat—the alleged Shelby—disappear within the foliage of this tree?"

"Uh... like... ten minutes ago." The filly blinked. "I chased her here. It was bath time, you see."

"And could you provide an apt description for Shelby?"

"She's... sh-she's a cat." The filly pointed. "And she's right up there."

Shining did his best to compose himself. Fighting a sigh, he placed a reassuring hoof on the mare's shoulder. "Do not fear for the worse, madame."

"I'm not afr—"

"I promise you, on behalf of the Royal Equestrian Defense Ministry, that we will bring your feline companion back to you without harm to its life or limbs. With professionally trained guards such as ourselves constantly on call to protect harmony in any circumstances, we extend our loyal dedication to all creatures, no matter the size or the—"

Fwoosh! Flash Sentry levitated in front of the filly with a black cat in his grasp. "Here you go, ma'am!"

Shining Armor's mouth hung open. He turned, blinking at Flash Sentry. "Lieutenant? What...?"

"I... uh... I saved it."

"You did?"

"Yeah." Flash shrugged, nodding towards the tree with his helmet. "I just flew up there and grabbed it."

"... ... ..."

"Erm, Captain, if you wish, I could go and put it in an even higher tree."

"No... no." Sighing, Shining waved and turned away. "Just... do your duty, Lieutenant."

Flash smiled and hoofed the kitty cat over to the filly. "There... not a scratch on Shelby!"

"Awwwwww..." The filly smiled and petted the frowning fuzzball. "Thank youuuuu!"

"Always a pleasure to help the whiskers by the oak," Flash said with a wink.

"Saves me the trouble of asking my dad to get her down!" The filly trotted off, balancing the cat on her flank. "He's already done it five times this week. I was minutes away from fetching the old ladder from the house myself."

"So long!" Flash waved her off, smiling pleasantly. "Give Shelby a nuzzle for me!" He exhaled, then turned towards Shining.

Shining stared off with a dull expression.

Flash gulped and spoke with a hopeful smile. "Look on the bright side. Maybe the tree bit the cat and in a few hours we'll have to battle a farmstead full of oak zombies."

"I'm starting to have the most devastating epiphany."

"And what is that, Captain?"

Shining Armor tilted his head up, staring into the sky with sparkling eyes. "What if... my beloved Twily likes to lie in her monthly reports?"

"Oh, I don't think it's very likely."

"What makes you say that, Lieutenant."

"Well, she's a Princess."

"So?"

"Princesses don't lie."

"That's categorically untrue."

"Really?"

"Lieutenant, I married one," Shining grumbled. "Despite everything Cadance has said to coddle me these last twelve months, I know for a fact that I've gained weight during our stay at the Crystal Kingdom."

Flash Sentry glanced at Shining, fidgeted, then glanced at him again. "Well..." He smiled. "Look at the bright side." He pointed. "From the look of things, it all went to your front half."

Shining's head swiveled to glare at Flash.

Flash gulped, flapping his wings. "Want me to fetch that cat and stick it on the highest r-rooftop, sir?"

Before Shining could respond...

"Help! Helppppp!" A peach-colored mare with auburn hair was galloping around in an erratic pattern, her voice warbling in the afternoon air. "Oh please, will somepony help us?! Hellllllp ussss!"

Flash gasped widely. With a smile, he hovered over and nudged Shining several times. When the Captain looked up, the Lieutenant pointed eagerly at the hysterical pony, barely containing his grin.

Shining's ears perked up. Her reared his hooves, then went charging across the street.

"Madame! Fear no more!" He skidded to a stop in front of her, waving a forelimb. "The Royal Guard is at your beck and call!"

"Oh... Oh thank Goddess!" The mare instantly swooned, holding a hoof over her forehead. "Somepony who can save us!" She sniffled, on the verge of weeping. "Something terrible... h-horribly awful has j-just happened!"

"Please, just try to calm down, ma'am," Shining Armor said. "We're here to help." He cleared his throat. "Can you tell us your name?"

"Roseluck... my name is Roseluck." She choked on a sob, eyes watering. "And my friend is in trouble! But... b-but I fear that it may be too late to saaaaaaave herrrrrrrrr... ohhhhhh ho ho hooooo..."

"Can you show us where she is?" Flash Sentry asked. "I promise you that we'll do whatever is in our power to save your friend!"

"Alright, I'll take you to her!" Roseluck stumbled off, tears flying with each galloping stride. "But do not be surprised if she is already deceased by the time that we arrive!"

"Blessed Luna!" Flash stammered as he glided after the mare. "Her poor friend sounds on the virge of death!"

"Yes!" Shining grinned while in full gallop. "We can only hope!"

Bad Bucks

"Over here! Over here!" Roseluck motioned in mid-sprint. "Quick! Before she succumbs to cold pony death!"

"Do not despair, ma'am!" Shining Armor exclaimed as he and the Lieutenant followed the mare into an open courtyard of downtown Ponyville. "I promise you that we will see that she makes it through this arduous ordeal!"

"Good! Because th-this is the worst I've ever seen her endure!" Roseluck paused to sob, then limped her way around a street corner. "I-I don't even know if she's capable of surviving!"

"Just where is she, exactly?" Flash Sentry asked.

"There!" Roseluck pointed at where a mare lay on the ground while another pony knelt next to her. "My friend Daisy! We've done everything we could to resuscitate her, but it's no use!"

"She's doomed!" The mare kneeling above Daisy wept into her hooves. "Doomed!"

"I know, Lily!" Roseluck hugged the mare close while both sobbed over their friend's body. "I kno-o-o-owwwww!"

"Everypony, stand back!" Shining squatted above the limp pony. "Did anypony see what happened to her?!"

"Yes..." Lily sniffed, burying her tear-stained face in Roseluck's shoulder. "I saw what happened! I saw everything."

"Could you tell us?" Flash asked. "Every little bit of information is crucial!"

"Okay... I-I'll try..." Lily nodded, panting.

"Good." Shining gave her a reassuring smile. "It's very brave of you to do this for your friend. Now, please ma'am, tell us what happened to Daisy."

"About... about an hour ago, she... sh-she saw a spider."

"...yes, and?"

"That's it."

Dead silence.

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry exchanged glances. They both looked at the mare again.

"She saw a spider?"

"Yessss!" Lily howled in agony. "I knowww! It was awwwwwwfulllll!"

"Did... was..." Flash gulped. "Was it a poisonous spider? A black widow? A brown recluse?"

"Did it bite her?" Shining added.

"She just saw it!" Lily stammered.

"Yes!" Roseluck blubbered. "And it was creepy! And hairy! And it had those wriggly feeler things on the front of its face! And fangs... and... beady... b-beady eyes..." Roseluck teetered, whimpered, and fell faint. Thud!

