Celebrity Deathmatch: Equestria’s Unknown Pastime

Chapters

Call of the Celebrity
Unsuited For Success
Not So Sweet and Un-elite

Call of the Celebrity

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or Celebrity Deathmatch. Fuzzy Pickles! If you get the reference then you are 20% cooler than Rainbow Dash. Maybe… Or not…

Celebrity Deathmatch: Equestria’s Unknown Pastime
By GWFan (The Softcore Brony)

Chapter 1: Call of the Celebrity

“Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch, ponies. If you’re just sitting down, here’s what you missed. Famous choir singer, Cupid Wing, went up against rock legend, Chain Link. But Cupid’s chances went south right from the get go when Chain Link pulled out his guitar and ruptured her eardrums as well as the eardrums of the front five rows of the audience with his music. Then it only took a few simple slams from Chain’s guitar to crack the disoriented singer’s head open.”

“Fortunately, those deafened audience members don’t need to know sign language to enjoy the next fight, Johnny.”

“That’s right, Nick. The main event is about to start where we find famous comedian, Bust-up going up against one time bestselling drama author, Bookit.”

“I have to say, Johnny, I have no idea how these two ponies even know each other, but the audience has been psyched up since last week to see these two polar opposites duke it out right here in Celebrity Deathmatch.”

Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond, the commentator ponies of Celebrity Deathmatch, couldn’t have been more right. From way up in their commentating box, they could see the audience stamping their hooves and shouting at the top of their lungs, clearly divided between the hilarious Bust-up and the very serious Bookit. The two ponies in the ring glared at each other. The ring sat in the center of the many rows of bleachers that lined the secluded little building. For being such a secretive society, the audience was quite huge, numbering a little over two thousand. Bets were being placed all around over which of the two earth ponies would win, especially among the celebrities in the audience, some of whom had participated in Deathmatch before.

As tension and anticipation mounted along with the increasing volume of the audience, a single pony in a perfect white shirt and clean black bowtie, stepped into the center of the ring, his bald head shining for all to see. However, nopony would dare mock him for his baldness, for this pony was perhaps the most respected creature in the building. He was Millhouse Lane, the official referee for Deathmatch. He ushered Bookit and Bust-up to step forward before he spoke.

“All right you two, I want a good clean fight. Nopony is going to kill any other pony until I say, let’s get it on.” Looking at both fighters, Millhouse’s smug frown never wavered as he raised his voice with what the audience was waiting to here. “Now let’s get it on!” The bell rang and the two pony fighters braced themselves for combat.

“You may be top comedian, Bust-up, but I’m going to topple you like Justice Born did to the weapons trader in my novel,” Bookit taunted.

“Nopony even likes your book. They just pretend to because they like being bored.” The audience laughed at Bust-up’s mediocre joke, making Bookit grind his teeth in anger.

“That’s it! You’re gonna die, clown!”

“Ohhh. The fur is flying already and nopony has even started beating on each other yet, Johnny,” Nick commented.

“Maybe you spoke too soon, Nick. Bookit has jumped onto Bust-up and is mercilessly beating on him with his hooves.”

“I don’t think he has anything else to beat him with, Johnny. He’s a pony.”

Of course, being an obsessive author who focused more on his writing than his exercise, Bookit was rather unequipped to beat on the somewhat pudgy, Bust-up, who merely laughed at the thin pony’s attempts to hurt him, despite being punched in the face. With a mighty heave, Bust-up rolled over and squashed the poor author under his greater weight.

“And it looks like Bust-up has turned the tables on him,” Johnny shouted.

“Who’s laughing now?” Bust-up taunted from his seat above the smaller stallion. “Oh, that’s right. It’s always been me.” He laughed for good measure.

“Bust-up is really showing who’s top dog now, Johnny. I’d say Bookit is being crushed to death.”

It was true. The smaller pony could barely breathe under the weight of the pudgy comedian, whose laughs only served to make breathing even more uncomfortable. However, the laughing gave him a completely unrelated idea. “Let’s see how funny you think this is.” Pulling out his trusty quill, Bookit used it’s strangely sharpened end to poke the comedian in the rump, making the rotund pony jump off in pain.

“And Bookit makes a point that he’s not out yet,” Jonny announced. “That little quill seems to be as sharp as a cactus needle.”

“Oh, it’s sharper than that,” Bookit answered. As Bust-up bounced around holding his rear, Bookit jumped in front of him and jabbed his quill into the comedian’s eye. “Not so funny now, is it?” Bust-up flailed at his eye, desperately trying in vain to pull the quill out with his blunt, ungrabbing hoof, only serving to make his condition worse. Taking further advantage, Bookit pulled out another quill and jammed it into Bust-up’s other eye. The comedian wailed.

“And then our hero gave a mighty kick…,” Bookit announced as he turned around and did just as he claimed, skillfully bucking Bust-up’s eyes into the back of his skull, making him bleed from the inside out. “… and the villain fell, ensuring that the world was a much better place.” As he had dictated, the sudden loss of blood forced the comedian onto the ground. Blood continued to form a pool on the floor as Millhouse bent over him and checked for a pulse. His head bobbed slightly as he counted the heartbeats until he slowed and eventually stopped. He cut his hoof across his throat and stood up. The crowd went wild.

“And the winner is, Bookit!” Millhouse announced as the bell rang.

“I didn’t see that coming, Johnny! It seems Bookit’s dry writing is actually more exciting than I thought it would be.”

“I already have three copies ordered, Nick, although, it looks like our main event was a lot shorter than I was expecting it to be.”

“Not to mention a major upset. I had my money set on Bust-up myself. Looks like this month’s rent is going to be late again.”

“You really should get that gambling addiction fixed, Nick. In any case, this match ended with a real eye sore and I think we can all learn a lesson that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword.”

“And I was really hoping Bust-up would pull out his prop sword too.”

“Me too, Nick. Me too.” Johnny looked around the filled stadium, satisfied that the audience was in an uproar. Nights like these were always well worth it. “Well folks, we’re all out of time. This is Johnny Gomez saying, good fight, good night.”

And so it was a good night for many in the audience who had paid good money to see some of the most famous celebrities in Equestria end each others lives in a fight only a select few could ever dream of living through. However, the surprise victory of Bookit was also the beginning of another battle. Out in the concession stand area, many ponies were already leaving the grounds, some content with the results, others infuriated that their favorite comedian had somehow lost to a little known book author. Among those content and infuriated were two famous earth ponies, one laughing in the face of the other.

“It appears that I, Photo Finish, have won yet another bet. Cough it up, Sapphire.”

Sapphire Shores, the pony of pop herself, begrudgingly signaled to her bodyguard to present the famous fashion photographer with the 1,500 bits she owed her.

“That fight was rigged. There’s no way that puny Bookit could have bested Bust-up,” Sapphire argued.

“But he did, just as I, Photo Finish, predicted.” She rather ungraciously accepted the bits, making a show of commanding her lackeys to stuff it in a suitcase for her before dismissing them. “That’s three bets in a row. Face it, Sapphire, you may be able to sing, but you lack de ability to see true stardom.”

Sapphire smirked menacingly. “The only true star around here is me. These bets are small change that I simply give to you out of the Kindness Of My Heart,” she sang out the last line.

“Ha. You are just a sore loser.”

“Oh?” Sapphire made a signal. “Care to say that to my bodyguard?” A rather large pony in a black suit appeared out of nowhere and cracked his hooves together.

Photo Finish whipped her tail at him dismissively. “No, but I care to say it to your face!”

“Ladies, ladies,” another arrogant voice interrupted. “Come now. Can’t we all just get along?” The voice belonged to Hoity Toity, famous fashion critic extraordinaire. Even through his dark sunglasses, it was obvious he was looking down at them.

“You can’t see stars either you pompous old hack!” Photo Finish retorted. “You also owe me 1,500 bits for this match.”

“That reminds me,” Sapphire suddenly spoke up. “You still owe me last month’s bet for the victory of Ms. Dazzel, the ballerina.” Hoity ground his teeth, forgetting that he had been intending to avoid Sapphire for the remainder of the year.

“As if I carried that much on me with all these poorer ponies around,” Hoity said quickly, trying to regain some ground with the two mares. “I’ll have it the next time we meet.”

“Sure. Just like you promised to have de world’s greatest model show up at that disaster fashion show you hosted,” Photo Finish sneered. “It was a waste to even bring my camera.”

“And what about that horrid shot you took of me during my last tour?” Sapphire commented to Photo. “You made me look like a bedraggled rat from that angle.”

“That’s because you do look like one,” Hoity barked with a laugh.

“Yes. I, Photo Finish, never take bad photographs. It is not my fault if de ponies I shoot happen to look bad on their own. I think I made you look better personally.”

Sapphire steamed, the air around her crackling with pent up anger. “As if you ever had such real talent. I’m more famous than the both of you combined. The world of fashion is nothing without ponies like me to start the trends that you two follow around.”

“Follow around? I decide what is in and I know that none of those ‘in’ looks ever started with you,” Hoity countered.

“That’s because you’re eye for fashion is blinded by your own failure to dress stylishly yourself.” Both mares laughed at that.

Hoity Toity put up a fake smile, desperately trying to keep up his composure. “Well… before we descend into petty insults, I’d say the one thing the three of us can agree on is that we hate each other.”

“Agreed,” Photo answered.

“Aaaaaaab-so-lute-ly!” Sapphire sang out.

“Let’s say we settle our differences once and for all?” Hoity’s fake smile changed to a true smirk. “In the ring.”

Sapphire raised an eyebrow. “You mean in Deathmatch?”

“Precisely.”

“A little late for that,” Photo argued. “Exhibition matches are already over for this month.”

“I’m not talking about these silly exhibition matches. You know what happens next month don’t you?”

“The Celebrity Deathmatch Tournament,” Sapphire answered with a devilish grin.

“Next month? Already? Nope. Can’t be done.” Photo Finish held her hoof out and looked away. “I’m going to de Horsemalayas to search for my next big star next month.”

“Your next big star?” Hoity laughed. “Tell me Photo, how many bits do I owe you today?”

“1,500. Pay up.” She held her hoof out expectantly.

“And how many bits do I owe Ms. Shores?”

“35,000,” Sapphire answered. Photo Finished gaped at the amount.

“Why do you suppose that is?” Hoity feigned a methodical appearance. “I think I know the answer. You don’t have much money to throw around these days, do you?” Photo growled in annoyance. “I’m right aren’t I? Your career is going down the drain. You’re just trying to get out of this because you’re not going to be famous for much longer.”

“Did I just hear a challenge?” Tally Wong, official interviewer for Celebrity Deathmatch, ran up to the three bickering celebrities. “Sounds like the perfect grounds for a Deathmatch. I can get the papers for you if you really think you have what it takes. I would get a heck of a raise if I could get you three into the ring.”

“Don’t you know who I am? I’m Hoity Toity. I signed up for this tournament after the last one four years ago.”

“What a coincidence. I happen to be Signed Up as Well,” Sapphire Shores sang.

“It seems we were fated to fight even without this falling photographer to spur us on. She’s just not celebrity material anymore.”

Photo Finish growled again, this time like a dog with rabies. “I, Photo Finish, will prove you wrong. You want Deathmatch? Fine. I, Photo Finish, will give you Deathmatch!”

The paperwork was quite steep. Photo Finish had to sign several wavers and other documents before she could even sign the official entry form.

“There. That’s de last one. Anything else?” Photo said, arrogantly pointing her hoof at Hoity and Sapphire who had watched the whole thing.

“We just need you to sign your name one last time here and mark it with a small blood stain,” the secretary in front of her said, almost sounding bored. “Please remember that even though Deathmatch is not officially known or recognized by Canterlot rule, once you sign, you are legally bound by our underground committee to participate or else be forced into retirement and financial ruin.”

“Yes, yes, yes. You’ve told me that with every paper. Let me sign.” After Photo signed, the secretary gave her a knife. Photo Finish cut her hoof slightly and stamped it on the paper, making it official.

“Very good. The paperwork is all done. Welcome to Deathmatch, Ms. Finish.”

“Ha ha. Now we’ll see who has last laugh,” Photo mocked her fellow celebrities.

“Now if you would, Ms. Finish, who is your partner going to be?”

Photo Finish turned back to the secretary with a start. “Partner?”

“Yes, Ms. Finish. Do you care to submit the name of your tag partner?”

“Tag partner!? This is a tag team tournament!?”

“In every sense of the word, yes. Our sponsors thought it would spice things up this year so they could jack up the admission prices, as if they didn’t make enough money off of this already.”

“But… but I don’t have a tag partner.”

“That’s fine.”

“That’s fine? What do you mean that’s fine?”

“Rules state that only one of the two participants has to die in order for a victory to be determined. As such, participating one on two is perfectly acceptable if one wishes to do so.”

“What? One on two!? I can’t do that! I decline to participate!”

“You already signed the papers, Ms. Finish and you know the rules. If you drop out now, you’ll be financially crushed and forcefully retired from your job.” She pointed to a glass window behind which sat six large griffins in dark clothing and shades, most of whom were calmly reading newspapers or comic books. One of them busily sharpened a knife. “Them’s the breaks I’m afraid.”

Photo gaped at the griffins for a moment before turning an evil glare to Hoity and Sapphire, though her glare was hidden behind her sunglasses. “You knew about this! You set me up!”

“Us? Whatever do you mean? I thought you knew,” Hoity said mockingly.

“Our rivalry is a bitter one, Photo. Having one less annoyance in the world is quite a comfort,” Sapphire said with a smile. “If it makes you feel any better though, this jerk and I aren’t on the same team. Only one of the three of us is going to come out of this victoriously… and maybe alive.”

“Fine. Then I’ll get a partner before de tournament starts,” Photo barked.

“Forgive me for asking, but… who?” Hoity asked haughtily. “I know you pretty well and I know you have a lot of enemies in the industry.”

“My lackey back there. He’ll do whatever I tell him.” At his mention, the so-called lackey gulped and started to look around for an exit.

“I think you’re forgetting that this is Celebrity Deathmatch. That guy doesn’t even have a name. There’s no way he qualifies,” Hoity interjected.

Photo Finish swallowed. “I… I could ask… my model…,”

“Your model?” Sapphire laughed. “You mean that Windy what’s her name? The failure? Hardly anypony even knows her. She’s not enough of a celebrity to enter.”

“Well… um… I mean…,”

“Face it Photo Finish, you’ve made too many enemies. You’re finished.” Hoity Toity laughed and Sapphire even had the gall to join him. “I told you your career was going down the toilet. You haven’t had a successful spotlight since that other model you discovered.”

“Other model?” A light bulb suddenly clicked in Photo Finish’s head. “Wait a minute, don’t former celebrities count?” she asked the secretary.

“Well… yeah. If they’re famous enough.”

Photo smiled. “Then I, Photo Finish, have a tag partner.” Hoity Toity and Sapphire Shores both raised an eyebrow, wondering just who Photo Finish had in mind.

Fluttershy yelped and ducked under Twilight’s table. She covered her eyes and shivered, waiting for the scary monster to leave.

“Uh… Fluttershy?” her friend Rainbow Dash said. “It was just a party popper.” Behind her, their other friend Pinkie Pie popped another, making the same noise that had scared Fluttershy the first time.

“Oh… um… I knew that.” Fluttershy smiled. “I was just… looking for some cake.”

“Under the table?” Twilight Sparkle asked her. “Last I checked, Spike has never hidden any of his snacks under the table.” Fluttershy crawled out from under the table and sighed. Twilight put a hoof around her. “It’s okay Fluttershy. We all understand. Don’t we girls?”

“Of course we do,” Rarity told her. “You’re our friend. We wouldn’t fault you for being afraid of loud noises.”

“It wasn’t that loud,” Rainbow said, granting her an elbow from Rarity.

“Rainbow is right,” Fluttershy admitted. “I’m nothing but a scaredy pony.”

