Cards Against Equinity

by Door Matt

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 9362

A Party Game for Scandalous Ponies

When Maud Pie officially endorses the latest party game to hit Equestria, Pinkie can't wait to share it with her friends.

For all the wrong reasons, it's a game they won't soon forget.

The trendsetter so controversial, 60% of FimFic's mods ruthlessly crushed the subsequent bandwagon!

Stuff said about CAE:
"I never knew I wanted this until now!" - Xomniac
"Despite your vileness, I can't stop laughing at this fic!" - Professor Tactitus
"Illuminati confirmed." - AlesFlamas
"So weird, I reviewed it twice!" - John Perry

Rated Teen, but brace yourselves for some rather 'near-the-knuckle' humour and strong-ish sexual references. Oh my.

Edited by Kolth

Published 2014-11-03 01:40:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-11 01:57:24 UTC

The Game (Pt. 2)

On a grassy hill just outside of Ponyville, two vastly contrasting figures climbed upwards in the relative darkness. The smaller of the couple clutched a freshly grown carrot to his chest as he hopped.

“You see Angel, all work and no play makes for a dull pony. And if one harmless little game isn’t enough play to go around, what is?”

Not entirely sure if the twinkle in his companion’s eye was merely a reflection of the night sky or something rather more self-projected, Angel bounded onwards. His one recurring thought was that this trek all the way out here had better be worth it.

Pinkie hummed quietly to herself in blissful ignorance, letting the random sounds of shifting cards wash over herself and the room at large. To a casual observer, it might have first appeared as if the temperature in the local area was rising, as progressively large amounts of sweat decorated the heads of the five other ponies taking part in the innocent looking game. Not to mention the one or two cases of flustered cheeks and the odd quirk of an eyebrow following the third re-read of a card that couldn’t possibly be saying what they thought it said; swiftly displaced by the wide eyes of a realisation that yes, it was saying just that.

Eventually the five cards came in, and Pinkie clutched at them with gusto. Each of her friends gritted their teeth, believing in turn that although their played cards had been pretty bad, surely the others didn’t have worse ones.

“Why am I sticky?” Pinkie repeated, and turned over the first white card. She gasped. “‘Shining Armour!’”

Twilight’s brain had been through many ordeals in its time, but even that vast experience provided no defence as the first bursts of laughter erupted from Rainbow and Applejack. Even Rarity succumbed, wiggling her hooves uncontrollably as delirium took hold. If the ground could have swallowed Twilight up right there and then, she would have been eternally grateful to it.

“Guys! Stop it! It’s not funny! He wouldn’t...c’mon! That’s sick! Please, calm down!” she pleaded, brain trying to purge all impure thoughts.

“Yeah!” Pinkie surprisingly spoke up, to Twilight’s gratitude. “Just because the card that’s so-definitely gonna win was played first doesn’t mean you get to laugh yourselves out before I can read the others!” And the gratitude melted away faster than a snowpony in the desert.

“I..um...don’t actually get it…” Fluttershy strained to make herself heard next to the guffawing Rainbow. “What’s the next one?”

“Why am I sticky…?” Pinkie paused for the few vital moments needed for her three friends to quieten down. “‘A gentle caress of the inner thigh.’”

Dash instantly snickered. “Sounds like he did more than that, am I right!?”

“That’s. Not. Funny!” Twilight wailed.

“Yeah, that’s enough about Shining. Ah’ll admit to thinking the worst there, but don’t go overboard now.” Applejack glanced warning sign eyes over to the pegasus.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll play the card with your brother in next time,” she retaliated, smiling a wicked grin.

Applejack hesitated for a moment. “Yer bluffing.”

“Oh really?”

“Hush hush hush!” Pinkie waved her hooves like a mad-mare. “The round’s not over yet! Card number three for why I’m sticky is...'The sweaty armpit of a minotaur.' Ewww...really?”

No laughter this time; all six ponies blanched slightly at the mental image. Rarity in particular felt the need to reach for a bucket and numerous toiletries. For Fluttershy however, the experience had been all too real, and she quickly drowned the memory of Iron Will’s vice-like grip.

“Why am I sticky?” Pinkie’s pupils visibly dilated upon reading the words of the fourth card. “‘Junk-rubbing Celestia’s favourite cake.’”

Rarity just about managed to stifle another bout of laughter with a well-timed cough. If Pinkie and Rainbow even tried, they failed dramatically - both launched into giggle-fits. Twilight on the other hand, looked as if she had been hoofed in the gut.

“This is not the kind of game I was expecting to play at all. How could anything like this be approved for public use?!”

“Oh come now Twilight,” Rarity replied. “The cards themselves are harmless! We are the ones matching them up and drawing all sorts of...impure parallels. I’m having a wickedly good time so far I must say.”

“I’m serious. You haven’t seen the rest of my cards yet.” Twilight patted her deck angrily. “I can guarantee you Princess Celestia won’t approve of this.”

“Doubt it. Probably too busy eating cake to notice...” Dash whispered to Fluttershy.

“I heard that!” Twilight rounded on Dash. “Just because she volunteered to judge that dessert competition that one time doesn't mean she has an obsession! Her body-mass index is perfectly average!”

“There there.” Pinkie rubbed a comforting hoof on Twilight’s back. “No need to get all shouty-whouty when I haven’t read out your card yet.”

“I know, I know. I’m fine. It’s just…” Twilight slid back in her seat and grabbed her juice, chugging down a large gulp. For good measure she slicked back the few mane strands that had stuck out. “Wait, how do you know the last card is mine-”

“Annnddd finally...why am I sticky!?” Pinkie tipped her seat back, ready to topple forward with a bellowed answer. “‘Tasting the Rainbow!’”

It wasn’t so much the line itself that made Dash recoil in turnabout horror. It was that Pinkie had delivered it while staring right at her. And as if being on the receiving end this time wasn’t bad enough, to have Fluttershy of all ponies break the monumentally awkward two seconds of silence with abrupt wheezes of laughter was the cherry on the damned princess-loving cake.

Twilight sensed the opportunity for revenge. “Doesn’t feel so good now does it? Hehehe.”

“Oh flock off, featherface. That card doesn’t mean anything anyway!” Dash said in defiance, folding her hooves.

“Ah dunno,” Applejack chimed in. “Ah reckon that definitely coulda meant something. "

“We’ll see who’s laughing after the next rou...PINKIE! STOP STARING AT ME!”

“Dawww...but I just got kinda lost in your mane for a minute there.” Fluttershy cracked up again, inducing Dash to bump her head down against the table.

“I’m sorry...but...for some reason...I just found that really funny.” Fluttershy playfully ruffled Dash’s mane.” Good card Twilight. Umm...so who won?”