"Oh no!" Lily gasped, holding a hoof over her forehead. "It's spreadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"

"Grlgglrgrgllggg!" Roseluck's legs curled and twitched above her flattened body.

Shining's ears drooped. He glanced at Roseluck, then at Daisy, then at Roseluck again. "Seriously?"

"It's the third time this week!" Lily whimpered. "The horror! The horror!"

"Okay. Fine. L-Look." Shining held a hoof up, grumbling. "...what needs to be done to get your friends back on their hooves?"

"Well..." Lily rubbed her fuzzy cheek, sniffling. "Usually..." She sniffled again. "Usually Pinkie Pie is here... and she hugs us... and she nuzzles us... and that g-gets the creepy crawlies out of our system!"

"And... we... can... trot... again..." Roseluck muttered in a distant, zombified voice.

"Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say that Pinkie Pie is not here," Shining said. "As a matter of fact, none of Princess Twilight Sparkle's closest companions are in town today."

"Then we are doomed!" It was Lily's turn to faint. "Doomed!" Fwomp! "To succumb to the sp-spider spooksss!"

"Oh, for the love of pancake mix..." Shining stood up, groaning. "What does Pinkie Pie give you to bring you back again? Nuzzles?"

"Yessssss..." Roseluck hissed.

"Nuzzles..." Lily whimpered.

"Fuzzy muzzle nuzzles," Daisy suddenly said in a ghostly tone.

"Then we'll see what we can do." Clearing his throat, Shining looked up at Flash. "Lieutenant?"

"Huh?"

Shining pointed. "Do your duty for Equestria."

"... ... ...Huh?!"

"You heard me. These mares need fuzzy muzzle nuzzles or else they cannot function with their fellow ponies."

"But... b-but sir!" Flash gulped. "I-I-I'm trained in the art of combat and civil service! Not in the art of nuzzling!"

"Sacrifices must be made for the good of harmony!"

"But... but..." Flash shifted on his hooves. "I-I seriously don't know anything about hugs! I'm an only child!" He pointed. "Captain, you had a younger sister! Certainly you're qualified! Why don't you perform the nuzzling?"

"Lieutenant, the day you become Captain, you'll realize that there are some things that you can only implement from an executive advisory role." He trotted behind Flash. "Besides, I'm a married stallion." He kicked Flash in the flank. "Now get in there!" Whap!

"Gah!" Flash collapsed against Daisy.

"Nuzzles... n-nuzzles..." the mare cooed.

"Er... r-right!" Gulping, the Lieutenant leaned in and rubbed the side of his head against her neck. "Erm... l-like this?"

"Brrrrrr... too cold..."

"Guh... dang it." Flash stripped his metal helmet off and rubbed his orange cheek against hers. "There... uh... a-are the spiders going away?"

"Almost..." Daisy cooed. "So... f-fuzzy..."

"Dying..." Lily hissed, coughing into the air as she reached a blind hoof for the sky. "Getting... d-dark..."

"Ack!" Flash rolled over and hugged her from behind, rubbing his chin against her shoulder. "Do not fear, ma'am! I am administering the nuzzles! Everything is going to be—"

"Fuuguuu—" Roseluck slumped over Flash like a ragdoll.

"—okaaaay!" the pegasus wheezed, cross-eyed.

"Nuzzles..." The mares slurred like the pony undead.

"Fuzzy nuzzles..." They clung to his every limb like scared infants.

"Fuzzy muzzle nuzzles..." They cooed and cried.

Curious villagers paused in mid-trot, glancing at the scene with blank, neutral stares.

"Okay—Okay! One at a time! I'm trying—ladies—I said I'm trying—ow! That's my wing! Feathers don't bend that way! Could you—please—could you not crowd in like that?! How am I going to nuzzle the spider thoughts away if you're all clambering to—Augh!—ladies, please! You are three mares and I only have two cheeks! I don't care how fuzzy they are, one at a time, I'm begging you! Ladies? Ow! Ladies?!"

Shining Armor yawned.

Trotting Day

Hours later, Shining Armor and Flash Sentry sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner with mugs of coffee.

Shining took a long, dainty sip.

Flash Sentry just stared soullessly into space.

After the space of a few minutes, Shining Armor looked over. He leaned in, sniffed, then muttered. "Now who smells like apricot?" He took another sip, swallowed, then droned, "And lavender and jasmine and eucalyptus..."

"I'll never wash the perfume out," Flash murmured, one orange eyebrow twitching. "Not in a million baths."

"It's okay, Lieutenant." Shining patted his armored shoulder. "It'll fix itself in the end."

"What if it d-doesn't?" Flash grimaced. "What if the smell stays with me my entire career?" He gulped. "What will the other stallions in the royal locker-rooms say?" He gulped again. "Or the showers?"

"Unless you get stationed in San Franciscolt, I doubt it'll be an issue."

"And I went through all of that for what?!" Flash frowned briefly. "The moment the mares came to, all three of them walked off, came upon a pack of roaches, and collapsed again." He grimaced. "I don't know how this 'Pinkie Pie' does it, but I feel like she should share her trade secrets."

"Some enigmas stand to never be understood."

"I graduated top of my class from Whinny Point." Flash gulped some coffee down and sputtered, "Whinny Point! I should be charging into a rampaging mob of armored wildebeests, not reducing myself to point stallion of the Nuzzle Brigade."

"Yeah, well..." Shining Armor shrugged. "Wildebeests don't surf."

Cup Cake waddled up with a plate of doughnuts. "Well well well! Look who's back!" She placed the treats down and smiled. "No luck in catching those problems, then?"

"Ma'am..." Shining Armor glanced up with dull eyes. "Today, we rescued a cat out of a tree, comforted three mares frightened by a spider, got a mailmare's hoof unstuck from a post box, herded a pair of belligerent sheep into their pen, and lectured an entire schoolroom of foals to tears."

"Ah." Cup Cake blinked. "I see." She smiled. "So it was a productive day?! I'm so happy to hear that!"

"Ma'am, you don't understand!" Shining Armor grumbled. "When we came here, we expected to deal with robberies, assault and battery, natural disasters, and magical abominations!"

"Good heavens, no!" Cup Cake reeled, grimacing. "In Ponyville?"

"But... but..." Flash Sentry spoke up, voice cracking. "Princess Twilight Sparkle has written about all sorts of terrible things... like parasprites, ursa minors, diamond dogs—you know—the works."

"Hmmmm..." Cup Cake's plump muzzle scrunched up in thought. "Let's see, now... Parasprites... ursa minors... diamond dogs..." She brightened. "Oh! But of course! We've had those!"

"Yeah?" Shining Armor leaned forward. "And?"

Cup Cake giggled. "Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends took care of 'em!"

Shining Armor slumped back in his seat with a sigh. "...I was afraid of that."

"And I'm afraid that I don't get you, dearie."

