Chapters Dear Diary,
Some ponies say that I am a pet. Some ponies say I am brainless. Some ponies say I can't do anything. They say I am just a brainless green thing that sits around. But I am not. And this is to prove that.
For breakfast I sometimes eat a frog. Or I eat some escargot. I actually want to try a Celestia, but until that day comes I will be stuck eating frogs and escargot.
I live with my mom in her basement. My mom is Pinkie Pie. Her basement is my room, although I go everywhere with her. One time her purple friend Twilight Sparkle, who is now a pretty purple and pink princess but not as pretty as my marefriend, was in my bathtub. I was freaking awkward. But I am happy, because when she saw I was taking a bath she jumped out and tried to run away. But mom insisted that the guest got a bath. I got sad and began biting mom. But I have no teeth.
The other day my marefriend dropped by. Her name is Trixie Lulamoon. She is the best marefriend I have ever had in my whole entire life of one and a half years. She can do magic tricks. She is my favourite color. And her breath always smells like pickles. I love pickles. Pickles are so green. And pickly. And green. Anyway, she brought me a present. She brought me chew bone. I can not ever bite anything, so if I can make my chew bone squeak I'll be so freaking proud of myself. Heck, I'll be the most proud of myself that I have ever been.
I sit in the living room sometimes and think about Pinkie Pie. I think about her quiet yellow friend. I think about her redneck orange friend. I think about her sporty blue friend. I think about her diva white friend. I think about her royal purple friend. I begin to think of my friends, too. Like my friend Trixie. She is the most amazing mare that I, Gummy Paul Pterodactyl Long John Phillip Prescott Cornelius Melvin Egbert Pie the fourth, has ever seen.
Sometimes for lunch I eat a fly. Or sometimes a pizza. Or sometimes a rhino. Or sometimes a piece of cardboard. I love lunch time. Lunch time is so amazing.
After lunch I get ready and go to work. I am a secret agent, and I work for Trixie's spy service. (That's how I met my marefriend.) She tells me who I spy on, I do it, and then I report back to her what happens. She always tells me to spy on Princess Twilight Sparkle. I think that one day Trixie and I will overthrow Twilight and we will become the King and Queen of Ponyville.
Twilight Sparkle is usually just sitting around not doing anything. She just sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. Who does that? I write down that she sits and sits and sits and sits and sits and sits. And sits. Then I go back to trixie, and I give her my work.
I come back home, and I am always just in time to eat dinner. Pinkie Pie, err, mom, always cooks a lot of good meals. She says that desert should never come last, and that it should be first. Always. So, I eat my cookies first, and then my sandwich last. After dinner I eat a snack, which is usually a mosquito or a dead rat. I like eating things like that.
After a while I get ready for bed. I curl up in a tiny ball. I sit down on a pillow. Gummy Paul Pterodactyl Long John Phillip Prescott Cornelius Melvin Egbert Pie the fourth finally falls asleep listening to the crickets and the bumble bees and the hamsters and the stray cats and the wild dogs and the happy birds and the chattering of ponies and the wubs of DJ Pon 3. Then I begin to snore. As I snore I dream about Trixie. If I only had a way to communicate. Then I could tell her my feelings. I can't write them; they won't be the same feeling.
I dream about candy and chocolate and sweets and goodness and joy and enjoyment and goodness and fun and sugar and muffins and cupcakes and regular sized cakes and Mountain Dew and other sodas. Sometimes Shining Armor comes into my dreams. I don't know why.
One time I had this awesome dream that it was could. I was wearing a jacket, and so was everypony else. There isn't a lot of pony population left. I was headed for an igloo (for reasons I honestly don't know why). Inside was Trixie. I waddled in and sat down next to her. Then Shining Armor comes in and demands that we eat some fried grass on a stick. My marefriend's all like 'ugh, noo! 'Dat's gross!' But I was determined. I opened my mouth as far as it could go. It began to hurt. A piece of fried grass fell inside. I closed my mouth. It did taste nasty, but I did it for... my marefriend? for Shining Armor? For myself?
I began to ponder this question. I got a headache from it. I woke up and brushed my teeth. Then I began to write this.
