Choose Your Own Adventure: Brony Hero of Equestria

Chapters

Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Eight
Nine
Eleven
Fourteen
Seventeen
Nineteen
Twenty One
Twenty Three
Twenty Four
Twenty Six
Twenty Seven
Twenty Eight
Twenty Nine
Thirty One
Thirty Two
Thirty Four
Thirty Five
Thirty Seven
Thirty Nine
Forty
Forty One
Forty Four
Forty Six
Forty Eight
Forty Nine
Fifty
Fifty One
Fifty Two
Fifty Three
Fifty Five
Fifty Six
Fifty Eight
Sixty
Sixty One
Sixty Two
Twelve
Forty Two
START
Seven
Ten
Thirteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Eighteen
Twenty
Twenty Two
Twenty Five
Thirty
Thirty Three
Thirty Six
Thirty Eight
Forty Three
Forty Five
Forty Seven
Fifty Four
Fifty Seven
Fifty Nine

Two

“Your lies will not stop my quest for justice, monster!” You bunch your fists and run forwards, striking Tirek on one of his front hooves. The first blow has been struck! You continue to punch him, screaming. “Die beast, die! I am the hero of Equestria! Die!”

Tirek raises an eyebrow as you pummel his leg, seemingly unmoved by this. “You seek to challenge me?” he glowers. “Me, Tirek the demon king?”

You pause from your punchings to look up at the monster. “Yes Tirek,” you boast. “You may be gigantic and mighty and have the power of all hell behind you, and I am just a normal human who has spent way too much time on unsavoury websites about animated ponies, but if there is one thing that television has taught me, it’s that the underdog always wins!” You return to punching his shin.

Tirek sighs, and with a blast of his devilish death vision, incinerates you. He looks at the charred stain on his welcome mat. “That’s going to be hell to clean.”

BAD END

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Three

“I will challenge you Tirek!” you cry. “But to a battle of my own choice!”

Tirek is silent for a moment, but then nods. “Agreed!” he booms. “This amuses me. What form will this battle take?”

You realise that being a demon king, Tirek is probably more powerful than you, and would easily beat you in a physical battle. However, you are an expert brony from Earth, and as such have hundreds of highly-honed skills that he would never have even dreamed of.

You wrack your brains quickly. A fan fiction writing contest? You dismiss the notion – Tirek might also have an expert knowledge of pony shipping pairs. Perhaps you could see who is the best at internet trolling? You shake your head – Tirek was so evil he probably had an army of LOLcat images ready for deployment at a moment’s notice.

You snap your fingers as the answer comes to mind. “I challenge you,” you cry “to a Dance Dance Revolution battle!”

Tirek snarls. “As you wish pitiful mortal!” he roars. “But we will not use the Groove Radar!”

Tirek shows you into his house, making sure you wipe your feet as you enter. Luckily, Tirek has a rather large selection of Playstation games, and while you set up the DDR mats, Tirek the demon king makes some orange squash in the kitchen.

“Don’t put too much water in mine,” you shout as you power up the Playstation. “I like mine strong!” As Tirek enters, you swig your glass of orange concentrate in one gulp, keeping a steely face as the painfully powerful liquid swills into your stomach. Tirek is obviously impressed at how hard-core you are – with a smirk you notice that his own glass of orange squash is especially weak.

“Ladies first,” you sneer as you beckon him towards the dance pad.

Tirek throws a look of utter malice in your direction as he quickly sips down his squash and takes to the mat. “Puny mortal!” he booms, his gigantic centaur feet firmly on each corner of his specially oversized dance mat. “You can never defeat me!”

His expression changes the moment you start the song. “No!” he cries, as a fast paced musical beat fills the air. “Not ‘Drop The Bomb’!” The fast paced dulcet notes of your tune of choice fill the air, and the screen becomes a maze of arrows, scrolling faster and faster past Tirek’s eyes. The demon king summons all of his unholy powers in an attempt to dance to the beats, but he is just too slow, and collapses in a tangle of limbs.

“My turn, I think!” you cry, leaping onto the dance mat and instantly using your masterful skills in the ancient art of DDR to perfectly match every arrow, your feet a wild blur.

Tirek looks upon your majesty with unbridled awe, unable to look away. “Those combos!” he gasps as you start to wave your arms about in the air with wild abandon. “It’s impossible!”

As the song finished, you twirl around, your feet hitting the last arrows in perfect timing, as a triple A rating floats up on the screen behind you. You bow to the shocked Tirek, and step forwards in triumph. “Do you yield, Tirek?”

“No, no!” Tirek steps back, waving his hands in shock. “I am the demon king, I am undefeatable! W-what about something else? ABBA Singstar? League of Legends? I’ll even let you be Shaco!”

“No dice Tirek!” You kick over his coffee table to show your dominance, sending a stack of rustic drink coasters flying. “I win! You lose! Now hand me the Time Orb!”

Tirek sighs glumly, sinking to his demonic haunches. “Fine!” he mutters. “I yield to your superior powers. But I don’t have any ‘Time Orb’!”

Not believing the evil creature, you rampage around his castle, searching in every nook and cranny. Amongst other things, you find a stack of manga, a multipack of Doritos and a box of Transformers. No sign of any Time Orb though.

“Fine, I believe you Tirek!” You announce as you return to his sitting room. “So I’m taking these Doritos instead!” You rip open the packet with your mighty brony muscles and start to victoriously shovel delicious cheesy tortilla chunks into your mouth.

Tirek looks sad. “That was going to be my dinner,” he moans softly.

What will you do?
Explore Equestria some more
Seduce Tirek

Four

Internet! What a great idea! Why bother dealing with the woes of the outside world when you have everything you could ever need in front of you!

You sit down in front of your computer and crack your knuckles, thinking about what you will look at first. Before you stretches the entire wealth of human knowledge and experience, the collected wisdom and art of the ages.

“Ha ha ponies!” You giggle with glee as you go to your favourite pony image site and start to look at pictures of pastel ponies. “I like that one because it is of Pinkie Pie kissing Octavia!” You clap your hands together as all stresses are forgotten.

Suddenly, your computer monitor goes fuzzy, and the screen locks. You frown in annoyance as you reach to press Control-Alt-Delete, mashing the keyboard with your fingers.

Disaster! Your computer starts to shake violently, the motion sending several Coke cans shuddering off your desk. You scramble backwards, to your horror realising that you accidently hit Control-Alt-E. What could that command possibly do?

From your monitor erupts a swirling vortex. You turn your head as the light burns into your eyes, ethereal tendrils of energy unfurling out and grabbing you, sucking you into the hole in reality that has ripped itself open.

Everything goes black.

Wake up

Five

Canterlot Castle! The very name sends shivers down your spine. Shivers of awesome! You wander down the legendary halls, taking in the air of history and nobility that permeates. Ornate staircases wind up and down, the corridors are a maze, but thankfully there is good signposting throughout. Surely within these hallowed halls you will find some clue as to the location of the Time Orb and fulfil your important mission!

What will you do?
Search Luna’s bedroom for clues
Investigate the Time Orb chamber
Find the Elements of Harmony and unleash their power
Grab a coffee and donut
Return to Celestia to talk further
Leave the castle to explore Equestria

Six

“Actually, you know what?” You turn on Luna, surprising the pony princess, who was not expecting you to snap out in such a manner. “I don’t think I like you anymore!”

“W-what?” Luna gasps.

You shake your head slowly. “Back in season one, Luna, you were meek, scared and cried a lot. I liked that! But now I see before me a loud, brave princess and I think ‘I’ve got no chance there’! Shame on you Luna, shame on you!”

“Season one… what?” Luna gapes at you, outraged. “You don’t know me!”

“Oh, but I do Luna, I do!” You stroke your chin as you give a wry smile. “I’ve read all your fan fiction, and I think it’s an insult to bronies over the world that you don’t act exactly like you do in all the fanfics. Even the ones which contradict each other. You may be princess of the moon, but you’ll never be princess of my heart!”

“But I am the princess of the night!” she gasps, circling you as her eyes quiver, about to burst into tears. “I thought you would like that I was sassy and confident!”

“No Luna, no,” you mutter with a low sigh. “You sound like Brian Blessed. And sexy though he is, he is not top on my list of ponies. I’m sorry Luna. Maybe if you work on being an emotional cripple you will regain your fandom. But until then, Fluttershy is my waifu!”

Luna gives a small growl. “Fluttershy!” she hisses. “Always Fluttershy!”

What will you do?
Leave to explore the rest of the castle
Seduce Luna

Eight

“What am I doing here? What are you doing here?” You turn, placing your hands on your hips confidently. “You do realise that I am the Brony Hero of Equestria, right? I can go where I please in my search for the Time Orb!”

“Oh… Oh I see…” Luna is taken aback slightly, staring at you in confusion. “C-carry on then…” She watches you unsurely.

Not wanting to break the illusion that you had been carrying out official work, you carry on rifling through her drawers in front of her. “Wooooo!”! you shout as you pull out a frilly saddle, placing it on your back. “Woooo I’m a pony princess!”

Luna narrows her eyes. “And how, pray tell, is this helping you find the Time Orb?”

“Luna Luna Luna…” you shake your head, trying on a tiara as you do so. “My investigative powers are beyond reproach. This is why you ponies haven’t been able to find the Time Orb yet. This may look like a creepy person going through your possessions, but actually this is high level detective work.”

“I see…” Luna looks suspicious as you continue to cavort around her room. You seem to have got away with it though!

What do you do?
Leave to explore the rest of the castle
Complain to Luna that you liked her in season one better
Seduce Luna

Nine

Equestria!

Before you stretches the promised land! Cartoon birds fly in the sky above your head, and you can see the odd pegasus bobbing and diving amongst the clouds. In the distance you can see Ponyville, peaceful and serene, the location of all your favourite animated pony friends. To the east of Ponyville is the mysterious Everfree Forest – perhaps you will find the answers you seek in this dangerous and forbidding place! At the edge of the horizon you see the dark spires of Midnight Castle where the fiend Tirek lives. Perhaps you should confront him and save Equestria?

Where will you go?
Ponyville
The Everfree Forest
Canterlot Castle
Midnight Castle

Eleven

You decide that it is important to quench your thirst first. After throwing on a t-shirt, crusty socks and some sandals, you race down to the nearest supermarket to buy some Mountain Dew. After filling your trolley to the brim with the delicious life-giving liquid, you pay (thankfully your mum left her wallet out for you to borrow) and decide to go home.

Unfortunately you didn’t realise how difficult it would be to carry all the bottles, and you don’t have enough money left for the bus. Clutching a dozen carrier bags, each bulging with Mountain Dew, you struggle out of the supermarket and start walking down the road.

The bags are heavy and cut into your fingers. Every few steps you need to stop to put them down and have a breather. It is during one such rest break that you hear a strange mewling coming from a nearby alleyway. Putting down your bottles and shaking your hands to get rid of the painful numb sensation, you poke your head into the alley.

On the floor, abandoned, is a small cardboard box, just big enough for a…

You gasp, catching your breath. The box is just big enough for a tiny pony filly. Could it be true? Could you have found a tiny baby Rainbow Dash like in your favourite novel, ‘My Little Dashie’?

What will you do?
Open the box to see if there is a Little Dashie inside
Leave the box where it is so you can go home and play on the internet

Fourteen

You decide that the best way of finding out where the Time Orb is now is to look for clues in the location where it used to be. A guard marches you into the Time Orb chamber. It is a large, circular room, lushly carpeted, though now covered in warning tape to secure the crime scene.

At the centre of the room is a stone pillar upon which must have once sat the Time Orb. It is now empty.

