Consoles vs. PC (Princess Edition)
Celestia entered Luna's room, exhausted from the eight hours she had to sit through the courtroom. All she did was listen to idiotic excuses about why some engineer had to earn higher wages just because he caught some colts stealing from him. To Celestia, it was an incredibly grey day.
Of course, Princess Luna was relaxing on her couch, a heavy Turtle Beach headset around her head. Her face was wired, she was gritting her teeth, and her horn was glowing while holding a PlayStation controller in the air.
"Damn it!" cried Luna. "Why are these enemies so hard to kill? I've already upgraded my weapon, like, twice! This makes no sense!"
"Err, Luna?" said Celestia as she approached her sister. Luna telekinetically slapped the pause button and turned to Celestia.
"Hello there, Tia," she said. "Have you endured yet another round of boring court today?"
"Yes, dear sister," said Celestia. "Some engineer pony thought he should have earned double the money he had already earned just because two colts stole a leaf-blower of his."
"Really? Why would that be?"
"Who knows." Celestia let out a long but quiet sigh. "Still, now I can relax. So, do you want to do some gaming today? After the day I've been having, it'd be nice to unwind with some multiplayer. You up for it, Luna?"
"To be honest, I sure could do with another player. These A.I.s are just unfairly programmed!"
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Right... Well then, let us head downstairs first. Since Princess Cadence is visiting, we should ask if she'd like to play."
"Wait, Cadence is here?" Luna tilted her head as Celestia nodded. "Well then... I suppose that'd be a good idea. Sure! Let's have her join us."
The two princesses headed down a hallway and turned into the castle's living room, where a long rectangular table was placed, surrounded by gleaming windows. There waited Cadence, seated on the top-center.
And there came both princesses who each greeted Cadence with a smile.
"Oh, hello there, auntie Celestia and auntie Luna!" said Cadence, beaming. "It's so nice to finally see you two again." She then rolled her eyes as Celestia and Luna sat at her sides. "Trust me, I love my Shining Armor, but he's been getting pretty... boring in bed, if you know what I mean."
"At least you get to have fun in a bed," muttered Luna quietly. Celestia kicked Luna's groin from under the table, causing her to yelp. "Ah, I mean it's great to have you here!" She chuckled nervously then stared at Celestia with fiery eyes.
"Anyway," said Celestia in a brightened tone, "we were wondering if you'd like to play some video games with us. You know, just for a little virtual reality fun, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, great!" said Cadence. "Sounds like fun. But wait, which platform are we going to play on?" There was a one-second pause, then Celestia, Luna, and Cadence all gasped.
"PC~Xbox and PlayStation~Wii U!" They all said simultaneously. There was an awkward break afterwards, before Luna burst into a quick yet loud laughter.
"Oh, that's a good one, Tia and Cadence," said Luna, followed by an inward giggle. She waved both of her hooves dramatically and altered her tone into that of mockery. "PC or Wii U! Ha, but we all know the Xbox and PlayStation are the true gaming platforms."
While Cadence stood still in her seat with half of her lip downwards, it was Celestia's turn to laugh. "Please, dear sister, how are those silly consoles of yours better than a PC? Please enlighten me."
"Gladly," said Luna with a smirk. "Consoles are just now moving into 1080p. We got 30 frames per second, with Halo: The Master Chief Collection coming around at 60. It's also really fast. I have multiple controllers, and—"
But Celestia let out an even louder laugh than before. This time, she dramatically waved her hooves and jeered towards Luna. "Oh sure, that's so great! I remember when PCs were still stuck at 1080p." She leaned in closer. "But that was about 200 years ago. My PC can run games at 4,000 pixels and 120 frames per second. It also has three monitors and more exclusives than all of your peasant consoles combined."
Luna, however, had a grey shadow grow over her face. Her left eye twitched as she began to growl. "What did you say!" she cried. "Peasant consoles? The Xbox far outshines your stupid PC in terms of exclusives, and the PlayStation has way better features!"
