Ice Ice Pony: The Adventures of Vanilla Ice in Equestria

by Handcannon Bro

Rating: mature
Tags: Octavia, Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Sex, DJ P0N-3, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance
Length: 12500

Vanilla Ice swags it up wit da ponies.

Vanilla Ice has it all. He is a successful black man and makes his own music. What seems to be a regular day for him is the start of a time in a new world! Can he handle it, or will evil forces mess with his flow? A Collab fic between DarrParrot (http://www.fimfiction.net/user/DarrParrot) and I!

Published 2012-04-24 18:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-25 04:38:16 UTC

Through the Dagobah Bump of Another World

Through the Dagobah Bump of Another World

Once upon a time, there was a totally black rapper named Vanilla Ice. He was a dope mofo. He made pimpin’ ass beats and got all of the bitches, no matter what they skin color. Eminem wanted to be like Vanilla Ice, but he could not, for he sucked.

One day, Vanilla, who shall now be refered to as Icey, he was running later to a concert, and had to hop in his Vanilla-mobile. It was pretty fuckin’ pimp man. It had plastic rims and shit. They were bedazzled. The car was also very bouncy because he had his ese trick it out..

His ese was none other than, BOSS NIGGER. THIS “BOSS NIGGER” WAS BLACK, HE WAS BRUTAL, AND HE WAS THE ONLY NIGGA THAT ROLLED INTO A WHITE MAN”S TOWN. IN THIS WHITE MAN’S TOWN, HE AND Icey BROUGHT BLACK LAW TO THIS WHITE MAN’S TOWN. THEY WERE BOTH PART DEVIL, ALL BLACK, AND ALL MAYUN.

When they arrived at the concert, they saw Milli Vanilli mangling Icey’s steamy white flow!

“OMG WTF Milli? You be trippin’ son! Y’all better check yo self before y’all wreck yo’self!” Icey shouted at him.

Milli replied, full of venom and disdain, “Man! This ain’t yo song! This is 100% legit! All us, baby!” Icey was full of raeg at this response, but BOSS NIGGER was there to chill his titties.

BOSS NIGGER spoke calmingly, “Man, Icey, chill yo ass out. These BITCH NIGGAS, ain’t got shit to they name. They is some hoes. Fuck dey asses homeboy, lets get da fuck out of here. Lets work on some pimpin beats and fuck white bitches. This shit ain’t worth it.”

“FUCK NO! We are gonna do dis shit now! I’m callin’ an EPIC RAPPIN’ AND DANCIN’ BATTLE up in da hizouse!” Icey replied to BOSS NIGGER, who was the master of such ceremonies.

Milli Vanilli sneered at Icey and BOSS NIGGER and Icey glared back, daring Milli to even try any o’ dat fag shit. BOSS NIGGER rose like the baddest, motherfuckin’ sheriff of the whitest town to ever crave delicious mayonnaise. Milli Vanilli wanted to step out after that, but their pride as original rappers was at stake. Rising up, they went first, and sang,

“UHHH, BITCH I LOOK LIEK GOKU, BITCH I LOOK LIEK VEGETA...” the song went on, making people burst into flames at the horror that was unleashed by their mangled flow. They summon the shady forces of Rap to the stage, polluting the world with bullshit. A chasm opened up, bringing forth true evil with their DOUBLE BLASTERS. That shit was painful nigga.

“Use the white flow Icey, it’s the only way to stop dis fake shit.” BOSS NIGGER proclaimed. Icey began his own dance, and sang the song of his people to block out this evil.

“FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, WAS A JOLLY, HAPPY SOUL. NIGGA WAS BUSTIN’ BITCHES, AND GAVE OFF A CHILLIN’ FLOW.” Icey used his TUSKEN RAIDER to fend off the shady spirits of Rap.

“HE BE SPITTIN’ RHYMES, MAKIN’ DEM BOOTIES CLAP, AND NEVER BE PAYIN’ OFF THOSE FINES FOR HIS CRIMES” Icey was forced to use a KAMINO WAVE to close up the chasm, and keep out the evil beats.

Suddenly, enormous, black, gorilla hands tore open the chasm, and out from this gaping black hole came Gucci Mane. His chapped-ass lips and his dumbass ice cream tattoo terrified the clubbers and the concertgoers. At least fifteen people pissed and shit their pants due to pure terror. The pure pressure of his unholy flow brought our heroes to their knees. Gucci bellowed and shook the walls of the concert,

“BURR BURR”. BOSS NIGGER stood up, and used his unbreakable flow to hold Gucci back.

“Quick, I’ve got dis nigga, use the final technique to forever banish dis bitch nigga to the land of shitty flows!” BOSS NIGGER ordered.

“But I can’t, if I do, you’ll be banished too!” Icey told BOSS NIGGER, fearing for his life.

“It’s okay mah nigga, I’ll be strong enough to handle dat weak ass shit. I’mma be back for the sequel, it cool son.” BOSS NIGGER was ready to take it in the face. He wasn’t gonna pull out. He’s got his MAYUN PANTS on. Icey knew this was the only way. He prepared his ultimate technique, which was forbidden to a galaxy far far away. Icey unleashed his battlecry.

“DAGOBAH BUMP NIGGA!” Icey faced left brought both his arms down, and clenched his hands into fists. He then leaned into this position, making his sexy pelvis hump the air. The glorious move was repeated multiple times, calling forth The Scions of Tight Flow. They were Biggie, Tupac, Will Smith, and DMX. Xzibit was busy fuckin’ a white bitch, so it was understandable that he was not here.

“Grandmaster Icey, we have been called forth by you to wreck Gucci’s shit. LET US BEGIN THE SHIT BUSTIN’ NIGGA!” And so they whipped out their brass knuckles and proceded to start the nigga bustin’. Icey sent out flow blast while maintaining the DAGOBAH BUMP, and it was causing him to glow black and yellow, with some green and purple in there. You gotta get the daily dose after-all. Gucci couldn’t handle his flow bein’ hit like this, and was forcibly moved into the Land of Shitty Flow, taking BOSS NIGGER with him, never to be seen again until the sequel. The day was saved. But where was our Dark Knight? All that was left where he used to be was a smoking crater, filled with that kush. The crowd was shocked, but went for the kush. Gotta get that daily dose after-all.

Icey was floating in an African-American void. Then, he saw the face of the blackest man in the universe, Neil Degrasse Tyson. Icey was forced to bow at this great figure.

“Yo, you be chillin’ wit dat mah son. Dat shit ain’t me. Now rise, and listen to dis shit.” Neil said, before handing Icey an ipod. On it were the hymns of the Multiverse, the flow from which all flows, good and bad erupted from. Icey was empowered from listening to dat dope shit. His flow became tighter, and less mangled. He knew he could lead the charge against The Forces of Deswaggering. Icey was about to send himself home, but was stopped by Neil.

“Chill yo titties niggah. I’mma send you on vacation, while I deal wit some of dat shit. You’re needed in a little place called Equestria.” Neil told Icey, before using his flow to open up a portal and dropkicked him into it. Icey’s head hurt. All he felt was blinding pain. He promptly blacked right the fuck out.

After what felt like a long ass fuckin’ time Icey regained his sight, though it was a bit blurry. He promptly checked out his junk (for that is one of a rapper’s main assests) and he found a plump-ass marshmallow behind right up on his wang area. Icey grinned to himself,

"Swaaaag."

____________

Vinyl was unsure of what had just happened. This strange, clearly black stud of a beast somehow landed on her flank after falling from the sky, She wasn't entirely sure what he was, but he seemed pretty swag. All things considered, she was pretty okay with this. Vinyl turned to him, and said,

"'Sup stud, I'm Vinyl Scratch, and what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"Yoyoyo mah homie, dey be callin' me Vanilla Ice, but you can call me Icey. Mah species, which is clearly different than your's, is human. I am an African-American of mah species" Icey's strange manner of speaking confused Vinyl, but she gave no fucks about that.

"How about I take you into my home, and then we can chat about this in detail at my crib, and I'll call up my roomie too so I can set it up, and let you stay?" Vinyl suggested to the black rapper.

"Sounds pretty swagalicious of you to do dat Sweet thang. if y'all don't mind me askin' about you, what do you do for a living?" Icey asked.

"Oh," she started, "I'm a DJ. I play music for ponies."

