Roly-Poly Ravioli

by Metool Bard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Carrot Top, Comedy, Random, Discord, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tank, Dinky Hooves
Length: 3507

Dinky gives her pet tortoise a ridiculously long name. The Fourth Wall Theater Troupe demonstrates to the rest of the world why that's (supposedly) not a good idea.

Dinky Doo was excited to get her first pet at the Ponyville Pet Center Benefit Concert. She was so excited, in fact, that she couldn't settle on a name for him. In the end, she decided to give him a bunch of names strung together into one great, long name. This might appear to be a recipe for disaster on the surface, but let's be honest here. When's the last time you had to call for your pet tortoise? Unless your name just so happens to be Rainbow Dash, you shouldn't find yourself in that position too often.

However, strange things tend to happen in Ponyville, and the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe knows this all too well. As such, with Dinky's full cooperation, they have put together this little cautionary tale about the advantages of short names over long names for you all to enjoy this fine day. At least, it's allegedly a cautionary tale. There's no way of knowing for certain when your script is co-written by the Master of Chaos.

As always, funding for this production has been made possible by the Please Prevent Pinkie Pie and Discord From Getting Bored Foundation. To support more of the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe's work, follow the prequel tag above.

Published 2014-10-21 00:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-21 00:10:07 UTC

Our Feature Presentation

The curtain opens up, revealing Discord wearing a red smoking jacket and monocle, sitting by a mock fireplace and reading a book with Pinkie Pie sitting opposite of him. They look up from their books together and smile.

"Ah. Hello there. Didn't hear you come in," Discord says. "I was just reading this marvelous little story that I wrote along with my lovely assistant, Pinkie Pie."

"Hiya!" Pinkie Pie chirps. "But it wasn't just us this time around, folks! This particular performance is super special! Because today, we have a third writer joining our ranks!"

"Hi, everypony!"

As if on cue, Dinky Doo pokes her head out of the curtain and waves to the audience, only for a yellow hoof to reach out and tap her on the shoulder.

"Dinky, sweetie. We're not on yet," a voice whispers from behind the curtain.

"Aw, let her have some fun, Carrot Top," says another voice. "She's not doing any harm."

"Besides, my script says that I'm on right now," says Dinky, levitating the script in front of her. "See? It says I poke my head out of the curtain and wave to the audience."

A rustling of papers can be heard backstage. "Wait, mine doesn't say that," says Golden Harvest.

"Neither does mine," says the second voice. "Muffin, are you sure Pinkie Pie gave you the right script?"

"I'm sure, Mama," Dinky says with a nod. "After all, I helped write it."

"But then why doesn't our script say the same thing?" asks Golden Harvest.

Dinky shrugs. "I dunno."

With a sigh, Golden Harvest emerges from the curtain and walks over to Pinkie. "Pinkie, we have a bit of a situation here."

Discord raises an eyebrow. "Ms. Harvest, what are you doing on stage? You're not on yet."

Golden Harvest's head whips around, staring at Discord in disbelief. "Wh-what? B-but I—"

"It's very unprofessional for a pony to miss their cue, you realize," Discord scolds, wagging an admonishing talon.

"B-but what about Dinky?"

"What about her?"

"Didn't she miss her cue?"

"Does her script say she did?"

"Well, no. But—"

"Then there you go."

"But what about—"

"You're holding us up, Ms. Harvest."

Golden Harvest turns to Pinkie for help, but she simply shrugs. With a sigh of defeat, she heads backstage, grumbling to herself all the while.

"I still think we should've let them know what's going on here, Discord," says Pinkie.

"Well, we could, my dear. But I'm afraid it would defeat the purpose of the joke," says Discord, polishing his monocle before eating it. "Besides, you Pinkie Promised you wouldn't tell anypony until after the show."

Pinkie sighs. "Yeah, I did. And it wouldn't be good form for me of all ponies to break my Pinkie Promises, now would it?"

Golden Harvest's head emerges from the curtain again. "Um, hello? We can still hear you back here," she says, looking more than a bit annoyed.

"Just let it go, Carrot Top," says a familiar, scratchy voice from behind the curtain. "Pinkie and Discord know what they're doing. We just have to trust 'em."

Golden Harvest opens her mouth to protest, but instead disappears backstage.

"Thank you, Dashie," says Discord, pulling out a pair of reading glasses from thin air.