Pinkie snapped to attention and hurled the five cards upwards. “That was a pretty great round, and I wish they all could win, buuuuttttt...” Only one found itself grabbed in a pink hoof on its way back to the table surface. “I gotta go with the cake one!”

“What!?” “Crud! Who’s was that?” Twilight and Rainbow yelled in unison.

“Umm...mine…”

“Seriously!? You again?” Dash shot daggers at Fluttershy.

“Well everypony knows how much I love cake, Dashie. And it’s Fluttershy’s go next, so somepony else can win this round,” Pinkie said, returning the cards to the back of the box.

“Oh! R-right...let me just…” After a sip of juice - perhaps for dutch courage - Fluttershy reached out a tentative yellow hoof to take the next black card lying in wait, while the others restocked their decks. Then, she drew a deep breath.

“‘When I am Equestria’s newest princess, I will immediately enforce...blank.’”

Eyes immediately snapped downwards; Fluttershy looked up to see her friends buried in concentration. What she couldn’t notice was Twilight’s mind almost crashing again having picked up and reading yet another disturbingly suspect card.

“That’s not a bad question at all,” Rarity pondered out loud. “One does have idle fantasies of what one could do with royal powers for a day.”

“I bet they’re not what I have to do sometimes. Or what these cards are about to suggest,” Twilight deadpanned.

Again, Pinkie was first to decide. Applejack next. Then Rarity. Rainbow seemed momentarily torn between two options before finally making a choice.

“Ugh, these cards are...here...this one. What the hay.” Twilight placed her answer down with the rest.

“Yay. This is quite exciting actually,” Fluttershy cheeped, genuinely enthusiastic.

“Well duh! You’re winning! Not even I could see that coming!” Pinkie said.

“Oooh, I bet not for long. Okay. Here I go.” She ruffled her wings. “When I am Equestria’s newest princess, I will immediately enforce...'licking the Elements of Harmony.'"

“Snk...no chance of that happening now,” Twilight snorted, while Pinkie drooled with wonder imagining what they might actually taste like - a question now doomed to be unanswered for all eternity.

“‘As a Princess, I will immediately enforce...unicorn elitism.’”

Rarity sniggered, triggering a withered look from Applejack.

“Oh, ya think that’s funny do ya? Just remember who grows the food around here and who makes the dresses. Can’t live chowing down on dumb fabrics now can ya?”

“Applejack!” Rarity gasped. “You know I am a fervent supporter of equal rights for all.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Now Twilight on the other hand…”

“Hey!”

Rainbow almost coughed up her just-swallowed drink in a spasm as Fluttershy turned over the next card.

“I might also enforce...umm…” Hesitating, she squinted at the words. “‘Slapping a biscuit out of Scootaloo’s mouth.’ Gee willikers, that’s not-”.

Fluttershy found herself drowned out by heavy wheezing via her pink friend’s bombastic lungs. “Oh my GOSH! Who comes up with this stuff!?”

“That’s mean! And you Twilight...not nice.” Fluttershy said, noticing the latter had planted her entire hoof in her mouth to stop laughing. “I will enforce...’turning up drunk to the school play.’”

For a brief moment, they all looked at each other. Then, for the first time that evening, the six friends bawled with laughter together.

“Heh, could ya picture that?” Applejack finally said, a broad smile plastered to her face. “Cheerilee would ban us from the school for life, ah reckon.”

“I was actually picturing the kids drunk,” Rainbow grinned and cricked a couple of neck bones.

“Okay...okay.” Fluttershy said, rebalancing her seat. “Last one. As the newest Princess, I will immediately en-”

Her mouth stopped as she revealed the fifth card.

“What is it? Is it a good one?” Rarity questioned.

Suddenly Fluttershy's skin turned deathly pale.

“YouknowmaybefourcardsisenoughsinceIkindahaveawinnerinmindalreadysotheresnoneedforthisone-”

“Ah bub bub! That’s my card! I’ll read it if you don’t.” Rainbow said, affronted.

“Eeek! I’ll….I’ll do it…it’s umm...” Fluttershy’s upper body regressed once more beneath the table.

“'Clopping off to a sunset'.”

“Say again?” Twilight asked.

“Clah...clopping off to a sunset…”

Rainbow fell off her chair in absolute hysterics.

“Ah don’t get it. What the hay does that mean? Twili-” Twilight had her head in her hooves. “Anypony?”

“Ahem...well...it’s...uhh…slang for...” Rarity began. “At least, if it’s what I think it means…”

“It doesn’t matter! The school play one wins!” A red sphere of steam and heat currently occupying the position of Fluttershy’s head rose above the table’s edge, and flailing hooves scattered the cards of the round as far away as possible. Pinkie reached out and snatched the black card with glee.

“Woohoo! One awesome point! Go Pinkie...go Pinkie…”

“Damnit!” Rainbow returned to her chair still leaking tears. “Oh wait, it’s my turn. Cool!”

“I can’t believe we’re still playing this.”

“Ah’ll admit Twi, despite the uhh...wrongness, there’s some sorta rightness to this game that ah just can’t fathom.”

“We’re at least letting everypony have a turn, right?” Pinkie asked, clutching her card-turned-point preciously.

“You bet! Definitely not quitting now. I haven’t had this much fun since the Wonderbolt Academy!” Dash pulled out the fourth black card. “Oh no way, check this out! ‘Next in the series from AK Yearling: Daring Do and ba-lank.’”

Twilight looked at the game box closely. “I’m getting a little suspicious about the order these cards are coming in.”

“Who cares? Pick your answer, scrub.”

“B-but, don’t you think it’s more than a little coincidental that our question cards are-”

“Booorrring!”

Twilight sighed through gritted teeth and took another white card. At least she had a couple of decent options for this round, comparatively speaking. Rarity meanwhile got her answer in early and swigged some more juice.

“Is it me or am I getting a vague impression that alcohol should be served during this game?”

“It couldn’t possibly make it any worse.”

“Try an’ see the bright side Twi. We’re all laughing ain’t we?”

“Less talking, more cards!” Dash proclaimed, before receiving Pinkie’s chosen card straight on the muzzle. “Gah!”

“H-here…” Fluttershy said, looking like she had aged ten years. Twilight’s and Applejack’s cards soon followed.

“Awesome!” Rainbow squeed. “And now girls, presenting the latest spectacular book from AK Yearling, ‘Daring Do and...a barnyard full of corpses...?’ Huh...that’s grim.”

“Wait, didja say barnyard?” Applejack asked.

“Yup. It's not your one is it?" Rainbow took Applejack's death glare like a champ. "Anyway, next from AK, ‘Daring Do and...goddamned BATS!’”

“Woah, hey! You just scared Fluttershy!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Rainbow noogied Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Bats is in all capitals though. That means you have to shout it.”