"Badical! I'm a musician, who comes up with his own material! I got here because of an event where posers took mah shit and mangled the flow. I'll tell you all about it later, because fidteen minutes have somehow passed, and we are at your tight ass crib." Icey told her. They both knocked on the door, waiting for Vinyl's roomie to bust that door open...

Chapter 2: Wow, it Only Took Two Tries For This to Pass Fimfiction Moderation

Chapter 2: Wow, it only took two tries to get this through fimfiction’s moderation...

When we last left our swaggin’ dark crusader, Vinyl Scratch and him were waiting for her roommate to open up the door. Soon it was opened by a sexy thang of a classy earth pony. Icey’s pants sprung up about a meter in the front, because he got a boner. Icey was unsure of how to proceed. On one hand, he needed a crib to kick back in wit da hunnies and chill wit his niggas, but these mare in front of him were pretty fine.

Vinyl was pretty fuckin' hot. Dat ASS he landed on when he landed was perfect. It had like the perfect level of plumpness. It was like he could motorboat dat booty all day long (which is the only time going "Burr burr" is okay), and still not get tired of it. That wasn't the only thing Icey liked about her. There was dat wonderful white coat, which reminded him of all dem white bitches he slept with.

Her roomie was hot, but in a different way. She seemed to embody high-class society. The pristine mane, the finely brushed coat, everything about her screamed, "I'mma fancy bitch!", and Icey likey. The best part about that would be how perfect she would look suckin' on his gigantic wang. He probably wouldn't have to try too hard. He was pretty sexy. She'd want more too. Once you go black, you never go back was still in effect.

For a situation like this, he would usually turn to BOSS NIGGER for his help, but he’d be gone until the sequel fic. Instead, Icey decided to call upon one of his spiritual guidance. Using his flow to stop and hammer time to mangle its flow, he called from deep within himself one of his Spirit Niggas, The Fresh Prince. The Fresh Prince was pretty swag. He looked kinda like Will Smith from the last chapter, but younger, and more fly.

"Wazzup mah niggah Icey? Whatchu tryin' to get at now?" The Fresh Prince asked Icey.

"It ain't good nigga. I'm at a crossroads of most confusion. It's either I get wit some hunnies now, or focus on chillin' in a crib. Dey be some fine ass bitches too, but I need to stay in their crib..." Icey tried to explain, before The Fresh Prince cut him off.

"Now nigga, don't be trippin'. Y'all can obtain the hunnies later. Y'all can't mess up at the start bro. A cool nigga once said that good shit happens if you wait. Ya think that I would've gotten so many bitches myself if I rushed. Hell nah, Uncle Phil would be all, "Burr burr cockblock!", so you gotta slow yo roll homie."

Icey gave a dope ass grin and thanked his Spirit Nigga for bein' such a homeboy. The Fresh Prince left to take his daily dose, which he was considering upping. Icey's flow then unhammered time, fixin' its flow.

Icey felt pretty elevated, like he always did after talking to one of his Spirit Niggas, which were like Spirit Animals, only they could get you laid more, and had mad swag. He had a game plan now, and was ready to pull off some dope ass shit. He'd cozy on up to them, and get wit dem later. Then he noticed it. He relaxed himself and thought about this new development.

Icey knew that he had to play it cool to stay in their crib, but dis nigga now had another reason to stay besides gettin' dat pony plot later on in the story. It was faint, and he could barely sense it, but he felt the flow in them. It was nothing compared to his steamy white flow, but the potential was there.

“Hey baby, is this where da Ice train can pull into and bring da jamz?” Icey said, showing off his skills in being subtle. The mare at the door facehoofed.

“Vinyl, what did I tell you about dragging home strange, but also very attractive creatures?” Vinyl’s roommate who we all know is Octavia but haven’t mentioned that because she hasn’t been fully introduced yet said.

“Ummm, I’m pretty sure you said it was okay as long as they are potty trained Octavia, and Icey mentioned that he was so...” Vinyl explained, before Icey stole the show like the star he is.

“Is that so Vinyl, mah sweet thang? If that’s true ‘Tavi, then there’s no reason for me NOT to chill in yo crib.” Icey made a convincing argument with his words and black, adonis-like body, so Octavia finally relented.

“Fine, I guess it’s okay for you to be here, but you must help out Icey." Octavia said.

"I could certainly use some help around here all right..." Vinyl said, licking her lips and staring at Icey's massive junk. She was nudged gently by Octavia, who told her to stop it.

"If you do not mind me asking Icey, how exactly did you come to Ponyville? You're certainly not from around here." The earth pony asked, wondering where such an attractive creature could come from.

"Dis gon be a long story y'all, so ya might wanna sit down." He said, before telling the story off-screen, because you seriously just read that last chapter.

"Wow! Icey, your music is amazing! Do you mind coming to the club with me so we can show off your wonderful, and totally original music, that has not had any part stolen by you?" Vinyl asked our Grandmaster of Swag.

"Dat'd be gucci mah Sweet Thang! I don't mind helping you out either 'Tavi, for when you have to play either." Icey said, letting the two know he was available to help them, if y'all know what I mean?

Suddenly, a mare's scream was heard!

"Help, Diamond Dogs are attacking Ponyville!" they cried out! Icey looked at the two of them.

"I don' know 'bout you, but I'mma go save the day. Y'all comin'?" He asked Vinyl and Octavia. They nodded at him and went upstairs. they were back after a minute. Octavia was carrying a cello, which she called her "Conflict Cello", and Vinyl had a speaker with her that she called her "Bass Cannon". The three of them were now ready to kick metric shit-tons of ass! Icey asked them what a Diamond Dog was before they left.

"The Diamond Dogs are creatures of Canine origin. Typically, they wore vests and dog collars, and not much else. They are fairly well known for digging up hoards of gems and keeping it to themselves. Most use either their claws or spears as weapons. It's pretty hard to take them down in a fight, because most of them are pretty strong. They have to be, in order to keep things like dragons away from their hoards. When brute force doesn't work, they'll pull in all of their forces for the assault. If Diamond Dogs are attacking Ponyville, then it should be a relatively small band of them, since the bigger colonies live on the outskirts of Equestria." Octavia said all in one breath. Icey thought this would make her pretty good at deep-throating his penor. Together, the three of them walked out, deciding to simply go and stomp out dem Diamond Dogs, and kick them out of their terf. Icey knew that this would be a good way to introduce himself to the rest of the town. He pulls this off, and he gets all da mares. Icey smiled, whispering,

"I'm gonna stomp 'em in da nutz."

11:06 PM - handcannongunner: Chapter 3 will feature Vanilla Ice using the Bass Cannon in some way 11:08 PM - Rarity: . . . . Just why?

Chapter 3: 11:06 PM - handcannongunner: Chapter 3 will feature Vanilla Ice using the Bass Cannon in some way
11:08 PM - Rarity: . . . . Just why?

When we last left the Black Thunder and his angels, they were about to fight the Diamond Dogs, who were attacking Ponyville and wrecking their turf. A black man like Icey would not stand for such disrespect. That, and if he did this, then all the mares would be over him, wantin' his dick. Icey only wondered one thing however, how would he fight them? Some of his more swaggin' moves might hurt da bitches wit him It was time to call upon another of his Spirit Niggas. This time, he called upon The Great MC Hammer, who developed using the flow to stop and hammer time.

"Sup homeboy?" The Great MC Hammer asked our incredibly black hero.

"Not much nigga, I'mma just wonderin' how I can fight wit da quickness if I gots mah own crew of hunnies wit me?" Icey replied, and stated why he summoned his Spirit Nigga.

"Nigga, why you always gots ta have a problem 'fore y'all summon me? Never for gettin' mah daily dose. Fine, I'll help y'all, but be cool next time nigga." The Great MC Hammer said to him.

"Okay nigga, dere be these bitches who callin' themselves Diamond Dogs. I'd go all out and into mah Supafly Swagger, but we be in a town, and I'mma tryin' to get wid some hunnies, so destroying the town would be most ungucci." Icey explained.