"Ma'am, I am a Captain of the Royal Guard," Shining Armor said. "My career, my life, my talents—Tartarus—even my damnable cutie mark is all about the military!" He frowned. "My entire purpose is to help equines, serve justice, and defend harmony! And yet, in spite of all that..." He slapped his hoof across the table. "My little sister—a magician and a librarian—grows up to save more pony lives in more pony places doing more pony things than I ever have in my entire pony life!"

Flash Sentry's eyes darted towards Shining, then down at the table.

With a heavy sigh, Shining hung his head. "I love my sister. I adore her. But..." A slight whimper. "There's only so much embarrassment a stallion can take..."

"Well... I-I wouldn't b-be so quick to look down upon your own accomplishments!" Cup Cake smiled. "After all, it's never written anywhere that you necessarily have to be an alicorn princess to make a difference in this world! Why... I hear there's a strong, handsome stallion who captains the guard up in the Crystal Empire, and you don't see anypony questioning his standings!"

Flash Sentry winced.

"... ... ..." Shining Armor glared across the table. "Madame, that handsome stallion is me, Shining Armor, and I only ever got that 'standing' by marrying an alicorn princess."

"Oh... uhm... oh dear..." Cup Cake fidgeted. "That's... uh... I... erm..." She gasped, smiling. "You haven't divorced her yet! That's a good sign! R-right...?"

"Unghhhhhh..." THWUMP! Shining Armor headdesk'd.

"Tell you what!" Cup Cake raised a hoof. "I know just the thing for what ails you! Hold on for one second, dearies! I'll be right back!"

Within a minute, the mare had returned, hauling with her two large mugs of foamy yellow liquid.

"Sweet Apple Acres Cider!" Cl-Clunk! She slapped both containers onto the tabletop like a bar maid and smiled pleasantly. "These should wash your troubles clean out of your handsome heads! It certainly does the job for my husband whenever he goes searching for pegasi and unicorns in the ol' Cake family tree! Heeheehee!" A twitching smile.

"Please, madame..." Shining waved a hoof. "We couldn't..."

"Oh, I insist!" Cup Cake pointed. "It's on the house!" And she waddled away.

Shining sighed out his nostrils. He reached a lazy hoof out and dragged one of the mugs toward him. "Hrmmm..." He sniffed and sniffed. "I've read letters from Twily concerning Applejack's brew..."

"Captain, permission to speak freely."

"You've spoken, flown, and nuzzled freely all day, Lieutenant," Shining muttered. "What's stopping you now?"

"I mean... should we... that is to say, is it appropriate to... erm..."

"Hmmm?"

Flash gulped and pointed at the mug in Shining's grasp. "The drink, sir. Is it the right thing to indulge in at the moment? I mean, we're still technically on duty."

"Lieutenant..." Shining pointed out the red-tinted window of Sugarcube Corner. "It's nearly six o'clock in the afternoon. Princess Twilight Sparkle is just hours away from returning. What could possibly happen in this boring-as-biscuits town between now and then? Hmm? You wanna bet a chimney will get blocked up? Or maybe some little foal's ball will get lost on the other side of a neighbor's fence? Or maybe some mares will be frightened by a moth and need more intense cuddles?"

Flash shuddered, but nevertheless said, "I-I was just taught that drinking while on duty was a big no-no and—"

"Really? Apple Cider?" Shining Armor smirked as he raised the mug toward his lips. "Relax, Lieutenant. How could the innocent prancing farm ponies of this town possibly make something that could intoxicate a flea, much less well-guarded soldiers such as ourselves?"

Stallionsky and Haytch

"HIC! I am Spartacolttt!" Flash Sentry wheezed, standing on the table and beating his chest. "Burn Roam! HIC! Burn all of Roam down, ya Apple Shaxon melon fuuuuuuuuu—"

"You—HIC!—tell 'em, General!" Shining Armor sputtered, clinging to a half-empty mug and laughing hysterically. "Hahahahaha—HIC!—haaaaaa!"

"Whoops!" Flash teetered backwards, his forelimbs waving for balance. "Holy snoopies!"

"It's a long way to the floor! Don't flash the ladies, Flash! HIC! Get it?!"

"Hopahhhh—!" Flash plummeted backwards, landing on the booth's couch cushions and rattling a half-dozen empty mugs on the table in front of him from the impact. "Snkkktt—ha ha ha ha!" He grinned rosily. "Brad fall downnnnn!"

"Ha ha ha! BRAD!" Shining Armor laughed, dribbled, and pounded the table several times with his hoof. "Where'd you get a—HIC!—nickname like that?!"

"Back in—HIC!—basic!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Flash smiled, eyes fluttering. "Big Radical Ass Diaper."

"Snkkkt—Hah hah hah hah!"

Flash hugged himself, squirming. "Heeheeheehee!"

"Oh... ohhhhhh that's rich!"

"Yeah!" Flash lapped thirstily at his mug. "I'm full of 'em!"

"I bet you are!" Shining paused to belch. "That's why you needed the diaper!"

"Hoooooo-ho ho ho ho!" Flash teetered and wheezed. "...did I fall down just now?"

"Yup."

"You sure?"

"Pretty sure."

"Hmmmph..." Flash Sentry pouted into his mug. "I wish I had wings so that wouldn't happen."

"Hmmph..." Shining swallowed another gulp of cider down and patted Flash's wings. "You can borrow mine, buddy... ol' chum."

Flash's eyes sparkled. "Really?"

"Only, I left them at Princess Celestia's throneroom."

"What were you—HIC—doing in Princess Celestia's throneroom?"

"She was gonna make me a princess," Shining said, tapping his horn with a drunken grin. "Only I walked out on her about two minutes into the lame-ass song."

"Hah hah hah!"

"Heh heh heh heh hehhhh..." Shining sighed, rotating the mug around in his hooves. "So, instead, I had to go and marry a Princess in order to be good at anything—HIC!—and everything."

"Oh no." Flash shook his head rapidly, scooting up in his seat. "Oh no no no no no no no—"

"Oh yes yes yes yes yes yes—"

Flash teetered over, slapping a hoof on Shining's shoulder. "You love and—HIC!—adore Princess Meat A-Mormon Caduceus!"

"I never said I didn't love Concordance!"

"I just wanna make sure you remember it as I—HIC!—rememberrrr it!" Flash's eyes blinked unevenly as he wheezed. "You married the pretty pink princess pony! You love her enough to bathe your mane in apricots!"

"Oh yes..." Shining gave a lopsided grin. "So quoth Marlowe."

"Marlowe?"

"Hrmmf... yes... Apricots, Now!"

"Hah hah hah hah!" Flash laughed into Shining's shoulder.

"Heh heh heh heh!" Shining bellowed. "Mareland Brandoats was such a manure bag!"

