My Life as a Bipedal Quadruped

by Snakeskin Ducttape

I was not always awake, but when I was...

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Intro part 2: Excitement in the woods

The Everfree forest is not to be traveled through carelessly, but the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony was a force to be reckoned with, nigh-omnipotent magical artefacts or not.

So it was after a short and somewhat anti-climactic journey that the champions of Equestria stood in front of Zecora the potion-master's hut.

*knock-knock*

After Twilight knocked on Zecora's door they heard her answer, a bit drowsily, "Visitors are free to open after they knock, that's why my door does not have a lock."

The friends looked at each other, slightly confused at the lazy sounding voice. Twilight pushed the door open and the six ponies filed in.

The Zebra was positioned in a, for her, usual meditative position, balanced upside-down on top of a quarterstaff. The air was often thick inside Zecora's hut, but this time it was extraordinarily so. The striped potion-master opened an eye and smiled in a relaxed way when she saw who was visiting her.

"Ah, dear friends, at the moment you should take care to breathe easy, right now the air in here might make you feel queasy." The six ponies noticed that Zecora's enormous cauldron that usually sat in the fire-pit in the middle of the hut had been replaced with a smaller one, and from it rose fumes that was giving of a sweet but thick smell. They felt a bit light-headed.

Rainbow Dash decided to land rather than stir up more fumes from the cauldron with her flapping wings. "Yeah, good advice, what are you doing?" she asked.

"As Applebloom found out when she offered me assistance, potion-makers should take care to sharpen their resistance," Zecora answered. When she saw the confused expressions she elaborated. "I mean that I'm adjusting myself to not be knocked out, every time a mix a potion extra stout."

"Oh," Twilight answered. "I see, this is simply for hardening yourself for when you use ingredients with hallucogenic effects?"

"Ooh! Ooh! Mr and Mrs Cake said I couldn't use those in my pastries!" Said Pinkie Pie. "Which I don't really understand, I thought they could be great for when the foals visit the dentist."

The others looked at Pinkie for a moment before Rarity spoke up. "Yes, well, we are actually here on some important business. Twilight, dear, it's probably best if you take it from here." Rarity paused and looked a bit embarrassed when she realized that she had just spoken in rhyme like their zebra friend.

Twilight started explaining to Zecora about the incident back at the library and how a creature from another world was transported to the edge of the Everfree. "So we decided to come here in case it wandered into the woods and... Zecora, could we take this conversation outside?"

"Oh, my head in my behind," Zecora said as she gracefully jumped down from the top of her staff and invited the others to exit her hut. "I've gotten used to it, it slipped my mind."

The others drew some welcome breaths of fresh air and hoped that the slight swaying of their vision would fade soon.

"Well," Twilight continued. "You know this forest, we wondered if you've seen anything."'

"Princess, I am sorry to say, I have not spied anything unusual this day. But you still did right in coming to me, I cannot let something innocent wander among the dangers of the Everfree." Zecora said.

"That's great! I would like to try and pinpoint the place where it arrived to see if I can track it, I'm pretty sure it hasn't been staying still. And if that doesn't work, perhaps you might find it? I feel it's a bit much to ask you to search for some unknown creature in the Everfree," Twilight said.

"Worry not, Twilight Sparkle, for my safety as I know this place to and fro," Zecora said. "After all, I live here, as you know."

-

Sometimes you wake up bit by bit, awareness slowly creeping up on you and ease you into the idea that you should take a look at the alarm-clock, then teasing you with the knowledge that you're probably gonna have to catapult yourself out of bed and skip breakfast if you don't want to be late for work.

Other times you wake up instantly and feel ready to go tackle whatever the day has to offer.

I woke up with a strange mix of elements of both options. You might think that this is just normal waking up, but it turns out that no, that doesn't need to be the case.

What I'm saying is that I was suddenly awake and aware that I had no idea of where I was.

There was a rustling sound all around me and I was lying in a strange position in a dark and tight place. And the whole world seemed to be swinging around.

Oh right, the bag.

Alright, I've been awake for two short spells I think. And I seem to have, ugh, fainted both times. This ends now.