"Hmm dem bitches be lookin' fine. Y'all need to most exclusively use da flow to stomp those other bitches out. Y'all could summon up one of da Chill Niggas." The Great MC Hammer suggested

The Chill Niggas were a strange phenomenon. They had been around since the Rupturing of the Illest Flow. None truly know when the Rupturing of the Illest Flow happened, only that it gave all beings, swag and busta, the power of their flow. Niggas from across the street say that the Chill Niggas were the most bouncin' of the Illest flow personified. Niggas from the other side of da street think that they were the first Flow Guardians, and appear to help maintain dat chill flow. There's one thing all these niggas can agree on however. Only those wit da tightest flow can even THINK about summoning them. This shit is because these niggas need their song to bring them about, and most could not even fathom learning those dope ass hymms.

Icey gave The Great MC Hammer a grin and said,

"Dis why you mah nigga. Who knew havin' homeboys was magic?" Somewhere in Ponyville, a purple unicorn sneezed.

The Great MC Hammer and Icey did their fuckin' dope handshake, and parted ways. Icey was now ready to be kickin' some ass. These Diamond Dog would not be able to handle the whooping of asses that Vinyl, Octavia, and him will dish out.

_____________________

Our Dark Angel and his lovely assistants arrived to see 40 Diamond Dogs wrecking town hall. Niggas be everywhere. They be breakin' shit and playin' shitty music. They gots no flow. Their music sounded like complete ass, and they were too busy pillaging the town to try and pick up some hunnies. Who did they think they were, to not be tryin' to get da bitches? Icey would not let this disrespect towards females. They deserved manly attention from a black man like him! Icey was gonna step up, and show these poser how to do it. Then, Icey would mack on ALL the mares!

"Hey Diamond Bitches, how about you chill y'all titties, and step up?" Icey said, valiantly challenging them all. The Diamond Dogs were in shock at such a bold move by a dark creature.

"Wait, it's HIM!" One Diamond Dog said, causing all of them to look at Icey with recognition in their eyes.

"He's the one they told us about."

"Our leader was warned by The Masters about him for when we begin our true conquest!"

"The Dark Warrior of Steamy White Flow is here?!"

"How did he get here?"

"ENOUGH!!!!" A massive Diamond Dog bellowed. Sound ceased in the town.

The Diamond Dog was, as mentioned, was huge. He towered over the other Dogs. He wore a doo rag and had a tattoo of a gem on his face, which seemed to be glowing. He wore tight jeans, and had a mullet. Instead of a vest, he wore something that gave a hint on who the masters of the Diamond Dogs were. It was a Justin Beiber t-shirt. In his hand was a mic attached to a mini-stand, and was held like a scepter. Icey knew that he was looking at the leader of these Diamond Dogs, and he clearly came into contact with the Bringers of Shitty Flow.

If everything had an anti-thesis, then that's what the Bringers of Shitty flow were to niggas like Icey. Their music was complete shit. What was good was instead either stolen or auto-tuned horribly. Icey did not know why niggas be trippin' like that, but he knew that he would never stoop as low as stealing things for his career. Icey was legit, and would always stay that way. It was why he dedicated his life to fighting against such niggas, and he would never stop. If they were here, then it was up to him, as the only Swaggin' Knight, to mount up a force and defeat them.

"So what if the Dark Warrior of Steamy White Flow has shown up on our territory? Our Evil Masters shall reward us for the killing of their greatest enemy! Let the warriors our masters have blessed stop him!" The King shouted, before he started to beatbox shittily.

"What is this awful sound Icey?" Vinyl asked him, feeling physical pain form the sounds.

"Where I come from we call it mangled flow. Niggas like Queen Bitch over there are incapable of playin' da good shit. It escapes them. They gots no real flow, and dey be corrupted by it." He answered.

"What is he doing with his 'mangled flow' now?" Octavia asked him, fighting off the urge to find a way to get rid of her ears.

"He's summoning his homeboys. Get ready for a fight!" Icey proclaimed. They nodded at him. Vinyl brought the Bass Cannon closer to herself, while Octavia's hold on the Conflict Cello increased.

His summoning was complete. A white portal opened up in front of him. 5 Diamond Dogs, so large that they made The King look like even weaker shit, stepped out. All they wore were spiked collars and bedazzled vests that had glitter on them, spelling out "Diamond Dawgz". Icey thought that they looked pretty fruity. He'd never let one of his homeboys step outside if they dressed up like noswag pussies like that.

"And now, go forth my Diamond Dawgz! Defeat our enemy, and crush all opposition!" The King ordered. His Dawgz complied, rushing forward at our hero.

Icey wavedash-back-forward cancelled out of the way, and said, "Scatter if y'all don' want deze bitches to wreck yo shit!"

Vinyl jump out of the way, and fired her Bass Cannon. It carved a trail of wrecked shit across the ground. Many Diamond Dgos were hurt in the making of this chapter through this. Octavia charged into the fray, showing off what the Conflict Cello could do. Lining up the bow properly, the Conflict Cello opened up at the bottom, and a rocket came out. A targeting reticule appeared on Octavia's face.

"All targets locked on. Probability of a miss: 0%. Ready for firing." A voice rang out from the Conflict Cello. Octavia quickly moved the bow across it, launching the rocket. In the air, it broke apart into 5, and hit the Diamond Dogs. Dayum, the won't be getting up from that one!

Icey himself was fighting back most of the hoard single-handedly. He be spittin' hot fire wit his rhymes. All the Diamond Dogs be gettin' some sick nasty burns.

"NINJA, NINJA, RAP! NINJA, NINJA, RAP! GO GO GO GO! GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO: GO NINJA, Go NINJA, GO! GO NINJA, GO NINJA,GO: GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO! GO GO GO GO!" Using his steamy white flow, Icey made a 7ft long hanzo steel katana, and swung at the Diamond Dogs. His hanzo steel katana sent out shockwaves from the strike, and knocked even more away. He sped up and slashed through seven more Dogs, and bust more heads along the way. Unfortunately, more Diamond Dogs were being called in. soon, 40 became 120, and the town was overrun. Icey knew that now was a good time to summon a Chill Nigga, but he had an idea he wanted to try out.

"Yo Vinyl! lemme borrow dat Bass Cannon! I'll be able to take all dez Bitches out!" Icey said. Vinyl was unsure if this was a good idea, but it'd probably be awesome!

"Sure, just take good care of it!" Vinyl told him. Icey grinned, and hopped on top of it. Powering it up with da flow, he fired. An even larger beam than normal came out, decimating a large portion of the hoard. But, they were still attacking his turf. Using the flow once again, he managed to make a microphone and attack it. Then, he sang,

"DANCE, BUM RUSH THE SPEAKER THAT BOOMS, I'M KILLIN' YOUR BRAIN LIKE A POISONOUS MUSHROOM. DEADLY, WHEN I PLAY A DOPE MELODY, ANYTHING LESS THAN THE BEST IS A FELONY." Icey's passionate voice was heard by all, and sent flow blasts at the Dogs. their numbers were dwindling, when dat shitty beatboxin' started up again. More Diamond Dawgz were summoned in. All of them lined up in front of their King, and used THE 3-POINTER, corrupting the land in nearly all directions. Grass withered, buildings crumbled, and babies cried. Just when it couldn't get any worse, they then began to dance, and sing like a boy band.

"BYE BYE. DON'T WANNA BE A FOOL FOR YOU. JUST ANOTHER PLAYER IN YOUR GAME FOR TWO. YOU MAY HATE ME BUT, IT AIN'T NO LIE, BABY BYE BYE BYE; BYE BYE!" They sang on, bringing everypony to their knees. Icey was still standing, because his flow is too tight for dat weak shit. He shouted at them.

"Slow your roll flowless pussies. I'mma stop you right now. Time to summon one of da Chill Niggas!"

Chapter 4: [4/24/2012 1:19:42 AM] CardsLafter: I got through the very first paragraph and threw up in my mouth. However, now I have to finish it.

Chapter 4: [4/24/2012 1:19:42 AM] CardsLafter: I got through the very first paragraph and threw up in my mouth. However, now I have to finish it.

Chapter 4: [4/24/2012 1:19:42 AM] CardsLafter: I got through the very first paragraph and threw up in my mouth. However, now I have to finish it.

When we last left our Black Mage, he was busy getting ready to summon a Chill Nigga using Vinyl’s Bass Cannon!

Icey had done this one hundreds of times. It’d be easy to do for a supafly nigga like him anyway! These Bitches all be in his was, and wreckin’ his turf, and now it was time to stop them! With that thought in mind, he began to sing, using the Bass Cannon to amplify his steamy white flow.

