Chapters "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to muffins." -Humble Pie.
The city of Canterlot was quiet at this time of night, with the citizens asleep in their posh beds on this, a cold and damp winter night. Foals dreamed of the night princess Luna playing tag with them, while the mares and stallions would cuddle with their loved ones in sheets of rest. Tonight was different however, for tonight in the streets below the two ruler’s castle was a lone figure standing in a dark alley next to a tall, old office building. The figure was an earth pony stallion that had a swampy green overcoat what partly hid his scarred muzzle along with his boxing cutie mark.
"Damn it!" said the figure. "Why is it so cold!? And where is that idiot?" he grunted as he rubbed his hooves together. "If he isn’t here in five minutes, I'm gonna kick his ass all the way to the Crystal Empire!"
As if it had heard the threat of said ass kicking another figure dashed from across the street to the dark, damp alleyway. The new figure, who was shown to be a bright yellow unicorn stallion, was panting for breath as he approached the stallion waiting for him. He had on him a grey sweater and on his right eye was covered by a eye patch.
"Sorry I'm late, Stale," the unicorn panted in a low voice. "The streets were full of guar—" the unicorn was interrupted by a violent slap. "Oww! What the hell was that for!" he quietly bellowed as he gently rubbed his cheek.
"For being bucking late! You realize how much trouble we will get in if we are caught?" shouted Stale. "And not just by the guards."
"Sheesh. Sorry, your highness," the unicorn sarcastically replied. "So, where’s the boss, anyway?"
"Inside, you dolt. Now come on, Lemon! I’m about to freeze my bloody shaft off," The shivering stallion muttered.
After they entered the building through an alley door the two looked at the design. The building's interior was old, yet it was also kept clean, like a renewed painting. Lemon Squeeze and Stale Crumbs then climbed into an elevator with a night attendant who wore a blue valet uniform.
"Which floor?" questioned the attendant.
"Top," Crumb curtly replied.
The pair hurried through the opening gates into a dimly lit hallway with dark red carpet covered in fluers. Eventually, they reached a single door at the end of the hallway, a tall minotaur was standing guard, he wore a sports jacket, and a set of dark tortoiseshell glasses that reflected the hallway’s dim light sat upon his nose.
The two stallions stopped in front of the beast and calmly looked up at him expectantly.
"You supposed to be here?" the unamused minotaur grumbled condescendingly.
"We have business with the boss, now move," Crumbs snapped.
The minotaur smirked at the stallions as he glared at them. “Password?”
"Blueberry," Lemon stated, ignoring the absurdity of the password.
The minotaur did not try to hide his disappointment as he pushed the door open. “Well, get in there.”
The two stallions walked into a bright crescent room and towards a secretary desk in the middle. A mare with an emerald green mane typed on an old fashioned typewriter. She wore glasses that were shaped as a cheesy sunrise.
The room reeked of liquid soap residue left by past visitor's bubble pipes. There was also a comfortable-looking couch sitting on the right side of the room under a painting. The painting was of a seapony that layed on the rocky shore, looking at a faraway mountain like she wanted to climb it. Slowly, Stale approached the desk before clearing his throat and politely saying, “Excuse me miss,” to the mare.
Looking up to the source of the voice, the mare saw the two stallions in the dim lighting of the room. With a shake of the head to wake herself up, she replied in a Manehattan accent, "Is there something you require, gentlecolts?"
"We’re here to see Mr. Pike, our names our Lemon Squeeze and Stale Crumbs," said Lemon nervously.
"Let me see here," said the mare. They watched as the mare pulled a hidden panel off of the bottom of the desk. On it was what appeared to be a list of names. Scanning the list with one of her hooves, she stopped near the bottom at two names. Tapping them, she finally said, "Ah yes, here you are. If you could just sit over there for a moment, Mr. Pike will see you in a moment.”
"Of course madam," said Crumbs to the mare. As Stale trotted towards one of the benches he noticed that Lemon was covered in a thin layer of sweat. "Calm down man, it's just a room," Stale said to Lemon.
"Sorry, I'm just worried is all," replied Lemon. "I've heard of this guy , they say he is well connected.” The stallion shivered before whispering, “There are even rumors that is he has connections in the Royal Court."
"Well don't wor—" Stales began, but stopped as he heard the door burst open. A brown-coated stallion walked out of the room. His cutie mark was a dollar sign. His blue suit was perfectly accented by the silver streak flowing through his black mane.
"So remember, Rich, don't forget to contact me when you see him," said a stern voice with exotic, elder like tone from behind the door.
"Yes, Mr. Pike, but I still don't understand why you wish to meet Miss A—" Filthy began to reply, but was cut off.
"You just worry about getting my employees an autograph with her and I'll take care of the rest," the voice interrupted Filthy.
"Alright, Mr. Pike. Goodnight, sir," replied Filthy before leaving the room.
"Mr. Pike, sir, your 1:55s have arrived," the mare said to the voice.
"Thank you, Typo, my dear. Ah! My friends, come in, come in!"
"Mr. Pike sir, it is an honor to see you," said Crumbs while he and Lemon entered the room and closed the door.
The room they had entered was like an academy dean’s office, with carpeting that was most likely from Saddle Arabia. There were shelves lining the walls that were filled with books of foreign languages, and a interesting statue that appeared as a faceless elephant sitting on it’s rear was at the end of each shelf. In the back of the room was desk with a lamp of the spirit of chaos Discord on it. All in all, the room had an odd vibe to it, which was not helped by the stallion behind the desk: a tall, light yellow, elderly pegasus with a white slim mustache on his face and an equally white mane that was sitting forward like it was on the edge of its seat. He wore a dark blue jacket with a body suit resembling that of the wonderbolts, but this one was black with yellow arrows. A name plate identified the grandfather-like figure before them: Mr. Sunny Days Pike.
Seeing that his guests were uncomfortable, and being the polite old man that he was, Mr. Pike asked them to sit in two wooden chairs facing the desk. “Come sit down, my friends. Get comfortable.” Satisfied, Mr. Pike sat down in his more comfortable-looking velvet chair. "A pleasure to meet you Mr. Lemon and Mr. Crumbs. My contacts told me you two are some of the best for this job, is that correct?" asked Pike staring towards them.
"W-well, I wouldn't say the best, but you know we are good at what we do," stuttered Lemon.
