Anon's Adventures

by DontFearTheSuperman

Rating: mature
Tags: Anthro, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 4315

Originally a One shot place, I have decided to make it my versions of Anon's adventure's. I won't update it regularly, but it will be a thing.

It's pretty much what the short description said. Originally this was a place were I would put my one shot ideas. But as time went on, I decided to instead make it a place where I can write my versions of Anon. It will still be a random, but Anon shall be the main character in all the stories. On top of that, he shall not be a bitch. I may send him to different dimensions, whatever floats my boat. But you guys have some ideas tell me.

Published 2014-10-18 21:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-05 05:20:26 UTC

Anon, the Man with Ulitmate Swag.

Author's Note

So, yeah, this is just something I'd figure I'd write. This spot is mainly for idea's I have for stories, but I don't feel like writing an entire story about them. Thus they go here as one shots. You don't have to like these. I'm pretty much just putting them up for fun. Don't worry, I have the next chapter of the Protectors waiting and ready, I just have to wait for someone to look it over. Then I will publish it.

Anon, the Man with Ulitmate Swag.

"Hurry up and get in!" Anon shouted as he herded the ponies into Celestia's bedchambers. The Mane Six, Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, and Candance, all piled into the room as Anon shut the door. Not long after a loud BANG was heard as the changelings smashed into the door. Anon moved quickly and barricaded the door using all of the furniture he could find. When he was done, he bent down, hands on his knees, "Whew. I can't believe we made it."

Anon turned back to look at his company. Most of them were unharmed, but Celestia was badly injured. Her horn was shattered, she had cuts on her two back legs, and her breathing was erratic. The Diarch of the Sun was in no shape to fight, but if she didn't everyone there would die. Around her were her little ponies, desperately trying to do anything to comfort her. Luna and Shining were both pacing around the room, saying in unison, "How? How did this happen?"

Anon looked at the floor, sadness creeping into his hardened heart. He was the one and only human in Equestria for about 5 months now. For the most part, he lived peacefully with the ponies, never antagonizing them.

However, he refused to be completely brought into their society and tried his best to keep his humanity in check. He lived out in the Everfree, crafting tools to help him hunt and survive. But he was never too far away to hear a pony crying for help when they get cornered by a monster. On top of that, he ate both meat and vegetables, choosing to keep a balanced diet rather than become a vegetarian. Whenever he was engaged in conversations, he would always use the terms 'everyone' and 'people' making sure to never slip into their way of replacing those endings with 'pony'. He would always refer to the Princesses as Celestia, Luna, Candance, and Twilight, refusing to accept them as his princesses.

He pretty much did his best to separate himself from pony society. However, he was still able to make friends. Twilight and the Elements had become very attached to him, almost like his little sisters. He considered Spike his disciple, always teaching him new ways on how to be a man. During the day, he would read books with Celestia, giving her a time of rest from holding court. While at night, Luna would help him hunt dangerous prey, furthering their bond as warriors. They let their prey live afterwards of course, mainly on the request of Luna. When Shining and Candence made the scene, he made an instant connection with them both. Having grown up with a little sister of his own back on earth, Anon could understand Shining's overprotective nature. While Candence, she just like him instantly. She never said why, just did.

During the changeling invasion, ponies say that they lost sight of Anon during all of the commotion. Afterwards, Anon was found inside of Luna's bedchambers, a Royal Guard sword in his hand, and twenty dead changelings at his feet. Of course, rumors of Anon's accomplishment spread fast, and almost all of the kingdoms tried to get him to join their army or visit their realms. Griffons, dragons, minotaurs, even changelings sent constant letters to Anon's house. He declined them all of course. Anon was a warrior, but he didn't like fighting or killing. He took down those changelings because they left him no choice, no other reason. And when he hunted, he made sure to use every part of the animal.