“YO! IT'S THE GREEN MACHINE! GONNA ROCK THE TOWN WITHOUT BEING SEEN! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A TURTLE GET DOWN? SLAMMIN’ AND JAMMIN’ TO THE NEW SWING SOUND. YEAH, EVERYBODY LET'S MOVE, VANILLA IS HERE WITH THE NEW JACK GROOVE! GONNA ROCK, AND ROLL THIS PLACE, WITH THE POWER OF THE NINJA TURTLE BASS! ICEMAN, YA KNOW I'M NOT PLAYIN! DEVASTATE THE SHOW WHILE THE TURTLES ARE SAYIN, “GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO!”

And so, with his pimpin’ hymm blastin’ outta the Bass Cannon, Icey used up more power in his projection for summoning a Chill Nigga. It was known that this song randomly summons one Chill Nigga out of four. Who knew what would happen now?

An African-Amurrican portal opened up in front of the shitty boy band, mercifully making them stop their homoerotic moans that they called music. The steamy white flow Icey ejected out of himself was potent enough to summon all four! Turtles the size of humans stepped out. They wore no real clothes, just headbands that doubled as masks. One had blue, and dual-wielded sharp hanzo steel katanas. Another wore a purple headband, and used a staff. The next one had red on, and had two deadly sais in his hand. The last wore orange and held onto two nunchucks. They were a legendary ass kickin’ crew, known only as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“’sup Icey? How did you manage to get us all together like this?” The blue one asked. His name was Leonardo, and he was the leader.

“Mah steamy white flow was multiplied to the 10th swagger by this sexy Bass Cannon mah Sweet Thang Vinyl be usin’.” Icey replied. Vinyl blushed at the praise. The turtles nodded and turned to the Diamond Dawgz.

“Let’s put these doggies to rest!” Said Raphael, the one in red.

“I’ve always wanted to do one of these fights with my brothers.” Said Donatello, pulling out his sturdy, wooden staff.

“Bitches be crazy!” The last one, Michelangelo shouted, brandishing his badass nunchucks. Onward they went, off to beat down the Diamond Dawgz! It’s a good thing Icey was here to sing their theme song!

“TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

HEROES IN A HALF-SHELL

TURTLE POWER!”

Leonardo jumped up, slicing 3 Diamond Dawgz down the middle. The words “QUICKSCOPE TRIPLE 5(l2l_ll3z PWN!” appeared out of nowhere. Leo then did a badass spin-kick, sending 5 Dawgz at Raph.

"THEY'RE THE WORLD'S MOST FEARSOME FIGHTING TEAM

THEY'RE HEROES IN A HALF-SHELL AND THEY'RE GREEN

WHEN THE EVIL SHREDDER ATTACKS

THESE TURTLE BOYS DON'T CUT HIM NO SLACK!"

Raph stabbed them in the face, blinding them, and backhanded them with his fists. The words “SEXY FRAGSHOT!” were seen.

“TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES”

Don leaped forward, blindsiding 10 with his mastery of the long, wooden shaft. He then used one as a springboard, launching him at another. This action was repeated several times, allowing him to take out a large amount of the hoard by himself. He was pretty smart to think of this, but he was scientific, and, as a nigga from across the street told me, “SIR ISAAC NEWTON IS THE DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE MUTHAFUCKA!”…You know, I’m pretty sure this quote is being taken out of context, but it’s still pretty badass. One could see “360 NO-SCOPE” in the distance.

“SPLINTER TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS”

Leo got out some baby powder, and kept his pimphand strong, smacking dem Dawg bitches up. He then shouted, “HE’S A RADICAL RAT!” in reference to his surrogate father.

“LEONARDO LEADS, DONATELLO DOES MACHINES”

Don cracked his staff over a Dawg’s head. It howled in pain. Don then looked up to the sky , and said “THAT’S A FACT, JACK!”

“RAPHAEL IS COOL, BUT CRUDE”

Raph climbed on a Diamond Dawg’s back using his sais. He looked at Icey, saying, “GIMME A BREAK!”

“AND MICHAELANGELO IS A PARTY DUDE”

Mikey was left surrounded by most of the remaining forces. He span his nunchucks around, stopping the Dawgz from jumping on him like he was a bitch in heat. With expert accuracy, Mikey pushed them all back. An ass-whoopin’ occurred. Ponies saw the words “420 DAMAGE! SMOKE WEED ‘ERRYDAY!” light up the sky, and reminding all the swag niggas to not skip out on their daily dose. Mikey screamed out “PARTY!!!”

“TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL

TURTLE POWER!”

The King was the only one left. Icey approached him, lookin’ mad pissed. He was filled wit raeg at dis bitch nigga throwing off his groove. Why did every user of mangled flow have to ruin shit? The King was cowering when he saw Icey’s burning anger. He begged for his life.

“P-p-p-please, spare me mah nigga…” The King started to say, but was cut off by his wind pipe being obstructed by Icey’s foot.

“Y’ALL CAN’T USE THAT WORD CRACKER! NIGGA IS A BLACK MAN’S WORD! ONLY PEOPLE LIKE ME CAN USE NIGGA! YA GOT THAT HONKY!” Icey said, channeling all the raeg of his fellow ancestors of dark colored descent.

“Have mercy on a poor white dog like me oh Dark Warrior of Steamy White Flow. I was just trying to be like you!” The King once again tried to plead with him. Icey was not amused by these pathetic attempts to appease his black anger. Instead of responding, he just used the flow to lift up The King, and choke him to death. Icey’s breathing became labored, and said,

“Return to the flow. Maybe next time, you’ll get to be a nigga.” The King was murdered by Icey using flow choke on his bitch ass. Icey gave his Chill Niggas, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a brofist before sending them off on their way. Icey got surrounded by ponies, and they all cheered his name, especially the mares. All Icey could think was,

“This place be pretty swag. Maybe mah niggah Neil was right…”

Yeah, this thing still isn't dead.

VANILLA ICE IN EQUESTRIA
PART: FUCKIN FINALLY

or

BOSS NIGGER Interlude

BOSS NIGGER was alone in the Land of Shitty Flow, banished to never be with Icey until the sequel. All around him was the white man’s music. The song “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed was stuck in his head. Dat shit was messin’ wit his flow. He would need to leave as soon as possible before his flow was permanently fucked up and he started cravin’ mayunnaise. He ain’t havin dat bullshit, my nigga. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion. Liek Xbox huge. Deez thirty cracker-jacks busted outta nowhere, and grabbed BOSS NIGGER.

“Whatchu doin’ homeboy? Y’all ain’t leavin’ the Land of Shitty Flow mah nigga! We’ll be taki-” A cracker-jack started, but was roundhouse-drop kicked by BOSS NIGGER. Y’see my niggas, a roundhouse drop kick is like, motherfuckin, uh, you do a jump and shit, and then you swing your buff ass legs around and smack someone in the motherfuckin face with yo feet and shit. Shit is bangin’.

“Shut Y’all cracker-bitch ass up! A white boy like you thinks he can get away wit usin’ OUR word?! If any of you other motherfuckas say dat shit again, I will sock you in the mothafuckin’ jaw right fuckin’ now, you hear me honkies?!” The cracker-jacks suddenly took on the countenances of a bitch nigga who couldn’t pay his got-damn bills and was about to be shot, but they hardened the fuck up. No homo. And so, the 29 CJs got into a shitty pop band formation. Soon, the song “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction began to be played by the CJs. A CJ that looked a lot like Tobey Maguire started to sing.

“YOU’RE INSECURE, DON’T KNOW WHAT FOR. YOU’RE TURNING HEADS, WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.” Seriously, this song is horrible.

“DON’T NEED MAKE-UP. TO COVER UP. BEING THE WAY THAT YOU ARE IS ENOUGH.” My head hurts listening to it.

“EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM CAN SEE IT, EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU-OU-OU!” Bitches be singin’ bullshit. BOSS NIGGER would not let such an injustice against the muthafuckin’ world stand while he was in this white man’s lawless town. Nigga was ready to fight these bitch niggas with his swole fuckin body. BOSS NIGGER WAS A BEAST IN THE GYM, AND HE WAS BIGGER THAN 50 CENT AND LL COOL J. He was too fuckin buff to let these niggas try and jack his shit.

“EVERY MORNING I OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT!” BOSS NIGGER exclaimed, giving out his workout routine while stompin’ some bitch niggas in da nutz. A few of them scrambled to get away from their deserving punishment, but BOSS NIGGER laid them out with a quick backhand.