"Hmmmm, now my friends, you do know why I asked for you to come here today, correct?” Mr. Pike questioned with a warm smile.
"Yes, sir, you want us find a certain stallion, correct?" replied Crumbs with an attentive look. "And ya want us to "persuade" him to come along with us, right?"
"Good, so you do know what you're doing. Yes, I do want you to find this stallion," said Mr. Pike handing them a picture. "This stallion is the key to drawing out our true target," Mr. Pike said with a grin.
"The true target?" asked Lemon.
Pike smirked as he said, "That's not important right now. I have others that will see to it.” His mouth then straightened. “Now, listen here closely: I require complete secrecy in this task I am giving you. There cannot be a single thread connecting me to you if this goes south, do you understand?"
The pair nodded in agreement.
"Mr. Pike, sir?" asked Lemon.
"Yes, lad?" replied PIke
"What’s our pay gonna be?” he said before being kicked by Crumbs. "Oww, what was that for?"
"It's rude," hissed Crumbs.
With a chuckle, Pike said, "It's alright lad. Do not worry, Mr. Lemon, you and Mr. Crumbs will rewarded quite handsomely after the job."
"Now listen, I have a meeting to attend in Manehattan. You are to bring the stallion to this location," Mr. Pike stated as he handed over a paper with coordinates on them. “I will send send another helper to take care of the fish we’re baiting.”
"Of course sir. Just one question before we go?" asked Crumbs.
"Yes?" asked Mr. Pike.
"What’s this bloke's name?"
The room felt as if the warmth was sucked from the very corner as Mr. Pike looked at them grimly and said, "This stallion’s name is—”
"Mr. Humble Pie!" a young stallion with a spiky mane and a very noticeable trottingham accent shouted to an older stallion sitting on a bench. The older stallion was writing in a book and had a similar physique to the young stallion, except this one was one was a bit older. The older stallion had a dark-grey coat on a skinny body, a light-grey tangled mane on top of him with a bushy, equally-grey mustache on his snout. His cutie mark was that of a pencil with a smiling and sad pony face. He wore a brown suit with a black tie, and had brown eyes under light grey eyebrows. Beside him was a huge male alligator with a blank look and eyes that looked like slits.
"Hello there my boy, what can I do for you?" asked Humble in a medium-deep voice.
"Oh, good! The innkeeper said you were here. Umm, well, uh, Mr. Humble," sweated the stallion. "Well, you see ,uhh, Mr. Humble I'm a f-fan," stuttered the stallion.
Humble chuckled at the stuttering stallion before saying, "Calm down friend. Here, come sit by me," and patted the space by his side.
"Well, that—thank you," stuttered the stallion before sitting next to Humble.
"Now, then seeing as you know me how, about you introduce yourself to the audience?" said Humble throwing a hoof in the air.
"Um, well, my name is Emerald Shine, Wait, what audience?" Emerald asked with a confused look on his face.
"Why, Slit, my alligator," replied Humble, as he took out his journal before pointing at Slit.
"Oh, hehe," chuckled Emerald nervously. "Well, sir, let me say its an honor to meet you and your gator."
"Well, it's an honor to be me, and Slit here is honored to be himself, too," said Humble, writing in his journal.
"Well, that’s good. Um, well, sir, I am a huge fan of your works," Emerald stuttered, still sweating like a Canterlot noble on a hot day.
"Ah! Well, there's something we have in common," said Humble. "I'm a fan of my works too, as is Slit here, is that not right boy," he said in a cheery tone to the alligator by his side.
"Well, sir, if it’s not too much trouble, I'd like to know what you think of my book," said Emerald, hoofing over a book with the title, "The Everfree Book".
"Well, I don't usually read other peoples’ works for review unless they ask, but… meh, why not?" Humble said with a shrug and turned to the first page. "I'm in a hurry, but I'll read the first chapter at least."
Giving the the first chapter a quick read, Humble said “Mmmmm.”
"So, what did you think?" questioned Emerald.
"Well, I found the idea of an orphaned colt being raised by timberwolves interesting," said Humble. "I liked it."
Emerald sighed with relief before saying, "Oh good. I thought that with your... you know, um..."
"Distaste of the jungles?" said Humble.
"Yeahhh," said Emerald rubbing his neck.
"Well, I've gotten over most of it, especially when my niece sent me some rare amaponian candy from the tribes there," said Humble.
"Well, thats nice," said Emerald "Who's your niece?"
"You might have heard of her name: Pinkamena Diane Pie," replied Humble.
Spitting out the tea he had been drinking, Emerald Shine looked at Humble with an amazed expression. "Your niece is the element of laughter!" yelled Emerald. "Oh sorry! I got tea on you!"
"That's alright, and eeyup," said Humble, going back to writing in his book. "She gets her sense of life's joys from me.” He wiped his snout of the spat tea.
"Wow,” said Emerald in a low tone. "So, uh, what are you writing there, anyway?"
Humble, looking up from his writing, looked at Emerald with a squint. "This here, my friend, is the sequel to my award winning book, "The Adventures of Con Colt" It’s called, "The Adventures of Straw Hat," He said, holding up a notebook with the same words written on it.
"Oh, can I hear a bit?" asked Emerald with an earnest look.
"Sure, I don't see why not," said Humble clearing his throat before starting to read.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 1
Old friends, New enemies.
"So, you wanna know how things went after that adventure Con Colt and I had with them diamond dogs. Well, after that escapade of ours, we received six thousand bits in gems from the dogs’ hoard. We were the richest ponies in the city of Haystake, but due to us being young enough not to have our cutie marks (which didn't matter to me in the slightest, on account of me being a dragon) the "honorable" Judge Hale Bail decided it would be best for us to receive a bit a day over the next six thousand days. Also, he decided to leave me in the care of the widow Miss Shovel post and her sister Silk Wagon. They both had grey and black manes, white coats, and wore matching green shirts.
Now, I ain't saying the two were bad folks, I'm just saying it ain't right for no old mare to make a boy my age civilised by making me wear tight fitting clothes and such. Eventually I had had enough of it and decided to run away. Well, at least that’s what I was gonna do ‘till Con told me if I stayed with the widow I could join a gang he was forming. So, after deciding to stay, I ran back to the widow. She cried over me and told me to put on clothes and shoes again.