Vision... not very helpful at the moment. How about smell? Whoa! I know you only found hints of dirty cloth but impressive work! I didn't know you were that good. Taste, judging by what smell found you probably don't want any part in this. Touch? In a swinging bag you said earlier. An itchy one. Interesting. Hearing, you're up. Rhythmic thumps, like footfalls? Vision, smell and touch all suggest that I'm being carried around somewhere in that infamous bag. Hearing's findings supports available data. And also suggest that there's up to three individuals around me.

I decided that I should probably try to gather more information before acting. Thankfully, the exhaustion seems to have gone from paralyzing to merely debilitating. I can move things now! Sort of at least.

Okay, hand, listen up. You and sense of touch are going on a fact finding-expedition. Your first target: My face.

I moved my hand up to my head and was immediately greeted with something big and hard rubbing against my cheek. Hand, I notice that you didn't bring touch with you. I know you two don't always like working together, especially when hot soup is involved, but this is important, okay? Wait! Forget touch for now. Move down a bit

I slid my hand and whatever it was covered in down across my throat. Compared to what I was used to this seemed like a colossal undertaking. To put it bluntly my neck was enormous. And unlike my hand I could feel it's texture, and it felt alien. Oh this is bad. Strangely shaped body parts means injuries and if this is a swelling I could be in serious trouble.

The bag I was in suddenly lurched in some direction and cartoonishly dumb sounding voice said "Uh, me thinks pony wake up."

Pony? There were talk about ponies before... Really large neck and hard hand without a sense of touch? Hand, or whatever you are these days... Inspect my face again.

A voice very similar to the other said from another direction "What we do now? Boss said to take pony to pony-town before it notice it gone."

My mouth and my nose were positioned on an outcropping ahead of the rest of my head. I have a snout! No, wait. That's not it. Oh, what's the word? I thought as I mentally snapped my fingers, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with the reason why I couldn't do it physically.

"Stupid! You wake it up!" The voice of Andy Serkis said. "We leave it here. Ponies won't know, boss won't know." They're talking about me aren't they? I wonder if them leaving me is a good thing or a bad thing.

"But this place full of timber wolves," the one closest to me said. That answers that.

As I felt myself being lowered to the ground a howl sounded in the distance. My hoof's journey of discovery temporarily halted.

"Me going back to mine! bring pony if you want but me not sticking around!" The third speaker said. They're literally throwing me to the wolves? You're not Andy Serkis!

I saw an opening in my little habitat as the designated bag carrier let it go from his grip and the sound of three sets of footfalls, or pawfalls I guess, vanished into the distance.

Between being so fatigued that I can barely move, being captured by enormous dogs, carried around in a bag and discovering that my body was not my own, I feel I've handled the situation fairly well. However, I was now getting worried. The howls had quieted down but I wasn't relaxing yet.

So what's the first order of business? Getting out of the bag and getting a look at my new form would be a good start. I started dragging myself towards the opening of the bag and out into the world. True enough, my foot seemed to be a hoof as well and- ow! No way. I just pulled my tail with it. I poked my head out of the bag with some difficulty and looked around.

I was in a forest it seems. Or by the edge of one I realized now that I'd had a closer look. There was a sort of treeline where the forest is really dense on one side, and in the other direction I could see it open up into rolling plains, my sense of smell was reminding me that it was now really sharp but I filed that away until later. I would really like to move towards the plains at that point, for several reasons. I was pretty sure that the howls I heard came in the direction of the woods and the landscape of the plains were a lot more inviting, also there was a really lovely sunset partially visible through the trees which I would like to get a closer look at.

However, I suspected that reaching the plains wouldn't be that simple. I dragged myself the rest of the way out of the bag and raised my head from the ground to take a look at myself. True enough, I was now in an equine body. With royal blue fur for some reason. That was weird. I couldn't really tell as I had nothing to compare myself with nearby, but I was also pretty sure that I was very small. Like the body of a child. Or a foal.