“IT’S CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONG WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK!” BOSS NIGGER followed up with a JAR-JAR ROCK to their face. Their told status was a Child Support payment out of a Bitch Nigga on the told meter. Deeze crackers be crying the salty, bitter tears of a white teenager who is banned from playing Wii.

“I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD, MAKIN’ WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECROS.” The CJs were begging for the glorious mercy of BOSS NIGGER, yet they knew in their hearts, they were unworthy. Dis swole nigga be knockin’ unjust honky ass around for a living. He would not stop.

“NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. “ BOSS NIGGER decided to end this once and for all with his NIGGAHAMEHA. He balled up his massive flow into his hands and cupped it. Gathering all of his kentucky-fried energy for this final flash, he thought of his true companion, Icey. He wished him the most ballin’ time a nigga could have. Then, BOSS NIGGER fired his NIGGAHAMEHA, which was a blast of pure Purple Drink. The CJs were destroyed by this. They got their pajamas on, an’ went to bed.

BOSS NIGGER went up to the nearest bush and smoked dat shit. He turned to you, and said,

“Gotta get dat daily dose after all...”

~~~

It was 28 days later. BOSS NIGGER had been wandering for a long as fuck time, searching for an exit to this bullshit land. He passed by many a store for the music of Ke$ha, making him feel the pain of his ancestors when he saw such a travesty. Many fights broke out over his tight-ass flow. Bitches could sense it in a place with such a mangled flow.

This gay-ass area was strangely silent unlike the back of a police car in Compton. Niggas get wild in Compton. Anyway, he could not see any bitch ass niggas around. It was completely fuckin’ empty. He kept on walking through this shitty ass town when the land around him began to grow dim. He could no longer hear shitty music. He could only sense a void.

Suddenly, he could no longer see in front of him. There was complete whiteness all around him. He walked forward and suddenly fell off into white void. The sounds of shitty flow began to grow in intensity until it permeated his very mind. And then he could see. What he saw was some scary ass shit, my niggas. Like for real. Gotdamn it was scary as fuck.

There was an enormous oval-shaped hole in the fabric of space-time. It was absolutely fucking huge. A bunch of white people, and niggas alike with shitty flow were crawling out of the hole like roaches in a mexican’s crib. It was impossible to determine how many there were. Thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands were crawling out. Maybe even shit-tons. Fuck, that’s as high as I can count.

The scent of BULLSHIT was stankin’ the fuck out of this place. Shitty flow was bursting out of the rift like Chris Brown’s fists hitting a woman. Even BOSS NIGGER could barely even handle this affront to everything he has learned about the Flow. His learnings and his experiences were being torn apart before his very eyes. He could do nothing on his own. Or, if he tried, he would die like a bitch. And fuck that.

He would need assistance from the chocolatey force of Icey.

BOSS NIGGER got the FUCK out of there.

If this fic is dead, does that make me a necromancer?

An actual chapter and not an interlude this time! Alternative Title; Chapter 5: “Vanilla Ice” “Equestria” “Mature” “…Wha?!” ~ElektroNeko, a person who read the description and posted a comment.

When we last left off over a month ago from this point in time, our level 60 African Shaman had all the mares cheering his name after single-handedly fighting off the Diamond Dogs with Vinyl and Octavia. Icey felt like he was the most ballin’ playa in the universe. Soon, he was stuck in the middle of a crowd of female ponies that wanted his dick. Looking to his left, Icey saw that Vinyl and Octavia were there to retrieve him, and judging from that sensual gaze they were giving dis nigga, he was in for a great night!

Vinyl and Octavia shared a glance and nodded in acknowledgement. Both mares wanted this pimp-ass nigga, and they wanted him now! However, they both knew that if they had sex with that ABAP man of dark-skinned descent known as Icey, then he would be shared among all the mares in town. So they decided to drag him off to their shared home. Icey was cool wit dat, as he be gettin’ some tonight!

As the three sauntered back home, Vinyl and Octavia had to ask Icey about a question that has plagued their minds since meeting him.

“So, what exactly ARE you? Also, I call dibs.” Vinyl asked, while Octavia got pissed.

“To put it simply Vinyl baby, I’m a human. I walk on my legs and use my hands to grab things. I wear some pimp-ass clothes to cover my sexy body because my wang would drag across the ground otherwise. I use The Flow to beat little bitches that be gettin’ in my way. Basically, I’m fucking awesome.” Vanilla Ice answered with, explaining what he is in less than a minute.

“I’d add in my two bits to this conversation, but we are now at the door.” Octavia said, walking in with Icey and Vinyl Scratch.

Let’s get it on!

Using her magic, Vinyl Scratch unzipped Icey’s trousers, and started to grind her ass into his MASSIVE HOARSE CAWK. She gave a small grin, feeling his dick harden in between her haunches. Icey is a man of action however, and felt like he needed to contribute in this sexy endeavor so it can keep going. So, Icey pushed gaywards and JAMMED IT IN DAT ASS! Vinyl moaned like she was in heat, loving dat shit to unseen levels.

We don’t give a what what!

We don’t give a what what!

Octavia looked on as her roommate (who she always found pretty sexy), get fucked up the ass by Icey (who is a strange African Amurrican creature from another world). While watching this, she thought about how weird it was that she wanted to mate with Icey even though she hasn’t even known him for a day. Not to mention, he’s a completely different species from her. Octavia thinks about this more, wondering if they’re even genetically compatible. Maybe this ISN’T such a great idea…

…

…

…Nah! It doesn’t matter if this relationship works out in the end, as long as she can enjoy his URSA MAJOR SIZED PENOR, Octavia don’t give no fucks! Besides, that kind of thinking is too deep for this fic anyway!

Get it on the floor

Get it get it on the floor! (WHAT?!)

Icey’s just pumping in and out of Vinyl’s ass like his dick’s a jackhammer. Vinyl, of course, is taking it like a champ, going with the flow, and enjoying the feel of Icey’s BALLS OF STEEL slap against her marehood with each thrust. Wonderful feelings of passion well up within her. She feels her orgasm coming, and as her volcano spews out enough lava to destroy an ancient city, her horn starts to glow. Soon, her, Icey, and Octavia begin to float up into the air, because every good clop needs to have HAWT ZERO-GRAVITY PONY SECKZTM!

Get it on the floor

Get it get it on the floor! (WHAT?!)

Icey, going with the flow, gave no fucks about the whole floating thing, and flew at Vinyl Scratch while doing a Superman pose. He then took his hotdog with foreskin and slam jammed it into Vinyl Scratch’s hotdog bun with a clitoris. Piercing her heavens with his drill, Icey knew how to deliver the hawt sex even while in zero gravity, and it showed. Octavia watched this act of lovemaking with a look of awe.

You don’t wanna party then your ass gotta go! (WHAT?!)

You don’t wanna party then your ass gotta go! (C’MON!)

After Icey finished blastin’ in Vinyl’s vajayjay Octavia ripped her off so she could shag her mayun. She started to slide her marehood (which was vajazzled) down on his shaft, and started to-

ERROR

502 BAD GATEWAY

….

…

..

.

One hour of refreshing later…

“Praise the princesses! That was amazing!” Octavia exclaimed after their three days of lovemaking was finished.

“I know, right?” Vinyl started, “And then there was that stuff you did to the thing, and then I just HAD to join in and do the other thing because of those actions Icey was doing!”

“Dayum, you mares be crazy!” Icey said with a content look on his face.

Yes, the three were living in harmony.

But that all changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Fire Nation soldiers burst through the door, attacking with their firebending. Octavia and Vinyl ducked out of the way, but Icey kept his cool and stood his ground. The fire moved closer and closer, until Icey felt the fireballs near his face. That was when he struck. Icey did a matrix dodge under a fireball, and leaped like a bullfrog. Icey closed his eyes, focusing on the cosmic energy of the multiverse, feeling its hymms and rhythms, the power that remained intact after the multiverse’s creation. When his eyes opened, they were glowing, and a strange blue arrow tattoo showed up on his body. Icey just activated his Avatar State.