“It don’t matter to us, Sugar Cube. We like you just the way you are,” Applejack told her after taking a bite of some party cake.

“Besides, you wouldn’t be the spirit of kindness if you were anypony else,” Twilight pointed out.

Though it was only mildly comforting, Fluttershy smiled, glad that she had such good friends.

“Come on! Let’s turn that frown upside-down and keep the party going! You don’t win the best librarian in Ponyville award, every day!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, shoving a piece of cake in Twilight’s mouth.

“Somehow I get the feeling that Twilight will win it again next year too,” Rainbow said getting a laugh out of everypony, save for Twilight and Fluttershy. The timid pegasus was busy giving Twilight the Heimlich as she choked on the cake.

Suddenly, the door burst open, scaring Fluttershy into squeezing extra hard. Twilight coughed up the cake on the ground as a familiar light cyan earth pony in a black and white striped dress appeared in the room. “I, Photo Finish… have awwived.”

“Photo Finish!?” Fluttershy exclaimed, surprisingly loud.

“Fluttershy, there you are.” Photo approached her, signaling for her lackeys. The lackeys presented a suitcase and then promptly left at Photo’s dismissal. “Are you still in good physical condition?”

“Um… I guess,” Fluttershy replied timidly.

“Are you still as graceful as ever?”

“Um… maybe… if you think so…,”

Photo Finish opened the suitcase and thrust a series of papers and a quill at the bewildered light amber pegasus. “Here. Sign these now.”

“Okay…,” Fluttershy squeaked, reaching for the quill.

“Wait! Wait a minute! Don’t sign anything, Fluttershy,” Rarity interjected. “Photo Finish, how dare you try to force poor Fluttershy into being a model again. And in such a disgraceful manor.” Then she smiled sweetly. “Of course, if you perchance want to do a photo shoot with some of my designs then we might be able to accommodate you.”

“I am not here to see your crappy designs or make Fluttershy a model. I am here because Fluttershy was a model.”

At Photo’s sudden beckoning, her lackeys appeared and turned a spotlight over her. “Do not forget that I, Photo Finish, made you, Fluttershy, a household name. You were de greatest and most graceful model Equestria has ever seen.” The lackeys turned another spotlight on Fluttershy who squinted in the bright light. “And now I, Photo Finish, come to you once again.” She made a signal and the lackeys turned out the spotlights and disappeared. “I want you to help me win Celebrity Deathmatch.”

“Celebrity… Death… match?” Fluttershy whispered.

“What the heck is that? It sounds like a serious competition. Can I enter?” Rainbow asked.

“No!” Photo answered curtly. “Only celebrities may participate.”

“So… what’s the problem?” Rainbow asked, striking a pose. Everypony groaned.

“But, I’m not a celebrity,” Fluttershy argued.

“But you were. You still have dedicated fans. Have you never heard of de Flutterchans?” Fluttershy’s blank stare was answer enough. “That’s your fan club. It is still going strong. It is proof that you are still a celebrity. Now sign de papers.”

“I have a fan club,” Rainbow muttered.

“Hold on!” Twilight interrupted. “I’ve never even heard of this Celebrity Deathmatch before. And whatever it is, the name alone sounds really dangerous. Fluttershy’s not going to agree to anything until you tell us what it is.”

And thus over the course of five quick minutes, Photo Finish explained all the wonders and grizzly deaths of the secret world of celebrities much to the growing shock of the six mares in front of her.

After Photo Finish finished her explanation, Twilight blinked as she tried to absorb what she had just heard. “Let me get this straight, you’re saying that there is a competition where celebrities get together so they can beat each other to a bloody pulp, ultimately in the hopes of killing each other in the most brutal way possible, and all for sake of entertainment?”

“Yes.”

“And this is legal?”

“Legal? Of course it’s not legal. That’s why it’s called underground tournament.”

“And ya’ll want Fluttershy to participate in this thing?” Applejack said angrily. “You’re crazier than a goose protectin’ her chicks.”

“Goslings,” Twilight corrected.

“Whatever. The point is, I ain’t gonna let Fluttershy join in this craziness of yours.”

“She must!” Photo protested. “It is not just for Deathmatch, it is for me.”

“Excuse me?”

One of Photo Finish’s lackeys suddenly appeared again and started to play a sad song on a violin. “I have already been tricked into participating in de tournament. De paperwork is final. I cannot back out now or else I, Photo Finish, will be crushed and ruined. I’ll lose everything.”

“You should have thought of that before you signed up,” Applejack said rather rudely.

The violin stopped. “Did I not just get done saying that I, Photo Finish, was tricked?”

“That sounds like an awfully difficult thing to be tricked into,” Rarity said.

Photo scowled and harrumphed. “Believe what you will, but it happened and there is nothing I can do about it.”

“And what do you expect Fluttershy to do? This tournament of yours sounds dangerous and quite frankly, dreadful.”

“That’s because it is. It’s de deadliest and most popular sport in de underworld.”

“In the underworld? You mean like criminal activity?” Applejack asked.

“We wouldn’t use that word specifically but I suppose if you want to call it that.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Look, however you want to call it, the bottom line is we can’t approve of this. I mean maybe I could if it was Equestrian Gladiators, but-”

“Bah!” Photo objected, turning her nose up. “A padded sport like that is for pansies.”

“I’m a pansy. I’ll do that instead,” Fluttershy spoke up.

“I don’t know. I think even Equestrian Gladiators would be too much for Fluttershy,” Dash said, rubbing her chin.

“Oh… well in that case maybe I shouldn’t.”

“That’s because you should fight with me in Deathmatch.”

“Now see here, Photo Finish, there is no way we are going to let some villain like you steal our Fluttershy away into this dark demented world of yours,” Rarity said.

“Why does everypony consider me, Photo Finish, to be a villain? All I did was force Fluttershy to be a model against her will, took thousands of compromising pictures of her, and controlled every moment of her life. Is that really so evil?”

“Yes!” everypony shouted.

“Fine. Then I am sorry. Now accept my apology and become my partner, Fluttershy!” Everypony groaned.

“Okay everypony, new plan,” Pinkie announced. “We’re moving the party to Sugarcube Corner. Come on, this way, move along, move along.” She ushered them all out the door but stopped Photo Finish when she tried to follow. “Not you missy. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but you are not invited to the party.” Pinkie glared at her for about two seconds and burst into tears. “Oh, that feels so wrong to say! My life as a party planner is over!”

Applejack came back in and put her hoof around her. “Its okay, Pinkie. You’ll be fine.” Then she glared at Photo Finish. “You stay away from Fluttershy, or so help me Celestia, I’ll hogtie you and send you out to work with my crazy cousin, Apple Sauce.”

“But… but you don’t understand-”

“I understand enough. Don’t bother Fluttershy with your nonsense.”

“But I-” Slam! Applejack shut the door behind her and kicked dust over it.

“Good riddance.”

“Wait a minute,” Twilight said in sudden realization. “This is my library. Why am I leaving? I should be kicking her out, not locking her in.”

“Let’s just leave before she tries to follow us, Twilight,” Rarity said.

“She already knows where were going. In any case, what were we going to do? Hide from her until she leaves Ponyville? I’m going to go back in there and talk to her.”

“But Twilight, you don’t have to do that,” Fluttershy protested.

“Its okay, Fluttershy. Lecturing is my specialty. Besides, Pinkie’s not feeling like herself right now so let’s have the party some other time.” Pinkie was sitting on the ground like an abandoned puppy in the rain, still mulling over her remark to Photo Finish.

“Wouldn’t it be easier just to kick her out of town or somthin’? She is harassin’ Fluttershy after all,” Applejack asked.

“No need to bother. You know me. I’ll have everything under control before you can say, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.”

Her friends stared.

“Before you can say what?” Rainbow finally asked.

“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis. It’s the longest word in a major English dictionary.”

“So… this is going to take a really long time then or…?”

Twilight groaned. “Never mind. Everypony just go home and I’ll take care of this.” Opening the door with her magic, Twilight grabbed Photo Finish and pushed her into a chair. The last thing her friends saw was the door closing.

Twilight walked through town quickly, trying to keep up with Photo Finish. After almost two hours of debate, Photo still wasn’t seeing Twilight’s point, nor did she care to even listen, which frustrated Twilight even more. Unfortunately, the photography mogul already knew where Fluttershy lived and was on her way there. Meanwhile, Twilight had partially given up on lecturing her and was instead trying to get answers.

“Look, I’m just having trouble wrapping my head around this whole Deathmatch idea. What is it you really do there?”

“What do you mean, what do I really do? Celebrities fight and try to kill each other and other ponies bet who wins.”

“Yeah, but what do they really do?”

“I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”

“Come on, Photo Finish, you can’t really expect me to believe that you can let a bunch of celebrities die and nopony in Canterlot, particularly Princess Celestia, isn’t going to know about it. So come on, what do you really do there?”

“I keep telling you what we do. What is there not to believe?”

Twilight laughed meagerly. “I don’t think your getting what I’m saying at all. It’s just not plausible. It’s not possible either. There’s no way the Princess couldn’t know about it. How do you cover it up?”

“How am I supposed to know? I don’t run it.”

“Right…” Twilight sighed. Well, those were answers she was just going to have to figure out later. “So listen, about Fluttershy-”

“There is nopony else. Fluttershy is de only pony who can help me.”

“That can’t be true. Besides, even if you really did fight in this Celebrity Deathmatch thing, Fluttershy would be a terrible partner. She’s not very strong, she’s not a good flier, she’s afraid of heights, plus, she wouldn’t hurt a fly. Okay, so maybe one time I saw her feeding fish to some weasels, which means she had to have caught and killed those fish to do that, and she also feeds worms to birds, which means she consciously kills worms, but other than that, Fluttershy would never lift a hoof to harm another living creature. And even if she did, she’s just not strong enough to do any real damage or…”

Twilight was interrupted by a loud roar. As she and Photo Finish rounded the path to Fluttershy’s cottage, they saw the yellow pegasus standing outside.

“Is that a bear?” Photo asked, alarmed.

“Yes…”

The bear roared but Fluttershy stared right down its throat. Ducking underneath it with amazing agility and speed, she kicked the bear down from behind and started wrestling with it. Photo gaped as the bear started to pound the ground for mercy. Fluttershy pulled the bear up and twisted its neck, sending the bear to the ground, limp.

Photo smiled. “She’s perfect.”

Twilight facehoofed. “Why does she only do that when I want to help her with a problem?”

As the two ponies neared the awful scene, Fluttershy was smiling and gently rubbing the bear’s shoulders. “So much tension again. You need to come see me more often.”

“Fluttershy, that was amazing!” Photo shouted. Fluttershy stopped rubbing the bear’s shoulders and stared at the fashion mogul. “This seals it. You are de only one who can be my partner!”

“No she can’t. She’s harmless and totally defenseless in a fight. You would lose for sure!” Twilight argued again.

“After what she did to that bear, I can’t imagine any partner better than Fluttershy.”

“Can I say something?” Fluttershy asked but Twilight talked right over her.

“Fluttershy would be the worst partner ever. She has the heart of a coward and the strength of a butterfly. She even lost a tug-of-war match to one once.”

“I got better,” Fluttershy remarked. “I can best twelve butterflies easy now.”

“With moves like that, not even Princess Celestia herself could take her down,” Photo continued, not listening to a word Twilight or Fluttershy said.

“Yes, but… but…” Twilight groaned. “Okay… plan B.” Her horn ignited in magic and Photo Finish disappeared in a bright flash.

“Twilight, what did you do!?” Fluttershy asked in concern.

“I just sent her outside of town somewhere… I think. Anyway, you should try to keep away from her for a while.”

“But I can’t hide until next month. What about the critters?”

“Don’t worry. I’m going to go find her and see if I can get her on the next train back to Canterlot. I’m sure all your animal friends can survive until tomorrow.

Fluttershy looked at the bear she was standing on and whimpered. The bear smiled and nodded at her. “Well, if you say so, Twilight. What should I do now?”

“Just go home and get some sleep. I won’t rest until Photo Finish is out of town.” With her promise made, Twilight set out to find the photography mogul and make her listen to reason. She was already composing her next lecture, which would work for sure this time.

Fluttershy yawned and stretched as she got out of bed. She had had a very cheerful dream about taking care of a family of puppies that needed her, and had woken with feelings of sunshine and joy in her soul. Opening the curtains, she saw that it was a beautiful day. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the sun’s rays glowed and invigorated her. Heading downstairs, she tiptoed past Angel who was still asleep in his basket. It was time to wake up all her animal friends so they could enjoy the day, but Angel was special and she intended to wake him up with a fresh carrot from the garden outside. Afterwards, she would spend most the rest of the morning gently waking the others, wishing them all a good morning. Before heading outside, Fluttershy opened the window to take in the fresh morning air.

“Fluttershy, become my partner for Deathmatch!”

And Fluttershy closed the window and lowered the blinds. It was one of those mornings where it was probably best to let all her animal friends sleep in for an hour. Or two. Or three.

A loud knocking at the door made Fluttershy cringe. “I know you’re in in there! I can hear you breathing!” Fluttershy held her breath and covered her ears as the knocking intensified. Apparently, Twilight had failed to convince Photo Finish to leave her alone. Either that or Twilight hadn’t been able to find her and Photo found her way back to town unchallenged. Fluttershy didn’t want to have anything to do with the scary competition and that was that, but Photo just wasn’t taking the hint. Maybe if she waited long enough, the fashion photographer would just go away. The knocking turned to pounding. If this kept up, Photo was going to wake up all of Fluttershy’s animal friends in a very unpleasant way.

Suddenly remembering that she was still holding her breath, Fluttershy breathed again and made up her mind. She was just going to have to tell her, no. Maybe even with force this time. It certainly was making her feel rather angry. She was just beginning to feel the slightest bit irritated, similarly to how she felt when Rainbow Dash tried to make her watch all those scary dragons flying so close to Ponyville. With her mind made up and taking a deep breath, Fluttershy bravely unlocked the latch to her door and opened it.

Perhaps it was unfortunate that the door opened inwards or that Photo Finish was still pounding on it, because when Fluttershy opened it, Photo’s hoof flew in and pounded her in the head. Fluttershy only remembered hearing Photo saying something about the tournament before the world went black.

Fluttershy startled awake when a flood of cold water turned on her. She started trying to swim, but realized that she was flat on her back and she was actually on solid ground.

“You awake?” Photo asked, turning off the hose. “Good. Now listen to my proposal.”

Fluttershy shivered in the cold as she stared at the other mare. Her mane was dripping wet and her coat was going to need conditioning if she didn’t dry off soon. “Photo Finish, please… I don’t want to-”

“Just listen. I, Photo Finish, have a plan. We are going to win this tournament.”

“That’s a plan?”

“No, no, pay attention. This tournament is a tag team, so you and I will have to fight separately and switch at opportune moments. I’ve seen free for alls in Deathmatch before and I can tell you that the best time to switch is while one of us is holding our opponent down. When we do that, de other can tag in and deliver a finishing blow.”

“You mean like… give them cake?”

“No…”

“A hug?”

“No!”

“Oh! Give them a new kitty!?” Fluttershy smiled lovingly, thinking of some of the critters in the backyard.

Photo Finish facehoofed. “The object is to kill your opponent, not care for them!”

Fluttershy’s smile faded to pure shock and then to horror. “Kill?”

“Yes.”

“But ponies die when they’re killed,” Fluttershy whined.

Photo Finish raised an eyebrow. “And? What is your point?”

“That is my point. I was hoping you didn’t understand that.” If a pony could see Photo Finish’s eyes behind her shades, then perhaps she would be rolling them.

“We are celebrities. Don’t you know Celebrities can get away with murder? That football player did it.”

“But I never wanted to be a celebrity. I just want to be Fluttershy.”

“And you are. Fluttershy the ex-model. Just imagine the cheers of de fans when you come out of retirement to fight in de greatest tournament in all of Equestria. Just imagine… what is this?”