This process happened for weeks, ‘till one day he came back. It was just a normal day when I had been coming back from the schoolhouse (another thing the widow forced me to attend, along with church) when I heard the voices of the widow, Judge Hale Bail, and an unknown one from inside the house of the widow. Thats when I saw him again.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Hello boy," my father said.
"Wow, so Straw Hat’s father returned?" asked Emerald to Humble.
"Eeyup," said Humble putting away the book. “To be honest the novel has been finished, I just need to get a new editor; my old one retired.”
"Huh. Well, I look forward to reading the novel when it comes out," said Emerald looking at his watch. " Well, Mr. Humble, I gotta go. It was a pleasure to meet you."
"The pleasure was mine," replied Humble shaking Emerald’s hoof. “And good luck with your novel.”
As Emerald left the train station, Humble heard a wailing whistle. Turning his head, he saw the train taking him to his niece.
"All Aboard!" yelled the conductor from the train.
"Well, this is our ride I guess, come along, Slit, heh," said Humble, straining to get up from his seat while Slit followed close by. Heading toward his train car, two figures watched him enter before entering themselves.
"I guess this our ride too, Lemon," said Crumbs, closing the cabin's door.
The crowd outside the castle of friendship was restless with excitement, Ponies of all races and other species as well, were gathered at the foot of the towering palace, all there to see the lavender colored alicorn be recognized as the world's most foremost scholar in the field of amazingness. Standing proudly on the balcony hovering above the celebrating crowd was the epicenter of the crowds attention, a smiling ear to ear and standing with utmost face Twilight was next to her family,friends the elements of harmony and the bowing princess of the fellow kingdoms along with a unicorn stallion with a wizard hat and bushy beard.
"Twilight Sparkle for your amazing contributions in the field of being amazing you are hereby granted the M.I.Ts highest academic honor in the field of amazingness, the right to have Celestia be your second mother, all the books in the universe, and a kiss by yours truly," said Starswirl the Bearded while stroking his beard on a the blushing Princess while the crowd below stamped and clapped loudly
“Thank you, Sir Starswirl," said Princess Twilight with a nod to the elderly wizard.
"And furthermore, we have good news for you. Princess Celestia and Luna are announcing their retirement and we are giving you Equestria, my queen!" bellowed Starswirl before bowing down. As he did the crowd followed in suit, along with her friends/the elements of harmony, her family, and the princesses with smiles on their faces. Twilight was dumbfounded and could only express her emotions tumbling in her in one way.
"Squee!" squeaked Twilight. "Thank you so much everypony, my first rule as queen of Equestria is too make it illegal to mishandle books!"
"YAY!" shouted the crowd.
“And it will be punishable by six years in Tartarus,” said a grinning Twilight.
“Yay! Again!” shouted the crowd.
Waving at the crowd, Twilight felt the presence of hooves and claws of her friends and family, picking up her and throwing her into the air while chanting her name.
“Twilight!”
“Twilight!”
“Thank you everypony, thank you, yes I do deserve this!” Shouted a laughing Twilight in the air.
“Twilight!”
“Twilight!”
“Twilight!” shouted an average (if possible) Pinkie Pie to a still sleeping Twilight Sparkle.
“Thank you everypony, now let me tell you about my plans for the new library system…”
“TWILIGHT!” shouted Pinkie thru a megaphone causing Twilight to spill over from her bed in a tumble of sheets and blankets.
“What the?!”asked a linen covered, sleepy eyed Twilight. ‚ÄúPinkie! What are you doing in my room? How did You even get in here?”
“Well you don’t have any windows anymore except those stain ones, speaking of which you should get those decorated (breathes) but that not the reason why I’m here. The reason I'm here is super duper important!” screeched a normal talking Pinkie. “My unkie’s visiting me today!”
“That's great Pinkie, but why did you have to come tell me at..” said Twilight glancing at a the royal clock. “Five-thirty five a.m?”
“Oh! Well that's simple silly, Rainbow Dash is coming here and I wanted to be first.”
“Wait, Rainbow Dash is coming here?” asked Twilight with a puzzled look.
“Nope,” replied Pinkie turning her attention to a bouncy bed.
“But, you just said-ahh!” Twilight would have continued if not for a blue gleam in the sky heading towards her room from outside her room’s balcony caught her voice. “What the...ahh!” screamed Twilight as she was picked up and thrown to the other side of the room.
“I overslept, I overslept, I overslept!” yelled a frantic Twilight shaking Rainbow Dash. “I overslept!”
“Wwwwwhhhhaaaattttt ddddddiiiiiidddddd yyyyyyoooouuuuu oooooovvvvveeeerrrr sssssslllllllleeeeeppppppp fffffffoooooorrrrr?!” said a shaking Twilight.
“Oh! I know, I know!” said Pinkie doing a perfect flip from the bed. “Daring Do is coming to Ponyville!”
“Yes!” screamed a joyful Rainbow Dash, throwing her hooves up causing Twilight to fall down onto the floor. “Daring’s coming here, here to Ponyville!” shrieked a fangirling Rainbow Dash.
“Oh yeah, I forgot A.K.Yearling’s coming here to do a book signing for her new book,” said Twilight picking herself of and taking off the blankets still on her.
“How could you forget!” shouted a distraught Rainbow Dash.
"Well I am a Princess, I have a lot of responsibilities-wait, what day is it?" asked Twilight rubbing her eyes to get the leftover sleepiness out of her.
“It's my uncle’s visiting day Twilight,” said a backflipping to proceed bouncing on bed Pinkie.
“No, I meant what is today, Saturday?”
“No, egghead it’s Friday!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“But wait, Daring doesn’t doesn’t arrive till Saturday. Why are you saying you overslept Rainbow Dash?” asked TwIlight.
“Well duh, to get to the line first for tomorrow!” said Rainbow Dash with a roll of her eyes.
Facehoofing at the reply Twilight said‚ “Well why did you come to tell me?”
“Well I kind of need you to, umm, get me to the front of the line,” said Rainbow Dash with a blush and nervous chuckle.
“Gasp!” gasped Pinkie hopping of the bed. “You can’t do that Dashie, other people want to see her too, and it wouldn’t be fair if you got to cut to the front just because Twilight's a princess!”
“She's right Rainbow Dash, it just wouldn’t be right of me or you to head to the front just because I’m a princess and your friend,” stated Twilight with a hoof to her chest.