The Fire Nation soldiers promptly shat their pants, as they were in the presence of the Avatar State. An Avatar in the Avatar State was a Swole nigga who shouldn’t be fucked with. But, they couldn’t go against the Fire Lord’s orders, and decided to do it anyway. The firebenders got into position. Two of them did a low kick, making fire race across the ground, while two more soldiers jumped on their backs, doing 360 no-scope fireballs in a shotgun-like spread. Icey looked pimpin’ and used his Dance of the Swagon Kata: Look Pimpin'. One foot was placed in front of the other, and pushed forward, absorbing the racing fire, and adding it to this deadly dance. Next, he hopped on one foot, focusing the fire there, and stomped it down to the floor, spreading a wave of fire that hit the firebenders, while making him now balance on that foot. The firebenders, thinking that he’s exposed his weak point, attempted to strike for massive damage, not knowing that it was a trap until it was too late.

“Oh shit! IT’S A TRAP!” one managed to scream. Icey span like a top, sucking the firebenders in using his airbending. Taken by surprise there was nothing they could do to avoid this fate. Icey did a triple back flip, and released extreme wind blades with fire on them, instantly killing the firebenders. Icey left the Avatar State, but his tattoo remained. He looked out into the distance and saw the Fire Nation drilling into Ponyville. He knew it would only be a matter of time before the ponies would be overrun with Fire Nation soldiers.

“Stay here,” Icey told Vinyl and Octavia. “I’m gonna shoot some niggas.” Icey had to take care of this problem himself. He remembered when Neil told him that he’d take care of his home. He wasn’t sent here on vacation, he was sent here because of the Fire Nation attacking, and because of those users of the mangled flow. It was his job as the Avatar, master of the four elements, to bring back balance to this bullshit. This world was in deep shit right now, and he’d need not only himself, but an army of Swag Knights like him to save it. Whether by recruiting, or through summoning, it was time to build up a crew.

Icey walked out of the house, before he saw a molten rock about to strike it. Just as he was about to stop it, he heard a voice.

“Sup bitches.” On the roof of the house a hooded mexican stood. A black trident was in his hands. On it an X, a circle, a triangle, and a square were inscribed. Twirling it in his hands, he jumped like the illegal Mexican nigga he was.

“Sup bitches, this is Chad Warden.” The trident struck, splitting the molten rock in half. The two halves missed the house, and the scenery made Chad Warden look like the ABAP nigga he was.

Book 1: Swag ends.

I pushed this one out so I can play Borderlands 2 without feeling bad.

Book II: Money

Chapter I: “I guarantee that if you do cocaine you’ll be a better drummer.” –My Algebra Teacher

Previously on Ice Ice Pony: The Adventures of Vanilla Ice in Equestria…

“Dagobah Bump niggas!”

“Chill yo titties niggah. I’mma send you on vacation, while I deal wit some of dat shit. You’re needed in a little place called Equestria.”

"Wow! Icey, your music is amazing! Do you mind coming to the club with me so we can show off your wonderful and totally original music that has not had any part stolen by you?"

"Help, Diamond Dogs are attacking Ponyville!"

"Dis why you mah nigga. Who knew havin' homeboys was magic?"

"Yo Vinyl! lemme borrow dat Bass Cannon! I'll be able to take all dez Bitches out!"

“420 DAMAGE! SMOKE WEED ‘ERRYDAY!”

“NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN.”

“502 BAD GATEWAY”

“Don’t tase me bro!”

“Haha! I threw that shit before I walked in the room!”

“Sup bitches, this is Chad Warden.”

And now…

BOOK II: CHAPTER ONE: THE SWAGLESS MENACE

Icey had a “wtf?” look on his face, shocked at seeing a familiar face here. It was Chad Daddy, a warrior of great swagger, who fought in the war against the ones of mangled flow years ago. The only question, why the fuck was he here now? C-Wizzy disappeared a while back and none of his niggas knew where he went.

“Why the fuck, are you here?” Icey asked.

“Shit nigga, I’m been here since the end of the war. I got in one little war, and my mom got scared and said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Equestria.” Dat was sum grade A bool-shit, but I got ta meet my auntie and uncle, The Cakes.” Big Papi said, justifying his being in the story.

“Look, the town is being attacked by the Fire Nation right now, so we gotta start running on top of roofs while talking like we ninja in Naruto or this chapter won’t drive the story forward, okay?” Icey said to Chad Warden. He nodded in understanding. They started jumping from roof to roof, chatting along the way. They both agreed that it felt good to rekindle with a fellow nigga. Icey learned that C-Wizzy gained his weapon from an ancient and powerful god known as Sony. The trident-like dealdo is a legendary relic of the modern age called the PSTriple. It gifted Chad Warden with the strength of 15 Illegal Mexican Niggas, and showed him the truth, which was that Xbox had no games. Icey knew that one day Big Papi would unlock his true powers as a Sony fanboy, and it looked like that would happen soon. Chad Warden had to ask something that was on his mind however,

“Yo Icey, when’d you get those blue tattoos?”

“Shit nigga, I’ve always had them, I just finally showed them off at the end of Book I!” Icey replied with a lame 4th wall break. Chad Warden was going to continue their conversation, but they made it to the Fire Nation drill. It was starting to pierce the wall of Ponyville, but it was jammed in the wall. Soldiers stood on top of it holding ‘F’ to un-jam the drill but it kept on shaking, making the progress bar go back to 0%. Icey and Chad Warden both stopped to lol at those pathetic n00bz. Before they could plan out their strike, a manly as fuck voice shouted out,

“FUS RO DAH!!!!” The Fire Nation Soldiers were thrown back like they were little nigglets about to get a beat-down. In the center of the chaos was a tiny lizard. It was purple with green fins for ears, and it wore a horned iron helmet. Its hands looked like they were focusing magicka to cast some form of spell. Icey could tell from the look of it that it was a conjuration spell, and that the lizard was using it because conjuration is OP as fuck. He also knew that this was the Dovahkiin, the Dragonborn.

The spell was done being focused, and it made a portal that summoned a swole nigga. He was as black as the darkest night with red tattoos, and wore strange black and red armor. In his hands was a fucking huge sword. This was known as a Dremora Lord. However, this one was special. This one was wearing shutter shades and had a joint in its mouth (Gotta get that daily dose after all!). This was a Dremora Nigga.

“Nigga what chu want?” The Dremora Nigga said.

“Nigga shut yo mouth and stab a bitch.” The Dovahkiin replied. Wanting to get this shit over with, the Dremora Nigga complied. The gay nigga Fire Nation Soldiers were cowering in fear. One finally worked up the courage to attack, but Dremora Nigga was on his ass like Rick James’ boots on Charlie Murphy’s couch.

“Nygga, you better have insurance! Ass-whoopin’ insurance! And you about to pay a deductible!” The Dremora Nigga screamed at its prey. Firebending would not hit its mark, fists would not damage him, and a bitchslap from those gloves could break a nigga’s jaw, which the Fire Nation could attest to.

“What the fuck! You just broke my jaw!” One tried screaming, but it sounded more like “Wr d frk! Oo jes brok meh haw!”

“Nigga needs to fix dat Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome!” The Dovahkiin laughed.

Now, we here who work on “Ice Ice Pony” would like to say that we do NOT find Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome funny. It is a very serious disease that has affected many people. Hooker’s lives are at risk everyday from this terrible disease. We would like to ask you, the maybe 10+ (if we’re lucky) readers to donate both your time and money to fight off this Ho threatening disease. Please call the number 603-867-5309 to join in the battle against Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome. For the record however, we will admit that saying Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome out loud is kinda fun.

“Not funny man. My aunt DIED from that!” A Firebender who has a jaw that wasn’t broken said.

“Well no shit nigga! She probably sucked dick like a vacuum!” Dovahkiin yelled, laughing in his face.

