Kyle Blackthorn conquers Equestria

by Michael Hudson

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 999

Kyle Blackthorn is a god amongst men, and this is the tale of how he became the ruler and husband to Equestria with only his awesome and his shotgun.

Kyle Blackthorn is the alpha and omega. He is the ruler of his own land, but he wishes more, and this is the tale of this god getting just that. And what does he have to arm himself? His awesome and shotgun.

Preread by Stiggerzz, Foal's Errand and Syeekoh.

Published 2014-10-22 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-22 20:50:02 UTC

KYLE BLACKTHORN!

A man sits on a stone throne, the skull of his enemy and the old tyrant of this land hangs on the wall. This god of men has amazing jeans with holes on, a glorious white wifebeater, and pitch black sunglasses that would make Riddick jealous on, even though there is little light in his throne room. He sits awaiting his peasantry to come see him, to deal out his righteous justice where it is needed.

One such mortal comes to share a meager prize with his god, uttering a weak and helpless, “My lord Blackthorn, I wish to show you something that I have created. I believe it will bring you much pleasure.”

Kyle Blackthorn, being the awesome man he is, nods to one of his thousands of his courtesans, and she goes to grab the small television from the man. She shows it to her liege, and he sees six pastel coloured ponies adorning the screen and requesting to be shown in something called “My Little Pony”. He turns to the man and his voice almost destroys the pathetic mortal as he questions, “What is this… this thing you show me?”

“P–p–please my lord. Try it, and I suspect you will find it to your liking.”

Blackthorn looked back at the television and decided that only through a fair review of this man would he deserve his signature technique. He hit play, and for the next forty four minutes (because the great Kyle Blackthorn will not watch your pathetic commercials) watched the show and once he was done, stood.

The peasant cowered before his great king as he came nearer. Blackthorn now point at the man as he orders, “He will be given a seat at my court when I return, and will be made a baron of his own land for this creation.”

The scantily clad women exclaimed in great hysteria as they realized that the sexiest man alive was now leaving them. “But why must our sun leave?”

Blackthorn didn’t listen to them as he continued to look at his beautiful ponies on the screen. Their image was reflecting off of his macho brand sunglasses as he made a vow. Blackthorn took a hold of the small television with both hands and pulled on it. Not even the rules of reality would stand between Blackthorn and his goal as the very fabric of space and time ripped in front of him. The vortex spun in front of Blackthorn. However, Blackthorn would only walk to his beloveds and therefore punched the wall to force it to stop spinning. This allowed him to stride in full confidence between realms.

The journey would have been too great for most men, but for Blackthorn was nothing more than a stroll through the park. Coming out of the portal had him finding two Canterlot guards. One found life flee from him because of sheer awesome and the other one had the foolish thought to attack Blackthorn because of this. The god decided to give the man his respect and a quick pelvis thrust sent the poor stallion to the next continent.

The doors to the throne room posed no challenge to Blackthorne and he went to rip them from their hinges before tossing them into the room. Celestia was sitting on her throne and Blackthorne decided to prove his strength by ripping his shotgun quickly from its position between his buttocks of steel. A quick shot from the massive boomstick sent glass flying from the window. Celestia put down her tea and had a question to ask in her sweet voice of, “Why did you do that? That was my favorite!”

Blackthorn was not caught off guard by this sudden burst of rage, but instead would simply side step a little to the left and raise his shoulder. Once the cosmic energy was starting to fade, Blackthorn takes a step back into the light and escapes his nonexistent cover. Celestia barely spoke as her astonishment at the sexy beast was too great to allow words to continue to be calm. “You have intrigued me. Why are you here?”

Blackthorn would reply with, “I am here to take the beautiful mares of Equestria through the same method as I have all women. Pure badassery.”

Celestia found her cheeks becoming enflamed as an arousal for the man was finding her quite quickly. “If you can pass my last challenge with a high enough score, you may just succeed. No one has though.” Just as Celestia was expecting did a scroll appear next to her. A quick glance at it was all she needed to state, “Perfect.”

A quick flash later and the two were in the heart of Ponyville with mares running every which way while a Hydra quickly was approaching. Blackthorn was smiling as the beast approached and never looked back at it after turning to Celestia and the entire mare population of Ponyville.

His arm would rise in a glorious arc that none of those mares would forget. His gaze never left as his righteous finger started curling around the familiar trigger. In one shot, his arm rigid and by itself in the act of holding shotgun, blew away the fearsome hydra. The mares let out a shriek of pleasure from the act, and even Rarity had to fall over from sheer awesomeness. Celestia’s strides would bring the two close to each other as she decreed, “Now.”

A week later, Blackthorne would bring the two worlds together and rule both with his shotgun and dick for eternity. Celestia was good for him for a while, but Blackthorne never wanted only one mare, and Celestia would never be his main bride. This was because he was a wise ruler, and knew what tough men must choose as their main brides. Luna and Fluttershy were all too happy to be with him, and of course being the passionate man Blackthorne was, all mares knew his love and his boomstick.