Chapter 3: Espionage

Blueblood grins "A deep friendship, perhaps? An attempt to impress you?"

These words echo around the inside of Rarity's head, as relentless as her sister when she had decided to taste Twilight's dark coffee.

What could he mean? Spike is a good friend, yes, but... wouldn't he prefer spending time with the others over sitting in the boutique? Why am I... why can't I stop thinking abou- OW! Rarity winces, a ruler held in Luna's magical field hovering over her slapped hoof "Pay attention Ms. Belle."

Rarity rubs the sore spot, wincing "Why couldn't you just nudge me?"

Luna shrugs "I didn't consider that. Now focus on the text, there will be a pop quiz tonight."

"Uhm... You told me about it so wouldn't it just be a regular quiz?"

Luna grins "Maybe. We aren't addressing semantics right now, so focus on the text in front of you and then you can break for lunch to ponder the intentions of Spike the dragon."

Rarity blushes "Hasn't anypony told you that reading another pony's mind is rude?"

Luna cocks her head to the side, thinking "Several times and on several occasions. I may have accidentally ousted one or a dozen of my sister's chambermaids as those who enjoy the company of the cunning sex over the boorish sex." she shrugs "My sister was a bit of a phobe."

Rarity gives Luna a flat stare "I know for a fact that Princess Celestia doesn't care about orientation."

"Pages 2546- 2631. Contains her inebriated rant about that event. 2642-2650 is an actual size copy of her decree to have all homosexual ponies wear a white scarf with a red star in the center on their neck. Then when she saw me wearing one, she explained what it was about and how it wasn't a fashion accessory. I told her I knew full well what it meant and was just following the law. I had a similar decree saying that they could be exempt from the 'marriage taxes' if they proved that they were truly in love. And if I liked, I would give them an untaxable gift of a small dowry with my best wishes and, if they so felt it, I would marry them myself in exchange for a kiss from both. The kisses were optional."

Rarity's eye twitches "Y-you? You are a... a... not that there's anything wrong with that! I know for a fact contrary to the rumors of the fearful, it is not a choice, but rather you are born that way."

Luna grins "I know, and I have decided to create some night terrors for the most vocal of the opposition. And why wouldn't I be? Is that a shot about me being archaic? Ancient? That I have the sentiments of the conservatives and nobles?" Luna walks over, muzzle to muzzle with Rarity "Do you take me for a hateful hag in a cave with inbred children? Do you think I a fool?"

Rarity shakes her head furiously "The majority of my friends are... 'Gay'?" she ventured nervously, not desiring to upset the princess of the night.

Luna's eyes turn to slits "We prefer 'Mare munchers', 'Filly foolers' or just homosexuals." She grins "I know what you meant the entire time! Develop a sense of humor! You'll never get a good partner either in life or in general being so serious. Or you'll find out your knight in shining armor is really an idiot running around in tin foil."

Rarity sighs "Trust me, from meeting Blueblood, I know."

Blueblood sighs, standing in the doorway "Why do I even try to befriend mares? Stallions are so much easier..."

Rarity gasps "I... I didn't mean anything by it!"

Blueblood grins weakly "I know, who knew that she was right about the importance of a good first impression."

Luna nods to him "Would you like to join us Blueblood? We are going out to eat as soon as Ms. Belle completes her remedial world history."

Rarity sighs "I'm reading it... but it's all about a decade of nothing but marriage, death, and birth certificates. Crop growth, intensity of weather, and other trivial facts that won't have any use!"

Luna rolls her eyes "I know, I slipped in a random copy of the farmer's almanac when you spaced out. Just two more pages Ms. Belle, that's all."

That's all she says, I have to use a loupe to read this tiny writing! Rarity thinks to herself, then groans I need to ask Twilight how she can sit and read all this... oh hello!

Rarity mouths a passage, a blush forming "P-Princess Luna? I seem to have found an entry about an... interspecies... 'cabal'"

Luna raises an eye brow and squints at the passage, a blush blooming across her face "Oh! Oh wow... I had no idea sister used the history book for this purpose... this is a bonus for keeping their descendants' pride in check. Let's cut the reading short, and I'll just read the actual reading while we eat lunch... and she said I was the wild one."