“Ugh fine, guess I’ll just have to head down there now and get a good spot,” said Rainbow turning around.
“Wait Rainbow,” said Twilight. “Since you're here, how about I make you and Pinkie some eggs then you can go, I mean you need some food If you're gonna stay in line all day and night.”
“Yeah, and you got to meet my uncle first too!” said Pinkie in a chef hat.
“Are you kidding me?! I don’t have could have time for fo-” Just then Rainbow's stomach growled violently. “Ehhh, well I suppose I could have a bite,” said a blushing Rainbow.
“And what about my uncle?” asked Pinkie with puppy eyes.
“Yes Pinkie, I will say hi to your uncle,” said a grinning Rainbow with a roll of her eyes.
“Yay!” shouted Pinkie lounging onto Rainbow causing them to both fall. “Owie.”
All of a sudden the room’s front door flew open, turning their heads to see who it was they were greeted to the sight of a sleepy Spike.
“What's going on!?” said Spike with a fast yawn. “I heard banging sounds.”
“Oh, that was us,” said Twilight heading over to her assistant. “Sorry Spike, did we wake you?”
“Actually I was just heading to the bathroom when I heard the noise-wait we?” asked Spike before noticing Pinkie and Rainbow. “What are you guys doing here?”
Twilight then explained to Spike that Pinkie had come here to tell her that her uncle was coming here before Rainbow would come crashing in to see if Twilight could get them at the front of the line for the Daring Do, Spike had one thing to say.
“Can I have a gem omelet!?”
“Okay,” giggled Twilight at the dragon’s appetite.
After getting ready for the day, Twilight headed down to the castle's kitchen where she was greeted to the sight of Pinkie muzzle deep in a bowl of oats and milk, Rainbow Dash reading “Daring Do and the River of Gloom”, and finally Spike making a gem filled omelet.
Seeing Twilight, Spike asked her what kind of eggs she would like.
“I’ll just have a hay omelet please Spike,” she said before sitting down at the kitchen table with her friends. “So Pinkie,” asked Twilight to the chewing of oats mare. “What's your uncle like? Is he anything like Maud?” Twilight said with a nervous chuckle.
Looking up from her bowl before licking any oats and milk residue from her coat Pinkie smiled a huge smile at Twilight. “Of course not silly, He's the best uncle ever, not the best sister ever!"
"Which side of the family is he on?" asked Twilight.
"My mom's," replied Pinkie making a napkin swan.
"Oh, he's your mother's brother?" said Twilight.
“Yep and only sibling, younger by 13 years,” said Pinkie blowing bubbles into the milk. “He's also a writer!”
“What kind of stories does he write?”
“Oh, you know adventures and funny stories,” said Pinkie with a prideful tone in her voice before turning gloom. “But he doesn’t let me read them.”
“Why not?” asked Twilight with a puzzled look.
“I don’t know, he says they aren’t for fillies like me,” replied Pinkie with a sigh. “Said they were too boring for a mare like me..”
“Huh,” replied Twilight, turning her attention to her cyan, rainbow maned friend. “So Rainbow what chapter are you on?”
“What?” said Rainbow looking up from the book. “Oh, I’m on chapter fifteen where Daring is escaping her bonds from the evil mad Dr. Glass. Here I’ll read you a bit,” Clearing her throat Rainbow began.
“Struggling against her bonds, Daring saw that she was in a tight knot.
“Huh, seems Glass knows how to tighten his ropes better than last time, dang griffon,” thought Daring to herself. “Still though, none the wiser about the problems of leaving a bound pegasus with her wings open. Moving around, Daring eventfully was able to unfold her wing and bring the tip to her mouth. “Okay this is gonna sting,” she said before plucking a feather from her wings. “Oucf!” said a muffled Daring looking to see if anypony heard her. “Okaf now I nof I saw it around here..fhere it is!” announced Daring her sights on a toolbox with a padlock on it. “Bet there's something sharp in that toolbox,” said Daring to herself before hopping over to the toolbox. “Ok, here I go!” she thought before proceeding to rock side to side in the chair causing it to fall over on it’s side. A muffle sound of pain aside, Daring saw her luck was on her side for this lockpicking, taking the feather Daring was able to pick the lock.”
“Wait how does a feather pick a lock?” asked Spike bringing the omelets to the table.
“Oh, Spike thats just artistic license, I’m sure what really happened was different,” said Twilight cutting up her omelet.
“Shhh, you two!” said Rainbow. “Now where was I? Oh yeah!”
“Having succeeded at picking the lock, Daring used her head to open the toolbox and lucky for her there was a blade cutting tool just in the right position. moving the chair around she was able to set the blade against the rope, rubbing it against it for a while eventually she was able to cut the rope releasing her hooves from their bonds. Getting up from the floor Daring was about to sneak out when she heard a mook pony from outside that gave her a better plan.
“Hey what's with all the noise?!” said the mook pony charging into the cabin. He saw the sight of Daring groaning in her seat with her hooves behind her back. Leaning in close he said, “Heh, looks like the little girl's tired. How about a little kiss girly?” chuckled the mook.
“How about a kick?” said Daring with a smirk throwing her hooves on the pony‚Äôs shoulder before kicking him in his privates.
“Owww!” said the mook wincing in pain on the ground.
“And one the forehead!?” shouted Daring before knocking the mook out. “Now to find the key,” she said rushing outside.”
“End of chapter fifteen,” said Rainbow closing the book with awed expression. “Wasn’t that awesome?!”
“I agree that was amazing‚” said a edge of her seat Twilight.
“Me too,” said Pinkie helping Spike gather the dishes.
“Me three, if a little unbelievable,” said Spike while getting a bottle of apple juice.
“Artistic license, Spike,” said Twilight.
“Yeah, yeah.” replied Spike.
looking at the clock Pinkie shrieked, “Oh my gosh! It's already eight! Uncle Humble’s train arrives in ten minutes!” said Pinkie running to gather the dishes.
“Wait!” shouted Twilight. “Your uncle’s name is Humble? As in Humble Pie!?”
“You know him?” asked Rainbow wondering why Twilight was fingerling.
“Are you kidding? Next to Daring Do, Humble Pie is Twilight’s favorite modern author!” said Spike.