“Damn!” you think to yourself. “That would’ve been easy if it was still there!” With that hope dashed, you mooch about looking for clues. You’re not sure exactly what you’re supposed to be looking for though, and end up skipping over the warning tape shouting “whee! Whee!”

“Excuse me, I’m trying to work!”

You stop mid-jump in surprise, before crashing down into a heap as gravity reasserts its dominance. Standing before you is none other than Doctor Whooves, the famous time-travelling pony! And he doesn’t look particularly happy!

“I’m here to investigate the disappearance of the Time Orb! On the orders of the princess!” Whooves puffs out his chest with self-importance. “So if you’ll just let me get on with it…”

“What?” You clamber to your feet in outrage. “But the princess told me to investigate! I’m the Brony Hero!

Whooves scowls. “Well, I’m busy here. You go investigate somewhere else.” He waves his hoof at you dismissively. Over his back, you spy his TARDIS, the door invitingly open.

What will you do?
Smile politely and go back to exploring the castle
Race into his TARDIS giggling gleefully

Seventeen

You decide to open the box – soon all your dreams will become reality!

“Hey there little Dashie!” you coo as you slowly kneel down, opening a cardboard flap and peering inside. There is still a mewling coming from it, though you can’t quite make out exactly what it is. Suddenly, a cute pair of eyes peeps out at you. “Aaw,” you say, smiling as you open the box to take out your new best friend.

“RRRRARGH!” You scream as from the box leaps a rabid raccoon! The creature is absolutely insane, frothing at the mouth and snarling, its claws digging into you as it lunges for your throat. You try to fight it off but to no avail!

As the raccoon tears into you, you fall backwards into your pile of Mountain Dew. The bottles split, sending waves of fizz across the floor. As you lay twitching on the ground, the raccoon gnawing on your arm, you notice flecks of foam on your mouth – you have been infected with rabies!

As the fog of rabid madness descends upon you, you scuttle off, the raccoon still attached to your arm. You decide to become king of a nearby skip, fashioning a crown out of mouldy chicken legs and wire.

“It’s okay Dashie,” you say to the raccoon, hugging it with your one good arm as you settle down to sleep in the skip with your best friend in the whole world. “You’re my little Dashie!”

The bin men do not notice you the next day, as they unload the skip into their crushing truck.

BAD END

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Nineteen

You do the only thing that is sensible in such a situation.

“Tee hee hee!” you shout as you leap over Whooves and skip into his TARDIS, the famous spacecraft which is bigger on the inside than the outside. “I’m such a scamp!” You enter the familiar looking blue box, your heart racing as the massive interior swims into view. “This is amazing!” you yelp as you run over to the huge central console that dominates the room of the peculiar craft.

“Stop! Get out of there!” Whooves follows you into the ship, waving his sonic screwdriver around in his mouth. “This is my home, not yours!”

You slowly take in the whole interior, a collection of crazy science-fiction gizmos and junk. “What’s that?” you ask, pointing to a picture of a seal that is hanging on a wall.

“Oh, that’s the Seal of Rassea-lion.” Whooves pauses and then looks shameful. “Oh well,” he sighs, “that was my best joke too.”

“Buttons!” You grin ear to ear as you look at all the buttons and levers on the central console. So many to press, so many inviting buttons!

“Don’t touch!” Whooves moves to try to swat your hands away. “Touch nothing! Press nothing!”

You nod, but out of the corner of your eye you see a big red button labelled ‘BAD WOLF’. It looks pretty inviting.

What will you do?
Leave the TARDIS and explore the rest of the castle
Press the button!
Seduce Doctor Whooves

Twenty One

You’re not stupid; you instantly turn around to leg it! Bravely screaming in terror, you race through the forest, hearing the crazed beast in hot pursuit. Your chest feels like it is on fire – despite the fact you won gold medals in all events in Sonic And Mario At The Olympics for the Wii, running seems to be surprisingly difficult.

As an agonising cramp spreads across your chest, you trip, twisting your ankle as you fall head-first to the ground. Instantly the manticore is on top of you, ripping and snarling, its huge snout sniffing you. Then it grasps its claws around your arm and starts to drag you back to its cave.

Shocked, you realise that the manticore is going to eat you.

As you near the cave mouth, you see the manticore pointing with one of its paws to a tattered wedding dress. With growing horror, you realise that it’s not going to eat you.

It’s going to marry you.

BAD END

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Twenty Three

You lean on the console seductively, accidently knocking off a glass valve which shatters on the ground, spilling out mercury vapours. “I know they say you have two hearts, Doctor, but I think you have three. And the third is mine!”

Whooves looks confused, and then down at his chest. “You mean a teleportation accident sent one of your organs into me?” he gasps in shock. “We need to get this fixed!”

“No,” you take a step forwards, looking deep into his eyes. “I mean that I’m in love with you Whooves. Do you want to see if I’m bigger on the inside than the outside?” You waggle your eyebrows and trace a finger over his chin.

Doctor Whooves smacks a hoof down on a big button labelled “PANIC” several times. Nothing happens save for a light bulb flashing in the corner of the ship. “Ah, I’m really not that sort of pony!” he blurts out. “Also I snore in bed.”

“Perhaps you could regenerate!” you suggest brightly. “I could stab you and then you could regenerate into the sort of pony that could pursue a healthy relationship with me!” It sounds pretty logical, and you hope that this will sway Whooves to your side.

“That… that’s a good idea…” He backs away from you warily, pulling a lever on the centre console, the massive time rotor at the heart of the ship starting to wheeze and groan. “I know, to celebrate our love, let’s go on a honeymoon right now!”

You beam, happy at having successfully seduced Whooves so easily with your brony powers. “I’m glad you see it my way!” you simper, posing sexily against the console.

With a thud, the time rotor stops and the doors open. “Well, here we are… dear!” Whooves gives a nervous grin as he waves towards the doors. “Time for our honeymoon! You first!”

“An excellent suggestion, my love!” You stroll out of the doors, wondering what exotic location Whooves has decided to take you to. You seem to be standing in a forest, surrounded on all sides by dense foliage. “Hmm, the Everfree Forest…” you exclaim. “I guess this could be sexy.”

You take another step through the foliage, only to come face to face with a gigantic snarling manticore, its teeth bared and tail ready to sting. You turn around, but Whooves is waving from the door of the TARDIS. “I’ve changed my mind, have fun!” With that, the TARDIS vanishes with a ‘vworp vworp.’

You gulp as you see the manticore stalking closer, ready to pounce.

What will you do?
Run! Run like a little baby!
Do what Fluttershy did in that one episode and cuddle it.

Twenty Four

You ignore Luna’s harsh looks, throwing yourself on the bed and patting your knees. “Come on Luna!” you shout, making little cooing noises. As a brony, you know exactly how to treat a classy lady like Luna. “Come here, c’mon girl! I want to put my nightmare moon in you!”

You lounge back on the bed, a smug smile on your face as you trace lines over your chest. How could any pony resist you?

Luna looks as if she has seen a spider on the bed. “I… I…” she gibbers, and then calms down. “Fine…” she replies. “But know this! As princess of the moon, I may only make love to my suitors on the moon!”

“That’s good with me, honey-pie!” you grin, getting up and slapping her flank hard. Your heart gives a leap of joy – this is even easier than you expected! Soon all your dreams will come true! Sure, it isn’t season one Luna, but you guess this will be good enough. Maybe you can convince her to put a paper bag over her head.

Luna’s eyes flash with a pure blast of magic, and you instantly find yourself transported to the moon. Standing on the dusty surface, Luna lounges before you sexily. You move to join her, but find yourself slowly floating into the air. You try to cry out, but realise that there is no oxygen on the moon.

Clutching your throat helplessly, you slowly asphyxiate as you float off the moon’s surface, the only thing you can hear being Luna’s laughter as you drown in the depths of space.

As your vision dims, you can faintly see that your body floats into the moon’s orbit. Around it seems to be a ring.

The ring is made up of the bodies of fellow bronies.

BAD END

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Twenty Six

“Look Princess!” You march forwards, swaying your hips as you approach the alicorn goddess. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve got two Time Orbs right here!” You point to your boxers. “If you know what I mean.”

Most people would have been frightened of approaching the princess in such a manner, however as you are an expert brony, you have read a lot of fan fiction about Celestia. A lot of fan fiction. And if there’s one thing that fan fiction has taught you, it’s that Celestia instantly turns to putty in the hands of a character who is strong and domineering.

You walk around Celestia to her throne, sitting in it sideways, your feet propped on the armrests. “Hey baby!” you shout to her, as the ponies scattered about the throne room look on in astonishment. “Put the kettle on! Then get your coat, you got lucky!”

“What is the meaning of this?” Celestia turns on you, eyes flashing with anger. You know from the many age-restricted images of Celestia you’ve browsed on line that this can only lead to fun times.

“It means Equestria has a new king, my princess!” You pat your knees, cooing at her. “Come on Celestia, come and snuggle, and if you’re lucky, you can have an early night!”

Celestia’s response is immediate. You feel yourself stiffen, though not in the good way. As you look in horror at your hands, you see them turning to grey, taking on the pallid texture of stone. “No Celestia, no!” you scream, attempting to rise and beg forgiveness, but your legs have already calcified. “No, I love you; I only wanted to marry you!”

Soon, you can cry out no longer.

In the gardens of Canterlot Castle is a statue of a strange ape creature, sprawled out across a plinth, one arm raised, face fixed in a scream. The ponies who stop and look at it puzzle over the meaning. If you could speak, you would tell them.

But you can’t. You can only gaze at them from behind frozen stone eyes.

BAD END
(Or GOOD END if you like that sort of thing, no-one will judge you!)

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Twenty Seven

You look down at your Fluttershy pillow, smiling at it sweetly. “Oh Fluttershy!” you cry. “When will you be mine?” You turn coyly away, covering your eyes. “I have said too much for your beautiful ears!”

You stand up, striding across the room. “Fluttershy pillow, we have known each other for a long time, ever since I bought you off that scary man on the internet. We have had good times together, very good, and we get on very well. Me, with my wit, charm and sentience, and you with your inanimate pillowness. I think we should take our relationship to the next level!”

You wait for a while, but the pillow does not respond. You take this to be a shy ‘yes’ and laughing with joy, sweep the pillow into your arms. “Oh Fluttershy!” you cry!

Racing downstairs with the pillow tucked under your arms you pass your mum. “Can’t stop mum!” you shout out. “I’m taking Fluttershy pillow out on a date, we’re going steady!” Your mum calls after you to put some more clothes on, but you ignore her – going on a date with Fluttershy pillow is a dream come true, you don’t want to waste a second!

You decide to need to take her somewhere classy, so you walk to the nearest Subway. “Do I need to book a table?” you ask the staff hopefully, but luckily they tell you that you do not. You decide to splash out, and order two Subway Melts, one for you and one for Fluttershy. You sit her in the seat opposite and gaze lovingly into her eyes as you devour your twelve inch sub.

“Oh Fluttershy, how I’ve longed for you!” You put your sub down and lean over to the table to kiss Fluttershy pillow on her soft lips. You are thwarted in your attempt at romance by the voice that cuts across you.

“Excuse me sir, but I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave!”

You turn to see the manager, standing over you with a look of anger on his face. You clench your fist – will this brony persecution never end?

What will you do?
Stand up for Fluttershy pillow and refuse to leave
Go home and play on the internet

Twenty Eight

“Tirek Tirek...” you gently stroke the side of the gigantic demon king as you sit on one of his comfy sofas, offering him a Dorito. Just one though. “I’m sorry. Perhaps we could… hang out?”

Tirek munches on the Dorito thankfully. “I’d like that!” he smiles as he trots over to a shelf full of DVDs. “Perhaps we could watch a film? I have all of Nicholas Cage’s movies, even the ones he only appears in briefly!” He holds up a copy of City of Angels hopefully.