“Huh, so it is,” Rarity said, peering over to look.

“Next up: ‘Daring Do and...the inevitable return of Nightmare Moon.’ Cool, I’d read that!”

Twilight looked unimpressed. “You’d read Daring Do and the...pink...fluffy pony if Yearling wrote it.”

“And I wouldn’t regret a second.”

“There’s no way we’re telling Princess Luna about this either. I’m pretty sure we’d get banished just for playing it.”

“Where’s the funny answers?” complained Pinkie.

“Maybe, this one?” Dash pulled out the next card. “‘Daring Do and...Cyber-Ponies.’”

“Psy-bur whut now?” Applejack looked thoroughly confused.

“You don’t know? It’s a reference to another series about a time travelle-”

“If it’s not Daring Do, I’m not interested.” Rainbow silenced Twilight. “You were right Pinkie, none of these have been funny. This one better be good.”

Fluttershy couldn’t bear to watch.

“‘Daring Do and...mmpphh...woah, a sad hoofjob!’”

The timid pegasus could do nothing as Rarity physically left her seat and went to lean against the wall, wildly sniggering. Pinkie’s laughing was actually generating enough force to spin her around in her seat, while Applejack and Twilight both tried to cover their faces with nearby objects; the former’s hat doing a much better job of hiding the blushing than the latter’s glass of juice.

“I don’t understand. It-it’s not on purpose! Nearly all my cards are like that!”

“Yeah, you definitely win that one. Just look what you did to Rarity!” Rainbow said, sliding over the black card to join the growing collection.

“I-I’m okay!” she giggled. I just need to...phew! Need to cool down a bit.” Returning to her seat with a fan, she began to flap it against herself.

“Mah turn then huh?” Applejack reached for the next question as Twilight undertook deep breathing exercises in order to purge her blushes. “Alrighty then. ‘Coming soon to a street near you, blank, the musical! Hm, betcha we’ll get some interesting ones outta that.”

Almost a full minute of card movement and shuffling ensued. Twilight and Rarity both sneaked looks at Fluttershy, silently dreading what further messed up cards she had still to play.

At last - after Rarity took the turn of longest to decide on an answer - Applejack fanned out the received cards and raised a hoof to reveal them.

“First up, coming to a street near you: ‘taunting the elderly’, the musical number.”

Pinkie snorted a fairly quiet chuckle by her standards. “Hmm...we do sing a lot in public places don’t we?”

“Yeah, but not about seniors.” Rainbow said. “I think Applejack’s granny might kill us if we did that.”

“Unless it were a nice song. Granny would be pleased as punch about that. Alright...the next song coming to a street nearby is...ah! Whoever played this gets points for tryin’ ta’ be smart. ‘Cards Against Equiniti’, the musical number!”

Nods and murmurs of agreement spread around the table.

“Quite clever, but I don’t envy anypony who’d attempt singing about this game. Certainly not in front of the foals.” said Rarity.

“They’d learn a bunch more than in school,” Rainbow smirked deviously.

“Ewwww!” grimaced Pinkie.

“Movin’ swiftly on!” Applejack said loudly, having noticed Fluttershy’s expression of pure horror. “Next song for the streets is, ‘a mating display’, the musical number!”

This time the tittering started with Twilight, and the entire table lit up once again. “Didn't you first tell me about those, Dash?” She asked after her breathing pattern returned to normal.

The pegasus baulked. “Hat-tay was a eecrut-say,” she whispered, flushed.

“Ooooh, riddles!?” Pinkie’s eyes sparkled.

“Aha...sorry.” Twilight rubbed the back of her head, trying to ignore Applejack’s quizzical look. “Nevermind. Next one?”

“Oh...kay. Next one is...what the-” Applejack vividly flinched in her chair and pulled back in clear disgust. “‘Lactation’, the musical number...tha’s just wrong on so many levels...seriously Dash?” She looked up to see the pegasus in real trouble of staying balanced on her seat again.

“Bahahahahahaha!”

“You’ve got a sick mind, ya know that?”

“Oh...now you’ve done it. I’m definitely playing your brother’s card next turn.”

“Still don’t believe ya.” Applejack pushed away the ‘lactation’ card with as much reluctance as if it had actually once been covered in bodily fluids. Underneath lay the last card of the round.

“And finally, coming to a street near you...n-na...” Her train of thought didn’t so much stop as leave the tracks altogether and fly away with the intention of never returning. She took a deep breath and tried again, suddenly aware she had forgotten how to control the pitch of her voice.. “‘Natural stallion enhancement’, the musical number.”

There was nowhere to hide as the blushes returned with a vengeance. Applejack couldn't tell if the rising heat was more apparent in her own face or from the ponies around her. Not that Pinkie or Rainbow apparently cared - both were laughing their heads off.

“A proper lady should not find such things amusing,” Rarity said, though the obvious discolouration in her cheeks implied she thought something about it. Twilight and Fluttershy had their heads in their hooves, quite apparently in the same boat.

“I am never singing in public again,” Twilight said.

“Can we get a winner please?” Fluttershy muffled through her limbs.

“Errr…” Applejack realised she had totally forgotten what the previous cards had been; her inner thought process resembled a bowl of mashed potatoes. “Uhh...mating display made us all laugh pretty good right?”

“Come on!” Rainbow yelled in antipathy. “How could you not find that last one funny? Think about it!”

“Ah don’t want to think about it! That is the last thing ah want to be thinkin’ about!”

“Uugghh...fine! Who had mating display?”

Fluttershy’s right hoof very reluctantly rose upwards.

“What!? Three points after four rounds!? Tell me your secret!” Pinkie pleaded. Across the table, Rainbow looked like she was about to burst a blood vessel.

“My my, who could’ve predicted this? That’s an impressive lead.” Rarity said, for some strange reason feeling almost proud of her friend’s achievement.

“But I’m telling you...it’s the cards...oh...gosh…” Fluttershy flailed.

“And now for the turn of the hostess!” Rarity took no hesitation in magically lifting the sixth black card towards herself, reminding everyone to re-stock. As she took her first look however, she chuckled nervously.

“Ah...ahahahahaha...let’s try and not be too silly with this round ladies. I fear we wouldn’t want to inadvertently offend somepony...important…”

“Why? What’s it say?” Twilight asked. “I mean Princess Celestia has already been mentioned, so who else coul-.” Her eyes widened as Rarity turned over the card for all to see.

“Oh.”

“I can’t read upside-down.” Pinkie said, frowning. “You gotta say it.”

Rarity sighed a sigh for the ages.

“‘What helps Princess Luna unwind?’”

The Game (Pt. 3)

How beautiful our kingdom has become.