“I love his book “The Adventures of Con Colt”! Rainbow, Spike get cleaned up I’m gonna head out to go get Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity,” said Twilight
“Rarity said that Applejack and Fluttershy were helping at the boutique today,” stated Spike.
“Okay I’ll head out, Pinkie are you coming?” asked Twilight to a Pinkie shaped dust cloud. “Pinkie?”\
“I’m telling you dear it looks great on you,” said a smiling Rarity turning to face a purple faced Fluttershy.
“I can’t breathe,” choked out Fluttershy falling down before Rarity and Applejack rushed to her aid by ripping off the corset.
“Are ya alright sugarcube?!” asked a concerned Applejack.
“I-I think so,” replied Fluttershy.
"ÄúSorry about that Fluttershy, but Applejack did you really go tear the corset?” asked Rarity levitating the ripped clothing.
“It was choking her,” Applejack said flatly, helping Fluttershy up.
“Well fashion is never easy,” replied Rarity putting on her glasses to start sewing up the tears in the cloth. “Sorry again Fluttershy.”
“Oh, it’s alright I was happy to do it,” said Fluttershy with a smile.
“Thank you, now Applejack go take that box with my new fashion style and go put on please.”
“Remind me why I’m helping ya’ll with your dresses?” said Applejack.
“Because, your my friend you silly mare, and the clothes must be made for an agile person such as yourself,” replied Rarity trying to sew the last thread in. “Now head to the kitchen, I want to be surprised by your appearance.”
“Fine,” grumbled Applejack before heading off to the kitchen.
Ding-dong.
“Oh, I wonder who that could be?” said Fluttershy her attention focusing on the front door.
“Would you mind getting that deary? This last thread is a bit tough,” asked Rarity.
“Ok,” replied Fluttershy flying to the front door. Cracking it open she said, “Umm, hello can I help-ahhhhh!” screamed Fluttershy whirling around caused by a pink blur.
“Fluttershy! Rarity! Applejack! I have somthing to tell you!” screamed Pinkie in the center of the boutique.
“Pinkie! You scared poor Fluttershy and pushed her out of the way, say you're sorry,” scolded Rarity finishing the thread.
“I did?” said Pinkie turning around to a dizzy Fluttershy. “Oh I did! I’m sorry Fluttershy, are you alright?”
“I’m fine, but was the boutique always pink?” replied Fluttershy her head shaking side to side.
“Well other than the curtains no, but that’s not what I’m here to tell you. I have something big to tell you, it's abou-”
“What is with all the darn noise? I’m trying to put on this dang thing,” said a voice that belonged to Applejack.
“Applejack, it's just Pinkie. Are you done putting the cloak on?” asked Rarity.
“I’m almost done, hold your carts...okay coming in said Applejack trotting back to the room. Before the three mares was Applejack in a white, black buttoned shirt, upon it was a light peach colored long coat with a dark blue hood.
“Wow,” said a recovered, awe struck Fluttershy.
“It’s so peachy!” said a giddy Pinkie.
“Applejack, you look amazing!” said Rarity with a tone of pride in her voice.
“It ain’t something I’d wear for farming, but I’ll admit, it’s more comfortable than I expected,” said Applejack. “Still who would wear this? I get that them Canterlot folks like odd clothes. But why this?”
“Applejack,” said Rarity. “I just make the dresses, I don’t know what they're for, besides I don’t even know if it is for a Canterlot citizen. All I got was a letter saying that it was to be dropped in the town's post office and I would receive payment upon said dropping off," said Rarity. “Now please take it off and put it carefully back in the box if you would.”
After putting the shirt and cloak away the three mares focus was now on Pinkie.
“So Pinkie, what did you have to say to us?” asked Applejack.
“It’s my unkie Humbles visiting day!” shouted Pink throwing confetti in the air.
“You have an uncle named Humble?” asked Fluttershy meekly.
Borrowing Applejack’s brother’s words of wisdom Pinkie replied, “Eyeup, my uncle Humble Pie!”
“Wait!” shouted Rarity pushing Fluttershy and Applejack away to be muzzle to muzzle with Pinkie. “Your uncle is Hu-Humble Pie!?”
“You know him?” grumbled Applejack for being pushed.
“Why of course I do, I love his book “The mind of an artist” and of course “The wood stallion's a-,” stopping herself, Rarity because she remembered that particular book was for more mature audiences, she continued with a heavy blush. “Ehhh, well the point is I love his books. And you say he's coming today?”
“I believe so,” said Pinkie with blank expression before giggling. “My uncle taught me that.”
“When's he arriving?” asked Fluttershy.
"ÄúOh, in five minutes,” replied Pinkie relaxing.
After a few seconds reality finally was able to hit Pinkie causing her to scream “Everypony, head to the train station!”
“Pinkie, I’m sure your uncle will arrive when you get there. Right Rarity?” asked Applejack to a dress wearing Rarity shaped cloud of dust. “Rarity? Pinkie did you see where Ra-” Applejack stopped asking when she saw the remnants of a Pinkie shaped dust cloud. “Come on, Fluttershy. Lets head out,” grumbled Applejack.
“Oh, I’m just so excited I could burst!” said Pinkie before exploding...her cannon of confetti to check if it was ready for her uncle.
“I know how you feel darling, your uncle is a fantastic writer,” said Rarity putting makeup on. “I love his description of Captain Star’s rugged fetlocks, his gentlecolt’s mane, his golden spyglass-,” Rarity stopped herself when she saw ponies looking at her. Blushing intensely she tried to move the attention to somewhere else. Fortunately, for her Twilight and the rest of her friends were trotting to the platform. Everypony stopped looking at her and turned their focus to the newly throned princess and proceeded to bow.
“Thank you everypony, but its really not necessary to bow. Just go about your business,” said Twilight causing everypony to go back to their pre-bowing state. “There you are Pinkie, good morning Rarity.”
“Good morning Twilight and Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity.
“cough” said Spike.
“Oh don’t think I could forget you Spikey wikey‚” said Rarity pinching Spike’s cheeks causing him to blush.
“Mo-morning Rarity,” stuttered Spike.
“So Pinkie, where's this uncle Humble of yours anyway?” asked Rainbow still reading her book.
"Hmmm," said Pinkie before gasping. “There he is!” she shouted pointed at a locomotive heading towards the platform.