“You have excellent taste Tirek!” You put your feet up on his fallen coffee table as you look around the room. “I had something more… exotic in mind. Do you have any episodes of…” Your voice suddenly turns to a whisper. “My Little Pony Friendship is Magic?”

Tirek looks taken aback as he glances about furtively. “No of course not!” he yelps! “The show hasn’t been released on DVD yet, I would never commit copyright infringement!” You continue to glare at him, and he gives a guilty shrug. “Fine, fine, I’ve got them all downloaded. But I would pay if Hasbro just sold them to me, I offered to give them a mountain of gold for a DVD boxset, but to no avail!”

“Why don’t you just download them from iTunes?” you wonder out loud.

“Piss off.” Tirek hooks up a laptop to his television and sits on the sofa next to you. “I’ve got all episodes so far in high quality! No watermarks!” he announces brightly. “But… why do you want to watch it, you’re in Equestria now!”

You shrug. “Eh. It was nice wandering about Equestria, but I’ve decided I much prefer to sit inside and watch television. Go on, stick on the Sonic Rainboom episode!”

“Ooooh I love that one!” Tirek squeals with joy, and soon the two of you are sitting side by side watching magical cartoon ponies on the screen. “If only it had a song!” he sighed, opening a can of Mountain Dew. “Then it would be perfect.”

“You know Tirek,” you look over to the demon, leaning forwards. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” You gently kiss his demonic face, smelling the whiff of cheesy Doritos on his breath.

“Marry me, Brony Hero!” Tirek gasps as he drops his can of soda in shock. “Marry me!”

“Sure.” You lounge back on the comfy sofa. “But you’re wearing the wedding dress.”

KINDA-GOOD END

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Twenty Nine

You rise to your feet, putting yourself between the manager and Fluttershy pillow. “No!” you shout, hoping that your bravery will impress Fluttershy pillow. “No more! I draw the line here! No more Bronycution!”

“Please sir, at least put the pillow away and put some trousers on!” The manager starts to reach for Fluttershy pillow. You realise that this might get ugly, that Fluttershy pillow could be in danger! Picking up a chair, you hurl it at the manager’s head, nobly protecting Fluttershy pillow from his filthy grasping hands.

“Stop, police!”

You pause, standing above the manager with the chair grasped in your hand, as you see a policeman standing up from another table. He had been eating here too, and even though he had watched the whole thing he has obviously sided with the brony-hating establishment. With a sneer you notice that he was eating a Veggie DeLite.

“Get away from Fluttershy pillow!” you scream at the policeman, throwing your chair at his head. The policeman is too strong though, and goes for his gun.

You grab Fluttershy pillow, hugging her to your chest in panic as the policeman opens fire. One bullet, two, three! You look down in horror – Fluttershy pillow has been shot!

“Fluttershy pillow!” You can feel tears trickling down your cheek as you note the smoking bullet holes in Fluttershy pillow, each hole starting to ooze blood. “You… you took the bullets for me!” As you hold her close, you suddenly feel dizzy, staggering about before collapsing to the floor.

“I… I love you!” You start to cough blood as your vision swims and your head hits the hard ground, staring into Fluttershy’s eyes. “At least… we die together!”

The policeman stares for a while at your dead body, and then takes your half-eaten Subway Melt.

BAD END

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Thirty One

The journey to the Everfree Forest is long, but soon cartoon fields give way to the dark, forbidding foliage of the forest. Strange cries can be heard from above, though as hard as you look, you can’t pinpoint their origin.

You feel a smile break across your face as you wander amongst the trees, taking care not to step in any Poison Joke plant. Normally you hate going for walks and you once signed a petition to have a nearby forest cut down and replaced by a skate park. But there’s something about the magical land of Equestria where even the humble forest becomes a wonderful place to be.

You forget all your troubles, humming happily to yourself as you saunter deeper into the dark recesses. “Tra la la!” you sing. “Tra la la!”

In fact, you are so happy that you almost miss the gigantic roaring manticore that leaps into your path, gnashing its teeth and lashing its poison-tipped tail with ferocious gusto!

What will you do?
Run! Run like a little baby!
Do what Fluttershy did in that one episode and cuddle it.

Thirty Two

Groggily, you shake your head, trying to clear the static. You feel like you’ve just gone for a ride in a washing machine; every inch of your body tingles and aches. But there’s something else. You can no longer smell the familiar odour of your bedroom. Instead the air seems to be fresh, purer somehow.

You open your eyes, and stare straight into that of Princess Celestia!

“Uuugo!” You blurt out nonsensically as you scramble to your feet, looking about in panic. Instead of your familiar room, you are standing in the throne room of Canterlot Castle, surrounded on all sides by shocked looking ponies. In front of you in all her majesty is Princess Celestia herself!

“It’s real!” you cry, half-weeping as you throw yourself to the floor in front of the princess. “It’s all real!” Quickly you check your hands to see if you’ve become a pony, but no such luck! Still, you’ve somehow made it to Equestria and all your dreams can become true! “But how?” you finally croak out, patting the cartoon floor in disbelief. “How did I get here?”

Princess Celestia steps forward, her magnificent mane flowing behind her as she smiles gently. “Only the bravest and wisest of all bronies may travel to Equestria, using the secret keyboard code of ‘Control-Alt-E’. The ‘E’ stands for ‘Equestria’. You are the first human to have solved the complex logic puzzles placed across your world in order to find the code and enter our land. You are... THE BRONY HERO OF EQUESTRIA!”

“Logic puzzles. Yes. I did that.” You cough, standing to your feet and attempting a heroic pose in order to impress the ponies. Your heart is racing in joy as you think over the possibilities of your new life. “I’m going to go see Fluttershy! And Twilight Sparkle!” you squeak out happily, given a little girly leap in the air.

“Wait!” Celestia raises a hoof. “There is something you must know! To return home to Earth, you must use the power of THE TIME ORB! However, it has been stolen by unknown forces which I believe to be in the employ of Tirek the demon king! For the sake of all Equestria you, the chosen hero, must find the Time Orb and rescue it before all of Equestria is destroyed!

You listen to Celestia, mouth agape. An important mission all for you to carry out, with the fate of the world in the balance!

But on the other hand, you could go see Fluttershy.

What will you do?
Explore the castle to look for clues
Leave the castle to explore Equestria (and find Fluttershy)
Seduce Princess Celestia

Thirty Four

You stand in the middle of Ponyville, the most sleepy, idyllic village you’ve ever seen. All around you, ponies are laughing and chatting and going about their everyday lives. You fight the urge to race about gleefully and hug every pony you see. No, you have a mission!

There are many options in Ponyville, many ponies you can visit. You start to salivate at the choices, drawing a bit of attention from some ponies lounging near the fountain. You can see the town hall, brimming with ponies who are obviously attending some event, there’s Twilight’s library, Sugar Cube Corner… goodness!

Where will you go?
The Town Hall
Twilight’s Library
Fluttershy’s Cottage
Sweet Apple Acres
Carousel Boutique
Sugar Cube Corner
Go and explore the rest of Equestria

Thirty Five

You close your eyes tight, hoping that the end will be swift and painless. To your surprise you don’t get a dagger in the face, but instead a delicious chocolate cake in the mouth.

“Surprise!” Pinkie flicks the light switch on and the entire basement is suddenly awash in bright lights. The entire room has been carefully decorated with balloons and streamed, with a big banner that says “YAY BRONY HERO!” A large table, laden with cakes is at the centre. Pinkie is wrapped around your neck, clutching a chocolate cake in her hooves. “I hope you like my ‘Death by Chocolate’ cake, it’s super scrummy!”

You take the cake off Pinkie and stuff it into your mouth in one go. “It’s delicious!” you try to say, but with your mouth full of cake, the words come out as “OM NOM NOM NOM.”

With the bang of a party popper signalling the start to festivities, you and Pinkie spend the next hour partying hard in her basement. Soon your stomach is perfectly spherical from consuming so much cake, and you both roll about moaning.

“That was great Pinkie, thanks!” you mutter as chocolate syrup dribbles helplessly out of your mouth. “But I must continue my special mission for the princess and find the Time Orb!”

“A Time Orb?” Pinkie does a double-take and starts to search through a box of junk. “I think I’ve got one lying about here… aha!” Triumphantly she pulls out a small snow globe, shaking it in front of your face. “Look at the time, ooooh!”

“Oh Pinkie!” you sigh, rolling your eyes. “That’s not a Time Orb, that’s a snow globe!” You take the globe and look into it; giving it another shake and watching the snow tumble down. Perhaps you could trick Celestia into thinking it is the Time Orb!

What will you go?
Take the snow globe to Princess Celestia and pretend it is the Time Orb
Leave to explore the rest of Ponyville

Thirty Seven

“Hello? Hello?” You pound on the door of the Carousel Boutique, which remains stubbornly locked. “Hello? It’s me, the Brony Hero, let me in Rarity!” Frustratingly there is no answer, so with a final kick at the door, you walk away.

Smoke rises from the top of the building, so you know that Rarity is obviously at home; she just must have not realised you were here. Moving around to the side of the building, you find a window and start to rap your fist on it. “HELLO?” You call. “HELLO?”

“Go away!” From inside, Rarity’s voice calls out. “I’m really busy, sorry! Come again tomorrow!”

Shaking your head, you consider your options.

What will you do?
Keep on trying to get Rarity's attention
Explore the rest of Ponyville

Thirty Nine

Fluttershy’s cottage is abuzz with the sound of wildlife. You resist the urge to skip straight to the front door, instead sauntering slowly and coolly towards the house of your favourite pony. “Fluttershy!” you cry out, picking a rose from her garden to give to her. “My love, come to me!”

The front door opens, and Fluttershy’s head peeps around the corner. “H-hello?” she whispers timidly, peering at you.

“Fluttershy, my darling!” You push the door open and march inside, turning on Fluttershy who shrinks back from you. “Do not fret Fluttershy, for I am now here! Your life will never be lonely and sad again!”

Fluttershy gives another cute squeak as she pretends to be frightened. You smile down at her. There really is only one option.

Seduce Fluttershy

Forty

“Sorry Sweetie Belle,” you shake your head at the disappointed young filly. “I have a mission to complete! Lead the way Honey Trap!” You follow the mysterious pony out of the town hall, leaving behind a room of disappointed ponies pining for your presence.

“It’s this way, we must hurry!” Honey Trap starts to run, faster and faster; you start to wheeze as you struggle to keep up with her. Your journey takes you outside Ponyville, past fields and trees until finally as the sun starts to set, you arrive in a small forest clearing in which seems to be a mound of hay.

“What is it?” You squint into the darkness as you try to make out the shape. It seems to be a crude statue of a pony made out of sticks, towering above you at over thirty feet. “It’s… a pony?”

“Yes!” Honey Trap nods, pointing to a hole in one of the hooves. “The Time Orb’s in there, but it’s hidden by Templar riddles! I know you are an expert on such things Mr Cage, only you have the intelligence to enter the wicker pony and retrieve the Time Orb!”

You crack your knuckles, striding up to the giant pony. “Well, I am pretty amazing!” you smile, crouching down to clamber inside the hoof. It’s a tight fit, and you can feel twigs scratching your sides as you slowly climb up the leg and into the belly, looking around. “I can’t see any Templar clues!” you shout through a tiny crack in the side.

“Keep looking!” Honey Trap calls back, and from the outside you can see that she’s lit a torch so she can see better in the dark. What a lovely pony. “Try the roof!”