"But you love herrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Shining slurred. "Everypony loves herrrrrrrr..."

Shining squinted blearily at the pegasus for a brief moment. "Youuuuu d-don't—HIC—love my wife, do you?"

"Nonsense..." Flash teetered. "I'm already married—HIC!—to Justice!"

"Good soldier." Shining patted his head.

Flash blinked. "...and to pizza."

"I'll drink to that."

"I'll drink to you drinking to that."

"Mrmmmfff..." Shining's voice echoed into his mug. He leaned back, cider dribbling off his chin as he exhaled. "But... thing is... I love Cadance for Cadanccccce..." He teetered in his seat while gesturing in midair. "The Cadance from high school... the Cadance who babysat for Twilylylylyly... HIC!" He sniffled. "The Cadance who kissed my ear in home room and wore the skirt."

"What skirt?"

"Cadance used to wear a skirt to class every—HIC!—day. Drove me banamanamanamanas."

"Did it flounce."

"You're damn right it damn flounced!" Shining wheezed. "You think she's the Princess of Starch?!"

"But she's still a Princess."

"I know. HIC!" Shining sighed. "And I coulda done just as well without the crown and the wings and the apricots... but she's she, and her's her, and me can't be I without I being hers..." He groaned. "Just wish it d-didn't have to be the hallmark of my career, is all..."

"Hay... mark...?"

"Face it," Shining grumbled. "I'm only—HIC!—Captain of the Guard at the Crystal Palace because Cadance is running the—HIC!—show!"

"Are you sssssserioussss?" Flash frowned.

"And here... and today..." Shining glared into the sea of empty mugs. "In Ponyville, I had my chance... my one chance away from Cadance and away from the Crystal Empire to show—HIC!—that I h-have what it takes to be a good soldier and defend harmony in Equack—... Equino—... Equable—... y'know, that big horse horse kindgom we all live in."

"Ecuador."

Shining slapped the table. "That's the one!"

"Now you—HIC!—Now you listen to me, Cap'n my Cap'n!" Flash scooted closer. "You're making a molehill of a mountain! You—HIC!—hear me?!"

"Hear you?! Lieutenant, I can smell you! Heheheheh!"

"I am super serial killer right now!" Flash frowned, then repeatedly patted Shining's chest. "You have my rrrrrrespect!"

"Nawwwww..."

"You do! HIC! My respect! My admiration! Tartarus, my Celestia-damned flower wreath if I had any to give!"

"Well, stop losing at races! Hah hah hah hah!"

"Heeheehee! But for realsies, Shinesies..." Flash beat his own chest. "What I have in here..." He patted Shining's chest. "Is what you have in here."

"Guts?"

"Fuzzy guts!" Flash frowned. "The kind that take no crap from sp-sp-spiders!" He fought a bubble of bile rising in his throat, belched it down, and continued. "And it ain't from marrying pretty pink princess ponies or being elected to crystal age of empires. No... no no no no it comes from being a stallion..." He slapped Shining's shoulder. "A stallion one can respect! And I rrrrrrrrespect yousa!"

"Awwwwww... Loot inn nuts, you're just saying that."

"I'm saying it because it's—HIC!—truth!" Flash leaned back, grimacing. "You wanna know what really sucks?"

"I was put on this earth to know what—HIC!—really sucks!" Shining waved a forelimb. "Open your heart trunk to my skull bowl."

"I-I coulda been a colonel by now!"

"Pffft! What?! You?! You big baby!"

"No—for show glow, snow blow!" Flash blinked tiredly, but nevertheless rambled on. "I coulda gotten promoted three times in the last year! I c-coulda been ordering you to nuzzle smelly perfumed ponies in the grass all afternoon!"

"Heh heh—HIC!—heh heh..."

"But that never happened! And you know why?!" Flash held a hoof up. "Because of one mistake! One screw-up!"

"And what did you screw, Lieutenant?"

"All I did was bump into her! One time!" Flash frowned. "I-I thought she was—HIC!—the librarian or something! How was I to nose sh-she was supposed to be the lavender princess come down softly?!"

"You mean Twily?"

"Yes! Lavender down!" Flash sneered. "All I does was bump into hers once. I thought nothing of it! But nooooooooooooooo!" He hiccuped. "All over the Kingdom it's 'Twilight this' and 'Flash Sentry that!' In the locker-room it's 'Twilight that' and 'Flash Sentry this!' All over the pink aisle at the toy store—"

"I get the—HIC!—picture."

"Well I wish somepony would erase that picture!" Flash frowned. "Somepony with power and respect like yo-yo, you you!"

"You really didn't know she was an alicorn?"

"She d-didn't look like one!" Flash cackled. He held his hooves wide. "Her belly was like this." He pressed them together. "Not like this!"

"Wh-what are you saying, Lieutenant?"

"She didn't have the nose and wasp body thang... y'know..." Flash stuck his muzzle out and sucked in his chest. "The anorexic ribcage thingy. Friggin' snakes with limbs, I swear to Luna."

"My wife is not anorexic!" Shining Armor lisped. "Nor is she a snake!"

"...a fuzzy pink snake?"

"Well, okay."

"Heeheeheee..."

"But don't you go s-saying bad things about her!" Shining grumbled, then smiled. "You know she loves you."

"Pfffft... I'm n-not stepping on nopony's fetlocks—"

"Not like that, ya spruced moose!" Shining squeezed Flash's shoulder. "But like a little brother... the little brother. HIC! The little brother I never haddddddddd..."

"Awwwwwwww... shucked corn..." Flash waved, smiling. "You're making me blush."

"I mean it..." Shining sniffled, leaning in to hug Flash close. "You're him! You're my little bro..."

"Snkkkt... C-Cap'n!" Flash hissed, eyes bulging. "C-can't... br-breathe..."

"The one I always wanted to play ball with," Shining sobbed. "Instead of just watching you sit in a tiny little book fort getting all smart and huffing friendship until you sprouted wings! But my lil bro, bro!" He slapped Flash's back. "I love ya, dude!"

"I-I love you too, Captain!" Flash sputtered. "I-I also love br-breathing!"

"Whoops..." Shining leaned back, straightening Flash's armor. "I didn't—HIC!—d-didn't mean to crush ya there, pegasissy."

"No harm done done, dum dum..."

"Oh gosh..." Shining giggled in an off tone. "Did I just take advantage of you?"

"Pffft. As if. I'd just suplex you."

"Yeah."

"It's a good thing we're not drinking."

"Yeah..."

Then, from a distance, there was an enormous rumbling sound. The night-lit windows rattled while the light fixtures across the ceiling flickered.

Shining blinked. "Earthquake."

"Yeah."

Once more, the floor of Sugarcube Corner shook, this time accompanied by a roar.

"An angry earthquake."

Flash Sentry yawned. "Yeah..."

"Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" Cup Cake galloped up to the window, peering straight out. "Is that what I think it is?!"

"We have 'em in the Crystal Empire all the time," Shining Armor said with a dull smile while Flash sleepily laid his head against his shoulder. "So many—HIC!—foreign dignitaries joke that one day the arctic shell will collapse into the ocean... but they're alllllllllll just jealous."

"It is! It is!" Cup Cake backtrotted from the window, cowering. "A hydra has come to town!" She slid under a table, sobbing. "I d-don't want to be gobbled up! I'm still a new mother!"

"Heh... nothing's going to gobble you up," Shining Armor slurred. "Especially a hydra that doesn't exist... because this is Ponyville!"

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! STOMP! The tip of a scaley orange tail smashed through the wall of Sugarcube Corner, shattering the windows instantly. CRASSSSSH!

"Holy hayrashes!" Shining Armor jumped straight up. "A hydra!"

"Nrnnngh—Snkkkt!" Flash Sentry snapped awake. "Guhh! D'uhhhh—I j-just bumped into her, I swear! Only thing I've ever stolen is my drill sergeant's valuable time!" He blinked at the settling debris. "Huh?"

"A hydra, Lieutenant!"

"A hydra lieutenant?!" Flash gulped. "Not a hydra corporal?!"

"Move! Move, soldier!" Shining Armor scoot-scoot-scooted out of the booth. "That's an order!"

"Okay! Okay!" THUD! Flash fell off the seat and face-planted to the floor. "I'mff mffvinfff."

Abominable roars echoed across the town outside, scaring the crickets into silence.

"Quick!" Shining plowed through several empty mugs, only to slam into one table after another. "Ooomf! Before it—HIC!—attacks any more innocent ponies!"

"C-Captain!"

"Yes, Lieutenant?! What is it?!"

"I... I-I can't..." Flash winced, struggling to shove his front left hoof down his empty helmet. "I-I can't get my—HIC!—shoe on!"

"Forget it, soldier!" The Captain grabbed Flash in a beam of magic and floated him at leg's length. "If a hydra stomps on you, your hooves are as good as gone in any case!" He leapt out the window, incidentally knocking Flash's grunting figure into several exposed support beams. "We must engage the enemy for he is here!"

Mareami Vice

Ponies scattered in all direction, fleeing and shrieking under lamplight.

Shining Armor followed a series of enormous footprints. At last, in the moonshadow of the great beast, he skidded to a stop and let go of Flash Sentry.

"Alright, Lieutenant!" The stallion snorted, dragging a hoof through the grass as his horn glowed against the sweaty canvas of night. "This is it! Do or die! If that hydra wants to chew on any ponies, he has to go through us! Do you understand me—?!"

"Vile hydra!" Flash's voice hollered from above. "Have at you!"

Shining blinked. "...Huh?!" He glanced up.

Flash Sentry hovered in place, kicking and bucking and striking with his hooves. "Rnnngh! Raaaugh! Yaaaugh! Take this! And that!" Clank! Cl-Clank! Clack! Whack! "And one more to grow on, ya freak!"

"Lieutenant!"

"I'll send you back to Tartarus in a hat box so your Momma can wear you on Sundays!"

Shining hollered above the roaring and bedlam. "Lieutenant!!!"

Flash glanced down, panting and sweating. "What?! I'm giving it the thrasing of its life!"

Shining pointed. "You're beaking up a freakin' flagpole!"

Flash blinked. He looked up at a bent metal staff in the ground, its Equestrian flag waving in the evening breeze. "Eheh... I—HIC!—knew that." Suddenly, four sets of reptilian eyes loomed above him, along with four sets of jaws. "Hooooboy."

"Lieutenant, get down!"

All four hydra heads roared in Flash's face. The pegasus yelped and rocketed earthward from the concussive breaths.

Whump! "Ooof!" Shining awkwardly caught him, wincing. "Rrrrgh... I didn't mean like that!"

"Sorry, C-Captain! I was just—"

"No more sorries..." Shining Armor cracked his jaw while hissing through clenched teeth. He and Flash Sentry stood their ground against the lumbering beast in the center of Ponyville. "Only blood and sweat and tears! Tears of victory!" Shining spat as his horn glowed bright as the sun. "Because we'll have kicked this creep's sorry butt into next year!"

"Yeah!" Flash snorted.

"And written a heroic song about it!"

"HIC! Heck y-yeah!"

"It'll bring back Rod Stallion's career!"

"Let 'em have it, Captain!" Flash howled.

Shining Armor reared his head back, preparing to fire a burst of magic.

Just then—

ZAAAAAAAAP!

Each hydra head gasped as its entire hulking body was wrapped in a ribbon of rainbow light.

Shining and Flash stumbled back with a double-take.

The monster whimpered like a giant infant. It tried to get away, but the rainbow beams wrapped tighter, encasing it as if with a prismatic cocoon. Out of nowhere, six ponies with rainbow mane and coat designs floated down, in the center of which was Twilight Sparkle in all of her lavender glory. With alicorn wings spread, she glided around and around the beast, shooting it several times with sparkly princess magic.

Zaaaaaap! Z-Zaaaaap! Zaaap! Pew Pew!

Shining Armor's jaw dropped as he watched the hydra lift into the air, encased in a translucent magical bubble. Within seconds it was being launched clear across the continent, landing far beyond the most distant mountain ridge.

"Aaaaaaaaaaand..." Twilight Sparkle touched down, striking an adorkable pose in the moonlight. "That's a wrap!"

"Smashing!"

"Yeeeeeeha!"

"Weeee!"

"Awesome!"

"Yaaaaay!"

In a FLASH of light, all of the other mares lost their rainbow highlights, appearing around Twilight and nuzzling her close.

"Once again, the power of friendship saves the day!" Twilight said with a grin. "I couldn't have done it without you, girls!"

"Awwww shucks, sugarcube..."

"We were just following your lead, darling!"

"Twilight was charging her laser the whole time back from griffon town! Heehee!"

"Whatever—so long as we whooped that hydra before it did something it could be proud of!"

"Heehee..." Twilight smiled. "I'll say!" She turned around, blinking in Shining Armor's direction. "Oh! Hiya, B.B.B.F.F.! Thanks for holding the fort while the girls and I were away!"

"Uhhhh..." Shining drooled. "Uhmmm..."

"Whew..." Twilight trotted over and nuzzled him. "It's a good thing we showed up just now, who knows what damage that terrible monster would have done! And to think... it's been over eightteen months since a hydra ever even came near Ponyville!"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy bit her lip and hid behind Rarity. "Eightteen months, two weeks, and three days." She squeaked. "I counted."

"Though, I have no doubt you would have held it off if we took a little extra time to get here." Twilight winked at Shining. "Isn't that right, big brother?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Shining teetered. "Sure!"

