If I haven't killed myself for writing this, Don't expect a sequel
It all began in Jon's apartment. It was a calm day. Also Jon was high as shit after playing Wally Bear and the No Gang. Would't you want to be? He soon fell face down on the couch and di- wait....No no no, that's not supposed to happen. SHIT. Uhhh...... The typical Human in Equestria portal opened as the hand of the Plot of the Story dragged him into it, yelling "Oh fuck no! You aren't escaping this time Jon!". It then grabs Jacques saying, "You too you little fucker". Time passes and they wake up in a typical HiE forest setting. How wonderful. Jon looks around, wondering why the shit he's in a forest. Like an idiot he says, "Hmm, maybe if I go deeper into this forest, I will escape". Jacques, being smart promptly computed the odds of Jon surviving. He exploded on Jon's shoulder while doing so, due to the sheer fact he couldn't calculate such a small number. Jon cried out, "Oh....Oh God..... He's Dead...... Oh God......Ah fuck it, he'll be back next paragraph", and continued on his merry way.
After having died and been reincarnated several times, Jon and Jacques arrived in Ponyville. One pony (You Know the One) promptly fainted. He was then picked up by Purple Smart, and carried to a tree. He was examined by a typical 'Never Seen a Human, Must Anally probe' Purple Smart. Jacques decided to look around as Jon got an unexpected colonoscopy, and met Purple Smart's owl. Jacques then banished the owl to hell, and proceeded to eat it's bird food. After Jon was studied (now a synonym to raped) he left on his way when Rainbow Dash flew down in front of him, arched her back and flagged her tail at him. Jon remarked at the action, "Well that was subtle. If you spell subtly like THIS"
Youtube Video
Rainbow Dash then picked Jon up, carried him to her cloud home and proceeded to have the sexy times while the writer went out to get some vodka.
After the writer got much drunker (is that a word?) Jon was roaming around ponyville. He was then approached by the Pink Menace who wanted to throw a party for him. Jon would allow this on 3 conditions. Strippers, Beer and That the writer would stop making him do so many stupid things. The writer promptly squashed him and he respawned. Jon, the grommet he is bowed down to the Swoodest Writer of all time. The story continued, as Jon was suddenly transported to the party that the Pink Menace had created while he was respecting the Writer. Applejack had brought some hard cider, the Pink Menace had hired male strippers (to which Jon had no obvious objection) and then through the magic of lazy and bad writing, Jon had secks with all of them.
After his pelvic bone had been healed, and after yet more sex with the nurses (think magical Viagra), he had gone to visit I Can't Believe it's not Fluttershy. I Can't Believe it's not Fluttershy was out tending to her livestock. She noticed him and went to greet him. They went inside, had tea, joked around, had secks, played board games, fed birds, secks, DDR, pikaclick, secks, LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE.... eventually after Jon recovered from a mental breakdown, I Can't Believe it's not Fluttershy took him to her shed. He went inside and was promptly murdered by a chainsaw. He then woke up and realized it was all a dream after he committed suicide for the 50th time. He then noticed that he was naked between Malkovich and the Ghost of Macaulay Culkin after a threesome. He quickly reached for the advil and vodka. Thus the cycle begins again.
