ButtonTron reviews Earthworm Jim 3d.
I Love the smell of bacon in the morning.
ButtonTron Strolled through ponyville local pawn shop, browsing the shelves for a new game to review.
He gazed into the shelf of N64 games, he picked “Sonnys wrecking balls.”
ButtonTron stroked his thin beard, considering the game.
“Hey sweetie, what do ya think of this?” ButtonTron Asked the filly next to him.
“Scanning,.....chance of cancer, 38%” The filly said in a obvious robotic tone, her green eyes turning red with each syllable.
“Little more than I want to risk,” ButtonTron replaced the game, “No thank you.”
Then Button’s eyes fell on a bright yellow cartridge, it brightened in a heavenly glow as his gaze met it, he pulled it off the shelf and read the title.
“Earthworm jim?,.....3D! OOOOHHHHH MMMMMYY GGGAAWWND Sweetie! theres IS a third Earthworm Jim game! the one we've been praying for! on the,....N64? Dosent matter I gotta play this!”
“How Much?” Button asked.
The Pawnbroker stroked this beard,
“6 bits.”
Button dramatically reached into his pocket and slammed the contents on the counter. He removed his hoof to reveal a paperclip, a allen wrench and a ponografic playing card.
Button eyed sweetie belle, his eyes narrowed with the weight of the decision he was about to make.
“How much will you give me for the robot?”
“Fair Trade.”
“Deal,” Button grabbed the game and galloped through the door.
The Pawnbroker turned to Sweetie belle, “How are ya at alphabetizing d.v.d.s?”
Sweetie’s eyes began to glow red.
Button sat down on his couch, he looked at the cartridge again. “Wow I still can’t believe this exists, wait what is that?”
Button looked closer “Issat,....Issat the rockstar logo? IT IS! the same company who made GTA, bully and the Red Dead series made Earthworm jim 3d on the n64. This is gonna be better than I
imagined!”
ButtonTron then went into a bit of a rant.
“Earthworm jim was a famous video game character from the golden age of the 16-bit era, having both versions on the sega and nintendo, many preferred the nintendo version despite the sega having better graphics and two more levels. But the sega just couldn't compete with the nintendo more powerful sound card giving us more crisp sound effects and the hilarious and catchy soundtrack.”
“Later Earthworm jim had a sequel on the same consoles and nintendo won out again. Both games had hilarious characters, awesome level design, and wonderful music. Truly a great era for the 16 bit consoles.”
“I did a little research, shiny entertainment, the original developers of Earthworm Jim. Sold the rights to interplay, a company known for making the first two fallout games for microsoft windows, who handed it to via entertainment, a smaller division of the company. this game then went into the long Duke nukem, Team fortress esq development period where it changed console, programmers and entire engines until its release in 1999, four years after the 2nd game. it got so bad that interply brought in programmers from a relatively new company, Rockstar.”
“WAIT! am I telling me that this game was made by Rockstar and Interplay! How did I not know about this before? enough education lets play the damn game.”
Button threw the game across the room where it landed in the slot of his N64 which was bolted to the wall for some reason.
Button was then interrupted by the door opening revealing Button robotic girlfriend.
“Sweetie! youre Back! how?”
“Its amazing what people will let go of when it tortures there groin for 2 hours straight,”
“Ok, wait what? I sold you like 5 minutes ago.”
“I have control over time.”
“Oh ok, lets play the game.”
“So the game starts in the usual fashion, we got the rockstar logo, interplay and OHH MY GEEZESS WHAT IS THAT!?”
Button paused the image of Earthworm jim on the screen.
“Issat,...Issat Earthworm jim? He looks like Arnold schwarzenegger with a telephone pole for a head! look at those polygons, its,.... its,.....gawd awful to look at.”
“So we watch Jim here play poka for a few minutes, you know cuz he played poka SOOOOOO much in his last games.”
The title screen the shows Jim getting smashed by a cow.
“Pissh what!? you know its a good game if you hero immediately gets obliterated by livestock. Its like if you started a Mario game and he immediately disappears up a chicken's ass.”
“After all that will finally see some of the game via the demo on the title screen, and what do they show us? a Epic battle? a taste of the humor of the game? no the show us Jim trying to figure out this boring ass puzzle,....and it shows us him failing it, I’m fucking serious we watch him do half the puzzle them die halfway through,.....ugh i haven't even started yet.
“So it turns out the story is that our hero “Jim” has been struck by a cow, For some reason, and is now in a deep coma where we must escape Jims own thoughts, Jeez Life of pi had a better premise than this. And that Jim has literally lost his marbles, and i think i may be losing some too buy just listening to this.”
