Tiara and the Doof

by morachao

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Diamond Tiara, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Granny Smith, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 1638

Diamond Tiara has created a portal linking Danville with Ponyville. After bumping into an evil genius almost as creatively wicked as she, she's intrigued to cause havoc with him. What does this delicious duo have in store for Ponyville? That ans

There's not much to say about the friendship of Tiara and the doof. That being said, Doof and Tiara aren't really friends. They're more like clever companions. Curious? You should be, my friend ;)

Published 2014-10-20 21:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-20 21:10:08 UTC

Cohorts

She was smart. She was probably one of the smartest and underrated masterminds that ever met the scientist, and definitely one of the only fillies. Sure, he was a bumbling idiot compared to her, and compared to most sane beings of the world. No, this was a very interesting dynamic that mankind wasn't ready for. Only, like most things in life, not being ready didn't stop it from happening. Yes, they met. The two met and they found out they were meant to be. Ew, no, not romantically. They were meant to be an evil duo. Solo they were terrific, sure, but as one they became an unstoppable team! What a miserable lie…however there's much more of a story to tell. Where shall we start? Oh, I know! Let's start where it all began: the back booth at McDonalds.

"Vanessa, I'll find us a seat while you get the food. I like to sit in the back because that way I can look out the window, but the people who are about to come in the building don't have to walk past me with their empty stomachs and stare intently at my food. It's very annoying really, it's a FAST food restaurant, and they're going to be getting their food QUICKLY: it's right there in the title! Why do they have to make me uncomfortable by looking at my food with their big wide eyes and-"

"Dad! The food's done," Vanessa sighed, holding the trays.

"See? We just ordered and it's already here!" With a twin sigh, Vanessa led her father to the back where his seating preference was. Dr. Doof gasped in horror to see all of the clientele already occupying the seats.

"Well, I guess we're going to have to go somewhere else."

"Vanessa! I haven't raised you to be a person that doesn't care where their seat is located! No, we will wait for a few of these old geezers to move. I knew we shouldn't have come for the early bird breakfast!" Vanessa groaned, annoyance covering her in a blanket.

"Dad, I'm starving. You can wait for these people to turn to ash, but I'm going to go eat my pancakes."

"Oh fine, be a quitter, but while people drool over your food and destroy your appetite I will be enjoying my peaceful breakfast!" Vanessa simply rolled her eyes and found a nice seat towards the front, where she began to eat uninterrupted. Dr. Doof stared down at his plate and looked at his biscuits and gravy. That gravy is the perfect temperature. It's been sitting there just long enough to not mutilate my tongue, but it's quickly getting too cold to make my biscuits disgustingly soggy. Where's a chair? I just need one chair! I may as well just- Ooh! A booth! Dr. Doof rushed quickly to the empty booth in the corner. He sat down and lifted his legs to place them in the booth parallel until he could get his daughter's attention and ask her to join him. Much to his surprise however, he was scolded by a squeaky little voice.

"Watch it daddy long legs!" it scoffed. "Someone's already sitting here!" Dr. Doof peered over the table to see a little pink pony sitting in front of him.

"W-what? A talking pony? Is this another one of Major Monogram's schemes?"

"Listen, I'm sure whatever you're blabbing about doesn't have anything to do with anything I'm even close to pretending to be interested in, but I'm trying to eat my biscuits and gravy, alright? So, leave my booth."

"You like McDonalds biscuits and gravy too?" asked the scientist. "That's so interesting, because I-"

"Leave my booth," repeated the pink little pony.

"Why do you need an entire booth to yourself, anyway?" asked the professor.

"Because, I'm here alone, and I want to sit ALONE," she explained slowly.

"Well I want to sit in the back!" whined the Dr.

"Look, I'm sure all your friends back here want to sit with you. Go sit with them."

"Friends? These old bags? As if! I'm WAY too young to hang out with ol' pops and his wife!" Much to the surprise of both evil characters, the tiaraed pony began to chortle.

"T-that was a good one…" she skittishly admitted. Instantly, the Dr. smiled and moved to the other side of the booth where the filly sat.

"They call me Heinz, Heinz Doofenshmirts."

"Ugh, they call me Diamond Tiara, because it's my name. Why do they call you such a horrible insult?"

"It's not an insult it's my- Oh! I see what you did there! Ha-ha, very funny, my name sounds so terrible it sounds like an insult, yes, yes very comical."

"It's funny alright, but seriously. What do you do for a living? Stuff down fast food and invade booths?"