Author's Note
I got bored. So I wrote this. Ta-Da!
Dear Diary,
I ate some dog food for breakfast and then sat on the sofa and turned on the TV. We have cable so we get a bunch of channels. I surfed through the different choices. All that was on was some paid programming. I don't like paid programming because I enjoy the Spanish channel a lot more. I like making up my own dialogue for the people. It can be really fun, actually.
Then I heard a knock at my door. I was hoping to see Trixie. But no, it was a guy named Discord. He stood there, and then when he saw me he gasped. He called me a "cute turtle" and then walked inside.
My mom, Pinkie Pie, was in her bedroom. She had no idea that we had a guest. I would have told her, but she was very busy. She was trying to look 'fabulous' for her diva white friend's fashion show.
So I invited Discord to sit on the couch and to watch some paid programming with me. He didn't want to, so I told him he could change the channel. He put on a western movie from the 1950's.
While Discord sat in the living room, I went into the kitchen and got some food. I didn't know what Discord liked, so I got a little bit of everything. I got some cookies and tacos and cake and brownies and fudge and macaroni and green beans and carrots and steak and bread and pudding and lettuce and chicken and pizza and pie and dumplings and soup and frog legs and gator tail and pig legs and bacon and sausage and eggs and pancakes and toast and waffles and you know you can't have waffles without the syrup and syrup and escargot and shrimp and cat-fish and tuna-fish and bass-fish and some tiny minnow-fishes. Then I got some juice boxes.
Discord thanked me by saying "Thank you," and then he ate the syrup and drank the waffle. Then he also ate the juice. When he was done with that, he drank the juice box.
For the rest of the afternoon I sat on the floor with my laptop chatting with Trixie.
My mom came out in her taco-colored morph suit. When she saw Discord on my sofa and me on the floor with my laptop, she screamed. Then she hushed herself and said, "Yo podría no saber Inglés, pero sí sé la lengua de los burritos de frijoles!"
That cute turtle thing,
Author's Note
I knew I'd give Gummy an exciting life, but I never thought it would come this far.
Dear Diary,
I paused my game so I could ask her when my breakfast would be out. She likes to cook in the basement sometimes, so I went downstairs. I made it halfway down when she stopped me. Her mane must've not been done this morning because it was straight.
"It'll be out soon, Gummy. I promise. Go play the Xbox, okay?" Pinkie asked.
Okay, I thought.
So I did. I played. And played. And played. And played. And played. And played. And played. And played. And played. And played. But then I played. And played. And got tired of playing. So I stopped.
It was almost lunch time. I still hadn't had breakfast yet. Maybe I can go have some lunch with Trixie. I could ask her out, I thought. But then I Iooked at my watch and saw that it was 12:01. Lunch is usually at 12:00 in my house. And in my house, whoever breaks the rules is called "The Dunce". I don't want to be "The Dunce".
I sat in the living room. I got tired of sitting so I lay. I got tired of laying so I stood. I got so tired of standing that I sat. I got tired of sitting so I lay. I got tired of laying so I stood. I got so tired of standing that I sat. I got tired of sitting so I lay. I got tired of laying so I stood. I got so tired of standing that I sat. I got tired of sitting so I lay. I got tired of laying so I stood. I got so tired of standing that I sat. I got tired of sitting so I lay. I got tired of laying so I stood. I got so tired of standing that I sat. Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I looked over at the clock on the wall. The clock is orange and the wall is orange and the window is tinted orange and the curtains are purple. The clock said 3:45.
I was beginning to get even more hungry. I was about to go down into the basement when my mom, Pinkie Pie, came bouncing up. "I have cupcakes!" She yelled. They were the color red. Possibly red velvet? They had multicolored icing.
"It's your favorite, Gummy!" Pinkie said, sitting one in front of me.
The cupcake smelled like sparkles. I took a bite. It was very cold and chewy. It tasted like ham. I then ate some icing. It tasted hairy. It was still good. I hugged my mom Pinkie, and then I went to brush my teeth. I was going to go to bed, but I though I'd better write my diary entry first. So, there you have it. Until next time,
Gummy
Author's Note
Should I write a 'Saturday' and 'Sunday' chapter? Tell me in the comments below.