Princess Luna soared among the clouds, far above the city of Canterlot. The mountain was almost invisible in the darkness, but the twinkling lights below easily marked out the urban sprawl clinging to the mountainside. Between the sparkles below and the stars above, lost in endless comforting darkness, she felt right at home.

The night was warm - lacking in any real bite from the wind - and thus Luna immediately twigged to the soft burning sensation touching the tips of her ears. Nopony really knew what caused this occasional yet random occurrence, but a fairly common explanation based more on superstition than anything else had it that it was a sign of somepony talking about you from far away.

Luna remembered this story from long ago, from the time of her first rule, and she smiled. Folding her wings, she dipped below the cloud-line, wondering who might possibly be discussing her and what lovely things they could be saying.

Rarity couldn’t hear anything above the laughter. Most of it was coming from Rainbow Dash across the table, but Pinkie Pie to her left was certainly pitching in an admirable quantity herself. Either side of the unicorn, Twilight and Applejack were not laughing. In fact Rarity got the strange sensation of feeling like she was sandwiched inside an oven, so potent was the blushing embarrassment radiating from both of them and permeating her personal space. Not to mention Fluttershy, who had once again emigrated from her seat to seek refuge on the floor below.

Rarity didn’t know where to look, so she settled downwards on the rest of her cards. Besides them, the upturned card she had first read out for the round. It had been Rainbow Dash’s card, and boy had she made good on her threat from before.

“What helps Princess Luna unwind?”

‘Big Mac’s big surprise’

Rarity was a lady first and foremost, but she had taken the game’s first few rounds in good spirit, playing along to the...unique humour. Sure it was slightly undignified, but she had cried, tantrumed, lost all reason and much more among her close friends, and they hadn’t thought any less of her then. So what was a bit of playful teasing behind closed doors after all?

But a mare of her insight could not fail to notice now that a line had been crossed. The game had become decisively personal.

“Ah can’t believe you’d do that!”

“Looking a little sweaty there AJ. You feeling alright?” Rainbow managed to get out between salvos of howling laughter.

Twilight rounded on her friend as Applejack pulled her hat over her face for a second time that evening. “Don’t you think that was a little much?”

“You’re in the same boat ya know.” Pinkie playfully nudged Twilight’s side.

“I am not!”

“Dears, I...that’s enough Rainbow. Help Fluttershy back up to the table if you would be so kind. I think we’re all letting the game get to our heads a little bit.” Rarity looked at each of her friends as she talked, hoping her natal smile would calm things down. “As I said, don’t be too silly. It’s quite easy to get carried away.”

Rainbow silently scoffed as she practically dragged Fluttershy upwards, miffed at the usual suspect playing party-pooper. Still, she was fairly confident no-one had a better card than that.

“Now then, I shall continue.” More than anything, Rarity didn’t want ‘Big Mac’s big surprise’ constantly in the bottom corner of her vision. “What helps Luna unwind...’a sassy zebra’”.

“I don’t get it,” Pinkie said, after a decisive few seconds of not-laughing from anyone.

“Me neither, though Rainbow’s card would be a tough act to follow I guess…” Twilight dredged the last of her pineapple juice.

“I’m telling you, no-one’s gonna beat me! That awesome point is alllll mine,” Rainbow said, kicking back in her seat while Applejack silently fumed.

“Perhaps not Rainbow. After all…” Rarity flipped the next white card in her collection. “What else helps Luna unwind? Um...oh….oh my...uh....’daddy issues'".

“Pssshhhhh!” Pinkie snorted juice through her nose, having picked an unfortunate time to finish her own drink.

“Now that one definitely doesn't make sense,” Twilight said. “There’s never been any record of the Princesses’ parentage, and they haven’t mentioned anything to me about it, or to anypony for that matter.”

“Who said it had to be her dad?” Rainbow quipped.

“AHEM!” Rarity effectively brought all attention back onto her. “Next...what helps Luna unwind...um…” She looked a little more closely at the fourth white card. “‘Hosting a libricide party for Twilight Sparkle.’”

Quite to the others’ surprise, Fluttershy immediately kicked off with light yet adorable chuckles.

“Huh? What’s it mean? What’s it mean!?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up and down in her seat. Next to her, Twilight had turned a quite unfetching tint of pale.

“It’s...ahm...umm…” The more Rarity thought about it, the harder it was to prevent laughing herself. “It means an event where you’d...burn books, rather obvious why Twilight’s name has been chosen there.”

“Yeah yeah, thanks Mrs Dictionary,” Rainbow said, flicking a casual hoof.

“Umm...I knew that too…” Fluttershy said faintly.

Rarity patted her haunted alicorn friend on the back and ignored Dash’s comment, before turning her attention to the last white card. “Lastly, what helps Princess Luna unwind?” It turned over in her hooves. “‘Inappropriate laughing at Derpy.’”

“Oh come on!” Rainbow said straight away. “She doesn't deserve that!”

“Wait, who?” Twilight asked, confused.

“You know, Ditzy Doo. She accidentally wrecked the town hall half a year ago.”

“Oh! Of course I know Ditzy! Who the heck calls her ‘Derpy’? That’s a strange nickname.”

“It does sound kinda...offensive,” Fluttershy chipped in.

“She told me she’s fine with it so...whatever.” Rainbow shrugged. “Anyway, I believe it’s time for my awesome point?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “How can you be so sure? I most certainly didn’t laugh at Big Ma-...ahm...your card.” Applejack’s piercing and sudden glare had been enough to cease her first trail of thought.

“What!? I saw your face! You were basically dying not to laugh!”

“Well, not everyone has yer sense of humour Dash,” Applejack said, eager to gain some valuable ground back. “Some of us have minds out of the gutter.”

“In truth, I thought the libricide card was quite clever...oh umm...no offense dear.” Rarity changed tact, noticing Twilight’s look like she was about to throw something at her. She took one last glance at the round of cards.

“So…?” Rainbow leant forward.

There was no escaping it. The round had clearly been won from the very start.

“Fine...fine. You win,” Rarity conceded, sliding the black card over. Applejack shot her a look of pure betrayal. “I apologize, but I suppose in...certain moods, one would find that fairly amusing.”

“Aww yeah!” Rainbow launched upwards in celebration, expertly stopping herself before her head crashed into the ceiling. Pinkie hoof-bumped her in congratulation on the way down. “It was only a matter of time.”

“So that’s one point to Dashie, one point to me, and four points for Fluttershy!” Pinkie said, beaming. “You rock!”

“Oh...umm...thanks?” Fluttershy squeaked, clearly unsure whether to be flattered or deeply disturbed.

“We are never speaking about this game to anypony. Anypony.” Twilight bashed her hoof down on top of her pile of cards. “Not our families, not our friends, no-one. The Princesses can not find out about this.”