Fluttershy turned to her right. Standing next to her, tapping his foot impatiently, was her pet bunny, Angel. He didn’t look very happy.

“I’m sorry, Angel, did we wake you?” Angel held up his paw, signaling her to be silent. Strolling up to Photo Finish without any fear, he looked her in the shades and kicked her hoof. “Angel, no! That’s not very nice.”

Angel pointed at Photo and held out his other paw as if to say, “And what is she doing to you? Hello?”

“Forget de stupid rabbit.” Photo Finish swatted Angel away, knocking him into the bushes. “I’m asking you to be my partner. Are you going to do it or not?”

Photo tried to be demanding, but she was surprised when Fluttershy suddenly glared at her. “How dare you hurt, Angel! He was just trying to defend me!” Photo actually took a step back. Fluttershy was giving her the most powerful thing on the face of the planet. The Stare. “Listen, Photo Finish, I let you push me around before, but I’m not going to stand for it anymore. You can take your proposal and leave.” She pointed down the path to emphasize.

“Does this mean you don’t want to fight with me?”

“My friends keep telling me I need to be more assertive, so I’m going to be more assertive. No!”

Photo appeared momentarily shocked. Nopony had ever spoken to her like that. Whether she was just that brave or whether her sunglasses gave her +50 resistance, nopony could say, but Photo stared right back into Fluttershy’s Stare. “Fine. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me with no choice.” Fluttershy tried to keep up her Stare but paused when Photo took a deep breath and fell on the ground at her hooves. “Please! You’re de only pony I can turn too! I’m trapped in de tournament and nopony cares!”

Though the sudden outburst had softened her, Fluttershy was determined to keep up her resolve. “I… I’m sorry Photo Finish, but I just can’t. Maybe you can get one of your friends to help you.”

“I’m a celebrity, I don’t have any real friends! Besides, most of them are already in de tournament anyway, but de point is, I have no one else to ask.”

“You… don’t have any friends? Not any?”

“You’re my only hope, Fluttershy. I know that I, Photo Finish, didn’t treat you well, or considered your feelings, or made you feel comfortable when I forced you into a life you didn’t want, but I have changed. You might be de only friend I have in all of Equestria.”

“Really?”

“Really!”

That couldn’t be right. Everypony had friends. Everypony had to have friends. Nevertheless, Photo’s tears seemed to be legitimate, at least to the fragile, easily moved heart of the kind pegasus. Celebrity Deathmatch sounded like a horrible and all around bad event, but Fluttershy’s heart couldn’t let Photo face her trial. Not alone at least.

Wiping away a tear of her own, Fluttershy nodded her head. “Okay, Photo. I’ll… I’ll compete with you.”

“You will?!” Photo’s smile couldn’t be contained by the largest of barrels and her tears evaporated as if they were never there to begin with. She signaled to her lackeys who immediately jumped out of the bushes and presented Fluttershy with a stack of papers. “Just sign these and provide a blood sample and everything will be official.”

“Blood sample?”

“Yes. You must cut yourself and provide a blood sample.” One of the lackeys silently produced a very sharp looking knife. Fluttershy stared at it and fainted.

Unsuited For Success

Chapter 2: Unsuited For Success

“You did what?!” Fluttershy’s friends shouted at her.

“I signed the papers. I’m going to be in Celebrity Deathmatch,” Fluttershy answered quietly.

“But, but, but, but, but, why?” Twilight demanded. “I thought you didn’t want to fight.” Fluttershy just looked embarrassed and defeated, which made Twilight sigh. “Darn it all, if only I had found Photo Finish last night.”

“Stressing over that now isn’t going to help anything,” Rarity said surprisingly calmly. “Obviously, she just needs to back out of this ridiculous tournament and be done with it.”

“But, Photo said I can’t do that or else I’ll be financially crushed and forcefully retired from my job,” Fluttershy protested.

“You’re already retired from your modeling career, Fluttershy. And it’s not like you have a lot of funds on hoof anyway.”

“But I already promised Photo that I would help her.”

“So? She’s not your friend,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“But I promised.”

“So break this one promise. She’s asking you to do something crazy anyway… even if it does sound kind of cool.” Her remark granted her a sour look from the others.

“I don’t know. What if they force me to stop caring for animals? And if they take all my money, I won’t be able to feed them for at least two weeks. I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Who are they, anyway? Anypony I know?” Pinkie asked.

“Photo said something about griffins.”

“Pshaw. Griffins? I can handle griffins. You forget I grew up around at least one.” Rainbow Dash punched at the air. “I’ll give them a fight. Ha! Hoo! And Sonic Rainboom right to the jaw.”

Twilight smiled slyly and shook her head. “There’s no need for that. You’re thinking about this too hard. Whoever runs Celebrity Deathmatch can’t be that powerful. All we have to do is tell Princess Celestia and- Ouch! Hey!” Twilight looked around and saw a small rock that someone had thrown at the back of her head. Attached to it was a note. Picking it up with her magic, Twilight read it aloud. “You are all in the circle now. You do not speak about Celebrity Deathmatch to anypony related to Canterlot Castle. Period. Or else.” Twilight glanced around at the bushes but didn’t see anypony. “Or else what? Ow!” Another rock hit her from another direction.

This time, Applejack picked it up and read it. “Remember we are always watchin’ you. And if we’re not watchin’ you, we’re watchin’ someone close to you.” Everypony looked around, but they still didn’t see any sign of another pony or griffin or whatever was throwing rocks at them. “You wouldn’t dare hurt somepony I know!” Applejack shouted at the bushes. Another rock knocked her hat off her head. The note attached wasn’t rolled up and simply read, ‘Oh yes we would.’

Applejack put her hat back on and cleared her throat. “Girls, this is gettin’ kinda creepy.”

“Kind of creepy? I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep well for the rest of my life knowing somepony is watching me,” Rarity remarked trying to find the source of the rocks. “This is a clear invasion of privacy!” The bushes didn’t respond.

“So now what? Is Fluttershy really stuck doin’ this?” Applejack asked.

“Sonic Rainboom to the jaw?” Dash suggested.

“If you can find them. Still…” Twilight took one last look around. “I don’t like the idea of these guys messing with ponies we know. I guess we don’t have any choice but to let Fluttershy enter. For now.”

“You’ve got that look in your eye, Twilight,” Pinkie exclaimed emphasizing her claim by widening her own eye. “You’ve got a plan.”

“The competition doesn’t start for another month, so that gives us plenty of time to gather some more information about it and, if nothing else, maybe find a loophole in the contract. Besides, I still don’t buy the idea that they can get away with killing a bunch of ponies without Celestia finding out about it. There has to be some other meaning behind all this.”

“Like what?” Applejack asked.

“I don’t know yet, but I will find out or my name’s not Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, is it Gusty then?” Pinkie suggested.

Twilight glared at her for a moment and walked away. “I’m going to go see what research I can dig up on Celebrity Deathmatch. I’ll see you guys later.”

“How about Ribbon? Buttons? I know, its Galaxy isn’t it!?”

“Anyway,” Rarity interrupted. “What are we going to do about Fluttershy? No offense, darling, but I know you’re not really a fighter. What we’re you planning on doing when the tournament started?”

“Um… give up?”

“Well… if it means you don’t have to kill anypony, then it makes sense to me.” Applejack shrugged. “Do you think they would let her get away with that?”

“If not, then Fluttershy is going to have to do some serious training,” Rainbow said, hugging Fluttershy close.

“Do I have to?” Fluttershy moaned.

“I don’t know if they really kill each other or not but if this involves duking it out with your hooves then you’re definitely going to need a few pointers from yours truly.”

“No offense, RD, but are you sure you’re the right pony for the job?” Applejack asked.

“Of course. You’re looking at the pegasus who was suspended from high school three times for fighting. And that was just freshmen year.”

Applejack gave her a blank expression. “Sheesh. And I was embarrassed about the one time I got in trouble for fightin’ in school.”

“Yeah, whatever. Come on Fluttershy. We’ve got some hardcore training to do.”

“I sense a training montage coming on!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“No, really, I was hoping I could just give up and…” Fluttershy squealed as Dash carried her away.

After they had flown off, with Fluttershy struggling the whole way, Applejack turned to Rarity and Pinkie Pie. “I don’t like this. Somehow this feels a lot more serious than when we took on Night Mare Moon or Discord.”

Rarity nodded in agreement. “I know what you mean. In this case, we can’t just throw the Elements of Harmony at the problem. I don’t know how they keep it hidden, but whoever runs Celebrity Deathmatch may just be the greatest challenge we’ve faced yet. And that’s mostly because I don’t know if there is anything we can even do to help Fluttershy. She could be on her own in this.”

“No way!” Pinkie objected. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way and there’s always something friends can do to help friends.” Though she sounded just as eccentric as she always did, Applejack and Rarity smiled.

“You’re right. It may not be easy, but I’m sure we can do something.”

“I think I know one thing,” Applejack put in. “Let’s see about gettin’ in to this Celebrity Deathmatch ourselves.”

“Applejack, are you off your apple? We can’t fight. I’m not even sure we qualify,” Rarity protested.

“No, not as fighters. Photo Finish said it was a big spectacle of sorts, right? So maybe we can at least get ourselves into the audience.”

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Ohhhh. That would be a start. All right then, I’ll look into my connections and see what I can do. We will be at that tournament or my name is not Rarity.”

“Oh, is it Fizzy then?” Pinkie blurted.

A single month can go by very quickly, and truly, it felt like a short time before Fluttershy found herself on a small but fast yacht, crossing the Equestrian sea to the appointed location of Celebrity Deathmatch. Fluttershy nervously looked out the window and watched the water roll by. She also watched Photo Finish who was sitting out on the deck trying to get a tan despite the fact that she was still wearing her usual black and white, striped dress. The photography mogul didn’t seem concerned at all that the two of them were about to compete in a contest where the object was to kill your opponent. Fluttershy sighed and tried to concentrate on Angel. He had managed to sneak onboard somehow and seemed genuinely afraid for her, even going as far as to rub her back while she sat there. She smiled at him and gave him a carrot from the buffet table. At least she wasn’t going to be alone. All of her friends were on the boat with her, though some of them seemed even more depressed than she felt.

“Come now, Twilight, don’t sit there like a bump on a log. Celebrity Deathmatch is its own little secret society. It shouldn’t be a surprise that you weren’t able to find any kind of documentation.” Rarity tried to comfort the other unicorn, but Twilight harrumphed and crossed her hooves.

“A month of research, a whole month, and I couldn’t find even one word that sounded like it could be code for Celebrity Deathmatch. The only things I was able to uncover were two smuggling rings, three illegal arms dealers, an underground cockfighting group in Canterlot, and a yoyo.”

“A yoyo?”

“Somepony stole a kid’s yoyo about twenty years ago. I found records of a yoyo being sold in one of the smuggling rings so I figured I might as well return it after I found it in a safety deposit box.”

“Sounds… fascinating. I had no idea so much crime went on in Equestria. I was wondering where you had disappeared to,” Rarity remarked, wondering how Twilight considered all that to be a failure of her time.

“At least you didn’t waste your time,” Rainbow said harshly. “I spent all month training Fluttershy and we only managed to raise her wing power from 2.3 to 2.5. I’ve completely failed as a coach.”

“That’s because we skipped the montage. You can’t have epic growth without a proper montage,” Pinkie pointed out. Rainbow turned away from her and decided to glare out the window at Photo Finish. If the famous photographer saw her, she made no indication of it, which infuriated Rainbow Dash even more.

“Come on ya’ll, there’s no use sulkin’. I think we should just feel fortunate that Rarity managed to get us all tickets so we could be there for Fluttershy.” Applejack put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder but she was in no mood and shrugged it off.

“That just means she had better luck than I did finding out anything about the tournament.”

“And you have no idea how difficult that actually was. It took me forever before I found somepony who would even speak to me about it and then…” Rarity shivered. “You do not want to know what I had to do to get these tickets. I shudder to even remember it, it was soooo horrible.” She threw her foreleg over her forehead in emphasis.

“I can only hope the image you planted in my head just now didn’t actually happen,” Applejack said, feeling a little disturbed.

Rarity put her hoof down and scowled. “I assure you, whatever naughty thing your mind has come up with is not what occurred at all. I would never stoop that low. The nerve.”

“How do you know that’s what I was thinkin’?”

“Ah! Fine… If you must know, I had to… baby-sit…” Rarity shivered again.

“Yeah, that’s horrible all right.” Applejack rolled her eyes. Looking out the window, she realized they were slowing down. “Hey, look ya’ll. I think we’re here.” She opened the door and stepped outside. Sure enough, a sandy beach and an enormous dock lay just a short ways in front of them. Several ponies on the dock were scrambling to tie the yacht down and pull a gangplank for the guests to come ashore. Applejack focused her attention back on Twilight who still hadn’t moved. “Look at the bright side, Twi, maybe we’ll find out something useful now that we’re here.”

Though Twilight still looked bitter, she quickly brightened and stood up in a courageous pose. “You’re right. If there is any way we are going to investigate this phony competition, it’s at the event itself… Where are we anyway?”

The boat had docked at a rather large harbor at the edge of a tropical island. Ponies of all sorts were departing similar boats and yachts. There were even a number of other creatures like griffins, mules, and a few zebras walking across the beach. The sand itself seemed untouched as if no hooves had tread on it for years. Twilight realized that that could be all part of the setup though. Maybe it was only supposed to look like nopony had been there before.

“Finally!” Photo Finish exclaimed as she walked down the gangplank. “I, Photo Finish, haven’t felt this excited since I was a little filly. I can’t wait for de competition to begin.”

Applejack smirked. “You’d think we were at Six Flags of Harmony theme park or somethin’.”

“Wow, look at this place! Beach party!” Pinkie called and produced a beach ball from somewhere. As if they had been waiting for her, three other ponies immediately erected a volleyball net and, together with Pinkie, started to toss the beach ball around.

“I patently await the day that science can explain the phenomenon known as Pinkie Pie,” Twilight huffed.

“I don’t know about science, but nature is something I can certainly put my hooves on. I love the location and décor.” Rarity glanced admiringly at the gorgeous view of the ocean. “I’ve always dreamed of vacationing on an island like this. If I had known, I would have brought a few more exotic things to wear and some suntan lotion.”

“We’re not here on leisure time, Rarity. There’s something fishy about this whole setup and I aim to find out what it is.”

“Fishy or not, Photo Finish wasn’t lying when she spoke of the guest list. Look over there.” Rarity pointed at a rather handsome stallion exiting a yacht with two tall unicorn mares at either side. “I think that’s Lionheart Proudmane.”

“Who?”

“Oh, Twilight, surely you’ve heard of him? He’s one of the most famous actors and directors in all of Canterlot.”

“Forgive me if I never had time away from my studies to go watch a lot of movies.”

“Twilight, you really need to get out more. I can’t believe you know so little about the Canterlot high society when you lived there most of your life.”

“Yeah, well-”

“Photo Finish, Fluttershy, and company?” somepony in a bowtie suddenly asked.

“Yes?” Photo asked in a much sweeter voice than the others had heard from her before.

“You’re rooms have been prepared for you ma’am. Please follow me right this… um… where is Ms. Fluttershy?”

“I’m here!” Fluttershy suddenly cried. “It’s so wobbly. I don’t think I can make it.” She was clinging to the top of the gangplank that was indeed wobbling, a little, in the light breeze.

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Fluttershy, you can fly and you’re only four feet off the ground. Get a grip.”

“I do have one!”

Shaking her head, Rainbow flew over to her and pried her off the gangplank. Though she struggled a bit, Rainbow Dash deposited her safely on the sand.

