Twilight Sparkle contemplates over romantic attraction towards a crowbar

by REDSCOMEDY

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 2401

Twilight finds a crowbar, things happen, Twilight goes borderline insane.

A wonderful day goes semi-wrong when Twilight is visited by the magnificent metal forces of Xen… Not really but you know what I mean, just look at the God damn title. Twilight goes out to town to make some errands all the while followed by thoughts of the metal device that violated the minimum proximity anything is allowed to within the boundaries of her face maybe having a mind of its own. It is also not sexual HA!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-18 20:32:40 UTC

Twilight contemplates messed up stuff.

It was a nice, regular old day in a not quite as regular town named Ponyville. The all powerful, presumably all knowing monarch Celestia had just defied the laws of physics once more by raising the sun over the quiet town where the ponies of all the various races had just begun their days.

"What a most wonderful morning, no?" said a purple mare as she slowly awakened from a good nights sleep. Her question was directed towards a small blue ball in a basket next to her bed.

"Gnrrr" groaned Spike, Twilights for some reason still faithful number one assistant, as per usual he refused to get out of bed. Normally Twilight would lecture him on sleeping in, after all six in the morning was a completely reasonable time for a baby dragon to wake up! But as she got up Twilight noticed the beauty of the birds' song, the rays of sunshine lighting up the room ever so slightly and the absolutely perfect proportion of dust particles and moisture in the air, so she decided to let him enjoy his dreams just a little longer this time. "It's going to be a good day today" she said quietly exiting her bedroom.

As she was carefully moving the toothbrush up and down with her magic, every single stroke exactly 17 millimeters long, she noticed something flying across the window. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared leaving the purple mare, still somewhat drunk with sleep, to simply dismiss it as a mirage, a vision, her imagination playing around a bit before it would inevitably be enslaved by her capacity of rational thought for the rest of the day.

She put the brush into the glass on the sink and made her way to the kitchen downstairs.

The eggs were almost done as Spike opened the door, still obviously sleepy.

"What's for breakfast" he asked wiping his eyes with his chubby little claws.

"Bacon and eggs" Twilight replied playfully.

"Aww, can't we have some gems for once?" asked Spike in a rather disappointed tone.

"No, you know you get stomach ache if you eat those too early" Twilight said slightly annoyed by the young dragons ungratefulness. After all she did let him sleep almost a full hour longer today, the least he could do was be a little more polite. Maybe say please, or thank you for making breakfast. "Oh well, not a big deal" she thought to her self, flipping the bacon with fork she levitated above the pan.

"Oh I'll just let that be future Spike's problem" most nonchalantly did he spout this fragment of utter stupidity. Was he not aware of how time worked? Was he ignorant to the fact that HE is future Spike? Couldn't he comprehend that our minds know the concept of "now" as the time by which our brains processed the information of a current moment, that moment had already passed and we were effectively already in the future? How, after so many years of working for her, living with her, admiring her as a friend and family, how COULD he not understand such basic things? She was almost inclined to punish him for this. "Yes, I should punish him for such ignorance, after all this is not like not knowing the names of all 10 essential amino-acids, it's basic comprehension, maybe I should punish him. yes I'll make him-"

CRASH

"AAH" exclaimed Twilight in pain "What in Tartarus?"

"Twilight, are you alright?" Spike had rushed to her side and looked at her head, concerned upon seeing the small cut on her forehead.

"I'm fine Spike, thank you" she said calming down.

"What is that?" Said spike pointing at the long, curly metal object on the ground, that had just flown through the window.

"I don't know" said Twilight rubbing her forehead just noticing the object "Looks like a branch but it's made of... metal?" she seemed slightly confused but nevertheless fascinated.

"Um... Twilight..." said Spike, barely audible as if she were talking to a girl he felt like an idiot around instead of the pony he felt closest to.

"What is it Spike" asked twilight with a slight sigh.

"Your face is-" he began sounding slightly embarrassed.

"My face? After being so ungrateful he's really going to INSULT me?!" she thought, furious with the mere thought of it.