You fumble around in the dark belly of the wicker pony, your hands moving along the ceiling, feeling along the roughly woven wooden top for any hints. It feels strangely sticky, and smells so sweet. “Honey?” you mutter to yourself, licking your fingers. It is honey. As you taste it, more and more honey starts to ooze from the roof, covering your body. “Ugh!” you mutter, as you continue to feel above your head.

In triumph, your hands hit a round structure. “The Time Orb!” you shout. “I’ve got it!” With a hard yank, you pull it free.

Your ears fill with a buzzling noise, as from the ‘Time Orb’ emerges a swarm of bees, which proceed to flood over your body. Instantly you feel your body swelling into a thousand welts as the bees sting you, causing you to scream out. “OH GOD NO, BEES!” you cry, scrambling for the exit. You can’t find it, the door seems to have been closed, and you flounder, trapped in the darkness, trying desperately to scrape bees away from your face. “HONEY TRAP, HELP!”

“The drone must die!” Through the mist of bees covering your vision, you glimpse a flash of flame outside. Honey Trap is coming closer to the wicker pony, holding her flaming torch aloft. “The drone must die so the honey harvest will prosper!” She places the torch on one of the pony’s feet, and the entire structure starts to burst into flames.

You fall to the wicker floor, trapped and covered in bees as fire starts to consume everything. You groan. You can’t believe you’ve fallen for the old ‘wicker-pony-full-of-bees’ trick.

BAD END

Start again
Read more stories by Blueshift

Forty One

“Sorry Honey Trap, seeing Rarity comes before saving Equestria! Lead the way, Sweetie Belle!” You follow a joyously bouncing Sweetie Belle outside as the other ponies look on in bitter jealousy. Sweetie bounds across Ponyville and into the open door of the Carousel Boutique as you struggle to keep pace.

“Rarity, Rarity!” Sweetie Belle squeaks happily as she scrabbles around the inside of the dress store looking for her sister. You content yourself with wandering about and examining the pretty cartoon dresses that line the walls.

“Sweetie Belle, go away!” Rarity’s head pops out of a side room, her hair a complete mess and her eyes boggling with anger. “I’m busy!”

“But Rarity!” Sweetie Belle whines. “I’ve brought Nicholas Cage!”

“Nicholas Cage?” Rarity looks at you, half swooning as she pats her hair back into shape and puts on a sultry smile. “Oh Mr Cage, I’m your greatest admirer!”

“Haha!” you give a slight chuckle as you walk towards Rarity. “Oh I’m no- I mean yes, yes I am definitely Nicholas Cage. Where did I put my two thousand dollar steak knife?”

“Sweetie Belle, out!” Rarity waves angrily at her sister before lounging on a remarkably convenient couch. “So, Mr Cage,” she pouts, beckoning you closer. “What brings you here?”

What will you do?
Tell Rarity you preferred her in season one
Seduce Rarity
Leave the Carousel Boutique and explore the rest of Ponyville

Forty Four

“This is my destiny, Twilight!” You hold the sphere above your head as you make your way to the door. “I must go to Canterlot immediately and give this back to the Princess!”

You run out of the library, the precious cargo of the Time Sphere tucked under your arm as Twilight eagerly runs after you. Panting and out of breath, you almost collapse, but Twilight picks you up. “Come on!” she cries. “We’ve only gone three metres! Hop on my back!”

You agree to this, and leap onto Twilight’s back. She’s a small stubby pony, and you are pretty heavy, so she sinks to the ground with a grunt, struggling to stand. “Hi ho Twilight!” you cry, tugging on her mane as she slowly starts to trot in the direction of Canterlot.

***

After a long and slow journey, you finally arrive at Canterlot Castle. “We’ve made it!” Twilight croaks, finally collapsing to the flagstones. You give a cry of surprise as your ride falls, and you bump your behind.

“Careful Twilight!” you tut grouchily as you are forced to stand up, cradling the Time Sphere carefully. “We’re not even at the throne room yet, stop being lazy!” Twilight has passed out though, and despite many carefully administered kicks, she doesn’t seem to want to get up.

You leave Twilight to recuperate on the floor and storm your way to Celestia. “Princess!” you cry in triumph as you burst into the throne room, holding the Time Sphere aloft. “Fret no longer, for I bring you the Time Orb!”

Celestia takes one look at the object in your hand and frowns. “That’s not a Time Orb!” she snaps. “That’s a Time Sphere! Anypony can see that!”

Your face falls and you drop the Time Sphere onto the ground in shame. “Oh.”

What will you do?
Explore the castle to look for clues
Leave the castle to explore Equestria
Seduce Princess Celestia

Forty Six

“Sorry Apple Bloom, duty calls!” You flick Apple Bloom away and start to munch on the apples, grabbing them by the handful and stuffing them into your mouth. So many apples, so much mulch! Juice dribbles down your chin as your jaws agonisingly munch through them, cores and all.

Applejack stands agape at your skills. “Ah’ve never seen such a display o’ skill and bravery!” she gasps, placing a hoof on her head as she swoops before you. “Have ah met mah perfect man?”

Hearing this spurs you on. Your throat starts to sting from all the acrid apple juice, your stomach curdles as it fills with apples, but finally you emerge victorious, and with a flourish you swallow the last core whole. “How’s that!” you croak weakly.

“Marry me!” Applejack leaps into your arms, planting a big kiss on your lips. You can only nod with a slight gurgle as a dribble of apple falls from your lips.

***

The next few days are spent in a whirlwind of visiting Applejack’s extended family. Surprisingly, she seems to have already got a tuxedo for you all sorted out, a dress for herself, and even pre-booked the church, even before she met you! Inwardly you praise your good luck, as on a beautiful summers day, you are married.

Applejack stands at the altar, the entire Apple family watching on and clapping as she stares into your eyes. “An’ now…” she smiles coyly. “Now y’all can take on the duties of mah husband. If yah know what ah mean!”

“Oh I do!” you rub your hands together in eager anticipation. “I can’t wait to get started!”

“Good!” You stumble as Big Mac rises up behind you and thumps a heavy wooden horse collar round your neck. Applejack smiles sweetly as she fixes some chains to the collar which lead to a large plough. “Now we can live in luxury while you tend to the farm. You don’t mind sleepin’ in the barn do you?”

“But.. but… I thought…” you struggle to stand due to the weight of the farm equipment as you gulp in panic, seeing the entire Apple family clan looking expectantly at you. “Y-yes!” you reply finally. “Yes, this is exactly what I thought would happen!”

Over the next few years, you discover that kicking apple trees to dislodge apples is actually really really painful.

BAD END

Start again
Read more stories by Blueshift

Forty Eight

“Why Rarity, you bring me here of course!” You move towards Rarity, scooping up her soft, marshmallowy body in your arms. Her hooves hook around your neck and you kiss in a passionate embrace. “It’s always been about you Rarity, you’re the best pony!”

“Oh Nick Cage!” Rarity sighs contentedly, looking at you with her brilliant eyes. “I’ve always dreamed of this moment! Let’s get married!”

You ponder this for a brief moment. If you married Rarity you would have to live a lie for the rest of your life, pretending you were Nicholas Cage. But on the other hand, you would be marrying Rarity. “Yes!” you cry happily, twirling her around. “Let’s get married!”

***

The days with Rarity seem to flash by. You move into a small house next door as you prepare for the wedding. Your days are spent wandering around town while Rarity works and chasing Spike away, and your nights are spent chatting with the beautiful white pony. Rarity designs and sews her own dress, but she won’t let you see it, not until the big day.

Before you know it, it’s the morning of the wedding. You stand in your little house putting the finishing touches to your tuxedo. You tilt your hat back, looking extra dashing as you stare at yourself in the mirror and glance anxiously at your watch. The carriage should be here at any moment to take you to your bride.

There’s an urgent knocking at the door. You race to open it, ready to leap into your carriage and get to the church. You pause in shock. At the door isn’t your driver, but a human dressed in leather.

It’s Nicholas Cage.

Before you have time to react, he raises a fist and punches you. The force of the impact sends you hurtling backwards, crashing into a coat stand. Woozily you look up as Nicholas Cage stands over you, slowly unravelling a length of chain that he has wrapped over a shoulder.

“Pretend to be me, will you?” He places a booted foot on your chest, pinning you down as he straightens out the chains. “Rarity’s mine, remember that buster!” His eyes flash red, and he uses his Ghost Rider powers to set the chains ablaze.

“No Nick Cage, no!” You beg as the leather-clad Hollywood superhero starts to whip your quivering body with firey chains. He does not relent though, and soon you lie prostrate on the ground as he stares over you, throwing the chains on top of your prone form.

“And now, I have a wedding to attend!” He picks up your top hat and brushes it off, placing it on his own head. With a flourish, huge angel wings sprout from his back and he takes to the air, off to marry Rarity.

“No…” you croak weakly as you watch him fly away. “It was always you Nick. I… love you…”

BAD END

Start again
Read more stories by Blueshift

Forty Nine

You pick up the first book, weighing it in your hands. Twilight looks up at you brightly. “Oh, that’s one of my favourites!” she squeaks, opening it for you with a purple hoof. “Peace And Peace, by Leo Trotsky, he’s a fantastic writer!”

Shaking your head slowly, you laugh at the pony’s simple taste. “Twilight, Twilight Twilight…” you tut, ripping the book in half with your bare hands to show how superior you are to it. “Pony literature is nothing compared to human literature. Let me teach you about its wonders!”

Twilight gives a little shriek as she sees you tear up the book, but is curious, as you hoped she would be. “You mean… it’s better?” she queries, tilting her head slightly. “But pony literature is…”

You cut her off sharply. “No Twilight, human literature is far deeper and moving than anything ponies could write. For thousands of years, humanity has been writing, building upon creative genius to produce writers of towering intellect who have written the greatest works that have ever existed. Works which challenge the very fabric of reality itself! Shakespeare! J K Rowling! Rob Cakeran Fifty-Three! The list goes on and on!”

You look at the book fragment in your hands. “Peace and Peace Twilight, really? This is nothing compared to the masterpiece that is My Little Dashie, the greatest work of literature my planet has ever produced. “

“My… Little… Dashie?” Twilight raises an eyebrow quizzically.

“Yes!” You start to wave your hands about enthusiastically as you describe to Twilight the most moving work in the English language. “Imagine Twilight, imagine Rainbow Dash, but a filly! And one day you find her and she’s in a cardboard box and you have to look after her. Isn’t that deep?” You look into her bright eyes. “Don’t you love me now Twilight, knowing what a deep person I am?”

Twilight recoils slightly. “What? No! That doesn’t sound deep!”

“Oh.” You grimace. “Well, there are many other great works of literature. Take Past Sins for example, a rollercoaster of a novel about you, Twilight, finding a filly Nightmare Moon which you have to look after! Isn’t that deep?”

“That sounds… odd.” It’s Twilight’s turn to pull a face at your description. “Tell me more about it.”

You shrug. “Eh, I’ve not read it actually, but I know I like it because it is popular!” You snap your fingers. “Oh, and Fallout: Equestria! That’s another epic work of fiction! I’ve not read that either, but it’s one of my favourite stories because I really like the Fallout computer games.” You shuffle closer to Twilight. “Now you know how intelligent I am, do you want to marry me?”

Moments later, you find yourself flung onto the streets of Ponyville ass-first. Landing with a thump, you shake your fist in the direction of Twilight. “Uncultured swine!” you scream. You’re glad you got the witty last word in.

Explore Ponyville

Fifty

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” you announce. “I have travelled far from my world and I wish to share with you some of our culture. I wish to sing you a song. Music has been integral to our culture for millennia. Love! Tragedy! Compassion! Human music is the greatest of all. So today I bring to you a selection of some of the greatest works of musical genius humanity has ever produced!