Dear Diary,
My marefriend Trixie said I had to work today even though it's Saturday. So that's what I did. I am a spy, and Trixie tells me who to spy on. One time she told me to spy on Peter Parker. Another time she said I had to spy on Cinderella. Last time she said I was to spy on Twilight Sparkle. Now I am going to spy on Jim.
Jim is a guy. No, literally, he is a guy. 'Human', they call him. Jim only has two legs and no muzzle and short ears. According to Trixie, he is currently dating a green unicorn named Lyra Heartstrings.
So I snuck up on them at a fancy restaurant. It's called the Hay Burger. It's so fancy. There is so many sparkles. Mainly Twilight Sparkle, since she's a regular.
So I disguised myself with a mustache and glasses. I sat down at a table next to them. I eavesdropped. Humans can have very strange conversations.
"So, what are we going to do tonight?' Lyra asked.
"I was thinking we could take a walk around Ponyville, and then I could drop you off at your place later." Jim replied.
No. Big mistake. Don't just take your marefriend on a walk for a date. I mean like, do it sometimes. But when I take Trixie out, we got out. WE. GO. ALL. OUT.
"Really? I was wondering if we could walk around Peopleville." Lyra said.
"Peopleville? Oh, where I'm from? I guess..." Jim mumbled, looking down.
"Okay." Lyra said, reaching for more french fries.
I saw that french fry right then and I knew I would have to eat one. I need my french fry, and I need it now. (Or then, because this is a back-story.)
"Do you want the rest of these fries?" Lyra asked Jim.
"Naw." Jim replied.
OHMYGOSH! HE DID NOT ACCEPT FRENCH FRIES! WHO DOES THAT?! Then, I realized that this was my chance. I could eat the french fries.
I stood up, and waddled over to their table. Using my tip-toes, I reached the basket of fries. I dove in, and ate to my heart's content.
What I didn't know at the time was that I was going to be thrown away.
I hit the inside of the dumpster, and it smelt like mom's cupcakes. I fell asleep.
I woke up, and I was inside of a larger dumpster outside. I was hungry- and I saw a french fry. And yes, I ate it.
Then I saw a huge hawk-looking bird thing swoop down. It picked me up.
Put me down, you gummy-napper!, I thought. Luckily I am a black belt in Karate, so I showed him some wicked skills.
He dropped me out of divine fear of my iron fists and razor sharp claws. I fell and landed in the ocean. I began to sink deeper and deeper into the depths below. The I saw a light. I entered, and I saw that it was where the seaponies live. They sang, danced, and ate candy.
When they saw me, they froze. A bearded one came out and said something to me in Polish. Then he picked me up and threw me out of the waters.
I was shot out of the ocean, and was caught in a swarm of breezies. They saw me and smiled, and I was carried to their magical home.
"He will be perfect!" One said.
"He is so cute!" Another added.
"We need to give him the best of the best!" Another one commented.
"He needs to be sacrificed!" A blue one with pink hair shouted.
All of the breezies shut up and stared at me. Suddenly, they all began cheering and chanting the word 'sacrifice'.
I was lead to a prison cell. They put me in, and said I had until Goblin Day.
So until next time, I am Gummy, I and I being held prisoner for sacrifice.
Author's Note
This chapter is going unedited for now.
What do you think will happen next? Comment below!
Dear Diary,
You see, I have a life to live. I, Gummy Paul Pterodactyl Long John Phillip Prescott Cornelius Melvin Egbert Pie the fourth, will not die unless if I am in Trixie's arms. And I don't think she wants to hold me if I'm being sacrificed by angry breezie priests.
I am sitting in my jail cell. If only mom's quiet yellow friend was here. Then she could magically communicate with the strange alien inhabitants of this land and then I could be released from here and venture back to Trixie Lulamoon.
I got bored, so I began to draw. I always bring paper and pencil where ever I go in case of bordem emergencies. I drew a picture of a breezie. Then I drew a picture of mom's diva white friend. Then I drew one of her sporty blue friend. Then I drew Trixie.