"Shining Armor?" Twilight sniffed, sniffed, then leaned forward with a squinting expression. "Have you been... drinking?"

"Uhm..." Shining stifled a belch and droned, "Maybe."

Twilight blinked. Then blinked again. "Great!" She beamed, wingtips fluttering. "That means you must have had a pretty swell day looking over Ponyville! I'd be celebrating too!"

"Heh heh heh..." Shining Armor cleared his throat. "Bet you don't get tired of those?"

"What, good days in Ponyville?" Twilight giggled, raising a dainty hoof. "I certainly wouldn't live anywhere else!"

"I meant celebrations, but, whatever..."

"Awwwwwww... thanks for the invitation, B.B.B.F.F." She leaned in and nuzzled his chest. "But the girls and I have had a long... long day."

"Uh huh..."

"And we just have to go hit the hay so we can write a report about our meeting with the griffons tomorrow. Y'know... super important Princess of Friendship stuff."

"I bet."

"But it was so nice seeing you!" Twilight gave him a peck on the cheek and patted his head. "We should get together again sometime! Crystal Empire, perhaps?"

"You... d-do love your train rides!" Shining said with a nervous twitch.

"Heehee!" Twilight began trotting after her lurching, yawning companions. "You know me so well! Nighty night, Shining!"

Flash Sentry smiled bashfully. He raised a hoof. "Hiya, Princess. It's so good to see—"

Twilight trotted right past him, presently engaged with a yawn.

"—a princess walking off to get her beauty sleep! Yup! Uh huh." Flash dusted his armor off and gazed towards the night sky. "Ahem. Aaaaaaaand I think I'm done here."

"Well..." Shining Armor took a deep breath, surveying the upturned clumps of earth and hydra footsteps still lingering around them like the foggy traces of a dream. "One way or another, I suppose we can find solace that the job of protecting Ponyville was still accomplished."

"Mmmmm..." Flash Sentry teetered, eyelids heavy and exhausted. "Mmmmhmmm."

Two ponies trotted out from behind a bush. "Is... is it safe to come out n-now?"

"No more worries, citizen." Shining Armor smiled. "The hydra is gone now, thanks to your Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Hey... heeeey!" One pony pointed at him. "You! It's actually you! I can't believe it, dude!"

Shining grinned. "Ah... so I gather you've been to the Crystal Empire before—"

"DJ-P0N3!" The pony grinned. "Wow! I really love your mixes, Vinyl!"

"... ... ..." Shining sighed long and hard, his face stuck in a bittersweet smile. "You're right, Lieutenant. I guess we are done here."

Flash slumped against him, fuzzy cheek propped atop his shoulder. "Zzzzzzzzzzz..."

Shining gazed at him, then rolled his eyes, grumbling.

21 Jockey Street

The Royal Crystal train hissed to a stop at the starlit train depot.

Not long after, the side door to the third car slid open. Princess Cadance trotted out, glancing every which way. At last, her eyes brightened. Then, with a girlish grin, she held a hoof over her muzzle. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

"Don't rub it in," Shining grumbled, carrying a dead-tired Flash Sentry slumped over his armored backside. "I'm personally giving him five angry lectures when he wakes up in the morning."

"Shiniiiiing..." Candance pouted, reaching in to ruffle the sleepy pegasus' mane. "You will do no such thiiiiiing."

"Nnnngh..." Shining stifled a yawn and smiled exhaustively. "Okay, so maybe just two and a half angry lectures."

"Heeheehee..."

Shining Armor marched inside, folded a cot out from the cabin's wall, and laid Flash Sentry on his back. He then placed the Lieutenant's helmet on the stallion's chest and folded his fetlocks around it.

"I'd give you a Viccolt Funeral, but you have to be dead before I set you on fire."

"Are we good to go?" Cadance asked.

"We've been good to go long before we got here," Shining said, shuffling across the car and slumping into a sofa with a groan.

Cadance knocked on the door to the engine car. "All good to go!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

The train hissed to life. The outer door shut as the car chugged along.

Cadance glided over and squatted beside Shining on the couch. "Poor thing. You look exhausted." She smiled, reaching over to caress his chin. "Have a prosperous day protecting Ponyville in Twilight's place?"

"Meh."

"Shiniiiing..." Cadance smirked, eyes thin. "I can tell that you've been drinking, and you only drink when you're either sad or getting up the courage to read poetry to me, and I wasn't there. So what happened?"

"Nothing happened," Shining grumbled. "The Lieutenant and I were two bumps on a peaceful, harmonic log."

"Well, isn't it a good thing that you were able to maintain the status quo so easily?"

"What I wouldn't kill to... kill a hydra, at least."

"Huh?"

"Honestly, Cadance..." Shining looked up, eyes dull and melancholic. "How can I compare to the other Sparkle legend?" He shrugged. "Twilight saves the world ten times over and all I can do is march in line."

"Oh, this again?" Cadance rolled her eyes and chuckled. "You know, there was only ever one big, strong, handsome reason why I volunteered to look after the Sparkles' little filly to begin with."

"Mrmmmf..." Shining's eyelids fluttered shut as he sleepily muttered, "Oh yeah?"

"Mmmhmmm..." She leaned in, nuzzling his neck. "Wanna know whyyyy?"

Mmmm... wh-why...?"

"Because it turns out he's sweet... thoughtful... loving... and on top of all that..." She whispered in his ear. "He turned out to be my hero. My knight in shining armor."

"Mmmm..." Shining's lips smiled as the train rolled and rocked along. "For h-his princess..."

"You bet your sweet caboose." She stroked his blue bangs back and kissed him on the lips. "I love you, Shining."

"Mmmm..." He slurred away into slumber. "Love you too, Flash..."

Cadance blinked. She looked at Shining, then broke into an uncontrollable fit of giggles, snuggling him close as the Crystal Express carried them north... and home.

Hot Fuzzy

A loud whistle echoed beyond the rattling bulkheads of the Royal Crystal Express.

"Do you hear that, honey?" Princess Cadance smiled, leaning forward with a glowing horn to straighten her husband's chestplate. "We're approaching Ponyville Station. It won't be long now!"

"Cadance... uhm... sweetie..." Shining Armor gritted his teeth, glancing nervously behind him at the guardponies standing at attention in the back of the first royal passenger car. "Must you?"

"I swear, you've been slacking off with your uniform ever since our first honeymoon!" she said with a playful pout. "Would it kill you to act like you're living your academy days again?" She giggled. "After all, you're going to be spending an entire day in Twilight's town. It's best to make a proper impression!"

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for you checking after me and all, it's just..." He gulped. "Must you do it in front of the guards?"

"Oh?" Her eyelashes fluttered. "As opposed to what?" She leaned in and kissed him twice under each ear. "Loving on you in front of them?"