“Didn’t you say that last week about that transboggriddistation spell you were working on?” Pinkie said.

"Transmogrification...and yeah but...this is different.”

“Trans...whut now?” Applejack enquired, eyebrow raised.

“Oh umm...nothing! Soo...are we crowning Fluttershy the winner then?”

“After one circle!? No way! We’ve barely seen any of the black cards!” Pinkie crowed.

“She’s right. This is way too much fun to stop now!” Rainbow said, clearly believing momentum was with her now.

“It’s a strange game but, we haven’t had fun like this in a long while...and I wouldn’t like to win without letting one of you catch up.” Fluttershy smiled, shooing her fringe away to the side.

“I’m still in if you girls are,” Rarity said.

Twilight looked at Applejack, who sighed. “Yeah yeah...count me in still ah guess. But you’re on very thin ice missy.” She pointed a menacing hoof at Rainbow.

“I swear, I don’t have any more cards of Big Mac!”

Twilight looked at the game box. Afraid as she was that the consequences of today would come back to bite her somehow, truth be told she hadn’t laughed like she had tonight in a long long time. Maybe just one more go around the table…

"Okay then,” she said, levitating a brand new black card out of the box into her grasp. “What do we have here-” Her eyes instantly narrowed as she read an all-too familiar name in the text.

“What is it?” Fluttershy asked.

“Remember what I said about the order of these cards? Well, listen to this. ‘What is Twilight Sparkle’s guilty pleasure?’ I mean there’s simple coincidence and then there’s th-” Twilight looked up. All five of her friends had re-stocked and were now looking for answers. “Hey!”

“What’s so bad about that?” Pinkie asked, eyes not leaving her cards.

“Everything! Just because I said it aloud doesn’t mean I wanted it for this round!” Twilight’s brain frantically thought of an escape route. “Look, can I just switch to another one-”

“Too late!” the pink pony said, prodding Twilight’s nose with her chosen white card gripped in her mouth.

“B-but-”

“Excuse me Princess, but you’re holding up the round.” Rainbow motioned towards the four white cards placed on her side of the table.

Out of ideas, Twilight brought together all five cards as if they were made of plague tissue. On the bright side, maybe the conspicuous order of the deck had led to all the creepy examples already being played. After all - like Pinkie had said - they had barely scratched the surface in terms of actual cards played. By her own quick calculations, there was enough volume here for at least another twenty loops around the table. But, on the other side...

“What is...uhh...my guilty pleasure…” Twilight read, trying not to fear the worst. She turned the first card over. “‘Bad dragons.’

Twilight couldn’t tell who had blushed first, herself or Rarity. Either way, Applejack and - unsurprisingly - Rainbow were both giggling like school-fillies.

“Maybe you shouldn’t tell Spike about this either,” Fluttershy said. She wasn’t laughing, but something lurked behind her wobbling expression.

“I wasn’t going to!” Twilight yelled.

Rarity coughed and brought out the fan again. “He is far too young anyway. I should imagine most of the humour would go over his head.”

“If only I were so lucky,” Twilight said, pushing that card away to make space for the next one. She tried to make her voice as deadpan as possible.“What’s my guilty pleasure? Star Swirl’s luscious beard.’”

Applejack chuckled. “Now that is a partial truth and a half. I’ve heard you yammerin’ on about that pony an’ his beard more than a couple times.”

“He was the most gifted spellcaster of his time! Of course I’d take an interest.” Twilight folded her hooves. Despite her friend’s teasing, she had to admit, the card held some legitimacy. Nopony before or since had shown off such spectacular facial hair.

“See? They’re not all bad answers,” Rainbow said.

“I guess so.” Twilight flipped the third card. “What’s my guilty pleasure? “‘Being fabulous.’”

This time, five pairs of eyes swivelled to examine the rather obviously amused Rarity; the fan she held doing a poor job of covering up her tiny bouts of laughter.

“What? Was it that obvious? I couldn’t resist,” she said.

“What’s my guilty pleasure?” Twilight continued. “‘A gender-swapped clone.’”

“Haha, been takin’ trips to the mirror pool again?” Applejack smirked.

Twilight vigorously shook her head as Pinkie slanted forward. “Oooh, can you imagine if that had happened to me that time? There’d have been a bunch of guy Pinkie Pie’s running around! Ca-razy!”

Everypony in the room apart from Pinkie shivered. Truly it was a horrifying thought.

“You know, thinking about it, how cool would it be to meet a male version of yourself? There’d be so much to talk about!” Twilight pondered aloud.

“Would we even have the same names…?” Fluttershy said.

“Nyeh, I doubt it. Mine would probably be called...err...Dusk Sparkle or Shine or something.”

“Not for my clone. Rainbow Dash is way too cool of a name to just change!” the pegasus said, puffing out her chest.

“Anyway…” Twilight spun the final card around. “What’s my guilty pleas-”

Rarity twigged instantly to the hesitation. “Uh oh, another naughty one?”

Only one word was stamped onto that card. Twilight knew with sickening dread what it meant. Her only hope now was that her friends didn’t.

“It’s umm...ahm, ‘princest’”.

They did. Rainbow tipped back so hard from laughing and kicking off the table that her chair crashed backwards onto the floor. Both Applejack and Pinkie Pie snorted deliriously into their hooves. Only Fluttershy seemed naive, concerned at the chaos around her.

“I think I will get some of that wine after all…” Rarity said, once again leaving the table and sniggering all the way to the kitchen.

“You guys are unbelievable. Unbelievable!” To try and do something, anything except dwell on what had just happened, Twilight draw a white card.

“If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what it means,” Fluttershy said.

“It doesn’t really, but thanks anyway-” Twilight glanced down at her new card. Almost at once, she noticed something strange. “Hey Pinkie, you know that ‘Doctor Disco?’”

Pinkie just about managed to control herself before answering. “Ya huh?”

His first name was definitely spelt D-O-C-T-O-R right?”

“Yessum!”

“So why is it only spelt D-R like a title here?”

Twilight pushed her card forward so the others could get a better look. And then the second after she let go of the card, the greatly trained literature minded part of her brain saw that most beautiful of language tricks: the anagram.

“Oh no…”

One simple casted spell from her horn confirmed it. The D and R magically leapt from one side of the print to the other - swapping places en route - and settled to spell out one particular word.

DISCORD

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. Pinkie gasped so loudly that the noise would’ve bothered Twilight to some degree, were it not for the maelstrom of emotions currently bubbling inside her. Of course...of course...how had they not seen it? This game had his hallmarks all over it!

