A Funny Thing Happened On the Way Back From the Horsehead Nebula
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A Funny Thing Happened On the Way Back From the Horsehead Nebula
"Discord..."
"Gah! Don't sneak up on me like that!"
"Apologies... Has been... long time..."
"...Orsim Desmenee. In the flesh. Or as much as that lumpy pulsating stuff you choose to surround yourself with can be called 'flesh', I suppose. You're right. It has been a while."
"Fifty thousand years..."
"In linear time, perhaps. I'm quite pleased to say it's been far longer for me."
"Does my... presence... really disgust you so deeply...? I thought you above... the limitations of mortal creatures..."
"Trust me, it's not your outer hideousness which causes my disgust. I find you repulsive in an entirely different way."
"Hrrmmm... I did not take you as one... to hold grudges over trivial matters..."
"A billion lives is hardly trivial, Orsim. I'm not saying that I can't be callous too, but I have a sense of scale at least."
"Billion lives... hardly a fraction... in comparison to the full majesty.... of Creation..."
"Could you please speak a little faster if you insist on holding a conversation with me, your Great Sliminess? Honestly, why do you outer gods all have to have speech impediments?"
"Be thankful... I understand the tongues of mortals... at all... Were I to speak... with my thought alone... you would be driven to a madness from which... there is no return."
"I'm the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, Orsim. I think I'm a little more resilient than you give me credit for."
"Hrmmmm.... Perhaps so... But your body is still mortal... Your mind is feeble..."
"My body is weak, but my soul is eternal. Maybe it's easy for you to forget this, oh great Plague of Kings, but I'm older than you are. I'm a primordial force. The Lord of Chaos. The God of Lies. The Prince of Madness. Shall I go on?"
"Hrm... No... I understand your point..."
"Good."
"Speaking of which... how goes your quest... to throw the universe... into eternal chaos...?"
"I've... rather given it up for the time being."
"...Is that so...?"
"Ever since that whole business squabbling over the Key to Time, me and my counterpart decided it was pointless to try to throw reality into total chaos or order. Neither of us could ever be allowed to permanently win anyway, because if we did tip the scales of our cosmic balancing act, Harmony would just tip it back. We went our separate ways and haven't seen each other since.
"Personally, I'm fine with that. It means I can have more fun without him interfering. I just got back from one planet where I dropped a frozen sandwich from orbit on a primitive tribal culture, and then I watched as they created a religion around it! Eventually, they formed into a more rational and enlightened society and started questioning the divine nature of the sandwich, rather than burning each other for heresy. And that's when I animated the sandwich to make it come alive and give a prophesy of great doom and the evils of technology! You should've seen it! Eight hundred years of social progress rolled back in a single night! Hahaha!"
"Hrmmm..."
"...Oh right. I forgot who I was talking to for a moment there. You're a humourless glob of space ooze. Forgive me."
"This counterpart... I assume... the Spirit of Order... But Harmony...? To whom do you refer...?"
"Nobody you know. The Tree of Harmony makes her roots on the Borderworld and spreads them through the currents of time to reach everywhere she needs to. You wouldn't have met her unless you actually bothered to visit a planet instead of eating one. I unfortunately have to deal with her rather more frequently."
"I hear tell... from the Orphaned Starchild... that you have made your home on the Borderworld... I hear such interesting things... about it... I am tempted... to see how it tastes... with so much... native magic..."
"...You. Do not. Touch. The Borderworld. Do you hear me, Orsim Desmenee? It is off-limits."
"I would not presume... to merely devour... such a planet... It is the place where points converge... after all... To destroy the Borderworld... is to draw the ire of you and your fellow Guardians of Time... It is to unleash the creatures of the Great Abyss... and to let loose all imprisoned within the Eye of Chaos... It is to anger Sleipnir of the Lower Realms... Hixelkicks, Godmother of Chimeras... and Paradox, Great Wyrm of Time... It is to bring the Cosmic Council to bear... such that all the lesser deities of Elysium would march upon my gate... Perhaps worst, it is to make an enemy of the Dreaded One, slayer of Grandfather, and of Nestene, who is soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies."
"Bleh. Don't remind me."
"However... if I were to consume a paltry sum of its inhabitants... not enough to be missed... I'm sure that would sate me..."
"Don't even think about it."
"A mere four million would be sufficient."
"I said no."
"Hrrmmm... Discord, your word alone cannot stop me... I am an outer god... You are a mere lesser deity... If you truly wish to save the inhabitants of your world... our usual game... our usual stakes..."
"No! I have never won against you in our usual game! I'm not playing you only to lose four million lives like I lost... Just no, Orsim!"
"Hrrrmmmmm... What alternative do you propose...?"
"I propose you go somewhere else, you fetid piece of cosmic driftwood! Go back to hanging around with the Hated Galaxy or the First Corpse, do whatever it is you abominations do when you get together, and leave the Borderworld alone!"
"Or else what... Discord...?"
"Or else I'll throw you into that sun over there and hold you inside until you're nice and crispy."
"You are powerful, Discord... but you cannot challenge me alone... Did I not say that I am an outer god...?"
"Then I wouldn't face you alone. I'd get help."
"Help... Hrrrmmmmm.... Help from whom...?"
"I've made friends on the Borderworld, shocking as it may be to hear, and they're quite fond of living. If I think your existence threatens them, then I will tell them what you plan to do. And then all those scary guys you're so afraid of will be coming after you. You may be an outer god, but you're not stronger than the Elements of Harmony and the Spirit of Chaos and a sun-bearer. The Borderworld is a graveyard of fallen gods and would-be alien conquerers, Orsim. Even now, the Star Dragon's bones float in orbit over the planet, just the latest of many victims. Do you want to go the same way?"
"...It was you... that killed the Star Dragon... wasn't it...?"
"...It wasn't easy for me, but I had no choice. He would've peeled the atmosphere away and killed everything. It had to be done."
"...You truly would kill me for the Borderworld, wouldn't you...?"
"I'd kill you for all the other planets you've devoured, if I could get away with it. I am entropy in the universe, and even I find you disgusting for all the senseless death you bring. So yes, in answer to your question, I would. I would kill a thousand outer gods for the Borderworld. It's my home. It belongs to me. And you're not welcome there."
"Hrrmmm... So be it... I shall refrain..."
"Good. Now get out of the quadrant and don't let me ever see you in this sector of space again. If I do, I'll throw you into the Eye of Chaos and let the prisoners have their way with you."
"...Very well... Farewell for now, Discord... I shall depart... I hope to see you again in the next eon... Perhaps by then... you'll have changed your mind..."
"If I never see you again until we all perish at the End of the Universe, it'll still be too soon."
"Hrmm..."
"...Finally, he's gone. Ugh. Now, let's see... Hm... Is there a meteor around here somewhere...? Ah! Here we go! Now, if I'm not mistaken, Equestria is... that way! Hang on, Fluttershy! Discord's coming home!"