Shining Armor chuckled, bearing a stupid smile. "I see there's no sense in protesting."

"I would most certainly say not!" Cadance tilted her nose up with an airy tone. "I'm your Princess as much as theirs." A haughty smirk. "Everywhere the sun touches is where I get to nuzzle you, whether two ponies watch or two thousand."

He chuckled, then leaned in with a playful smile. "And what of where the sun doesn't shine?"

"Easy, tiger." She tipped him back with a dainty hoof. "You're on duty in a country town all day. Worry about the night watch later." She winked. "When we're alone."

"Ma'am. Yes, ma'am."

The door from the engine compartment ahead of them slid open. A crystal pony with a soot-stained muzzle leaned his head in. "Your Highness." He bowed. "We're about to arrive."

"Thank you, conductor. We heard the whistle." Cadance nodded. "My husband is ready."

"Aye, ma'am." He zipped back into the front car while the whole train began slowing down with the faint squeal of braking wheels.

"Have you chosen who will be your deputy for the day?" Cadance asked.

"Heh... are you kidding?" Shining smiled as the two paced across the compartment, heading to the next car behind them. "You know me well enough. I had made my choice long before Twilight ever requested me to look after Ponyville in her absence."

"Hmmm..." Cadance smiled. "Well, I'm glad, Shining. I think it's so sweet of you to foster his growth in his career the way you are."

"Nothing sweet about it, Cadance," Shining replied. "He's highly skilled, and a master flyer. But he's also the youngest Lieutenant in the Royal Guard. Having that much responsibility at such an age can be risky. I'm watching over him for the Defense Ministry's sake, really."

"Oh, please, Shining." Cadance rolled her eyes. "He's as much a little brother to me as he is to you."

"Heh..." Shining tossed his mane back as they passed through the adjoining car doors. "It's enough having one younger sibling. I don't need another one—"

"Sir!" A stallion practically launched out of his seat upon sight of Shining. He saluted so hard that he smacked himself in the helmet. "Guh!" Fighting tears, he did his best to maintain a rigid posture. "Flash Sentry reporting for duty, Sir!"

Shining Armor blinked. He glanced aside at Cadance. The Princess giggled. Stifling a sigh, Shining Armor stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Lieutenant, at ease!"

Gulping, Flash leaned back, still staring straight ahead as if blinded by dragonfire.

"Today, Lieutenant, we are more than members of the Royal Guard," Shining Armor spoke loudly as he paced before the stallion. "From this morning until sundown, we are ambassadors of the Crystal Empire! Already, we have acted as representatives of the Canterlot Defense Ministry! Under the guidance of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and with the help of the Elements of Harmony, we have restored the Crystal Heart and delivered King Sombra's former slaves to freedom and glory! For the next twelve hours, I expect no less than the same courage, determination, and guile that has led you to become my most trusted comrade-in-hooves! Ponyville is a tiny farming village, and without Princess Twilight Sparkle and her most trusted companions, the fragile town is left defenseless in the unguarded heart of Equestria! Well, today, this town will have two guardians! You and I shall be the rocks upon which this village leans! For twelve vigilant hours, you and I will be all that stands against flood, fire, changeling invasion, windigos, and the unpredictable wilds of the Everfree Forest!" He came to a stop, glaring at him. "Do I make myself clear...?"

"Sir! Yes, sir!" Flash saluted again. "I am prepared to ensure the safety of everypony around me from this point on, sir!"

Screeeeeech! The train lurched to a stop.

"Unf!" Flash jolted forward. His helmet slipped off, flying like a missile towards Cadance's skull.

Flash! Shining Armor caught the heavy headpiece with his magic, levitating it just centimeters from the alicorn's pink muzzle. He blinked, exhaling out his nostrils with closed eyes.

Cadance glanced at her reflection in the shiny helmet. "Uhm... n-nice shine, Flash!" She smiled at him. "A good soldier knows to polish his armor in any situation!"

Flash gulped hard, his ears folding as he winced. "Thank you, Your M-Majesty."

With a sigh, Shining levitated the helmet back. "Next time, Lieutenant, remember to attach the chin-strap!"

"Sir, yes, sir." Flash nervously clasped the helmet and slid it over his head. "I will, sir."

"Either that or get a bigger head."

"Shining..." Cadance whispered.

Shining was about to retort—

Schwisssssh! Daylight flooded the cabin as the metallic doors slid open, revealing the loading platform of the Ponyville train depot immediately outside.

"Sir!" Flash saluted for the umpteenth time. "Your permission to check if the coast is clear, sir!"

"Er... yes, Lieutenant," Shining Armor muttered. "You do that."

Fwooosh! Flash soared out on majestic orange wings.

Shining rolled his eyes. "Celestia knows if we might be attacked by Hay Krishna monks as soon as we step out."

"Now Shining..." Cadance rested a hoof on his shoulder. "Be nice to him. After all, you were a lowly Lieutenant not too long ago yourself."

"Cheater." He smirked. "Everything is 'lowly' to a Princess."

"And don't you forget it." She stuck a tongue out, then tilted her head up to kiss him on the lips.

The two shared an ardent embrace. Too soon, Shining Armor had to step away. "I'll send your love to Twilight when I see her this evening."

"You can send her more than that!" She smiled. "Give her a hug!"

"Like you even need to ask!"

The door to the train car slid shut as soon as Shining Armor was on the platform. The train roared away, and he gave a tiny wave, watching with a longing expression. Steeling himself with a dull breath, he turned around—only to nearly run into Flash Sentry.

"S-sir!" The pegasus guard stumbled backwards, wincing slightly before locking himself into an attentive stance. "I-I've finished checking the perimeter! No sign of any potential threats!"

"Lieutenant, I told you to be a representative of the Royal Guard while we're here," Shining Armor said as he led Flash down the steps and into the heart of Ponyville. "Not an example of paranoia."

"Sir, just doing my duty by the book, Sir!"

"If there's anything my little sister has taught me, Lieutenant..." Shining Armor smiled as he glanced at ponies waving pleasantly from the sidewalks, merchant vendors, and balconies all around them. "It's that Ponyville is anything but 'by the book'... which is ironic because Twilight first ever came to this town in the first place to be a librarian." He chuckled to himself.

Flash Sentry stared at him, blinking.

"Ahem." Shining Armor adjusted the weight of his armored pauldrons. "That's... th-that's Sparkle Family humor."

"Sir. Of course, sir."

"Now, if I remember the map correctly..." Shining's thin eyes squinted even more as he gazed across the grassy knoll in the center of town. "The police department is located in the west district. Let's make haste."

"Sir. Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Go ahead, Flash."

The pegasus gulped. "What... e-exactly will our duties over the next twelve hours entail?"

"Why, whatever do you mean by that, Lieutenant?"