Celestia rose from her seat and walked about, clicking her tongue. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor Luna—you will never understand the true capabilities of the PC Master Race. What a shame your mind is trapped in just a mere 720p."
"That's only a few games," argued Luna, who also rose up. "Some are doing 1080p, like—"
"And can you even reach 1440p yet?" Celestia asked with a devilish grin. Luna lowered her head and groaned in annoyance. "What about mods?" Celestia continued. "Your consoles aren't even good enough to have those."
"What about the Wii U?" interjected Cadence. Both Luna and Celestia stared at the her with one raised eyebrow each. "Um, well, you know?" Cadence shrugged. "The Wii has Mario and The Legend of Zelda, and it's more for families, like we are." She smiled, though her happy demeanor died down as the moment lasted.
"Pff, please," said Luna. "The Wii can hardly compare with the almighty Xbox and PlayStation. The Wii is just for kids."
"Like you?" said Celestia. Luna gritted her teeth and groaned, louder than was necessary. She ran up to her sister, both of their muzzles touching one another.
"How are consoles for kids?" cried Luna. "Sure, some kids do play them, but it's way better in terms of gameplay! The PC community consists of a bunch of irrational PC elitist twats."
Celestia was taken aback, one of her eyebrows twitching. "PC communities aren't like that!" she said hotly. "Besides, Xbox communities are just a bunch of 12 year old colts."
"At least we have the better first person shooters," said Luna. "Games like Rainbow Six Vegas, Killzone, and Halo are the best, and a controller is far more relaxing to use, and it takes more skill."
"Psh! A mouse and keyboard will always be superior to a controller. Don't be so ignorant, Luna."
A figurative thin line of electricity connected each of the princess' eyes to one another; and as Luna blew steam, Celestia drew back and patted Luna on the head. "Why am I not surprised?" said Celestia. "Of course my inexperienced little sister would go for some peasantry gaming platforms. Not only is the mouse and keyboard more accurate in first person shooters, they are far more complex and take greater knowledge to master. For a controller, it's impossible to pop head-shots with freaking joysticks and colorful buttons!"
"Of course you'd say that, you spoiled graphics whore," said Luna in a grim tone. Celestia's eyebrows creased inwardly as her nostrils flared.
"I'm a spoiled graphics whore? At least the PC Master Race is advancing in gaming, while you console players are holding our progression back."
"How art thou held aback by our consoles!" Luna yelled, nearly using the Royal Canterlot Voice.
"Uh, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?" said Cadence quietly, looking about with shrunken pupils. The massive living room had darkened, like a black shadow was draped over the ponies. Cadence could still see a glowing sun through the windows, but the light was hardly reaching her. Both Celestia's and Luna's shadows wagged against the wall, and their voices kept increasing in frustration.
"Don't be so stupid, Luna!" cried Celestia. "The PC Master Race has much more freedom, with incredibly cheap games from Steam and infinitely better hardware!"
"Stop saying PC Master Race!" cried Luna, louder than her sister just had. "It's a stupid term used by stupid ponies who think the PC is the best gaming platform. The Xbox has way better online, and Halo is the greatest first person shooter to ever be made!"
"Counter Strike and Team Fortress 2 are way better! Besides, not only do we get free mods, we get upgrades, online is for free—unlike the paid-for online you have for Xbox Live—and we can also emulate games."
"At least we don't have a million patches everyday! And what happens if your game doesn't work on your super-expensive PC? Consoles are made ready, with better online, better games, and ease of use."
"What about the Wii?" said Cadence, jumping in between the two princesses. "It has really good exclusives like Wii Sports and—"
"Shut up, Cadence!" cried both Celestia and Luna simultaneously.
Cadence slowly backed up with widened eyes. "Okay then..." she said to herself. "Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea after all."
Back to Celestia and Luna! The two princesses each had an idea as a figurative light-bulb appeared over both of their heads. Celestia let out a sly grin, and Luna smirked as she lowered her head and gazed upwards.