Button smacked the side of his head, several marble fell out of his ear and onto the floor.
“Ya see, you didn't take me seriously but look,...it really happened.”
“So you play though some of the most confusing level design ever, some of the worst third person shooting ever, launch some fridges and meet elvis, Im serious, you meet elvis and launch some fridges like rockets, I think this is a shadow of the first game where you launch a cow and it comes back to haunt you in the end, but i have the strangest feeling i'm not gonna see the end.”
“Many critics hated this game because it was based off the tv show, its not even that. The Show was good and even starred Jim cummings and Dan castella who would go on to provide the voice of Homer Simpson. This is just random nonsense but without the Earthworm Jim charm.”
“So after about about 3 hours of whatever this game is we get to the first boss, and Hey Hey! its Psy-crow, ok so hes in a tank and I have to fight him,......while riding atop a pig?”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,” Psy-crow informed ButtonTron.
“Thats cool, doesn't explain why I get a pig and you get a tank and the game thinks its fair.”
“So this boss fight isn't even a boss, its a collect-athon. Theres 100 marbles in the level and you have to get them all, there's these rockets you can shoot at Psy-crow to make him drop his marbles so you can pick them up, but unfortunately Psy-crow can do the same, theres a time limit where if you don’t have all the marbles you lose, you could have 99 marbles and Psy-crow can have 1 and he’ll still win.”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,” Psy-crow reiterated as Button Tron restarted the level.
Button once again found immense frustration in trying desperately to collect the last of the marbles, he had five left, he saw the rest lying in a corner of the map. Button quickly served his pig and collected the last of the marbles with five seconds on the clock.
“I Did it!”
Buttons victory was short lived when Psy-crow hit him with a rocket and made him drop several marbles just before time ran out.
“Yea, Okay, Yeah Okay, Yeah Okay YEAH Okay, YEAH OKAY THE FUCKING BATTLE DOESN'T END WHEN I GET THE MARBLES WHAT THE SHEIT! I’m done.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“NO! I done!” Button yelled as he turned off the T.V.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“STAHP!”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“Da Faq!? NO!” He pushed the power on the console but it was so hot it burned his hoof.
“ECH!” button shouted before he sucked on his burnt hoof.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
The game flew from the console and began to chase Button.
“AAH! Sweetie quick! activate protocol file 32!”
Sweetie bot activated her hoof rockets and crashed through buttons roof.
“Okay Sweetie obviously doesn't know what protocol file 32 is.” Button quickly sprinted through his house as the game cartridge cased him repeating the same line.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
Button’s hooves screeched as he came to a stop in the kitchen, he scrambled to the top of the fridge.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
The game flew into the kitchen where it stopped in front of the fridge, Button quickly put his back to the wall and pushed on the fridge with his rear hooves.
“I Love the smell of bacon in the morning,”
The fridge tipped, coming down on the game, crushing it.
“There, *Pant, How did you like the smell of that?” Button wheezed.
The fridge began to rumble.
“Oh Sheit!”
“I LOVE THE SMELL OF BACON IN THE MORNING!” a Demonic voice rumbled as fire began to leak out from under the fridge.
“MMROOOOOOOOO” a cow uddered (HA!) as it crashed through the roof of Buttons house and obliterated the fridge and the game.
Button just stared wide eyed as Sweetie flew though the new hole in his roof and landed next to him.”
“Protocol file 32, complete.” Said Sweetie.
Button shook his head, “Okay, I almost died playing a game, have two holes in my roof and i”ve obviously forgotten what Protocol file 32 was, what do we do next.?”
“Milkshakes?” Sweetie asked.
“If you're buying.”
“I’m a robot.”
“Okay I’ll buy,....race ya!”
Both ButtonTron and Sweetie Belle sprinted out the front door.
15 hours later.
Button staggered into his home, holding his head.
“UUuuuugggghhhh, thats the last time i go on 64 milkshake races with you, how was I to know that robots don’t get brain freezes.”
Button walked to where his fridge should have been to get a refreshing apple juice, he squinted as the morning sun shined through his kitchen window. He was taken back when he found that his fridge wasn't in its normal nook, then he remembered the events of the day before.Button looked to the ground and became wide eyed when he saw that both his fridge and the splattered cow were gone, and just a scorched piece of tile was in their place.
“What the?....wait, *Sniff *Sniff, What's that smell?”
Button turned his head to see a frying pan on his stove with several rashers of bacon sizzling with fat.
“Oh Sweet Celestia no.”