The crowd clap wildly and you can see Vinyl Scratch at the back looking impressed. You clear your throat in preparation to sing. These ponies would have never heard any songs from Earth at all, you will easily be able to floor them with some of the greats.

You open your mouth to sing. “Winter wrap-up, winter-“ You stumble over your words as every pony in the audience gasps, and quickly realise that you were singing a pony song. In one terrible instant, your mind goes blank as you struggle to recall something else that you can perform. The entire back catalogue of humanity’s musical accomplishments is there for the taking.

“My name is Pinkie Pie…!” you start to sing, and stop again, cursing. An uncomfortable silence fills the room. There must be one song you can remember that isn’t pony.

There is.

With a crushing feeling deep in your stomach, you realise that there is only one human song that isn’t pony related that you know the words to. As your audience watches expectantly, you start to croon out the words.

"We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I!" You look around in panic, mouthing “I’m sorry” as you sway to the groove. “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!” As you watch, several ponies clutch their heads and fall to the ground. “Never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry!” you continue, wincing as you see Scratch start to throw up at the back of the room.

With a flourish, you finish singing. There is a smattering of nervous applause from the ponies who are still conscious. “Oh oh, wait!” you suddenly snap your fingers. “I’ve remembered another song!” You puff your chest out, take a deep breath, and begin.

“Friday, Friday…” you start, but the mayor quickly bats the microphone out of your hands. It’s actually a bit relieving.

“Ah, that’s enough, I think!” she smiles sweetly. “T-thank you Brony Hero, that was an experience…”

What will you do?
Tuck in to the feast!
Claim you are Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage
Go back outside

Fifty One

As you enter Sugar Cube Corner, you are immediately assailed from all sides by the most delicious aromas. Cakes of all shapes and sizes are spread out on the shop’s counter, covered in tempting cream and chocolate and marzipan.

As you are the Brony Hero, you take a chocolate éclair and munch on it thoughtfully as you bang your fist on the counter shouting for attention. Finally a head pops around the kitchen door. Your heart sinks – it is not Pinkie Pie, but Mrs Cake.

“Oh hi Brony Hero!” she smiles happily as she wanders into the main section of the shop. “What can we do for you here at our humble cake store?”

“Eugh!” You feel slightly queasy as you look at the rotund Mrs Cake waddling towards you. “I was actually hoping to see Pinkie Pie.” You place your hand over your eyes so you can avoid staring at her.

“Oh, Pinkie’s about somewhere!” Mrs Cake peers about the room as if Pinkie might spring out of nowhere. Which she might. “Pinkie!” she trills out loud. “Pinkie, there’s a visitor for you!”

There’s no response. You stand uncomfortably in front of Mrs Cake as you wait for a pink bundle of fun that never arrives. “Oh,” Mrs Cake frowns. “She should be here, do you want to look for her?”

You take a fistful of cake from a nearby sponge and push it into your mouth as you consider your options.

What will you do?
Search for Pinkie Pie
Leave and explore Ponyville

Fifty Two

You breathe in the sweet country air as you stand outside Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville’s premier (and only) apple orchard. You can almost taste the apples in the breeze as you approach the farm, marvelling at the rural simplicity and beauty of the farm.

“Howdy y’all!” You turn to see Applejack leaning against a fence post chewing on a piece of straw. “What’s a big strong Brony doing in a place like this?” Looking around for a moment in confusion, you realise she is talking about you.

“Oh yes, that’s me!” you point to your chest, to make sure you’re the person she’s talking about. “I’m here on a mission from Celestia. To…” You trail off. Applejack wouldn’t be impressed by your mission to save Equestria! “I’m here on a mission from Celestia to eat delicious apples!”

“Well why didn’t you say! Apple Bloom, bring the apples!” Applejack gallops over and pushes you onto a simple wooden chair. Meanwhile, her little sister Apple Bloom carefully balances a huge bucket of apples on her head, placing it on the table. “Here you go, all the apples! And ah do like a Brony who can eat his apples!” Applejack waggles her eyebrows at you.

You stare at the pile of apples in front of you. There’s rather a lot. Apple Bloom peeps over the edge of the table, watching you intently. “Mister, mister!” she squeaks. “Can you help me get my cutie mark please?”

You look between the apples and Apple Bloom. Eating the apples could win you Applejack’s heart, but you could also help out Apple Bloom - with your wisdom you’re sure to find her cutie mark!

What will you do?
Seduce Applejack by eating all the apples
Help Apple Bloom find her cutie mark
Leave and explore the rest of Ponyville

Fifty Three

You make your decision. The snow globe is round like a Time Orb, and for all you know, a Time Orb might contain a model of a picturesque rural snow scene. At the very least you can probably sweet talk Celestia into thinking it is the real one and pick up a reward before she realises she’s been tricked.

With Pinkie racing along beside you, you head back to Canterlot holding the globe above your head in triumph. “He’s got it; he’s got the Time Orb!” Pinkie cries out happily as you run, and soon you are being followed by dozens of ponies, all galloping alongside you on your way to the Princess.

Arriving in the hallowed halls of Canterlot Castle, you waste no time in throwing open the throne room doors and marching in. “Behold, Princess!” you cry, holding out the snow globe. “For I, the Brony Hero of Equestria, have returned the Time Orb to you!” You pose in triumph as the adoring throng of ponies who followed you clap in joy.

Princess Celestia gets up from her throne, cantering towards you. Her horn glows softly as the globe lifts out of your hands and floats towards her. “That is wonderful news, Brony Hero!” she exclaims. “Let me just use my most powerful magic to check the Time Orb and make sure it’s the genuine article.”

“N-no, that’s okay…” you stammer, turning to look for a quick escape as your carefully layered plan falls completely apart. The route out of the throne room is blocked by your fans, and the only other way out is past the princess. “Ah, I think I need the loo…” you mutter, trying to push past the mass of ponies.

“…Yes, that’s the Time Orb all right!” Celestia calls out as she finishes examining the globe.

You turn around in puzzled confusion. “Uh… it is? I mean, it is! Yes.” You scratch the back of your head and glance at Pinkie Pie, who is suddenly looking really guilty. “Yes, of course that snow globe is the Time Orb.”

“Brony Hero!” Celestia bows to you, and at once all the ponies present bow too. “I know that you will have suffered much hardship in your quest to restore the Time Orb. Your quests will have been fraught with deadly danger, and your life constantly imperilled. I can only imagine the titanic battle you must have fought against the foe who stole this sacred object.”

“Yes, that is exactly what happened.” You grimace at Pinkie Pie, who starts to whistle innocently and shuffle out of sight behind the gathered crowd.

Celestia passes the snow globe back to you, and you stare at it in awe. “Now Brony Hero,” she announces. “You have a choice to make! You can either use the power of the Time Orb to send you back home, or you can use its powers to transform yourself into a pony and live forever in Equestria!”

You turn, looking at the sea of adoring pony faces around you. It would be nice to stay in Equestria, but you know you have responsibilities back in the human world. Your World of Warcraft account won’t level itself up after all! The Time Orb starts to pulse with power in your hands – you must make a decision now!

What will you do?
Use the Time Orb to return home
Use the Time Orb to become a pony and stay in Equestria forever
Use the Time Orb to overthrow Celestia and become ruler of Equestria

Fifty Five

“Actually Twilight, I have more pressing matters to discuss than talk about books.” You stand up to stride around the library. “For you see, Twilight, Equestria is in terrible danger and only I can save it! The Time Orb has gone missing, the magical orb of time that sits at the centre of Canterlot! Princess Celestia has entrusted this dangerous task to me and me alone, so you see Twilight, my time is precious!” To demonstrate this, you flip over the nearest table, sending a pile of carefully stacked books over the floor.

“Oh!” Twilight’s mouth gaped open. “But I’m the princess’s star pupil, surely she would have asked me to help her!”

You shake your head at Twilight’s innocent naivety. “No Twilight, for the princess realised that this mission requires brains, charm and charisma, something only I, the Brony Hero, have.”

“I see…” Twilight sank onto her haunches looking downcast. “It’s just that I have this Time Sphere here, and I thought maybe…” From behind the sofa she pulls out a glowing ball of energy and placed it down with a sigh. “Oh well…”

“Time… what?” You stare at the object on the sofa that is shaking with unrestrained power. “Twilight, that is the Time Orb!” You pick it up carefully, marvelling in its beauty. “Where did you find it?”

Twilight shrugs. “Oh, it ripped itself through time and space and landed in the library the other day. But it’s not a Time Orb, it’s a Time Sphere!”

You hug the Time Sphere to your chest as if a small child. “A sphere is an orb, Twilight! This is it, my mission is complete!”

What will you do?
Return the Time Sphere to Celestia
Ignore the Time Sphere; go and have some fun by exploring Ponyville

Fifty Six

Entering the town hall you are instantly met with a room packed full of ponies, all turning to stare at you. As one, they give a cheer, and streamers tumble from the ceiling. You noticed that above the stage is a huge banner that reads “WELCOME BRONY HERO OF EQUESTRIA!”

“Thank you, thank you!” You give a regal wave and push through the crowd of adoring ponies towards the stage, on which is fixed a microphone waiting for you. Obviously your fame has already spread throughout the land.

“Brony Hero, we are honoured to have you with us today!” The mayor stands on the stage, welcoming you to Ponyville. You flush with pride at the lavish celebration that is being laid out. From all around, the attending ponies start to uncover balloons and cake and all sorts of delicious food. “We hope this small token of our gratitude will be acceptable. Do you wish to start the feast, or address the audience?”

You clamber onto the stage, staring out across the sea of faces. There is a huge banquet table at the far end which is growing in size and more and more mouth-watering treats are placed on it. Clearing your throat, you grip the microphone. “Yes, I am pretty awesome!” you tell the crowd, who erupt in applause. In the background, you notice the smiling face of none other than DJ PON-3 herself, Vinyl Scratch! An idea races through your mind – perhaps you can use this opportunity to demonstrate your musical talents and make her fall in love with you! Or perhaps you could just begin the feast.

What will you do?
Sing the song of your people
Tuck in to the feast!
Claim you are Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage
Go back outside

Fifty Eight

You lick your lips, salivating wildly as you look at the mountain of food presented to you in celebration of your excellentness. “Let the feast begin!” you scream as you leap into a huge trifle, swimming in the cream as you guzzle it all down.

“Hurrah Brony Hero!” All the ponies cheer as they seat themselves around the massive table, each politely taking a plate of food as you swim through the dessert. Surfacing for breath, you grab a handful of donuts and stuff them into your mouth.

“This feast is amazing!” you mumble through a full mouth at the mayor. “All this food!” You pick up a pineapple and start to gnaw on it as your eyes rove across the selection of sweets, cakes, fruit and vegetables. Something is missing. “Hmm, do you have any bacon?”

“Bacon?” The mayor raises an eyebrow. “What’s bacon?”

You roll your eyes at the silly pony, happy to teach her the wise ways of humanity. “Oh, bacon is meat from pigs, cut into thin strips and fried!” You drool slightly at the thought of sizzling bacon. “It goes with anything!”

The room falls silent as all the ponies drop what they are eating and stare at you.

“Is… is the pig okay?” Carrot Top is the first to speak, hiding behind a pile of broccoli.

You laugh heartily. “Of course not, it gets cut up into choice cuts of meat! Hey, I could really do with some pork now! Or chicken! Or beef! Oh, or black pudding!” You notice the ponies staring you. “That’s congealed pigs blood in a sausage shape,” you clarify helpfully.

The ponies start to clutch at their faces in horror. “You mean… you eat animals?” the mayor squeaks, jaw drooping open.

“Well, yes…” you look at the ponies in confusion. “Of course I do. But don’t worry!” you quickly say. “I don’t eat ponies. I’m not French!”