Twilight looked over to Applejack, hoping the placid earth pony would say something to calm her down before she did something impulsive, only to see her staring slack-jawed at what could only have been the newest white card she’d taken in her hooves. Her eyes glazed over, and the card suddenly dropped from her grasp, settling near the centre of the table where Twilight could easily read it.

Dressing up as Applejack’s undead parents for Nightmare Night

Not terribly far away at the summit of a grassy hilltop, the silence of the evening shattered to the sound of uncontrollable laughter.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! HEE HEE AHO HO HO! THAT’S…THAT’S…AHEHEHEHEAHAHAHA!”

Angel looked up at the draconequus embroiled in mirth, considerably taken aback. A flock of birds nearby scattered in the night, similarly disturbed.

“Oh don’t...pfft hahahahahaaa! Don’t stare at me like that. Here, aheheheh...take a look for yourself.”

Discord threw a bunny-sized pair of binoculars for Angel to catch. He looked through them in the same direction Discord had been aiming his own telescope, and caught sight of a very distraught Applejack fleeing from the direction of the Boutique, with Fluttershy in hot pursuit.

“You see, my sweet Angel? My new product line is a complete success! With results like that, who knows how much chaos a complete rollout could bring!? One box in every home! Oh! And imagine…” Discord spread his mismatched arms wide to the night sky. “Imagine if there was alcohol involved while playing...oh the possibilities are just...too hilarious to believe! Psssshhaaahaaahaaa!”

Angel let the binos fall as Discord once again completely lost himself to uncontrollable laughter; an act of remarkably good timing as the area in front of him suddenly burst with shining light.

“DIIIIISSSSSSCCCCOOOOORRRRRDDDDD!”

The very temperature of the area rose by five degrees as Twilight’s scream punctured the eardrums of every creature still in the local vicinity. At least, it sure as hay sounded like Twilight. What Angel saw more closely resembled what a pony would look like after a flaming daredevil act gone horribly wrong, complete with burning mane.

“Well now, this is a completely unexpected surprise!” Discord said, now sporting a swagalicious pair of sunglasses. “Can we innocent bystanders help you with something?”

“You. Are. Mincemeat!”

“Well that sounds jolly interesting, but I have to iron my uh...my lamp. Can I take a raincheck?”

Twilight bellowed an animalistic roar and charged in a haze of rage, only for Discord to vanish in a puff of smoke at the last second, leaving behind only his footsteps in the dirt and a faint echo of laughter that reverberated throughout the night.

Not wanting to stick around for fear of his life, Angel quickly scarpered off the hill back in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage. His unfinished carrot lay dropped behind in the muddy earth.

"It is good to see you arrive safely Princess Twilight. Welcome,” Princess Celestia said, glimmering with joy.

“Thank you Princess,” Twilight replied, approaching her once mentor in Canterlot’s castle courtyard. They hugged, not caring for their audience of half a dozen guard ponies.

“You said you had to talk about something urgent. Is everypony alright?” Celestia asked, her smile gracefully dropping to a look of mild concern.

“Oh yes...mostly…”

“Does this have anything to do with your trip to the gates of Tartarus yesterday?”

Twilight looked shocked. “You know about that?”

“I have my sources…” Celestia smiled mischievously.

“Oh, well...I just had to dispose of a certain item, where I could be sure no-pony would find it again.”

Celestia thought for a moment, and lit up her horn. With a puff, the day’s copy of the Canterlot Press newspaper appeared in front of Twilight.

“It wouldn't happen to be something to do with this, would it?”

Twilight scanned the headline, and felt her skeleton turn to rubble with each passing word.

LATEST PARTY GAME TO HIT EQUESTRIA IS A HUGE HIT

“From Manehatten to Trottingdale, “Cards Against Equiniti” is the latest must-have tabletop game that has neighbourhoods everywhere clamouring for copies. From a starting rollout of just fifty thousand game boxes yesterday, stores everywhere found themselves sold out within hours, leaving many would-be customers turn away disappointed. The exact reason behind the game’s huge popularity is unclear at this time, but the game’s creator has promised that more copies are on the way, stating in a letter that he would love to see a “copy in every home”. We asked a shop clerk in Canterlot what he thought of the phenomenon…”

Twilight couldn't bear to read anymore. She looked up, and stared straight into Celestia’s eyes.

"What is it Twilight? Is there something I should know about this game?"

“Well...do you want the bad news, or the really bad news…?”

Author's Note

Thank you all so much for reading this very silly story. I hope you left feeling as disturbed as I do for writing it.

Here are some rejected cards that I originally thought of but had no space left for in the end:

Pinkie Pie’s secret ingredient
Actually taking candy from a foal
Burning down the Crusaders’ tree-house
How much the royalty values earth ponies
An unspeakable fetish for small dragons
Rarity at 55
A weekend of regret at Fluttershy’s cottage
King Sombra’s charred remains
Your mom
Casual party drugs
Copping a feel
Breaking out into song and dance
Changelings?

The Game (Pt. 1)

Cards Against Equiniti

by Door Matt

“Soooooo? What do you think? Doesn’t it look like a super duper new way to have some fun!?”

Twilight Sparkle glanced for a moment at her jubilant friend’s expression before looking back at the black box perched precariously on her back. She scanned the wording on the cover for a second time:

Cards

Against

Equiniti

A party game for scandalous ponies

“It looks...unique, I’ll give it that,” Twilight replied rather hesitantly. Being ambushed by Pinkie while out innocently browsing the market was by no means a one-off experience, and while the results were never boring, Twilight preferred to err on the side of caution. Still, the box looked harmless enough, and who didn’t like a party game every now and then? Had to be an improvement over the ‘mystery goo’ from last time. “What’s it about?”

Pinkie spun a full 180 degrees, revealing the text on the back of the box. Twilight took a step forward to be able to read the smaller font.

♆

The game is simple. Each round, one player asks a question from a Black Card, and the other players answer with their funniest White Card.

“Iron Will LOVES this game!”

Iron Will

“A new must for any party!”

Cheese Sandwich

“Completely deserving of royal approval!”

Prince Blueblood

“Why does everyone hate me?”

Flash Sentry

“A game.”

Maud Pie

Cards Against Equiniti is distributed by Doctor Disco, and is a registered trademark of Cards Against Equiniti LLC. Do not steal the name or I will crush you.

Started with BUCKSTARTER™

♆

“Uh huh…” Twilight blinked, failing to make much sense of what she’d just read. “And this ‘Doctor Disco’, you bought it from them?”

“Nuh uh. Maud sent it to me in the mail!” Pinkie replied, ears rolling in delight. “Between you and me, I think she’s proud to have her name on something and wanted to show off, but I’ve gotta play it with you guys to know how great it is!”