Of course offers from other kingdoms weren't the only thing he had to avoid. Him being the only human and straight up repulsed by the idea of beastiality, he had sworn to remain a virgin as long as he was in Equestria. Being a virgin, a badass warrior known throughout the land, and the only one of his kind, had gotten many offer for......'services' sent to him. But he remained strong and steadfast, never once falling for any ploy. This caused his legend to spread even further and increased the amount of females coming for him. Some tried to court him, others tried to take him by force. But he fought them off at every turn. Until now that is.

Anon walked over to Celestia's bed and sat down, head in his hands. This whole mess had been his fault. Apparently the rumors had spread to the Badlands, and the Queen of the insects herself, Chrysalis, had come by Anon's house asking for his hand in marriage. He had let her down easy:

"Anon, will you please-"

"No."

SLAM

But apparently the Queen doesn't take no for an answer. Not too long after, she sent her entire swarm after Anon and into Equestria. Her plan was to take out the ponies and get Anon at the same time, killing two birds with one stone.

During the opening part, Anon and the Royal Guard tried to hold them off, but the guards were out of practice and not ready for this type of war. The guards were easily overcome, some dead, others captured. Anon was able to save as many as he could, before he met up with the rest of the main cast in Canterlot.

Anon had suggested that they use Shining and Candence's shield again, or the Elements. However, Chrysalis had learned since her last attempt, and already had the Crystal Heart and Elements in her possession.

Anon sighed deeply, there was nothing they could do to stop her now.

Unless he......

With a new resolve, Anon stood up from the bed, "Twilight!" The purple unicorn looked up from her mentor and came to his side. Anon looked down at her, his eyes meeting hers. Twilight's were on the verge of tears, "I need you to do something for me. It might be our only shot at winning this."

At that almost all the ponies' ears pricked up. They all turned to Anon wanting to hear his idea, and what he could do to help. "Anon, if it helps us end this, what is it?" Twilight asked, her eyes shining with hope.

Anon bent down so he was level with her.

"I need....." the tension was building.

".....you to...." the ponies were on the edge of their metaphorical seats.

Anon raised his right arm, so the broadside was shone to Twilight. On it was a switch that said 'On' above it 'Off' below it and above both 'Swag,' "...flip my Swag switch to On."

The ponies were silent for a moment, before they all hung their heads in despair. "Anon, tis not the time for jokes," Luna said, her pacing stopped. She was laying on the floor, eyes looking at the wall like it might hold answers.

"This is not a joke, Luna!" Anon shouted bringing the attention back to him. He sighed and looked up at the room filled with his friends, "I have been....keeping a secret from all of you. Something so well protected, that even Luna's dream scrying won't find it. I am what is known as, a 'Swag Master.' But not just any Swag Master, an Ultimate Swag Master."

"What in tarnation does that mean?" Applejack asked.

"Swag Masters are people in the Multiverse with so much swag, that they are considered almost unbeatable. Swag is what is used to describe someone who is either very powerful, or just very cool. Ultimate Swag Masters are the leaders of our group and the best people with Swag out there. These include Gandalf the White, Chuck Norris, Nicolas Cage, Harry Potter, Ash Ketchum, Gary Oak, Red, Blue, and myself. There are many others out there, but those are the few that I know of."

Celestia, so interested in this new information, brought her head up to look at Anon, "I have never heard of these 'Swag Masters.'"

"We are a very secretive group. The reason why is because, as Ultimates have so much Swag, that we need a switch on our bodies at all times. That way we can turn it on and off without endangering anyone around us. I have been keeping it off for a while, but because of our current conditions.....I may need to use it." He turned back to Twilight, "Twilight, please, flip my switch. It is the only way."

Twilight seemed hesitant for a moment, before she nodded, "Alright, Anon, I trust you." She reached her right hoof out, and flipped the switch from 'Off' to 'On.'

Almost instantly, a massive blast of light erupted from Anon as he began to glow. His body changed, no longer that of a human's, but of a winged creature. The creature's body was in the shape of a human's, but it was taller. Out of its back, golden transparent wings sprouted, covering the entire room in their golden glow. The body had bright golden armor on, clearly made tougher and stronger than anything the ponies could make. Out of the top of this armor came Anon's face, "Thank you, Twilight." He shifted his gaze towards Celestia's prone form. He floated over to her, his feet not touching the ground, and put a hand on her back hooves. "By the power of my Swag, I ask for you to be healed!" Celestia's body flashed a bright white for a second, before the light dissipated. What the ponies saw shocked them.

