It's A Festival

by Pullersonwig

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Spike, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Sex, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1282

In a world that panders to the fandoms' every need, Spike tries to break free from the curse.

In a world where Hasbro panders to the Bronies' annoyingly narrow-sighted needs, Derpy the lesbian becomes the element of Honesty, Luna becomes princess (and they hold a ritual, sacrificing Celestia), Applejack dies, Rainbow Dash the penis-loving heterosexual heterosexually gets hetero-married to her heterosexual penisfriend, Soarin, and Twilight does nothing but sit in the corner and be a cardboard cutout of a librarian who sells books and does magic

But everything is about to change when a dragon only of 5 years in age discovers a way for Equestria to live in peace without getting whined at for everything they do. But how he plans to make this happen is drastic... can the former princess handle it?

Published 2014-10-20 02:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-20 02:00:11 UTC

My Anaconda Don't

It was a great day in Equestria. Derpy, the new assistant princess, had just been named the element of Honesty when Applejack, the useless and boring cowhorse, finally died. They had Derpy's one and only favourite food there; muffins.

"Oh Derpy, your so awesome and cool but not as much as me because I am Rainbow Dash and awesome and cooler than any pony. I am also fast and blue!" Said a very cool and fast blue horse named Rainbow Dash.

"I agree. I read in a book from my library in my house that Derpy is cool." Said the book reader who was named Twighlight Sparkel, who loved to read books and was also magic.

"Darling, you are very much a quite fabulous and fashionable pony, darling." Said Rarity with her voice.

"Muffins derp derp I just don't know what went wrong!" Said Derpy. She just didn't know what went wrong!

"You are so much better than Applejack! She was boring and didn't have anything wrong with her, therefore she needed to die! Her whole life revolved around only apples, and she obviously wasn't character with much depth! PARTY PARTY PINK PINK CUPCAKES. " Pinkie broke the fourth wall.

"It was just announced that Celestia is not a good enough ruler and trolls people so Luna is now princess because her color scheme is better." Said a guard.

"Thank Luna!" Said Dashie, "Celestia was terrible at being a princess. All she did was do stuff that a leader does, like, leading and stuff. Luna will give us pizza parties and male strip clubs!"

Then Soarin showed up. "Hello, my heterosexual fiancé who is sexually attracted to males and males only."

"We're so heterosexual," blushed the fast speedy horse with a blue coat and a rainbow hued mane and didn't like getting her hooves touched.

"Tradition, darlings!" Shouted Rarity.

"Tradition!" They all repeated.

Then the sun setted timeily and Rainbow and Soarin left to have heterosexual vanilla sex in missionary position.

On the day of Soarin and Dashie's traditional marriage, Luna showed up and so did Derpy.

Twilight teared up as Luna rehearsed the vows and Derpy threw muffins, "It's just like in my books,"

"Why don't you ever talk about anything other than books? I mean, I'm more of an interesting character than you." Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Shut up, Spike. This is the only way the Masters want me to be! If I be any way else... you don't want to know what will happen. It's best we just stick to the act." Twilight whispered back.

"Who exactly are 'the Masters'?"

Twi bit her lip, "I don't like to say. It's such a degrading name... taking our culture and turning it into entertainment." She winced, "Somepony might hear us. We shouldn't be talking about this."

Spike wasn't letting this slip. He snuck out the building and made his way back to the library. Maybe there would be a book that explained everything.

He searched the shelves, looking through the Realistic Fiction genre. This might of been the most important thing he'd ever done; he could save Applejack, and free all of Ponyville from chaos.

"'Equestria: Forbidden, a book detailing all of the forbidden secrets of Equestria.'" He read aloud.

He opened it to the index and looked for the word Masters. Finally he found it.

"Masters of Ponies, chapter 56."

He turned to that chapter and began to read the page long paragraph aloud,

"What ponies of Equestria consider there masters are beings from another land; though they have no real magical ability, their influence is strong. These creatures are called Bronies.

The word comes as a disgrace to Equestrian culture, for it takes their name and objectifies it. The Bronies act like they are superior to every other land around them, for they are Different. For centuries only GIRLS (Giant Incarnations of Robotic Lifeforms) liked the land of Equestria, but then men from America came along and called themselves Bronies. These men had very needy needs, such as wanting the shallowest of characters to be in the spotlight, and eventually they whined and begged enough that the Hasbro Government obeyed. Now the ponies are living just as the Bronies want them too."

Spike was stunned. He felt his whole life had been a lie up until this point. Twilight could be a much more interesting person than these men allow her to be! Applejack could live her life without having to match a certain level of flaws... and Celestia would be princess, just as it was meant to be.

But how? How could he defeat the Bronies? He didn't know what form they took, or where to find them.

"Maybe... just maybe..."

He dropped the book and sprinted off into the streets of Ponyville.

Soon he arrived in the next town over, a town with no official name and less than ten inhabitants. This was where Celestia, now going by the name Cele E. Sunshine, had resided when she got kicked out of Canterlot Castle.

It wasn't hard to find her; she lived in a straw jut and on the door there was a wooden sun.

"Princess Celestia? Are you in there?"

"W-who..." came a voice. He had never heard Celestia use a nonregal tone before.

The hut door opened, and revealed a tall mare with a messy cut-short mane. It looked as if it had died: the colors were faded and it no longer flowed naturally.

"Oh, it's you. If you've come delivering another message telling me to go suck a cock, I've already got fifty."

"I actually wanted to ask if you knew anything about Bronies."

Her eyes widened. "Cake... cake... do I smell... cake?"

There was no cake.

"Uh, Princess, could you answer my question?"

She snapped back to reality. "Oh, um, of course. Come inside."

She led him inside. It was small; only two chairs and a sink. On one chair there lay a blanket, where he guessed Celestia slept.

"What was the question?" She asked as if I had never asked the question before.

"I think I know how to free everypony from who is controlling them, and get you back the crown. We need to defeat these guys called Bronies, and in order to do that..."

"Oh dear. I... I'm flattered by your offer, but... they're too strong. We stand no chance!"

"Celestia, please,"

"...I haven't had anything other than cake for years... I'll do it."

"I think the key to defeating them is killing me. I'm the only one without any significant character traits they can exploit! I'm unaffected by them! It'll be such a reward yet loss since they hate me yet love me that they'll get confused and die."

Celestia gasped. "I... I have to kill you?"

"Yes. Right now. Use your bare hooves. Do it for Equestria."

And so she killed Spike: snapped his neck clean off.

Equestria went back to how it was supposed to be; Rainbow Dash fucked anyone she damn well wanted, Twilight's character was complex, Rarity stopped saying darling every time she spoke, Fluttershy spoke, Applejack lived humbly, Celestia ruled, and Derpy stayed in the background on a gluten free diet.

Everything was at peace.
And Spike was dead.

*rolling credits*

The Untold Love Story

Rainbow scratched her head. "Wha... WAIT WHY IS THERE A DICK IN MY VAGINA EW!"

She flew out of her house, leaving g Soarin buttnaked and confused.
She flew to Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack was lying in bed, just waking up.

"AJ!"

AJ gasped. "Rainbow!"

They hugged and then proceeded to have awesome cunningiluingliuslings <3

Author's Note

.how do u spell cunningiluingliuslings