"Don't mention it," says Rainbow Dash, emerging from the curtain to give Discord an "I'm watching you" gesture. "Just be sure to stick to your own Pinkie Promise, you got me, buster?"

"Loud and clear," says Discord, giving Rainbow Dash a thumbs up. Rainbow Dash nods curtly in response and disappears backstage. "Now, before anypony else decides to interrupt, what say we start this little story?"

"I'm all for that!" says Pinkie. "So, without further ado, fillies and gentlecolts, the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe proudly presents..."

Roly-Poly Ravioli

After the title card descends from above and flashes before the audience's eyes, the curtain is fully raised, revealing a backdrop of Ponyville. Discord clears his throat.

"Once upon a time, there were two ponies that both owned tortoises," says he. "One of them was the self-proclaimed fastest flyer in all of Equestria, Rainbow Dash."

Right on cue, Rainbow Dash swoops across the stage. Joining her is her pet tortoise Tank, keeping pace with his owner as his helicopter blades buzz all the while. The two of them landed together.

"Nothing stops this little guy," Rainbow Dash gushes, patting Tank on his shell. "That's why I call him Tank!"

"Indeed you do, Dashie," says Pinkie, flipping a page in her own book. "But the other pony, Dinky Doo, had a bit of a different naming method when she got her pet tortoise."

Rainbow Dash flies offstage with Tank right on her tail. The set changes from outdoor Ponyville to the inside of Golden Harvest's house. Derpy Hooves walks in through the front door, followed by Golden Harvest, Dinky Doo, Amethyst "Sparkler" Star, and another tortoise. Unlike Tank, this fellow has a more earthy complexion and appears to be a tad older.

"Wow, those Ponytones were something else, huh?" says Derpy.

"They sure were!" Dinky chirps, giving Derpy a hug. "Thanks for letting me get my own pet, Mama."

"It's no trouble at all, Muffin," coos Derpy, hugging her daughter back. "Carrot Top and I both agree that you're responsible enough to have your own pet now, and I know you won't let us down."

"Yep, you deserve it, Dink," says Amethyst. "So, what're you gonna name him?"

Dinky frowns. "Well, that's just the thing, Amethyst. There are so many good names that I really can't decide."

"I'm sure you'll think of something, Dinky," says Golden Harvest. "Hey, I know. Why don't you write down some names, and we'll help you narrow it down?"

Dinky's expression brightens. "That's a great idea! Hold on, I'll be right back!"

With that, she zooms offstage.

"And so, Dinky wrote down all the names she could think of for her little pet," says Discord.

"It turns out she had a lot of names," says Pinkie. "Which is why we had a list pre-prepared for just this occasion so you folks don't have to sit around waiting!"

Golden Harvest blinks. "Wait, when did this turn into a cooking show?"

Before anypony could answer her rhetorical question, Dinky returns from backstage with a whole bunch of papers in her mouth. Amethyst, Golden Harvest, and Derpy share a concerned look before turning back to Dinky.

"Uh, Dink? You sure you've got enough names there?" asks Amethyst.

Dinky tilts her head. "You think I need more?"

"No, no! Th-that's fine," says Golden Harvest hastily. "L-let's just see what you have."

With a shrug, Dinky gives the list to the three older ponies, who begin reading from it aloud.

"Ali, Wally, Ben, Benny, Ali Ben, Ali Benny Jr., Sunny, Jimmy, Sunny Jim, Sunny Jimmy Jr., Ray, Jay, Ray Jay, Ray Jay Jr...."

"Brian, Frank, Steve, Willard, Jonathan, Michael IV, Michael III, Roly-Poly Ravioli III, Scott..."

"Grant, Roy, Master Marco, Esquire, Genbu, Nicholas Marty, Antonio Stella Bottom Tile, Ji-plug-pu Melon Nai..."

When they each get to the end of their lists, they all look at Dinky, who is innocently looking back up at them.

"Well? What do you think I should name him?" she inquires sweetly.

Golden Harvest draws in a sharp breath through her teeth. "Dinky, these are a lot of names to go through. And some of them don't even make any sense!"

Dinky blushes and brushes the back of her head. "Yeah, I kinda got carried away," she admits. "But this is my first pet, and I want him to have a super special name!"

"We understand, Dink," says Amethyst. "But, this is your first pet, not your first child."