"No, that's more like a hobby thing. I am really an evil genius with an arch nemesis: Perry the Platypus!"

"Ohhh, sounds kinda like me! Only I have a bunch of blank flanks as arch nemeses."

"Blank-flanks?"

"Blank flanks, they're the major losers of ponyville. Total freaks, really," explained the pony.

"Oh, man, freaks ruin EVERYTHING," groaned the Dr. "I don't even know why don't have laws against them. For instance, there's this temp where my nemesis works and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I really don't care. Now, if you'll excuse me, my hash browns are getting soggy."

"Oh, no they're not. This is McDonalds, the only relevance to real food is the look and that's only sometimes. Leave a cheeseburger on the front lawn a few days and go check on it! Guarantee it'll be the same level of edibility."

"You know what, I like you Doof," the pony giggled.

"Well, thank you Diamond Tiara. You know, you're not so terrible yourself."

"Oh, yes I am," she defended. "Terrible in the best way possible. I'm so much better than any other evil pony in Equestria!"

"Equestria? W-what's what?"

"Ugh, it's the world I'm from. I'm not much of an inventor, but I thought it'd be interesting to find a world better suited to adore me. I ended up here instead, so I gave up inventing. That was like a year ago though, and I kinda liked it here. So now I come back every so often just to have some of this food. I don't know what these little brown bits in this gravy is, but it makes it so much better than the kind in ponyville."

"Oh, that's sausage," Doof explained. Diamond looked at the man, confused.

"What's that?" she questioned.

"Sausage? It's the fat part of little piggy's. It's really kind of gross to think about, but if you don't think about it and just eat it: it's marvelous!"

"Are you kidding me?! You guys EAT animals!? What's your problem!?"

"You don't eat meat? Are all of you like those vegans that-"

"I've got to get home!" Diamond grunted, excusing herself from the table by leaping over Doof's lap.

"Wait, wait, wait!" begged Heinz, traveling closely behind her. Diamond opened the portal to Equestria, leaping into its abyss, Doof following close enough to jump in himself.

"Leave!" Diamond fought while they were traveling through this new universe back to Equestria.

"I would, but I'm not sure how!"

"Neither am I, but when we get back to Equestria: you're going back!" Diamond fought. Heinz and Diamond wound up on the ground of Sweet Apple Acres, dazed and confused.

"L-look at all these colors!" gasped Doof. "It's like a magical world made by six year old girl imaginations!"

"Yeah, yeah the world is beautiful now get your beak back in the portal!"

"Beak? Now, I understand anger but making fun of my physical appearance is just flat out rude!" Doof frowned, grabbing at his lab coat where his heart resided beneath. "No, I don't think I will oblige that with obedience. In fact, I am going to rudely stride away from the portal until it closes!" With all her might, Diamond shoved the scientist towards the gaping hole, however nothing changed. Doof stood there, hunched over and arms crossed.

"You are impossible!" growled Diamond, crossing her front legs and slumping down. "I can't stand you and I JUST met you!"

"I guess that makes us nemeses?" suggested the man.

"No…not nemeses…we're more like friends."

"Not friends if we despise each other. How about, cohorts?"

"Cohorts? Hmm…I like it!" Diamond smiled.

"Well then, cohorts it is!" Dr. Doof made it to his feet and helped Diamond up as well. "What shall we do first?"

"How about a name for us?"

"Yes…a name…a name so evil it makes our true nemeses CRINGE with fear!"

"Nah, more like a title that gives you the run-down. How about…hmm….Oh! How about Tiara and the Doof?"

"That sounds so insulting! What about Diamond and-"

"The rough?" giggled the pink pony with a taunt.

"No! No that won't work at all…what about-"

"Great, then it's settled. Mine works, and yours doesn't. Ok?" Before argument could ensue, Diamond stood up to leave. "Let's get out of here before Nigel Thornberry and Granny Smith figure out we're here."

"Nigel Thornberry?"

"Yep, the Bozo from TV. He married Granny Smith for the farm and to see all the animals that lived in Ponyville. Not really sure why he came here or how he even got here, but he's the most horrifying thing anypony here has ever seen. So it's dangerous here. I vote he be our first nemesis."

"Sounds fine with me, but should we wait around to see- OH MY GOODNESS THAT'S HIM!?" Turning around, Diamond witnessed what he was talking about and saw the redhead charging towards them on all fours. As quickly as physically possible, the two new cohorts fled the farm and left to plot their first i-nator.