One thing that I had suspected all along from the sensations of lying in the bag, but which I was still a little disappointed to discover, was my arm and leg, or lack thereof. As always, my right arm was completely gone, this time however it seems the scar was not directly visible beneath the fur. My right leg, or hindleg now, was also missing a few inches down through the thigh. And what a thigh is called on a horse, I have no idea. My tail caught my attention too, It was poofy, and a light shade of orange with indigo highlights. I was almost entranced by my bizarre coloration before a thought struck me.

Aw geeze! Aren't horses put down when their legs are crippled? Things are looking worse by the second. And then there're the wolves!

Alright, let's say I manage to get away from any predators, unlikely, would I be euthanized as soon as I reach civilization?

I felt something like a jolt of electricity shooting through my head as I realized what I was experiencing. I'm a tiny blue horse! How am I even having lucid thought's at the moment!? Why am I not a blubbering wreck!? Wait, maybe I was. Maybe my perception of reality had gone completely out the window and this is just me getting bored of the pillow-room and hug-yourself shirt? No, let's not think like that. Because if this is real that's a dangerous road to walk down. Heh, trot down. Then again, if I wasn't mistaken I had already slept twice since all this started. Maybe that has something to do with it. Subconsciousness and all that. Also, you're a professional, it's not becoming to refer to medical restraints that way.

I let my head fall down to the ground again. Hmm, speaking of blubbering, can I make sounds? Can I talk? I felt a bit sheepish for not having tried that earlier.

"Uh, I- Whoa, I can!" I said excitedly. "Okay, that certainly helps with the euthanasia-factor." If I can talk then I can ask for help. And would you really put down a horse when It's actually telling you not to? My mouth (still drawing a blank on what a horse's mouth is actually called) wasn't as long as a on real horse but it still wasn't near the shape of a human mouth. I found it funny how I could talk so fluently despite that.

Clearly there's more to this situation than bad news. So let's not give up. Now that I'm coming to terms with being a colorful little horsie, for the moment at least, let's move on and check myself for injuries. This is kind of warranted considering my fatigue. I raised myself up again and took another look. No, I seem to be doing all right. Next my head. I felt my mane around my wrist (another horse-term I'm unfamiliar with) and like my tail it was also huge and poofy. I shook it to the front of my eyes and was met with bangs that can only be described as magnificent, and I had a distinct feeling that I knew how it looked in a mirror. CaaAAaarie. CaaAAAAAAAaarie! Heh! Oh, that felt good. A nice change from the worry and utter confusion.

I've already figured by my coloration and sort of magnificent tail and hairdo that I'm not a normal horse, or pony if those dog things are to be believed, but it was still a pleasant surprise to learn about my foreleg's wide range of motion. I could point it in almost every direction and reach every part of my head, and while fingers would have helped with the inspection, I didn't seem to have any injuries- wait! What's this?

A hard protrusion sticking out of my forehead. Am I? No way. But then again, what else has been normal recently? I looked up.

I'm a unicorn. This is great! I'm magical and-... damn! I'm pretty sure I read a story when I was a kid where a bunch of bad guys were poaching unicorns for the healing properties of their horns. This could complicate the whole finding-civilization-and-asking-for-help thing. Then again, aren't unicorns supposed to be impossible, or near-impossible, to capture? I looked down and inspected myself again. *sigh* I guess there has to be exceptions, how else would the stories exist?

These last few minutes had offered so many revelations that I startled myself a bit when I remembered the wolf howls. I took another look around and let out a sigh of relief when I found out that I was still alone. I was also starting to appreciate the perks with my new neck. Maybe those wolves had caught the scent of something else and skulked away in another direction? Hmph! Hopefully towards those dogs.

But anyway, there clearly are predators around here, which means that I should not be. I started dragging myself across the ground out from the treeline. The good news about this is that it wasn't painful at all, barely even uncomfortable. You'd expect that dragging yourself on your belly across the forest floor would start hurting immediately, but not for me it seems. The bad news was that this was going really, really slow. And while I had enough energy look around and feel around with my hoof, relocating myself in any meaningful way just wasn't an option, at least for more than a minute, which seemed to be about four body-lengths.