Dinky blinks. "Well, I know that. But pets deserves special names, too."

Derpy knits her brow and taps her muzzle. "Well, if you're having this much trouble deciding, why not take a bunch of the name you like and just string them together?"

Golden Harvest smacks her forehead. "Derpy, that's a horrible idea," she scolds. "I think Dinky is a bit smarter than to do something like—"

"Okay!"

Golden Harvest and Amethyst do a double take. "What?"

"I think Mama has the right idea," said Dinky. "Normally, you give a pet a name when you want to call him. But who calls for their pet tortoise?"

"Besides Rainbow Dash, of course," Pinkie adds.

"Yeah, besides Rainbow Dash," says Dinky. "Thanks, Pinkie."

"Um, Dink? You're not supposed to talk to the narrator," says Amethyst.

"But it says so in my script," Dinky insists, levitating the script in front of Amethyst's eyes. "See?"

Golden Harvest shoots a glare at Discord, who arches an eyebrow back at her. Not wanting to stop the play, she simply lets out an exasperated groan and turns back to Dinky.

"Well, I suppose you have a point there," she says. "But, what're you going to name him, then?"

Dinky beams and takes a deep breath. "His name shall be Roly-Poly Ravioli Wally Steve Roy Marco Melon Bottom Tile III, Esquire."

Derpy smiles. "I think that's a wonderful name, Muffin."

"Uh, yeah. Sure," says Amethyst with a shrug. "I mean, heck, it's not the strangest thing I've heard of in this town."

"I don't know, Dinky," says Golden Harvest, furrowing her brow. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"No, but it's not a bad idea, either," says Dinky with a shrug. "Most ideas are like that."

Before Golden Harvest could say anything else, the curtain closes.

"And so, Dinky named her tortoise Roly-Poly Ravioli Wally Steve Roy Marco Melon Bottom Tile III, Esquire," says Pinkie. "Incidentally, Dinky wanted me to tell you guys that conversation you all saw just now is an exaggeration of what actually happened after she got her pet tortoise. That's why she volunteered to help write this one. Anywhoodle, two days after that little conversation, Dinky Doo and Golden Harvest were working in the carrot garden."

Rainbow Dash flies in and moves the indoor backdrop offstage, revealing a large carrot garden set.

"Ooh. There's a nice one," says Golden Harvest, pulling out a prop carrot and placing it in her basket. "We're gonna have a great carrot dinner tonight, right Dinky?"

"You bet, Ms. Harvest!" Dinky hollers back. The lights suddenly grew dim.

"Just then, disaster struck!" Discord boomed.

Tank comes barreling in from backstage, swirling around at dizzying speeds before crash landing in front of Dinky. Slowly, he pops his head out and give Dinky a gradual smile. Dinky giggles a bit before clearing her throat and getting back into character.

"Oh no! It's Rainbow Dash's flying tortoise, Tank!" she exclaims. "And he's eating up Ms. Harvest's garden! I have to go warn her!"

In the blink of an eye, she zips across the stage and taps Golden Harvest on the shoulder. "Ms. Harvest, Ms. Harvest! Tank is eating the garden!"

Golden Harvest looks up. "Sorry, Dinky. I thought I saw a gopher down there," she apologizes. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Ms. Harvest, Ms. Harvest! Tank is eating the garden!" Dinky repeats.

Golden Harvest growls. "That troublesome tortoise. Dinky, go find Fluttershy and tell her about this. She'll know what to do."

Dinky nodded and raced offstage.

"Dinky ran all over Ponyville as fast as her little legs could carry her," says Pinkie as the setting changed behind her. "She looked high and low for dear old Flutters, but much to her dismay, she couldn't find her anywhere. What's more, nopony seemed to know where she was. Well, a few did, but they weren't gonna tell her. Not because they're mean or anything, nonononono. They were just keeping this little secret that really has nothing to do with the story."

"Translation: Fluttershy was off playing baritone for the Ponytones," Discord clarifies. "Anyway, in her search, Dinky ended up bumping into none other than the loyal Rainbow Dash, who had just finished clearing the sky not ten seconds ago."

With that, Rainbow Dash swoops down from the ceiling and lands right in front of Dinky.

"Hey, Dinky Doo," she says. "Where's the fire?"

"Oh, Rainbow Dash! Thank goodness I found you!" Dinky cries. "It's your pet tortoise, Tank! He's eating up Ms. Harvest carrot garden!"