Then my tummy growled. I didn't know for sure if I was either hungry, or if it was my subconscious senses telling me to buy a parachute in case if I ever needed to jump off a skyscraper to save Trixie below from an evil sci-fi monster from another dimension hoping to take over Equestria.
Since I was locked up in prison waiting to be sacrificed, I decided to not try and break out to buy a parachute. So instead, I pulled out some french fries from yesterday at the Hay Burger. I began to eat them. Some breezie guards that watched the prison smelled the sweet sensation of the Hay Burger's fries. Becoming curious, they stood at the front of the cell door. I looked at them, and then a brilliant idea came into my wonderful mind.
I gave the breezies some french fries. At first they just held the food, and sniffed it a little. Then they began licking it. All the sudden, they began to chow down the french fries. The breezies were amazed at the salty goodness of Hay Burger French Fries.
Seeing that my plan was working, I offered them the fries as a sacrifice instead of me. They agreed, and set me free. I was happy.
Now I am back home, in the basement, in my bed, writing this diary entry. Until next time, I am Gummy. Goodnight.
Author's Note
I do not own any art. All of it was found scattered around Google.
Should I do a Goblinday Chapter? Tell me in the comments!
Dear Diary,Goblin Day ? No. Goblinday.
Trixie is coming to pick me up today. She's taking me to the legendary tree of twinkle toes were the kikolum lives. The kikolum is a purple monster. It has huge wings so that it can fly right behind you, pick you up with its talons, and eat you. And if that's not enough, it has a big pokey thing on its head to hurt you with.
I will be taking my camera to get a picture of the kikolum. When I do, I'll submit it to a scientific place and then I'll become popular. The only reason I know about it is because Trixie told me the fable.
I remember it perfectly: She said, "The kikolum is a big, scary evil sci-fi monster from another dimension trying to take over Equestria! It lives in sparkling trees, and it's the color purple! It also has wings, and a sharp pointed thing on its head!"
Trixie has such a nice voice. Her voice reminds me of spicy mayonnaise. It's so smooth and zesty, like a firefox.
I heard a knock on the door. I went to go open it, but it wasn't Trixie.
"Come to Iron Will Custom Lemonade Stand,"* A blue bull said in third ~~person~~ ~~pony~~ bull.
I slammed the door in his face. He wasn't Trixie. And his voice did not sound like spicy mayo.
Then I heard another knock. It was Trixie.
"Hey, babe. You ready?" She asked me.
I nodded my little alligator head very fast, and then went back to normal. Grabbing my camera, we walked out of the house.
"Here we are, Gummy!" Trixie's spicy mayo voice said. We stood before a large crystal tree with sparkles all over it. And the strange part of it was that it was in the middle of town, and everypony just acted like it wasn't even there.
"Well? Let's go and explore! Now, if only there was a way to get inside-"
I opened what looked like a door.
"Gummy Pie! You are such a genius! And that's why I like you. Now, let's hurry."
As we entered, it stopped looking like a tree. Instead, the inside looked like a house. At least the kikolum has civilization.
Trixie and I went up a few staircases and down a few claustrophobic hallways. Then finally, we made it.
"Finally! We made it!" Trixie sighed, entering another room in the tree. It had seven chair looking things that strangely looked like thrones. Six were big, and one was pretty small. I mean like, 1/3 the size on the others. That must have been for a tiny kikolum.
Wait. Was there more than one kikolum? If I got a picture of more than one at the same time, I could be really famous!
Suddenly, a big purple thing came flying out of nowhere.
"Triiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiixie! How dare you enter!" A familiar female voice yelled, the kikolum crashing into Trixie.
"Ah!" Trixie let out a quick gasp before escaping.
"Come back!" The kikolum only looked like a blur, flying and running. I could make out what looked like purple and pink hair, and maybe even some bright purple eyes. The mystical animal ran faster towards Trixie, with her head pointed down so that the sharp, pointy thing on her head could try to hurt Trixie.
Suddenly, Trixie jumped out of one of the windows.
I knew that back when I was being held prisoner by the breezies I should've bought a parachute to buy a parachute in case if I ever needed to jump off a skyscraper to save Trixie below from an evil sci-fi monster from another dimension hoping to take over Equestria.