“Come on Slit, I know you had a hard time back there but you can’t plot revenge on miss Railrunner, she was just doing her job,” said Humble to Slit’s blank face. “Look I understand that a cage is no place for a sentient creature like yourself to be trapped in but in fairness they did say you got a little rowdy.” The alligator just licked his eye while standing. “Besides miss Railrunner was nice enough to let you out early.” All of a sudden the train made a ringing sound, looking out the window Humble saw the town of Ponyville past the train platform and on it was his niece speeding around the platform along with her friends. “Well would you look at that Slit? We got a royal welcome from Princess Twilight. How’s my hair?‚Äù the alligator just looked at him expressionless. “Good, lets head out.”
Behind him Stale and Lemon watched him get his luggage. “Yes lets,” said Stale.
“After speaking to Mr. Emerald, I entered the doorway of the locomotive (along with Slit) to find myself on board a rather fancy-looking boxcar. It was, for instance, a lot more spacious than would be expected from an external look. Its row of cherry-red wood planks between seats were wider than the stagecoach that I had used to ride to the train station, and would allow a pony to be able to move without touching another passenger trotting the other way. Great for the germaphobes ain’t it?” wrote Humble in his journal with a chuckle.
"Where was I? Oh yeah! The train’s windows had a unique look to them: they had small stained glass squares on the outside of the windows. The pictures seemed to have been made to look like they were spiraling white oak wood that filled the glass to the edges making it look like the window was framed. The seats looked like a bed to lay one’s body on, with a blue-painted wood back covered in stars that made a dip on the sides before making a hill in the center. I then went over to a seat on the left side of the train and started a process called sitting while Slit started a process known as standing still. It was a comfortable lay; at the very least, far more comfortable than the subway at home with all the not-having-to-be-squeezed-until-one's-face-looks-purple. I put my right hoof over the window to feel the heat of the sunny day being absorbed by the glass.” Humble wrote down with his mouth.
“Sir, your ticket?” said a female voice.
“Huh?” said Humble, looking up from his journal to see an orange-colored mare in a red velvet-like suit standing before him and holding out her hoof with an expectant look.
“Your ticket, sir, if you would,” stated the mare with no cracks of emotion showing upon her face.
“Oh! You mean this ticket?” said Humble, pulling out from his pocket a blue card with the words “Equestrian Railways” printed on it. “What do you need it for?” he asked with a puzzled tone.
"I need to punch it,” said the mare.
“But why, miss, um,” said Humble forgetting that he does not know this mare.
“Railrunner,” said the mare.
“Well, miss Railrunner, why would you want to punch an innocent ticket like this one?" he asked with a grin.
“Sir—,” she stopped, noticing for the first time the alligator below her. “Ahhhh! Why is there an alligator aboard the train!?”
“Well, I believe he's doing the dance move, standing and being offended by your reaction," snarked Humble.
“Sir, why do you have an alligator with you!?” she asked with a loud, unamused voice.
“Because he does my taxes,” Humble replied, seeing if his horseshoe was loose.
“Sir, this is not the time to joke, or I will throw you and your alligator off the train," she said in a scolding tone.
“No, really, he does my taxes. The little guy is great with a calculator," he said with a puzzled look and a shrug.
“Little guy!” Railrunner shouted. “He is as long as two seats!”
“Just more to love,” said Humble picking up Slit’s torso and hugging him. “Who's my little Slitty? You are, yes, you are,” he said affectionately to the blank alligator.
“Sir, I’m afraid I must take your 'Slitty' and put him in a cage in the back,” she said.
Looking at the train employee with puppy eyes Humble said, “Must you?”
“I assure you, sir, he will be well taken care of," Railrunner said.
With a sigh, Humble looked at Slit and said with a sad look, “Ok boy, go with the nice mare. I’ll see you when we arrive."
The Alligator proceeded to be taken away by another attendant. For a second, a sad look appeared in it’s eyes.
“Well, now that has been taken care of, can I please have your ticket now?” asked Railrunner with her hoof out.
“But why do you wanna punch an in—” said Humble before being interrupted.
“Sir, I have to punch more tickets so we can leave. If you would please stop joking and just hand me the ticket," she said with a roll of her eyes.
“Fine, fine, here ya go,” Humble said handing the blue card over to her.
“Thank you,” she replied before pulling out a paper puncher, punching a hole into the card, and then handing it back to Humble.
“Thanks,” he said to the already-punching-other-holes mare. “I guess.”
After waiting ten minutes, the conductor’s voice was heard.
“All passengers onboard, starting train!” the conductor bellowed.
A second later Humble, felt a jolt that caused him to fall forward.
Picking himself up and sitting back on the seat he said, “Always hated falling from glory.” Looking out the window, he saw the train station going past the stained glass corners. Soon, the town of New Fleurens was out of his sight and into it came the swamps and lagoons.
Slit would’ve loved the view, a chance to see his ancestral home deprived of him, thought Humble with a sad groan. Pulling the window cover down so that the landscape would stop reminding of his green friend, he surveyed his surroundings and looked at the other passengers. He saw that there were only five other passenger in the boxcar with him: first was a dark chestnut stallion earth pony with a scar on his muzzle that sat four seats behind him looking out a window, and a bright yellow unicorn stallion with an eyepatch was two seats behind the first stallion. For a second Humble could’ve swore he glanced at him with his good eye.
Looking at the last three passengers, he saw a family of earth ponies sat on the other side of the train three seats behind him. A light, grass-colored mare with a calculator for a cutie mark nuzzling with a purple, brownish-colored stallion with glasses and a clipboard for a cutie mark, and snuggling against the two in the middle was a whitish-blue filly, sleeping soundly with the mare rubbing her back as she cooed with relaxation. The way the couple looked so content made Humble feel a familiar emotion for a moment, but he shook it off as something not worth remembering. Seeing as he might get some writing down, he decided to write a little bit of a comedy book that he had been putting off he called “Random Sayings.” He decided to start writing like how a good writer always does by capturing the audience in a wise way. Clearing his his mind and pulling out a blank piece of paper and pen he began writing.
“It's not how big your plow is that’s important, it's how long it can be used…. ” wrote Humble.
As he wrote these words of wisdom, the two stallions behind him got up together and walked out of the boxcar, hopping over to the Bubble cart. The cart smelled like that of Mr. Pike’s waiting room. Soap, cider, and the color red. It was empty save the two gentlecolts. With a groan, Stale Crumbs dropped down on a chair “So, that’s the stallion? An alligator-carrying author?”