Time to reassess my situation: I am currently in what is likely a dangerous place. I lack the strength and physical aptitude to even move or fend for myself. I look like a creature of fantasy. I can talk, but likely the only individuals aware of my state and location didn't seem like ally-material. I am uninjured, though, and I have a- Of course! I have a magical horn!

Alright, this could be the last venue available to me as far as I can tell. If I can do magic, maybe I can help myself.

So, how does one do magic with one's horn?

To my slight dismay I realized that I have no idea where to even start.

Okay, let's not give up now, you've read fantasy novels. How do they do it in those?

Funny how hard that was to remember all of a sudden. Come on, think! Magic words, perhaps? What's the first thing Harry Potter learned? Those books had this Latin thing going on, right? Let's try that. You know some words in Latin.

"Ignus!"

Nothing.

Well, maybe it requires some visualization or something. Now that I think about it, perhaps I shouldn't try that again, lighting a forest on fire while I'm in it and unable to move is not a good idea.

What else? Oh, right! You know how to tell Romans to go home! Much better idea. Let's see, "Romanes eunt domus". I sniggered a bit as John Cleese chastised me in my head. No, "Romani... something, Domun". What was that middle word? Argh! Where's Youtube when you need it? Think. Think. "Romani ite domun". That's it! Now, "ite" is plural for "i", and "ego" is some form of self like "me" or "I". hopefully this could send me home!

"Ego I Domun."

Still nothing.

Yeah, that would have been too good to be true, wouldn't it? Whatever, concentrate and try again. Try and tense up your horn.

"Ego I Domun!"

There was a sensation there. This time try to really project yourself into your horn. I closed my eye.

"Ego I- what?

I felt it, all around me. The earth, and the air, and the trees. I'm not sure how to describe it with words, but it was life, and power, and... Magic. The sensation was gone a moment after It began, but somehow I knew what it was I saw. Or rather, felt.

It wasn't the "magic words", was it? I projected myself into my horn again and I, sensed, magic as it swirled around me. It's difficult to describe, but it was like seeing, and still not. When you use your sight to see something, that something blocks or obscures whatever is behind it, unless that something is invisible, in which case you do not see it. This it wasn't so this time, I could perceive the world beyond my senses, everything, all around me.

Imagine perceiving scents with your eyes. It had the nose's ability to take in sensations from numerous sources that would block each other if they were perceived with sight, and the instant feedback of the eyes. I know I've seen this before, but where? Where and when could I have visualized magic before?

There are some shrubs over there. I can see, feel how one small twig was dying as leaves higher up blocked its access to sunlight, the magic slowly leaving it. I perceived the swirling shapes and colors in the twig, muted compared to the ones around it, and somehow I knew what they meant, and knew how they could be influenced. So, I definitely have magic. How do I use it and not just observe it?

I closed my eye and projected myself into my horn, and this time I reached out.

The twig instantly became full of life again and pushed it's way above the others and into the open.

"... Interesting."

-

Scratch and his brother, Scratch, were not having a good day. They were very conflicted, something they did not enjoy. Boss had been very clear when he said that taking ponies is a bad idea. And that the one they found should be returned before it wakes up and and before anyone else notices that it's gone. It was simple, boss was above them in the hierarchy, and when he told them to do something they did it.

The thing is, Lugnut was also above them in the hierarchy, and he told them to abandon the pony, even though boss was above him too! And boss told him too!

Scratch's brain was hurting.

Even so, he had to admit, being where the timber wolves were not was a pretty good thing. Lugnut was in charge of them right now so he should be the one to blame if anyone finds out what they've done.

Yeah, it was Lugnut's fault. Maybe he should tell boss about what Lugnut had done. Scratch didn't like Lugnut. If Scratch told the boss what Lugnut had done, Lugnut might get Black Bag-duty.

"If you tell boss about this, I make sure you get Black Bag-duty!" Lugnut shouted to Scratch. So much for that idea.

Lugnut had been yelling angrily at Scratch and his brother on and off for some time as they ran back towards the mine when he suddenly yelped.