“We haven’t even been here five minutes and already I feel exhausted.” Twilight stared at the ocean. The competition didn’t start until the following morning, so there was plenty of time to get situated in their hotel room, or wherever it was they would be sleeping, before starting her investigation. “Pinkie! Are you… coming…?” Pinkie Pie was marching down the beach followed by some twenty ponies and a mule who had all joined her in a conga line. “You know what, never mind. I’m sure she’ll catch up with us later.”

“If you’re all ready, then please follow me right this way. Your luggage will be delivered to your rooms for you,” the pony who had greeted them, said. However, instead of leading them anywhere, he instead fixed his bowtie and approached Fluttershy. “Excuse me, Ms. Fluttershy?”

“Um… yes?”

“I uh… I just wanted to say that I’m one of your biggest fans. I’m not ashamed to call myself a Flutterchan.” Instead of answering, Fluttershy stared at him, slowly turning a shade of red. “Say, I don’t suppose maybe you could give me you’re autograph? The other Flutterchans would be so jealous.” He produced a pen and paper but Fluttershy only looked at it. “Please?”

“Um…” Fluttershy stammered, looking around for help.

“If it’s an autograph you’re looking for, you can always have mine,” Rainbow Dash insisted.

“Really? Who are you?”

“Oh, just a pegasus you might have heard of named, Rainbow Dash.” She struck a pose in midair.

The pony in the bowtie blinked. “I’ve never heard of you. Please, Ms. Fluttershy, I could die happy if I just got your autograph.” Fluttershy reluctantly took the pen as Rainbow Dash gaped in shock. “Thank you so much, Ms. Fluttershy. I’ll be the talk of the club for years.” Holding the autograph lovingly to his chest, the young stallion skipped down the beach as he led them to their rooms.

“Come on, Rainbow Dash. We can stroke our egos some other time,” Twilight said as Rainbow grumpily followed along in the air.

“I still don’t get it, Twilight. How are we not celebrities? I mean, we saved all of Equestria twice. Three times if you count that dragon.”

“Rainbow, you sound like you want to be in the tournament.”

“No. That’s not it. I’m just wondering why we’re not celebrities. Hey, what about when we saved Canterlot from the changelings?”

Twilight groaned. “We’re not celebrities because we didn’t go around telling everypony what we did. Do you know how hard it could make things if everypony knew that we were the bearers of the Elements of Harmony? It could endanger our lives. Sure some ponies know, but they are trusted friends of the court and they wouldn’t blab about who we are.” Rainbow crossed her hooves and looked positively sour. “And anyway, we didn’t save Canterlot from the changelings. My brother and Cadence did.”

“We helped,” Rainbow grumbled.

Twilight rolled her eyes and decided to ignore her. It was more important to try to figure out how Celebrity Deathmatch worked. Their own privacy was obviously at stake for one, so it was important that they try to do some inconspicuous snooping. If Celestia didn’t know about it, there had to be some way to get around the odd security and bust whatever was really going on.

Applejack whistled, clearly impressed. The building that Celebrity Deathmatch was held in was huge, made to look like a coliseum of sorts. The inside though was even more impressive looking like a palace, only with a lot of vendors. Throughout the castle-like halls, ponies selling food, souvenirs, clothes, and even the official rulebook of the tournament were adamantly hawking their wears, openly competing with others selling the same products.

“If I had known it was going to be like this, I might have thought to sell some apples here. There might be more ponies here than at the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“The thing that scares me is that I think half these ponies were at the Gala.” The first day of the tournament had only just started and already Twilight was feeling heavier and heavier in her stomach. The fact that she had had a very restless sleep and barely eaten any breakfast didn’t help either. She was also a little worried that Pinkie Pie had never come back to their room and they still hadn’t heard anything from her since leaving her on the beach the day before.

“This stinks. I couldn’t even get near this building yesterday so I couldn’t find out anything then, and today it turns out that Fluttershy and Photo Finish are in the opening match, so I’m not going to be able to do any investigating until it’s over.”

“Why not investigate while the match is goin on?” Rainbow asked.

“Rainbow Dash, you represent loyalty. Why do you think I’m going to wait?”

Rainbow nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I definitely feel the same way.”

“So they’re gonna be fightin’ first? Who are they up against?” Applejack wondered.

“Um, let’s see.” Twilight looked over a pamphlet one of the door ponies had given to her when she walked in. “That’s odd. Didn’t Photo Finish say this was tag team?”

“Yes, why?” Rarity asked.

“There’s only one name listed on the opposing team. Somepony named Ace Crusher.”

Rainbow Dash stopped in mid-flap. “Ace Crusher? As in the Ace Crusher?”

“You know him?”

“He’s only like, the best professional wrestler ever.”

“Professional wrestling? Isn’t that all fake?” Rarity asked.

“Yeah, but it don’t mean this guy ain’t no athlete. Those wrestlers still got to stay in top physical form as I understand it,” Applejack put in.

“For a silly spectacle like that? Please.” Rarity waved her hoof dismissively. “Imagine, a bunch of grown stallions in spandex pants, toting their hulking bodies against each other, working up a manly sweat in an attempt to topple their opponents with their big hulking muscles and hunky physiques and…” Rarity stopped when she realized her friends were staring at her. She cleared hr throat and flipped her hair. “Well… it is a silly sport after all, not that I would know anything about it.”

“Uh huh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Anyway, physically strong or not, this has to be some kind of mistake. Who is his partner?”

“HI!” a shrill voice shouted behind them, making everypony jump. “Ace Crusher doesn’t have a partner. He’s fighting alone.”

“Pinkie?” The pink party mare was smiling and giggling as she always did. “Where have you been? And how do you know that Ace is fighting alone?”

“Because he told me at the beach party last night. He joined the conga line a little after you guys left. You girls should have been there. It was a blast.”

“Knowing you, I believe it. Did you get lost trying to find your way back?”

“No. I found you guys, didn’t I?”

“Where were you all night then?” Rainbow demanded.

“The party just ended about an hour ago.”

Pinkie’s friends stared at her. “You’ve been awake all night?” Rarity asked her. Pinkie nodded and giggled. “How are you still so peppy?”

“Cause I just drank seven cups of coffee!”

“That can’t be healthy,” Twilight said quietly. “Wait a minute, does that mean Ace Crusher was up all night too?”

“No, he went to bed around midnight, so he’s well rested for his match today.”

“Too bad. Fluttershy needs all the advantage she can get,” Rainbow said glumly.

“Is he fighting Fluttershy today? He didn’t tell me that. And I thought we were friends.”

“In any case, he must be pretty confident to fight a tag match by himself. Did you by any chance learn anything about him?” Twilight asked.

“Sure. He’s a professional wrestler, he still lives with his mother, he likes chimichangas, his favorite color is blue…”

“No! Pinkie, I mean what’s he like? Is he a strong fighter?”

“I don’t know about fighting, but he’s definitely strong. You should have seen it, girls. There was like five of us who posed on a surfboard to take a picture, and Ace bench-pressed all of us. It was really awesome.”

Though Pinkie giggled on and talked some more about Ace Crusher, her friends weren’t listening anymore. Things were sounding worse and worse for Fluttershy.

Fluttershy looked at the clock and shivered on the bench. She and Photo Finish were waiting for their match to start from the locker rooms, which already didn’t smell very pleasant. Fluttershy hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, too scared at the prospect of what they were supposed to do.

“Photo Finish, are you sure we can’t give up now?”

“And lose out on all de glory? Never. Besides, I don’t want to deal with those griffons financially crushing me. Do you know what that would do to my career?”

“Couldn’t we give up after the fight starts?”

“What was I just saying? No! I, Photo Finish, will not lose my celebrity status. We are going to shine all across Equestria once again.”

“I didn’t want to shine the first time,” Fluttershy sulked, drooping on the bench.

Angel patted her hoof and glared at Photo Finish. He jumped down from the bench and hopped over to her, kicking her in the leg again. Photo glowered at him, looked to see that Fluttershy wasn’t looking, and shoved the angry little bunny into a locker.

“Come Fluttershy, it is time to pony up and face de musics. We are in this thing together, aren’t we?”

“Well… I guess but…”

“Right. And anypony who gets in our way will be turned to horsemeat! Right?”

Fluttershy gaped and wanted to cry at the notion. She just couldn’t understand why Photo would be okay with any of this. However, before Fluttershy could protest, an earth pony in a bowtie stuck his head in the locker room. “Fluttershy and Photo Finish, it’s just about time. Get ready to make your entrance.”

“Wunderbar. I’ll show those two hacks who is celebrity material.” Photo Finish smiled and rubbed her hooves together as if she were plotting something.

“Oh, and Ms. Fluttershy?” Fluttershy turned her attention to the attendant and realized it was the same pony who had asked for her autograph. “I’ll be rooting for you. I never liked that Ace Crusher fellow anyway. He deserves to die.” And this was one of Fluttershy’s fans.

“Are you ready, Fluttershy? We go!” Photo Finish started pushing Fluttershy out of the locker room door, just as she had pushed and pulled her all through her modeling career. Nothing at all had changed between them.

“No…,” Fluttershy protested meekly.

“What was that?”

“I said, no! I don’t want to fight!” Fluttershy screamed, holding all four hooves across the door as Photo tried to shove her out.

“We have to. We can’t back out now.” Photo kept pushing, but no amount of force was getting Fluttershy out of the doorway. “Do you know what would happen if we lost all our status and money?”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. If she lost all her money, her animal friends might starve. The critters would be devastated. They might have to go to some new faraway home where they might end up with a less caring caretaker who held them in cages. Cages.

Fluttershy hadn’t realized that her grip on the doorway had weakened until Photo had shoved her out of the locker room. Though Fluttershy was still thinking of her animals, she let Photo push her the rest of the way down the hallway where she saw a large opening at the end. As they came closer, she heard the sounds of ponies clapping and cheering. Fluttershy’s childhood fears of crowds suddenly overcame her and she wanted to scream. Her scream was heard by no one, mostly because it was so quiet of course.

“This is quite the setup,” Applejack remarked. After spending a little time exploring the inner sanctum of the building, and also buying a few things for lunch later, Applejack and the rest had convened in the main room where rows upon rows of bleachers surrounded the arena where the fighting was going to take place. “Look at the ring. I feel like I’m at a boxin’ match.”

“It does kind of resemble that. This is all looking pretty official.” After a quick search, Twilight had found that the seats Rarity had bought for them were only four rows back from the ring and almost dead center on the east side. The room was crowded with ponies and just getting to their seats was a task in itself. “I suppose this way we can see just what really goes on in this silly competition.”

Rarity looked at Twilight sternly and shook her head. “Twilight, are you even listening to yourself? Do you honestly think they would cover up something illegal by claiming it is something even worse? That doesn’t make much sense.”

“Well… uh…” Twilight looked embarrassed. “Oh, come on. I’m sure they don’t really kill each other. It’s probably just a term they use… or … something.” Twilight produced a small book from her saddlebag. “I bought an official rulebook from one of those vendors. I’m sure this will clear things up.” With that, she quickly skimmed through the book, looking for the rules of the ring.

“So, what does it say?” Rarity asked.

“Let’s see… it looks like the first half of this book outlines all the rules regarding entry and the penalties of failing to participate…,” Twilight stopped on a particular page, going wide eyed for a moment, before quickly flipping further. “They’re both participating so we don’t have to worry about that,” she said quickly, flipping through several more pages. “This is ridiculous. Where the heck is the part about the actual tournament itself?” Twilight continued flipping through the book until she reached the last page. “What?”

“What’s a matter?” Applejack asked.

“There are only six rules!”

“Huh?” her friends all gasped.

“1. Only celebrities may participate in the tournament. 2. Matches are fought one on one except in special cases. 3. Tagging in requires that tag partners touch hooves. 4. If the referee says he allows it, then it is allowed. 5. If the referee says it is not allowed, then it is not allowed. 6. Only one participant needs to die to declare victory except in special cases… and that’s it.” Twilight tossed the book aside angrily. “It doesn’t even say what the special cases are.”

“Did you just say only one participant needs to die?” Rainbow exclaimed.

Twilight froze, only then realizing what she had just read. “It can’t literally mean that. I’m sure of it. Why would Princess Celestia allow something like a real Deathmatch?”

“But it’s illegal, right? So maybe she really doesn’t know anythin’ about it?” Applejack suggested nervously.

Twilight paled. “They can’t really kill each other. This is all just a big publicity stunt. It has to be. There’s no way Princess Celestia wouldn’t know about something this big.”

“But Twilight,” Rarity began, but the sudden buzz of a microphone caught all of their attention.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, griffons and mules, today is the start and only the beginning of a very special… Celebrity Deathmatch.” The audience cheered and their hooves thundered. A short tune blared from the speakers followed by the words Celebrity Deathmatch, lighting up on large screens on all four walls of the building. Twilight swallowed. Her real investigation was about to start. Looking up, she saw two earth ponies sitting in a box with a birds eye view of the ring and all its spectators. Both were dressed in black tuxedoes. They also had two microphones sitting in front of them and looked beyond pleased to be where they were. Then one of them spoke.

“Hello, everypony. I’m Johnny Gomez.”

“And I’m Nick Diamond. Folks, you’ve been waiting for it for four long years and it’s finally here.”

“Welcome to the Celebrity Deathmatch, TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT!”

“I like the sound effects, Johnny.”

“So do I, Nick. Anyway, fight fans, we have everything from actors to singers, artists to zoologists, and all around famous ponies to all around favorites.”

“We’ve gathered the best of the best and the egocentric of the egocentric and brought them all here together under the same roof for the fight of the leap year, in our tag team tournament.”

“You love them, you hate them, you love to hate them, and hate to love them. The greatest celebrities of Equestria are here and ready to do untimely battle to the death.”

“That’s right, Johnny. We couldn’t have a better line-up here if Princess Celestia herself showed up.”

“We have a grand total of 64 teams this year, most of whom we’ve seen fight to incredible victories before. But only one of these teams will be able to claim victory in the Celebrity Deathmatch, TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT!”

“How come you only get the sound effects, Johnny?”

Twilight paled. It certainly sounded the way Photo Finish had described it.

“I don’t know, Twi. This sounds awfully real,” Applejack shouted over the crowd.

“Just you watch. It’s all an act. There’s not going to be any real murder going on. That’s just silly.” Twilight laughed nervously as loudly as she could.

“Hey, look, it’s him!” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down.

“Now entering the ring in the red corner, professional wrestling champion, Ace Crusher!” Johnny announced.

“Wow… he is big,” Rarity commented. A large blue stallion with a short green mane pulled himself through the ropes of the ring and raised his hooves in the air. Though it was difficult to tell without a proper comparison, he looked to be slightly taller than Big Macintosh, though he did share a similar build and appearance, other than his neon green spandex pants of course.

Applejack pulled an apple out of the bag she had bought and nervously took a bite. “This is bad, ya’ll. He looks like he could take out ten Fluttershy’s.”

Rainbow Dash suddenly laughed. “Don’t worry about her. I prepped her and psyched her up as much as I could this morning. Fluttershy will be a mean, green, fighting pony like you won’t believe.”

“Look, here comes Fluttershy and Photo Finish,” Pinkie announced. Rainbow Dash took one look and facehoofed. On the other side of the ring, Photo Finish was dragging Fluttershy by her tail. The crowd whooped and hollered anyway, not seeming to care that the two were inching their way down the carpet. Even the announcers waited for them to reach the ring, where Fluttershy gave up trying to grip the carpet and instead latched on to one of the corner posts of the ring. Try as she might, Photo Finish couldn’t pry her off.

“And in the blue corner we have two newcomers to Deathmatch: Fashion photography mogul, Photo Finish, and her tag partner, former model, Fluttershy!”

The crowd roared and stamped their hooves even harder than they had for Ace Crusher. Photo Finish turned away from her partner, raised her hooves and bowed in outlandish enthusiasm. Fluttershy on the other hoof hugged the side of the ring and did her best to hide her face. Apparently, her shyness excited the audience even more because a few flowers went sailing into the arena at her hooves, consequently making her blush in further embarrassment, which made the crowd cheer even louder.