Celestia's wounds were completely healed.

Not wasting anytime, Anon teleported to the Throne room. There he saw the bulk of the changeling forces, along with their Queen, sitting comfortably in Celestia's throne. He had appeared right in front of her, causing her to jump back and the throne to fall over. Not one for wasting time, Anon used his Swag powers to call all the changeling's attention to him. Once they were all looking at him, including Chrysalis, he shouted, "By the power of my Swag, I, Anon the Ultimate Swag Master, command you all to die!"

Then all of the changelings in the world, explode for no reason other than the power of Anon's Swag.

Feeling tired from using that much of his Swag, Anon floated down to his feet, and began swaggering his way home. When he reached it, he instantly went to his bed, and flopped down. Then he let sleep take him.

When Anon woke up, he was aware of the fact that he seemed to have some extra weight on him. He looked up, and saw that every mare in Equestria, even the alicorns, were cuddled up next to him, or sleeping somewhere in his house.

Now, normally Anon would question why this was happening, but he just needed to look at himself.

"Huh, I forgot to turn my Swag off. Damn."

It was at that moment, Anon's bed room wall was busted down by a massive blast of air. The sound caused most of the mares to wake up, giving Anon the chance to get off of his bed to face the threat. "Oh crap, " he said.

Outside of his house, every single last female creature on Equis, was waiting on him. He saw that the one who knocked down his wall, was a young female dragon with Spike's color scheme.

Anon was stunned for a few seconds, before using his Swag powers to teleport to the Crystal Empire, finding a closet and hiding there. He looked towards the reader, "Let this be a lesson to you all. Always remember to turn your Swag off before you go to bed. Or you'll wake up covered in bitches." Just then the roof of the house Anon was in was torn off by a glowing gold aura. Looking up, Anon saw Celestia with a wedding gown on.

"Ooooooooooo, Anon," she said, her voice hauntingly seductive.

Out of nowhere, Luna showed up and blasted her sister away. Luna was dressed in almost the same way Celestia was, but her gown was black, "Back off, Tia! He's mine!"

Anon knew when it was time to get the heck out of dodge, and began flying away.

To this day, people say it took ten months, before Anon was able to get enough privacy to turn his Swag off. Thankfully, he was not raped or harmed in anyway. But his Swag, was almost gone, and it took him two weeks to get it all back.

Anon and Ponies Play: Shogun 2 Total War: Part 1 The Game

"Man, I'm bored," Anon said to himself as he sat down in his cottage. Ever since the whole 'Swagmaster' incident, he had decided to stay in his cottage until his full powers returned. His friends, of course visited him every now and then. So far today had brought Twilight, Rainbow, and AJ to his door. Twilight had learned a few new spells she wanted to try out and asked Anon for help. Though he was not as skilled in magic as her, he could read runes like a book. Surprisingly, the only spells she had learned were a simple transformation spell, a spell to turn wood into bricks, and a spell to take clouds down from the sky and mold them. They were all fairly easy and Anon had wondered why she had wanted his help. When he asked her, she blushed and teleported away, muttering something about secrets.

Rainbow and Applejack had both come at the same time. They were gonna have another one of their races and needed Anon to judge it. He asked why they needed him to judge it. They simply said that he was the only who could tell if it was a tie or not when they reached the finish line. Satisfied with that answer, Anon drew a line in the dirt in front of his cottage. At the sound of 'Go' RD and AJ were off. Anon waited patiently while they ran all the way around Equis, until they finally passed the line. Anon looked closely as they came by, and declared a tie. Surprisingly, they were both happy with that, and went off home.

Now, here Anon was, with nothing to do.