"Ow! What? Whaaat iiis...-" Lugnut sounded strange as Scratch looked at him and saw him holding a dart in his paw.

Lugnut collapsed on the ground and began snoring heavily, this was better than him yelling, but Scratch didn't like the thought of those around him suddenly collapsing. Scratch was conflicted again.

Scratch heard something behind him and turned around to see a pony in a robe standing there. She held a blow-gun in her mouth. Scratch prided himself in being able to figure out that the pony shot a dart at Lugnut. And it only took him a few seconds to do so!

"You found a creature earlier, to the west. It seems you took it back to your nest," the pony said calmly. Scratch wasn't the brightest of diamond dogs, he knew enough to know that. But being a diamond dog means having a good sense of when something is more dangerous than you. For once, Scratch was not conflicted. It was best to answer this pony's question. Truthfully, and fast.

"Uh, yeah, Lugnut found small pony," Scratch said and slowly backed away with his brother.

"A small pony from beyond the world's veil?" the cloaked pony seemed to say to herself. "Go on, I would like to hear this tale."

"Uh, Lugnut found small pony with horn, small pony was broken so Lugnut said it could not escape," Scratch said. He was confused. The pony in front of him was clearly more than a match for them. But things that were more than a match for him were usually bigger and spent a lot more time snarling and drooling. That was probably because almost all things he had seen that were more dangerous than him were other diamond dogs. Ponies, it seemed, can be dangerous when just standing still. Scratch was learning a lot today.

"Interesting, so tell me now. This pony was broken how?" The pony said.

Scratch suspected that he didn't know the proper... what was it now? Words! That's it. "Uh, just broken, some bits gone." The pony gestured for him to continue. "Then we took it to boss. Boss get angry at Lugnut. Boss don't want ponies in mine. Boss said to take the pony to pony village before they notice. Then we go, and pony wake up when we over there," Scratch said and pointed behind the pony. "And we hear timber wolves. Then Lugnut tells us to leave pony and we do." Lugnut was getting worried. The pony in front of him was getting tense. Like boss sometimes did. But worse.

Finally, it spoke again. "You should make sure that by something else you are not found, for the Everfree's beasts would surely appreciate prey that is just lying around." The pony gestured towards Lugnut, still snoring on the ground. Then it turned away and galloped in the direction he had pointed. Scratch didn't get the feeling that it was fleeing.

Scratch looked at his brother. They picked up Lugnut by his paws and started hauling him towards the mine as fast as they could. Scratch was not conflicted anymore, boss was gonna hear about this, and Scratch didn't care that Lugnut didn't want that.

-

Zecora raced through the forest, relieved that she managed to control her emotions. It had been difficult, but she didn't have time to pummel diamond dogs when a foal's life was at risk.

The dogs had brought a maimed foal to the edge of the Everfree. Zecora was running as fast as the greatest earth pony athlete. And then they left it there when timber wolves were closing in. A doctor would've been worried that Zecora would hurt herself at this rate. There was no time to warn the elements. She only had a vague idea of where they would be. Zecora sped up.

-

Okay, I can sense magic around me and I can influence some of it to some extent. Hey, what do I look like, magically? I Projected myself into my horn again and copped a feel. Copped a felt? I'm not using that phrase again.

Wow, it was really something. Beautiful, fascinating shapes made up my new form. And I made some really interesting discoveries: My arm and leg, the physically missing ones that is, were still there magically. And I had digits curled up around my hooves, with a slightly different magical "tone" than the rest of me. They moved when I willed my fingers to move.

I reached out and tried to pluck a strand of grass. No dice. There must be some trick to it. I'll figure it out later.

Well then. What to do now? I should try and improve my situation with my new abilities. But how? And in which way?

Taking a magical look at myself again I noticed that I can move my phantom limbs. Cause I figured that was an appropriate term. But they didn't seem to be able to interact with the physical world though.

Suddenly I heard a loud snarl behind me and I whipped my head around to face...

Wolves made out of wood? I was sort of grateful for that last part because the fear of having a pack of predators sneaking up on me and the puzzlement over the bizarre sight sort of cancelled out each others' paralyzing effects.