“Apparently,” said Lemon Squeeze, looking out the door window the had come through. “So, whats the deal with this guy? Why does Pike want him anyway?”
“Hey, we’re just the nappers; we get paid for taking, not hearing,” stated Stale taking, out a bottle of hard cider and a pipe. Lighting it, he looked back at Lemon, who was still looking through the window. “Will you please stop looking out that damn window? I need your eye if something goes wrong."
“Well excuse me for wanting to keep us covert," said Lemon.
“Oh, yeah, because there's nothing more covert than a unicorn in an eyepatch looking out a window," chuckled Stale blowing a bunch of little bubbles.
“Yeah yeah, keep laughing, scarface," said Lemon back out of the window. “Still, do you think it's a good idea to kidnap this guy? I mean, he’s related to an element of harmony.”
“It ain’t him we have to worry about, it's the other one,” said Stale taking a swig of cider.
“Yeah, I guess you're right,” replied Lemon. “Hey, what you do think he’s writing about?
“Probably something to do with a Prance whore," said Stale with a laugh.
In truth Humble had fallen asleep and was dreaming about a certain somepony whom he knew. In his dream, there in southern Manehattan's south central park area, was a young eight-year-old, grey coated, red maned, blank flanked colt who sat watching his only and best friend (not counting his little alligator) chase pigeons. This grey colt was a child of a rock merchant and a comedian, the two of whom were spending time with the family here. His best friend was a light-brown, blank flanked colt who had been brought with them so his mother might get better while she laid ill in bed at home.
“Coil why do you chase pigeons?” asked the grey colt while taking out his pet alligator from his pocket for its daily brushing.
“To hug them!” said his serponian friend like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I will hug them all di da,” sung his friend, prancing towards them.
“Yeah, well, be careful. You remember what happened last time,” said the colt, scrubbing a particular hard-to-get-off piece of artificial lion meat on his gator's tooth.
“How was I supposed to know that mama Pigeons hate it when you try to pet their babies?” said Coil now trying to see what it was like to eat bread like a pigeon.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe when it squawks at you to frighten you off?” said the grey colt, putting the alligator back in his pocket for it’s nap.
“Oh, that was just a suggestion which I did not follow,” said Coil walking over to his friend. “Besides, the baby birds and mother were alright.” Just then, Coil’s stomach growled. “I’m hungry.”
“Well, I gotta use the little colt’s room before we can get something to eat. Can ya wait here for a bit?” asked the grey colt.
“Sure, I can, but please hurry,” whined Coil holding his belly.
“I’m going, I’m going,” said the grey colt, hopping off the bench and trotting in the direction of the restrooms. After using the restroom, the grey colt headed over to the sinks, and after washing his hands he went back to Coil. “Ya ready?” asked the colt to Coil, who was sitting upside down.
“Eeyup—whoah!” yelled Coil before falling over on his face when the bench tipped over.
“Coil!” said the colt rushing to his friends aid. “You alright?” he said helping his friend up.
“Is it the pigeons attacking us?” said a blood-rushed Coil, wobbling in his friends arms.
“Hahahah, looks like the blank flank babies been having too much hard milk," said a gruff voice.
Looking up the colts saw before them two other colts, one a peach-colored pegasus the other a dark green earth pony. The pegasus had a cloud that appeared to be raining as a cutie mark, while the earth pony had a hammer as a cutie mark.
“Who are you two?” said the colt putting his dizzy friend behind him.
“My name’s Rain Day,” said the pegasus with a smirk.
“And mine’s Pipeline,” said the earth pony who also was smirking.
“Well, what do you want?” said the grey colt nervously.
“Oh, nothing, just those bits you got,” said Rain Day with a step forward.
“What makes you think we got bits?” said Coil having recovered from his head rush.
“Come on, we heard you say you’re going to get lunch and I don’t see no adults around to provide bits," said Pipeline bumping his hooves together.
“O-okay, we don’t want no trouble. Here’s all our bits," said the colt handing over their money.
“Will you please leave us alone now?” asked Coil nervously.
“Oh, sure, once you hand over that lizard of yours!” shouted Rain Day, pointing at the alligator in the grey colt’s pocket. It was poking its head out, having been woken up from its nap due to the shouting.
“Slit?” asked the grey colt.
“Yeah, hand him over” said Pipeline holding his left hoof up in a violent manner.
“N-no!” shouted the grey colt.
“What did you say?” replied a ticked off Rain Day.
“You can't have Slit, he’s my friend!” shouted the grey colt. Just then, he remembered Coil. “And Coil’s pal, too!”
“Aww, ain’t that sweet. Now give me that bucking lizard!” shouted Rain Day pushing the grey colt down but not before grabbing Slit.
“Hey, give him back!” shouted the grey colt and Coil, getting back up before running towards the pair of bullies. Unfortunately, due to the size of the two smaller colts, they were quickly both pinned by Pipeline.
“Hahaha what wim—ahhh!” screamed Rain looking at Slit seeing that he bit his hoof.
“Why you little bucking lizard!” spat Rain before looking at the grey colt. “Just for that, I’m gonna make lizard splat,” he yelled holding up Slit by his tail.
“NOOO!” yelled the grey colt, struggling to get unpinned.
“Say goodbye to your liza—” said Rain day with a grin before being interrupted by a voice.
“Hey, dung brain!” said a sweet and angelic, yet harsh voice.
Looking up from his trap was when the grey colt saw… her. A heavenly being stood on top of a hill a few feet away. This being of pure beauty took the form of a beautiful dark yellow pegasus filly with a black as midnight mane, wearing a green vest and a cute little safari hat. On her side was a ball of thick-looking yarn, and while looking at her side, he saw that she too was a blank flank. Staring before this being, the grey colt could only say one thing.
“H-hi,” said the grey colt, gasping it out due to the weight on him.
“What do you want, girl!” shouted Rain Day at the filly, with Slit still trying to get out of his grasp.
“Put the alligator down and back away from the fellow blank flanks!” shouted the filly.
“Or else what, girl?” said Pipeline in a mocking tone.
“Yeah, you gonna throw your dolls at us?!” said Rain Day preparing to throw Slit down.
“Something like that if you don’t give up," said the filly with a smirk.