Rainbow Dash's jaw drops. "He's what?! Tank would never do that!"

"I know, but he's doing it!" Dinky insists.

"No, I mean he seriously wouldn't do that," says Rainbow Dash, folding her forelegs and narrowing her eyes at Discord. "He never had a habit of eating other ponies' food. Discord, why the hay are you slandering my awesome pet?"

"We're not claiming this tale is true, Rainbow Dash. That's for the audience to decide," says Discord. "I think we can trust them to know what's real and what's not."

"Yeah, but you never mentioned this in the script," Rainbow Dash snarls.

"Well, it was mentioned in somepony's script," says Discord, shrugging his shoulders. "Otherwise, young Dinky here wouldn't have said it."

"Why would it be in her script and not mine?!" exclaims Rainbow Dash. "What sense does that—?"

She stops herself mid-sentence as she catches a glimpse of Discord's sly smile. She then deadpans.

"Right, stupid question," she says. "I'm just gonna roll with it for now. But I've got my eye on you, buddy."

"And I've got my eye on you," says Discord with a snap of his fingers. In a flash, one of his eyeballs appears on Rainbow Dash's back. Rainbow Dash shrieks and throws the eyeball back at Discord.

"Alright, enough horsing around, ponies. We've still got a story to tell," says Pinkie, flipping through her own book. "Now, where were we? Ah, yes! Dinky brought Rainbow Dash back to the house where she picked up Tank and grounded him for a week."

The scene shifts back to the carrot garden, and Rainbow Dash begins scolding Tank.

"You're gonna have to do double laps for the next week, you hear me?" she admonishes.

Tank says nothing, but hangs his head sheepishly. Rainbow Dash sighs.

"C'mon, buddy. I didn't mean it," she says, giving Tank a hug. "It's just a play. I'm not really mad at you. C'mon, you wanna help me change the scenery around? Would you like that, boy?"

She then nuzzles Tank's nose and flies backstage. Pinkie turns to the audience.

"Just a disclaimer, folks. If any of you bring this up, she's probably gonna deny it," she says. "Anyway, back to the story! All was right in Carrot Top's garden. Because of Tank's short name, he didn't eat that many carrots."

"But alas, poor Dinky's troubles were only beginning," says Discord. "For when she got back to her room..."

Rainbow Dash and Tank shift the scenery to the indoor setting, placing a large glass terrarium in the middle of the stage. Dinky walks up to the terrarium and gasps in horror.

"What? Oh no!" she shrieks. "Roly-Poly Ravioli Wally Steve Roy Marco Melon Bottom Tile III, Esquire has gotten loose! Now Mama will think that I'm bad at keeping pets! I-I gotta find him!"

She then starts running around in circles as Pinkie and Discord continue to narrate.

"She looked high, and she looked low. But her precious tortoise was nowhere to be seen," says Pinkie. "Thinking quickly, she ran back out to Carrot Top."

The scenery shifts back to the carrot garden, where Golden Harvest is still picking carrots. Dinky dashes right up to her and taps her shoulder.

"Ms. Harvest, Ms. Harvest!" she says in one breath. "Roly-PolyRavioliWallySteveRoyMarcoMelonBottomTileIIIEsquirehasgottenoutandIcan'tfindhim!"

Golden Harvest perks up. "Hmm? Oh, sorry. Thought I saw another gopher. What is it, Dinky?"

Dinky begins panting heavily. "Roly *pant* Poly *gasp* Ravio— *huff* Wally Roy Mar— *puff* Esquire is lost!"

Golden Harvest raises an eyebrow. "Dinky, I don't understand what you're trying to say."

"I-it's Roly-Poly Ravioli Wally Steve Roy Marco Melon Bottom Tile III, Esquire, Ms. Harvest! H-he's *gasp* g-gone, and *pant* I can't—"

"Dinky, breathe!" Golden Harvest commands, gripping Dinky's shoulders. "Calm down, take a deep breath, and tell me what's wrong. Okay?"

Dinky nods and does as instructed. "Ms. Harvest," she says as slowly as she can. "Roly-Poly Ravioli Wally Steve Roy Marco Melon Bottom Tile III, Esquire somehow escaped from his terrarium, and now I can't find him."

Golden Harvest tilts her head. "You mean your pet tortoise?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you just say that?"