"Ooh, "timber wolves", I get it!" I said

The one in front, there were six in all, snarled again. Oh, right. This is not the time to appreciate puns.

Okay, this is bad, very bad. But I have mysterious powers that and I don't even know what they can do. Everything's not hopeless but I should act soon.

The one in front started charging towards me. No, Wait! I need to come up with a plan first!

It was about to pounce me when a branch- no, a staff shot into it from the side and nailed it into a tree where large chunks of it were smashed of. Whew! But what's going on now?

I looked to the direction where the staff had come from to see a robed zebra jump out through the undergrowth and place herself with a wide stance between myself and the remaining wolves. Wow!

"To hunt and kill this one you are free," the zebra said. Wait? They're free to- then what's with the rescue? "but know that you will have to go through me," she concluded. Oh, it was bravado! In verse! I like this one.

Two of the wolves charged while the other three split up into two different directions. The zebra gracefully jumped over the charging wolves and cartwheeled towards her staff. There's a talking zebra over here doing kung fu! I had never been to Kansas. But if I had, I wouldn't think that I was there anymore.

I am now being rescued by a zebra, and while things are getting really exciting, I am starting to get really shaky. Maybe I should try and get away? It would be easier for my rescuer if she didn't have to worry about protecting me at least.

I must've looked pretty pathetic at that point, pawing at the ground, trying uselessly to get away, when I looked back at the zebra who was flipping through the air, smacking the wolves with her staff and kicking them with her rear hooves. That's when I noticed that the injuries she inflicted were being unmade, the splinters and twigs that left the wolves' bodies seemed to have a life of their own and they reunited with their bodies constantly.

No wolf was heading for me yet though. The zebra have apparently got the full attention of the pack. Wait- Uh oh.

I looked toward the spot where the first casualty of the fight lay, the wolf that had charged me was also being reassembled. My heart sank. It was pretty clear that the zebra was trying to rescue me, but since the enemy was apparently infinite, that could only happen by retreating, something that I was just not capable of.

The wolf was now completely reassembled and while I could hear the fight going strong behind me, this one seemed to have eyes only for me. It was slowly advancing and snarling, something I found superfluous as I was plenty scared at that point anyway.

It started charging once more and I let out a startled cry as I desperately tried to scamper away.

My rescuer seems to have noticed, though, as she had disengaged with the other foes and was once again rushing to my aid.

She jumped over me towards my attacker and judging by the sound she showed it what's what one more time.

However, her luck seems to have run out, because the other wolves had been following her and this time she did not have time to prepare a defense.

The world slowed down as I took in what was happening. My rescuer had gone to seemingly impossible lengths to keep me safe, but now she was going to die, and then I was going to die, and it would be my fault. I would never even know her name.

... This will not do.

I projected myself into my horn and saw the world in that strange way again. My rescuer was a bright, shining beacon, and the ones heading for her were crisp shapes of swirling colors.

I knew what I was looking for. And I knew where to find it.

There!

I was running out of time. They were inches from her. They would bring her down. Tear mortal wound and break bones. This time, I didn't just reach out with my magic, I poured it all out of my horn. This was not the time for subtleties.

I had really just intended to find the central point for the wolves' magic, their heart, or core, so to speak, and give it a good yanking. But it seems I overdid it a bit.

A nova of energy shot out through my horn and the timber wolves were blasted into pieces which started raining down across the landscape.

I was suddenly extremely tired. And I want you to consider the word "extremely" for a bit. But first things first.

The zebra was lying on her side a small ways away from where she stood when the wolves had pounced.

Oh no, no no nononono. Did it get her too? She seemed unharmed but I needed to make sure.

Once again I tried to project myself into my horn but it didn't work. Drained of magic, perhaps? That could explain why I felt so cold all of a sudden.

Oh, and here's Nap-Time again.

No, Nap-Time, this is important!

I started crawling over to my rescuer with a haste that only desperation can summon. I was utterly exhausted but rest had to wait.

I finally reached her and... She breathes!

She lives, she looks unharmed. Okay Nap-Time, where were we?

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