“I’m really shocked by this turn of events, Johnny. I never imagined that Equestria’s own sweetheart, Fluttershy, would come out of retirement to fight in Celebrity Deathmatch.”

“You’re not the only one, Nick. Hourly ticket sales went up by an astonish 5% as soon as word of her entry spread. There hasn’t been this much excitement over a competitor since Buck Norris.”

“Indeed. Now as I understand it, Johnny, Photo and Fluttershy are two of only four competitors this year who have never competed in Deathmatch before. We could be looking at a major upset or a major letdown with this fight.”

“In either case let’s hope for a real bloodbath and a great show, Nick.”

“Those sure are some strange commentators. Are those names foreign or something?” Applejack asked.

“Maybe they’re from another world entirely,” Pinkie suggested.

“Oh yes. I’m sure that’s it,” Rarity guffawed.

Pinkie scratched her chin in thought. They sure didn’t seem like normal ponies. However, there was at least one other thing the pink party mare noticed that seemed at least a little more important. “Twilight? Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine, Pinkie. Why do you ask?”

“Cause you’re biting your hoof.”

Twilight hadn’t even noticed. “Well… you know…” Twilight let go of her hoof, but didn’t take her eyes off the ring. “I’m sure nothing bad is going to happen. It’s just not. It can’t.” Twilight leaned forward in her seat.

Down in the ring, Ace Crusher and Photo Finish didn’t seem to be getting along very well. Ace suddenly laughed. “Fashion ponies huh. Doesn’t sound like much of a challenge.”

“You just wait, you muscle brained nincompoop. I, Photo Finish, will throw you out of de ring by your little spandex pants.”

“You keep my spandex pants out of this.”

“Hold it! Keep your distance and your insults to yourselves. I haven’t given the word yet.” A pony in a white dress shirt and black bowtie, pulled himself into the ring. Though he sported a baldhead, even Pinkie didn’t make a comment about it.

“Presenting our referee, Millhouse Lane!” The audience screamed and stomped their hooves at the frowning pony. Only five ponies didn’t join in the cheering and one of them was having an explosion in her brain.

“Millhouse Lane?!” Twilight shouted over the noise of the audience. “It can’t be him! There’s no way!”

“What’s wrong, Twi? You heard of him?” Applejack yelled over the crowd.

“Yes, but it’s just not possible. Millhouse Lane is the most respected judge in Canterlot. He can’t be here.” Twilight’s hoof shook as she pointed at him. “And yet he looks just like him… I can’t believe it… he works directly under Princess Celestia… he was a guest speaker at the magic school… I was always careful to follow everything by the book because if his inspiring speech… I dedicated my early studies to his work in the legal system!”

“There, there, Twilight. Just relax. Breathe.” Pinkie gave her a brown paper bag that she immediately breathed into frantically. “You really shouldn’t be that surprised. He’s been the referee since Deathmatch started.”

The paper bag suddenly popped from excessive air and Twilight coughed. “What are you talking about? How do you know that?”

“He was at the beach party. I told you you should have been there, Twilight.”

Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “I spent a month of research and couldn’t come up with anything, and then you find out everything there is to know after being here less than a day. Where did I go wrong?”

“I didn’t find out everything. I only met a few of the celebrities in the tournament.” Twilight didn’t care though. She was still upset that she had failed as an investigator.

Fluttershy clung to the ring, praying that it all was a bad dream that she would wake up from at any moment. However, no matter how many times she shut and opened her eyes, her surroundings never went away.

“Fluttershy, get up here! I can’t tag you when you’re down there.” Photo Finish pushed her head through the ropes and assumedly glared at her through her shades. “This is our moment to shine.”

“But… but Photo Finish, I can’t do this. It’s just not nice.”

“It’s not about being nice and it doesn’t matter what either of us wants now.” Photo jumped down to the floor to be eyelevel with the scared pegasus. “This is a matter of pride. De fans expect this. You don’t want to let your fans down do you?”

“I don’t want fans, I just want to go home.”

“If we fail, one of us isn’t going home. Do you want that?”

“Well… no but…”

“Are you really going to let him kill me?”

“I never said that.” Fluttershy let go of the corner post and peered over the side of the ring. “What can I do though? He’s so… big… and he doesn’t look very nice.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Photo put her foreleg over Fluttershy’s shoulders and held her close. “Look, it’s two on one. We have de advantage here. I’ll weaken him first and then you tag in and finish him off.”

“With a nice song?” Fluttershy tried.

“No! With death!”

“Is that… sarcastic?”

Photo sighed. “We’ve been over this. We try to kill him and he’s going to try to kill us. It’s that simple.”

“He’s going to kill us? You didn’t tell me about that!”

“I thought it was implied. You didn’t think he was just going to stand there while we smashed him did you?”

“Well… no… but…”

This was proving to be more difficult than it needed to be. Thinking quickly, Photo decided to approach the fight from a different angle. “This guy is a professional wrestler, right?”

“Right…”

And everypony knows that professional wrestling is fake, right?”

“It is?”

Photo bit her lip, trying not to lose her temper. “Yes, it’s fake. My point is he’s not a real fighter. He may look like a perfectly toned, streamlined, and big muscled killing machine in spandex pants but he’s nothing but an actor. On top of that, he’s alone. Think of this as a freebee. We’ve won de lottery with this fight.”

“Well… if you say so,” Fluttershy said slowly though her voice was completely devoid of confidence.

“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Johnny suddenly announced. “Let’s get ready to rumble!”

Fluttershy’s heart sank. The audience roared as Millhouse ushered the competitors to step forward. Ace Crusher strutted over from his corner and Photo Finish jumped back into the ring and met him, looking him eye to shades as menacingly as she could. Fluttershy finally climbed up and cowered behind the ropes in her corner of the ring. She prayed that the tournament would end quickly and with no bad injuries to anypony.

Millhouse raised his hooves for silence. His command of the ring was well respected as the noise died and not even a cricket dared to chirp. “All right, I want a good clean fight. Ace Crusher, no excessive manly sweating. Photo Finish, no negatives. And Fluttershy… well… I’m sure you’re clean. Anyway, remember that this is a tag team match. Only one fighter per team unless I say otherwise, got it?” Photo and Fluttershy nodded. “Now let’s get it on.”

The bell rang, Millhouse stepped back, and Photo Finish and Ace Crusher prepared to kill each other.

“Get ready, Fluttershy. It’s time to make… de magicks!” With a laugh, Photo lunged and punched at Ace. However, he grabbed her hoof, picked her up, and slammed her on her back. In seconds, the famous photographer was staring at the ceiling. “What just happened?” Photo was seeing stars in a way she had never seen them before, dancing around her head. “All right, I was not expecting that. But you’re not going to get the best of Photo Finish agaaaaain-” Before Photo could even finish her sentence, Ace Crusher put her in a headlock and jumped backwards, slamming her headfirst into the corner post. Photo wailed in pain and held her head as she dizzily tried to stand up. “Okay… I’m not playing around anymore. Now you’re really going to get… de pounding!” She threw a punch but Ace Crusher caught it on his muscular chest. Ace smirked as Photo Finish screamed and pounded on his chest with both hooves as fast as she could. He chuckled as he picked her up, and slammed her flat on her back again.

“Wow, Photo, the fighting looks so real. You’re both good actors,” Fluttershy said with a smile, though she cringed a little when Crusher jabbed Photo in the stomach with his hoof.

“Photo is taking a real beating, Johnny. It looks like she might be finished, real soon.”

“That’s a terrible joke, Nick, but I think you might be right.”

“Photo Finish, are you okay? He looks like he’s really hurting you,” Fluttershy said in a low voice.

“No… no… this doesn’t hurt at all…,” Photo replied, wiping away some blood that dripped out of her mouth. “But for the sake of de show, can we switch for a while?”

“I guess so.” Fluttershy reached out for the battered photographer, but Ace Crusher pulled Photo back by the tail and held her in a choking headlock before pounding on her head with his hoof. Then he twirled her in the air and threw her at the corner post of the ring, right next to Fluttershy. “That looked really painful, Photo. Are you sure you’re all right?”

Photo peeled her face off the corner post and dizzily nodded her head, forcing one of her teeth loose. “Yes… 100%. But let’s tag anyway…” She held her hoof out, but Ace Crusher grabbed her by the tail again and pulled her out to the center of the ring. Fluttershy covered her eyes as Crusher made another move on her.

“Ohhh! That was a pretty cruel one. Ace Crusher is giving Photo Finish a run for her money, Nick.”

“With interest, Johnny.”

Photo crawled away from her tormentor and reached her hoof out for Fluttershy again. “Tag!” she shouted but Crusher pulled her back again.

Fluttershy covered her eyes again as another brutal pounding rang in her ears. It sure looked and sounded real to her.

“Tag!” Photo shouted but Ace Crusher grabbed her tail yet again and let her have some more before throwing her across the ring. Photo bounced off the ropes and straight into a clothesline by the powerful wrestler, sending her flying out of the ring and on to the floor below, once again, flat on her back. “I go…” she whispered and raised her hoof in the air, though she dropped it rather quickly.

“Photo Finish?” Fluttershy asked.

Photo Finish stared up at her, her right eye looking rather stunned through the broken lens of her shades. “For the love of Celestia… please tag…” she moaned, holding a very bent looking hoof out to Fluttershy.

“Um… okay.” The blood on Photo Finish’s face looked real too, but Fluttershy tagged the mare’s bruised hoof anyway, very lightly of course.

“And Fluttershy tags in,” Johnny announced.

“It’s time to see what the sweetest pony in Equestria can do in the most brutal tournament in Equestria, Johnny.”

“Come on! You think you can handle me?” Ace Crusher taunted.

Fluttershy gulped. It looked so real. She stepped gingerly into the ring, taking her time, daintily moving the ropes so as not to suffer a rope burn. She slunk up to the huge wrestler who impatiently tapped his hoof, waiting for her to get to him.

“Come on, Fluttershy… hit him!” Photo called from where she was still laying on the floor.

Fluttershy looked up into his face and lightly punched him in the chest, squealing as her hoof made contact. The wrestler frowned. “Really? That’s the best you’ve got?”

Fluttershy looked up at him. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean it.” The look on her face was so forgiving and so innocent that a flood of camera flashes lit up the ring. Some ponies in the audience had been waiting for Fluttershy’s reemergence in the modeling world for a long time and couldn’t pass up the chance to take her picture in one of her famous meek poses.

Millhouse however, waved his hooves around. “Hey, hey, hey! No flash photography during the match! I don’t care if she’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on!”

Fluttershy bit her lip in further embarrassment and stared up into Ace Crusher’s face again as if pleading with him to stop the match. Ace Crusher wound up his hoof to punch her, but found himself looking into sad, nervous, puppy dog eyes. He slowly lowered his hoof.

“Ahhh, I can’t hurt you. You’re just too cute.”

Fluttershy blushed and hid her face behind her long pink locks. “Oh… um… thank you… but… really I…”

Smack!

“Oh! That was a low blow, Johnny. A sucker punch right to Fluttershy’s face.”

“And Fluttershy retaliates by crying… wait, is she really crying?”

“I think she is, Johnny. Fluttershy is cringing on the floor, bawling her eyes out. I’ve never seen this strategy before.”

“I’m not so sure it’s a strategy, Nick.”

Ace Crusher frowned at the boohooing mare at his hooves. “Are you serious? I barely touched you.”

“I don’t know what it is about this, Johnny, but seeing Fluttershy like that actually makes me feel a little angry. I can’t believe that bully would do that to such a sweet pony.”

“It looks like the crowd doesn’t like it either. Listen to all that booing. I think Fluttershy has sympathizers in the audience, Nick.”

Ace Crusher looked around at the audience who hurled various insults at him for his blatant attack on the little pegasus, known to her biggest fans as Equestria’s sweetheart, and everypony knows that you don’t sucker punch Equestria’s sweetest pony.

“I barely touched her. She’s not even bleeding!” Despite his protest, Ace Crusher ducked his head when an empty soda can went flying past him. Then a rulebook. Then a souvenir from the gift shop.

“The Fluttershy fans are really pissed, Johnny. They’re throwing everything but the… oh never mind. There’s one. I wonder who had the strength to throw that?”

“Yeeeaaaaaah!” a rather large pony in the audience screamed.

“Oh. Guess that answers that question.”

“Lucky for Ace Crusher it was poor aim, Nick.”

With the audience chucking various items at the wrestler, he had no room to do anything but dodge and cover his face. Nopony noticed when a saddened pegasus went slinking back to her corner of the ring, or when a mostly battered earth pony finally picked herself up off the floor and tried to climb back up.

“This is crazy,” Twilight shouted over the noise of the crowd. “I can’t believe how far they’re taking this match. They really look like their trying to kill each other.”

“Twilight, I think its time you admit that your theory this is all just some stunt, is little more than wishful thinking,” Rarity said rather quietly, watching Fluttershy silently sulking and saying something unheard to Photo Finish. Probably pleading to give up, knowing her.

“Well I’m not about to let that stallion kill Fluttershy. If we’re allowed to throw stuff at him, then I say we get in on the action too,” Applejack said determinedly and pulled an apple out of the bag she had bought at the concession stands. Taking careful aim, she tossed the apple in the air and bucked it away. She smiled when it hit Ace Crusher straight in the head, knocking him to his knees.

“Look at that, Johnny. Somepony just threw food out there!”

“I can’t believe someone would do something so careless, Nick. To think that they would waste food when there are creatures starving in other countries.”

“Disgusting, Johnny. Absolutely disgusting.”

Applejack blinked in confusion. There were actually ponies looking at her now. No. They were glaring. “It was just… I mean…” Applejack lowered her hat and sunk down in her seat. “Well, that was my idea. You guys got any better ones?” she quietly asked her friends.

“No, but I think these ponies need to get their priorities straight,” Rarity commented.
Looking back down at all the confusion, most of the audience had stopped throwing junk in the ring and it seemed they had finally noticed that Fluttershy was no longer standing near Ace Crusher.

“Hey, wait a minute, Johnny. I think something is happening down there!” Nick stood up in his seat and pointed.

“You’re right, Nick. It looks like Photo Finish is taking advantage of Ace Crusher’s disorientation. She’s tagged back in and… what’s this? Is she? She is! She’s taking out her camera!”

“Wait, doesn’t that count as a weapon?” Twilight wondered.

“I’ll allow it!” Millhouse called.

“What does this mean, Johnny?”

“I’ve no idea, Nick. Is now really the best time for a photo shoot?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “This is stupid. It’s just a camera. What’s she gonna do with- HOLY!” Rainbow couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Oh my gosh, Johnny! She’s shoving the camera down Ace Crusher’s throat, tripod and all… and she’s taking pictures!” Nick shouted, noting the flashes that illuminated from inside Ace’s mouth and nose.

“I don’t believe it, Nick! I’ve never seen anything like this! Where did she even pull that thing from?”

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash gaped, unable to move. Until Rarity lost her breakfast on the floor anyway.

“It’s going down, Nick! Down, down…,”

“Down, down, down, down…,” the crowd chanted among Rarity’s vomiting.

“It’s through! It’s through! The camera’s come out the other end! Photo Finish has done it, Johnny!” The camera lens had clearly ripped through Ace’s spandex pants. He collapsed on the floor and choked on the tripod until he stopped moving all together. “I think we’ll have to call that one the Photo Finisher! Talk about indigestion!”

“I cannot wait for those pictures to develop, Nick.”

“A true Kodak moment, Johnny.”

“The winners are Photo Finish and Fluttershy!” Millhouse announced.

The bell rang as Millhouse held up Photo Finish’s hoof. The crowd went wild. In fact, the only ones in the building that weren’t hooting, hollering, and cheering, were a deathly pale yellow pegasus, four stunned friends, a bunny watching from the locker room, and a white unicorn drowning in a puddle of puke.

Not So Sweet and Un-elite

Chapter 3: Not So Sweet and Un-elite

“Rarity, the next time you try to call somethin’ on my farm uncouth, I’m gonna remind you of what we just saw today.”

Rarity shuttered. “In that case, Applejack, remind me to remove that word from my vocabulary.”

The locker room was just as smelly as one might expect at a high school. Rarity gargled mouthwash to remove the taste of vomit from her mouth as her friends silently crowded around Fluttershy. The poor pegasus had fainted shortly after the win and only Photo Finish seemed unconcerned. Rainbow Dash fanned Fluttershy with her wings and Angel slowly trickled water over her face.

“Ha, ha! Did you see dat? Our first victory vas glorious!” Photo bragged as two unicorns from the official Deathmatch staff used their magic to heal her.

“Glorious nothin’. You were gettin’ you’re flank whooped till I beaned the guy with an apple,” Applejack retorted.

“Yes, and thank you for dat, but don’t do dat anymore. De audience was sympathizing with him and it made us look bad.”

“I made you look bad!? You just killed a pony!”

Rather than answer, Photo merely flicked her hair and smiled as if it was something to be proud of.

“Uhhhhh…” Fluttershy stirred and opened her eyes.

“You okay, Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked her.

“Wha… what happened?”

“You fainted,” Pinkie told her.

“I had a terrible dream. I dreamt that Photo Finish horribly mutilated a pony right in front of me.”

“Dat was no dream,” Photo said proudly. “Ace Crusher is dead. I slaughtered him in such a gory way dat no description could do it justice.”

Fluttershy stared at Photo for a few seconds and fell over.

“She fainted again,” Pinkie announced.

“She sure has been fainting a lot lately,” Rainbow said with an exasperated frown. “Come on Fluttershy, get up!” With no response from the Deathmatch contestant, Rainbow went right back to fanning her.

“This is horrible. Ain’t there some way we can stop this?” Applejack asked, but nopony answered her and Photo Finish wasn’t even paying attention.

“I can see it now. Photo Finish and Fluttershy de greatest tag team to ever grace Deathmatch.” The two Deathmatch attendants nodded in agreement, but they looked more as if they were laughing at her.

“After watchin’ you fight, I’m even more worried,” Applejack grumbled. Clearly, the photography mogul had no idea how to fight, or maybe it was just the opponent she had tried to take on. “Twilight, maybe if you look over the rules you can find some way to get Fluttershy outta this mess without any of them thar repercussions. Twi? Twi? Are you listenin’?”

Twilight slowly turned from the corner she had been quietly sitting in and stared at her with dried out eyes that hadn’t blinked in the last three minutes. “That didn’t just happen. Tell me that didn’t just happen.”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you kidding? My eyes are never going to be the same again,” Twilight wailed, finally blinking. “How do they get away with this? How does Princess Celestia not known about it? How can Millhouse referee this whole thing?” She fell to sobbing into her hooves.

“Now calm down and try to be rational, Twi.”

Twilight shot up and put her hooves on Applejack’s shoulders. “I am being rational. It’s this whole competition that isn’t.” Twilight buried her face in her hooves again. “You’re right though. I can’t pretend this isn’t real. But I’ll be darned if I can’t do anything to stop this nonsense.”

“That’s what I was askin’ ya. What about the contract?”

Twilight sighed. “I looked over it several times, but it’s airtight. Even illness won’t get Fluttershy out of the tournament.”

“You gotta be kiddin’. What would they do if Fluttershy were in a coma or somethin’?”

“Probably toss her body in the ring and see what happens. These ponies are CRAZY!” With a frustrated harrumph, Twilight dug into her saddlebag and looked over a copy of Fluttershy’s contract for the umpteenth time.

“Ms. Finish?” another voice said from the door. “We have your photos here.”

“Ah! Good, good, let me see dem.” Photo accepted a wrapped package and quickly opened it like a filly on Hearth’s Warming. “Leave me.” The attendants, now finished healing her, left, though they looked rather smug about it. Photo Finish then proceeded to examine the photographs inside with the same studious eye she typically reserved for her fashion shoots. “Crap, crap, excellent, excellent, brilliant, crap, stunning, crap…” She tossed the photos she denoted as ‘crap’ on the ground and continued her examination. Pinkie Pie stooped over the discarded photos and picked one up.

“Ooh, cool. What’s this? It looks like a tunnel made of bubble gum.”

“It’s the photos I took when I made Ace Crusher eat my camera. Crap, crap, stupendous, brilliant…”

“Oh.” Pinkie stared at the picture for a moment and mechanically placed it into a trashcan without blinking. “That is not a good picture at all.”

“See. Crazy. Told ya,” Twilight remarked, not even looking up from the contract.

Finished sorting, Photo held the stack of photographs above her head and smiled. “Yeeeees. Truly some of my best work. I can sell dhese for 100... No! 1000 bits a piece.”

“And to think I ever wanted you to help me shine across Equestria,” Rarity sulked. “Well, now that we know that Deathmatch is most definitely authentic and Photo Finish has clearly lost her mind,” Rarity glared at Photo, but she was too busy laughing at her photographs to even listen, “whatever shall we do about Fluttershy’s predicament? Do you think they will let her back out now?”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t know. I’m working on it.”

“Can you work on it any faster? According to the officials, Fluttershy’s next match will probably be less than two hours away.”

“I’m working on it,” Twilight growled though she couldn’t think of anything specific she could do other than what she was already doing. Despite her efforts though, after another ten minutes of reading, Twilight still could find no plausible solution to their problem outside of Fluttershy suddenly dieing, and that of course was counterproductive.

Fluttershy had finally awoken and Rainbow Dash forbid her to faint again, though Fluttershy came pretty close after Photo Finish tried to share her photographs with her. Afterwards, Photo sat contently, praising herself on her ‘brilliant’ photos while the other six ponies sat down accomplishing nothing, much to their shame.

“This stinks worse than a pig sty. I can’t think of anythin,’” Applejack finally said, throwing her hooves up. “We’ve conquered magical spirits of chaos and bested love-eating shape shifters, and now we’re bein’ stopped by some kind a regulations of illegal activity? How did that happen to us?”

“Cause Fluttershy can’t say no to save her life. Literally,” Rainbow said annoyed, which made Fluttershy stare at the ground in shame. Even Angel looked disappointed with her. “Why’d you do it Fluttershy? You knew what you would have to do, so why?”

“I… I just…” As usual, Fluttershy’s voice was too low to hear clearly, but in the end, it didn’t matter, because an earth pony who pranced in disturbed the relative quite of the locker room just then.

“Photo Finish and Fluttershy, what a name you have made for yourselves. You two did exceptionally well, I’m really surprised. You know, I lost quite a bit of money on that fight.” She wore an expensive looking frilly, red dress and her equally red hair was done up in a beehive. “I really thought Ace Crusher had you. That was quite the stunt you pulled with your camera, Ms. Finish.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ve met before. Who are you?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? I am Priggish Mercedes. My family owns Deathmatch.”

“That sounds like a potential villain’s name if I ever heard one,” Pinkie suddenly spoke up.

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. “What is she prattling on about?”

“Nothing important, I’m sure,” Twilight said, apologetically. “Anyway, I’m Twilight Sparkle, one of Fluttershy’s friends. You said you’re family owns Deathmatch?”

“Grandpapa does to be precise, but one day I will inherit this whole franchise.”

“You call this a franchise?” Twilight muttered under her breath.

Mercedes walked through the smelly locker room as if she were walking through the most beautiful of ballrooms. “Anyway Ms. Finish, I’ll be quite interested to see how you and Fluttershy manage in your next match. I’m certain it will be quite thrilling.”

Rather then say anything, Photo Finish merely hummed an, “Uh huh,” and looked away.

Mercedes giggled. “Still full of yourself I see. This will be interesting indeed.” She made as if to leave, but Twilight stopped her.

“Wait, I’m sorry but I have to ask, how do you get away with this? I mean, I just don’t get how you can possibly hide all this from Princess Celestia.”

“Oh, it’s not really that important,” Mercedes said nonchalantly, waving her hoof dismissively. “You would understand if you had more money. You are poor, right?”

Twilight glared. “Not exactly, but I’m not rich either.”

“That’s a shame. Here you go, hon.” She produced a bag from somewhere and handed it to Twilight. “Four hundred bits. Knock yourself out. Go wild.”

“You’re just giving this to me?”

“My family is very charitable. We’re always giving things away.”

“Does that include death certificates?” Twilight muttered.

“Pardon me but I can hear you muttering,” Priggish replaced her coy enthusiasm with a devilish smile. “I’ve met plenty of ponies like you before. Perhaps you don’t approve of the way we run things here at Deathmatch. Perhaps you don’t like that we’ve turned what essentially is a funeral into a thriving entertainment enjoyed by the masses. Am I right?” Twilight took a step back. She hadn’t expected Priggish to be so forthcoming nor so light of tongue about the truth behind Celebrity Deathmatch. “Based on your reaction, I would say I hit the nail on the head. Well let me tell you something, Twilight Sparkle, this is the second largest gross income business in Equestria, second only to that jerk who’s family invented the wheel. In any case, my point is if you want to shut us down, like so many others before you have tried, it’s not going to be that easy. You’d be surprised what kind of dirty little businesses manage to stay afloat by giving away some bits here and there, and we’re the kings and queens of bits here.”

Twilight was surprised at how close she came to zapping Mercedes where she stood, maybe turn her into a lamp or something, but her conscience got the better of her.

“I’m not here to do anything but support one of my best friends. You’re stupid tournament dragged her into this and I’m going to see her walk out of it.”

Mercedes’ face abruptly changed back to one of coy indifference. “Oh, is that all? I suppose my boys have been feeding me the wrong information about you then.” Twilight paled. “I mean it’s not like we keep tabs on every guest who shows up to the island, perish the thought. That would just be uncouth.”

Abruptly, Applejack stomped her hoof hard enough to crack the floor, and she stood between the two. “Sorry to butt in, but I don’t take kindly to folks who threaten my friends. Besides, you just said a word I didn’t want to hear again.”

Priggish looked around the room and rather calmly examined the faces of three other angry looking mares. Twilight appeared relieved and Fluttershy just seemed worried.

“Well be it by me to offend others. I certainly don’t want to irritate our paying guests. Perhaps we may talk again, assuming your friend survives I suppose. She and Photo Finish have certainly stirred up the interest of the crowd. I wouldn’t want them to fall out of the tournament too soon.”

“Them’s fightin’ words where I come from,” Applejack threatened.

“Please, hon, save it for Deathmatch. If you’re ever famous enough to compete, I might just oblige you and have a match myself.”

At that, Applejack’s anger fell away. “Wha… I would never go that far.”

“Oh right, you’re the just and valiant type aren’t you. Ponies like you never survive past round two.”

Twilight had heard enough. “You know if Millhouse Lane knew you were such a corrupt pony-”

“Millhouse? Please, hon, you already saw him in the ring didn’t you? He’s been on the payroll since before I was born. He knows perfectly well how we operate around here.”

“Millhouse is…” Twilight stared blankly for a moment. “I think I’m going to throw up.” She held her hoof over her mouth and turned green.

“Not in here, missy, I’m a Mercedes. Do it out in the hall with the rest of the feint hearted.”

“Go count your dirty money or something. Leave us be,” Rarity told her while trying to comfort Twilight.

“I assure you, I will. And I’ll enjoy it too.” Priggish flicked her tail and started to leave. “Oh and please have fun while you’re here at Deathmatch,” she said with an honest smile as if their previous conversation had never happened.

“Potential villain. My Pinkie Sense never lies,” Pinkie said as soon as she was gone.

Twilight sulked. “Great. Something else we might have to worry about later. As if things weren’t bad enough.”

“Vat are you talking about? Things are great right now. Look at our great victory,” Photo finally chimed in.

“Maybe in your opinion,” Rarity said angrily. “In any case, I’m surprised Photo Finish. I thought for certain you would brag to her.”

Photo harrumphed. “Yeah.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you’re already quite acquainted with Ms. Mercedes.”

Photo Finish stared at the door where the young mare had exited and spoke without looking at Rarity. “Met her once before at a photo shoot. Never liked her. She’s always saying things she doesn’t mean, always plotting to get more money out of every deal. Almost swindled me out of thousands of bits too.”

“I believe that,” Applejack muttered.

“She can’t be all bad. She told us to have fun,” Fluttershy put in though it awarded her with a group groan.

“Fluttershy, what are we going to do with you? Don’t you ever see the bad side in ponies?” Rarity asked her.

“Yes, but it doesn’t mean they’re always bad.”

“Someday when I’m an old grey mare, I can only hope to be half as understanding as you.”

“Forget about when we’re old, I’m worried about now. What’s Fluttershy going to do in the next match?” Rainbow asked loudly.

“Eh, she’ll be fine.” Photo Finish started to make her way for the exit.

“Where are you going?”

Photo smiled. “To sell dese pictures at a jacked up price. I, Photo Finish, am going to make thousands.”

Rainbow watched her leave, with stark aw plastered on her face. “Is she for real? She almost got killed in the last mach. What makes her think the next one is going to go any better?”

“An over inflated ego,” Twilight stated flatly. “And by the way, I’m totally out of ideas. The contract is solid.”

“Really? Nothin’ at all?” Applejack pleaded.

“Nothing.”

“Not even the teeniest tiniest little flaw?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight sighed. “Well there is one condition but there’s is no way it will ever happen.”

“Yes, and?” everypony asked at once.

“If Photo Finish suddenly dropped out, Fluttershy would not be punished over it. She wouldn’t be financially crushed or anything like that and would be free to retire from Deathmatch.”

“That sounds perfect. Brilliant, Twilight. I knew we could count on you,” Rarity said, and hugged the other mare close.

Twilight however, lowered her eyes. “Rarity, do you even understand what that means? Not only would Photo Finish never drop out, but we’re actually hoping that her career is destroyed. I know we don’t like her, but I certainly don’t wish anything like that on anypony.”

“Think about what she has done to Fluttershy, Twilight. Think about what she has made her do. If nothing else, then perhaps this will teach her a lesson.”

“Pretty hard lesson there, but I s’pose you got a point. It’s Photo’s fault Fluttershy is in this mess to begin with.” Though Applejack didn’t feel entirely comfortable with it, she had to admit there was little other choice.

“But… but girls…” Fluttershy tried, but as usual, her voice didn’t carry loud enough.

Though it seemed they had come up with a plan, Twilight had her doubts. “And how do you propose we get Photo Finish to drop out? You’ve already seen her pride.”

“Force?” Dash suggested.

“I don’t think that would work very well.”

“Threatening?”

“We’re not the villains in this story.”

“Bribery?”

“What are we going to bribe her with? We’d be asking her to give up everything she has!”

Rainbow Dash thought a moment. “Force?” Twilight facehoofed.

Rarity on the other hoof suddenly smiled. “I see. Then it looks like it’s up to me.”

“Pardon?”

“Let me handle this, Twilight. I’ve dealt with these celebrity types before.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. If I can’t convince Photo Finish to drop out, then nopony can.”

“But…”

“Tut, tut, I know what your thinking and I understand. For Fluttershy’s sake I am prepared to take full responsibility for whatever happens to Photo Finish, financially or otherwise.”

“That’s not really what I… What do you mean?”

“Well…” Rarity bit her lip. “I suppose I could let her stay with me until she gets back on her hooves.”

“Whoa… You would go that far?” Applejack asked.

“Well, I am the element of generosity, am I not?”

Applejack whistled. “Rarity, I take back anythin’ and everythin’ bad I ever said about you. You’re a better pony than I am.”

“You don’t have to say that, Applejack. Although you could take my advice and try to spruce up your appearance every now and then.” Applejack glared. “What? Too much?” Applejack nodded. “Well it was worth a try. Anyway, I’m off. Wish me luck, girls.”