“Ha, I ain’t afraid to fight no girl," said Rain Day.
“And we aren’t giving up, either. Now get the buck outta here, blank flank," snarled Pipeline.
“I’m giving you to the count of three to stop what you're doing," said the filly. “One… two”
She would have said three, if not for the account of Rain Day throwing Slit in the air.
“Slit!” cried the grey colt.
And just before the alligator became part of the ground, a flash of yellow grabbed him in its arms and landed safely before putting him in a sand bucket.
“I told you to drop him, not to throw him in the air,” growled the filly.
The grey colt could not believe what he saw next as Rain Day ran towards her. As it looked like his hoof was about to make contact, a Princess Celestia doll hit him in the gut, causing him to fall down. Seeing this commotion Pipeline got off the colt and Coil to help track the filly, quickly getting up, the two ran to help the filly, but by the time they got there, they couldn’t even move. For when Pipeline had gone to attack her, she dodged his punches and was able to trip him before flying like a flash and wrapping them up in her yarn. Seeing that they were trapped, the pair looked down up at the flying filly.
“Please, don’t hurt us anymore!” cried the bullies.
“Start hoppin’,” growled the filly.
“Yes, madam,” they said in unison before hopping away, tied up.
Once they were gone, the filly looked back into the bucket, grabbed it by the handle, and brought it to the colt.
“Here ya go, mister,” said the filly before getting a good look at the grey colt before her. Her heart raced; the cause? The handsome creature before her with his dark, cherry wood-colored hair and his moon-grey coat that surrounded his twinkling eyes, and beneath him were pink hooves. And he had a nice flank, too. Blushing at the last thought the filly said the only thing she could.
“Here’s your alligator,” she said with a stunned look, handing the bucket over to the equally-stunned colt.
“Thanks…. Coil, take Slit over to the food cart. I’ll be there shortly, I just want to thank this cu—I mean brave filly,” said the colt, blushing hard.
“Okay. Thanks again, ma’am,” said Coil with a smile and a wave, taking the pail with Slit in it over to the hay dog cart on the other side of the park.
For the next few seconds, the two foals said nothing, the wind being the only sound while they stared at one another in equally-great curiosity.
Speaking up with dry lips, the grey colt was able to finally say something.
“Um, th-thanks for saving Slit,” stammered the grey colt.
“Your we-welcome,” replied the filly. “Wait, the gator, you mean, right?”
The colt nodded quickly. It was silent for another few seconds, neither foal knowing what to say and absolutely terrified of the other.
“So,” spoke the colt. “Where did you learn to fight like that?”
The filly giggled; the cutest thing that the grey colt ever heard.
“My grandpa taught me...” said the filly. “I live with him in New Fleureans. We’re visiting here to see a museum.”
“Really? I live in New Fleureans, too, I'm just visiting family with my friend Coil,” replied the grey colt.
“Really? Maybe I'll see you there when I get back?” said the filly.
“Umm, yeah I’d like that,” replied the colt.
“Well, I ,um, better get going; grandpa’s probably worried,” the filly said, starting to get off the ground.
“Wait!” yelled the colt causing the filly to hover back down. “Um, how old are you?”
“Hey, you should never ask a lady her age,” said the filly with a grin.
“Well, are you older than seven?” said the grey colt blushing.
“Ugh, yes. Eight and a half, you? asked the filly.
“Eight and three quarters,” replied the grey colt before saying something that he found odd. "Say, you said you live with your grandpa. What about your parents?"
The filly turned sad for a second before looking back up at Humble with a sigh. "My dad and mom disappeared when I was three, leaving me and my older brother and sister in the care of my grandpa."
"Oh, I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to make you sad," said the grey colt, looking away.
"Its alright," said the filly with a shrug. "I don't even remember them much, except this hat they gave me,” she said giving the safari hat a tap. "Well, I really gotta go. Maybe I'll see you around Fleureans?" she said, turning around.
“Wait! Um, listen would you like to, umm, maybe go get some lunch with me?” asked the grey colt. “And my friend, I mean, also. Slit my pet alligator,” said The colt blushing so hard it made his hair look grey.
“I don’t know,” said the filly with doubt.
“I’d be paying of course,” said the grey colt quickly.
“Well, why not. I never say no to a free meal,” chuckled the filly. “I suppose my grandpa can wait a few moments, but before we go, can you tell me your name?” asked the filly.
“Only if you tell yours me first,” said the colt with a smirk.
“Ugh, fine,” said the filly. “But don’t laugh.”
“I promise I will not laugh,” said the colt, giving a salute.
“Okay, my name's Artemis,” mumbled the filly.
"Sorry, didn't hear that can you speak up?" asked the grey colt leaning in.
"My names Artemis," mumbled again the filly.
"I'm sorry, can you say it one more time?" asked the grey colt putting a hoof to his ear.
"My names Artemis!" shouted the filly causing the grey colt to tumble over.
After a few seconds the grey colt started laughing on the ground while the filly blushed hard.
“Hahahahah,” laughed the colt before looking up to a hurt filly. “I’m sorry, I promised not to laugh, and I broke it,” said the grey colt in an ashamed tone.
“Its alright,” said the filly with a sad look. “My friends call me by my mothers maiden name, anyway.”
“What's that?” asked The colt with a curious look.
“Dazzle,” said the filly with a smile.
“Well, Dazzle, my names Humble,” said the grey colt, “Humble Pie.”
“That’s a nice name—sir wake up!” yelled Dazzle.
“Wait, what?” asked Humble.
“Sir, wake up!" yelled Dazzle.
“What do you mean?” asked Humble.
“Wake up!” repeated Dazzle before vanishing.
“No, Dazzle don’t go, don’t leave!” yelled Humble as the ground under him cracked open, swallowing him whole.
“Don’t go.”
“Sir, wake up!” yelled Railrunner.
“Huh!?” said Humble, waking right up. He looked around for Dazzle, but could only see the train and Railrunner. Putting the dream in the back of his mind, Humble said “What's wrong?”
“Sir, we are almost arriving in Ponyville,” said Railrunner.
“Oh, how long was I asleep?” Humble asked.
“About 4 hours,” said Railrunner, trotting away to see if any other passengers were sleeping.
Humble looked out the window to see the rushing Everfree forest pass by and, in the distance, the town of Ponyville.