"What is i-" she stopped mid sentence. Before she could start scolding him. She had seen her reflection in the glass on the cupboard in front of her. Blood was dripping from the small wound on her forehead "Oh, thanks" she said trying to hide the bit of embarrassment she felt for almost yelling at him.

She raised her head as if she were a snobbish Canterlotian unicorn seriously concerned about the reasons for which Celestia allowed the common peasantry within the walls of Canterlot. With a bright flash of light from her horn the cut disappeared.

"Thanks Spike" Twilight suddenly felt content. For whatever reason the feeling she had when she woke up now returned, she felt at peace, as if nothing could go wrong that day "Crap, the eggs!" She exclaimed quickly taking the now slightly burned bacon and eggs off of the stove.

She threw them onto a plate and palced it onto the table where Spike had been sitting just moments ago. "Bon apetit Spi-" she was interrupted by the disgusting sounds of Spike shoving the food down his throat. She didn't mind, she was happy that he wasn't refusing to eat like any other kid would.

"Well, I better go get this thing to someone who might actually know what it is, or at least get a new window" she said looking at the shards that used to be such a nice, functional window mere minutes ago.

"Fweat, bould yoo wind fettin some fems" said Spike mouth full with his delicious breakfast.

"Yes, yes I would" Twilight said annoyed while walking out of the kitchen, shards in a plastic bag..

"He is so going to reshelf section C tonight" She thought while putting the mysterious metal object into her saddle bag.

The noon was as beautiful as the morning. Most ponies were already up and getting on with their jobs. Twilight wanted to take the mysterious object from the morning to the town blacksmith Iron Sting, he was known for collecting strange items no one wanted so if anyone could determine the purpose of this thing, it would be him. She took the long hard thing out and examined it, an intrigued look on her face. Her concentration, however, was momentarily broken after she stumbled and accidentally sent it flying across town square.

"OUCH" exclaimed an earth pony with dark plue and pink mane, rubbing her stomach coated in a yellowish white, the object had obviously hit her.

"I'm so sorry Bon Bon, are you alright?" Twilight said slightly exhausted.

"Wha- oh no I'm fine, thanks Twilight" replied Bon Bon slightly deconcentrated.

"What's going on here?" Twilight had just noticed the Lyre on the ground covered in what looked like dung with onions and apples mixed into it and even a few bones sticking out of the sides of the substance.

"She said my Cooking was horrible!" Said bon Bon pointing at the lime green unicorn opposite of her.

"I didn't say it was horrible!" retorted Lyra in a rather irritated manner "I simply said that I get physically sick every time you cook, it's a totally different thing"

"It is NOT a different thing!" yapped Bon Bon "In fact that's even worse!"

"Oh come on Bon Bon, you know you're great at making food" the lime green unicorn tried to calm her down "you're just not that good at making food ponies need to eat every day" she blew it immediately.

"OK that's it Lyra, I cannot take this humiliation anymore, I am leaving you" Bon Bon said, how serious she was seeming questionable.

"No, Bon Bon please, I didn't mean what I said, I love your food no matter how legitimately dangerous it may be, please don't go!" She said trying to win her over again, her tone like the one of a playboy from a cheesy TV interpretation of a bad romance novel from the 50s.

"No Lyra, you can't win me back that easily this time. This time I am serious, I am an independent, emancipated, self-respecting mare who can stand on her own hooves, I don't need yo- WHOAH" she let out a shriek as the stumbled upon the metal object, sending her rolling straight down the hill.

"BON BON!" screamed Lyra running down to check on her beloved "Are you alright?"

"I... I think so" she said rubbing her head "But what do you care, anyways? I'm nothing but a bad cook and a nuisance to you, remember?"

"Oh Bon Bon" began Lyra in a sweet, comforting voice "How could you think that even for a single second, just because I don't like your cooking, doesn't mean I don't like you, you are the only mare in my life, and no amount of painfully contrived conflict or food poisoning will ever make me think otherwise"

"Oh Lyra" said Bon Bon, sickeningly in love before the two succumbed to a kiss.