“Well...I don’t see why not. It is a pretty big achievement to have your name credited on any kind of product. Plus Cheese seems to like it too. You want the girls and I to come over this evening?” In truth, Twilight wasn’t sure what to make of Maud’s recommendation, though at the very least, it sure sounded like her type of ‘blessing’. Plus a few ponies over by the market stalls were casting odd glances towards the dark carton and Twilight wanted to hurry the conversation along.

“Not to the bakery. The Cakes are trying to get Pumpkin and Pound to settle in earlier, and you know what those rapscallions are like!” Pinkie paused to give Twilight a knowing look. “I already asked Rarity earlier, and she said we could all play it at the Boutique! I think her parents are still on that trip to Manehatten so...yeah! You’re in?” Pinkie launched into a series of barely-contained-anticipation hops, and her earth pony roots showed as her hooves formed an ever-growing crater in the ground,

“A-absolutely!” Twilight replied quickly, before Pinkie could stamp a hole big enough for someone to fall into.

“Woohoo! You rock Twilight! And I’m not just saying that as an expert on rocks!” Pinkie said, causing the alicorn to smirk. For some reason, the geological puns just never seemed to get old; ironic considering the subject matter. “Turn up an hour after sunset. Now I gotta go find Dashy. You seen her?”

“Umm…” Twilight thought for a second. “I think she’d be with the weather team toda-”

Suddenly a large portion of Pinkie’s mane turned a quite strong shade of green. Twilight’s jaw dropped mid-sentence and hung there.

“What’s up?” Pinkie followed her friend’s eye-line upwards. “Oh! Ooh ooh ohh! Strong air currents flowing down from Canterlot Mountain! Dashy must be lowering air pressure over the Everfree! See you later Twilight!”

And in a cloud of colour, Pinkie was gone, leaving Twilight to stand slack-jawed for another twenty seconds before her mental capacity returned.

What seemed to be the latest in a long line of temperate nights settled in as Twilight casually approached Carousel Boutique. Not a single cloud in sight spoiled the view of the sparkling night sky. Promising signs of a pleasant evening ahead.

“Dear! Welcome! Do come in. How is Spikey-Wikey?” Rarity answered the door with a little more buzz than Twilight was expecting. Maybe this game had already made the rounds in certain Canterlot circles?

“Oh, he’s fine.” Twilight replied. “A little suspicious about what this meetup was about, but he’s always grateful for any chance to hang out with the Crusaders. Sweetie was okay to sleepover at Apple Acres?”

“Of course! She relishes any chance to stay with them.” Rarity said, leading Twilight through the immaculate entrance hall.

As should have been expected, Pinkie was already present - chatting to Rainbow Dash at a round table set up in the middle of Rarity’s living room, no doubt already discussing the quaint black box sitting innocently between them.

“Hey Twilight,” Dash called over with a lazily waved hoof. “You ever heard of this thing before?”

“Me? No,” Twilight said, pulling up a chair next to Pinkie. Like every other seating object in the Boutique, the plush lining and feather cushioning made it ludicrously comfy. “I’m probably as new to this as you are, but then Princess Celestia said I should never stop trying new things and...well...you only live once right?”

“Is that a reference to something? I feel like that’s a reference to something...” Pinkie began muttering what sounded like a repeated chorus of "yolo" under her breath.

Before Twilight could answer, her ears pricked as the front door rattled with knocks. Rarity sped away, and soon returned with Applejack and Fluttershy in tow.

“Howdy y’all. Gotta say I’m mighty curious about this here game you’ve arranged.”

“Me too.” Fluttershy followed Applejack’s lead in casting an inquisitive eye over the box, before taking up the remaining empty seats. “I don’t think I’ll do well - I’ve never done very good at games - but I’ll do my best.”

“I don’t think you need to worry dear,” Rarity said, levitating a tray of drinks onto the table with her magic. “We’re all equally new to this game after all.”

Dash grabbed the nearest glass and sniffed at it. “Aww, was hoping for cider.”

“Alcohol? Certainly not!” Rarity gasped. “I do have some Prench Chablis stashed somewhere but that’s being saved for a special occasion. You’ll have to make do with pineapple juice.”

Dash slumped grumpily into her chair, while a purple aura enveloped the game box. Pinkie visibly shook with delight as Twilight raised the lid off, revealing an extraordinarily thin instruction booklet, and naturally - the cards themselves.

“Huh. That’s it? I was expected a board or something, like that...whashat one called...Monopony?” Applejack asked, a tad disappointedly.

“Mmm. Do we just use the cards?” Twilight levitated the booklet over to herself and studied it briefly, flipping it over between her hooves. “Oh I think we do. Guess this really is as simple as it looks, not much to read at all.”

“Sooooo…?” Pinkie grinned. “Are we ready to do this?”

“Heck yeah!”

“You bet.”

“Absolutely!”

“Sure…”

“Then I declare this game of Cards Against Equiniti begun! May the funniest pony win!” Pinkie announced, stretching her left hoof out in front victoriously and narrowly missing knocking over her own drink in the process. “The rules, if you please...”

“Okay,” Twilight flipped open the paper booklet and began reading. “‘To start the game, each player draws ten white cards.’”

“Fair enough,” Applejack reached out for the open box; around 80% of the contents a clear lighter shade than the rest.

“Oooh, wait a second. Allow me,” Twilight said, lighting up her horn. Sixty cards rose upwards like pegasi on a hot air current and shuffled around in the air. Gradually, the airborne pack dealt itself around the table as more than a few impressed pairs of eyes looked on.

“Psshh. Showoff,” Rainbow muttered as the last card settled down in front of Fluttershy.

“Sorry, sorry,” Twilight blushed slightly. “Trixie gave me that card magic book for my birthday and...well....I couldn’t resist. Spike can’t get enough of it.”

“C’moonn. I wanna learn how to play. Can I read these yet or what?” Rainbow’s question prompted a panicked Fluttershy to hurriedly return the card she’d picked up back to her pile.

“Patience Rainbow!” Rarity said. “All in good time.”

Twilight looked back at the booklet. “Right, okay. ‘The game begins with the Card Tzar. This is the pony who most recently po-’”

Five faces looked on as Twilight stopped dead in her tracks, and brought the booklet right up to her face.

“Umm...Twi? You okay there?” Applejack asked, and looked around to see equally puzzled expressions on her friends.

“Aheheh. You know what?” Twilight chuckled nervously with reddened cheeks as she lowered the instructions, but still close enough for only herself to read. “I’ll start as Card Tzar and keep things simple. Umm...ah! I need one of the black ones.”

Pinkie instinctively complied, reaching inside the box and sliding a single black card over. “You read this one out to us, right?”

“Yes, that seems to be the case. ‘Each black card has a fill-in-the-blank phrase or a question,” she continued to read. “Everyone else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one white card face down, to the Card Tzar. He or she then shares each card combination with the group. For full effect, re-read the black card before presented each answer. The Card Tzar then picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one awesome point.’”