“Monster! A monster!” There is a kerfuffle of motion as the ponies start to scream, kicking away from the table and running about the room in panic.

“No, I’m not a monster! I just enjoy eating the flesh of fellow living creatures!” You attempt to salvage the situation but it is too late! As you run after individual ponies to explain, others start to retaliate, throwing fruit and plates at your head. Throwing your arms over your head for protection, you run out of the main doors to freedom.

There is a sickening crunch, and you black out.

***

You awaken feeling oddly numb. You can dimly hear the beeping of a heart monitor, and a bright white ceiling above your head. You try to move your neck to get a better view of the room but to your horror you find that you are unable to. In fact, you can’t move anything!

“Aha, he’s awake!” You glimpse the face of a male pony wearing a stethoscope in the corner of your available vision. “You’re lucky you know!” he chides. “In order to stop you escaping, a pony dropped a piano on your head, shattering your spine. Don’t worry; you should be up and about in a day or so.”

Beads of sweat prick at your forehead. “Humans don’t work the same as cartoon ponies!” you gasp out, every word causing you agony. “We don’t heal like that!”

“Oh.” The doctor’s face falls. “I guess we’re in for the long haul then.” His large, clumsy hooves fumble with a large plastic tube. “I’ll just fit a catheter.”

BAD END

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Sixty

“I want to stay!” Tears of joy stream down your cheeks as you kneel before the princess, awed at the offer being placed in front of you. To be a pony? And live in Equestria? Forever? Your heart skips a beat as you giddily imagine the wonderful perfect life that awaits you. “Just don’t make me an earth pony, okay.”

“Very well, Brony Hero!” Celestia’s horn glows and she takes the Time Orb, floating it above your head as it sparks with power. “As Brony Hero, you shall become no less than an alicorn!”

“Yes! Yes!” You gasp as waves of magical energies wash over your body. Already you can feel your bones softening into marshmallow, your hands melting until they are rounded nubs. There is a sharp pain on your back as two magnificent pairs of wings burst from your skin. “This is amazing!”

The Time Orb shines brighter as Celestia magically massages the energies, reshaping your body into that of a pony. “The Time Orb will give you a life as a pony,” she tells you, as your face starts to distend into a muzzle, and your hair cascades into a flowing mane. “It will wipe all memories of your human life and replace them with suitable pony ones. It will be as if you have always been a pony.”

“Wait, what, no!” You attempt to cry out, but it is too late. You collapse as you feel your eyes growing, your skin turning into pink fur. Thoughts of home dissolve to be replaced by thoughts of pretty dresses and tiaras. “No, wait, I… I… I…” you mumble out, struggling for coherence but without success.

Then the light stops, and you pick yourself up.

“I like tiaras!” you smile brightly, unfurling your wings and trotting over to Celestia. “I’m a pretty princess! Can I wear a tiara?”

“Yes, Cadance, yes you are!” Celestia looks lovingly down at you. “You’re the prettiest alicorn princess ever.”

You blush and giggle as you bounce about the throne room. Then you stop in joy as you see a familiar hunky stallion nearby. “Shining Armor!” you gasp, running to him and nuzzling him. “My love, my honey pie! My snookie wookie!”

And then you lived happily ever after.

SLIGHTLY CREEPY END

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Sixty One

You furrow your brow in anger, whacking your fist against the window harder. “No, I’m the Brony Hero! You have to open up!” Your heart sinks at the thought that you might not get to see Rarity.

“I don’t care, I’m busy!” The response cuts you like a dagger. You realise that Rarity probably didn’t hear you properly; since if she knew the Brony Hero was outside she’d have opened the door and flung herself at you.

You proceed to smash your fist against the window. “I’m the Brony Hero! Brony Hero! Brony HeARGH!” You scream as your fist crashes through the glass, shards of glass lacerating your arm. Instantly you whip your arm out; unfortunately this causes more cuts in your arm as you stagger backwards and fall onto the ground. “Why…!” you weep as you twitch in agony. “Why Rarity, why…”

After a few moments, Rarity opens the front door and peers around, not seeing your prone body collapsed at the side of the house. “Huh…” she mutters. “He must have gone already!”

BAD END

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Sixty Two

"Oh boy oh boy, this is going to be awesome!"

You slowly open the door as you hear a familiar voice muttering to itself. "Hello?" you call into the darkness. "Hello, Rainbow Dash? Is that you?" You flick on the light switch to see Rainbow Dash, standing alone and talking to herself.

"Oh, hi Brony Hero!" Rainbow Dash turns to look at you eagerly, her eyes shining with anticipation. "I thought 'Rainbow Dash, you're so awesome, you should go right to the end of the story so you're at the most exciting bit!" She rears up on her hind legs, boxing her forehooves in the air. "What's the plan then? I thought I could do a sonic rainboom in ten seconds flat and..."

"Wow, wow, this is awkward." You cut across Rainbow Dash, shaking your head grimly. "Look Dash, I'm sorry but the story ended one chapter ago. There's no path here, you're pretty much out of the story."

"Aw." Rainbow Dash's face falls as she slumps to the ground. "I was going to have so many fun bits to do as well!"

"It's okay Dash." You step forwards, bringing out a large object from behind your back. "Tell you what, you can do something..."

"...Just climb into this cardboard box for me."

Twelve

A coffee and donut seems to be the best plan of action! You can’t save the world on an empty stomach after all!

After wandering aimlessly around the castle, you finally make your way outside, and to Pony Joe’s legendary donut café! “One of your finest donuts, Pony Joe! Or Donut Joe! Or whatever your name is!” You slam your fist on the counter at the large unicorn in a chef’s apron.

“For the Brony Hero? It’s on the house!” Pony Joe brings you a coffee and a donut, and you scarf it down in the most heroic manner possible, pausing only to wipe your mouth on your hands, and then smear your hands over the stool next to yours.

“Thanks Pony Joe!” you reply as you lick the sugar off your lips. “It’s good to know that some ponies recognise what a true hero I am!”

“Oh I do…” Pony Joe leans across the counter, winking. “I do…”

You feel a bit like your personal space is being invaded.

What will you do?
Leave to explore the castle
Seduce Pony Joe

Forty Two

“Sorry Applejack!” you pat Apple Bloom on the head as you backhand the bucket of apples off the table dismissively. “I’ve got to find your sister a purpose in life!” Apple Bloom cheers as you lead her away by the hoof.

“Now, Apple Bloom!” You finally find a secluded spot in the orchard perfect for teaching. “You need to find your purpose in life, right? And then you’ll get your cutie mark?”

Apple Bloom nods slowly, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. “Ah try and ah try, but ah can’t find mah special purpose!” she trembles, sinking to the ground. “An’ ah’ll be a blank flank forever.”

“Oh, really?” You smirk widely, crossing your arms. “I think you’ll find Apple Bloom, that I am so amazing that meeting me is in fact the most defining moment of your life!” You point at her flank, where a strange spot of light starts to glow and the faint lines of an image appear.

“Mah mark! Mah cutie mark!” Apple Bloom twists awkwardly, eager to see what her life-changing cutie mark will be. It finally shimmers into view.

It is a drawing of your face.

“Fantastic!” You clap your hands together as Apple Bloom bursts into tears, obviously from sheer joy as she runs off sobbing to show her family and friends her wonderful new cutie mark. You wander off, proud at the brilliant job you’ve done in helping that little pony.

Explore the rest of Ponyville

START

You wake up as the warm rays of Celestia’s sun shine through your bedroom window. No, not Celestia’s sun! You narrow your eyes in hatred at the pale imitation hanging outside your window, shackled by logic and physics, shaking your fist at it from the comfort of your bed.

From downstairs, you can smell bacon being fried as your mum cooks breakfast. You lick your lips and pull on the pair of boxers that looks least used as you prepare to start the day.

You are a brony. Or as you prefer to call yourself, an ‘Animated Equine Enthusiast’. Standing in front of the mirror, you flex your toned brony muscles and admire your physique. Like most bronies you are a closet intellectual, spending your time between the appreciation of great works of literature, promoting the ethos of ‘love and tolerance’ through your myriad charity work, and working a twelve hour shift at McDonalds.

“Darling, it’s breakfast time! Num nums!” your mum calls up sweetly. You ignore her, wading through the bin-bags that litter the floor of your bedroom and collapse onto your swivel chair. Your computer sits in front of you, that glorious glowing rectangle through which you experience the full richness of life.

“If only it was real…” you murmur sadly, as you stroke the Fluttershy hugging pillow that sits propped by your desk when it’s not in use. “If only…” You look at your computer and then at the pile of empty Mountain Dew bottles that cover the floor.

What will you do?
Browse the internet for pony
Go to the shops and buy ten gallons of Mountain Dew
Seduce the Fluttershy Pillow

Seven

You square up to the manticore, remembering how in season 1 episode 2 of My Little Pony, Fluttershy faced a similarly frightening beast, but with love and friendship. As the fearsome beast rears on its hind legs to attack, you move forwards, placing a hand on its exposed furry belly and stroking it.

“Hush now quiet now!” you start to sing, channelling your hero Fluttershy. The manticore pauses, its claws frozen in mid-swipe as it stares at you. “Who’s a lovely manticore!” you coo out, ruffling its fur. “Who’s a lovely boy? What do you say eh? What do you say?”

The manticore responds by plunging the sting on its tail into your heart and pumping you full of venom. As you fall to the ground, frothing at the mouth in agony and doing your best Steve Irwin impression, you hear a shout and everything goes blank.

“Wake up mister!”

Your eyes flicker open as a pony pushes something into your mouth. You choke out at the strange woody texture, sitting up quickly. You are no longer in the forest, but in a small tent, lying on a threadbare mattress. You spit chunks of wood out of your mouth, looking at them in confusion.

“Eat it; it’ll make you feel better!”

As the fog lifts from your mind, you see a familiar looking blue pony sitting beside you, eyes full of concern. She passes you something spherical and wooden. You look down at it. It’s a pinecone. “Trixie?” you gasp. “You saved me!”

Trixie looks away sadly. “Yes, I was once the Great and Powerful Trixie, now Trixie lives in the Everfree Forest in shame. It is…” she sniffles “…good that someone remembers me!”

You clap a hand onto your chest, where the manticore stung you. There is a collection of leaves stuck over it, held down with tree sap. You smile at Trixie, and thankfully eat the pinecone whole; it is hard and spiky, and sticks in your throat as you choke it down. You realise that it will be worse coming out the other side, but Trixie’s smile more than makes up for it.

Trixie is even more beautiful than you remember from the television show, despite her bedraggled appearance. You reach forwards to pick some brambles out of her mane. “Thanks,” Trixie smiles back. “Trixie is glad she saved the strange ape creature!”

What will you do?
Leave Trixie and explore Equestria
Marry Trixie and live with her forever
Help Trixie overthrow Celestia as rightful queen of Equestria

Ten

You decide the only way to find the Time Orb is to unleash the Elements of Harmony! Also you really want to wear that cute tiara.

You enter the large hall in which the elements are kept, feeling like a conquering hero! All around you are stained glass windows that show various epic events in Equestria’s history. Towards the end of the hall, one window has been left blank, with a sign saying “RESERVED FOR BRONY HERO”. You grin widely. Soon you will be immortalised as the greatest brony in history!

You approach the massive door to the vault in which the Elements are kept. Taking a deep breath, you push the door open…

…Nothing happens. You swear under your breath, suddenly remembering that in the cartoon, Celestia unlocked it with her horn. You peer at the hole in the door, squinting into it as you think of your options. As the Brony Hero, surely you should be able to unlock the door using your innate powers! Or maybe you should give up on this course of action and explore somewhere else.