"Don't get me wrong, Captain Armor. I'm more than proud to serve as a preserver of Equestrian Peace out here in the country. But after battling arctic creatures and the dark shadow of King Sombra in the Crystal Empire, isn't a country town like Ponyville... well... a step down?"

"Why, Lieutenant, I'm surprised at you!"

Flash immediately winced. "I'm sorry for even bringing it up, sir—"

"No, I'm glad that you did!" Shining frowned. "And allow me to clear up your misconception right away!" He cleared his throat and gestured at the gold-thatched rooftops all around them. "This may look like just any other unassuming earth pony farm village in the shadow of Canterlot Mountain. But don't let the pretty canvas fool you, Lieutenant! This is nothing less than the infernal crucible of all of Equestria's most harrowing crises! Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, the Great and Powerful Trixie—they've all trudged across these vulnerable planting grounds at one point or another! This place has been ravaged by more disasters, magical phenomena, parasprite swarms, and chaotic riffs than all of the major Equestrian maretropolises combined!"

"I..." Flash Sentry trembled. "I-I had no unearthly idea, sir!"

"Well, now you know." Shining Armor took a deep breath. "And perhaps now you more properly understand why it is that Princess Twilight Sparkle has asked us to keep a loyal vigil over this township while she and her close friends pay a harmonic visit to the griffon lands to the east! With the Princess of Friendship gone, and her magic utilized elsewhere, Ponyville will need all the help it can get!"

With a determined scowl, Flash Sentry hovered on strong wingfeathers. "Sir! You can count on me, sir!"

"I hope I can, Lieutenant," Shining Armor said, facing forward with a determined glare. "Twilight and her friends have saved the Crystal Kingdom from peril ten times over. We owe it to her and all of Ponyville to pay this town the proper respect it's due!" He telekinetically opened the front door to the police department. "That means that we must be on our guard as if we're one of its noble and fearless villagers ourselves!"

Shoot to Clop

Foals chased each other across the sidewalks, giggling. A romantic couple paused to admire butterflies as they fluttered over a bed of roses. A custodian whistled as he swept up a single aluminum can, walked unimpeded across the empty street, and dropped it into a lonely bin. Birds chirped in the air while a pegasus or two streaked leisurely across the clear blue sky.

If Shining Armor was any more bored, his helmet would fuse to his skull. His nostrils flared as he nevertheless stood stock-still beside Flash Sentry on the street corner. The two guards resembled rigid, rusted radio antennae in the center of the breezy, sun-kissed town. The sun glinted off their polished armor, forming prismatic streaks across the grass that added an extra ounce of color to the already bright village of ponies and pastels.

After a prolonged period of silence, Shining Armor muttered. "What time is it, Lieutenant?"

"Uhm..." Flash squinted into the distance. "Eleven thirty-three, Sir."

"You didn't even glance at your watch."

"I didn't need to, sir." Flash Sentry pointed. "There's a clock tower on the other side of town, beside the Forest and a couple of cottages."

"You mean the Everfree Forest?" Shining droned. "Where absolutely no monsters are charging from?"

"Erm... none that I can spot at the moment, sir."

"And are any of the cottages on fire?"

"They... don't appear to be."

Shining exhaled heavily, his features sagging. "We've stood here for two hours."

"Aye, sir."

"If this was the Crystal Kingdom, we would have stopped two thieves, or foiled a burglary, or ticketed a jaytrotter... just something already!"

"Don't give into despair, Captain," Flash Sentry said. "I'm certain something terrible will rear its ugly head soon enough."

"Lieutenant, I am not wishing bad luck on this town!"

"Huh?" Flash Sentry blinked, then gulped. "Oh."

Captain Armor glanced at him. "'Oh?'"

The Lieutenant was silent.

"'Oh' what?"

"Oh nothing, sir."

"Lieutenant..." Shining Armor frowned. "This is Ponyville! The town that put my sister's legacy on the map! I refuse to believe that she became the Princess of Magic and Friendship without any dramatic circumstances to glean her talents from whatsoever—"

"Sir!" Flash Sentry's voice cracked as he pointed across the road. "A monster, sir!"

"What?!" Shining Armor perked up, head darting about. "Where?!"

"That ugly Everfree Fiend over there!" Flash seethed. "Two o'clock sharp! Shall I tackle it first while you go for the face?!"

Shining blinked, then clenched his teeth. "Lieutenant, that's a mule."

Flash Sentry's ears twitched. He slowly lowered his hoof. "Noooo..."

"I'm afraid so."

"... ... ...a mule?"

"Yes, lieutenant."

"But... like..." Flash fidgeted, then murmured aside. "Why's he so ugly?"

"Because... he's a mule."

"Can they really be born like that today?"

Shining's muzzle scrunched. "What do you mean 'can they be born like that today?!'"

"Well... with modern medical technology and all—"

"Like what?!"

Flash shrugged, scratched his head, and shrugged again. "...stethoscopes? I dunno..."

Shining hung his head, sighing. "You really did live in Canterlot all your life, huh?"

"Hey! Hey!" Flash frowned, then pointed towards the nearest lawn. "No loitering! It's against the law!"

"Uhhhh... I'm not loitering," rasped a voice from the distance.

Flash blinked. "Y-you're not?"

"Do you not see this bench?"

"Oh? Oh!" Flash tipped his helmet with a sheepish smile. "Sorry, ma'am."

"Heh... don't mention it."

"By the way." He pointed, grinning. "Dig the swell hoodie."

Shining grumbled. "I do believe you're trying too hard, Lieutenant."

"But sir, I-I was just—!"

"In basic training, I was taught to value three elements of the 'perfect patrol.'"

"Ahem... uhhhh... and what elements were those, Captain?"

"Location... Location... and Location." Shining Armor tapped his chin in thought. "It was my mistake in trusting a local pastry-maker to know the best spot in town to stand guard."

"Well, at least her rainbow sprinkles were delicious," the Lieutenant said with a smile.

"This part of Ponyville is too open... to visible." Shining Armor slowly pivoted about, gazing at the various buildingfaces and alleyways. "If trouble was to rear its ugly head, it would be somewhere shadier... difficult to spot."

"Well, we waited long enough and saw a mule!" Flash Sentry gulped and bore a nervous smile. "That must count for something, r-right?"

"There must be some better way to gauge this town," Shining muttered. "To find out what Ponyville needs the most help with and where."

"Pffft... duh." A pegasus with straight black bangs marched by, glaring at everything and nothing in particular. "Why don't you just ask the friggin' mayor?"

Shining gasped, slapping the earth with his hoof. "That's it!"

Flash Sentry jolted in his armor. "Wh-what's it?"

"We go to the Mayor!" Shining Armor grinned heroically. "Twily writes to me about her all the time! Surely she must know where a pair of Royal Guardponies are needed in a moment of peril!"