“Seriously?” Rainbow asked with a sudden straight posture, to which Twilight nodded. “This sounds like my sorta game already!” Fluttershy smiled while Applejack and Rarity managed to time their eye-rolling together.

“‘After the round, the next player becomes the Card Tzar, and everyone draws back up to ten cards’...ahh I see...so we always have ten.” Twilight said, reading on a little bit. “There’s a bit here about some black cards having two blanks, and there’s a whole bunch of alternate rules, but we should probably stick with the original game for now.”

“Agreed,” Applejack nodded. “Well go on, let’s hear that there first card. I’m itching to hear what lame puns you gals reckon is good comedy.”

“Oh, it, is, on!” Rarity’s eyes lit up in defiance. “I may not know much about stand-up, but surely some of the vaudeville in Manehatten’s clubs has rubbed off on me while I visited there.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” Rainbow uttered as she banged her cards together, earning herself an evil look from the unicorn.

“Shots fired this early!? We haven’t even started yet!” Pinkie giggled, already leafing through her own pile.

Twilight couldn’t prevent a brief snort of laughter. A bookworm she might be, but the others could be right dorks in certain situations too. Part of the reason why she loved them so much. “Well, that’s certainly got us in the right mood! Okay, first card...”

Twilight made an unnecessary but effective show of slowly flipping over the black card; all five of her friends subtly but noticeably craned their heads forward in anticipation. The temperature of the room seemed to increase by five degrees. A single bead of sweat glistened on Fluttershy’s brow. The tension in the air buzzed.

“Oh hey!” Twilight announced with delight, scanning the wording. “This one’s really appropriate to me! Ahem… ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I’m having some trouble with...blank...and would like your advice!’ Wow. That’s pretty coincidental.”

The table came alive with sounds of rustling cards as four ponies began studying their own collections. Fluttershy - the lone exception - shot a worried glance over to Twilight.

“Umm...so...I pick which one I think you’d find funniest?”

“That’s right. Don’t think you have to take it so seriously, it’s only the first round!”

“You know…” Applejack’s expression crocked like a 9th-drink-of-the-night evening partier as she studied her deck. “Some of these cards seems uhhh...how do ah put this…”

“Strange? Familiar? Stramiliar!?” Pinkie gushed, the first to place a card in front of Twilight.

“Definitely strange.” Rarity added her own.

“Wow. Now I’m extra curious to read mine,” Twilight said as Applejack settled on an answer.

A brief laugh escaped Rainbow’s lips as her card came flying over. “No way that one can lose.”

“Ya sound confident.” Applejack smiled and narrowed her eyes at the pegasus, who produced a lovingly crafted yet still very crude hoof gesture in response. “Fluttershy?”

Five pairs of eyes swivelled to the yellow pony - hiding her face behind her row of raised cards. A reluctant peeking above revealed why: her entire face was flushed with claret.

“Ahh...err....t-this one!” A hurried flick of her hoof and the final card of the round settled beside its black counterpart.

“Jeez...what’s up with you? Got some golden cards there?” Rainbow leaned back, attempting to sneak a look.

“Ahh! No! It’s nothing!” Fluttershy hurriedly clutched her cards to her chest. More than a few sweat beads had joined the original.

“Well...that’s all five. Time to see who gets the point!” Twilight scooped up the white cards and began re-reading the black one still on the table. “‘Dear Princess Celestia, I’m having some trouble with…” She glanced to the first white card. “...a gypsy curse...and would like your advice.”

“Ha! No prizes for guessing whose card that is!” Rainbow announced. Pinkie’s eyes took to darting around the ceiling.

“‘I’m having some trouble with…” Twilight continued. “...a duck-sized donkey...and would like your advice. Ooookaay then...I’m having some trouble with...black ponies?’Oh boy. Thunderlane wouldn’t like that one.”

“Seems rather unfair,” Rarity agreed, with Pinkie giggling to herself. “Dark fur is quite the minority, though rumour has it it’ll be the centrepoint of next year’s fashion-line in Canterlot. Preparations are already in place to bring in black ponies from overseas. Quite the expense is being made.”

“Oh my.” Fluttershy hid one eye beneath a lock of pink hair.

“Next one.” Twilight flipped over another card. “‘I’m having some trouble with...the horrifying contents of Fluttershy’s shed...and would like your advice.’”

For a second time, all eyes focused on Fluttershy. Rainbow grinned maniacally, shattering the suspense of whose card it'd been.

“What? But I...oh dear...I don’t even have a...well I guess you could call it a shed but...there’s nothing in there that would be...umm...ahh! How did they even know my name?” she squealed adorably, threatening to sink underneath the table.

“Can’t say I was expecting any of us to be part of the answers either,” Applejack said, tilting her hat back. “Remind me t’pay a visit to your shed next time ah visit the cottage tho’.”

“Me too,” Rainbow smirked.

“Anyway,” Twilight called, hoping to spare her friend’s blushes. “The last card is...’I’m having some trouble with...snk…” A very unladylike snort burst forth as she mentally read the card. “Ahem...puberty...and I would like your advice…”

Fluttershy really did sink underneath the table this time, and Rainbow rounded on her. “No way! That was your one!? Bwahahahahaha!” Dash curled up in a fit of laughter, triggering a chain reaction as Rarity, Pinkie and Applejack followed suit in fits of giggles.

“No argument here! First point goes to Fluttershy!” Twilight announced, levitating the black card over to the now absent space at the table. “Aw, don’t feel bad about it. Princess Celestia actually did give me a few tips when I was too nervous to ask my parents. Like that time-”

“Annnnndd that’s probably more than enough information we need to hear sugarcube.” Applejack interrupted, hastily placing one hoof over her friend’s mouth while using the other to pat her shoulder. “Looks like it’s Pinkie’s turn to be the Saw.”

“It’s ‘Tzar’...” Twilight muttered behind the oral obstruction as Pinkie gladly grabbed the next black card. At the same time, Fluttershy found the inner courage to return to the surface world with as much of her hair covering her face as she could feasibly allow. Only the barest hint of an eye showed through.

“Oh my gosh! You girls are gonna looovvveee this one!” Pinkie smiled an evil, sickly sweet smile that would no doubt impress the richest of chocolate gateaux.

“We’re ready, I think. Rainbow, stop it, it’s Pinkie’s turn.” Rarity wiped her eye to clear away some sniggering-induced tears. “Hit us, darling.”

“Why am I sticky?”

To her innocent yet commendable credit, Pinkie utterly missed the subsequent mortified faces that spread round the table.

Author's Note

To Be Continued

And yes, it does get much worse from here on out.