“He’s not lying man. She was good at suckin’ dat dick.” The Fire Nation Soldier next to him said. He was promptly thrown face first into the Dremora Nigga. They swiftly sliced the soldier’s head off and kicked it, sending it flying at 400 miles per hour into the face of another soldier. The would-be soccer ball took their head off, as everyone knows that soccer balls decapitate heads at 400 miles per hour.

Pissed off that he hasn’t been mentioned for some time, Icey attacked, using his airbending to turn his hands into slicing death weapons of death to start off his sneak attack. Stab! There goes your spleen. Slash! Bye-bye kidneys. Cacao! Say goodbye to your eyes. Hnnnnnnnnnggggggggg! There goes your heart!

C-Wizzy yoined in the fight, by pulling out his trident that happened to be a dildo, or was it a dildo that happened to be a trident? Who knows? Anyway, he pulled on it so hard, he ripped the skin and split it in two. One half had the three prongs. The other half had a glowing sphere on it.

“Playstation Move Bitches!” Chad Daddy exclaimed. With enough force to smack the bitch off of 10 Xbox fanboys, he swung at a soldier with the trident, stabbing them in the jugular. He then did this really cool slow-mo kick to lodge the trident in further while updating his Facebook Status to “Fire Nation Soldiers can’t do shit other than suck deek.”

But Big Papi didn’t stop there! Oh no, he took the glowing sphere half and pointed it at the trident half. A button was pressed, and the trident half started floating, lifting up the soldier attached! Chad Warden moved it around, skewering many more soldiers into some kinda gory shish kebab. All while doing this he screamed,

“Heh! Heh! Heh!”

Icey, not wanting to be upstaged, pulled off one of his ultimate moves. Throwing kunai at the kage bunshin he summoned off-screen to dispel them, Icey felt the natural energy they stored up enter him. Quickly, he closed his eyes to focus, and then opened them. His irises were bright orange, and his pupils were rounded out with slits going through them. Icey just entered sennin modo!

Icey sent out a nigga-breaking haymaker at the drill, which was still jammed. The squeals of the bitches inside could be heard for miles. Summoning two more kage bunshin to stand at his side, they started working on the finishing blow. All three Iceys work together to condense his chakra into a ball. One Icey adds wind chakra to it, creating four blades on it. Another Icey pours more chakra into to it, keeping it stable. The real Icey uses his natural energy to balance all the forces in it. Together they make Futon: Rasenshuriken! The clones go “Poof!” and Icey flys up into the air using airbending. Icey puts on his game face and says his one-liner.

“Fire Nation, welcome to die!”

The drill was blown up. The soldiers, mangled beyond recognition. Icey didn’t look at that though, because cool guys don’t look at explosions. The Fire Nation Soldiers would look at the explosion, but they’re dead. The Dovahkiin walked up to Icey and said,

“Dayum nigga, dat shit was tight.”

“Sup homie, what they call you?” Icey asked.

“They call me the Dovahkiin, but you can call me Spike.”

Made up of haikus. It's a holiday special. This fic gets one too.

Ice Ice Pony: Vanilla Ice in Equestria

The Jangle Yo Balls Holiday Special

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING EVENTS SEEN IN THIS HOLIDAY SPECIAL ARE CANON.

Icey will sleep in.
It’s a holiday today,
his favorite one.

A knock on the door.
“Dis nigga needs to fuck off!”
Icey growls out loud.

He wants to relax.
But Chad Warden is mad gay,
and won’t stop knocking.

Chad has forgotten,
it’s All Obamacare’s Eve.
Made many moons past.

“Wait a fucking sec.
This shit is all haikus man.
What the fuck is this?”

C-Wizzy proclaimed.
But Big Papi didn’t know
magic’s in the air

Obamacare's Eve
has an effect on this fic
all for one reason.

Tis a holiday,
that means holiday special.
Yes, even in this.

Icey gave up now.
Chad Daddy can be a cunt.
Icey can’t sleep in.

I should mention it,
No, Zecora doesn’t show up.
Because fuck that shit.

Haikus are enough.
Fuck rhyming on top of that.
I’m only human.

“Knock knock niggas.”
Says a voice from up above.
Holy Shit, Saint Nick?

“Nope muthafuckas
I would let you finish, but
Kanye’s the best saint.”

Nope, it’s just Kanye.
Or, should I say, Kanye Claus.
The Santa stand-in.

“I require help!
There’s Flowless niggas about,
ruining today!”

Icey and Chad left.
They had to stop this madness!
“Quick Chad! To the sleigh!”

There it was outside
blinged out with gold spinning rims
and painted purple,

the magic machine!
The Obamacare Mobile!
A third haiku line!

Pulled by mexicans.
All of them illegal ones.
No greencard in sight.

There’s one in the front
It looks like a higher breed
it’s Puerto Rican

Spike hops in also.
“Fuck yeah, I’m in dis special!”
The Dovahkiin says.

Kanye Claus joins them
“Onward Lopez and Lopez,
Lopez and Paula

Lopez and Lopez,
Lopez and Jorge, plus him!
George Lopez in front!”

Another Guest Star.
The Big Headed Illegal!
He’s just like Rudolph.

They fly high, no lie
y’all niggas be knowin’ this.
‘Cuz they be ballin’.

An hour passes.
They find those with mangled flow.
Dem niggas trippin’.

The gang stomps niggas.
Every one beaten brings more.
The ride never ends.

Giant Skeletons!
They just pop up from the ground.
Are you all spooked yet?

Land of Shitty Flow,
a piece of it appears now.
This place of terror.

There’s slow motor-cars.
Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride.
People on screaming.

The gang watches this.
Only the dead shall know peace.
There’s no getting off.

They must destroy it.
“I want to get off this ride!”
A mexican yells.

Others get off it,
only to be put back in.
They beg for mercy.

The gang has to leave.
More niggas must join the fight
if they want to win.

For they can’t give up
Or else this holiday’s doomed.
Gotta get black-up.

“I will hold this off!
Just don’t forget about me.
And bring back some help!”

“But, wait Kanye Claus!”
“No nigga! we cannot wait
You have to go now!”

“Okay mah nigga.
We will come back and then save
Obamacare’s Eve.”

Icey had stated.
They left with the magic sleigh.
Black-up’s eminent.

Ride to Everfree.
No, it is not Zecora,
but another one.

He’s seen in a cave.
Super funny black man Dave.
Dave Chappelle that is.

He had a breakdown.
He had left for Africa,
Everfree cost less.

Dave’s in tribal gear.
He has spears ready to chuck,
and has mad warpaint.

He looks at the group,
staring a thousand yard stare.
He yells, “I’m rich bitch!”

Dave loves holidays.
He loves dat nice free health care.
He offers his spear.

The party has grown.
The cheap labor rides again.
Niggas need Oprah.

She’s in Canterlot
giving an orphan a car.
She loves the children.

She agrees to help,
as long as the part is small.
Since she hates this fic.

Not in her book club.
You shouldn’t read this also.
Seriously man.

The sleigh is better.
Oprah gave it some new rims.
They are bedazzled.

One man is missing.
The holiday’s second star.
His blackness appears.

Barack Obama,
Obamacare Eve’s founder
and jedi master.

He lets out a cheer,
“Save this holiday we are.”
he just whips it out.

Purple lightsaber
because he is a black man
all niggas keep one.

The crew’s assembled.
Time to go and save Kanye,
who wears shutter shades.

They take off to space.
Like in Superman’s movie,
for turning back time.

Kanye missed nothing.
They had jumped backwards through time,
just to when they left.

Kanye is tossed gun.
Gonna need to shoot niggas.
And dem skeletons.

This is missing stuff.
Time to throw in some ponies.
Because ponies man.

A horse joins the fray!
nigga’s really fuckin’ red.
It’s swole as fuck too.

“You gonna kick ass?”
Asks PSTriple fanboy
“Eeyup.” dat horse says.

Icey leads the charge
He’s in the Avatar State.
He rides dat pony.

The ride opens rift.
Its guardian is summoned,
The Gravelord Nito.

Icey is thrown off.
He’s unable to backstab.
He can’t beat the boss.

This battle is lost.
Oh wait, no it’s not. Look there!
Apple themed ponies.

They’re singing a song.
It’s about a racist barn
or something like that.

The red horse leads them.
It’s a redneck family.
Got dat redneck strength.

The Gravelord’s held down.
Icey can backstab dat bitch
with his Hanzo Steel.

Shit goes in mad deep.
The crew all gets a backstab.
Chad uses trident,

Dave’s chucking some spears,
Kanye, punching like Sam B. ,
follows with dickpunch.

Obama is next.
He uses dat force lightning.
Oprah buys a car.

She drives badly
it’s because she’s a woman.
Smashes Nito’s back.

Spike uses some shouts.
Stormcall is super OP.
Fuckin’ thunderstorms.

It’s still not enough.
But Icey has a new plan.
“Our powers combined!”

“PSTriple!” “Shouts!”
“Charity!” “Presidency!”
“Attention whoring!”

“My blackness!” “The Flow!”
They all shout in unison
“Come forth my nigga!”

A new voice comes through.
“And by your blackness combined...”
“I am Eminem!”

Captain Blackness’ here!
Nigga does work on Nito.
Does what he’s good at.

He writes a rap song