What will you do?
Stick your finger in the hole and wiggle it about. It’s a bit like a horn.
Leave to explore the rest of the castle

Thirteen

“Trixie, you’re better than this!” You grunt in pain from your injured chest as you pull yourself upright. “You’re a great magician; you don’t need to be living in the forest eating pinecones. You should be living in a palace, with servants to do your every whim!”

“Trixie knows!” the blue unicorn sniffed, pressing her head into the ground to hide her tears. “Trixie has wasted her life! All that potential, gone! Now Trixie is hated by all and must hide in the Everfree Forest.”

“No Trixie!” you stand, shaking a fist in the air. “For I have faith in you. I know that you are not just a Great and Powerful pony – you could be a Great and Powerful princess! Come with me, overthrow Celestia, take your rightful place as the ruler of Equestria!”

Trixie slowly looks up at you questioningly. “You… you really think I can do that?”

You smile. “Yes Trixie, yes I can!”

***

You waste no time in racing back to Canterlot, Trixie riding on your back and whipping you with a branch to make you go faster. Ignoring any guards who try to stop you, you burst into the throne room as Celestia is addressing a gathering of farmers. All eyes turn to you as you enter.

“What is this?” Celestia gasps in surprise. “Have you found the Time Orb?”

“No, princess!” I smirk, letting Trixie dismount from your back. “I have found your DOOM!” You and Trixie stand in front of the princess, smirking as Celestia looks between you.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, you nudge Trixie. “Go on then!”

Trixie looks up at you confused. “What? Trixie thought you had a plan!”

“I do!” you hiss back. “You’re going to overthrow Celestia!”

“Oh,” Trixie pouts. “Trixie thought you were going to do that.”

You both stare at Celestia, who stalks forwards, horn glowing brightly. “Ah, now princess!” you cry, throwing up your hands. “Do you mind if we go out and start again?”

Celestia shakes her head, her brow angrily furrowed as she looks between you. “I seem to have misplaced my faith!” she intones, with steel in her voice. “Such insurrection shall not go unpunished. Trixie – you will henceforth be banished to the Everfree Forest, where you will spend the rest of your days eating pinecones.”

“Hurray!” Trixie shouts.

“And as for you!” Celestia steps closer, and you can feel her magic close around your arms and legs, holding you tight. “You shall become my slave!”

“Hurray!” you shout.

“…in the mercury mines!” Celestia continues.

You hang your head. “…Boo!”

BAD END

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Fifteen

“Oh Trixie, you are so great and powerful to me!” You take Trixie’s hooves in your hands and look into her bright, quavering eyes. “I know we’ve only just met, but I’ve written so much fan fiction about you that it seems like we have known each other forever!”

“That’s amazing!” Trixie gasps, her mouth hanging open. “Trixie writes fan fiction about herself too! This is indeed a perfect match!”

You lean forwards to kiss her hoof. It tastes of mud. You don’t mind though. “Trixie,” you ask solemnly. “Will you do me the honour of marrying me?”

“Only if you tell Trixie how wonderful Trixie is!” Trixie smiles with glee, and wraps her hooves around your neck. You both tumble backwards onto a pile of pinecones. They are agonisingly prickly, but you have Trixie, you don’t care.

You spend the rest of your days living with Trixie in the Everfree Forest. By day you regale her with stories about herself, and by night you feast on pinecones. It is a tough life, and your bowel movements are hell, but you know you are no longer alone.

DECENT END
(Unless you are Sethisto in which case, EXCELLENT END)

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Sixteen

Midnight Castle. The very sight of this terrifying edifice sends a shiver down your spine. It has taken a full day of trekking to reach this foreboding place, but you are determined to defeat the evil Tirek and return peace to Equestria.

Striding confidently forwards, you hammer on the massive iron doors. “Oi Tirek!” you shout, trying to peep through the letter box. “Let me in, you asshole, I’m here to defeat you!”

Slowly the massive doors creak open, and a towering centaur-demon strides out. You have to crane your neck up to look at him – he is approximately 30 feet tall, with glowing red eyes and carrying a wicked pitchfork. “Who dares disturb my rest!” he roars out, waving his weapon menacingly.

You steel yourself. “It is I, the brony hero of Equestria!” you shout back. “I have come to rescue the Time Orb and defeat your evil!”

“Puny creature!” Tirek snarls, sneering down at you as he snorts out a puff of acrid smoke from his flared nostrils. “I know not of what you speak. Now, run before I crush you like the ant you are!” His cloven hooves stomp the ground menacingly.

What will you do?
Run! Run! Oh Celestia, run away and start your explorations again!
Battle Tirek one-on-one in a no-holds barred bare fist fighting contest
Battle Tirek one-on-one using your expert brony skills

Eighteen

Without a single moment of hesitation, you slam your palm down on the button. The central console shakes and then makes a ‘boing’ noise.

“What have you done?” Whooves hisses, looking about in panic.

You are confused by this, as nothing seems to have changed. “Don’t be such a bad wolf, Whooves!” you tut as you walk over to a newspaper, reading out the headline. “BAD WOLF,” you mutter. “That’s an odd headline.”

“It’s not a bad wolf, it’s a bad wolf!” Whooves shouts back, frantically pulling levers and switches. “This is bad; it could be the end of the universe! You’ve bad wolfed the bad wolf.”

“Bad Wolf?” you query as you walk over to the bad wolf. “But if I bad wolf the bad wolf it should be bad wolf.” You shake your bad wolf as you watch bad wolf at work.

“Bad Wolf,” bad wolf bad, wolf bad wolf bad wolf.

Bad wolf, “Bad wolf bad wolf, bad wolf?” Bad wolf. Bad wolf bad, wolf bad wolf! “Bad wolf bad, wolf bad wolf!”

Bad wolf.

BAD WOLF END

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Twenty

“Princess Celestia, we need to talk!” You run back into throne room, disturbing a meeting that is taking place. You know that as Brony Hero, you are far more important than whatever boring ponies are meeting the princess.

“Very well!” Celestia stands before her throne, waving a hoof at the ponies who were petitioning her. “Leave me, Society for Orphaned Ponies. There will be another chance to request funding this time next year, I hope we will be able to complete our business then!” Celestia settles her haunches upon her throne and smiles at you. “Well Brony Hero, what have you to report?”

You look grim. “Nothing princess. I’m really stuck and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’m just wandering about aimlessly. Tell me more of the Time Orb!”

“Ah!” The princess looks thoughtful for a moment. “Brony Hero, the Time Orb is one of the most precious artefacts in all Equestria. Its power is mysterious, its origins unknown. If it has fallen into the wrong hooves then the consequences could be disastrous! It was guarded in this very castle until somepony – or something stole it! All I know is that the thief must have had powerful abilities indeed!”

“Right.” You ponder this in your mind. “So it’s an orb then. Like, a ball.”

“Y-yes…” Celestia stammers. “The clue’s in the name.”

“Okay.” You start to wander towards the exit. “I think I know what I’m doing now princess, thanks for the tip!”

“Brony Hero!” Celestia calls out after you. “You must find the Time Orb! Or we are all doomed!”

What will you do?
Explore the castle to look for clues
Leave the castle to explore Equestria (and find Fluttershy)
Seduce Princess Celestia

Twenty Two

You decide that there is only one logical course of action – search Princess Luna’s room! After talking to several guards, you finally find your way to her room and inspect the locked door. Studying the lock, you think back to all the films you’ve seen on television and decide to use your lock-picking skills.

After several kicks, the door breaks down and you are in! You breath in the air in triumph, as you flop on her bed. Luna’s bed! Where Luna sleeps! “Squeeee!” you shout out as you giggle and mess up the sheets. “I’m in Luna’s bed!”

Remembering why you are here, you start to look for clues to where the uh… the ah… the thingy you’re looking for. Yeah, Time Orb, that’s it. That’s why you’re here. The first place you choose to search is Luna’s drawers – there’s bound to be a clue in there!

As you rifle through her possessions, you burst with pride at how brave and noble you are being.

“What are you doing here?”

You freeze in terror, underwear on your head as you turn and see Luna standing in the doorway behind you!

What will you do?
Explain to Luna that you are actually searching for the Time Orb
Complain to Luna that you liked her in season one better
Seduce Luna

Twenty Five

“Oh Pony Joe…” you lean forwards too, ‘accidently’ brushing your hand against his hoof. “I’ve always admired your… icing skills.” You wink back, waggling an eyebrow. “Perhaps I can try some of your… special icing?”

“That’s a great idea!” Pony Joe suddenly leaps into the kitchen, and then trots back, carrying a large donut covered in the most intricate frosting. “This is my most precious donut, I spent months icing it!”

You gaze at the donut for a few moments. That wasn’t quite what you had in mind, but you take what you can get. You reach for the donut and slowly take a bite out of it. It tastes amazing, like a bite of heaven itself. Every mouthful is like a never-ending waterfall of sugar and delight. “That’s… that’s amazing!” you moan, your mouth full of icing as you finish off the donut.

Pony Joe watches you eat the donut, and then taps his hooves on the till. “That’ll be five hundred bits,” he announces coldly.

You freeze, a few donut crumbs falling out of your mouth. “B-but I thought it was free!” you squeak.

“Not that one. That’s my most precious donut. Five hundred bits.” Pony Joe holds out a hoof, his face suddenly taking on an angry expression.

“I... I don’t have any bits!” You wipe the donut crumbs off your mouth guiltily as if that will make it all better. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Pony Joe strokes his chin. “There’s one way to work off your debt, but it won’t be easy…”

And that is how the Brony Hero of Equestria ended up spending the rest of his life as the dishwasher in the back of a donut café.

BAD END

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Thirty

You jam your finger into the hole, pushing it as far in as you can. “C’mon!” you mutter to yourself as you wiggle it around, hoping that your brony powers will be enough to unlock the magic door.

It doesn’t work. You scowl and try to pull your finger out. It won’t budge. You yank harder, but it seems to be stuck tight; you must have wedged it in pretty hard. Placing both feet against the door, you strain as hard as you can, but your finger remains trapped.

“Uh.. help?” you call out nervously, looking about. The chamber is empty. From the dust that is settled on the floor, it seems that this chamber isn’t used often at all, perhaps only for ceremonial occasions once a year.

“Help? Help! HELP!” You cry louder and louder, for any pony to come to your rescue.

By the time a cleaner comes by two months later, it is too late.

BAD END

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Thirty Three

"What's going on?" You look around in confusion as you find yourself wearing a tuxedo and top hat and standing before the throne of Canterlot. "H-how did I get here?" It's all a blur. You can't remember how you found yourself getting to this point, nor of any decisions you took that could have possibly resulted in this. You turn around, seeing row upon row of ponies watching you intently.

"You have brony powers beyond reproach!" You hear a familiar voice to your left, and as you see the speaker your legs go giddy. It is Princess Luna, in a wedding dress. "Only by thinking outside the box, by defying the rules and reality itself could you hope to have gained the love of a princess!" she says, as the wedding theme start to play on a nearby organ.

"This is amazing!" you squeak, jumping up and down in joy. "I'm marrying Princess Luna! Could this get any better?"

Indeed it could! For trotting down the aisle comes Fluttershy, also in a wedding dress. "Fluttershy!" you cry out in joy, tears streaming down your cheeks. "I'm marrying you too?"

"Yes!" Luna announces as Fluttershy takes to your side. "You have fallen sideways through time and space into a situation not thought possible! You will be marrying both of us!"

All the gathered ponies cheer you and your double-wives as you make your wedding vows. "Best. Ending. Ever!" you mutter under your breath as Fluttershy and Luna sweep you off your feet and into an awaiting carriage.