"Why don't we have a competition, hmm?" said Celestia. "We'll get the most unbiased judge we can find, and he or she will decide which one is better in terms of hardware, games, features, and playability. Are you up for it, dear sister?"
Luna, however, seemed hesitant. She danced her eyes about the room, humming and thinking carefully. She had never beaten her sister in any contest; even over 1,000 years ago, she could never match her. "Well, I'm not too sure, Tia. I mean, maybe PCs do have their advantages, but consoles are way better in terms of—"
"What's the matter, Luna?" Celestia said in deliberate slowness. "Are you... chicken? Like always..."
"I have had enough!" Luna's voice boomed over the living room, causing the chandelier on the ceiling to shake dramatically. "We will prove to thee that thine PC is far inferior to consoles!"
Celestia laughed long but quietly to herself. "Hmm, good."
In the background, Cadence groaned and said to herself: "Why can't we all just play the Wii?"
* * *
"Alright, Luna, are you ready to see why PC gamers are the glorious Master Race?" said Celestia.
What a stupid name. "Ha, we shall show you why consoles are the definitive gaming platforms!" said Luna.
The two princesses stood next to each other, eyes transfixed on what was before them. To the right was a 60-inch high definition television and an Xbox hooked up next to it; and to the left was a wooden table, a computer under it consisting of glowing lights, spinning fans, and other complicated stuff only PC gamers take the time to care about, and on top were three large monitors, attached to one another. Hanging from the ceiling were white signs; each hung down loosely by ropes and balanced over the two systems. The left sign read "PC", while the right read "Console".
"Alright then," Celestia started. "Twilight, you will be our judge."
"Uh, Princess?" said Twilight as her head popped out from behind the television. "Is this really necessary? I mean, I'm not too experienced in gaming systems, so maybe I'm not the best pony to judge."
"Don't be silly," said Celestia, followed by a proud smile. "Of course you will judge. After all, faithful student, it is just to show Princess Luna here why the PC will always be the best."
"Of course. That's why the best gaming platform is easily hackable and far too convoluted to be enjoyed by real gamers," said Luna.
"That's it!" said Celestia. "Twilight, get ready for the first round."
"Err, sure," said Twilight, slightly confused. She wandered to and in between the two princesses and lit her horn. "First round: hardware capabilities." With a flick of magic, the two systems turned on, and a large mech appeared on both screens, and it read "Call of Dutyl".
The PC immediately went to the start-up menu, whereas the Xbox took two more seconds to fully start. Then, the two games began, showing off gaming footage on both sides. Not only was the PC version of Call of Duty slightly prettier in terms of shadow effects and textures, the recorded player on the PC screen was pulling off head-shots much more fluidly than its console counterpart.
"And the first round goes to Celestia!" said Twilight. "The PC not only has slightly better graphics, its controlling of the player is a little bit smoother."
"Hmm, well, this round obviously goes to me," said Celestia in a haughty tone. She then turned to Luna. "Ready to give up, Lulu? There's no way your peasant console can beat the glorious PC Master Race."
"Whatever!" huffed Luna. "The contest is not over! We shall see who wins. Twilight, next round!"
"Can't we just call it a draw and play both systems?" said Twilight wearily.
"Next round!" both of the princesses cried simultaneously.
"Alright, alright. Jeez." She typed in several buttons on the keyboard and controller. "Next round is features, I guess."
The PC monitors exploded with tons of different Steam sales, mods for download, and various other PC sites, as well as option settings for games and a big red sign saying "FREEDOM". The console screen, however, remained on the dashboard with just a few game sales and media modules. Nothing much else.
"Since the PC has mods, more sales, and in general, more things to do and see," said Twilight, "I suppose Celestia wins this round as well."
"Damn it!" cried Luna. "Whose side are you on, Twilight?"
"She's on the logical and obvious side, Luna," said Celestia with a smirk. "Now the next round: the games!"
"Ha, that's an easy one," said Luna. "Of course Twilight wouldn't be stupid enough to choose the PC again."
"I'm right here, you know!" said Twilight in annoyance, waving a hoof dramatically.