because Nito’s his problem.
That is all he does,

rap about problems.
The rap rattles Nito’s bones
Eminem gurgles.

He starts throwing up
Eminem spills spahghetti
it is his mother’s.

Nito drops some too.
It spills out of his pockets,
and on GameStop’s floor.

Everyone just laughs.
The pockets are erupting.
He bursts into treats,

and runs out crying.
The ride’s grinding to a halt.
It finally stops.

Spike Fus Roh Dah’s it.
The Apple Family leaves.
“This shit was so cash.”

Chad says while smoking.
Gotta have dat daily dose
after all nignog.

The crew goes in sleigh.
Time to deliver healthcare
that is also free.

Icey looks at you.
“Happy Obamacare’s Eve.
Haikus suck penis.”

“Happy Arbor Day!”
A DARRPARROT shouts to you
No one gives a fuck

This is the end bro.
I am fucking done right now.
No more haikus here.

“Oh okay.”

Author's Note

No, I'm not dead. Some IRL shit happened and I lost the drive to write. Then even more shit happened. Things finally started slowing down a few days ago and I started writing this for a laugh. The next chapter's release date is a mystery, because I'm lazy.

Still Not Done After a Year? I'm Lazier Than I Thought I Was.

The end of the sequel to book number one, and the start of the sequel to book number two. Also known as the end of book two. Alt-title: it’s been a year and this still isn’t done. Who knew I was that lazy?

When we last left our hero, he gathered an ass kicking team of gucci mothafuckas to save the day with the Apple family in a holiday special.

(Icey’s POV)

Shit was cray cray. Niggas were stompin’ out niggas. There was nothing I could do for them. Why did they choose me as their leader? All I ever brought was destruction in my wake. I took a deep breath, and stepped off the cliff. All that I was able to say was,

“The gods of Niglympus have abandoned me. Now there is no hope.”

(Earlier…)

“Damn son that sure was a wack holiday special!” Obama said.

“Why do we say ‘holiday special’ instead of ‘Christmas episode’ anyway. I mean, who the fuck celebrates dem other jank ass holidays?” asked C-Wizzy. Obama looked down at him with his caring, all-knowing, all-seeing eyes.

“Political correctness my nigga, political correctness.”

And all was good in the land. The league of extraordinary niggas split up, leaving behind Chad Daddy, Spike and I with the Apple family. We spent the next couple of days partying with the desert animals and drinking dat drank. Finally, we went back to Ponyville.

We was just walking along, minding our own business. And then it was like “Oh shit!” so we be running back to town.

Yeah, due to holiday special magic, we were there to save the day. Luckily dat same holiday special magic stopped The

Fire Nation from continuing their attack. When we arrived we was too late. That town was on fire, with The Fire Nation looking proud. It’s a good thing this was a trap. Seconds before they struck, I swapped Ponyville with a replica in an alternate dimension. This saved Ponyville from being sacrificed to summon He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

“Niggas got duped son!” Spike yelled. I moved to finish them off, but Big Papi blocked me.

“Let me handle this, ‘cuz this just ain’t ballin’.” The Playstation Fanboy stated. He held up his trident, and summoned forth his power. Thunder rained down from the heavens, the sky turned African American. The sound of a PSTriple being turned on could be heard. Above dat shit, I heard Chad Daddy shout one word.

“BANKAI!!!”

The blackness rose up to swallow Chad Warden. When the black dynamite died down, only the mayor of H-town remained. Chad Warden got an upgrade. His regular Gucci clothes changed into a trench coat with a strange device on his back. It looked like a cross between a wii and PSTriple controller. Shit was ballin’. His head had a fedora on with a Sony logo on it. His trident changed however. Instead he was gripping two different guns. Both of them, much like the trident, were nice, slick and black along with looking like a dealdo. They were both the greatest guns of all time, desert eagles, and had a glowing ball coming out of the barrel. But the greatest change of all was what was on his chest. It was a green card, meaning that C-Wizzy was no longer an illegal Mexican nigga!

“This is my bankai. Devil May Run Up on a Nigga.”

With a burst of speed, Chad Daddy was on the Fire Nation soldiers like a nigga on fried chicken. He pointed his guns at them, and pulled the trigger.

“Pahpahpah.”

It carved through the firebenders like they were nothing. They spread out, making sure he couldn’t just blast them all with one shot. Instead of continuing to shoot, Big Papi grabbed the controller on his back. He launched himself at them, throwing the Fire Nation soldiers up into the air. Afterwards, Chad Warden used his giant controller to summon his desert eagles into formation with it. Light shined down on them. It amazes me that he could summon ABAP energy in large amounts. My warriors of the flow are something to fear. The song “We Fly High” by Jim Jones began to play.

“Flared Chance!” he yelled. His ultimate technique. Created after seeing his dildos shine in the sun, like some kinda glistening black eel.

Nothing was left, and I returned Ponyville back to its original state. Shit was weird. When I came back, this purple pony with a horn got up in my grill. Behind her were five other ponies.

“What’s going on? Who are you? Why were ponies saying you saved them from diamond dogs and shitty music?” it asked questions in rapid fire like it be rapping. I answered them as fast as I could. Turns out dat scaly nigga Spike knows them. Something about Helements of Armory. Oh, and that I can’t touch dat white bitch Rarity. Nigga called dibs.

While I would’ve loved to stay in Ponyville, this showed me that I’m just too dangerous to be around. Vinyl and Octavia were devastated to hear this. But, how can I fuck bitches if niggas be cockblocking me? A nigga has to cockblock back to not be cockblocked in this sad, cruel world.

“But Icey, what if we need you?” Octavia asked me. I chuckled.

“Oh Octavia, I’ll always be there. If there’s a bike that hasn’t been stolen yet, I’ll be there. If there’s some fried chicken that needs to be eaten, I’ll be there. If there’s some mad nice kush that needs to be smoked, I’ll be there. Gotta get dat daily dose after all. And, most importantly, if there’s some white bitches out there that need a good dicking, I’ll be up in dat tight vajayjay.” And with that, I walked off, alone, to train in the blackest of magics, and to learn how to master the moves my spirit niggas taught me.

(Meanwhile, in the Land of Shitty Flow’s court system…)

Boss Nigger beat the white man yet again. By having the author of this fic call the current section “the sequel to book one” he is free to appear outside of the Land of Shitty Flow. Boss Nigger, unrelenting in bringing black man’s law to a white man’s town, forced his way out. He was preparing for his journey to the Equestria, where his nigga Icey was at. To get there, he would need to use an ancient form of travel known as Brodyquesting. It required a mind sharp as a prison shank and a body as hard as blood diamonds to do. Before he could leave, he was attacked by one of the most fearsome creatures to be found in the Land of Shitty Flow, Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em. Boss Nigger was prepared for combat, but instead of fighting, Soulja Boy yelled out,

“You’ve gotta help me!”

“Nigga, why the fuck would I help a lil’ bitch like you?”

“I’m not Soulja Boy!” Boss Nigger paused at that. This is clearly Soulja Boy. What could he mean?

“Speak nigga.”

“My name is Goku. I’m a Super Saiyan who has been cursed with this for by Soulja Boy. He took my body and forced me into his so that he does look like Goku. Boss Nigger, as the Boss of all Niggers, I ask for your help to right this wrong.” To Boss Nigger, saying no was out of the question. Too many lives were at stake already with the forces of whiteness moving forward.

“I’ll help you. Come with me if you want to live nigga.” and off they went.

(In unknown lands…)

“I don’t get it my lord, how can you be so calm?”

“Simple my homeslice, there’s no need to worry. All that has happened, Icey being sent to Equestria, him meeting up with Warden, and Boss Nigger’s current freedom, are playing in accord with my plans.”

“My lord, we’re proceeding to phase two?”

“Yes, in two years phase two will begin. But first, prepare the mayo for my sandwich and sent for one of my best hunters.”

“Yes my lord, I shall for Codename: Bro at once.” The white guy said before leaving.

“Soon Icey, soon I shall drain you of your blackness, and you will become the White Lord of the White God!” The crazy white person said before laughing.

Book 2: Bling End

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