"Although that should have been kinda obvious" said Lyra casually.

"Don't ruin the moment" replied Bon Bon slightly irritated.

"Right"

Twilight smiled as she watched this. She picked up the mysterious object and observed it for a while.

"Could it be that... no, that would be ridiculous" she said with a chuckle before putting it back into her saddle bag.

She continued to the marketplace. It was as full as always, ponies bargaining, showing off their wares and some even walking around being exceptionally decadent. The stands built into the ponies cottages were brimming full with everything, from food over utilities to exotic dresses and potion ingredients. There was even one stand with nothing but hats with ear warmers for dogs. Twilight kept walking forward to the craftsmanship section when she heard a loud sound coming from the side. Numerous things were flying out of the windows of a nearby store, a gray pegasus flying out the window just managing to evade a cauldron that flew through it barely 1.56 seconds after she flew out.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to eat them all!" yelled the gray mare apologetically.

"HADN'T YOU MEANT IT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT!" yelled an orange mare from the window "YOU ATE THE ENTIRETY OF MY WARES!"

"I already said I'm sorry!" begged the pegasus flying to the ground.

"Sorry ain't gonna pay the bills moron!" yapped the earth pony from the window.

"Hey don't call me that, I'm not a moron" the poor gray pony was now almost in tears.

"Hey you can't call her that!" Twilight entered the fray, angry at how the orange pony treated the young mare. Nothing she had done could have possibly  been so wrong to justify such insults.

"I can call her whatever I want, she's my employee! Although that last part can be subject to change." the orange mare threatened.

"No please, don't! I'll never do it again, I promise! I'll even work double time just please don't fire me!" The gray mare was now begging, obviously frightened upon the thought of losing her job.

"Why you little-" Twilight was now furious at the treatment of the poor mare "What did she even do to deserve such treatment?!"

"She ate my monthly muffin supply! Half of Ponyville goes crazy over these, I always make a fortune off of them!" the bastard from the window now barked at Twilight.

"You little piece of-" a slight thud was heard from the ground next to Twilights legs. The mysterious object had fallen out of her saddle bag and dragged along with it was the bag or money Twilight had intended to buy a new window with "Hey, you know what" she flew to the window "how much did it cost?" she asked with a smirk.

"About 300 bits" the mare in the window replied slightly confused.

An evilish, demeaning smile came over Twilights face "Here, keep the change" She pushed the bag into her hooves "And for the record, these wings" after landing, Twilight showed forth her magnificent new wings that had already brought her so much adoration from her subjects and so many death threats from others "I don't wear them just for fun, and if I ever hear of you mistreating this mare here, you, me and the military will have a serious problem" she picked up the crowbar and turned her back on the conflict leaving both mares baffled.

She was now on the front door of the blacksmith's cottage. She knocked on the door, and then she began thoroughly examining the long, curly metal pole in her hoof. So much had happened that day, from her being unusually annoyed by Spike's behaviour to a potential breakup luckily averted to even a conflict that could have potentially left a pony unemployed. SO much could have gone so horribly wrong that day, yet it didn't. And almost always was this object involved. Had it not hit her, in the head when she was making breakfast, she would have punished Spike for arbitrary reasons. Had it not wounded her, she would have yelled at him, in an utterly unacceptable manner. Had Bon Bon not stumbled upon it, she may have broken up with Lyra, and had it not fallen out of her bag, an innocent pony may have been fired by her already obviously ungrateful employer. So many catastrophes were averted this day. And it was all to this. To think of the possible consequences, , the traumas Spike could have suffered, the empty Lives Bon Bon and Lyra would have lead, the depression Derpy may have suffered after losing her job. Unthinkable! And all of that, all of that was prevented by this simple, beautiful object. This beautiful, extraordinary, curved, thick, sturdy, long, long, shiny, hard-

"Why hello there Princess Twilight" said a gray bearded pony at the door.

"TAKE THIS!"

Twilight screamed this of the top of her lungs as she completely missed the poor pony's hooves and slammed the pole into his face galloping away at a ridiculously fast pace.