I don't really know what to do, I feel incredibly happy but I should I be?
My boyfriend and I broke up and as soon as it happend I could not of felt happier. After the way he has treated me and taken me for granted, why wouldn't I be happy?
He was always putting me down and put me in awkward situtions for instance he acts so werid now. Half the time he is flirting with me and the other half he
hates my guts, I really do not understand men... Even though I do go on dates time to time I am not really attacted to anyone, I may be too picky but in all honesty I dont want/need much. All I want is to be able to be with someone that just wants to be with me, I dont want to go on dates every week hell, I dont even want to talk everyday. I believe that I have come so far since my last relationship. I can stop myself from having panic attacks, I don't get anxiety and futhermore I'm happy everyday. Nothing really gets me down, well except my friends. I have a few friends that I would call "best friends" but I don't feel loved and appericated by them. I'm grateful that they worry about me (that's amazing in itself) and quite frankly I'm grateful for everything. I don't really need anything, I believe that just that them being my friends and talking to me is an gift in itself however, I don't think they realise how miserable I feel when I'm around them. I do a lot for them and I am more than happy to do that but I don't feel included or part of the group. They take it for granted that I'm there and don't full understand my feelings at all. Especially my ex (Solstice Morning) I don't even think he realises the damage he has done to me. I am perfectly ok with the break up, I really do wish it was for the best. It wasnt working out for either of us but in saying that giving me mixed signals doesnt just damage me but the whole group. Hell, they were more confused than I was and if I couldnt comperhand it how could they be expected to? Sigh... Males are funny creatures I've been considering trying to be a better person but I really dont know how. I study at least 4-5 hours a day, I keep my room clean and I still have a social life. I don't really have any problems but I do get bullied quite a lot but I try not to think about it. I like to think that I have it much better than others and trust me I do but when I do things for my friends I always have these thoughts "maybe all I've done maybe its all been for nothing" I don't know maybe I just dont see it. It also doesnt help right now that six males want to go out with me and are not giving up, although I admire the determination the one male I want to be with this doesnt even know how much I care for him... Even getting kicked out of my house wasnt too bad even though I have to keep quiet as too where I live, although I really don't mind that much its small price to pay. All I have to do is pay my way in rent and do the cooking and I'm set. I think I need to go back soon I don't know what has happend with my sister, even if she believes its my fault I should try and.... What can I do and why am I still smiling??!!!
I mean for fuck sakes my dad called me a disgrace and that I should just kill myself why would someone smile at that? Maybe thats my way with dealing with things its probably why I didnt care when my boyfriend and I broke up not to mention I was praying for it to end. He told me Im naive and that I'm an attention seeker and if thats what he thinks of me, so be it. I really wish I was noticed more though after all this work I do its like it accounts for nothing even my parents say to work harder and a B isnt good enough. I guess I want to feel valued and appericated. I also wish my ex would be more honest with me because I have no idea whats hes doing from the way he acts it makes me want to punch him in the face or just tell him to fuck off, sometimes he really is the worst. Why cant people be honest with how they feel and talk about it, I can only imagine whats going on in his head and I wish that I had different friends or in actual fact I wish my out of school friends were my in school friends because I feel as if I'm not wanted and not needed. I think I'm going to distance myself from them besides who really cares anyways? Its my birthday next week will anyone will remember because in all honesty I really dont care about it. I dont really need anything aslong as I have a roof over my head and food eat I'm grateful for anything. Then when I say things like that it comes off as false modesty which is great considering I'm telling the truth with all my heart, I just dont understand certain things as to why people are so selfish. I love the feeling of taking care of someone and try to trying to do something to make them feel better it feels me with so much joy and i cannot think of a better thing than that.