Midnight wipes her eyes "... Why am I awake in the middle of the day? I need my sleep."

Luna rolls her eyes "You were stuffing your face with dried fruit."

"I eat in my sleep! It's a condition!"

Blueblood shudders "At least you aren't biting ponies."

Midnight shakes her head "Nah, I just do that to you to annoy the heck out of you. And 'cause you smell like fruit."

Blueblood sighs "Why must my favorite shampoo be fruit scented? Why can't I just enjoy the feeling of being submerged in delicious berries without having to jump at shadows expecting a batpony to jump out at me?"

Midnight licks his ear "I can taste it... you should use durian scented though, that would have you covered in thestrals like bees to honey."

Rarity shivers "Princess-"

Luna plucks an immaculate hair from Rarity's mane "I have told you drop the title. Each time you fail to do so, I will pluck a strand from your mane. Soon the idea of addressing me formally will have a negative association akin to Pavlov's wolves. Now, in the twentieth year after the great unification, an outbreak of the malevolent species of insects known in Line Airium's binomial classification as Parasitus Rapax, or the common name 'parasprites'."

Rarity shivers "Oh... I remember those disgusting little vermin! They... they..." she turns green at the memory.

Luna frowns "Yes, disgusting, they were a creation made by Discord. We adapted by growing tubers and other subterranean vegetables. It was Chancellor Puddinghead that discovered the way of driving them away, and created the unique musical style of 'Pudding's Killing' which was shortened to 'Polka'. So after teaching a number of ponies how to preform this, he threw himself into a ravine screaming "I sense my future is bri-'"

Rarity cocks her head "'Bri'?"

"That was all he said before disappearing. We searched for a whole year, trying to find any sign of his body but all we found was his clothing, as if his whole body disintegrated, leaving his clothes behind. We never saw him again."

Midnight nods "Yeah, but there were notes found in his mud mansion talking about something called 'Party Crashing'. Scholars are still poring over those notes, something about going back in time to become immortal or something. He seemed immune to disease, had beyond bestial senses, and most impressive, his physical abilities were so beyond normal that it was rumored that he was an alicorn in disguise."

Luna shook her head "No, he was just a powerful earth pony who unfortunately was gifted with intuition. And before you ask, your friend Pinkie is related. After that, we had stopped looking, and had begun to truly unify against a world set on killing us. We grew wise and strong, learning from the other species but having no idea what was over the horizon, Tia acted as a beacon of hope while I stayed in the background, trying to discover something that would allow us to live better, something to give them peace of mind. I found something better. I found a slumbering, near dead stallion."

"How exactly is that better?"

Luna grins "That stallion brought with him a legend. A legend that united everypony. His name was Ice Heart, the first crystal pony."

Rarity pauses "C-crystal... pony?"

Luna nods "Yes, he spoke of a mad god of chaos who had turned him into a living lump of cryosite, rendering him near-indestructible but also without his prized wings to fly, nor warmth in his body. Many ponies thought that he was lying but I saw his terror, his abject fear of that god, so I told the others about his complete honesty and... they accepted it. We now had a common enemy that would unite all but one of us... the name of this creature was Discord."

Rarity shivers "You mean that hideously garish and horrible statue in the center of the statue garden at the castle?"

Luna nods "That is Discord himself, entrapped in stone by the elements to harmony. Where he has stood petrified for nearly a thousand years. That about covers the basics of this lesson. now onto building up your stamina. To the torture house!"

Rarity blanches, Midnight picking her up with ease and carrying her out of the restaurant "T-torture?"

Rarity sighs with relief, the 'Torture house' was just a spa house "Why would you call this a 'Torture house'? It looks positively relaxing."

Midnight grins "We never said you were going to be a customer. You're going to have to break in, gather information on a certain individual within, leave, and never blow your cover. The target is this stallion."