Ignoring her, Luna said, "The console games are of much better quality. We have games like Halo, Uncharted, Gears of War, God of War, Killzone, Infamous, Destiny, Little Big Planet, and the list goes on and on."
"Pff, is that all you've got, dear sister?" said Celestia. An unraveled scroll appeared in a flash of golden light, and on it was a long list of PC exclusives. "There are hundreds of them, even thousands. How many do the consoles have?"
Luna gritted her teeth as her face burned from within.
"Hmm, I see..." said Twilight, rubbing a hoof under her chin as she examined the list. "PCs do have more exclusives. A lot more, actually."
"Hah!" laughed Celestia as she stood tall and proud.
"However, since I've never played any of these games," Twilight continued, "I can't really judge. This round is a tie!"
"Damn it!" cried Celestia. "Whose side are you on, Twilight?"
"Sorry, princess," said Twilight, "but you're still winning, you know?"
Celestia huffed and looked towards her sister. "Well, Luna, it seems this round is a draw. Still, we all know PC games are of higher quality. That's practically a fact."
"Whatever you say," Luna mused. "Console games will always be superior in gameplay and storytelling."
"Anyway!" said Celestia in a loudly mocking tone. "Twilight, next round: playability."
"Well," Twilight started, "judging from the first round, the playability of the PC is smoother, and—"
"Aaaaaaaand!" interrupted Celestia in the same tone as her previous one. "The mouse and keyboard is more accurate than a controller, it's a lot more backwards compatible, it's easier to repair, the downloads are better, you can—"
In pure annoyance, Luna charged her horn, aiming directly at the complex-looking computer and its three monitors, and let loose a dark-blue blast of magic. On impact, the entirety of the PC blew up, vaporized into ash. Twilight yelped and jumped back, and Celestia's jaw hit the floor as her right eye twitched vigorously.
"What's the matter?" said Luna playfully. "You just said your 120 frames per second, 4k PC was easy to repair. Let's see you prove it."
"You... you," stammered Celestia. "You total bitch! I'll kill you!" And she pounced on Luna. The two princesses began to punch and kick each other, before emitting a small cloud of smoke with lots of yelling.
"Oooooookay then," said Twilight, taking slow steps back.
"That's enough!" cried a voice from the giant front door. Both princesses ceased their roughhousing and looked to where the voice had come from. There stood Cadence with a stern demeanor. Both Celestia and Luna, bearing bruises and scratches all over their bodies and faces, watched as Cadence made her way towards them. "Honestly, all this fighting over what is the best gaming system?"
Celestia sighed and stood up. "Well, I can always get a brand new one any day of the week." She then turned to Luna. "Luna, I'm sorry this had to happen. I guess both PCs and consoles have their pros and cons. I'd like to apologize for being so mean to my own sister."
Luna too sighed and said, "Yes, you are right. And I'm sorry for destroying your gaming PC. I guess I let my temper get the best of me."
"Don't worry about it," said Celestia in a much more brightened tone. "We'll always be the best of sisters, and more importantly, the best of friends."
Both Celestia and Luna closed the gap between them in a firm hug, the two smiling that they had finally put their differences aside. However, as they separated, Cadence said: "Great! Now that we're all friends again, we can all play the Wii!" Using her magic, she pulled out from behind her a white Wii covered in its own wiring, four controllers, and a copy of Mario Party 8. All eyes, including Twilight's, stared at her for half a minute. "What?"
* * *
"Damn it, Luna, you stole my coins!" cried Celestia as she furiously wagged her controller in the air with her magic.
"Ha, you wish!" said Luna. "I have beaten you in every single mini-game so far. Now we know who the real gamer is!"
As Celestia and Luna argued about the stolen coins, Cadence turned to Twilight. "Hey," said Cadence, "it's nice to spend some time with my sister-in-law, even if our time so far has been rather... ridiculous."
Twilight giggled. "Yeah," she said. "It's nice that we're all here together, enjoying a game. I guess the Wii wins the contest for best gaming platform."