"You know what I miss? Shogun 2." Anon leaned back with a smile on his face. Back on his world, he had been a very good gamer. He didn't have a preference of gaming device, so he had bought a PS4, Xbox 360(cause fuck the Xbox One) a Wii U, 3Ds, PS Vita, and a PC. He had bought, played, and beaten an untold amount of games. To tell the truth, he had lost count of how many he had beaten. However, even a Swagmaster like Anon has his favorite games. His so far were, the Mass Effect series, Asura's Wrath, Dynasty Warriors, Bayonetta 1 and 2, Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion, and Dawn of War.

However, out of all of them, one of his favorites was Shogun 2 Total War. He had gone through that game a countless number of times. He had bought all the DLC campaigns, and beaten all of them with each of the clans. He had even gone on the multiplayer Avatar battle map and conquered the entire place. He knew that game like the back of his hands, and could come up with strategies that no one else would even attempt in the game. Anon smiled at the thought, what else would people expect from an Ultimate Swagmaster?

Anon's smile soon disappeared, however. That was back on Earth, and even with his Swag powers, he could not return. He had tried before, but there was some kind of power keeping him hear. Whenever he tried to use his Swag, some kind of force would just push it back. It felt as if ten Ultimate Swagmasters were keeping him there. But if that was the case, then why?

Shrugging the problem off, Anon got up and began to pace his cabin. He was constantly thinking, trying to find a solution to his problem. Just then, he had a light bulb! If he couldn't go to his PC, then he would bring his PC to him!

Putting his arm out towards the wooden table he had crafted, Anon shouted, "By the power of my Swag, I call forth my laptop!"

At first, nothing happened. Then the air shimmered, and in a flash of golden light, the New Razer Blade Pro, appeared on his table

along with, the Razer Naga Molten edition,

and the Razer Kraken Pro headphones.

Anon nearly jumped for joy at the seeing his gaming equipment back in his possession. It had cost him a combined total of $3160 back home to get all three of the devices. All worth it. The Razer Blade was one of the most powerful gaming laptops currently available. It made this known when he was able to play Crysis 3 on Ultra with 60fps, and no slow down.

The Naga Molten edition was basically a really cool mouse designed for MMO play. With a keyboard on the side of the mouse to be used to cast spells and attack enemies, this thing was the epitome of gaming mice.

The Kraken Pro headphones were, pretty much just headphones. Except that whenever he turned down the volume on his laptop, he could hear the sound just as cleary as if it was going full blast. While with the headphones off, he couldn't hear a thing. Top that off with an almost perfect microphone that allowed him to talk and not static up, he was set.

Walking over to the laptop, he noticed a note taped to the top of the folded screen. Curious, Anon grabbed the note and began to read:

Dear Anon,

I figured you might get bored here, so I decided that I might as well help you out. In case you are wondering, yes I am the one who sent you here. Me and some of the other Ultimate Swagmasters sensed some kind of darkness approaching this world. We're not sure what it is, however, we figured that if any of us could fight it, it would be you. We don't know when it is coming, but we do know this, harmony and friendship will not be enough to stop it. Tread carefully, Anon. But besides that, we have decided that while we can't allow you to send yourself back with your Swag powers, we will allow you to bring things to you. I shall take precedent over this, kind of like your guardian. As for the laptop, if you were to start up Steam, you would see that Shogun 2 along with all of its DLCs are already downloaded and ready to play. If you ever want to get a new game, simply go to the Store, say the name of the game you want to download, and Bam. It will appear on the Store completely free. On top of that, we figured you may want to share this type of thing with your new friends. So, we made it so that you can duplicate this laptop along with the headphones and mouse. Simply have whoever you want to give a laptop to put their hand(hoof, claw, whatever) on the laptop and say 'Duplicate.' Then they will have a completely similar version to yours, along with all the games you have downloaded on to it, with mouse and headphones.

Well that's about it,

Have fun, your guardian.
P.S. This is a special version of Shogun we created that can sport up to 8 players on the campaign and allows them to all take a turn at the same time.