Rarity takes the picture in question and blushes "H- him? But that's Shining Armour! He's engaged to princess Cadenza, and if I get caught-"

Luna waves a hoof dismissively "Worry not, we will be watching from afar, I am royalty so unless I do something like kill a small village of innocents or something I'm immune to rules and laws, and as my guard escort, that immunity extends to Midnight. If need be, you can have Blueblood take the blame, I know for a fact that he cuts the rope off his soap-on-a-rope for good reason."

Blueblood blushes "Sh-shut up..."

Rarity cocks her head "I haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about. Is there anything in particular that you need me to find out?"

Luna nods "Yes, you are to learn how it is that she ascended. And her favorite color, which I hope isn't pink. Seriously, she's a perky pretty pink pony princess. That much cutesiness gives me dry heaves."

Midnight shrugs "I don't mind, she always smells like lemonade and tangelos."

Blueblood rolls his eyes "Do you live your life through your sense of smell and taste?"

Midnight shrugs "Does it matter?"

Rarity nods slowly "Are there any... restrictions I need to follow?"

"Don't get caught."

Okay, it's just like... like... hmmm... Rarity thinks to herself, entering the spa.

Rarity looks around the waiting area of the spa, taking stock of everything Silk/cotton upholstery on the chairs, the skeletons of which are 65% iron, 25% nickel and 10% steel. The counter is across from the chair, an unpolished schist island, how drab... there is a perky looking mare at the counter who hasn't seen me yet and judging from the warped vinyl flooring in front of the doors, those lead to the spa itself...

Rarity smirks Good thing I still practice gymnastics. With a silent leap courtesy of her filed hooves, Rarity sticks to the lower part of the island, holding her tail against her barrel. Extending one leg at a time, she stays flat on the ground and slinks silently under the mare at the counter unaware of the intruder.

Having passed the first obstacle with ease, Rarity starts to use her magic to open the door No! Magic makes a noise and I'm to enter undetected... she places her hoof on the doorknob and slowly opens the door wide enough to slip through.

Maybe I was a ninja in a past life. Oh! I could make some nylon outfits with sound dampening stockings! Ooh! And a warm jacket with some weather and temperature proofing spells... and a hood, to hide my mane... Rarity muses, imagining the result of her inspiration before refocusing on the task Focus Rarity! Get the mission done and then make clothing.

"Can I help you?" someone asks, startling Rarity.

She turns and standing behind her is a large grey pegasus "Well?"

Rarity clears her throat "Yes, I was looking for the manager of this establishment in order to file a complaint on behalf of an injured friend of mine."

The pegasus grins "That so happens to be me. Why don't we speak of this someplace where other clients might not hear?"

Oh that's completely innocent. "No, I believe that right here where EVERYPONY CAN HEAR is perfectly fine for our talks." Rarity shouts, drawing attention to herself.

The stallion shuffles nervously "D-don't be ridiculous... come on, let's go to my office and talk, okay?"

Rarity grins internally "Oh no, you SHOULDN'T have to PUT yourself OUT for me, I'm fine RIGHT HERE."

He starts to sweat a bit "Please... I'm begging you..."

"You needn't BEG. I WON'T LET YOU, so I'll wait for you to FINISH."

He starts to look around him, sweating profusely "I'll give you anything! Money, free spa days, ANYTHING!! Just please stop with your innuendo!"

Rarity smirks "Get me a private sauna with Captain Shining Armour, I have a number of questions for the Canterlot inquirer about his mysterious relationship with Princess Celestia."

He nods fervently and gallops towards a mud-covered stallion and drags him towards an open door.

"... I can't believe that worked. Who knew that reading some of Fluttershy's rough drafts would help..." Rarity mutters, following the flustered stallion and his mud covered captive.

"... What just happened?" the white unicorn asks aloud, mud sliding off his coat.

Rarity shuts the door and bats her eyelashes, her makeup wiped off and mane and tail straightened and tied back "Ahem, ah am with th' Canterlot Inquirer..." I seriously hope practicing my Applejack impression worked...

"Really? I never knew that they interviewed somepony in the middle of a spa day. Wait! Don't write that I was at a spa! It's bad enough Cadence makes fun of my fashion sense!"