The kikolum stood at the window. It was standing still- it was also the perfect opportunity for a picture.
The flash must have scared it, though, because the strange purple animal went running down the hall.
I went back home. Trixie was laying on my couch watching the news. I showed her my camera.
"Is that this kikolum?" She asked.
I nodded in reply.
"I don't know why, but she looks like a certain princess I think I tried to battle one time." Trixie's spicy mayo voice said.
Until next time, I'm Gummy!
Author's Note
IDK...
*What was Iron Will talking about? Read it here in this fanfiction: The Shopping List
This is also unedited, so if you guys see any mistakes jut let me know!
Dear Diary,
It's only 3 am, and I hear a knock at mah door. It's my mom's redneck orange friend and her diva white friend. She invites them in, and makes them some rainbow cupcakes. Then she asks them why they are here. The redneck orange one replies, "I followed Rarity here."
I don't know what a Rarity is. Maybe she's an ogor too. Then the diva white girl begins talking. "Darling, you see, today is Taco Tuesday and I made a taco colored morph suit for you." Then she gave my pink furred, pink curly haired mom a green box with red ribbon.
"Christmas colors! How'd you know Rarity?" Pinkie Pie, mah mom, asked.
"I didn't. I actually celebrate Hanukkah." She said, looking confused.
The redneck orange one just stood there. Then she began to look itchy. I wanted to help, so I waddled over and began scratching her hoof.
Then my marefriend walks in. "Gummy Baby! Why are you doing that? Babe? BABE! TICKLE ME IF ANYPONY!!!!!!" Trixie yelled.
I waddled over and began tickling, or scratching how I was earlier with the redneck orange one.
"Thank you, Gummy. Come one if you want to get the early-bird special."
So we went to that Taco place I told you about earlier. I ate a soft taco because I have no teeth. Trixie got a taco smoothie. I had fun. It was five am when my marefriend Trixie brought me back. I kissed her, then I went to eat some sugar in the kitchen.
Until next time,
Author's Note
I don't really know...
Dear Diary,
But then I'm all like watching the commercial, see, and it was a Geico Car Insurance commercial. It had a camel on it going around calling it 'Hump Day.' So now I call today Hump Day. It seems pretty legit. This morning when I woke up I had a zit on my toe, and zits are like round, and round is like bumpy, and bumpy is like humps. So today is Hump Day.
But then after Trixie went home I'm all like, 'Hey, why don't I really make it Hump Day?", because a zit is just so small. And bigger humps are more fun. So, I went into my mom's bedroom and got a scarf. Then I went into the kitchen and grabbed a coconut. I cracked it in half by showing it a picture Prince Blueblood. I didn't blame it. I drank the milk from the coconut because I was thirsty. Then I went to the zoo and stole a gorilla. I put the gorilla on one half of the coconut and put a piece of bread on top and on the bottom, and had a gorilla-coconut sandwich.
Then I took the other half of the coconut shell and put it on my back. Then I tied the scarf around me and over the coconut. Ka-Boom! Mah own hump! I was so proud. I was so proud that I wanted to show everypony. First I wanted Trixie to see.
I got out my phone and sent her a text. Well, I could have sent her a text if the internet was working. I needed to find some internet that could work. So I went outside and hitch-hiked on a train. I rode it to Manehattan because that's where the closest McDonalds is. I would have gone to the Hayburger, but they don't have free WiFi.
I arrived at Mickey D's and decided to use Snapchat instead of texting. Then all my friends could see! So I took a picture of me and my hump, and I posted it for my social media friends to see.
Then I was hungry because my gorilla-coconut sandwich didn't hold me over. I ordered the Happy Meal with the McNuggets and Chocolate milk. Luckily a Chinese lady was working, so she verbally understood me because I speak Chinese. Then I ate and went back home.
I had a good day today because I had a hump for Hump Day. Until next time, I am Gummy Paul Pterodactyl Long John Phillip Prescott Cornelius Melvin Egbert Pie the fourth. Have a good day.
Author's Note
I honestly have no idea what I just wrote.
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