SECRETEND

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Thirty Six

“I’m sorry my pony friends.” You look around at the crumpled faces of all the ponies as you announce your decision. “I must return to my home planet, I have important duties to perform, the League of Legends needs me!”

Holding the Time Orb above your head, you give it a little shake. Tiny flakes of fake snow start to tumble about, faster and faster and faster, getting larger and larger and seemingly escaping the globe, surrounding you in a shimmer of light. You cry out in alarm as the floor gives way beneath you and you are caught in a tidal wave of magic that feels like it will never end.

You jerk awake, sprawled on the floor of your room. After patting yourself down to make sure that you still exist, you clamber to your feet and let out a sigh of relief. “I made it!” you gasp. “I’m alive!” As you sit down on your swivel chair, you think back about your amazing adventures and all the friends you made. You vow to dedicate yourself to continuing the path of justice and righteousness, and become not only the Brony Hero of Equestria, but the Brony Hero of Earth too. You will be a paradigm of truth and virtue!

“But first…” you giggle, as an idea takes hold, “it’s time to log on to my troll account and make fun of people on Twitter!”

DECENT END

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Thirty Eight

As the ponies watch you expectantly, a sly thought crosses your mind. Perhaps you can have a bit of fun with this. “It’s so great to see you here today!” you announce, making eye contact with each pony in the audience in turn. “As you know, I am the Brony Hero, nee Coppola, nee Power Man, otherwise known as Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage.”

To your surprise there is a long gasp from the audience, and a pony at the back shouts “it’s the Ghost Rider!” before fainting.

“Oh…” You trail off, scratching your head awkwardly. You had hoped that you’d be able to trick the ponies into thinking you were a famous actor back on Earth, but somehow they seem to recognise the name. Perhaps Nicholas Cage’s fame is universal?

“So you… know about Hollywood actors?” you venture, looking to the mayor.

“Oh yes!” she trills happily. “Princess Celestia enjoys showing your films at the Canterlot theatre, Mr Cage! We all think you’re amazing!” All the ponies in the audience suddenly start to clap and cheer.

You stroke your chin as you realise what is happening. Whilst the ponies are obviously big fans of Nicholas Cage, as all sane people are, they probably can’t tell humans apart. To the average pony, you look exactly the same as the devilishly handsome Mr Cage.

“That’s right!” you spread your arms in triumph. “I am Nicholas Cage; I live in a mansion and every night I read Action Comics issue one before I sleep!”

A little white unicorn head pops up in the middle of the crowd. You smile – it is none other than Sweetie Belle, the cute little filly sister of Rarity. “Mr Cage, Mr Cage!” she squeaks over the din of the cheering crowd. “My sister loves you! I know she’s busy but please please please come and see her!”

You are about to respond, when a yellow pony with an image of a jar of honey on her flank clambers desperately onto the stage, looking at you with wild eyes. “No, Mr Cage, you must come with me!” she cries, throwing herself at your knees.

“Get off my knees!” you shout, brushing the strange pony off you. “Who are you, and why are you better than Rarity?”

The pony looked up at you. “My name is Honey Trap!” she gasps out. “And I know the location of the Time Orb, but only the unique talents of Nicholas Cage can possibly rescue it!”

Rarity or your mission – what a choice!

What will you do?
Go with Sweetie Belle to see Rarity
Go with Honey Trap to find the Time Orb

Forty Three

“Actually, Princess, I think I’ll choose option three!” You clutch the Time Orb, and hold it in front of you threateningly. “Your evil dictatorship of peace and tolerance is over! Using the powers of the Time Orb, I will overthrow you and take my rightful place on the throne!”

Celestia seems genuinely taken aback at this, her eyes widen open as she stares at the threatening ball of power that you hold. “No Brony Hero, no!” she cries. “You can’t!”

“Oh, but I can!” You cackle, as you shake the globe in Celestia’s direction. Immediately a beam of light arcs out from it, striking Celestia in the chest. She cries out, falling to her knees as all around you ponies look on in shock, unsure of how to act. “How does it feel Princess,” you boom, stalking forwards. “To know you have been beaten by the Brony Hero! And now I will take your power!”

As Celestia cries out, something strange happens. Her wings start to shrink; her powerful frame collapses in on itself, soft legs becoming bony and spindly. As the aura of power fades, lying before you on the floor is not the princess of Equestria but instead a lank, spotty teenager wearing an unwashed Rainbow Dash t-shirt.

“Celestia!” you gasp. “You were a Brony all along! I should have known!”

“No!” the Brony that was once Celestia cries, hands clutching pitifully for the Time Orb which is now ablaze with energies in your hand. “Give me back my power!”

“I think you mean MY power!” You shake the globe again, and immediately you are bathed in its majesty. You experience a quick bout of discomfort as your body ripples and twists, turning into white marshmallow until your form completely changes, becoming that of Princess Celestia!

“Now I am the new Princess Celestia!” you announce in your regal tones, your beautiful multicoloured mane shimmering behind you as you turn your back on the fallen Brony. “As pony princess, I vow to rule you with love and harmony, and continue to embody the best of Brony ideals!”

All the ponies in the throne room cheer as guards arrive to drag the deposed Brony away. “Now!” you smirk towards a nearby courtier. “Bring me Fluttershy!”

BEST END
YOU ROCK. WOOHOO!

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Forty Five

Taking matters into your own hands (as well as a large cream bun) you decide to search for Pinkie Pie. “Let’s get this party started!” you shout as you push past Mrs Cake and into the rest of Sugar Cube Corner.

Past the main shop stretches the rest of the house – it’s pretty large with a huge kitchen and sitting room, and myriad other rooms that seem to randomly branch off from each other. Realising the best way to search is in a methodical manner, you endeavour to start in the basement and work your way up room by room.

The stairs to the basement creak heavily as you walk down. You scrabble for a light switch or lantern, but there is nothing to hand. “Hello?” you call into the darkness as you move further downwards. Your eyes slowly adjust to the gloom, picking out a table with various indistinguishable objects on it. “Hello? Pinkie?” Your voice wavers slightly as you uncertainly move forwards, testing the floor with each footstep in case you should trip and fall.

“hEhEhE!” A ragged laugh cuts through the air, and a pair of bright blue eyes pop open in the pitch black. “Hello Brony Hero, I’ve got a… surprise for you!” It’s unmistakably Pinkie’s voice, but standing in the blackness with her, it doesn’t feel like a fun voice. There is another peal of laugher as she suddenly lunges towards you. “And that surprise is DEATH!”

What will you do?
Try to fight Pinkie off
Accept your fate

Forty Seven

You fall onto one knee, holding out the rose. “Fluttershy, light of my life! Though we’ve never met, I feel like I know your every beautiful thought, your every feeling! The walls of my bedroom are covered in printouts of you! It’s all been for you Fluttershy, this crazy pony journey, all for you!”

Fluttershy looks at the rose, and then tilts her head as she looks into your eyes. “Um, no.” she replies softly.

“Um, yes!” you counter with, waggling your eyebrows. “C’mon darling, don’t fight it! You’re mine now, it’s your destiny!” Fluttershy just gazes back at you.

Too late, you realise she has used The Stare. Your vision swims as you feel the tendrils of her mental powers curling around your brain. “N-nuh!” you mouth, but soon you lose even the power of speech itself.

Fluttershy turns and walks out of the house. You find yourself unable to resist following her in a stupor, stumbling along without a will of your own. She finally stops in a forest clearing and points at a pile of leaves. “These need tidying up!” she snaps. “And once you’ve done that, you can make sure all the bird nests have pillows in them!”

You nod jerkily as you fall to your knees, your mind now completely taken over by Fluttershy’s mental powers, grabbing armfuls of leaves and piling them up. It is backbreaking work, but it is for Fluttershy so you don’t mind.

Which is good, because Fluttershy has a lot of jobs for you to do.

BAD END
(Or GOOD END if you really really like Fluttershy)

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Fifty Four

“Actually Rarity…” you stop walking towards the sultry pony in order to flip over a nearby table. “I’m here to tell you what an awful pony you are!” Rarity gasps and start to move, but you shush her and motion her to stay.

“Hear me out, Rarity!” You pick up a piece of dressmakers chalk that is lying nearby and start to draw a diagram on a wall. “In season one, you weren’t my favourite pony, but you weren’t the worst either. You were sweet yet sassy, confident yet friendly. But then season two came…” You shake your head sadly. “And suddenly you were a caricature of your former glory. Being blind to the needs of your sister! Abandoning your friends! Obviously shipping yourself with Spike instead of me! No Rarity, I don’t love you.”

You pause dramatically. “I pity you.”

Rarity stares back. “I have no idea what you are talking about!” she hisses, as her horn glows and a rather large and heavy sewing machine floats into the air. “Now, get out of my house before you’re sorry!”

“See!” you waggle the chalk at Rarity. “Season one Rarity would never do th-“

You don’t get to finish the sentence, as a large metal sewing machine bounces off your head. “Okay, okay, I get the hint!” You scramble for the door as sharp knitting needles start to fly in your direction like javelins.

“Frickin’ season two Rarity!” you grumble as you escape into the sunshine of Ponyville.

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Fifty Seven

“Die Pinkie, die!” As the pink pony launches towards you, you grab her forehooves, swinging her round to smack her against the nearest wall. Before she can regain her balance, you stumble around in the darkness and pick up the table, hurling it in the direction you threw her in. it is impossible to see properly in the darkness, but you can hear Pinkie cry out. “Now your reign of evil is over, Pinkamina!” you shout as you kick her fallen form.

The lights flick on and Mrs Cake races down the stairs. “What’s going on?” she cries in alarm at the sight of you repeatedly kicking Pinkie Pie.

Blinking from the sudden onrush of light, you look down. Pinkie is on the floor before you, covered in desserts which had been tipped off the table that you threw. She picks her head up dizzily, tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. “I was going to throw the Brony Hero a surprise party with my ‘Death by Chocolate’ cake and he attacked me!”

“Oooh it was a cake!” you roll your eyes in amusement. “Oh Pinkie, you’re so silly, I thought you were going to murder me!” Pinkie doesn’t seem to find this funny though, and stays curled on the ground, sobbing.

“Why would you think something so ridiculous?” Mrs Cake turns on you angrily as she hugs Pinkie.

You shrug. “Oh, I just write a lot of stories where Pinkie Pie is a crazy murderer.” Pinkie starts to cry harder as you continue. “I mean, I know she’s not, but it’s still good, harmless fun!”

Mrs Cake shakes her head as you watch Pinkie Pie cry amidst a pile of fallen desserts. You make your apologies and quickly leave.

Boy, that was awkward.

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Fifty Nine

You push open the door to the library hesitantly, peering inside. “Twilight?” you call as you look around the dusty interior, shelves piled high with books. “Twilight Sparkle? It’s me, the Brony Hero, here to see you!”

“Oh, Princess Celestia said you might be coming!” A familiar purple head pops up from underneath a pile of paperwork, and Twilight Sparkle bounds towards you, welcoming you in. “I can’t believe it, a real life human! I’ve always wanted to meet a real life human, I’ve got so many questions!”

You look down at Twilight with a smile. She’s so eager as she scurries around you, pulling out books she thinks you might be interested in, and asking all sorts of questions about humans. What do you eat? Where do you sleep? Do you really have only one stomach? You shake your head softly at all the questions as you sit down on a sofa and let Twilight pass you lots of books on various subjects.

She scoots up on the sofa with you, peering at her pile of books. “I thought we could maybe talk about books?” she says sweetly, fluttering her eyelashes.

What will you do?
Seduce Twilight Sparkle by showing off your literary knowledge
Tell Twilight about your quest for the Time Orb
Leave and explore the rest of Ponyville