Note: he is possibly as insecure about his image as Blueblood is... "Dont'cha worry none. This interview ain't 'bout you, it's 'bout yer... royal fiancé. Now, how do ya know her in th' first place? Ah mean, she's a princess an' yer a guard captain..."

Shining Armour blushes "W-well she was the foalsitter for my younger sister and I... we started to hang out and... as the years went by I fell in love with her... even though she was already an alicorn when we met."

Oh dear, if she had ascended before they met, he might not know! "About that... how exactly did she ascend? 'Cause she ain't like princesses Luna or Celestia."

Shining grins "That's a state secret miss...?"

"Core, Apple Core." I'll have to ask Applejack if that's a good Apple family name... later.

He nods "You look like an Apple, built like a house and twice as strong. Hey, do you know Apple Crisp from Manehatten?"

"Manehatten? Ya sure? There ain't no Apples there 'cept mah second aunt, but she's an Orange." Rarity replies confidently Nice try, I listen to Applejack when she groans about 'fancy ponies'

Shining chuckles "Yeah, I guess I was wrong about where she came from..."

"So ya can't tell me how she ascended? That's a load of rotten fritters in summer!" Note to self: start writing Applejacks countryisms down.

He recoils "What? I can't tell you, it's a secret!"

Rarity smirks "Meanin' ya don't know. 'State secret' my left hoof."

"... Fine, you caught me. I don't know... I never thought to ask and she never brought it up... I'm such a bad fiancé..." he sighs, staring at the floor.

"Now that ain't true. Ah'm sure yall're a good fiancé, not knowin' somethin' ain't worth beatin' yerself over. 'Sides, ah already got it from th' princess a while ago, she jus' asked me to see if'n ya knew or not. Congrats on gettin' a princess Shinin' Armor."

He grins weakly and Rarity exits the sauna, smiling confidently Mission half-way accomplished.

"... I raise you two" Luna says, sliding two bits forward.

Midnight nods "I'll call and raise you three"

Blueblood sighs "I fold."

He flips over two cards and Luna glares at them "I raise by two."

Midnight does the same and Luna sets her hand down "Three jacks over four."

Midnight grins "Straight flush. I win."

Luna groans, the last of her bits taken "Ugh... why can't I ever beat you?"

Midnight grins "Mind reading is banned and I'm the best in the guard poker tournament. Both night and day regiments."

Blueblood slides the few bits he had left into his bag "And I suck at reading bluffs... or remembering what to do..."

Luna's ears perk "I think she's leaving..."

Rarity walks over, sans styled mane and makeup "Hello Luna, Midnight, Blueblood."

Midnight smiles "Did you succeed?"

Rarity holds a hoof up and makes the universal "So-so" motion "Almost, he didn't know it but I didn't get caught. Luna, can you get a small article in the inquirer?"

Luna cocks her head "Why?"

"I told him I was a reporter from there and I was writing a short piece about her, maybe just a small one with a few paragraphs. Maybe bigger if we get the answer from your sister."

Luna grins "I already asked her, she said it was a 'State secret' meaning she didn't know. I dug a little and it turns out it was from a ritual cast by a small cult and she was a hostage who sacrificed herself to be the test subject for the spell. Apparently it used some of Tia's own blood to transform her, she also got a cutie mark because the surge of energy started pulling the long distant Crystal empire back to this world. But that's a lesson for another day. congratulations Rarity, you passed the espionage test. I suggest you go home to your sister and friends, I know you worry."

Rarity gapes "You're... just letting me go?"

Midnight rolls her eyes "You act as if she kidnapped you. You need to rest and we need to rework the teaching strategies. So go unless you want to get more lectures"

Before they can blink, Rarity is gone, all of her luggage lagging behind her as she boards the train home FREEDOM!!!

Luna blinks "Huh... Want to go to the castle and play guard chess?"

Midnight grins "I call white!"

Author's Note

I'm finally done (my aching fingers...)

Anyways, Rarity is free to return home.

Apparently poise and form help in espionage (And innuendo, which is always fun.)