With that, Rarity pranced away to follow Photo Finish.

“This is gonna turn out badly in some ridiculous way, isn’t it,” Applejack said quietly.

“At the rate things are going I wouldn’t be surprised.” Twilight sighed and returned to the contract. It was still just as airtight as the last fifty times she had read it.

Fluttershy sighed. She couldn’t understand why nopony had suggested that she try to drop out. Perhaps it might involve some kind of horrible pain or whatnot from Priggish Mercedes’ “boys,” but at least it would spare any other pony from harm or otherwise financial ruin. Realizing that her friends weren’t paying any attention to her, Fluttershy silently slipped out of the room in search of another alternative. She didn’t even realize when a small bunny followed her.

It didn’t take long for Fluttershy to ask around (after five minutes of getting up her courage to talk to some of the staff) before she was directed to a door that read, Chairman. Though her grandfather owned the business, it seemed Priggish Mercedes currently ran most of the affairs of Deathmatch. After quietly knocking, Fluttershy peeked her head inside. Mercedes was inside behind her desk, but facing away from the door. A mug of coffee sat steaming next an expensive looking flower vase. A set of collision balls snapped back and forth on the desk making a continuous clinking sound that was rather unsettling to Fluttershy.

“What is it now? Number 1, did you finally manage to snap a picture of…?” Mercedes turned around, apparently expecting somepony else. “Oh. Fluttershy, it’s you. Please, come in.” Her voice changed to a sweeter tone as she motioned for Fluttershy to sit down in front of her desk. “What brings you here?”

“Well, if it’s all right with you, I was sort of hoping I could drop out…”

Mercedes chuckled to herself. “I’m sorry, what? I don’t think I heard you properly. You want to drop out?” Fluttershy nodded happily. “Listen, hon, that’s not exactly easy. There are consequences to dropping out.”

“I know, but I think it would be best for everypony if I did this. I don’t want Photo Finish to get hurt in the ring.”

“I see.” Priggish turned away from her again and quietly looked at something in her hooves. “Do you know what we do around here, Fluttershy?”

“Um… arrange fights to the death between celebrities?”

“Yes, but do you know what the business side of Deathmatch is about?” Priggish looked at her and Fluttershy shook her head. “To put it frankly, we’re an entertainment business. And entertainment businesses know that in order to stay in business, they have to keep the customers happy. Our customers are the fans and the fans want to see guts and carnage at the expense of their favorite celebrities. We honor that desire by making sure we always have celebrities who are willing to fight, and if their not willing, then we need to make sure they fight anyway.”

“But-”

“It’s not for us, it’s for the fans, you see. You don’t want to let down the fans do you?

“Well no, but I don’t really-”

“Listen, hon, we have rules because what the fans demand, we want to give. You can’t just simply drop out because you want to and neither can your partner.”

“But the contract says-”

“Yes, I know what the contract says, I coauthored it. As such, I think there’s a little something you need to understand about your participation.”

“Should I get Photo Finish to hear this too?”

Priggish appeared briefly annoyed but never lost her smile. “Forget Photo Finish for the moment and let’s focus on you.” Fluttershy pointed at herself, unnecessarily. “Yes you. Fluttershy. Former model, Fluttershy. The most graceful of ponies, Fluttershy. Equestria’s sweetheart, Fluttershy. My boys keep their ears to the walls around this establishment, hon, and your name get’s tossed around a lot. Ponies are curious about you. You left the spotlight so abruptly there was nothing but questions left behind. You’re one of the few celebrities whose career didn’t end in shame or death. In other words, you fell off the boat too soon. I didn’t really think much of Photo Finish entering until she tried to recruit you of all ponies, and I couldn’t have asked for a better choice. We’ve made record sells since your entrance was announced. Nopony knows hardly anything about you but your reputation as the sweetest and most graceful pony in Equestria. You’ve become the pony of the hour, the one everypony wants to see fight. I’ve been doing this for years, fans are free to come and go in their seats and I’ve never seen it more packed than during your match.”

“Um… I’m happy for you and all, but I sort of was hoping we could talk about me not being in the tournament anymore?” Priggish’s smile faded. “If that’s okay with you of course.”

“No. It’s not okay with me.”

Fluttershy lowered her head. “Oh. But it really is rather important and-”

“Fluttershy, honey, I don’t think you understand what I’m saying at all.” Priggish walked out from behind her desk and looked at some photographs she held in one hoof. “You see, hon, you’re a hot commodity. Frankly, I never realized how big your name actually was. Otherwise, I would have invited you to join long ago. Nopony ever thought they would see you in Celebrity Deathmatch. That’s the point I’m trying to get across to you. You’re big news and big news means big money. You can’t leave the tournament.”

“But the contract-”

“The contract doesn’t say anything about this.” She handed Fluttershy the photographs she was holding. They were three pictures, one with Twilight and Applejack buying a book and a bag of apples at the concession stands, another with Rainbow Dash trying to get the autograph of some celebrity Fluttershy didn’t recognize, and the last was of Rarity hiding behind a tree and holding a box of doughnuts.

“Your friends are a long way from home on a trip nopony knows they are on. Who knows what might have happened if they suddenly never came back.” Fluttershy gasped and backed away. “Now do you get it, hon? You can’t leave the tournament.”

Fluttershy stared at Mercedes in stark silence.

“What if I plead really politely?”

Priggish facehoofed. “Fluttershy, you’re not leaving, otherwise your friends aren’t either. Ever. Got it?”

Fluttershy squeaked, trying to say something, anything. Finally, however, she replied quietly, “Got it.” She handed the pictures back to Mercedes but the smirking mare shook her head.

“Oh no, those are for you to keep. Just as a reminder, you know?” Fluttershy whimpered. “Now get out of my office. I have a lot of important things to do.”

Fluttershy opened her mouth as if to say something again, but her eyes fell back on the photographs. She sighed and quietly left.

Groaning in disgust, Priggish picked up her coffee mug and took a long sip. Then she noticed the coat rack that was sitting in her office. “Well, Number 1, do you have any information on that other friend of Fluttershy’s yet?”

Number 1, the changeling, came out of the shadows where he had been impersonating the coat rack, and slowly shook his head. “Sorry, ma’am, but she’s proving to be extremely difficult to follow. It’s almost like she senses that we’re there or something.”

Priggish slammed her coffee mug down. “You get me some intel on that snoopy pink mare or I’m demoting you all the way down to Number 12. She’s even made friends with Millhouse. I won’t have it.”

“Yes ma’am.” Number 1 transformed into a tough looking griffin and dashed out of the room.

Mercedes snarled at her coffee mug. “This is getting to be more trouble than its worth. Who are these friends of hers?” She pushed one of the buttons on her intercom and yelled into it, “Number 26, who are Fluttershy and Photo Finish fighting in their next match?”

The reply came back staticy and somewhat muffled, but Mercedes was able to make it out.

“That’s a horribly boring fight. That team can’t fight for horseberries. I can’t believe they made it past the first round.” Mercedes angrily stared at her collision balls. “I need Fluttershy to fight this time. I can’t have her die without even throwing a punch, but she’ll never…” The collision balls clinked away, back and forth, back and forth, taking turns as to which side started or ended the full motion. Mercedes smiled.

A small bunny hiding in the corner saw it and clinched his tiny fist in anger. He knew Fluttershy was in trouble.

Rarity’s hair was slightly out of place in several spots and sweat was beginning to drip down her face, but even as prissy as she was, Rarity took little notice of it. She had been following Photo Finish around for the past hour, but the photography mogul never seemed to stay in one place for very long, nor did she try to listen to anything Rarity was trying to convey to her. It had gotten to the point where Photo Finish had been called back to the locker room because her match was about to start. Rarity hadn’t gotten anything through to her, other than that Photo now considered her to be annoying and a “no nothing.”

“Never,” Photo told her as she walked into the locker room. “I, Photo Finish will never drop out. We are doing too well to stop now.”

“You’ve only won one match, and what does that really mean? You were almost killed.”

“Dat is de point of Deathmatch. Honestly, you’re almost as stupid as Fluttershy.”

“Huh?” Fluttershy turned around from where she was stuffing three photographs into her designated locker.

“Fluttershy, dere you are. I vas afraid you vere going to be late.”

“Um… no. I just got here.”

“Good, den we’re all set.”

Rarity groaned. Convincing Photo Finish to drop out had proven to be a Herculean task. “Photo Finish, I beg you, please don’t make Fluttershy participate in this barbarism any further. Forfeiting isn’t going to ruin your career that much-”

“Photo Finish!” Rarity turned when a strangely familiar voice called out. Rarity’s eyes widened in surprise when she saw him walk into the room. “Looks like you’re up against me in the next round. I hope you’re not too humiliated when I make mincemeat out of your hide.”

“Prince Blueblood! I, Photo Finish, will make you eat those words, and maybe my camera too.”

“I’ll enjoy seeing that if you even get to fight. That little cutie Fluttershy is going to be your downfall. You should have picked a better partner like me.”

“Shut your mouth! Fluttershy is best model to ever grace Equestria. You’ll be surprised what she is capable of.”

“We’ll see.” Blueblood chuckled.

“B-blueblood…,” Rarity uttered.

“Sorry, but I don’t care which side of your flank you’re offering. I’m not giving autographs today.”

“M-m-my what?”

“Oh fine. Just this once for a wild fan. Do you want it on one or both sides?”

“Blueblood!” Rarity raged. “I do not want you’re autograph. Do you remember who I am?”

“Have we met before? I never forget a beautiful face and I don’t remember you. Of course, mine is the most beautiful so everypony remembers me.” Rarity gaped at his blatant insult. “Out of the way, commoner. Beautiful royalty coming through.” He shoved his way past Rarity and pranced out of the locker room.

Rarity stared after him. Then she put her foreleg around Fluttershy. “Consider this the one and only time you will ever here me say this. And it never leaves the room. Promise?” Fluttershy nodded her head slowly, wondering what this was about. Rarity looked around to make sure only the two celebrities were listening before she spoke. “Kick his ass to the moon, Fluttershy. You have my blessing.”

“But he’s royalty. He probably doesn’t even have a donkey.”

“Just tear him a new one.”

“A new what? Does he need something?”

Rarity sighed. “Just bite him or something, okay? For me.”

“But… but Rarity…”

“I’m not asking you to kill him, just hurt him… enough to make him squeal… or so.”

“Um… okay. If you think it’s all right.”

“Don’t worry, it’s more than all right.”

Photo Finish suddenly laughed. “I’m glad dat you are finally getting it. Dat’s a great idea. Blueblood will never know what hit him. Come Fluttershy, we go.”

Fluttershy still appeared skeptical but at least Photo didn’t have to drag her out to the ring this time. In fact, she almost seemed willing to go as if she had finally found some motivation, which didn’t seem like Fluttershy at all, especially given her situation.

After watching them go, Rarity sighed. “I have failed as a friend.” She shook her head, wondering how she had let her emotions get the better of her. “Rarity you dumb pony, what have you made your friend do? How could I have said such a thing?”

Rarity took a moment to silently berate herself before the smell of the locker room became too unbearable. On her way out, she bumped into somepony. “Oh pardon me, I’m so sorry.”

“Rarity?”

Rarity’s heart nearly stopped when she recognized the voice and then the face. “Fancy Pants!?”

“Rarity, how nice to see you here. Come to cheer me on, as they say?”

Rarity stared. “Y-you’re in the tournament?”

“Why yes. I’m partnering with Prince Blueblood. Thanks to you in fact.”

“Moi? However am I to blame for that?”

“Not to blame, my dear, in good relations. When I first met you, you made such an impression at the party in Canterlot Castle that Blueblood happened to introduce himself to me. I had no idea you knew the fair Prince.”

“Rather wish I didn’t…” Rarity said quietly. “Fancy Pants, why in Equestria would you participate in this… event?”

“Well it’s not the first time. Had an exhibition bout some months ago against some country bumpkin who sells the best wheat in Equestria or some such. Oh, and our first match in the tournament was quite the teaser if I do say so myself. Really let them have it.”

“Really…?” Rarity cleared her throat. “So… you’ve had a hoof in… fighting then?”

“More than that my dear. I even pulled the finishing blow.”

Rarity stared. “You’re kidding…”

“Not at all. Gouged his eyes out and smashed him over the head with a croquet mallet. Brilliantly good time.”

“I think I may faint.”

“Sorry you missed it. I was actually going to invite you to the tournament myself, but then I heard you had already come to Canterlot looking for tickets. A pity really. I think you might have a bit of an edge over Blueblood.”

“Wait, wait, wait… you were going to… you wanted me… for this tournament…?”

“Not sure if you would have qualified, though I’m sure they could have squeezed you in. A shame really. Glad you’re here all the same. I wouldn’t want my favorite party guest to miss out on the fun.”

“F-f-f-fun…?”

“Well it’s getting close to match time, so I’d better get out there. Wouldn’t want Blueblood to fight alone after all. I hear we’re going up against Photo Finish and that model that was in all the magazines a year ago. You’ll cheer for me of course, won’t you?”

Rarity mumbled some gibberish, but even she didn’t know what she was trying to say.

“Splendid. Well, I’m off then. I’ll see if I can get you a memento after we win.”

Rarity stared after him, only then remembering what she had told Fluttershy earlier. “Sweet Celestia, there has to be a way to stop this!”

Rainbow Dash cocked her head. She watched for almost ten full seconds before she turned away. “Can any of you guys tell what this crazy rabbit is trying to tell me?” Angel glared at her. He had just spent the last ten seconds telling Rainbow Dash everything that had occurred in Priggish Mercedes’s office, through charades of course, but she was just as dense as he always expected ponies to be.

Twilight Sparkle walked over to them and took him in with a bit of surprise. “Oh, Angel. I forgot you were even here. Are you looking for Fluttershy?”

Angel shook his head and started his charades over again. Twilight nodded, occasionally replying with “Uh huh.”

“What’s goin’ on? What’s he sayin’ Twi?” Applejack asked when she saw Angel’s strange gestures.

Twilight looked up and smiled. “He’s saying that he’s hungry.” Angel tripped and face planted on the ground. And Twilight was supposed to be the smart one of the group.

“Well I don’t suppose he likes apples, does he?”

Angel got up and moved on to Pinkie Pie, playing out his charades.

“I love charades. Let’s see, one word? Rabbit! Rabbit, is it rabbit?” Angel stopped and tugged on his ears in frustrations. “Oh it was two words. Rabbit ears. That’s a good one. Now watch me.” Pinkie stood up and did something that resembled building a house. Angel glared at her for a moment and hopped away. Apparently it was up to him to stop all the shenanigans that was going on. And ponies were supposed to be the dominant species of Equestria.

“Where’s he goin’? Does he not like apples?” Applejack asked, watching him leave.

“It was Celestia crossing the Delamare!” Pinkie called after him.

“I have the strangest feeling that he wasn’t trying to tell us he was hungry,” Dash said, being methodical for once. Then she shrugged. “But he’s a bunny. What would he know about these things?”

“Hey.” The ponies looked and saw Rarity approaching them. “Was that Angel I just saw? He looked rather angry. Did something happen?”

“No, he was just hungry. So how did things go with Photo Finish?

Rarity bit her lip. “Well… you see…” Then she wailed. “I’m so sorry and ashamed.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, we weren’t really expecting Photo Finish to drop out anyway.”

“And worst of all, the Canterlot Elite know that I bought tickets for Deathmatch. My position as a pony of elegance and refined taste has been ruined.”

Twilight looked vaguely annoyed but decided it was best just to let Rarity have her moment of self-pity. It wasn’t as if she had come up with any better plans.

Pinkie suddenly bounced in between them all. “Is anypony else hungry? I’m going to get some lunch. Anypony else want some lunch?”

“I do!” Rainbow said, raising her hoof. After a moment, Applejack slowly raised her hoof as well.