If Anon's jaw could get any lower, it would've hit the floor by now. The Swagmasters were keeping him here? Why? What darkness? When is it coming? I can share my games? These thoughts permeated Anon's head, for a couple of seconds. Then he just shrugged them off. He was a Swagmaster, who was he to think of himself when others were in danger?

New thoughts began to take over Anon's mind as he began to pace around his home. Who should he invite to play Shogun with him? He had already told the ponies as much as he knew about human history. He made sure that even after explaining the bad they had done, he talked about the good too. By now they all knew about all of the wars and battles that Anon had been taught about up until 2014, so he doubted that seeing the battles in Shogun would really surprise them.

However, still he had to think of who to take play with, it can be pretty boring if you play it alone after beating the campaign a couple of times. And besides, 8 players!? The base game just had 2 players on the campaign! And all taking a turn at the same time, man that would be cool!

He thought that Luna and Celestia were definitely in the game. One because, them and Twilight would probably want to study the Razer Blade and find out if it's dangerous or not. That and Twilight would be all over this technological shit, along with the history that Shogun could teach her. Oh, and probably read that letter about the darkness. And two, Anon thought as he smirked, they would provide a challenge.

Anon wasn't an Ultimate Swagmaster just because he had tons of Swag and was a good soldier. He was also a very good strategist. He had studied under fellow Swagmasters Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, and Gandalf the White. Plus he had read Sun Tzu's Art of War about 3 times and memorized every strategy.

While the Princesses were beings older than a lot of creatures here in Equestria. They had probably seen many wars and battles in their lifetimes. Plus, they fought a war against Discord, the God of Chaos who is unpredictable as fuck, and won. They must have some pretty good strategies up their sleeves. And if that was the case, then what better challenger than an Ultimate Swagmaster who has studied under some of the best strategic minds known to man? And they will be using human soldiers, so they can't play the 'pony strategies not human strategies' card.

But that still left six empty spots. Hmmm...

Author's Note

Like the ending suggested people, I'm casting a vote. To put it simply, I can't decide who should play with Anon. I already explained why the Princesses are a given, but that is as far as I can go. Mainly because, I don't know about a lot of the characters cause all of my knowledge is based off of fan fics I've read. And that only gives me limited knowledge, especially since I wouldn't be caught dead watching the show. So, I hope that you will give me good ideas for who Anon shall play with. Your choices are as follows.

1: Main Characters: This includes anyone who is apart of the main cast such as, Luna, Candence, Shining Armor, and the Mane six.

2: Main Villians: These include major evil characters, such as Tirek, Sombra, Chrysalis, and Nightmare Moon.

3: Main side characters: These include characters that have had at least one episode about them, such as Gilda, Iron Will, Trixie, and Sunset Shimmer or the CMC.

These are just the types of characters that I would prefer because, they are the only ones I know. Literally, all the characters I know about from my fan fic knowledge are in these list. You can suggest whatever character you want, however if it is one that is not in this list, please include a bio with the name so I can better write their character in the fic.

On top of that, I would like for you to vote on what clan I should have each of the ponies play as. I figured I will have Anon play the Tokugawa, while Celestia will be the Takeda and Luna will be the Uesugi(I know, right?). However, that still leaves a couple of clans and I don't know what pony should be which. So along with your character selection, please choose a clan that you think would work for them. If you want to know what the clans are and what their bonuses are, please go to this link.

Thank you and please vote.

P.S. As for dead characters like Sombra and Tirek, I'll have Anon bring them back to life. You see, a perk of being an Ultimate Swagmaster is that you can bring people back from the dead. However, the more fleshed out their backstory is or the more prominent/powerful they were in their lifetime, the more Swag is needed in order to bring them back. So if Anon were to bring back Starswirl the Bearded, he would die. That guy pretty much came up with all of the spells that the ponies use, he's wayyyy too powerful. However, Tirek and Sombra didn't have very fleshed out backstories, plus they both died to Twilight Sparkle, making them pretty weak. I mean, Twilight beat them. Compare that to a wizard like Doctor Strange who has literally beaten a God, and your pretty weak sauce. Plus, Tirek cannot absorb Swag, only magic, so Anon'll be OK.