Gaseous Uranium Compound

by Black Month Willem Dafoe

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1422

A human winds up in Equestria. Unbeknownst to said human the fate of the entire world rests on his shoulders. Also he's dead.

A human winds up in Equestria. Unbeknownst to said human the fate of the entire world rests on his shoulders.

Published 2014-10-29 21:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-29 21:40:07 UTC

A Mysterious Corpse-like Thing

Robert Franklin Miller, a human who's name serves only as a placeholder, was silently sneaking his way into the Large Hadron Collider. He hopped the fence, and looked around, scanning the scenery, a task made possible by the light rays entering his eye through the cornea. The cornea's incredible refractive magic bent the light rays, allowing them to slip through the pupil, passing through the lens, further bending the light to focus it on his retina, which was covered in various light-sensitive nerve cells. The light was transformed into electrical impulses that were sent to the brain in order to produce an image. This continuous flow of light and information allowed Robert to perceive motion, just like any other normal human.

"Perfect, the collider is closed for Christmas break as I thought, nobody is even here. Except me of course, but even that can't be proven, I could be hallucinating this whole thing, however, various sensory inputs indicate that I am at the collider, so that seems to be the likely conclusion given my lack of a history of mental disorders," said Robert to himself, "not sure why I told myself that since I already know, despite the fact that knowledge could be an illusion, but whatever."

Robert casually made his way over to the collider, and tried to open the door to the collider room. Unfortunately when he jostled the handle, he was met with a series of discouraging clicks.

"Frankly I don't know why I expected them to keep the door unlocked," he said aloud as he removed a large black bag from his back, placing it in front of himself. He reached inside the bag and pulled out a smaller bag, this one being a plastic one of Ziplock brand, "ah here it is, a bag filled to the brim with thumbs, I knew I had one somewhere."

Robert pulled out the thumbs one by one and scanned them on the thumb scanner(as I'm sure you deduced) of the locked door. Eventually, about thirty or so thumbs in, he got the right one and the door clicked. Robert threw his thumbs in the recycle bin and stepped inside, making his way over to the Hadron Computer. He punched in a few keys, thankfully one of the scientists had left a post-it with the password written on it in case they forgot.

Robert accessed the Word document that contained all of the computer science-y stuff in the collider's memory banks. He moved on over to the Theory of Relativity, a foolish, incorrect E=mc², and replaced it with the mathematically superior E=mc³.

"If these calculations are correct, which they are since I'm a genius, this whole deliciously ridiculous plan should create a million black holes, one of which will lead into Equestria, and the other several million of which will lead directly to Hell."

Thankfully, Robert had a fail-safe in his already ingenious plan to go to a place with cartoon ponies in it. He reached into his black bag, and pulled out yet another Ziplock one, this one filled with pony paraphernalia. He pulled the lever labeled "ACTIVATE COLLIDER" and threw all of the pony stuff into the Collider Hole™. As he had expected, millions of black holes appeared, but one of them, surely the one he was after, was a pink hole, thanks to the blur of colorful horse stuff that filled it past it's event horizon. He dove in, pulled towards the center by gravity so strong that even light could not escape it's nefarious, and simultaneously inanimate clutches. The difference in gravity between the center and the event horizon created a tidal force on his body, in which his head accelerated faster than his feet, stretching him until he snapped at the weakest point in his body, being ripped into pieces of shameful atomic waste as he, or what was left of him, namely a mass of atoms, reached the singularity.

Thankfully he landed right in the middle of Equestria, which, as luck would have it, happened to be the Ponyville City Hall. Robert was nonplussed, his plan had worked, despite being hastily thrown together, and frankly, not very good, his plan had worked. Unfortunately as he tried to celebrate he realized that no sounds were coming out, at which point he became aware of the burning pain in not only his lungs, but his entire body. Frantically he reached into his bag to fetch an oxygen tank, but as he dug he noticed out of the corner of his eye, that his atmosphere scanning device was displaying not an O, but a U.

Almost directly after coming to the realization that ponies breathe a gaseous uranium compound, Robert passed out, much to the horror of everypony around him, who frankly were already trying to recover from the horror of a completely new species appearing out of thin air, then flailing around like a maniac.

Some of them even had heart attacks, the poor dears.

Not quite knowing how to handle the situation, the ponies who didn't get heart attacks decided to drag the body of Robert over to Twilight Sparkle since she is the only nerd in Ponyville, and she can usually fix problems in twenty to forty minutes or your money back.
They knocked on the door, cursing at the pain since crystal is a very hard and jagged material, and patiently waited for their princess.

Eventually Twilight did open the door, though she looked half-asleep with her almost closed eyes and unkempt mane. She sipped a mug of coffee that had a cute kitty on it.

"Twilight," cried one of the worthless citizens at the princess's door, "this thing popped up in the middle of town and subsequently suffocated, since we are My Little Pony background characters, and are therefore unable to solve our own problems, we need you to do it for us."

Twilight grunted, pulled Robert's dead carcass into the crystal tree-castle, and slammed the door on the ponies who disturbed her.

"I don't know how many times I've told them not to bother me before ten in the morning," she grumbled as she half-heartedly dragged Robert to her science room, "Spike! I need you to bring me literally every book in the library, we may have discovered a new species."

Spike, who was sipping a martini at the time of the request, as per his morning ritual, grunted and reluctantly ran off to go get the books.

Twilight plopped Robert onto one of those doctor beds with the piece of paper on top of it that is standard for some reason and pulled out her anatomy scanning pieces of machinery.

She scanned him with various devices that were too complex for even my brain to comprehend.

"Well, apparently this thing is made up of one hundred percent cancer cells. That certainly explains why it died..."

Spike walked in with the books and stood next to Twilight.

"Twilight, why exactly did you need me to get these books? You've literally memorized all of them."

"I know Spike, but I couldn't just let you do nothing while I was working on this mysterious corpse, if I work, you work, that's the deal." Twilight put up her hoof as Spike opened his mouth, likely to yell at her, "now, I should probably send a letter to Princess Celestia or something. Just make it say 'Dear Princess Celestia, found this weird, dead bipedal creature' and include a half-assed drawing of it or something."

Spike complied and sent the letter.

"You know Spike, I think I might have figured out how this thing died."

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't, but it gives us something to talk about so hey why not? Anyway, when I sampled his blood, I found that it was completely full of oxygen, I mean it was like a full-on oxygen party in his veins. Given that oxygen is the deadliest substance on the entire planet I think we can surmise that it's what killed him. The only question now is where the heck he was before Ponyville that had so much oxygen, maybe he was exploring the oxygen ca-"

Twilight was interrupted by a loud belch and a scroll hitting her square in the face. She glared at Spike and opened the scroll.

"Well great."

Author's Note

If you can't read that(don't worry cursive is obsolete) it says:

"Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Get the fuck over to my castle.

Bring the dead body.

-Celestia"