“How can you three think of eating at a time like this, especially after what we’ve seen today?” Rarity complained.

“Well… it’s harder to think on an empty stomach,” Twilight said quietly while slowly raising her hoof. She remembered a time that seemed like ages before when she had tried to decide who to give her extra Gala ticket too, all while on an empty stomach. That had been quiet a bit different, but it had still taught her a lesson about eating three meals a day.

Rarity sighed. “Perhaps, but I can’t eat now. My poor tummy is already in enough knots.”

“Suit yourself. I’ll be right back.” Pinkie raced away.

“Well be in our seats,” Twilight called after her. “Fluttershy’s match will probably start soon.”

“Twi, are you sure there’s nothin’ else we can do but watch?” Applejack asked.

“I don’t really know. If we tried to stop the match, we would probably be thrown out. If Fluttershy has to be here, then I at least want to cheer her on.” Then she added quietly, “Even if it is for a bad cause.”

“Twilight’s right. Fluttershy needs a cheering section and who better than her friends. She cheered for me at the Best Young Fliers competition and I’m going to return the favor. Come on!” Rainbow Dash took to the air and raced for the main arena entrance.

“Dash wait! The last match is probably still in… progress.” Rainbow was already inside. Twilight and the others quickly ran inside where Rainbow Dash had her hooves planted firmly on the ground right in front of the door.

She turned around quietly. “That was not cool.”

Twilight gazed around her shoulder and immediately wanted to throw up. In the side of the ring was a pony who was tangled in the ropes, apparently having somehow been strangled with them. Apparently, Rainbow had just witnessed the last moments of whoever that pony was. The cheering in the crowd indicated that the victor had already been announced.

“My gosh…” Rarity uttered. “It’s Proudmane.” Indeed, the loser was the same pony Rarity had indicated when they first arrived on the island. His partner, whoever he was, was silently crying, possibly more upset about losing the tournament than losing his partner. “What a horrible way to… Oh my stars! Sapphire Shores?”

The pony of pop was waving at the crowd as her apparent partner picked up the broken pieces of some sort of stringed instrument.

“I can’t believe that Sapphire Shores is in the tournament. Who is that she’s teamed up with?”

“Hey! I know that beard,” Applejack said, pointing with her hoof. “That’s Yodel-lay-hee-hoo, the famous country music star.”

Twilight watched the two ponies strut out of the arena. “I guess his beard does look like Star Swirl’s.” Twilight shook her head. There were more important things to think about. “This is crazy. Everypony who is anypony is here. At the rate things are going I almost wouldn’t be surprised to see Princess Celestia walk out there.”

“Don’t even talk like that, Sugar-cube. If we start acceptin’ this, it’s all over for our sanity,” Applejack told her.

“I’m not so sure my sanity is in tact as it is.”

“Well as long as I don’t see anymore Photo Finishers, or ponies getting disemboweled or something, I think we’ll be good,” Dash put in.

Rarity held her stomach. “Please, I don’t know how much more my stomach can take today.”

“I got burritos!” Pinkie Pie announced, holding out an enormous tortilla that gushed with brown beans.

Rarity squeezed her stomach as Twilight silently accepted one. “Where did you get these from? You were only gone two minutes.”

“From the burrito stand.”

Twilight looked down at the ring where a small cart that apparently was selling burritos was situated. It hadn’t been there during the first round and was the oddest looking stand she had ever seen. It was decked out with all kinds of drab and otherwise unpleasant colors and even sported a knifepoint on top of the colorful umbrella. “Never mind, I’ve lost my appetite.” She handed the burrito to Rainbow Dash who started munching on it right away.

“Any food if it helps me forget what I just saw.” Dash stuffed the whole thing in her mouth and practically swallowed it.

“You’re doing this on purpose just because you know my stomach is queasy right now,” Rarity wailed.

“Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouted, partially pounding Dash on the back and almost making her choke. “Fluttershy’s match is starting!”

“Well folks, Round 1 was filled with thrills, spills, and most of all, improbable deaths,” Johnny Gomez announced.

“We’ve seen the best of the best go up against the worst of the worst and then some, and already we’ve cut our teams in half, some of them quite literally.”

“But now begins Round 2, where our first match participants have already entered the ring. In the blue corner, we have Photo Finish and Fluttershy!” As Johnny finished announcing the two, the crowd cheered.

Nick waited for the cheers to die down a little before making his own announcement. “And in the red corner, their opponents, Prince Blueblood and Fancy Pants!” Some of the crowd cheered. “I never get to announce the popular ones.”

“Maybe next time, Nick.”

Down in the ring, Photo Finish psyched herself up while Fluttershy just wanted to lie down. Millhouse was apparently talking to someone on the microphone attached to his ear, so the match wasn’t starting yet.

Finished pumping herself up, Photo Finish gave Fluttershy her usual pep talk. “This is going to be a synch, Fluttershy. Same ting as last time, I’ll go in first and then you finish him off.”

“But not with a song,” Fluttershy said downheartedly.

“Yeeeees. Now you’re getting it.” Photo happily started to squeeze in between the ropes, but Millhouse suddenly stopped them.

“Hold up there, Photo Finish. It’s Fluttershy’s turn to start in the ring.”

“Huh? Me?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“What’s de meaning of dis? Where does it say dat in de rules?” Photo demanded.

Millhouse held his hooves up for silence though there was little need. All eyes were already on him. “A new rule was just passed down from the Chairman. From here on out, team members will switch starters in every match. As such, because Photo Finish and Fancy Pants started in the first round, Fluttershy and Prince Blueblood must start in this round. And no tagging out until the match has been going on for at least fifteen seconds.”

“I… have to start…?” Fluttershy looked as if she were about to faint.

“I protest. I don’t want to get my hooves dirty so early,” Blueblood complained.

“Those are the new rules, or do you really want to take it up with the Chairman?” Millhouse pointed to a box seat on the west side of the ring. Priggish Mercedes waved and a medium sized dragon behind her flashed a smile.

“I’m good.” Blueblood waved back.

“Okay… new plan!” Photo Finish held her hoof up. “You go in first and then I, Photo Finish, will finish him off.”

“That’s not a plan,” Fluttershy complained.

“Vhat’s so wrong about it? It’s fool proof.”

Fluttershy stared. “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing, do you?”

“Vhat are you talking about? I plan to win.” Fluttershy shivered.

“Hey, come on. We have to get this thing started. We have to finish this round today,” Millhouse said, pointing at his watch. Fluttershy gulped and silently walked into the ring opposite Blueblood. “All right you knuckleheads, I want a good clean fight. All spilt blood is to be directed away from my dry-cleaned shirt. Now let’s get it on!” The bell rang and the fight began.

Fluttershy stood there. Blueblood stood there.

“I said let’s get it on!”

Blueblood cleared his throat and acted as if he had been standing there intentionally. “Come on. Are you going to do something? I dare you.” He threw out his chest and patted it with one hoof.

Fluttershy gulped again and thought about it. “Well, if you say it’s all right. Rarity did give me her blessing.”

“Rarity? Why does that name sound familiar? Ooooowwwwwwwwcccchh!”

“Look at that, Johnny! Fluttershy actually bit Blueblood.”

“Not bit, Nick. She’s still biting him, right in the leg. And it looks like Blueblood is too shocked to retaliate.”

Abruptly, Millhouse jumped in between them and pried Fluttershy off. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Illegal move. That’s your first warning Fluttershy. I’m not going to have biting in my ring.”

“What!?” Rarity screamed from the audience. “You let ponies shove cameras down each other’s throats and ram railroad spikes in their heads, but you don’t allow biting!? You reek, ref!”

“Can it, missy, or you’ll be in this ring next.”

“Oh ho! You’d like that wouldn’t you!?”

“Rarity!” Twilight shouted. “What are you doing?”

Rarity blushed and sheepishly sat down. “Sorry, darling. I was in the moment as it were.”

“When the heck did somepony shove a railroad spike into some other ponies head?” Rainbow quietly asked Applejack.

“No idea.”

Back in the ring, Blueblood sobbed and retreated to his corner. “She bit me! She bit my beautiful hoof. She might have even ruined my hoofacureand given me rabies.”

“I see.” Fancy Pants seemed rather confused by the prince’s complaint. “It’s been more than fifteen seconds. Shall we switch then?”

“Yes,” Blueblood wailed and held his hoof out. Fancy Pants tagged it, causing the prince to squirm and yelp, “Ouchie,” in reply.

“And Fancy Pants has tagged in, Johnny. What a pathetic performance by the prince.”

“I dread the day he ever rules Equestria, Nick.”

“Shut up! I’ll have you punished for those remarks!” Blueblood shouted at them.

“Good thing we’re all the way up here and under the payroll of Deathmatch, eh Johnny.”

“That’s right, Nick.”

Blueblood appeared both hurt and sour, but no one in the audience really cared. There was a much more important fight about to start in the ring.

Fluttershy gulped yet again, realizing that she was going to have to fight for once. She looked back at Photo Finish but she waved her hoof, signaling Fluttershy to stay in there. The yellow pegasus slowly turned back to her new opponent.

Fancy Pants approached the quivering Fluttershy with an air of confidence, but at the same time, a hint of confusion. “I say, ever since this match started I have the distinct feeling that I’ve seen you somewhere outside the magazines. Have we met before?”

“Well… there was the garden party…,” she said softly.

“Garden party…?” Almost immediately, his eyes lit up. “That’s it! Oh, where is my head and my manners? How could I forget? Fluttershy. You are the same Fluttershy I met at the garden party. Rarity’s friend, right?” Fluttershy nodded. “I must be blind. I had no idea that you were the same mare. Rarity always does know the most important ponies.”

“I’m not really important or anything. I didn’t even want to be a model truthfully.”

“You don’t say. Fascinating. A career forced upon you by your parents, I would guess.”

“No.” Fluttershy looked back at her partner. “Somepony else.”

“Hey!” Millhouse interrupted. “This isn’t a social event, it’s a fight to the death. We still have plenty of other fights to get to, so chat on your own time. Now let’s get it on already!”

“But she’s a friend of my favorite party guest. I can’t possibly harm her.”

“And I never wanted to fight in the first place,” Fluttershy whined.

“Of all the…” Prince Blueblood stomped on the ground. “Get on with it!”

“Fluttershy, hurry up and kick dat aristocrat’s block off!” Photo commanded.

“I refuse to fight,” Fancy Pants answered.

“Me too,” Fluttershy said with surprising conviction.

“This is a tournament. We can’t end in a draw. There has to be a winner,” Millhouse argued.

“Well in that case, I forfeit,” Fancy Pants said.

“What!? No!” Blueblood yelled, holding his hoof out. “We don’t forfeit! Tag me in!”

“You can’t forfeit either,” Millhouse continued. “You two signed a contract to give our audience a fight and that’s exactly what you have to give them.” Both Fancy Pants and Fluttershy shook their heads.

“I can’t believe this, Johnny. This hasn’t happened in a long time.”

“Very true, Nick, but you know what this means.” The crowd suddenly cheered.

“What’s going on?” Twilight worried.

“Sorry kiddies, but nopony can leave this ring till somepony kills somepony. This just means we’ll have to bring out the incentive.” Millhouse pulled out a tiny remote from his shirt pocket.

“Incentive?” the two combatants asked at the same time. Millhouse pressed the sole button on the remote and a strange sound erupted from the ceiling. Everypony looked up.

“What is that?” Rarity asked.

“I don’t like the look of that there doohickey.” Applejack cringed.

Abruptly, several ponies with cattle prods (why would that exist in Equestria?) rushed out and surrounded the ring.

“Nopony leaves till somepony get’s killed. If you don’t fight, then that will make sure someone dies,” Millhouse said with conviction. As the light rigging above them separated and moved out of the way, a giant fan blade swirled at the speed of a helicopter and slowly descended downwards.

“There it is, Nick! The Fan of Fandemonium! We haven’t seen this thing in action since our very first season.”

“Didn’t it break last time?” Nick asked.

“Oh, right. They couldn’t turn it off and the winner of the match… oh right… Oh well. If you folks wanted to see some blood, I can pretty much guarantee it at this point. Those razor sharp blades are going to lower until we have a winner.”

“The bottom line, Johnny, if somepony doesn’t win, everypony loses.”

“Everypony but the crowd and whoever dies last that is.”

Fluttershy shrieked and tried to gallop out of the ring, but one of the ponies with the cattle prods stopped her.

“Sorry, Fluttershy, but the only way out is either to win or tag out,” Millhouse informed her as he slipped out of the ring himself.

“Don’t tag me in!” Blueblood shouted, jumping down to the ground.

Fancy Pants looked up at the swirling blade of doom and scratched his chin. “Well… this is quite the predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into. I’m beginning to rethink my standing on this whole Celebrity Deathmatch thing. I don’t think I shall be returning any time soon.”

Fluttershy ran around the ring looking for a way out, but the ponies with cattle prods were all around them, and she was too terrified to fly. She finally stopped, stared at the fan, and cringed, covering her head and cowering on the floor. Fancy Pants continued to look up at it.

“I don’t believe this, Johnny. Fluttershy and Fancy Pants are still not fighting each other. That kind of resolve is almost inspiring.”

“Inspiring only if you don’t enjoy the main point of Deathmatch, Nick. If they don’t make a move soon, then this will be the first match in Deathmatch history decided with no willing participants. It could come down to a call from Millhouse.”

“But can their partners take that kind of chance, Johnny?”

“Oh fine! If you’re not going to do it!” Photo shouted and extended her hoof. “Tag me in, Fluttershy! I’ll finish him off right now!”

Fluttershy looked between her and the giant fan, tears clearly flowing down her face. “I… I can’t!”

“Vhat? Vhat do you mean you can’t?”

“I just can’t!” Fluttershy didn’t budge, staying directly in the middle of the ring next to Fancy Pants who was still watching the fan blades. The tall unicorn suddenly smiled.

“I say, Fluttershy, I think I’ve figured a way out of this problem.” Fluttershy looked at him with a face that was hopeful, but also showed that she thought he was crazy.

Fancy Pant’s horn lit up and he aimed at the fan.

“What is he doing, Johnny?”

“I think Fancy Pants is trying to stop the fan with his unicorn magic.”

Indeed, Fancy Pants licked his lips as he tried to find some kind of off switch for the fan. All eyes stayed on him as he continued to work and the fan grew ever closer. It was already too low for Fluttershy to safely fly away even if she had the courage too. For almost a full minute, he tried and it was as if the whole audience was holding their breath. Pinkie Pie actually fell over from holding hers too long.

“For nothing actually going on, Nick, I have to say, this is quite intense.”

“I’m sweating like a pig in the middle of timber wolves, Johnny.”

Fancy Pant’s attempt to turn it off didn’t seem to be working. However, he was making the whole thing shake from side to side. “Uh… I think maybe…” Fancy Pants jerked the fan even harder than his previous attempts and abruptly the fan rocked to one side and fell. Rather than falling straight onto the ring, it flew directly into the red corner. Blueblood screamed like a filly as it fell right on top of him. In an instant, he was no more. “Oopsy…” Fancy Pants uttered, staring at the carnage.

Oopsy indeed. Not only had the fan fallen on the not so fair prince, but it had fallen on a portion of the stands too, taking out a number of the audience. As it happened, the pony sitting right next to Twilight Sparkle was chopped up in the blade, leaving the unicorn cringing as visions of her life flashed before her eyes. She barely registered the blood that splattered over her, or the fact that she would have died had she been sitting even half a foot closer to that side. She did faint however, as her friends tried to keep their lunch down.

“Huh… wasn’t expecting that,” Millhouse said rather calmly. “Well… getting killed by your own teammate counts I guess, so… Fluttershy and Photo Finish are the winners!”

The bell rang and everypony in the audience, who wasn’t dead, cheered.

“This is the! Grossest! Possible! Thing!” Rarity cried and then vomited for the second time that day.