Dinky blinks. "Huh?"

"Dinky, of course you're gonna run out of breath if you call him by his full name," says Golden Harvest, rolling her eyes. "Just say 'My pet tortoise is missing,' or 'Have you seen Roly-Poly Ravioli anywhere?' Why would you insist on referring to him by that long name you gave him? It makes no sense."

Pinkie starts flipping through her book. "Um, Carrot Top? You're kinda off-script here."

"What do you mean I'm off-script? The script is bogus!" Golden Harvest yells. "Dinky is a smart filly! She wouldn't do something that has no point like this!"

"There's an explanation for why that is in the script," says Discord.

"No, there isn't!" Golden Harvest screams, tearing through her own copy. "I don't see it anywhere!"

"I have it in mine," Dinky whimpers.

"But why isn't it in mine?!" Golden Harvest demands. "And why didn't Rainbow Dash know about Tank's scene?! It's like you guys deliberately gave all of us different scripts!"

Just then, party horns go off as confetti and balloons rain from the ceiling. Everypony comes out from backstage to see what the commotion is about as Discord flies over to Golden Harvest and shakes her hoof.

"Congratulations, Golden 'Carrot Top' Harvest!" he cheers. "You figured out our comedic stratagem!"

Golden Harvest stares blankly at Discord. "I what?"

"Yep, it was all intentional," says Pinkie with a wide grin. "We were gonna tell you guys at the end if you didn't guess it, but turns out you did! Tell her what she's won, Discord!"

"Gladly, Pinkie," says Discord. With a flick of his wrist, a card appears in his hand. "Ms. Harvest, you win a twenty five bit coupon for Sugarcube Corner, a carrot themed party at the end of the show hosted by our own Pinkie Pie, and an all-expenses paid vacation for five to the Crystal Empire!"

Golden Harvest looks around the theater, dumbfounded at this turn of event. "Wow. All this because I got mad at you guys?"

"No, all this because you guessed our prank, silly," says Pinkie, nudging Golden Harvest with her elbow.

Rainbow Dash snickers. "Okay, I'm not gonna lie. That was a pretty good one, guys."

"We aim to please, Rainbow Dash," Discord says with a bow. "Miscommunication is a great ingredient in chaos, and also in comedy. Ergo, it's a wonderful ingredient in chaotic comedy."

"But, wait a minute. We haven't finished the story yet," says Dinky. "What about my tortoise?"

Just then, Tank's propeller sputters and stalls, causing him to slam into a trapdoor. From it, Dinky's pet tortoise pokes his head out.

"Roly-Poly Ravioli! There you are!" Dinky cheers, running over to her pet and throwing her forelegs around him. "I'm so happy you're okay."

Rainbow Dash rubs the side of her head. "Wait, you actually named him that?"

"Well, kinda," says Dinky with a shrug. "I really did have trouble coming up with his name, but in the end, Roly-Poly Ravioli was just too cute to pass up."

"So, you didn't give him a ridiculously long name."

"Mama thought it was a good idea, but after I considered it myself, I figured that picking one name that I really liked would be for the best."

Derpy shrugs her shoulders. "What? A lot of things sound smarter when I first think about them."

"That's our Derpy!" says Pinkie. "And that's our show! Goodnight, everypony!"

With that, the curtains close, opening again for a curtain call as the entire cast takes a bow. Although everypony else has a wide smile on their face, only Golden Harvest looks into the audience with a blank stare of confusion.

The Moral of the Story:

Short names are better than long names, apparently.

Or alternatively:

Chaos and evil are not synonymous. Which at this stage of Discord's reformation should be self-evident by now.

Or alternatively to that:

There is no moral. We just wanted to do something silly. As such, please try not to take it too seriously, folks.

Author's Note

I knew as soon as Dinky was framed with her new pet tortoise in the episode Filli Vanilli that I'd end up writing a story involving her, that tortoise, and Tank. I also knew that I wanted to do a ponified retelling of the Chinese folktale, Tikki Tikki Tembo, by having Dinky give her tortoise a ridiculously long name as a contrast to Tank's short name. After much retooling and rethinking, this Fourth Wall Theater Troupe sketch is the result.

Just a reminder, the Fourth Wall Theater Troupe concept is open for other authors to use just as long as I'm credited for the original idea. :twilightsmile: